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My thoughts in a block

Why do I have the need For everyone to at least be okay With me

Why am I bothered When someone In the room Cannot tolerate my presence

Why

Why do I feel like They NEED to like me Why do I feel like They NEED to be comfortable

I just want to graduate I want a good society I want everyone to improve

Why do they make me feel Like I have to live up to their expectations And not Be myself, identify my progress And race with my own pace

We are uncomfortable with each other I am willing to know them But why does it seem like they Have too much attitude

Instead of criticizing, They judge Instead of supporting each other, They bring each other down

I do not like it here The elephant is so big I just want to pass college The subjects, tasks are getting harder But why are we making it harder For ourselves

I see their hearts are Not so sensible What should I do? Are we not all student of life? Why not help and understand each other STOP MAKING IT SO HARD, PLEASE

By this, I do not feel like going to school anymore

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I feel it, time

It is true  I miss it  Having talks that make me want to spill everything No  I take it back  I just miss talks that make me feel comfortable to speak what is on my mind

I had some time  With a guy friend  We were group mates for a subject the whole semester Our circle of friends are pretty close  I sometimes spent time at his place  To finish some school work,  Have a drink; Or Have a talk  He had a clingy and possessive girlfriend Who was prone to jealousy  So he took our friendship the wrong way  And even hit me  With some misogyny Sometimes

I had some time  With a girl friend  We grew close  Because we volunteered for church work  But I think I make her uncomfortable  Sometimes And she would not tell me why  So she distanced herself  And I am afraid I cannot pass the threshold She also has a larger pocket  So I find it hard to mingle with her  Sometimes 

For freshman year,  I guess I only have acquiantancces  Not so close  Not so far  I feel lonely  Most of the time

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New Year (*Do not read if you are not in for pessimism*)

I wish I was never born

Out of nowhere, marriage?

Out of nowhere, a child?

He literally said, he only wanted two

Practically implied, he was not willing to sacrifice too much

He had no choice

I do not want to live anymore

Especially in a world like this

I would not want to remember this life

My father knocks once

Twice

Thrice, he could have knocked the whole wall down

I wish he went through with it

Killed me anyway

So he would not have to provide for anyone but himself

Did not have to worry of the responsibilities he should be burdened

All the accusations of effects and causes of raising a human being

I do not want to feel

This home has been somewhat fun

No it was not really

But, of course, they break it up when they have to

Make us see the world in what it is

But what is it really?

They are all different

The ones who raised me

I wish they did not

I wish they just killed me

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winter package preview

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I wanna learn how to edit like this huhu

2020 WINTER PACKAGE PREVIEW

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I’m always like tae but rn, I’m yoongi hihi. They’re so cute :>

Whiny

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Friends or nah? ...These kind of men are trash.

The first one I was writing got deleted because the app restarted

... the truth is, I was offended. I was only asking for accompaniment when he said this "I don't think it's a good idea. They might think we're in a relationship or that we're flirting." 

Prior to this, I actually told him some history of a former highschool sweetheart and I. Let us call my (as of the moment and might not bw anymore) College friend/Blockmate A and my highschool sweetheart as B...

(This is the third time I am going to write this entry. UGHTT. The first one, I was writing on my, it got to 10% battery life. It asked me whether I wanted it set on power saving mode. I accidentally clicked on ‘on’ so the tumblr app directed me to home. The one I was writing did not get saved to draft. The second time, my phone is officially down. It ran out of battery life. Goshh) 

... I have been having this feeling that the guy himself is starting to get attracted to me. The comfortable aspect of eating out then having talks with him, out-of-plans drinking alcohol with him then having deeper talks. We have a mutual understanding of some things, we have a whole semester grouping, and so we constantly talk. Not only about some out-of-school stuff but also of academic. And I saw his scores, we were often always the same or just some points different.

