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WHY UR GONNA GET SO FKN DUMPED: WELLINGTON EDITION

ARIES Soon ur gonna find urself on the Tug Boat surrounded by 18yos at a bloody Shark Week show, snorting lines of MDMA off some kid’s school ID all while ignoring ur partner’s texts. Then, cos u lack impulse control, ur gonna pash the first hottie u lay eyes on. U naughty naughty cheat, ur dumped mate. TAURUS Ur lover hears u booking a table at Logan Brown and thinks you’ve actually remembered ur anniversary for once and booked a romantic dinner for the two of yas, BUT no! You booked a table for one cos ur a selfish glutton. Ur lover spends the evening swiping right on tinder hotties while u quaff $30 glasses of wine & scoff foie gras. Dumped! GEMINI Ur idea of a stimulating conversation is just yarning on and on about yourself, u get off on it like a form of masturabation. And now u keep on forcing ur partner to watch ur stand up comedy shows at Fringe and ur awful slam poetry nonsense and they can’t take it anymore! You don’t love them, u love the sound of your own voice. U are so fkn dumped. CANCER Lately u only leave the house to a) hit up New World for a bottle of $7 Sauv and then b) to drunkenly writhe on the horrific dancefloors of Courtenay Place while ur lover holds your wine glass, ur cellphone, eftpos card, the screws to ur loose head. Later u get weepy & pathetic and can’t recognise them through your miserable, drunken tears. Dumped! 

LEO You’ve forgotten that your partner’s needs and desires are valid too. Every conversation is about you. Ur always bossing them around & having them wait on u hand n foot. Ew. You post heaps of couples photos on instagram where u look hot as fuck & ur partner looks like a goblin. Hiring out the Thistle Hall and making them curate a shrine to ur excellence is a step too far, u are so dumped.  

VIRGO Your idea of a romantic night in is filling up the twee little bottles ya bought at Moore Wilsons with ur spices n dried herbs and then bulk cooking lunches to be frozen for the week ahead. The other day was ur bae’s birthday and you bought them a vacuum cleaner. A vacuum cleaner. I’m sorry but this is a dumpable offence. Next! LIBRA You’d flirt with a brick wall if it had a face spray painted on it. You just can’t control urself. U take ur partner out dancing at 121, but spend the whole night grinding with strangers and telling randos that ya love them all while ya lover dutifully buys n delivers u cans of VB. Sorry but this is the last time, ur dumped.  

SCORPIO  Some old freak just offered to buy ur partner a wine at hummingbird and ur possessive, jealous streak is out in full force. “HOW DARE ANYBODY EXCEPT ME FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE & INTERESTING?!” U go home together and try seduce them into angry make up sex, but they’re not having it which sends u into scorpio manipulation mode. U try pull a sulk, it backfires. Oh buddy you are sooooo dumped. 

SAGITTARIUS  Oh sagi, always lacking tact. Your bb has been out of town for the last few weeks and ya borrow a car to pick them up from Wellington Airport. When they ask, “did ya miss me?” without thinking you respond, “nah” see you’ve been off busy on ur own adventures. They hand u the considerate souvenir they got u & call an uber home instead. U are totally dumped. CAPRICORN It’s been 6 months of u organising the occasional boring coffee date at Memphis Belle when u can fit them into ur work schedule. Each time u meet u just talk endlessly about the same trash: work, ur plants, the weather, the neighbour’s stinkin compost heap. They stare at u so bored their eyes have rolled so far back in their head that they’ve swallowed them. You’ve no joie de vivre and you are dumped. 

AQUARIUS U like to act as tho ur as mad as a box of frogs and more unique and totally random than everyone in the city, but in reality u think Midnight Espresso of all places is “really out there man.” One day u trap ur lover into a three hour rant about how the earth is flat while u order Chai Tea after Chai Tea. They go home and never speak to u ever again. Ur dumped. PISCES “Meet me at Oriental Parade beach under the full moon” you say & ur lover arrives to see you guitar in hand. U serenade them as you lead them down the beach, where upon the sand they read the words “WILL U MARRY ME?” drawn out. You’ve only been together three weeks! You are so dumped.

[jerkstrology-blog]

Okay, you hate Geminis? You and everyone else good on ya mate. Have you ever thought for a second, "but why do I hate Geminis?" Did a mean, lil gemmy hurt your poor wee feelings? :’( Prob (get over it). Is it because you saw a funny meme one time that was ripping on them? Maybe, but us Geminis know what’s really going on. We understand that your hate toward us is mostly just a manifestation of your insecurities. Geminis are a pretty well-balanced sign and we get it that you're just mad that we have the good traits that you're lacking. We get it and we forgive you. I mean it's quite hard to not be jealous of a Gemini, I mean here's a list of some of our positive traits: charming, witty, clever, devoted, outgoing, versatile, communicative, creative, cheerful etc etc It's easy to see why you'd be jealous of a Gemini. Even their bad traits aren't that bad. Impractical? That can be fun. Bad with money? That can be managed. Flirtatious? So what? Dramatic? Makes for good stories. Geminis are great and thanks to all your hate, one of the most well-known signs. There are bad Geminis out there (Donald Trump) but the greatest people to have ever lived are/were Geminis (Prince). The reason Gemini gets so much hate is half due to shitty memes and then the other half is due to jealousies.  GEMINI IS A GREAT SIGN, YOU ARE WRONG TO HATE THEM INSTEAD TRY TO ADMIRE AND LEARN FROM THEM HA HA HA THANKS X0X0X0X0X0X0X0

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THE SIGNS AS REALLY SHITTY NEW ZEALAND DOMESTIC BEERS

The ratings and reviews come from www.ratebeer.com/ check it out, gr8 site ya. Astrological opinions are all mine. No hard feelings.

ARIES

Speights Gold Medal Pale Ale 11/100

“Pride of the South? I pity the South because this is a bland beer that is really more for swilling than anything else. “

“I'm a big bolshy Aries. Look at me I am so strong, I can do anything. I can drive a ute blind folded and I can stack hay better than everyone. I am Aries. I am so gr8.” All those first year idiots that burn couches down in Dunedin, you can bet they're all Aries. Drink Speights, lose ur m8s. I hate these arrogant assholes. Impulsive or just straight up stupid? Such a masculine sign. Ugh! Take your hot head elsewhere, I loathe you.

TAURUS

Haägen Premium Malt Gold Lager 4/100

“Dear lord I can smell the putrid bile from about three feet away... absolutely horrible smelling beer, this is... Composed of some sort of chemicals laced with urine and paint-thinner... this stuff smells awful. Texture is fizzy and rough, initialy somewhat sweet, then turning horribly sour and spoiled on the back of the tongue. A fizzy, tangy mistake of a beer. “

Haägen and Taurus are guilty of the same crime: false advertising. Haägen tricks you into thinking you're drinking an imported brew, something German, but the reality is it's just a really shitty domestic brew with an “exotic” name. Fuck u Haägen ! Taurus tricks you into thinking you're dealing with a really sensitive and sweet person, but the reality is they are vain, stubborn, sour jerks. I hate “down to earth” people, especially when they aren't actually down to earth in any way at all. Yuck. Hate Taurus, just horrid people. Avoid at all costs.

