jukeboxjosh-blog

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

I Guess I Need To Talk To You?

I had a dream about an ex. Now, I've thought about her a bit these past few weeks as I've been closer to becoming more of a responsible adult, but I haven't had many dreams about her since we broke up. I've had just one about her and her mom, but that didn't really do anything. They were just side characters in whatever nonsense was going through my head at the time, nothing to dwell on. This was different, though. This was something straight from the core. It felt true when I woke up.

I had been kicked out of the apartment for some reason, probably money since that's a huge real world stress right now. I had exhausted all people willing to have me hang around, I was at the end of my rope, and I think as a last ditch effort I decided the best option was to reach out to an ex who I have had absolutely no contact since right out of High School, if my memory is correct. She responds quickly, saying she'd be willing to have me crash on her couch at her parents, so I make my way.

My first night there I'm in her house, which is a perfect representation of her house. Like, when I dream about my own house I can't the room layout right, so I dunno what's going on there. Anyways, I get myself settled on the downstairs couch and I journal about how I felt about this whole situation. For some reason I went off onto how I wish I could have salvaged the relationship I had with the ex, and how I appreciate her letting me stay, and then I fall asleep in the dream. I wake up, do my thing, come back to the ex's place, and open up my journal to find that she's written a note in response to the relationship, all that, asking me to talk about it with her when I read this.

I start writing like crazy, trying to organize my thoughts. Everything that I could possibly want to say I write down. This paper has also become geometrically impossible now, I'm looking at the lined paper as if its a window to endless blue lines, and I'm writing inside the paper. I read it back to myself, organize it a bit better in my head, then head upstairs to her room.

The room, again, a perfect representation to what I remember, except she's not there. I freak, and everything literally crumbles around me until I'm pretty much surrounded by darkness, as edgy as that sounds. Then I woke up.

What the hell does it mean. Like, I woke up, I think I may have done one of those startled screams? I don't like the feeling of being so physically alone, with literally nothing around me, it's incredibly unsettling to me, so it's possible. I just remember it feeling so... true? It really bummed me out, as if this was at thing that I could remember actually happening to me, like when you remember something super embarrassing from your past and you know it's true, but it feels almost dreamlike.

Maybe I'm supposed to talk to her? But fuck that, I don't wanna. That person is gone, figuratively. Well, I guess not really figuratively since her personality is completely changed, but I'm not gonna waste my time to check in and go "Hey, is that rad person from years ago back? I miss her." It's not worth it.

Am I supposed to just reflect on her? Am I supposed to let this simmer around inside? Am I supposed to reach out to her at all? Am I supposed to think about what could have been? I am at a complete loss. This started my day off pretty badly, I haven't really felt anything more than passing for her in awhile, and it's just made me really wonky. I just don't know.

I bet everything is fine, and I just need to put this beside me. I just needed to write about this somewhere, it's been nagging at me all day. I mean, I already feel better.

Hopefully next time I won't post something so personal and angsty! One can always hope!

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

If you’re trying to wait patiently for the day I will stop talking about Batman, I have some bad news for you.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

I've been up for way too long. I got really emotional about the idea of not being able to give/receive "Winter Hugs," then not getting them from someone in particular because they're far away, and then I just panicked about how my life is going to shit because of this. Remember kids, always get a good night's sleep.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Progress: Part Final Pushes

The website itself is in a great state right now. I love where it's at, and I think I might be done tinkering with it before the launch. I like the theme, all the plugins I have work, and everything is easy to get to. I think I might make one more sidebar thing where you can get to my twitter, e-mail, and all that stuff. I guess I probably should make a Facebook page at some point, but I'll wait until basically launch week to do that.

Now I have to focus on content. I'm gonna record a few episodes the next chance I get, mostly games-stuff, and see if I can get the New York Dork to get on Skype and record some podcasts. In January I'm going to try and get some materials together and record some tutorials. I think I'll make a jacket for sure, otherwise it's up in the air. I need to clean my room (again) so I can have space to do all this recording, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe this afternoon after work, hopefully.

Oh, did I say? I'm going to try and launch in February. Hopefully that first week, but we'll see!

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Progress: Part It's Too Late to Post, But Damn

I think I've shown off my setup for recording games, yeah? Well, I've figured out how long it takes to record, edit, render, and upload on average if I'm the only one participating. Setup is mildly different if I have someone else with me, but that doesn't change much, though I haven't had a chance to test out my theory.

Anyways, if you're looking to do off-the-cuff commentary over a real-time recording of your game play, here's what I've found. Everything is pretty much based off of the initial recording interval. If you're playing and recording for an hour, then expect editing that hour into episodes to takes about an hour. Then rendering is less than an hour, probably 50 minutes. Uploading, in my case, is about the same time, so for an hour's worth of content, expect to put up another 3 hours (including uploads and renders) on top of that.

Since I don't want the site to be just gaming related, I've been taking notes on basically any idea that I'd like to put up. Comic Book Club, Movie Nights, Tutorials, Podcasts, and much much more.

Oh, I also put up a chat room and forums. Because why the hell not.

