jhamphee

[jhamphee]

I don’t know why we met

I don’t know how we got here

I’m not even sure if there is an actual connection

but I kinda know there’s something here

[jhamphee]

Ahh... So this is what healing feels like!

You really will look back one day and just smile at all the heart aches you've gone through. And your smile will grow even bigger and wider and you'll feel that little burst of happiness reach your heart once you realize that you are in a better place now.

You're no longer scared of what else might break you because you know that it'll only make you stronger. You know you can walk through hell and back all over again and still find that light at the end of the tunnel. Never again will you be scared of eating alone because you know what you bring to the table.

But growth and healing is never linear. There are sad days and nights where it feels empty and lonely. But it's not something you can't get through.

Stay strong, baby girl. You most definitely got this.

[jhamphee]

How to Change the Light

Sometimes you have to turn off the light and change the bulb to a much better one. You can't just change it to any bulb, you have to find a bulb that would suit you perfectly.

It can't be too bright, it might be good in the beginning but you'll realize later on that it makes your head ache and the room will lose its coziness. It can't be too dim either, you'll find the room too dark to see things clearly and the light won't be enough to light you up.

It has to have the right amount of light emitted from it. Bright enough to see what needs to be seen and dim enough to help you sleep even with the lights on.

It might take a while for you to find this perfect light bulb, and you might have to live in the dark for quite some time. But as time passes by, you'll get to know the room better, you'll get to memorize how many step it takes to not bump into things so you won't get hurt.

You'll realize that the sun rises every morning to help light up the room and see what's inside. And as soon as you're able to take in to heart every single corner of the room, you'll understand that you never really needed that lightbulb after all.

One day, you'll be able to walk around the room even with your eyes close. Even if you find the perfect light bulb, you will no longer be afraid if it goes out. Even if it never gets replaced, you know your way around. You'll be fine.

[jhamphee]

I keep looking for you in places I know you will never go

[jhamphee]

Her/She/I

I woke up 680 days after you broke my heart and felt like a totally different person. Someone new and at the same time someone I know and strangely someone I’ve come to love so well. She has my face, my body, my scars, my eyes, my smile, my things, my thoughts, and even my heart. She has everything I own and the first thing I looked for was you. She doesn’t have you, you were nowhere in sight, there were no traces of you to be found, she was clean. 

It’s as if you and her were never in the same timeline, never in the same place, never in the same world. It’s as if your name was never uttered by her mouth, you felt all foreign and new and unfamiliar. It’s like you were never part of her history, not a story untold, not even a speck of dust in her little galaxy.

I asked her, “do you know this person?” and I showed her your photo.

I notice her struggle as she tried really hard to think who is he? and I thought to myself maybe she’s lying? It’s impossible for her not to know him or remember at least one thing about him! He’s all I’ve ever really known from head to toe after all. But there was only silence and confusion from her. 

“No, I’m sorry I don’t know him” was all she could say.

“Is he someone important? am I supposed to know him?” she asked. 

“No. Not at all.” I answered. 

“You seem disappointed.” she uttered. 

“No, not really. I’m just confused how this could be.” I told her. 

And she stood beside me, gave me a pat on the back as I vow my head in solemn confusion. We stayed like that silently for a few minutes and then she held my face between her hands and said “look at me. as in really look at me. take a good look at me and this time see.” 

And I stared at her. There were scars all over her, all her bloody wounds that was once there has now dried up and healed. They seemed deep and really caused huge damage. I wanted to ask her are you okay? but her gaze told me not worry and look at her. 

She was smiling, a great big smile that would make anyone smile when they see it. She was glowing with exuberant joy. She seemed really happy and peaceful and contented. She didn’t seem incomplete nor did it feel like she was missing something. There were no voids that had to be filled at all. In fact, she was whole. She is entirely and purely herself that made her complete.Then it hit me. She is not who I used to be. I am not who I used to be.

[jhamphee]

forget me not

We’ve been here before, we’ve been here too many times I lost count. I said goodbye, you said goodbye but it was never really goodbye. We keep on saying goodbye that the word has lost its meaning. We overdid it that now, it makes no sense at all.