GEMINI

Double Brown 1/100

“330ml can. Smells like cheap metallic beer. Taste is the same. A truly awful beer.”

Double Trouble. Easily the most terrible thing about Gemini is your “twin” nature.  Twin is a euphemism though, it's actually a Jekyll and Hyde nature isn't it? People start getting to know you and you seem so lovely smart and great, but eventually your true side comes out and ruins everything. Just like a friend on Double Brown. 2 cans in and they're fine, life of the party. At the end of the box they've summoned Satan, puked on your new dress and are now in the corner pashing your lover. Geminis love only one thing and that is themselves. Fickle demons. Get fucked Gemini, I despise you.

CANCER

Monteiths Summer Ale 10/100 CANCER

“Strange beer. I love rata honey, and it is faintly discernable. Sweet, bland, flat and vaguely nauseating brew. I tried to find a redeeming feature, but failed”

Ugh I hate writing about Cancer, because I hate Cancers. This review sums up the Cancer experience perfectly though, “Sweet” sickly. “Bland” absolutely. “Flat” yep. “Nauseating” nothing truer was written. I just can't be bothered with Cancers. It pisses me off so much when someone claims to be a fan of Cancers. Like have you actually ever spoken to one? Do you remember anything they have ever said? No right? All you remember is them sort of smiling their insincere grin and that's it. Cancers are clingy and moody and just plain trash. Nightmare sign. I seriously hate you Cancer.

LEO

Mac's Gold 7/100

“had at some weird burger place in Dublin city centre .. . pale gold .. medium head .. . light mouth .. . hay mostly, maybe some sheep wool .. . rather boring but nothing off putting .. . . a party? ..like a cool kids party?? “

Your mum probably thinks Mac's Gold is a fancy brew and most people would look at a Leo and think they are fancy people. Not me though. I know the truth about Leo. Leo will take you out on a date, wearing something ridiculous like a fur jacket (borrowed from Aunty) and Versace leggings (bootlegs from AliExpress) and they'll offer to buy you a drink. You wait at the table and they prance over to you with a $10 jug of Mac's Gold to share, which you drink out of politeness. Now it's your round and Leo is demanding a negroni and they're hungry too, please order some curly fries (no class). Leo has $23 in their bank account and will drain yours. Fuck off Leo, I hate you and you suck.

VIRGO

Tui 5/100

“Someone should approach the ’brewers’ of this muck at the Tui Brewery and ask them to define ’East India Pale Ale’, because it sure as hell don’t taste like one, and to top it off, it doesn’t even warrant the title ’ale’ or ’beer’ for that matter. What a shocker! Extremely insipid and utter Yuck.”

This review is more Virgo than Tui is Virgo. I would put $100 on the reviewer to be a Virgo. Virgo critique is always over the top. Such finicky little guys. Who cares if it's truly an ale or not? Only a Virgo. God, just calm down Virgo. Im so bored of you guys finding fault in everything. Nothing is good enough for you. If only you'd hold yourself to your lofty standards hey? Virgo is a fastidious little wanker. Get a life, I hate you.

LIBRA

New Zealand Lager 6/100

“Best thing I can say about this is that the can looked pretty good. As for what was in the can well that’s better left unsaid.”

Ahahaha I love this review, it is the perfect summary of Libra. Libras are sexy. I'm attracted to every single one of them, but only in a shallow looks way, because once they open their mouths I realise how utterly inane and stupid they are. Nobody likes a pleaser. If Libra stopped trying to make everyone happy, they'd be the perfect sign probably.  It's not going to happen though. Libra is superficial. I drink New Zealand Lager simply because I like the can, it is really cool and gothic. A fashion can. I socialise with Libras because they are hot and look good on my arm. Libra is such a waste of space, get the hell away from me I hate you.

SCORPIO

Lion Brown 6/100

“A dirty beer brewed for dirty people. Little taste, no head retention, bloody horrible aroma.”

Dirty, devilish Scorpio. There's really nothing to you apart from your sex appeal. Sex sex sex sex sex. SO BORING. Lion Brown is probably the kind of beer you would take a break for. I can imagine Scorpio tying up a lover to their bed then undulating their way to the fridge, taking out a big bottle of the ol' brown then swigging from it thirstly, desperately , erotically, as they watched the lover writhe and squirm, ropes burning at wrists and ankles. They would then spit some of the Lion Brown on their lover's face and cackle while twisting their own nipple. Fucking creeps, I hate you Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS

Flame 2/100

“Let me put it this way. Taste like nothing smells like nothing. But it’s %5.2 very easy drinking. Good beer for students BBQs and people who drinking beer to have a good time. Nice simple watery beer. Nothing interesting but good night on the piss kinda beer. “

Flame is the first beer that ever made me vomit. I sculled 4 back in quick succession behind a white van then teetered my way back into this “grown ups” party and watched two French men with dreadlocks play the fucking acoustic guitar. Maybe it wasn't the beer that made me chuck but the sight of those dreaded white men, but anyway how I felt reeling in that dark room, surrounded by a fog of weed smoke is how I feel when I have to communicate with a Sag: FUCKED UP. I do not understand this sign at all. Of  all the signs cruelty comes easiest to Sagittarius. They are so off hand with their nasty comments too which is a good indicator of them being sociopaths. Please breeders try have reproductive sex only at times that will 100% not result in a Sag baby. We need to eradicate this sign.

CAPRICORN

Ranfurly Draught 2/100

“If you’re living on the bones of your ass and trying to fight off the shakes this will do the trick. Otherwise it should be avoided at all costs. “

What the hell are the traits of a Capricorn? I know everything about astrology yet I know nothing of Capricorn. That is simply because Capricorn is a nothing sign. Ranfurly is in fact too good a brew for Capricorn. This is how you make Capricorn's real brew: Go to a student flat after a big party and gather all the beer bottles that still have a few drips in them. Pour these drips into a glass. Ensure that you find some bottles with cigarette butts in them. The resulting drink is Capricorn's true brew. Capricorn yawn yawn yawn, don't talk to me, I hate you.

AQUARIUS

Boundary Road Chocolate Moose 12/100

“Probably the worst beer I’ve ever had. Like drinking beer flavoured hot chocolate. Too sweet to be taken seriously.”

I am usually very sweet about Aquarius, but I only do that because I know how fragile they are and don't usually take pleasure in making people cry. Here are my true feelings about Aquarius. You are trash. You're inconsistent and irritating. I hate your floaty ways. I hate your dopey, smiling face. I hate you Aquarius. I would never go to a bar and order a beer with a name like, “Chocolate Moose” and I would never desire to have an Aquarius friend. I would rather drink the shitty Chocolate Moose than talk to an Aquarius though, must admit. I hate “friendly” people, I hate humanitarians and I hate you.

PISCES

Steinlager Classic 8/100

“pale golden with small head. slightly skunked due to green bottle. grassy with slight hop. unremarkable lager.”

Pisces you are lucky that I have already roasted the fuck out of the other signs and am now feeling better and can't be bothered harming your spirit too much, because usually I rip on this sign with a ruthless zeal. You're not really worth trying to summon some more negative energy. The only people I have ever seen drink Steinlager were middle aged men in business shirts that had gravy stains on them. I want Pisces in my life as much as I want gravy stained 40 year olds in my life. I fucking hate you.