Set up a site Twitter, e-mail, and the YouTube.

It's all so close to being ready, I can almost taste it. The goal is to have the site up and ready to go the first week of February, and you guys will get to see it before the "public" date.

I'm pumped.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Josh's Sports Stream Spectacular: Halfway Through Madness

Guys! I can't believe I have under 12 hours left! It's been crazy and super awesome getting to talk to people while playing really terrible/silly/great sports video games. Right now I'm taking a break from living out my college football fantasy as Josh Flores, quarterback for the University of Texas at Austin. We've played Arena Football, NBA Street, NFL Street, NBA Live, Fight Night, and we still have about 5 more games to go!

Not only that, but we've raised $85 for charity! If we hit our $100 goal, not only does it all go to Child's Play, but I'll be playing us out for the night with Freebird on Guitar Hero. We also still have our 100 Nugget goal at $200, and at $250 we have the Lucky Lotto, where I use all the cash in my wallet to buy lotto tickets and use the winnings for charity.

Come join me for the last half!

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Josh's Sports Stream Spectacular

Hey guys, sorry this is coming to you so late, but with all the prep-work that went into this, I totally forgot to post this here!

I'll be doing a 24-hour livestream of sports video games for Child's Play! This is my first time doing this, and I'm so pumped to be doing something this silly for a good cause! I'll be starting at midnight, and I'll go for 24 hours (not including breaks!). I'm my goal is to get $100, and if you're interested, please donate here.

If you're looking to watch me, I'll be starting on my Twitch channel in about 45 minutes so everyone can get settled, me included, and if anyone has any questions, I'll be in the chat room waiting to start!

I hope you guys enjoy this!

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

What my "Home Setup" basically looks like. I took a day to have everything a bit more organized, and leave more room for people sitting on the couch, but I still feel like I need more room for them. I think I'm going to sell my bed, get a futon, and have that be the actual couch, and move the red couch next to the new futon.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Progress: This Episode Was Filmed Live At One Point

As I get closer and closer to just throwing my URL into the wind, I'm trying to think of fun things to do on "launch day." I'd love to do something live, but it just can't happen. I'd have to be behind the scenes, making sure cameras and visuals are up, mics are working, stream is working, all that junk, while also being in front of the camera to say "Hey, I'm the jerk that thought this website would be a great idea, please come check out my dumb corner of the net." Not to mention making the actual equipment work, or having actual equipment for the job. 

Now the plan is to tape something in advance, edit it, and post it day of. I still want that live feeling though, so I think I'll just throw in graphics, intros, and outros and call it a day. That doesn't solve the problem of having everyone in my room together at once to record, but that's something I can figure out closer to that time.

I've been recording episodes of me playing games like mad, but alone. I figure I can do 2 a week, 10-15 minutes each, and post them on Tuesday and Thursday. I can make more, but it's an issue of being able to have a gigantic backlog just in case life gets in the way, which has been happening a lot lately. This also gives me weeks where I can focus on the other, non-game related video like putting together kits, making stuffed animals, and other nonsense which require a different set-up and different editing, which I still haven't figured out how I want to go about taping that stuff. I mean, I have actual ideas, I just don't know how to make a video interesting, outside of actually recording and editing it. If they somehow end up being tutorials as well? But that means I have to be knowledgable on something, which is kinda crazy.

The other problem I'm running into is that it's ridiculously hard to be "on" while having no one to talk to. I wish my little sister was a little less of a social butterfly because she's the perfect person to test out the "Home Setup," while my New York Dork can never Skype, so I can't test out the "Skype Setup."

I thought that I might be able to have the website ready to go up by the end of the year, but I don't think so. I need about a week or two off of work to make sure everything's okay, that I have a handle on editing live-action videos, to finalize content schedules with the other people involved in the project, and to make sure I have enough time to recover from the post-release depression that normally happens with most creators. Even if my stuff is dumb and done the internet over a million times, I'd like to not be a wreck at work when the website first goes live. Since my coworkers have filled up the rest of the year with requests off for the holidays and such, I'm hoping for late January or early February. I've been working on this since last Valentine's Day, I do not want this thing to take a year or more to get off the ground.

Anyways, expect some news within a month letting you all know what's up.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Strides: More Progress

I just made some gigantic strides towards my big project thing becoming a reality. I have mics and recording equipment. My sister and I are doing a dry run tomorrow. I have an intro! Seriously, I made some crazy progress in these past few days, it's incredible. Hopefully everything works out tomorrow. I want to show you guys the intro, but it would ruin the surprise and you'd all end up looking at a pretty blank website.

Oh, by the way? Goal is to have these ready for the web at large by the end of the year.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

The Wild Idea: Part Of All Those Progress Posts

I made a post awhile ago about myself, and with the help of an incredible reply, I think I'm actually making progress towards being more positive about myself. Nothing all that crazy, but I'm getting much better. I watched a sad "Weird Kid Tries To Get The Girl" movie, and I didn't get too upset! I'm on the road to getting a license! Uhm... I'm not more confident, but we'll work on that.

Now, what does that nonsense have to do with an update on the mysterious project?

