killianczuba

[killianczuba]

Didn't go on Instagram until this evening. Immediately logging back off, because it took people all of five seconds to move from grief to infighting. I am, unfortunately, not surprised--but the speed of the switch is truly remarkable. And disappointing. How can we change things when it's so easy to break us into smaller, angrier pieces?

[killianczuba]

Me: Huh. I feel oddly calm today.

My stomach: lol get thee to a toilet, because you're about to vomit

[killianczuba]

My brother came home after a real fun night at Kenton Club (like REAL, honestly a little worryingly fun--pupils-dilated amounts of fun) and told me, in what appeared to be a face of revelation, that I'm a witch, which was rad.

...Then we had an insane conversation about his twin brother who died before he was born. Who he can only talk to one night a year (tonight). (His name is Vincent Ezra Czuba.) And then we did more magic, because it was very important. And then he asked me what I want most in the world, and what makes me happy--I said "I don't know," and then he stared into my eyes with great intensity, straight-up CACKLED, and said "I don't believe you." 😐

He also said I'm his favorite brother and sister, and that we need better toilet paper. It was a weird night! lol

We got him to bed around 1:45am. It's 2:30am now. I'm so tired, guys.

But Happy Halloweeeeeen! Sleep well, and may you be visited only by good spirits for the next few days. ;)

🕯️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛🌄👻🎃🦇🖤🕯️

UPDATE: in less fun news, pretty sure he got drugged at the party, because he did not drink very much. So I've gone from thinking this was entertaining to being pretty furious. 🙃

[killianczuba]

I'm also (see below) softening four sticks of butter so I can make a variety of baked goods to celebrate all of the dead people we love who, God bless them, do not have to live through the next week.

[killianczuba]

Need to get those steps in? Might I recommend pacing nervously from the kitchen to the living room? No rain coat required! You won't even realize you're doing it for at least 20 minutes, if not more!

[killianczuba]

When I tried to wake up before 10am today, I felt my half-awake body get shaky (happens on occasion) and thought to myself "ahhh, right--the veil is thinning" before passing out for another twenty minutes. I'm sure that's totally fine.

[killianczuba]

I wonder how many people will stop being friends in the next two weeks.

[killianczuba]

Even now, at age 36, the mere presence of Robitussin makes me want to throw a tantrum. But I'm an adult, and I have a stupid post-cold cough, so I made myself take it; I essentially dissociated into a state where I became both Moo Deng and Zookeeper simultaneously.

[killianczuba]

I'm confident most people don't spend any amount of time imagining the perfect assignment of US government cabinet positions, but I spend a lot of time thinking about how Mayor Pete would kick ass as Secretary of State.

[killianczuba]

Question: why does Spotify only have the Live version of Stop Making Sense? I would never choose to listen to the live audience version of an album. That's insane. It doesn't make sense. Which, I guess, is spiritually perfect. But not for me, David. NOT FOR ME.

[killianczuba]

Hey, city? How about, instead of closing all of the North Portland pools, you close the frisbee golf courses that take up so much of Pier Park that I can't go for a walk on a nice day without risking my long-term head safety.

I love living four blocks from a small, public forest that I can't enjoy. I'm so mad right now, haha.

[killianczuba]

I ran out of TV to watch on my own, so I thought, hey, I've never watched Damages, maybe I should try Damages? Not sure where to find it, I use the Roku search. I see that it's on Hulu. Click, settle in.

I watch 90% of the episode. I've been a little confused by the plot all episode, but I suppose it's just being edgy with its format. Then, near the very end, there is an exchange that is rich with backstory--backstory that I should definitely know. I've watched almost the entire final episode of season 1. My TV autoplayed me like a fool.

[killianczuba]

About to have a literal ton of concrete blocks delivered, and I don't know if they'll be coming through the back alley (as requested) or the front yard (would be unsurprising). The automated text 35 minutes ago said they're "two stops away," so I'm running between the living room (front window) and the bathroom (back window) to try to head them off before they throw three bags of cement onto the wet ground. Really gettin' my steps in.

[killianczuba]

I have some feelings about podcasters and their thoughts on A.I., but I'm already mad about the app bs (see previous post), so double frustration-posting seems like overkill.

Instead, I will say that I got to see my friend Cynthia at the pool today, and that made me very happy. ❤️

[killianczuba]

Social media: a sure way to get a dopamine hit from the likes, and a fury hit from the algorithm, which desperately wants me to diagnose myself with every "neurospicy" (I'm not kidding. Neurospicy. That's a quote) disorder on the planet. Can we take "cute 'n quirky" mental health issues back to the mid-2000s please? I'm too tired to deal with the charm of a disorder that an app can "diagnose" me with.

Ex: Today, an app told me I have ADHD! If I have ADHD in addition to everything else, names of diagnoses have lost all meaning. I just have brain. Human brain. Homosapien Noggin that is Receptive to Various Medications that Can Cross the BBB. I have a lumpy, unreliable, gray thing in my skull and a body that, relatedly, hurts a lot in annoying ways.

So fuck your app, and go apologize to all the people who are actually struggling with their mental/physical health. You make it harder for them to be taken seriously by doctors. Being sick isn't cool. I'd like to not be sick. Get back to me, dear app, after you've spent a year sleeping 14+ hours a day while suffering from crippling anxiety; or given yourself a permanent shoulder injury from a tick that helped you prevent plane crashes; or had the world convince you that your mental illness was the key to your creativity so when you've got writer's/artist's block it's probably because you're on medication that's taken your magic powers away.

Or, y'know what? Maybe your app is fine and helpful and a good resource. I won't ever know, though, because your targeted ads are twee, Garden State bullshit that makes me rage-post on tumblr like it's Livejournal in 2005.

[killianczuba]

I have four incision sites working on healing up. Two look great. Two still have teensy holes that look like they go way too far down into the goosh. I'm sure they don't, but am I actually 100% sure they don't? No. I am, however, 100% sure that they freak me out.

[killianczuba]

Oh, and my Ooler decided it would use fahrenheit again. Totally out of the blue. Turned it on a couple days ago, and it said 68° instead of 20°! Confusing! But this gift horse shall not be given an oral exam.

👍👍