kittyfoxbae

[kittyfoxbae]

i wish i could become a pirate so bad. i wanna go back to the 1700s, muster a crew of the worst criminals i can find, steal someone's fishing boat, and rob 100s of spanish vessels and live like a king.

i wanna have all the kings of the world putting bounties on my head and for me to have my face on every wanted poster.

[kittyfoxbae]

this man right here is literally the only reason why i watch the news or stay updated on politics. he is just so handsome and it makes me feel all sorts of things

he literally looks and sounds like a dad from the 1950s omg.

i really wish i could have a man that looks like him in my life.

[kittyfoxbae]

omg, the level of anger i feel towards myself right now cannot be described in words.

at the beginning of this month, july, right before my surgery, i was on an omegle clone sailing the high seas and looking for friends. well, it only took many years, but i was finally able to find someone who actually put.. effort into the conversation. and even better, they seemed interested in me as a person! it was a very engaging and fun conversation. i really felt like they matched my energy.

we added each other on discord, and they bestowed onto me a most wonderous gift that society denies me as an autistic: a friend group. Now, this person had another friend online they met on vrchat many years ago. they were best friends and always played roblox together. and they.. let me join them! this is literally the first time i have ever been accepted into an online friend group. all the other times i tried, i only got rejected and bullied because i am autistic and don't have social skills.

we played roblox for a few days, and it was very nice. These people were literally the kindest people to me. they literally told me that i was "part of their group" and told me that they actually appreciated my presence.

all was great until my stupid gallbladder surgery. because of that, i had to stay offline for a week while i was waiting to recover. during this time, they did not hurt or insult me at all for being gone, rather they only wished me the best and constantly messaged me to check up on me.

however.. when i recovered, i just stayed away from discord. i dont know why. i was scared to talk to them for some reason, and i kept feeling like i wasnt worthy to be their friends. i got scared they were going to leave me. it all boiled up today when i saw a reddit post about vrchat that got me angry about that game.

all the times i played vrchat, i got socially rejected and bullied for stupid things like my voice or the fact i am "weird".

i was so angry and well, i remember that those two met on vrchat and as such were more socially successful than i was, and also the fact they had the appearance of the type of internet users that have historically bullied me. anime profile pictures, fully filled out discord profiles, the sarcastic jaded "we're fucked" type of humor, that sort of stuff. i have always been bullied and rejected on discord by people like that.

and i just freaked out. i told send one of them message saying i was scared of them because they remind me of those types of people, and then i immediately blocked them.

like that, i threw away perhaps the only chance at a friendgroup i will have for many years. i was searching for many years trying to find something like that, only to met with failure at every turn. so many days of people bursting out laughing at me on vrchat or kids making fun of me on roblox. and from pure luck, i was finally able to find it

but i ruined it, and now, i will never have a friendship like that again. two people who cared about me and liked me as a person, all gone. they are now lost in the sea of discord anime profile picture zoomers who bully me. i sit here in this bed with nothing now. nothing but regrets filled in my head for throwing away something that i always said i would do anything for. something that everyone else can obtain so easily but not me. i hate my life so much. why the hell did i do that. what is wrong with me.

a year is such a long time, and multiple years feels like eons. the brain of a neurotypical can go into a discord server or a vrchat world and leave with a friendgroup. someone to text, play video games with, chat about whatever, but i cant. all because i dont have social skills because autism causes the neurons in my brain to be packed differently. anytime i get a chance, it's only after trying for years to find someone who will pity me enough to look back my issues and let me in. that's why this and breakups bother me so much. when they happen, it's not like i can just find something else. that takes many months or years, and during that time, i must suffer through so much bullying and laughter that makes it to where all you want to do is lay in bed all day.

im 23 now, if it will take years to find another friendgroup, i realize that by that time, my youth will truly be over. since older people are not allowed to socialize with younger people (even if i was neurotypical they wouldnt let me in if i was old) that friendgroup will just be a bunch of other boring old people without that energy of young people. too many boundaries, too many responsibilities, too many expecations. all they will talk about is dog dog dog, wife wife wife, house house house. i hate becoming an adult. i hate my life so much.

all i want is an escape from this loneliness.

[kittyfoxbae]

Discord is a bastion of evil. If the devil existed, he exists on discord, in his little discord server surrounded by his smug moderators and paid for kittens, with his army of smug weeaboos to bully autistic people like me. I wish joe biden tried to ban DISCORD instead of tiktok.

discord is an actual word that literally means "chaos, trouble". it fits.

