katypickles

[katypickles]

Those who helped me with my disordered eating, and how they did it

!CW: disordered eating behaviours!

Subject A - A close friend

This particular friend was there for me from my diagnosis to the end of my treatment, and from the end of my treatment to the end of my recovery. Recovery is a rollercoaster. There were several points at which I thought I was fully recovered, when actually I was only part way through my journey. (Luckily, the last time I had such a thought was a long while ago now and I've not been thrown any disordered eating curve balls since then, so I would hope where I am now actually is recovered - but those who have suffered with disordered eating claim that you never fully recover, only learn how to cope with the illness...I digress). This close friend was there for me through each of those times, always reminding me that there was a light at the end of the recovery tunnel. They never judged me for planning what I would eat in their company a week in advance, checking labels and online menus obsessively before we cooked or ate out together, speaking my thoughts about food and body image aloud to them freely, calling them day or night just because I couldn't be alone, cancelling on them last minute because I was having a hard time, stealing their food when I went through a period of binge eating post-dismissal from my treatment, or any other scary behaviours that must have been very difficult to witness. The judgement free space they created allowed me to explore my disordered eating in a safe way, with their rationale at hand when I needed it. They would encourage me to keep on top of my recovery and challenge me without pushing me to do something I wasn't comfortable with. The key to this relationship was trust - at a time when I didn't even trust myself this was so invaluable.

Subject B - A superior

This person probably doesn't realise how much their support was appreciated, as they did so from a distance. This person was my senior at university, and I had always looked up to them since I was a fresher. When I told them I was struggling with disordered eating, which was my third year of university, their reaction was very calm and collected. They did not smother me, nor did they pity me. When I was at my worst, it was then that I received a gift from them, just before Christmas 2015. The gift included a candle and other comforting items, and a card that I still have to this day. In the card, they reassured me that they were there to support me though this difficult time, should I need them. They encouraged me to keep going, with only one term left of my time at university, and a portfolio of work to be proud of - regardless of my diagnosis of Anorexia they let me know that I should have been proud of what I had already achieved. The focus on what I was achieving academically rather than my eating disorder, which had been the focus for 6 months at that point, created a shift in my perspective. A month later, I returned to university, ready to take on my final term - and my eating disorder!

Subject C - Family

They couldn't have known, because I'd been living away from the family home for 3 years at the point of my diagnosis, but when I broke the news to my family that I'd been struggling, they remained positive. No tears, no dwelling - just pure fight and determination that we'd get me through this horrible illness. Whenever I needed it, my mother held me like I was a child again. She was by her phone 24/7. She was just there, like she always had been, even if she didn't understand what I was going through. She and my brother made me laugh like we always did together - that will never change! My brother came to visit me in London and listened to me whilst I spoke about my feelings towards food - which must have sounded so alien to him. My mother then visited me in London and spoke to my therapist about how best to support me at the time. At the core of this relationship, nothing changed between us, other than their willingness to understand.

Subject D - A professional

It can be really difficult to find the right therapist, and unbelievably difficult to secure one free of charge as the NHS have such a demand that only the severely ill seem to receive access. I was in an extremely bad way when I was first seen to by a professional. Luckily, I clicked with my CBT therapist immediately. It happened exactly when I needed it most. Since working with her, I have struggled to find the same connection with a therapist, but I'm thankful for the time I had with her. Part way though my treatment, she fell pregnant. She admitted to hiding her pregnancy from me for a long time in order to give me adequate time to push through my most vulnerable state. When she broke the news to me that she'd be taking maternity leave, she added that she knew I was in a place much stronger than when we first started my treatment, and that she had confidence in me that I would carry on thriving with or without her. At a time when I didn't have the confidence in myself, she had confidence in me.

Subject E - A co-worker

Admitting that you're struggling with disordered eating can be daunting - especially in a professional setting. At the time, I was managed by someone who would go on to be a close friend of mine for years to come, and who I still consider one of my nearest and dearest. I was anxiously waiting for her at a central London coffee shop, knowing that the time had come to tell her about my Anorexia, as it had begun to affect my work. With the giant smile she so frequently donned, she arrived with an air of positivity. As I explained what was happening with me, she listened so intently. Once I'd said my piece, she let me know that I was in control. She said that I could do as much or as little work I felt possible. In the following months, she didn't treat me any differently. The difference was that she had let me know that at any point I could take a break or slow down my output of work. I was given permission to take the time I needed to get better.

I understand I'm very lucky, and that I'm one of the privileged few. I had, and still have, access to a wonderful support network. For those of you who might be supporting a friend or family through disordered eating, I hope that this might provide some guidance when it comes to knowing exactly how to support them. Creating a judgement free space, encouragement, a willingness to understand, confidence in recovery, and permission to do what feels needed.

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Score for Dancing on Moonbeams - Janet Beat 1980

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Erwin Wurm

Salatgurken modernistisch

 bronze, 2016

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Tuscan, original typescripts by Patti Smith © Patti Smith

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The best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.

Ernest Hemingway

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Music is basically wavy air, therefore musicians are airbenders

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The Joy Of Uncertainty - Jonas Gerard

https://www.jonasgerard.com/ 

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Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips,   The stride of my step,   The curl of my lips.   I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman,   That’s me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please,   And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees.   Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees.   I say, It’s the fire in my eyes,   And the flash of my teeth,   The swing in my waist,   And the joy in my feet.   I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Men themselves have wondered   What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them,   They say they still can’t see.   I say, It’s in the arch of my back,   The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed.   I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud.   When you see me passing, It ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels,   The bend of my hair,   the palm of my hand,   The need for my care.   ’Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.

- Maya Angelou

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https://www.moodygirl.co.uk/

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I have ambitions bigger than my mental capacity.

Katy Pickles

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