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Destiny Beliefs vs. Growth Beliefs in Relationships

Mainly in North American culture, people have this idea that a relationship is based on several beliefs that make two people perfect for each other. Destiny beliefs include: 

Mind reading is essential.

Sex should always be perfect.

The idea that women are from venus and men are from mars.

A relationship that is meant to be will just happen. 

Disagreements should not happen and are destructive.

There is no room for growing - partners cannot change.

These ideas of what the perfect relationship should be can be seen in movies about romance and endless love. Instead, a couple should focus on beliefs that are more realistic for a real-life relationship, called growth beliefs. Growth beliefs are:

A good relationship takes time to develop and develops gradually.

Any relationship can succeed with enough effort from both sides of a couple.

Disagreements do exist and every obstacle should be overcome by work from both partners. 

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Who is Better Off: Arranged or Love Marriages?

What happens in Love Marriages?

Couples who get married because they are in love begin their marriage with high levels of romantic love. Contrary to popular opinion, romantic love in love marriages decreases over time. Love marriages experience a significant decrease in romantic love after 2-5 years of being together. After reaching this time in their marriages, it continues to drop quickly and divorce usually occurs in the fourth year of being married. After 10 years of being in a love marriage, romantic love levels are way lower than romantic love of arranged marriages after 10 years as well. 

What happens in Arranged Marriages?

Couple who get married because they have been set up by their families begin with lower levels of romantic love than those belonging to love marriages. In comparison to love marriages, romantic love increases throughout time, mostly because they start at a low point. During the first two years romantic love increases gradually, and after reaching the 2-5 year mark their romantic love levels significantly increase. After 10 years of being in an arranged marriage, their romantic love levels are almost as high as love marriage’s levels of romantic love in their first year. 

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Gender Differences in Love

Women experience more volatile and intense emotions than men.

Women tend to be more cautious with who they fall in love with.

Men tend to have more romantic attitudes than women. For instance:

Men have the belief that nothing else matters if you love someone enough. 

Men believe more in love at first sight and fall in love faster than women do.

Men are usually the first in a couple to say I love you 70% of the time. 

Men think love should be more passionate than women. 

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Love Across Cultures -      United States vs. China

1. Experiences of falling in love:

Chinese reported falling in love with their partner’s personality, how aroused they were by the other person, and opinions of others. 

Americans reported falling in love with how similar they were to their partner and the partner’s good looks.

2. Married couples in love:

Chinese believe that love is a mixed blessing, and that their partner can be incomprehensible and baffling. 

Americans have adapted the idea of romantic fantasies: the belief that couples will live happily ever after because love is a fairytale

3. Society’s influences 

Chinese are more likely to listen to their parent’s opinions on who they should marry.

Americans are more likely to get married to someone because of love, usually not taking into account other’s opinions. 

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What is Your Loving Style?

Sociologist John Alan Lee proposed a scheme that describe the ranges of the six styles of love that depends on the intensity, commitment, the characteristics you desire, and expectations. Find out what loving style best describes you here:

1. Eros: Erotic lovers tend to believe in love at first sight and have physical appearance as one of the important things for them. These lovers seek passionate and intense relationships. 

2. Ludus: Ludic lovers think of love as a game, and therefore usually like to have several partners at once. They do not take commitment in a relationship seriously. 

3. Storge: Storgic lovers prefer to start relationships off as friendships first and later have the relationship evolve into a more serious commitment. 

4. Mania: Manic lovers have high levels of obsession, fantasies, and are possessive. 

5. Agape: Agapic lovers believe that love is a duty and are self-less when giving out love. 

6. Pragma: Pragmatic lovers use their logic to seek for a reasonable partner, and are also careful and practical. 

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Types Of Love

Psychologist Robern Steinberg proposed there are 8 types of love that all include 3 components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Intimacy is described by feelings of warmth, bondedness, connectedness, and closeness.

Passion is characterized by arousal, sexual consummation, physical attraction, and a motivation for romance.  

Commitment demonstrates a decision to be committed to the relationship and the person.  