I could name a hundred thousand reasons why we will never work and yet I keep on clinging to that one little hope that maybe we would. That hope kept me going, it made me held on to a rope that was never even tied to anything and I realize that I was still falling deeper and deeper until I hit the ground.

The loud thud shook my very being hard to the core. I hit my head and it woke me up to the truth I kept closing my eyes on. I lied awake on the pavement staring at the reality that I was in all this time. I trusted that you will never let go of the rope so I let myself fall. But I missed the fact that you pushed me down the rabbit hole. Why did you?

I have about a million questions running through my mind. And in the beginning, I was looking for answers that I luckily found but it was never the answer that I actually wanted so I ignored it.

But time really heals

I still come across these same old questions every now and then but I no longer care about the answers. They don’t matter anymore.

This is by far the longest ride and the most tiring journey I’ve ever been on in my entire life. It was fun when it first started until I realized that this is just a journey. That’s it. There’s no destination, it’s going nowhere. It’s a waste of time, a waste of energy, and a waste of resources. But there were lessons — a lot of them.

The moment I decided to step out of the journey that was us, is the same moment I felt the most uncomfortable.

It was hellbent scary, a tad bit lonesome, and overtly agonizing.

It was something I never want to go through again. Not in this lifetime, no. But you know how they say that growth starts to happen once you step out of your comfort zone? Yeah, me too.

Growth hit hard. I was forced to do the same things we used to do, only this time I was alone with myself. It was mostly days and nights of me crying myself to sleep, then waking up to my alarm only to start crying again. God, it was awful. I was full of self loathing and pity, I was drowning in a sea of everything that hurt.

I had to stay afloat so I could stay alive, to keep my head up so I could breathe — and god, I could not breathe. I kept gasping for air after air and that made me realize that I have always loved the sea. And that when there’s a sea, there’s a shore. I had to learn how to swim and so I did. I swam tirelessly for months and months on end.

They said a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor but I’m no sailor and so I was carried away back to where I was drowning when tsunamis of you came crashing in. I was drowning in my misery again. The good thing about learning a skill though is that once you learn it, it’s yours. You might get a bit rusty but it’s ingrained within you and with a little bit of practice you’ll be back on track in no time.

I did choke on a few salty tears from the sea water but I still remember learning how to swim. And that was it. I kept swimming like what Dory told me to do. Every now and then a sea storm comes but I never let it drown me. I swam with the waves, I kept going, I rest more than I should sometimes but I never stopped.

And now I can see the shore. Finally. I am almost there and for months on end that I’ve been swimming in this vast sea of pain, I can actually tell when another surge of huge waves is about to come. I know and I feel that another one is coming soon. The water is receding with quite a mighty force. So I swam faster, paddling my feet harder, my arms reaching farther as I pull myself.

Few more laps and I’m there. You can’t touch me no more. You can’t pull me back. I can feel the sand in my feet but I’m still too tired to start walking and so I will crawl until I reach the fine sand of freedom. I will crawl until I can feel the sand on my face and bathe in the warmth of the sun shining down on me.

Someday I’ll be able to pull myself together and gather all my strength and stand on my own two feet. I will walk away from all the things that have hurt me. And slowly I will starting running — no, not away from you. But towards myself and someday I will climb a mountain so high, I’ll see the world at the top. I’ll see all the beautiful city lights. I’ll watch the sunrise and the sunset in the sea of clouds, way there up high.

And maybe on a cloudless day, I’ll rest up there watching the sea that used to drown me and I’ll remember each and every stroke it took for me to get here.

And I’ll have no longing left for a taste and feel of the waters. It will be nothing but a view, I’ll take a peek at it all the time and wave back every now and then.

But for now, as I lay all these pain and feelings to rest, as I slowly let the wind dry my tears, as I let your little waves touch my feet while I walk the long shoreline of our memories, I’ll let you catch on the trail of my foot prints in the sand I’ve left behind. The waves will keep coming and fading on the shore endlessly and slowly, slowly

it’ll wash away every part of me I willingly gave and you callously took.

It might take some time before I reach the end of this shore line but that’s okay, time is all I’ve ever really had. Perhaps, I’ll stop and rest and build some castles on the sand on my way out of here, who knows what empire I might start but then again maybe not. But whatever it is that’s out there, I am off to catch it. I don’t mind that you mind, caution was thrown into the wind a long long time ago.