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SIGNS AS SHITTY FIRST MESSAGES ON GRINDR

~THE SIGNS AS SHITTY FIRST MESSAGES ON UR FAVE APP~

ARIES: i'm hung, whats up?

TAURUS: hey u masc?

GEMINI: top or bottom?

CANCER: will u "XYZ" for $$$?

LEO: can i suck u?

VIRGO: hey are you looking for a daddy ;) ??

LIBRA: mmmm u r so hot

SCORPIO: horny top here, how r u?

SAGITTARIUS:  i've seen u at *insert local gay bar* heaps! whats up?!!

CAPRICORN: ass pic?

AQUARIUS: *dick pic*

PISCES: did you used to be XYZ's bf?

[jerkstrology-blog]

THE SIGNS AS HERBS & SPICES

ARIES

u are cayenne pepper. pretty fiery & hot, but not the hottest guy around by far.

TAURUS

u are cinnamon. oh is grandma in the kitchen? seems so nice & sweet, but try a spoon of it neat.

GEMINI

u are nutmeg. mmm oh so warm and nice in small doses, over do it tho & u have the worst trip of ur life.

CANCER

u are parsley. most people think ur real boring, but like ur still included so go u.

LEO

u are saffron. when someone forks out for saffron they are being a leo. a showoff.

VIRGO

u are the mint family. humdrum & mundane but then there's too much of u & it's all "wtf is this spice!"

LIBRA

u are rose. u look very nice and pretty but who really wants to eat rose flavoured anything?

SCORPIO

u are basil. basil is all over italian cuisine & that's where they do all the sexing right?

SAGITTARIUS

u are rosemary. they say this stuff can enhance ur memory, u need to remember to use some fucking tact.

CAPRICORN

u are mixed spice. all warm and cuddly when u first get it, but by now it's stale at the back of ur shelf.

AQUARIUS

u are marijuana. LOL. Sorry, but it's true & u know it, u little space cadet.

PISCES

u are chamomile. so damn chill. "hey i am pisces, lets go back to mine & relax with a pot of chamomile tea ;P"

[jerkstrology-blog]

LOVESCOPE: 22/2 to 28/2/16

ARIES

ur grappling with the desire to seduce ur friend's crush or partner or whatever. U think u could show them a better time & u prob think they actually secretly want u a lot more than they want ur friend. Idk what the f u should do about this. Maybe suggest a threesome. Or just get over it (& urself)

TAURUS

you've been developing heavy feels for someone who is kind of pathetic & useless all while a far more compatible person has been lingering on the sidelines trying to grab your attention. U will prob continue with the big baby but if u open ur eyes a bit u will see that cutie & double think everything.

GEMINI

u are desperate to find love but ur looking in all the wrong places. Here is an idea, how about u stop looking & instead wait & see what happens? It's weird to meet someone & then decide that u will both fall in love instantly. Stop laying expectations on every little flirt & just relax and go with the flow. ur breaking ur own heart m8.

CANCER

can u please just speak to ur partner/crush/whatev about how u feel? They can't read ur mind and it's  unfair of u to get upset at them for not “getting” u especially when u are smiling at them outwardly but cursing them in ur head. Ur being the annoying one here so open up ur big gob & embrace the power of communication.

LEO

Poor leo. U are making friends all over the place & u want to kiss some of those friends but lately it seems ur just not giving off any “this could go further” vibes. What u have to do is simply bite the bullet & ask someone out. All they can say is “yes” or “no” be prepared for both & u will be fine <3

VIRGO

This week u might feel a bit of jealousy relating to the object of ur affection. Maybe they have been gushing about one of their friend's & how cool they are or maybe one of ur m8s is gonna hang out with them & u weren't invited. Chill the f out & don't be dramatic. Nobody likes a weird control freak & u might just scare ur love away.

LIBRA

U will be thinking of a crush that didn't work out this week :( This will prob absorb u for a while & u won't feel particularly romantic or sexy until the weekend. Suddenly u think, “well that was a bummer, but oh well!” 80% chance of developing new rebound crush on Saturday night. Give the old crush a wave or text & keep them in ur life tho.

SCORPIO

Sometimes when ur with ur current “boo” (lol) u think about ur ex and pine a bit. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That freak was no good for u & this one... they are so cute & smart & nice & sexy. If ur not over the ex by now might I suggest therapy? U scorps are good at ruining everything for yourselves. Come on m8 sort ur shit out.

SAGITTARIUS

U knew this was coming & u know how to prevent it from going wrong so how about u get up put ur boots on and get ur ass into gear? If ur not 100% sold, ask questions. This week the way u interact with the one ur hot on will teach u a lot about yourself. U might find urself acting in a way that grosses u out. Whatevs just go with it.

CAPRICORN

U know exactly what you want from a relationship & that is ur problem. Ur not leaving any space for your partner (or you!) to move. Things going awry or someone not meeting ur expectations isn't a bad thing, u can learn lots from these situations. Learn the art of compromise for more fulfilling & pleasant shared experiences.

AQUARIUS

Don't freak out this week. Ur dealing with a lot of mixed messages & things are getting lost in translation. Breathe. Sit down with ur sweetheart & talk it out. Use a pen and paper if necessary. Get down to the bottom of the mystery with open ears and u will quickly find that there was nothing to worry about!

PISCES

If u are unsure about what the f is going on in ur love life right now please spend some time to work things out. U need to be 100% you're doing the right thing/in the right relationship to be happy. If you're feeling only 50% sure i'd recommend moving on. Ur a Pisces & of all people should know there are plenty of fish in the sea.

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HOW TO TELL IF UR CRUSH IS RECIPROCATED BASED ON THEIR SUN SIGN

ARIES

If you're wondering if your Aries crush likes you back then sorry they probably don't. This lot are very open when it comes to admissions of love/lust/whatever. If they like u, u will simply know. They'll have told u already 100 times or at least it will be ridiculously obvious. Aries are very straight forward and they hate dilly dallying. If you're the one they want they will get the ball rolling immediately. Expect lots of texts and a keen interest in meeting up & organising dates whatever. Straight forward people! Will prob show off in front of you whipping out all sorts of weird party tricks & jokes, making sure your eyes are always on them. May get obviously jealous if they see you having a good time with someone else. If you're still unsure, just ask. They'll be upfront if it's a go or no.

TAURUS

If your Taurus crush cooks something amazing and time consuming for you then u can betcha they love ya. These are people who like to indulge in the good things in life and when they like you they will 100% share with you. Taurus is good at setting a romantic mood so if they invite u over to theirs "to just chill" and there's low lighting and cushions and drapey fabric everywhere and some ambient dance music playing and a bloody cheese platter and red wine, yep this one wants you. Aside from that though it can be hard to tell if they are into you. Taurus likes to take a long time to get to know someone. They're trying to work out if you are worth the hassle. With time though all becomes very apparent. You will probably have to be the one who brings your feelings into the open first and they may need time to process that, but if they come back to you smiling (possibly tipsy) well, mission accomplished.

