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[joanndromeda]

December 31st is the one day that sort of naturally forces us to put forth a fair amount of reflection about ourselves, whether we want to or not. Is it the one time we all truly find clarity? Or the one time we all actually forgive ourselves? I don’t know. Despite so many circumstances destroying me, and leaving me feeling like I’m standing on just one leg with all my other limbs severed, I really, truly can’t believe I made it to this very last day.

The new year is so important for all of us. Obviously, we don’t change overnight. But we’re allowed 365 new days for rebirth, healing, love, and redemption.

I have important personal goals for myself. Goals that are better for my overall health, goals that are manageable, and most importantly, goals that I can measure quantitatively. As part of the laws and principles that govern human behavior, goals are difficult to achieve because the consequence is not immediate. We aren’t immediately rewarded for our attempts. And we, understandably, want immediate results. If they’re not there when we put forth the first effort, of course our response-effort dwindles in an instant.

That’s what I’ve learned this year: goals require us; they need us--our time, our passion, our patience, our effort--to be a tangible reality. If you don’t have the minimum of these four disciplines, your goals will be hard to achieve.

But that’s what these 365 new days are for. As the earth reaches its final centimeters around the earth, we become intrinsically blessed with a new, year-long beginning.

This time, I want to make sure the goals I have for this coming year are measurable and have some sort of intervention or end-product plan, not something vague that I think I could just check off like a grocery list. Bigger goals--traveling and applying for my master’s, etc.--are already written out and in the planning phase on another platform. The goals listed here are all things I want to work on so long as I’m living and breathing. Goals that can be adjusted according to my life circumstances. Goals that are relatively manageable to pick right back up if/when I become sloppy and inconsistent about meeting them. Goals that I can pretty much work on for the rest of my life and one day, hopefully, turn them into a natural part of my lifestyle. In no particular order:

Less social media: social media is the biggest offender when it comes to having yourself compare your own life to others when you don’t want to. As long as I keep comparing my productivity and success to others, my sense of self-worth will always remain stagnant or drop. I was scrolling feed after feed way too much this year; it became an unconscious and automatic behavior. Now, open windows for social media: during my lunch break, one hour max after work, and ~15-20 minutes before my nightly routine. Free spaces will be dedicated to self-care, leisure activities, projects, and relaxation.

Stable sleeping schedule: as I’m getting older, 6-7 hours of sleep just isn’t working for me anymore. Especially for the kind of job my work entails, a major antecedent for my mediocre job falls back to my hours of sleep. Now, a minimum of 8 hours of sleep for all work days; weekends are excluded. Bedtimes will be enforced by means of a schedule, and all alarms will be set up and active for the five days of work. As I’ve learned from my field, antecedent interventions are always the most preferable.

More fruits and vegetables in diet: personally, I did a solid job including vegetables whenever I found time to cook and making a fruit smoothie for about 70% of opportunities for breakfast this year. Now, continue with the fruit smoothies because they’re healthy and convenient. Just more protein powder intake, so stock up when container is only about 1/4 full. Replace granola bars and crackers with fruits at least 50% of opportunities. As for vegetables, continue cooking with the same ones I enjoy eating. This time, they will substitute for at least 40% of carbs, as long as the amount of carbs on my plate still meets the daily nutritional intake and satisfactory satiation. Treat-yourself meals and eating out are obviously exceptions.

Cleanse face every single night: I find the main reason for all my acne this year was due to not cleansing my face consistently each night. I have the necessary products and done my research for what works for my skin; my discipline is just lacking. Now, cleanse each night as part of my nightly regimen. Each week, alternate between AHA, BHA, AHA, and BHA again, totaling 2 nights of AHA and 2 nights of BHA. In addition, tamanu oil as a nightly spot treatment, and rosehip oil mixed into moisturizer for the mornings.

More art: more art means more opportunities for practice and improvement. I completed half of my sketchbook for this year (originally hoped for full completion by end of the year). I feel that if I’m going to apply for my master’s, I’m going to have little to no time for myself to draw or paint. Start now while the free time is available, abundant, and opportune. Now, complete at least 2 art pieces per month. One must include watercolor paint. To maximize opportunities, use leftover pages from 2 old sketchbooks I own for inspiration, drafting, and doodling. This will also help me overcome artist’s block and my habit for clean perfect sketches. As of writing this, half-filled sketchbook will be completed by next June and new sketchbook will be solely dedicated to inking.

