kaidaimaou

[kaidaimaou]

[kaidaimaou]

alnst new comic

sooooooooo, first of all, ouch

it’s bittersweet, so good to see till heal, yet so

heartbreaking to witness him unravel his love for

ivan when it’s too late.

these two panels specifically, the vulnerability of

young ivan and the almost vicious way R6 ivan is

curled on himself and till.

i can’t help but think about this line “i wish you’d

say it first” i wished you asked about me first, i

wished you worried for me first, i wished you

thought about me first.

just once, ivan wanted to be first.

“i never knew you were scared”

for someone who used anger to hide fear, till never

saw ivan as scared, we know ivan feared death,

that the very thought of it shook him to his core.

(the way ivan reaches for till in the last page, the

way his touch is welcomed the way he is held, as

something so so precious, something the real ivan

never felt before)

and yet, he feared a world without till so much

more, ivantill have the most complex most gut

wrenching journey i have ever witnessed in media

“loved too viciously because he did not know anything else” and “loved too late because reality was too groundbreaking to face”

and now for the delusional section of this post

sua and ivan might still be “alive” at the beginning when till is on his bike, the alien interview on the billboard (?) the big screen, is talking about clones and luka and using actual human tissue to create bodies, the aliens have the tissue of most anakt kids (the mixed kids of the class of 49 and 50)

so is it possible that they have spares for lack of a better word, unsha said he admired the way ivan died but that he was a good investment.

so perhaps a newer ivan would also be a good investment

same for sua, the rounds for the 50th class were engaging and brought lots of views to the stage so i wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to bring her back too.

and ofc the question of the ship remains the same, if all parts are different, is it really the same ship?

[kaidaimaou]

🌤️

[kaidaimaou]

paraschool au my beloved

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i kind of dont fully understand why people are saying karma made ivantill canon tbh? can you ELI5, because i still only understand it as being unrequited in canon

hello hello!

so imo up to karma ivantill is unrequited, till is up to that point extremely blinded by his admiration for mizi, ofc take all of this with a grain of salt.

in the final when till is getting harassed by luka with images of ivan and R6, he very much gives up until he sees mizi, what plays in his”final” moments isn’t anything related to mizi aside from the flashback of when they were hiding in anakt.

what plays my lovely anon is the xylophone that ivan gave him, sound is very important in alnst, when ivan was dying we hear the drums (very till coded) for sua it was my clematis and for luka it was the piano at the beginning of “ruler of my heart”

when we get the small glimpses of “what if they weren’t stuck in hell basically” ivantill are very much besties and like well adjusted, till even bags a date with ivan that we see very briefly with that love letter ivan gets.

when the rocket is falling, small till blindly reaches for ivan because he knows he will always be there, and small ivan doesn’t smile or laugh until he sees till happy. ivan has always been a very odd child so it makes sense for him to take social cues from till.

and ofc karma, the end is all about love, however twisted/doomed it was.

mizisua, hyuluka and ivantill

till’s heart being hidden is, like i said in my post, very till like, he loves ivan in some way, the hallucinations with young ivan are proof enough 4 me.

he just didn’t fully understand his own feelings.

so ivantill post karma is canon but like in the worst way imaginable.

forgive my english anon it’s not my mother tongue

[kaidaimaou]

till’s heart being hidden near ivan’s throat i’m gonna crash out

it’s so like till as well, he only realized his feelings for ivan after it was too late, some misplaced pride some missing synapses only fired after karma

[kaidaimaou]

Alnst and IvanTill

oh what a tragedy, ivan’s love is twisted because let’s be real here, none of them have experienced healthy love (maybe till with his mom) and “parasite” is such a beautiful interpretation of a love that at its core tries so hard to be good and pure.

ivan loved till so much he became nearly perfect for the aliens, an obedient pet so entertaining and odd, just so he can gain the ability to free roam at parties, because he knew till would never stop fighting back, would sass and get beat and left to rot, obedience to gain power, power to help till.

to ivan, till is the stars, the sky, he is the entire universe.

ivan had his chance to run away from anakt, yet he returns because the man he loves won’t leave.

ivan achieved an A+ in smiling, an unbreakable facade that we only saw falter once, during “black sorrow” when he reaches for the audience, when he’s singing about the despair of love, his face breaks, for a single moment we get to see the anguish he feels.