GEMINI

Gemini may be flirting with you and you may think omg they like me back, but be careful. Look at their next interaction. Oh they are flirting with that person too? Yep, that's a Gemini for you. Naturally charming and flirtatious so flirting with you is not a good enough confirming sign. Gemini is a sign of nervous energy & when they are with their crush this nervousness can become quite apparent. They will talk and talk and talk but about nothing really & will probably say all sorts of strange things. Their nerves compel them to speak and they feel that conversation is a good way to snare u temporarily so they may bask in ur glory. If your Gemini suddenly becomes a nervous wreck or has a personality change (maybe becomes silent/shy) in your company they quite likely want you. 65 - 85% of the time though you will know a Gemini likes you because they invite u to everything & message u lots, but this depends on how many crushes they have on the go.  U could also ask one of their friends, cos everyone else will have the gossip. Gemmy in love can't stop talking about u when ur not around.

CANCER

Hmm this isn't an easy one to call. Cancers are moody and with them u may feel like yesterday u were their favourite person, but today they're ignoring u but ur sure u  did nothing wrong! I'm sure u are in fact still their fave, it's just Cancers are worry warts & maybe are scared that u don't like them back so in a way shut u out for a while. When it feels like they like you though u two are probably eating something really great together, snuggling up watching something, feeling very much at ease in each others presence. Maybe they will read u their fave poem. There will be a lot of fun & quick back and forth chatting. A Cancer who likes you wants you to have a fun time with them so will keep the atmosphere light and silly. This is another of the signs where if you don't know if they like you or not, you're the only one wondering. They will have told everyone around them & will prob be writing a tweet about u right this second. Cancer is a warm & caring sign, if u get a lil papercut they will fuss over you like u lost a finger. If they introduce u to their parents then yep you have them.

LEO

Leo will let you know they like u. They might not simply text u, "ur the one for me x0x0x" but they will show u how they feel. Every time u hang out with Leo they will be trying to outdo the last d8. These are extravagant types & will do anything to ensure ur having the time of your life with them. If you let Leo be in charge and control these dates they are bound to like you even more, they love to be flattered too so dish out the compliments. Make them the centre of ur world. If they like u back you will receive compliments right back. Leo compliments are very genuine & feel very good to receive. They only compliment people they admire so it's a good sign if they're telling u how smart they think u are or how kind u are to those less well off or sexy u r or whatever. Leo will want to see u every day and probably for the majority of the day too. They can become very jealous of u spending time with anyone else & u will see this clearly, it's unhealthy af but a good sign ur their crush.

VIRGO

Super picky Virgo will come to you when they deem u worthy of their time. Not an easy one to chase. These people want their partner to be perfect. If they are giving u the time of day, giving up their time, then u can feel safe and know they are most likely very keen. Once they decide ur the one they become fidgety & nervous in ur presence. Initially anyway. Virgo is a smarty pants intellectual sign so ur dates probably involve long discussions about idk pretty boring things. Tbh this a test. They're checking that u can stimulate them. That ur on to it. It's unlikely that they will open up much to u for quite some time. Let them know they can trust u & if they do end up talking feelings with u that's a good sign they're crushing on u too. Virgo will want to look after u and make sure ur healthy, eating good & happy, so will cook some super food salad, take u on a hike then listen to all your woes and hug u tenderly. They will dote on u but without displaying tooooo much affection. If u really want to know how they feel about u just ask them. They're great communicators.

LIBRA

If Libra likes u they will want to spend a lot of time with u. They are happy to hang in group situations but will make efforts to get u alone. Libra is a very social creature so them wanting to just be with one person a a time & not in a gang is a great sign. Libra will find ways to touch u when they like u, they become very affectionate. Lots of hugs, hand holding, they will lean on ur shoulder. They can be like this with ppl who are just their friends tho so look out for them giving u special treatment. Maybe at the end of the night they gave u a prolonged hug while everyone else just got a quick squeeze. Libra might like u but can take a very long time to make their mind up so patience is key here. It's possible that they will have even told u that they're into you but they're still not making the next move or maybe have distanced themselves from u. Show Libra that u rule & are worth it. They will appreciate the display of confidence. These guys can play hard to get, but stick with. A Libra who wants u will dress very well when they think they might see u.

SCORPIO

When Scorpio likes you the world revolves around u. Ur the one they will message first if they think up something fun to do. In a group they will ignore everyone else and just chat chat chat to u. They will wake up & think of u so send u a text. But they never straight out tell u how they feel. They prefer to work u out first. If they think u feel the same way, then they divulge. If they appear interested in u then they prob are. These Scorpios don't fake interest. They only bother with those they truly want to be around. Sometimes u will look up and ur Scorpio crush will just be looking at u. They don't even look away when u catch them. Just eye contact. Tbh they are prob thinking 'wow i could just eat them up' Sometimes you think your Scorpio crush fucking hates you, they can be quite rude and hostile to u & say cruel things u know they don't say to other people. Forgive them tho, they don't mean it and in fact like u a lot & just aren't dealing with it very well yet.

SAGITTARIUS

When this lot like someone they try very hard to get their attention. If they see ur online they will quickly send u a message. The way a Sag crushes is pretty playground actually. Like they will show off to you & try and make u laugh by pulling faces & shit. Very playful. Sagittarius is an honest and open sign. They are likely to just tell you they like u. Especially if u seem sort of clueless about it.  In the same way though, if they don't like u they will also let uknow. When around you a Sag will just smile and appear delighted if they're crushing on u. If they're up to something awesome & fun they are bound to invite u along. It's pretty easy to tell with a Sagittarius, they don't play games & are very straight foward. So if it seems good it most likely is.

CAPRICORN

If ur hanging out with one of their best buds & they are complaining that they haven't text back but ur phone is vibrating non stop with messages from them, well they most def like u. When u get on a Capricorn's radar, they will try and find out as much about u as possible. So when u hang out and they know u have 3 brothers and went to Steiner school but u never told them that don't be shocked. Them admitting they know this info is a way of them telling u they are interested in u & ur life. They can treat u a bit hot and cold, & that stems from a fear of getting hurt. If u can prove urself trustworthy, Capricorn will tell u all of their secrets. And when u start feeling a bit like their private diary u can be 100% sure it's a match.

AQUARIUS

U two will have to be good friends already. Aquarians view the friendship element of a romantic pairing to be the most important. So you're friends and u already know they like u as such. How to work out if they potentially want to do pashing with u? Well, suddenly they will be more interested in the mundane aspects of ur life than ever. In the past a story of u forgetting to put the teabag into cup before u poured the kettle would have bored them to death. But now, they've never heard anything funnier. When Aqua is hot on u you become the funniest most interesting person in the world. Now you're off to dinner at theirs expecting the whole gang to be around, but it's just u and them. And there are candles on the table. Aqua can be romantic in a very cheesy way. How endearing! Best sign is that you have long long conversations that go well into the early hours & they just never get bored of what u have to say.

