justtrying13

[justtrying13]

Why

Sometimes I don’t know what you want. Sometimes I’m not sure which side is really true. On hand you got me head over heels happy respecting you loving each other and on the other you tell me a whole bunch of shit that I’ve been starting to believe. Yet I was still made the fool when you calmed down. And sent me into a pain attack but you didn’t care one bit in that moment. The whole episode you didn’t care and did your damnest to push me away. Not gonna lie. Was very close to saying goodbye and walking away because I don’t wanna be “scared into submission” when I give you all the respect love and trust I can give you and you still say I don’t. I understand drinking is a big part of it and a lot is drunk bullshit. But at the same time if you said what was real like you did. Why? Why lead me on. Why crush my hopes(hopes is for suckers) thinking we’re finally good and that were ok and then boom you hate me all do a sudden. To say I was scared tonight was an understatement. As much as I wanna say never again it’ll happen and I don’t know how I will be able to handle it bc mentally and emotionally I just can’t anymore.

[justtrying13]

I know i shouldn’t bother me but it does.

I know I should be happy but even in an alter state of mind I still am and now I don’t even feel it.

Numb. Comfortably numb but I wanna be happy.

I love you so much and started outdoing this to find you but now I just wanna feel normal and I can’t. I’m so fucking pissed at times because I can’t focus

I feel so dumb and idiot all the time and it constantly beats me down. I hate my mind. It’s never positive and when it is it doesn’t last and I’d do anything to keep it positive.

Baby I know it’s hard to focus on us. But I need you. I know there’s a lot of shit going on and we’re stressed and worried. But I still need you but I know I have to step back and wait till your ready to be that person on your terms. My shit is my shit and I’ll work on me and you work on you.

Maybe one day I’ll be real happy and wouldn’t need to escape but I don’t wanna stop. But i need to. Maybe one day.

[justtrying13]

Why is it so fucked up that you can go from being completely happy to boom depressed. It’s been happening a lot more but I don’t even try to stop it anymore why. Why what’s the point. I don’t like my job anymore even though I used to love it. I like myself a little more because I finally met the love of my life. But even with that my days are still bad and I think I have to it. I hate myself a whole fucking lot but now I just manage days and not even care if I make it through. How sad it when you wish for a car crash just so it’s not on your terms anymore.

[justtrying13]

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via perfeqt)

[justtrying13]

Finally broke everything completely off with him. Yes I loved him but it wasn’t good for either of us. We tried but it still ended the same. I guess it’s only easier for me to not think about it cause I found of some shady shit he did while being together. Idk if I could believe her but she has no reason to actually like about things and thing now add up. I know he will be ok and will eventually be happy again. But until we both figure our own shit out we can’t be together in that way anymore. Idk if even friends.

[justtrying13]

Is the Night at the Museum fandom still a thing?? If you’re part of it like/reblog this so I can see how many of us there still are!!

[justtrying13]

At some point you have to let me go. At some point to have to let me let you. You know I’m not happy and I don’t think I ever will be. Atleast not now. Not for awhile. I may know what’s going on with me. Or how how it’s gonna end or when it does. But I know one thing is for sure. I’m not dragging you down. 1 you don’t deserve that. 2 I don’t need to hear you say. You have great life you have nothing to be sad over. 3 I don’t wanna be blamed anymore. 4 you can’t give me what you don’t have. Space. It’s nice I don’t have to worry about you or anything. Yes I still care for you safety and maybe how your doing at at this point in time. I can’t love. I can’t give you the love you deserve and that is my fault. That will be forever my fault. But that’s ok. Bc with the my mind is it’s better to walk away and before I continue to get hurt and you don’t deserve to feel that pain no matter what.

[justtrying13]

The Painting.

Still one of the better songs I’ve written. A story about a picture from an artist that’s been sold it’s a broken girl or whatever you imagine that captivates your eye. It’s been passed around. Every time it a get a new owner it fall mysteriously off the wall. On the frame and picture there’s many patches each one from its previous owners.

[justtrying13]

You don’t shine on my good parts

You Don’t lead me out the dark

You say you love me that you care

But when times are hard

You’re nowhere to be found

You don’t get to pick

When you want me

You don’t get to pick

What are on your terms

[justtrying13]

(I) Remeber

I remember

Laying in the backseat the first time you met me

I remember you saying

You fell in love with me while I searched for records

To many nights I pretended

That nothing ever happened

I remember sleepless nights

So many fights

Pushing my feelings aside

Just for things to be ok

Fast forward two years

You thought everything was ok

Not once did you dry my tears

Yet you have so much to say

But whose to blame anymore

Fast forewarn three years

I tried moving on

But found myself coming back to you

Still your not drying my tears

Too many nights I pretended

Nothing ever happens

I remember sleepless nights

So many fights

Pushing my feelings aside

Just for things to be ok

Where do I turn to

Where do I run to

Do we start over

Do we move on

Maybe just forget to remember

And what the future unfold

I remember you weren’t there

Till it was too late

I remember all the times you were swearin

I remembered. Did you

[justtrying13]

[justtrying13]

Moving into my own apartment tomorrow. As much as it scares me I’m ready for it you know. I’m all set. I’m sure it will all be ok

[justtrying13]

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I wanna be tall beautiful and skinny. I’m sorry that I get sad a lot and I’m sorry it’s last for days and weeks. I’m sorry that I hurt myself. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry I spent yesterday afternoon high bc I had some painkillers around. I’m sorry to myself that I’m here again and I’m suppose to be in a better state of mind. I’m sorry I don’t have any friends. I’m sorry I will be moving out and living on my own and your worried about my living or dying. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

[justtrying13]

And now we wait for the affects.

[justtrying13]

How did I end up here. I gained way more than I should. I just wanna lose it all and then when you have a slight problem with drinking and just wanna say fuck it but you can’t cause either way you hate yourself more. Just let me fucking lose it all now. Please take it away I don’t want this anymore.

[justtrying13]

Sometimes...

Sometimes shit is hard. Sometimes I don’t know how I still made it alive. Sometimes I can feel when I’m gonna try and end it again. I maybe the same person only older, but I still have the dark circles under my eyes. I still have the empty eyes. The tired soul. This day is when I realized that someday might be my last day. It maybe far away or it maybe tomorrow I can’t control that but somedays I will try my hardest to live even if I have a few weeks in between where I’m constantly cutting constantly drinking or not doing a damn thing. It happens I can’t fix that but I can make some day count little by little life happens and sometimes it counts

[justtrying13]

One little comment of saying I should gain weight. And me brushing it off and then repeating it messed with my whole head. I do not need to gain weight from being in recovery at some point I know my weight is ok. But it fucked up my head with that and gave me bad dismorphia. Stupid fucking mind.