A few personal stories we have shared is about sexual intercourse (oral, vaginal, anal, etc.). I got to know that A  already engaged in vaginal sex, oral sex, fingering or blowjobs, masturbation. I have not yet asked if he has tried anal sex. Then I shared my side. I have never tried ANY SORT. I have never tried a fling, a girlfriend or boyfriend; relationship. While he has reached all bases, even cumming inside of his girlfriend, I have never tried any. I only mentioned that I have experienced harassment from when I was young up to now. He was actually surprised that people like me experience such instances. Now that I think about it, my experiences of harassment were much worse when I was a child. I have experienced getting locked in a car: the driver tickling me but he was actually reaching places, getting locked in a room with my grandfather: my grandfather was drunk, he was tickling me in bed, I was asleep, he touched some places, Walking up the stairs and my dad touching my butt all the way up, walking in public with a lot of people and a drunkard suddenly came up to try and hug me while looking at my chest. A  mentioned that they probably were provoked because I have a distinct chest. Honestly, did he not hear that it was happening since I was young. I was conscious that there I was uncomfortable of them doing those when I was 6 years old. I am much more aware now that it is indeed harassment. A even had the audacity to do hand motions while looking at my chest to demonstrate how big my bust is. For your information, I do not wear anything lower than a regular round neck t shirt. 

Now that I have written this. I have now come to a conclusion that men like him really cannot fight the urge to assert patriarchy, masculinity and attraction to big things to such things like women’s physiques. 

I was drinking with two guys. A and another guy. We will call him C.  He shared the fact that he has experienced his first blowjob and he had to shake himself from experiencing the ‘kilig.’ They then shared the mutual attraction they have of a Senior in our course. Let us call her D. She is a the daughter of one of our professors in a major subject. She has the curves alright and thick enough for those matters. They had the same thoughts: “It was hard not to look down.” These are okay. The attraction? It is okay. The way they control it? Normal. They do not sexualize to a toxic extent. Just enough for society’s decent standards. 

But the way he said that accompanying me to a gathering to protect or to stop me from acting on impulse in front of B who supposedly hurt me and is still hurting me in the past is just preposterous. I do not like A at all. I just wanted a friend. 

Should I continue to be friends with him to understand why he rejected me with that reason? Or nahh These kind of men are trash. 

I forgot to say that he is in a serious relationship with his girlfriend. Who is a jealous type, he says. 

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“She grabbed me tight in the arm then dug her nails in...”

So, here is the thing. I just came home from a dinner date with a few old classmates. We are all enrolled in the same university but taking up different programs. We were seven people. I am in BA Communication, A is in  BS Tourism Management, B in BS Psychology and C, D, E and F in BA Philosophy. We’re a bunch of different people really. We all came from the Academic track, HUMSS (Humanities and Social Sciences) strand, a program by the government trying to add 2 more years to the academic life of a student which is honestly inconvenient and pretty much stupid. The students did not and do not need 2 more years, the academe needs a better educational system. They added the so called Senior High School to be at par with the academic system of other countries. It was also recommended by the UN to enhance the PH’s academic system. To no avail, what we studied for 2 years is the same things we are studying yet again in College. 

The dinner with them was filled with laughter. They said things that were funny, considerable and sensitive. While I was with them, I felt like I was allowed to be sad, untalented, and unworthy whilst feeling the opposite when I was with them. They are all intelligent in so many ways. I felt so comfortable I did not want to go home and continue working on requirements for school yet. They made my night. Before going out to dinner, we first watched CineSTELA. CineSTELA is a show prepared and presented to the whole university provided the audience pay for the tickets to help fund the Lantern Parade of STELA (School of Teacher Education and Liberal Arts). The Lantern Parade on the other hand is a University wide competition where every level of education in the University shall render a Lantern Parade and a Field Demonstration to the City of Pines, Baguio. 