PISCES

Lol Pisces will prob be writing u a long love poem right now but most likely never give it to u. If u do receive a love poem, or maybe a brief but totally cute note then chances are u make them feel all mad butterflies and likely heart achy love sick. Pisces will incorporate u into their art when they like u. Maybe write songs about u (for u), send u long letters or draw silly pictures for u. Creativity is very important to them & so when they include u in this work it's a given that they think u are important too. These cuties will give u so much time and affection when they like you. They will let u know that they are always here for u. They will let u in on all their deepest thoughts & feelings and describe in detail all their wildest dreams. With a Pisces u will prob see their affection for u in their eyes. Tho it may be clear they like u this sign wants a confirmation that it's reciprocated before plunging in any deeper. So go ahead, let them know!

[jerkstrology-blog]

Btw babes, ur fuckin dumb if u believe any of this astrology shit I write 😚 xoxoxxo - Lorcán

[jerkstrology-blog]

THE AIR SIGNS AS NEW ZEALAND PARROTS

Okay Geminis are clearly Keas. Curious, cheeky, cute and tbh pretty annoying. Keas like Geminis are social creatures. They hang out in gangs, terrorising tourists and vandalising property. They also have a hidden evil side and attack and kill sheep, prob just cos they were bored.

Libra has to be the Kaka. The Kaka is the more chill and polite version of the Kea. These birds can be boisterous and yell at you, but will generally sit sweetly and wait for you to give them a cashew nut or something, then squawk a thanks and swoop off.

Aquarius is the Kakapo. They are the world's strangest parrot and Aquarius is the strangest of the air signs. These parrots are the only flightless parrots and the biggest in the world too. Aquarius though energetic and friendly leaves the flitting and swooping to Gemini and Libra. They're more chilled out & likely to be plumper than the other air signs.

SQUAWK

[jerkstrology-blog]

WHAT THE SIGNS ARE LIKE WHEN DRUNK

ARIES

lol u party animal. Ur competitive streak makes u want to drink everyone under the table, but generally you're not as good at booze as u like to think u are. If u notice that a friend seems a bit too sober u will be the first to buy them a drink and another til they've caught up. When u have had too much u start looking really gross. Sweaty and disheveled. Yuck! Fix up in the bathroom often. You also start speaking way too loud and right into people's ears. But when ur just at the tipsy stage ur a very good flirt & could prob pash anyone you wanted. If u have something u want to say to someone u will prob do it when drunk even if it's mean & will then forget u said it by morning. This can sometimes lead to u getting into dumb arguments, once you're pissed off u remain so til u pass out. You dance (even tho u can't) & make awful requests to the DJ. Other than that though ur a good drunk, silly, funny and ur friends can depend on u to not abandon them 7/10

Your Drink: 2 for 1 anything (have both to yourself)

TAURUS

u prefer to get drunk in the company of just one or two others. A lover or your best buds. Ur best in a little bar with atmospheric lighting and velvet and shit with low, pleasant background music. Maybe some freak tinkling away on a piano at the back of the place. U initially are quite happy to spend lots on strong & delicious cocktails and sip at them slowly letting out little moans of delight. Your friends start running out of $$$ tho so u end up at some dive. By midnight ur knocking back pints of shitty lager and singing Rihanna & ur friends are a bit freaked out. U laugh at apparently nothing and then scowl when ur asked what's funny. Oh no, now u are on the table gyrating ur hips! Nobody has ever seen u like this before. You've put on The Smiths at the jukebox & ur singing every lyric while looking into a stranger's eyes, making them uncomfortable. “Oh lighten up everyone!” U think to urself. Then say it out loud with a maniacal laugh. Taurus lets loose on the piss ae? It's pretty cool. The night ends with u dragging ur small crew to a karaoke bar, ur the only one who gets kicked out...u argue with the uber driver on the way home about the quickest route, you're wrong and u know it but ur a stubborn lil shit. You wake up to texts that read “r u ok???? <3”

Your Drink: cosmopolitan lol

GEMINI

It's near impossible to tell when ur drunk. U don't really change. Like u kinda seem like ur drunk all the time. We all get a bit chatty when we are on it, but a good way to spot a drunken gemmy is that they will be telling all their secrets to someone they just met and the person they're revealing to won't be a getting a word in edgeways. Later in the night u will tell ur m8 that u are in love with that stranger now. They are so dreamy!!! Oh wait u are also in love with that babe in the corner (the one u have never spoken to or seen before in ur life) and the one standing by the kitchen sink (the one ur long term obsessed with.) Lucky for gemini, you are real good smooth talkers & dole out good compliments so will likely get your pash on. If u can be bothered, that is. U will prob lose interest in everyone u speak to after 5 seconds and move on to the next face. A weird boozed gemini trait is that at a party u sometimes want to avoid ur close friends & only hang with strangers. Don't be a dick. Gemini likes everyone to be involved & always needs something to do so will likely suggest a drinking game – one where u get to use ur quick mind & communicative skills or one where u might get to pash one of those crushes.

Your Drink: beer (heaps of it)

CANCER

Cancer is best off getting trashed at home while hosting an event be it small drinks or a big house party. This is for a few reasons. One being that u can be 99% sure that an evil ex or old enemy won't be invited & if they do it will be perfectly acceptable to ask them to leave (have someone do it for u.) Booze at first relaxes cancer & eases off a lot of ur anxieties, but one glass too many and ur weepy and just need a good friend to sneak off to ur room with u for a cuddle and a little wah wah. If u bring an air sign along (cancer needs their light sense of humour) and a bottle of bubbles u will soon feel much better and will be back out to the party, adjusting the lighting and ensuring everyone has a drink. Soon u will put on some sentimental, crooning song & u will smile and sway with ur arms spread out even when all the guests have left. DO NOT TEXT ANYONE ONCE U HAVE HAD 3+ DRINKS. U go to bed happy, but wake up devastatingly sad.

Your Drink: Red wine for sure

LEO

Leo sort of becomes a gemini when drunk as in u don't shut the f up. But where gemini keeps their chatter inane and inoffensive u just say whatever comes to mind. U have hated ur friend's partner for some time now? They're gonna know all about it soon. Leo is a conscious drunk tho, ur fully aware of how much u have had to drink (u count standards) but ur also aware that maybe ur being a mean trashsack.  It doesn't really matter tho cos a drunk leo will get away with murder tbh. Everyone loves them. The rest of us see you owning the dancefloor and we want to come dance right next to you. U allow all sorts of freaks to dance with u so long as they keep ur champagne glass full. If u find urself not being the centre of attention u will do anything to get the eyes on you. Leo has no limit when it comes to being outrageous. Maybe u will take ur shirt off, shout the entire bar a round, maybe u will snatch the karaoke mic off someone mid song and take over, maybe u will fake a heart attack on the dance floor. No limits.

Your Drink: Champers or bubbles (match ur budget)

VIRGO

Virgo doesn't really ever want to go out to parties or bars & clubs, but u do want to have a good talk and a good drink with some good friends. So u invite around a few pals & are surprised anyone comes tbh it being a Saturday night after all. You have selected some fine wines and a bottle of expensive whisky to share with the crowd. U know heaps about booze & let ur m8s know it. “This whisky was distilled with water from a stream only virgins may bathe in” u tell them. Ur good company tho, very smart and interesting and quite a good listener. When ur pals get a bit rowdy & realise that they are up for a dance u initially cant think of anything worse, but after a few more whiskys ur perspective changes & partying sounds awesome! When u arrive at da club u change ur mind once again & have to quickly get to the bar. Alas they have nothing u like. U settle for a beer & then just keep drinking and drinking the rest of the night cos for sure the only way u could enjoy this is if u are trashed. Soon tho u begin to have a lot of fun. More than anyone else around. Every song is “your song” and every stranger is “cool.” U make it home in one piece smiling away, stoked. In the morning tho u will vow 2 never do that shit again.