and through all of that? till is unconscious, he wakes up just as the song ends and the facade is perfected once again, after that during “cure” and “blink gone” there are moments in which till thinks about ivan only for them to be fleeting, to feel like afterthoughts of afterthoughts, just like the trill of the xylophone.

in the post karma comic, we learn that till’s neck wounds are self inflicted, that he is haunted by the last touch of ivan, that somewhere after the final he broke, his hallucinations of adult ivan are mean and vile, they taunt him, they make him relive that death over and over again, while young ivan is sweet, young ivan is how, in my opinion, the real ivan felt, unconditional love with a small bit of jealousy? hurt? he asks how come till never drew him even though they spent so much time together, and till’s answer? he did draw him, he did care about him, but somewhere in the cruelty of anakt and the alien stage a line of communication withered away.

ivan died full heartedly believing that till never cared about him a single time, but he still died because he could not exist in a world without till.

and now till is haunted by the thoughts and visions of what was left behind, tormented by his own fears that ivan hated him, that he was used for ivan to kill himself.

survivor’s guilt is twisted.

the love in alien stage is

immature

obsessive

unhealthy

but it is still love.

and i think that’s beautiful

[kaidaimaou]

kafka said “pain changes nothing, it just repeats itself until you forget who you were before it started”

and i personally think that people tend to take this in the most negative of ways, i had known pain my whole life and i had lived so angry for so long, that there’s a point where i could not remember who i was before that anger started, was i ever truly kind? or did i play at kindness to fill some sort of hole left by my rage.

people get hurt, people feel pain, and that pain is something constant and all consuming, no living breathing thing is devoid of pain, it is simply a fact of the universe.

now what you do with that pain? that is what makes a difference, i will not preach and yap about being better than those who caused you pain, about being “the bigger person” that doesn’t help anyone except fuel their anger.

but tell me this, do we not all strive for the great hunger? do we not all hunger and salivate for meaning in what feels like a meaningless world?

pain leaves a hole so deep and so festered, like a rotten wound since birth, do we not owe it to ourselves at the very least, to fill that hole with meaning? to try and find the person before the pain? to at least become a person after the pain instead of living as a festering rotten wound.

[kaidaimaou]

ʀᴇsᴘᴏɴsɪʙɪʟɪᴛʏ ʳᵉˢᵖᵒⁿˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ ᵣₑₛₚₒₙₛᵢᵦᵢₗᵢₜᵧ

[kaidaimaou]

I tried 😔

[kaidaimaou]

i did a series of female witchers like 5 years ago, i’ve decided to revisit and revamp all of them starting with conri of vattweir

old piece below the text :)

i like to believe that there’s some improvement lol

[kaidaimaou]

there’s something so visceral about banana fish’s ending to me, so gut wrenchingly realistic, ash cannot win this fight, no matter how many people he fights, how many friends he loses, the only peace is death, to topple an empire and walk free is a pipe dream and he knows this.

aslan jade callenreese

died reading words of love, he left the world knowing for once that someone loved him for all he is, all he was, all his jaded views and sharp edges.

someone saw all of that, someone gave him a piece of his soul forever and always.

eiji okumura

saw a creature more animal than man, and decided to seek the softness in him, to provide him the smallest pieces of reprieve.

to find love amidst ruin and bloodshed.

and just, goddamn, of all possible outcomes, of all the people that could have walked into that bar, it was eiji.

anyway this manga has torn me apart and pulled me back together

[kaidaimaou]

bonten shion madarame

maybe this will have better luck here ahahah

[kaidaimaou]

my boy, my little meow meow

pre-time skip tattoos

the whale is for zeff and the baratie

the sword is specifically for sora and reiju

the black arm band is for the crew

the fish is for himself

post-time skip

the smoke on his spine he got after kamabakka (to cover a 66 on the back of his neck)

the leaves and the moon he got post-wano (for zoro)

the string is from luffy’s hat

this is my mental breakdown and i get to pick the gay :)

[kaidaimaou]

Hey, what kind of a man do you want on your crew?

which version of me do you want around?

the unreliable dreamer? or the solider of science?

which would be more useful to the King of the Pirates?

[kaidaimaou]

sanji wip cuz i’m a filthy ZoSanLu shipper :)

need this man cuddled and loved by everyone

[kaidaimaou]

gay pirates