I'm thinking about making a fake late night show.

I have a suit-ish thing that I wore to my fake-prom, and I've been practicing making my room bigger through camera placements and stuff. If only I didn't have a damn bed taking up most of the space, but whatever, I can work around it or use it or something. Anyways! I wear the suit, I maybe have a monologue, but probably not. Sit at a nice, Ikea desk, use my puppets as extra characters. Have a bunch of stupid as hell bits. I like the idea of having a picture phone, like in Pee-Wee's Playhouse, where I'd Skype friends (Ha!) and talk to them about their day. I'd also like to really play off my insecurities in a fun way, maybe a skeletons in my closet thing where I open up my closet, and a skeleton tries to get me to open up to one of those awkward moments that keep me up at night!

Now, opening up to the internet at large is a really stupid idea, but I think that makes it that much better. I think the whole idea is so stupid, in probably the best possible way.

I take it back, this is really crazy.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Blargh, and the Other Assorted Emotions

At one point I thought that I was too "weird" to have a significant other. Mostly little quirks in my personality and situation that would make me "unmarketable" to others, as awful a term as that is. I mean, relating myself to something that needs a sell is probably not a great way to think of myself, but I do it anyways.

In my mind, there were a few things that make me a "hard sell:"

I'm still very deep into Pokemon, also other games.

I don't drive.

I don't have a car.

I don't have my own place.

Not really in any particular order, because any one of those things is a "hard sell," all of them together would need top marketers from around the world and an infinite budget to get even some glances and brand recognition.

Now, this doesn't mean I don't feel like I have positive qualities, don't get me wrong! I honestly enjoy myself, and I like what I do, how I do it, all that jazz. I think I'm a nice person, I'm pretty funny, and I've got great hair. That doesn't mean that I believe that these positive qualities can overpower the negatives, and I think that's one of my bigger hang-ups. It's not just that I like most aspects of myself, it's that it's not enough.

Another thing is that this new multimedia project is something that I'm really invested in, and I plan on seeing through. I plan on making this a big part of who I am, more so than it is now. This brings me great personal joy, and I'm having a blast working on it. Problem is, that's another "hard sell." I'm investing a lot of time and money into this project and it most likely won't be a money-maker anytime ever. I just don't see how this could be a positive, and that's upsetting because I already have plenty in the negatives, and it's coming from something I love doing.

I don't want to give up on this project. I've given up on way too many, and I just won't let it happen again, but the more I work on it the more I realize that it's just one more thing to put people off about me, and that's disheartening.

In other news, "the loneliness" only comes in bursts, as incredibly goddamn stupid as that sounds. When I'm about to sleep, mostly. It's always exasperated by having this house to myself, because this would be the optimal time to have someone to come home to even though I'm a big cat who can barely keep his eyes open when at the computer let alone be able to communicate and enjoy another human.

Anyways, I still have some progress to make, as is obvious. It's just getting tiring is all. Hope this wasn't too boring.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

I'm breaking my rule, I'm so sorry everyone.

Why? Why should I believe you, random person on the internet, with your incredible accusations and lack of evidence to back up your claims. What in the above post says "You know what, this is incredibly convincing! I bet they are telling the truth!"

Look, as a Native American woman and a fan of movies, and

I am  B E G G I N G  YOU DO NOT SEE THE LONE RANGER IN THEATERS DO NOT GIVE THIS MOVIE YOUR MONEY Disney paid off the tribal councils so there wouldn’t be controversy over Johnny Depp as Tonto. MANY Native people are upset about this, you just don’t hear it because we’re repeatedly SILENCED PLEASE CONSIDER SEEING PACIFIC RIM INSTEAD! It is a very actiony move written by a POC, starring many POC! :D Thank you! <3

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

I haven't posted an update in awhile because things are progressing and lots of it needs to still be kept secret! But, I can show you some music! The idea with music in this project is to showcase what makes us all unique. I want to incorporate songs that matter to each of us as individuals, to get a sense of who we are. For instance, I like a lot of videogame music. Koopa's Road from Super Mario 64 is on my "Album," along Gutsy Garden Galaxy from Super Mario Galazy. Not only that, but I have a few "real" songs on there, like So Starving by Panic! At The Disco.

So Starving is important to me because it speaks to my situation with creative projects on the internet. The last comic update on Eric And Josh was 1 year and 10 months ago. That's almost 2 years. I haven't really had a creative presence (if you could even call it that) since then, even though I tried to start many projects. But now, I've been working for about 3 months on this new thing, and it's actually coming together! So, while I'm so sorry I've been gone, I've been busy making things for you!

Enjoy!

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

I'm in one of those moods where I want to argue, but I have no good outlet for some of the specific arguments. OH WELL, I'LL JUST BOTTLE THEM UP VWORP.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Here they are. The Giant Bomb crew.

[jukeboxjosh-blog]

Annnnnd I'm addicted!

Jeez, I started watching Game Grumps a few days ago, and now I can't stop. The conversations they have sound like how Fraiser and I talk, to an extent. 

And now I'm worried I'll make my videos like theirs. Oh great.