Your Drink: 12 year scotch

LIBRA

Of all the signs libra is the most likely to be able to go to a club or party alone and make some new best friends almost instantly. You're a generous & charming drunk. U very rarely get mean & obnoxious. People are drawn to u & u love it. At a party u will prob have a lil chat with everyone there, just checking in that everyone is having a good time “do u want a sip of my drink?” Cute. But then u get too drunk and u lose urself a bit. That person u like but know that u shouldn't go there? U have them cornered, whispering into their ear, batting ur eyelashes. Oh no, their partner (ur best friend) is watching from across the room. That's ok u snap out of it before doing something u will regret & bounce on to a more appropriate love match. Now ur hugging everyone even the bartenders. Ur doing a sexy dance on that boy that's in love with u. U wink & flit away.  Now ur requesting a big party anthem, the dj obliges u & everyone is going mad on the dance floor & the cutest babe ever is strutting over to u even tho u lost a shoe & ur hair is wet with sweat. Ur the winner of this night, but ur best friend is gonna h8 u for a while.

Your drink: A big jug of sangria 2 share with everyone

SCORPIO

Scorpio u are very good at handling ur drinks. U prob drink more than all ur friends but are still the one sober enough to call the taxi with one hand & hold a friend's hair back while they puke with the other. If someone says 2 u “wow u've already drank a whole bottle of wine, maybe slow down??” U will laugh at them and open another. U like to drink and will continue going until the bar runs dry or one of ur less “capable” friends (a libra probz) needs taking home. One thing a scorpio really likes is to drink with someone they don't know very well yet. By the end of the night u will know everything about them, cos each drink u pour for them has them revealing another secret. U are very good at getting people 2 be open, you personally don't give much away tho unless asked directly. Even then u skimp on the juiciest antidotes. Because ur so damn in control when drunk u pretty much never embarrass yourself. Soon u get bored of manipulating secrets and gossip out of quickly sloppy acquaintances & scan the scene for someone to take home. U reel someone in quickly & leave with them without saying bye to ur friends. Scorpio gets laid at 99% of drinking events.

Your drink: Whole bottle of vodka tbh

SAGITTARIUS

People who don't like u or think ur boring just need to get drunk with u. U are a barrel of laughs and should be on top of everyone's invite list. Tho sag can be a cruel dude the booze generally chills u out still it's likely u will blurt out a few too honest opinions, u just can't help yourself. Great for drunken conversations in toilet lines. Or anywhere. The most likely of all the signs to get bored of a scene quickly & want to move on. Sometimes ur convincing enough to get the gang to follow u to the next party, but more often u end up having to stay at least another hour. U get over it & create some excitement of your own. You have a shot. Dance with an old flame. Spread a weird rumour. Wingman for a friend, get another friend to wingman for you. Steal a few drinks. Sag doesn’t give many fucks tbh. U can become a nostalgic & sentimental drunk, but u don’t get upset at least not in public. U save the heavy drunk emotions for bedtime. Often u know just about everyone at the party and can find it hard to work out who will be the most fun to play with. Catch up with a naughty & ridiculous leo if u want to go completely nuts.

Your drink: hmm something unusual maybe some soju or something

CAPRICORN

Classic capricorn move is to say “i'm still not drunk” even though u are trashed then somehow convince someone to give u more booze. You are even better than gemini at this. It's like ur super power. Funny thing is, is that before u even start drinking u work out exactly what u need (how many standard drinks) to have a good time and buy accordingly, but it's never enough .Well actually it is but once ur on it u don't know how to get off it. When alcohol is suggested ur usually keen even if u say ur not & end up stumbling into bed at 3am waking with a bad bad hangover & making oaths to never drink again. Lol whatevz m8. U love it. Certain drinking situations are better suited to u but u make do with any circumstance. In a room of strangers u blend in & nobody wonders who the fuck u are. U kinda just belong everywhere with ur lil bottle of scrumpy clutched to ur heart. Cap is a good friend when drunk. Ur open to anyone coming and having a d&m & maybe u will race them around the corner so they can have a cry without anyone seeing. Avoid people u think are trash & u will be a very happy drunk.

Your drink: scrumpy

AQUARIUS

AHAHA, what a goofball. U are really weird when drunk. All of your expressions and movements become super exaggerated. When people are just telling u something mundane like they missed the bus today, you furrow ur brow and squint your eyes rubbing ur chin all serious and “hmmmm yes. Wowww.” Ur a good guy to have around tho, u will never make urself a drink without making one for everyone else too. So ur friends can lie back & relax while u prance towards the kitchen & fuss around burning off some of that airy energy. That's chill & very sweet. U become a lil psychic when drunk. Like u somehow know exactly how ur friends are feeling without them saying anything. U take them aside & give them lots of advice. They don't want advice atm but they appreciate the gesture and u get a big hug. Which sends u into a loved out spiral. Everyone that means anything to u gets a shower of ur attention, hugs, kisses, compliments. “U mean sooooo much to me & u are so strong & brave, I just love u.” This can be overwhelming for others but mostly it is very cute. Sometimes u end up crying and u have no idea why. Booze just swells u up with feels!

Your drink: G&T

PISCES

U can be a very good drunk or a very bad drunk. This all depends on how u were feeling before u started drinking. Cos if u were in a bad mood ur gonna stay that way no matter how much u drink. The drink makes u looser and lighter (as it does for all) but ur fishy brain just wont let the bad mood go. When a bad drunk, u can be damned hostile. Completely unapproachable. U sneer & heckle & hiss. Scary. When a good drunk tho, ur light hearted and open to trying new things & finding people to chat with who share your interests. Pisces are intellectual & they know it so can be a bit showy off in conversation but if u ask questions and open ur ears people wont want to stop talking to u. Good or bad mood, pisces more often than not goes too far & just has far too much to drink. Seriously at risk of being the town lush. You fall over a lot when u have had too much, waking up with mysterious injuries and periods of the night where u simply can not remember a thing. Pisces needs to be aware of this issue, they have one of the more addictive personalities of the zodiac. U should always drink with people u trust will take care of u when ur far gone.

Your drink: a good white wine x0x0x

[jerkstrology-blog]

Are u Trash or a Freak?

The Trash Crew

aries, taurus, cancer, virgo, sagittarius, capricorn

The Bunch of Freaks

gemini, leo, libra, scorpio, aquarius, pisces

[jerkstrology-blog]

LOVING A GEMINI (/ME)

ARIES

Gem and aries are so funny and annoying together. Like they fight all the time but are deeply in love and everyone is freaked out by them and they whisper to each other “how on earth haven't they broken up already?!” Good pairing imo. “Passionate” even. Gemini learns lots from u like how to just be a chill guy and get through their to do list etc. Gem's ease in social situations rubs off on u and u thrive. Ur the funniest person they've met. Main issue is that ur pretty set in your ways, but gemini is seeking change at all times. Fickle gemini breaks ur heart in the end, you take them to a big NYE bash and some Lothario smooth talks them into their strong arms and they slip off downstairs together for a big pash. Gemini says, “ooops!” U say “it's over.”

