kloudslog

[kloudslog]

Hey guys,

After getting kicked out, sleeping in my car, and a bunch other junk... I need to find some

[kloudslog]

Hey guys,

After getting kicked out, sleeping in my car, and a bunch other junk... I need to find some

[kloudslog]

If I took him

"

If I had taken the chance

Then would he be back

Why do I miss him this much

He wasn't mine to grasp

Only knew him a month and

Yet I feel blank

Want to be asleep

Fight god and this plan

If only my parents could be honest, have said

We never want you back

Just go away

I want them to stop 

Lying to me

Running out of time

Wake up in the cold

My meds will run dry, then

What will that hold

Could barely keep thought

My focus is shot

I should have fucking

Adopted that dog

If i took him home,

Would things be well still

Why was this the breaking point

Of my will

He would have a bed

And he would be safe

He would see the snow- fuck-

He’d see all the states

We’d run on the beach

He would eat and eat

Id make it so 

The pain of the past would leave

He wouldn't be scared

He just needed time

Kept getting returned

Oh what a crime

Why does my heart burn?

This dog of a month, 

Never adopted to me

My parents decided I wasn’t worth the feed,

They called me a monster

Depressive fiend

They looked at my face and called all their faults

Tried to make it seem like it was all my fault

All my friends had bailed

My siblings had cried

They begged me to stay

Parents said i was a crime

what could I say?

And I was alone,

I was scared

I would snap at anyone who would come near and-

He was alone, 

And he was scared

And he would snap at us all out of fear

And I���m still alone

And I'm still scared

But I had stopped snapping at the people here

He wouldn’t stop snapping and people became scared

Would that have been me if I never cared?

I failed to save him but made sure to cry,

I knew it was wrong to not say goodbye

I watched him doze around, til he fell asleep

And he fell asleep right by my feet

And I said goodbye as he laid on that throne

Memories I had planned all burning in that stove

The doctors had quietly said “hes gone” 

And man what have I done

To the one thing I got?

I have no friends

My family forgot

I move to another state to restart

I cant call to Hel, but she keeps taking my mind

Keeps taking my focus

how I’m running out of time

I should have taken my best friend home

But I adopted his ashes and-

Home into my van

That the windows may leak

Looking at the one piece of him

That I can keep

I was to late

To take him with me

No snow on his feet

No simple life dream

My future was with him

And now its all gone

I shouldn't have planned it

On a shelter dog

A dog who would snap,

But clearly wanted love

He’d climb in my lap

Let me hold him and touch

he was given to another 

who swore to do such

She broke our trust 

brought him back without luck

It was his last chance,

I took to long to say

“Give him to me, he is my only way”

He’s all that I had

I had lost way to much

And now I had lost the one thing I could touch

The one guy that I knew 

my future would be with

And I had failed to save him 

They said I couldn''t take him 

I asked to adopt and they told me why

He had too many chances

But never could fight

The demons in his mind

That would cause him to bite

I failed him that night

Couldn’t save him alright

And now the one soul that I loved 

Had to die

If I took him

 

We’d play in the snow until dusk

Warm up by a fire

Give him tea to warm up

Given him all the toys and the best food I could buy

He’d get all the chances to chase birds

I would try

He’d have a throne next to me on my drives

He’d be able to sleep in his warm bed at night

I would read all my books that I had in supply

Read him so he’d know he was safe in the vans light

We’d go to the mountains, the sea, and to lakes

He’d fall asleep while the radio played

If ever the need id take him overseas

He was such a small dog I’d just fly him with me

The world is such a fucking scary place

He didn't need to be pushed away

He would have a home, full belly, a way

To escape all the horrors that he had faced

All he needed was a safe place

I would get a land in the future with ducks, with goats and with plants and it would just be us

He could chase the ducks

run around all day

My goal was to make him forget where he came

Just as he helped me forget the place I came

And yet

I had failed

To save my only 

"

{{ Recently I had to put down my dog, I wasn't able to adopt him as he was at the shelter I worked at. Originally he was adopted, and I was happy for him... but they returned him, having done the opposite of what we told her to do, and he bite her and her husband.

I should have taken him the moment he returned, but I hesitated, assumed he would still be here when my van conversion was done (I live in my van, and I'm still converting it).

three days off his bite hold, we learned he was to be euthanized.

and it became to late to adopt him, I tried but... I wasn't allowed to anymore.

I couldn't save him.

I have been dealing with this feeling since, its only been a week but mixing it with my current burnout and such... He was all I had, and planned my future on.

Wrote this, its not the best but it made me feel a little better. }}