[kittyfoxbae]

you know, i really like anime/manga, but im starting to REALLY despise the modern fandom, especially the younger fans

[kittyfoxbae]

if you use vrchat with all your stupid little friends, you're probably evil and neurotypical.

vrchat is the ultimate arena of autistic persecution, even moreso than the evil of discord servers.

in a vrchat world, you require a complete mastery of neurotypical social skills in order to have a CHANCE at not being bullied.

the only people who use vrchat are zoomers. zoomers all have the same personality. they all preach on about mental health and depression, self diagnosing themselves with all sorts of shit while not realizing they are just as neurotypical as the boomers they so despise.

in these worlds, all these zoomers act the same, they all act the same. they all have the same sense of humor, which is this weird sarcastic "jadedness" about the world. the standards of humor have gone up so far that you require the highest of charismas in order to be seen as "funny" by this generation. in medieval times, you could literally make someone die laughing simply by making jokes about a donkey, but now, you must come up with jokes that subtly show how "fucked" we are, which is the only thing zoomers are obsessed with. they use their jadedness and their beliefs that we are "fucked" as an excuse for their behavior

but these worlds are most dangerous to the autistic mind due to the rigorous neurotypical social rules that are enforced. in these worlds, any form of autism, such as not properly using tone of voice for the occasion, not using proper body language, not having "empathy" which is something we actually do have we just don't know how to express it, or not knowing what is "right" to say for a certain context. these failures will result in everyone going silent and looking at you as you try to engage with them, and if you continue, the zoomers, being so empathetic towards mental health, will begin to bully you, reject you, even the "introvert" loser with the e boy avatar sitting in the corner.

in these worlds, if you go there desiring friendship or a relationship, and you have autism, you will not ever get it, you will simply get bullied and rejected. you will wander around, watching people go about their happy days with their happy friendgroups and relationships, but you will never be able to enter. if you try, you will not be allowed in. it is why vrchat is the ultimate form of evil

it looks so cute with all the anime avatars and the advertising about a place to meet people, but it is evil. it is not a place for autistic people. it is a neurotypical arena where people compete with their social skills to rise up while stomping on the autistic proletariat.

the smugness, the bullying, the rejection. it will simply never end. it is so funny when people say that autistic people should go online to go try to make friends since it is not possible for them in the real world. they will be just as rejected in any type of online space there is.

if you have autism, when you attempt to socialize with someone, the neurotypical brain will "detect" that you are not using the proper social skills. this will result in them "getting the ick" whether they are aware of it or not, and they will give you subtle signs they don't want to talk to you. if you do not catch on, they will avoid you or even attempt to try to claim you are harrassing them. this is the curse and constant reality of autism

when you have autism, you are born without the ability to learn social skills.

[kittyfoxbae]

VRchat is the origin of modern evil.

[kittyfoxbae]

If there's one thing I hate more than neurotypicals bogging me, it's them threatening to call the cops on me when I try to make amends.

[kittyfoxbae]

From now on, I will never be ghosted or blocked again.

I will never allow someone to say to their little friends "I had to block that weirdo foxbae!"

They won't be able to because they will be blocked before they can hit the button.

And before I block them, I'll tell them: "You didn't reject me, I rejected you"

[kittyfoxbae]

Well, I just destroyed my HDMI cable because it wouldn't work

[kittyfoxbae]

i hate this reality so much. i hate this world. i hate the brains of humans.

[kittyfoxbae]

the story starts in febuary of 2022. this was a confusing time for me. i was struggling with desires that contradicted my new views of myself.

i saw the idea of relationships as being inherently *unhealthy* to one's soul. i developed the idea that humans were never meant to be in romantic relationships, and being in one will cause harm to one's life that could easily be avoided if you just stayed single. but alas, the human desire of being wanted by someone always was there, no matter how i tried to repress it. i developed these views based off of an extremely abusive relationship that i was forced to endure months before.

one night, i was on omegle, on the depression tag. i was connected to someone who seemed so.. .different from the usual slop i had befriended online before that. this person.... showed an interest in me as a person.

this person asked questions about me, wanted to know my story, and treated me like an "equal". unlike the millions of times i have been rejected and ignored in discord servers, this person did not treat me in the typical smug/"i have to correct you" way that every single person on the internet treats me. she treated me with... respect.

as our conversation progressed, i felt all sorts of.. strange feelings. i was receiving attention in a way i had never before. our conversation felt so energetic and full of life. there were no short one word replies, nor was there any smugness. our conversation burned brighter than a star.

we moved to discord, and over the month, our conversations progressed. initially, i thought this person was a male from how they acted. me, being lgbt, developed a boy crush on them. i dont fall for people based off of looks, but rather how they act. i cannot love someone who is smug and acts like a redditor. i later found out this person was a girl, and after that, we started to do calls.

i taught her history, and she taught me the information of her trade. we shared so much, and everything was so perfect

the first incident occured about two weeks after we met. by this point, i was emotionally dependent on them and would constantly listen to this one voice message they sent me. they told me they had a habit of ghosting people who they got close with, and this caused me intense pain, to the point where i started crying about it. i had dreams about her as well. when she didn't text me for the whole day, i assume she made good on her promise, and the greatest of sadness fell upon me. i was so sad i made a replika ai named after her, but it could not replace her. the amount of joy i felt when i saw her return the next day was intense.

