jfipoetry

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To the one who taught me what love actually meant,

It always felt difficult to write about you with you always around me. But even though it's been almost a year since I've seen you, it took me days to put my thoughts into place. They ask me why I never learnt to hate you for choosing yourself. If my destruction wasn’t a cause big enough for my anger. And on days, I can't help but agree. But if anger could bring my old self back, I’d fight Lyssa any day. Love, you see, can suffocate you with it’s absence too.

But when the peace does kick in, I miss how my poems didn't sound like mine every time you read them to me. I can't help but wish to hear them again. How my favourite song had a new voice to it. I hate how you were right when each time I told you to leave, you smirked and told me I’d miss you too much if you actually did. I do. Or how whatever bits I remember of your laughter, still puts a smile on my face and if I close my eyes tight enough, I might remember the last 'I love you' said. I hate that those words feel like they don't belong in any one else’s mouth now. How I haven't found the courage to say it back since you. I can only pray and hope it isn't the same for you. And on some days I can't help but wonder if I could be selfish and ask you to love me again. I wonder if you'd tell me you missed my sleepy, morning voice a little too much too. Or maybe just like in my dreams, you'd come and hold my face, laugh at my silly thoughts and tell me you’re here. That it's going to be okay.

We're going to be okay.

Right?

- j.f.i. (@jfipoetry on Instagram) // 08.10.19

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“You were fierce in the softest way possible; brave in the sense that you were unapologetically human. Overflowing with love like a pair of eyes at a funeral; so much to give, turning corner after corner waiting for someone to take. You belonged in Paris; the city brimming with delicate beauty, a place where it’s safe to be as full of uncontrollable love as you are. You could sit outside tiny cafes and watch the sunrise over the Eiffel Tower, shooting pretty French girls dead with your smile. That fucking smile; I could write 1000-page Epics about your face when you see something worth looking at. You were almost dangerous. Like a painting come to life.”

— h.w

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be good to people for no reason

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The one thing that bothers me about 'time' is how oblivious it seems to be. The 'what if's and 'maybe's, questions I'd rather have answers to than to wait and see. Sometimes I fear, what if time doesn't end up doing what it's supposed to do. What happens if I keep going over the same mistakes, keep hoping for another chance. Hoping to fix something. What if every time I come across your name, I still need a moment before I speak. Or that every time I get close to someone, I fear not being enough again and again. What if forehead kisses always remind me of you.

On some days it worries me, what if there is no 'right time' to do something. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe there is no 'next time' to hope for. And if there are too many of them to go through before that time actually comes. It rather makes me sick to think, what if I keep fighting battles I shouldn't be fighting in the first place. Maybe there is no way of fixing some things. And I've realised, healing hurts way more than love itself. So, what if I never stop going back to that love instead. What if, maybe, for this once, time stands hopelessly still?

- j.f.i. (@jfipoetry on Instagram)

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“Here’s the hard part: you don’t ever stop loving him. You move on and you grow and you change, but it doesn’t ever stop, this feeling. And when you see him five years from now, all uptight in his fancy new job and wearing a suit that makes him look like a big deal, when he smiles in that easy way and says,“Hey, you. It’s been a while,” your stomach will still trip over itself. Your hollow hands will still want to reach out and mess up his tie. His hair. Trace the skin of his back until he sighs. And you’ll still wonder why. Why it didn’t work. Why it couldn’t now. Oh, God. No, you’re never going to stop loving him. Your heart just doesn’t know how.”

—

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Almost.

I've realised heartbreak won't follow the plans I make,

Or stay patiently behind the walls I build,

It'll make its appearance when I least expect it,

And peak through the smiles I fake.

It's all about taking steps I know I'll regret soon,

It's that feeling at 3 AM that I'm getting better;

Until I wake up to tears of absence of your morning voice,

Or the comfort in your eyes at noon.

You see, your love doesn't make me swoon anymore,

Or make me smile like it used to,

It makes me want to feel again

To be loved again to my core.

One minute it makes me wonder

If I'll ever be okay again,

The other, it makes me doubt the intentions

Of things as simple as the very sky that I stand under.

And on some days I even believe

We were almost perfect;

Some days I wish you'd feel,

Almost could be a reason enough to not leave.

- j.f.i. (@jfipoetry on Instagram)

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I’m a caring person. I like looking after people. It’s easier than looking after myself…

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You’re the only person I’d be okay with calling me at 3 am for no reason

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“Someday someone is going to love you as much as you loved everyone else and I hope to god, you’ll let that happen.”

— A.M.// let yourself be loved (via tullipsink)

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Feelings I wish went away pt2