TAURUS

Instant attraction with a very long courting period, though you guys are completely incompatible. You have nothing in common, yet seemingly don't give a damn & try try try work things out. Compromises galore. Dead ends aplenty. Basically gemini freaks u out. U can't understand how they can be such a spendthrift, so rushed in their decision making, impulsive, wired.  A lot of the time u simply bore gemini. They spend a lot of energy trying to think of fun things for yall to do but u r rarely interested & they give up and become lifeless. U move so slow & gemini has zero patience. If u can encourage gemini to move to some little cottage with u in the middle of nowhere u 2 could be happy. Gemini is way less irritating when they aren't overwhelmed with lights, sounds, information, technology etc etc. The countryside should force them to chill out and focus on one thing at a time. Make the thing they focus on you & u 2 will be great. If not tho...you simply break up & never speak again.

GEMINI

When 2 geminis come together there are actually 4 separate nutters all vying to be the centre of attention. Twin on twin is full on but really fun. They don't ever shut up. Just chat chat chat blah blah blah, debate, joke, long winded story, joke, witty jab, blah, jabber, brief argument, boring dream story, hahahaha, joke, insult, compliment and so on forever. The issue is though, that geminis are only listening half the time. You're speaking to your sweetheart but they are actually thinking about that really good toasted sandwich they had for lunch when they were 8 years old up a tree in grandma's garden & how they wish they still had those little boots, the cute ones with a panda embroidered on the side. I'm not kidding. Main arguments will be where u say “i told u yesterday!” and they say “ooops I didn't hear u.” The other reason they weren't listening is cos when u were talking they were just looking at ur lips wanting 2 pash them, which is surprising cos you actually have very little sexual chemistry. You bone cos you guys feel u ought to but it's pretty passionless. One of you is bound to cheat on the other out of boredom wah wah.

CANCER

Alright, let's talk sex. U call it love making. To gemini it's an intellectual pursuit. They're really more interested in the idea of it rather than the actual act. Ur putting candles around the bath tub, slipping into ur sex outfit, bedroom eying them & they love it, but then ur in bed and they just want to talk about that real funny tweet they read. “It was a Cher tweet, u know how funny she is!!!” “Wtf gemini!” u say squirming. Finally u get to it & it's real cool, but ur truly looking for a romantic type. It annoys u. Sometimes u cry afterwards & gemini gets real detached and scared. Gemini is a little out of touch with the emotional world & would rather simply change the topic. “Ur crying? Oh look there's a moth flitting about the lamp!” U can help gemmy understand their feelings better & show them to be more empathetic. You also provide gemini with much needed stability.  But ultimately gemini's nature simply makes u jealous and insecure. You will never fully trust them. This won't work out...

LEO

Hahahaha! You two are so silly & outrageous together. The class clown & the party monster making out all over the place. Gem and Leo are the gods of cheering each other up and on. When gemini is with u they need nothing else to entertain them. U pulling a goofy face has them in stitches writhing around on the floor. Gemini starts one of their hour long ranting stories (u know the ones were they put voices on for all the characters & sing then at the end u realise it was a non story & they just needed to talk for a bit?) & lean ur chin on your fist & listen to every word mesmerized,  smiling with ur entire face. You two are best friends that's for sure. Is that enough to have a convincing & lasting love affair tho? Prob not. Fire needs air, but air doesn't need fire. Gemini simply never relies on you or acts helpless and that pisses u off. Also gemini (innocently!) flirts too much and suddenly ur this big jealous asshole. Ugh! Out of the blue u dump gemini & u see them cry for the first time ever. It's all okay tho, you two remain the best of friends.

VIRGO

So you're both ruled by mercury & that's prob all you have in common. Kidding. You get along just fine. Like two students forced to make small talk at the start of the first lecture. Lol. This is a relationship that needs lots of hard work. Nothing is natural. Ur bestfriend asks u what ur new lover is like and u ponder for a bit then say “zany.” Your way of life is completely different. Gemini likes to be impulsive and say yes to anything. You love order. Routine. Getting to bed before 11pm. Positively, gemini loves to learn & ur a fact book. Spout information & they will sponge it up. Be careful of this tho, gem will believe every word u say so make sure not to feed them misinformation cos when they finally work out u were wrong they will judge u. You r both very good at talking (that's ur shared mercury) & I know it's obvious but if u 2 have an issue just chat it out. Calmly! Maybe if you never lived together and only saw each other now and again u guys would become a really hot, intellectual, solid couple, but ultimately you'll just give up and everything will fizzle out, no one to blame.

LIBRA

This is the combo that is meant to last, you are each other's most compatible sign. Gemini thinks ur dead hot and pashing u quickly becomes their fave activity. You think of each other all the time & ur always talking about each other & everyone thinks it's gross, but they're just jealous tbh. One prob, libra is so idealistic. U r always secretely waiting for a better option, which may never come around & u might stay with gemini forever, but ur still waiting waiting & it's damaging. Gemini is an on to it person & knows exactly what ur up to. They have secret bathroom cries about it. People like you two as a couple, you're always getting dinner invites etc etc. You're a fun and charming pairing. Another issue for you two is that you can be prone to bad communication. Generally gemini is very straight forward and open with u but sometimes they are terrified to tell u how they feel and go into avoidance mode. Sometimes u would rather not know anyway cos things could get heated & u H8 to fight. Positively tho your sex is real real cool and good and hot. I don't know why you'd break up but if u did u can betcha it will be devastating for both.

SCORPIO

You drive gemini crazy and they love it. They drive u mad & ur back for more. You're two freaks u & gemmy. It's really unlikely that you will ever work each other out. Ur real intense and demand a lot of gemini's time, that bugs them. Geminis need freedom. If you two were sown together u would be ok with that. Weird! Give them space & u will reap the benefits. They will suddenly love u a lot more. U r convinced that they are sort of cold hearted & that they act emotionless. In reality u r just really passionate and emotive thus in comparison gemini seems very aloof. You're equals in bed though. Same intensity. You work very well together when undressing etc. It's ridiculous how often you have fights. A lot of the time gemini has no idea what ur even fighting about and you refuse to accept that. Stupid gemini! This will be a whirlwind relationship, over as soon as it started, but 2 years down the line u will bump into each other at a mutual's bday party, ditch it together and do a sex act or 2 then try things out again. Cycle repeats.

SAGITTARIUS

You two like doing stuff. Together. You could go to ur dentist appointment alone, but it's more fun if your gem baby comes too. U want to experience the same things, see the same shit. If you're not together you're snapchatting, texting whatever. Similar sense of humour, though u can get a bit dark, a bit too real. U like gemini's changeability, their adaptiveness. U want everything fresh and new & they can provide that. Tho u seek new experiences, one a day is enough and their scattered interests and energies can piss u off. If u can get them focused then you'll will be sweet. If not u will tire of gemini quickly. If gemini is being a restless freak just start bossing them around. They need it. If they won't stop talking just kiss them. U fight infrequently. This could be because neither of u really think it's worth it. Lacking trust. U could be really great together, but u both over think things. Gemini is (supposedly) a dirty talker, it surprises u how into that u are. One day they randomly ask u to marry them (since when was gem into marriage?) u say yes (since when were u into marriage?) who knows what happens from there.

