jane-does-ramblings

[jane-does-ramblings]

i hate working i hate dating i hate tasks. what about pillow and blanky time

[jane-does-ramblings]

anyway, shoutout to christian trans people struggling with the holidays and finding their place within their religion, especially with the political state in the us right now. god’s love is more important than any church member’s and you’re important to Him

[jane-does-ramblings]

[jane-does-ramblings]

people that reply to all parts of your message >>>>

[jane-does-ramblings]

December

December wears her hair down,

long and thick

over her shoulders and

down her back.

She looks at me,

those hollow eyes

trying to smile in her foggy morning way.

The clouds cling to her,

leaves scuddering out before her.

She hunches like a snow drift,

bare arm branches down to

her clenched white knuckles.

She shivers before looking back

over a cold shoulder.

And I find her more beautiful

the longer I hold her gaze.

But in an instant, she is gone.

A chilling wind

and a heavy hangover are all that's left

of December's

Last goodbye.

[jane-does-ramblings]

untitled I

I will never be

Something you can hold

Won’t let myself grow

Old with you

And I will never be

The daughter that you wanted

Will never be some-

One you listen to

And as the breeze grows cold tonight

The redness of my eyes aches

For storytelling

A book of poems we shared

And as the wind howls low

Like the wolves outside tonight

It becomes so apparent

You don’t want to be

Saved

So stay right here

Stay right where you are

And I will try

Anyway

You can never fix everything you did

Won’t let the drink go down so smooth

And you will never be the mother that I needed

Only the one I had to learn to soothe

And as the snow blows cold tonight

The bruises on your spine

Ache

For brushing through my hair

And as the wind sweeps away

Everything I’ve ever known

It becomes like a shining light

You don’t want to be saved

So stay right here

Stay right where you are

Let me try anyway

And when you don’t accept the love I have

The love I have to give

Let me leave knowing all along

I’ll be right back to stay

[jane-does-ramblings]

my love and the moon

when we again find ourselves lost

but still found

floating and grounded

you’ll be looking at the moon

the glow will hit your cheekbones

you’ll look at me, and look away

back to the moon

you’ll say it’s so beautiful

and I’ll agree

I’ll agree it’s glowing

it’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve laid eyes upon

the most important earthly being

I’ll tell you i think it’s breathtaking too

and the whole time I’ll be looking at you

[jane-does-ramblings]

Ada Limón, "Accident Report in the Tall, Tall Weeds" // SouthFloridaReporter.com // Wikipedia, "Baking Powder" // Caroline McCaughey (AARP), "8 Big Inventions Inspired by Love" // Wikipedia, "Band-Aid" // Jim Walsh, "What's the love story behind Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers?" // NYFA, "The History of Drive-In Movie Theaters" // Caroline McCaughey, ibid. // Sarah Ruhl, The Clean House

[jane-does-ramblings]

my lover

my lover

i have crossed rivers to be in your arms

i have moved mountains to bury my head into your neck, to take in your scent

to listen to shitty indie music at 2am in your bed

to be asleep ten minutes later

i have stepped so far outside my comfort zone im not sure where it was to begin with

but if there’s one thing ive learned, one thing you’ve taught me, it’s that it was never comfortable

you showed me that maybe

just maybe

it’s not nice to hurt that way

it’s nice to heal

and so we heal

[jane-does-ramblings]

ruined

i would let anything ruin me

if it meant i was once pure

once clean

and once enough to ruin

[jane-does-ramblings]

open letter to the previous lover

I live to see

your life through a screen 

the shimmering sheen

of beauty untouched 

alice my dear

its beautiful here

but its nothing like you

and the way that you look 

you loved him i know 

and im letting it go 

but its hard not to look

at you and see

every pain

and every pinch

every inch

of you i cant be 

its hard to be living

and eating and dying

and i see you

im crying 

at all that you are

theres no one like alice 

the way you have status

owning my psyche 

is quite bizarre

i was the other

while being the lover 

ill never be

in the place that you were

but really im happy 

you dont even know me 

you cant even tell 

youre my wish on a star

[jane-does-ramblings]

my mother is an iron lung

my mother is an iron lung

keeping me alive

painfully

and for too long

far past my expiration with her

she restrains me

im still and im so still and the stillness is not enough

"move!" she demands my attention

she demands my obedience

but i cant move

and she is keeping me still

my mother is an iron lung

i sit alone within her grasp

pretty girl, bad daughter

good at talking, bad at being good

i scream and i cry

and the noise is not enough

im quiet and i sit alone

and the silence is not enough

my mother is an iron lung

im sorry and im sorry and im so sorry

and the apology is not enough

im bleeding and im breaking and the brokenness falls short of her expectations for me

i am unfinished

i am only artificially alive

living for my iron lung