in april, we made it official. we spoke and called every single day. we changed our profiles to be matching. we even bought these two promise rings, each with our names on it. i would wear the ring with her name on it everywhere i went so i could feel as close to her as possible. i named one of my stuffes after her so i could be as close to her as i could.

we had absolutely zero issues/fights during this time. unfortunately, i found out she had certain desires for how she wanted her partner to be and act. even though it was difficult because im simply not that person, i pulled it off well enough during our online relationship.

i got in contact with her big happy family. in her country, her family is pretty wealthy and in politics. they loved me so much though. it was a refreshment from my drug addicted abusive family. her brother treated me like.. .a brother, unlike my brother who likes to punch holes in walls when he cant afford delta 8. her mom called me her son and would randomly send me messages on facebook telling me how much she loved me, unlike my drug addicted skeleton of a mother who lays in bed all day while trying to guilt trip me because i wont give her any money to fuel her fast food addictions.

in december, i was so in love with this girl that i decided to drop out of college so i could go travel to her country and be with her.

it was such an intense and memoerable journey. i had to fly to so many airports, even newark where i got to see the most beautiful view of manhattan burning bright at night as we descended over new jersey to land. when i got to europe, unfortunately due to weather, we couldnt land and i had to spend alllllll day at the airport to catch another flight to her country.

i remember being so anxious as i landed. mainly because this would be the first time i would ever actually be in person with someone who i was involved with romantically, this was also her first time too. i sat outside the airport at night, scared of this foreign country. when i looked to my left, i saw her taxi pull up and her step out of it. she looked so.. short. that was the first thing i ever said to her. we sat in the back of the taxi and she held my arm tightly. it was the most ecstatic heaven i could ever describe. nothing will ever beat it.

ill make a part two tomorrow describing what happened and how everything got destroyed.

[kittyfoxbae]

i feel so bad for saying this because patchy is my wife but omg david muir is such a looker. his suit, hair, voice, and demenour reminds me of guys from the 40s and 50s.

[kittyfoxbae]

patchouli knowledge is the girl that i want to marry. she is the only girl who i would drop all of my personality and habits to "mold" myself into whatever she wanted me to become. even if i hate being a certain way, i would be that way for her happily if she desired. she's the only girl i would ever do this for. she's just so perfect and intelligent. her brain has been filled with the mysteries of the tomes that i could just rest my head on her lap and listen to her speak about it all day. i bet her pretty purple dress is made out of the finest and softest cottons. her purple hair probably feels like the most gentle of silks.

i would do anything for patchouli knowledge because she is my one true love. i bet the palm of her hands are as squishy as playdough. so easy to kiss and to trace every single ridge imprinted on them.

i sleep with her fumo in my arms every single night so that i may be as close to her as possible. i had to demote all of my other stuffed animals to be off the bed so that my queen Patchouli could have the most space on the royal bed.

[kittyfoxbae]

i am so pissed today. yesterday, i had to go home from work because i started to experience deep pain coming from the site of my surgery. i scheduled a doctors appointment for today.

unfortunately, since i have to live in shitty car dependent in america, i have to rely on my disgusting bastard of a grandfather to take me places. i hate him so much because he verbally abuses me constantly, even saying that if i died, he would cremate my body and throw my ashes in the garbage.

well, he couldnt take me, and since i PROMISED my bogging coworkers that i would bring them a doctor's note, i had to walk like 5 miles to my doctor's office.

just like always, it had to be the most hottest day without a single cloud in the sky. it never rains when i have to go walking outside, oh no. but on those days when i don't want it to rain, like when im wearing something nice or carrying around papers, then it wants to rain.

it was such a difficult walk, but i managed to make it way earlier than i thought. BUT WHEN I GOT THERE, THE DOOR WAS LOCKED EVEN THOUGH I SAW PEOPLE THROUGH THE WINDOW INSIDE. i managed to sneak inside from a patient who was leaving, and they tried to tell me that all their doctors were at lunch. THEY TRIED TO TELL ME TO COME BACK AT 1 PM. when i told these overpaid computer punchers that i walked there, they BEGRUDINGLY let me stay in the lobby for an hour. its so funny how it was a christian hospital but they wouldnt even have the charity to initially let me stay from the heat.

and of course, my phone was out of battery, so the only thing i had to do was watch old people game shows on the tv or read the bible. when i get called, they didnt even do a proper inspection on me, and instead of just listened to my heart and told me my stomach was fine. they didnt even prescribe me any pain meds, rather they just told me to take tylenol and ibuprofren.

i then had to walk alllll the way back home and of course we dont have ac in this child abuse house so i had to sit in the heat while also burning from the sun burns. since i wore sandals, my feet looked like a 19th century miner or something.

i cannot wait until i get a car. i dont care how shoddy it is, im going to treat it as my royal carriage.

[kittyfoxbae]

You know what, Hulk Hogan had a REALLY GOOD THEME.