kaz8712

[kaz8712]

reminder to self ♡

Insta: @majashanstyle

[kaz8712]

This.

[kaz8712]

Theory:

Burn the Boats

When a person gives their all to Plan A simply because they don't have any Plan B to rely on.

[In Video: Tam Kaur talking about the Theory of Burning the Boats]

This is what i am going to do. Going all in and working hard till my Plan A returns to me as A++

You can do it!

goodluck 🤞🏽✨

[kaz8712]

.

it's like i'm lying

in the bottom

of an empty well

and i'm so certain that

i could cry enough tears

to fill it back up

and swim myself out

but i just... lie there instead.

some days i don't even

feel worthy of drowning.

-mars

[kaz8712]

- j (x)

[kaz8712]

[kaz8712]

🎧

something something about romanticizing escapism (my thoughts on this mashup are not currently coherent)

[kaz8712]

happy fuckin father's day i guess 😀

my doctor wants me to

write about my trauma,

as if the thought alone

doesn't make me physically sick.

as if i don't spend every poem

trying not to write about him.

i don't want to write about

how he's still controlling my life.

how even all the years,

and all these miles later,

all it takes is someone

mentioning his name

to make me nauseous.

and angry. and terrified.

i am tired of being terrified.

she asks me where in my body

i feel the trauma the most

and i tell her everywhere.

i tell her if it was

localized to one area,

i would have cut it off by now.

i feel it everywhere.

like when you take too deep

of a breath and everything hurts

for a minute, but indefinitely.

i don't know what i did

to hurt indefinitely.

-mars

[kaz8712]

breathing has gotten

harder again lately.

i'm not sure if it's the

gaping hole in my chest

where their love used to be,

or the fact that i'm alone again

and the depression has found

its way back into my rib cage.

or maybe it's the smoking.

i hate that i've fallen back into

all of my bad habits so quickly,

but it's the only way

i know how to survive.

i don't know why life insists

on teaching me lessons

but i hope the next one

is learning how to rest.

-mars

[kaz8712]

Goal , February 2024

Treating myself well, without harming others;

Treating others well, without harming myself.

[kaz8712]

so excited for this!!!!

The Tortured Poets Department, April 19 🤍

[kaz8712]

It feels like melted candle wax, old books and libraries, dried tear stains, jazz on stormy days , hands stained with ink , smudged lipstick, flowers , sound of water flowing, letters, black and grey lace , piano at night, long lightly dimmed stairs and like reading someone's old diary

literally

folklore lyrics+1989 vibes+ reputation but softer+midnights essence.

I am in love with this album's concept.

Watch me make this album my whole personality!!!!

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT - TAYLOR SWIFT

all's fair in love and poetry...

(out april 19th)

[kaz8712]

Goal , January 2024

"Training my mind to be stronger than my feelings and my boundaries to be stronger than my empathy"

[kaz8712]

sometimes i lay in my bed wondering if this is all life has to offer me. i want more and i beg for more. i need more. i literally don’t belong here, i deserve better. i’m praying that the life i deserve finally comes to me and it’s not just all a dream.

[kaz8712]

I always wanted to have someone with me during these interrupted uneasy moments of my life but over the time, I became a soldier of my own, fighting to the hordes with full aghast. I got tired of always needing to prove why I am worth living and loving. I need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want me in their life even when i am falling from grace.

I want to be a star , not a human. Maybe then only , i could just fall and still be appreciated.

-z

[kaz8712]

there's something inside that they can't get to , that they can't touch and burn, its mine...

Its the Hope I live on.

- j (x)

[kaz8712]

Never related to something harder than this.

my new therapist tells me

that we need to do a

depression assessment.

during it, she asks me

if i believe i am being punished.

i ask her, "punished by who?"

and she shrugs at me.

i tell her, "i would have to

believe in a god of some sort

to believe that someone

could be punishing me."

she scribbles something down,

looks away from her paper,

tries to make eye contact,

asks me, "hypothetically,

if there were a god, would you

believe you're being punished?"

and it takes what feels like

an eternity of silence

for me to answer her.

i swallow the lump in my throat.

i settle my stomach with my palm.

i do not meet my therapist's eyes.

i tell her, "there is a reason

i don't believe in god anymore."

-mars