Here are the 8 types of love based on the three components:

1. Nonlove: The absence of intimacy, commitment, and passion. This type of love represents the relationship between acquaintances and strangers, not friends. 

2. Liking: Intimacy is present, but passion and commitment are absent. This love represents friendships. These friendships are characterized by a lot of closeness and warmth, but no passion or commitment to be with the person exists. 

3. Infatuation: Passion is the present component, while intimacy and commitment are low. An example of being infatuated with someone, is feeling passion for someone you saw in your high school but never talked to them and never became friends. 

4. Empty love: Here, commitment is present without passion and intimacy. This type of love can happen when relationships cool down, where there is very low passion and intimacy but they are still committed to the relationship. 

5. Romantic love: It is characterized by high levels of intimacy and passion, but not necessarily involves commitment. A summer love can be a romantic love with them already knowing that it will not last - no commitment is apparent. 

6. Companionate love: Intimacy and commitment are present. The feelings of closeness and connectedness are desired for those long-term relationships, with the expectancy that passion from the first few years of the relationship have died down. 

7. Fatuous love: This love is characterized by passion and commitment with the absence of intimacy. An example of this love happens when two people get married within few days of knowing their partner, because their extreme feelings of passion and commitment are overwhelming. 

8. Consummate love: Unlike nonlove, the last type of love includes all the 3 components described by Steinberg: intimacy, commitment, and passion. It is common sense that people search for this type of love because they feel the most complete. Although it may seem like the best type of love, it is hard to keep all three components present through the long-term. 

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Myths about Soul Mates

1. The relationship should be natural, easy and uncomplicated: The truth is that all relationships take time, effort, commitment and energy. You need to make time for each other, to do fun things together, to work on communication, and to learn to negotiate and compromise.

2. The relationship should be conflict free: Because we are each individual and unique we all disagree with others at times, so conflict is natural, and not to be feared. In fact, conflict can force us to confront our differences, and to grow as individuals, and as couples too.

3. Soul mates are romantic: Real life is not the movies, and love can be expressed in countless different ways, and still be genuine. Look out for all the signs that show your partner cares, and don’t be disappointed if they’re not “the stereotype”. Don’t force them to be something that is maybe nor their style.

4. You should always see things the same way and have the same opinions, outlooks and beliefs: You both have different backgrounds and have individual brains so you’re going to sometimes differ in the way you look at life. That needn’t be a problem – you don’t want to be clones.

5. My soul mate will always like and love me: Consideration, respect and a concern for your partner are symptoms of a loving relationship. But being rude and disrespectful or irresponsible are not endearing qualities that build relationships. Instead, we need to give to get – as it’s not “all about me”.

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Relationship.

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i hate mornings but i love you

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It is dangerous, a trapdoor leading to hell, which was not even to be condoned between husband and wife

Romance Attitudes in the Middle Ages 

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Love Throughout The Times

Greeks: In ancient Greece, platonic love was their idea of love which consisted on the adoration of a person in a nonsexual manner. The Greeks thought marriage and family had nothing to do with love, and that passionate love was madness. 

Romans: People in ancient Rome took marriages from a different perspective from  our views on marriage today. Instead, Romans got married between siblings, in order to follow the bloodline and create babies that would have good genes. Therefore, the main purpose of sex was for having babies. 

12th century: During this time, knights would look for what is defined as courtly love, entailing them to look for love with a woman of high social status and becoming devoted to her. In this type of love, the woman was expected to be married to someone else, but the male had to be unmarried!

17th and 18th centuries: The English started believing that romantic love was possible and that ‘happy endings’ were possible. Not everyone in the European countries had the same opinions on romantic love - some still defended the idea of their ‘traditional marriage’ and could not make sense of a marriage being unified because of love. 

Today: In North American culture, the idea of marriage is because you love your significant other. Surprisingly, there are still some regions in the world that still do marriages with the purpose to keep the bloodline, genes or for economic convenience. The idea of getting married because of love makes the most sense to people in individualistic societies (a society that encourages to be an independent individual in any way possible from the rest) such as the United States, because there is less worry about depending on someone else for economic stability.