This closes the chapter of your story in my book. Time allowed me to devour pages of you, nothing but you. I am now ready to turn the page and see what happens next and I hope you do too. The sun is about to set and I will always be chasing it but now would be the perfect time for me to bid my final good bye to you. All is well, all will be well.

By the way, remember the rope I held on to for so long? Yes, that one. I’ll cut the cord, so please let go. Thank you and good night.

[jhamphee]

you knew

it was right there staring at you straight in the face and yet you didn’t see it coming. why? because you chose not to. now deal with the pain. 

[jhamphee]

No Justice, No Peace.  Quote from Emiliano Zapata

Art by Liberal Jane

[jhamphee]

Please, let me go.

I have got to start letting you go and start accepting the fact that you’re not the one. Yes, we were once happy and in love but that is all over now. Our journey together has finally reached its end and that we’ve come to a point of no return. We can no longer go back to that place where love first found us because that place is long gone.

This on and off communication makes no more sense. We can keep on breaking each other through and through but that’s just a waste of time and we both know it. I am not and won’t ever be the same person I was when we were still together and I know you are too.

All these reminiscing, these momentary glimpse of what could have been is doing nothing but hinder our growth. Maybe we’re having a hard time letting go of each other because we found comfort in dark times to what we believe what love was. You were there, I was there, we lived in that moment.

But you see, we won’t get to know what happens next by reading the same old pages over and over again. The story goes on by turning it and right now there is none left since we’ve reached the end. It’s like a bedtime story where you ask for more but it’s time to hit the sack, silly child.

Who knows? Maybe this is just a prequel to the greatest love story we would ever get to witness in this lifetime. And that in the greater scheme of things, this is actually a trilogy and we’re only on book one.

Perhaps, in this first part of the series, we just needed to find each other and fall madly in love but also break each other down. And in the second book, we re-learn what love is. That it’s not enough and that it barely makes up for what it truly takes to build a strong and lasting relationship. Or maybe not?

It could also be learning what loving yourself really means. Finding who you truly are in this big big world. Accepting all your flaws and imperfections, and understanding that you are but a spec of dust in this universe. Being raw and vulnerable and gentle and fearless and magical. All these beautiful and wonderful things that is yet to unfold before us.

We will never know unless we let ourselves. I want to know. I want to stop wondering what if and really, truly know what is. I need this, you need this, we both need this. So I am asking you in all kindness, please cut the cord and let me go.

[jhamphee]

Perfect Time

Time will come when I will no longer look for love in the wrong place — that is you. I will no longer wait for you to finally realize that I’m the one and that you should choose me because I am not and there is a reason why you didn’t. And when that time comes I would’ve finally believed and understood it and have finally chosen me.

I won’t be a shoulder to cry on anymore. I will no longer lie to myself that I’m just being a friend when deep inside I wish I wasn’t. All channels will remain blocked but not so you won’t see what I’ve been up to or how I’ve been but so that your means to connect would remain as little as possible.

I won’t bother changing my number not because I’m still hoping you’ll reach out but because I will no longer allow myself to make adjustments for you. You can keep on dialing and the line will ring endlessly, that I guarantee. But I won’t be there to pick up — regardless of the circumstance.

The time will come when you will not be a constant passenger in my train of thought. Where you’re not someone to compare to anymore. Where I’ll feel genuine happiness surge through my bones and you’re not someone I’d like to share it with.

I dream of this place or season where I will no longer care about you. Or think about you. I will no longer feel anything when someone brings up your name in a conversation. It’s not that I’ll forget you but you’ll be someone not worth remembering. And I don’t mean this in a bad way but it’s something I need for myself.

Right now, all these seems really hard to do and to be honest I am struggling. I have bad days where I wanna run to you and there are a lot of good days I wanna tell you about. I’m in the process of constantly stopping myself. It’s not a perfect ten but I’m getting better at it.

I still miss you a lot sometimes and it’s become more frequent these days. So I just throw myself in all the work I need to do for myself and it’s not easy, I’ll tell ya. In the meantime though, I’ll keep on learning the art of getting by and keep my faith that the perfect time will come for me to move on — just like it did when we fell in love.