CAPRICORN

Hmmmmmm. How did u even end up together? Have u been constantly drunk since u met? Freaky, explosive sex at first then u both forget what sex is & just get stoned & watch trashy films every night.  I guess because u are so different that keeps things exciting? Or just weird. You're both into weird shit. You also both go on cruise control at times. Nah I'm being negative. You have fun. Yall can be really silly in fact. Gemini appreciates your astute observations. You make them see the world in a different way. They're into that. Gemini breaks out of gemini mode and properly listens to you when you need it. You two are okay. Just weird. Nobody would have picked u for a couple. In fact strangers think you're siblings more often than lovers. Gross! Gemini is too wild for u. Ur up for a party every now and again, but u can't keep up with gemini's 'every day is a party day' attitude. They wear u out fast. If this were to work you'd both have to change a lot, which is unlikely to happen. One day u think to yourself, “i wonder what gemini is up to” then realise u haven't seen them in three weeks. It's over.

AQUARIUS

You two are full of beans. Hyperactive, bouncing off each other. U do a lot of things, but get nothing done. It's not a big deal tho cos u both thrive living like this. So happy together. Two social butterflies, u have many many friends. Ur best friends pre-relationship become their new bestfriends and vice versa. You are both happiest surrounded by people & will find that u don't get a lot of couple time together. U have to pen in special d8 time & find places where it's just you and them if u want to grow together. Sometimes ur having this really lovely time together then u turn around for a sec & when u turn back gemini is gone without warning. U don't care tho. U get it. Ur just as flighty. Both should feel free to take a month long holiday without taking the other along. Don't feel needy. Never demand each other's attention, but don't let yourselves drift apart. Get into nature together. Play hide and seek. Act like big kids, it's fine & great. Air + Air is meant to be. Get urselves a libra puppy & u will be flawless power couple. U guys will last years and years so long as neither of u grows up or begins to take themselves  seriously.

PISCES

Do not let gemini make all the rules. They will prob only expect u to abide by them anyway while they're off living their carefree (selfish) gemini life. Traditionally a bad pairing, but like anything with a bit of perseverance it can work. U will find that the longer u stick together the more harmonious the relationship becomes. Don't let them get away with murder. They get used to it & their behaviour gets worse. If u want this to work u will have to grow some thick skin cos gemini's sharp tongue cuts u deep. They don't think things through and spurt out all sorts of horribly insensitive comments that they view as being “not even that bad.” This is one of those relationships where u probably should have only ever been friends. Or creative partners. You find it very hard to communicate ur feelings & gemini hides theirs. Dangerous. A good thing though, ur both super adaptable & u will do ur best to try and “get” one another. As hard as things may get, neither of u are willing to let it die & whip on ur surgical gloves & sow the pieces back together. You will break up eventually & it will be five years after you should have.

[jerkstrology-blog]

Reblog from main tumblr 😉

ASHTROLOGY

[jerkstrology-blog]

~U AT UR WORST~

ARIES

omg do you love to argue or what? it's real annoying, nobody wants to fight u esp when ur so convinced ur right. Yuck. damn ram ur also prone to thinking ur the cat's pyjamas. ur not. stop bossing everyone around. if you want things done to ur standards do them yourself. everyone is tired of ur volcanic temper seriously just relax & stop expecting everyone to clean up after you.

TAURUS

u spend all of ur money on gourmet food & 500000 thread sheets & shit like that and then talk about it heaps. ughh so dull m8. stop lounging around, stop hoarding useless trash & get out of the bloody house. did you know that other people have feelings too? chill out a bit, go easier on people & stop being a stick in the mud.

GEMINI

gemini you big phoney. "look @ me I am so friendly and fun!" whatevz we all know u are actually a big meanie & the fact that u pretend to be oblivious to it drives everyone mad. that silver tongue of urs is a weapon be more cautious of this! Quit gossiping so much, find a hobby and make up ur mind already.

CANCER

where is cancer? oh there they r in the corner brooding again. ugh! ur always upset tbh it's really draining. the milk didn't go off just to spite u. that's ludicrous. oh u r suspicious one of ur flatmates replaced ur new milk with their old milk? come on cancer wtf. u should trust ur friends and family more, they love u.

LEO

leo y even ask me what i want 2 do when u have already decided 4 us? sometimes u come across as a big baby, "give! i want! now!" u love to be outrageous but ur overdoing it & it's annoying as fuck. as brash as u r tho ur ego can be weak from time to time so u should spend more time taking care of urself and less trying to impress people.

VIRGO

ur very judgemental and a fuss pot. people tip toe around u. is that what u want? y must everything be done in the way that u would do it? u say ur an open minded person but u hold everyone to these lofty standards and it sux. just let us be. ur passive aggressive & u think ur fury is masked but we can all see the toddler version of u stamping their boots and yelling all over ur face.

LIBRA

u lead people down paths cos u don't want 2 upset them and it's not cute. what happens at the end of the path libra? oh u hurt someone again. u like to be surrounded by beautiful things & people but what good are they doing u? dig deeper. ugh ur so charming and affable u make us feel good but then we see u pulling the same trick to the next cute face. ugh! bad libra!

SCORPIO

scorpio just needs a string of words to scare anyone off tbh: ur manipulative, jealous, deceitful, resentful, secretive, vindictive. r u afraid? it's best not to cross a scorpio. scorp u gotta stop trying to control ppl. let them feel how they feel, u can't change them. its ok to feel mad at someone just don’t do it 4 2 long, ur not strong enuf for the negative life.

SAGITTARIUS

u have no tact whatsoever. that's y people keep on crying after u open ur "witty" gob. i think u actually like 2 say rude insensitive things & make ppl cry. glad i don't know many of u freaks. ur standards r very high, it's funny cos u expect ppl to meet the standards when u urself don’t even come close. wtf is up with that?

CAPRICORN

u have to get out more & meet new ppl. ur always with the exact same ppl & there is way more out there for u. like ur friends r cool but u need some variety in ur life. change shit up. we know ur not satisfied with ur gang anyway - r u ever satisfied?! a tip 4 u is to stop being so critical of everyone cos it's gonna come back 2 u & cappies H8 to b criticised.

AQUARIUS

omg aquarius u r soooo random!!! at least u want to seem that way. in truth ur a dullard living in this space world & nobody gets u. we cant relate. ur the hippy of the zodiac & that hippy shit is out of fashion. get ur head outta the clouds. by the way i know ur secret - ur overly jealous and all muddled up on the inside. put down the kombucha!

PISCES

u can spot a pisces cos they are always running away, sorry tho fishies when shit hits the fan it's best to just deal with it. no escaping. i guess tho it is hard to be assertive & work stuff out when ur self esteem is so low. don't take everything to heart. people just say stuff in jest or impulsively don't let it get to u.