Spend more time with mom and niece: As my mom is aging and I’ve become more removed from her life, I see myself becoming more and more confused and intolerable to typical behaviors of older folks. I’m finding myself treating her like a child and being the grown-up in most of our interactions. As for my niece, I want to fill her still-malleable brain with science, the arts, and adventures with her aunt before her life becomes consumed by friends, relationships, puberty, and her own established interests. Now, each time mom visits, ask her what she would like to do while she’s here. If mom has no suggestions, find one opportunity to take her somewhere. Could be her favorite pho restaurant or Bath & Body Works. Doesn’t have to be over the top, as long as I maximize opportunities to get to know mom as she is aging, and what I can do to care for her well-being during this transitional period. For niece, make her summer vacation a meaningful and memorable time with her aunt. Dedicate my undivided self to her at least 4 different occasions during her break. Will be in the form of going to a museum, traveling in a different city, watching cartoon marathons, doing paint projects, etc.

Save money: I definitely don’t think I had any crazy spending frenzies this year. Definitely some impulsive purchases here and there, but certainly not a lot to be a point of concern. My only real issue was not having any real long-term goals this year, so I wasn’t really saving for anything. The money was just sitting there the majority of the time, and when the money was just sitting there, I found excuses to spend it because I felt I wasn’t being productive with it. Mainly food, drinks, and things for my room and wardrobe. Not a lot of useless and wasteful spending. Now, stick to my money-saving plan written out on my other platform. Because I actually have serious plans this coming year (and the next), I should be more mindful about my money.

[joanndromeda]

Christmas used to be my favorite day, full of joy and happiness. Now it’s just a day, as tiring and exhausting as every other. so fucking unworthy of living.

[joanndromeda]

To all those people today who said, “and on Christmas,” as in “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me, and on Christmas” or “We’re fighting and on Christmas” or “Why do I have to feel so alone, and on Christmas,” I’m praying for you, that your next Christmas is better, that your tomorrow is better. Hang in there—know that hope isn’t just for the 25th. Hope exists for you, and it exists for every day.

[joanndromeda]

I want to go on trips with you. Far away places like up the coast, and across the country. But also closer ones, too. I want you to show me the house you grew up in; the Church you went to when you were little; the tree you had your first kiss at.

I want to make you mixtapes. And I want to hear your favorite songs, even the ones you pretend someone else put on your ipod. I want to read you my favorite poems over the phone in the morning, and dance with you above rooftops in the middle of the night. I want to make memories with you. And I want to make you happy.

But I also want you to make yourself happy. 

I want you to have a part of your life that I’m not in. I want you to keep your hobbies that don’t include me. I don’t ever want you to give up time with your friends because of me. And I never want you to stop working toward fixing the issues you’re passionate about. I love that about you.

I want you to have places—in your life, and in your heart—that i’m not invited to. I want you to make memories of your own.

And I can’t wait to hear all about them.

[joanndromeda]

hey.

you have staying power in people’s lives. I’ll say it again: you have staying power in people’s lives.

you exist. you have a presence in your best friend’s life. you have impacted their life. you exist to them regardless of whether or not you’re in contact with them at this very second. in the course of their day, they will see things that can (and have) reminded them of you. they think about you. they miss you when you’re not there.

you’re not a nebulous creature that has no sway in another person’s life. no, my treasure, you are a person who is full of personality, light, love and interests shared in common with the people you most care about.

I know what you feel, but I promise you.

You matter, objectively, to the people who love you. They’re not going to forget about you. You are not disposable.

[joanndromeda]

I saw my earlier selves as different people, acquaintances I had outgrown. I wondered how I could ever have been some of them.

Roger Zelazny, The Courts of Chaos

[joanndromeda]

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[joanndromeda]

Satyress by Victor Quaresma

[joanndromeda]

Tell me, Atlas. — Darshana Suresh

[joanndromeda]

Cy Twombly Fifty Days at Iliam 1978 oil, oil crayon, and graphite on ten canvases various sizes, permanent collection of the Philadelphia Museum of Art

[joanndromeda]

very slowly and carefully easing back into doing a little bit of art without stressing my arms out. here’s a preview of something I’m working on! I’m hoping to make it into a pattern eventually!

[joanndromeda]

Confession #2

[joanndromeda]

Being an adult means having to schedule your depression, your pain, your heartache; bottle them up with a tight lid because you still have deadlines to beat, a house to clean up, work to do—all so you could afford to stay alive.

Alfonso Manalastas

[joanndromeda]

I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books I’ll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because I’ve got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be, boundless and infinite.

[joanndromeda]

[joanndromeda]