The CineSTELA is practically a way to milk money from students. According to its etymology, Cine is derived from the word Cinema which is a place that presents movies. STELA is the name of the school, a part of the university. The theme was to represent various movies. Only STELA teachers were performers and organizers. BA Communication students were mostly the helpers for this event. I went into the Prince Bernard Gym with G, H and I. Initially, I was only going to watch with G after finishing some articles at Raincoat coffee. I followed after. I always felt a little off with I. I sat with her at the gym. The show was entertaining. The faculty was fairly talented but obviously lacked preparation and practice. They were juicing the laughter from me and I had the habit of slapping the shoulder of the person beside me while laughing. I was unable to hear much especially with the noise from other students and the sound system. She grabbed me tight in the arm then dug her nails in. She then proceeded to say with gritted teeth, “Aray, aray. Masakit. May regla ako.” (”Ouch, ouch. It hurts. I’m on my period.”) This are the only words I heard. It hurt, of course. I have sensitive skin, by the way. I carry a plastic bag for a few minutes, red marks would not go away after 3 hours, it itches and if I am not careful enough, I get scratches. And that is just on my arm. I wish she just told me in a different way. I thought for a few minutes then stood up and went to my other friends. I obviously is not one.

It would have been a beautiful day with Dianne and a wonderful night to a dinner with old friends without I. I feel awful right now. I hope no one feels like this. 

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one of the most important things i’ve learned in therapy is that when you’ve experienced prolonged trauma in your childhood, pleasure feels uncomfortable. like, not that you don’t feel it, but that when you do feel it there’s an impulse to make it stop, because it’s extremely unfamiliar. and pleasure can mean many things, as simple as feeling cozy, and as complex as feeling loved. the neural pathways for feeling good have not had a chance to develop, and the neural pathways for feeling bad are quite practiced. feeling good, too, takes conscious practice.

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Ktokogo --who controls whom?

Lenin

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(source)

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Intermediate Korean Grammar Recap

This is a summary of all the intermediate level Korean grammar points I learned this summer, as well as their respective posts (if there is one). I’ll try to make the others as soon as possible and add them as I go.

~(으)ㄹ 걸요: used when the speaker states an unconfirmed assumption or supposition about a future event or something he or she is not sure about.

~(으)ㄴ/는 반면에/~(으)ㄴ/는 데 반해: used to express the fact that two things are opposites (“on one hand…, on the other hand…”).

~는 바람에: used when the preceding clause descrives the cause or reason for the statement in the following clause (“due to…”).

~는 탓에: indicates that the preceding clause is the clause or reason why the negative event described in the following clause occured (“because of…”)

~고 해서: this expression means that the reason given in the preceding clause is just one if a number of reasons for the behavior described in the following clause (“due to … among other things”)

~다고 하던데: combination of ~는다고 하다 (citation) and 던데 (recollection), it is used when recalling or confirming something you heard somebody else say previously (“I heard that…”).

~(으)ㄹ까 하다 : this is used to indicate the speaker’s vague intention or rough plan that has yet to be finalized (“I’m thinking of doing…”).

~(으)려던 참이다: this expression is used to express the fact that not only had the speaker been intending to do the very thing the other person is suggesting, but that he or she was just about to do it at that very movement or intended to do so very soon (“I was just about to…”).

~(으)ㄹ 겸 ~(으)ㄹ 겸 (해서): this expression is used to indicste the speaker’s intention to do at least two actions or behaviors (“… as well as…”).

~지 그래요?: this expression is used to suggest that someone do somsthing, but is a much weaker and softer expression than ~도록 하다 (“Why not… ?”)

~더라고요: this expression is used to express the speaker’s recollection of something that he or she previously directly saw, heard or felt.

~아/어지다: this expression is used when the subject’s action or behavior occurs either because of an action performed by someone else or because of some other indirect action performed by some person or some thing (“He is closing the door” -> “The door was closed”).

~게 하다: this expression is used to indicate that the subject makes someone else do some behavior (“I am angry” -> “He made me angry”).

~아/어야: in this expression, the preceding clause states the condition(s) necessary to realize the situation stated in the following clause (“In order to…, you have to…”).

~거든: this expression has a meaning of “if the statement (in the preceding clause) is actually true, then…”.

~(으)ㄴ/는 데다가 or (으)ㄴ/는 데다: this expression indicated that the action or state in the following clause occurs in addition to that stated in the preceding clause (“On top of…”).

~조차: this expression is used to express “not only others but also the most primary one” and refers generally to extreme situations that the speaker did not expect or could not anticipate. (Ex: I don’t even know his name -> 그 사람 이름조차 몰라요).

~만 해도: this expression is used when providing examples to explain a situstion or statement made previously (“even just…”)

~만 하다: used with nouns denoting a size, number or amount, this expression indicates that the noun under discussion is approximately the same in size, amount or degree as the noun (“as … as” “… is worth …”).

~아무 + (이)나/아무 + 도: the word 아무 is used to express the not choosing of any specific thing in the sense of “any” (eg. anything, anyone).

~(이)나: this expression is used to indicate that although something is not really one’s first choice, it is fine as the second best option (“… or something”).

~(이)라도: this expression is used to indicate the speaker’s choosing of something that will suffice even though it is not the best option among the available choices (“at least” “even”).

~든지 ~든지: this expression is used when expression that any of the stated choices are fine (“whether it’s … or …”).

~만에: this expression is used to indicate that somthing occured a certain amount of time after a previous event occured (“in (the span of)”).

~아/어 가지고: this expression indicated the doing of the action in the following clause based on the result of completing the action in the preceding clause (“because of…”). It also expresses the speaker’s reason for a certain action or state of affairs.

~아/어다가: this expression indicates that the action in the following clause is done based on the result of first completing the action in the preceding clause (“do… then (based on that action) do…”).

~고서: this expression is used to indicate that the first action completed before the subsequent action stated (‘I did… and then…“).

~고 보니(까): this expression is used to indicate that the speaker learned something new, discovered some new piece of information, or found out something was contrary to what was previously thought after some action or even occured ("Seeing… I realized that…”).

~다(가) 보니(까): this expression is used to indicate that the speaker learned something new after doing some action or behavior continuously from some time in the past, or that a certain situation has occured as a result of that behavior (“After doing… (continuously), I realized that…”).

~다(가) 보면: this expression indicates that if the action or behavior in the previous clause continues, then the result in the following clause will occur (“If you keep…”).

~더니: this expression is used when the speaker wants to refer to something directly seen or experimented in the past when describing how that thing has subsequently changed. (“This was… but now it is…”).

~았/었더니: this expression is used to indicate that something happened as a result of something the speaker did or said previously (“Because I… [something happened]”).

~다가는: this expression is used to express the speaker’s view that if the action in the preceding clause continues, then an adverse result or state of affairs will occur in the future (“If you keep… [negative result] will occur”).

~(으)ㄴ/는 셈이다: this expression is used when the speaker, after considering a number of possible situations, concludes that something could be considered more or less the same as the topic or subject that has been mentioned (“It’s almost as though…”).

~아/어 놓다 or ~아/어 두다: these expressions are interchangeable and used to indicate either the continuation of a state after doing an action or the maintaining of a previous state of being.

~답다: it is attached to nouns and used to indicate that something has the qualities or characteristics of the noun (“…-like”).

~(이)야말로: this expression is used to strongly emphasize the meaning of the preceding noun, especially as a prime exemple among a number of other possible choices.

~고 말다: this expression refers to an unplanned event or action that continued until it was completed or thoroughly finished in a way undesired by the speaker (“[something] ended up…”).

~나 마나: this expression is used when doing the preceding action is of no value of use (“It’s of no use…”).

~아/어 봤자: this expression is used to indicate that there’s no use even trying what is stated in the preceding clause or that doing so would not live up to expectations (“It doesn’t matter if you…”).

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Never choose someone who doesn’t meet the communication that you deserve. Connection is passion.

juansen dizon (via juansendizon)

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What I get (072319

I got yelled at for reminding my mom that my sister has an exam the next day.

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jungkook learned from the best 😂

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