irislabslive

[irislabslive]

So Much (For) Stardust

It's 2am and I am listening to the new Fall Out Boy album for the second time. Last week I had the luxury of attending one of their album-listening parties.

Fall Out Boy has always been one of those bands for me, one of my bands. I've made so many friends through my adventures for them. The first time I saw them live 12 hours prior I was on a flight home from Mexico and begged my dad as soon as I got home to let me go to the show. It was a radio station show 30 minutes from my house. He ended up bringing me - I weaseled my 14-year-old self to the GA barricade and screamed my heart out that night.

Soon after that Monumentour was announced and I got to see two of my bands together that summer. By the end of 2014, I had made so many friends through this band and even started seeing them outside the internet.

In December 2014, I went to NYC for the first time by myself to see Patrick Stump give a GarageBand masterclass at the Apple Store in Soho with my friends.

January came around and so did the release of American Beauty/American Psycho and on release day, they played The Today Show. Ironically enough, my first-ever concert was Hilary Duff on The Today Show. But this January day was different, my friends and I got on a midnight train to the city and were ready to see my favorite band the day their new album came out. We waited hours in just hoodies in Rockefeller Center. It's one of my favorite stories. When it was time for the performance there was a small crowd of us and we got let into the studio to watch. After the set, they all came up to us and talked with us a little bit, and thanked us for coming.

The next month they played the NBA All-Star show and I remember my friends getting my ticket for me while sitting in English class. This show was so special. Hell, Shaq was there handing out cake. That was my first time in Hammerstein Ballroom and also the closest I ever got to be in one of their pits. I remember screaming my heart out and Pete Wentz loving my energy.

I was 16, so concerts were at my parent's discretion. I didn't get to see them again after that until 2016, my 17th birthday gift was seeing Fall Out Boy at Madison Square Garden. 17-year-old me never would've thought I'd end up working there years later. That show was truly an experience, Wintour had one of my favorite productions I have ever seen. Plus, one of my dear friends from those days went with me and we had the time of our lives seeing our band.

When the next album cycle came around, I was away at college so a big tour wasn't really on the agenda. But here we are again. I'll be seeing Fall Out Boy again in August. I'm lucky this time though, I'll be going to two dates. I'm returning to the same venue I saw them at on Monumentour with great seats, and finally getting a real Fall Out Boy pit experience because I'm so lucky they are playing my job. It's so crazy to say Fall Out Boy is playing my job. (Like I didn't just reveal I worked at one of the biggest venues in the world.)

It took me the whole album to write this little love note to Fall Out Boy. I can't wait to scream these new songs with friends old and new. Over 10 years later and this band still has the same chokehold on me as they did on that little kid that wore their Fall Out Boy hoodie every single day of school. This was the album I needed for this point in my life, and I am so grateful for this band always having me when I needed it.

So Much (For) Stardust. AOTY.

[irislabslive]

The Return.

After I had my heart broken for the first time, it sent me into a spiraling depression. I was in my first semester of college and ended up barely passing the semester.

When I went back in the spring I started putting energy into myself. I decided I wanted to graduate as early as I could, there was too much pressure, and sure I lived with my best friend, there wasn't enough support until the end. I had a few friends but I was still alone so much. That first semester was so traumatic for a handful of reasons but I made it through. The spring semester went by faster.

When I returned in the fall, I had enough credits to qualify as a junior. I lived in an apartment then and I had my car closer to my living space. I had a week that semester when my dearest friend Avery and I got matching tattoos. On that trip, we spent the entire time on a bender. We walked around Times Square drinking Four Lokos out of Starbucks cups and even got interviewed by Billboard in the midst of it. We cried with one another. I got drunk with all of my friends.

That trip was emotionally charged. I hadn't had someone treat me with such gentleness and such kindness in so long. I hadn't vibed with someone on that level in so long. That was the week I officially came out as non-binary and stopped letting my name be an option.

I felt lighter after that trip. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time. It's funny, I feel that way once again. I feel like I'm in the right place and it's the right time. Everything isn't perfect, but I am getting there.

This feels like The Return of Lissa. I'm back bitches. I feel like I just woke up from the horrible dream that has been the last two years.

I'm coming back kicking and screaming and spinning open mosh pits. I'm taking my life back.

This is The Return.

[irislabslive]

The End.

February 28th, 2022. I feel as if a chapter is ending. I just started the new one. I spent three days doing the things I used to do. I fucked up my shoulder in the pit in a basement in New Paltz on Friday night. I screamed and pushed and kicked and didn't cry.

I woke up Saturday sore, but ready to do it all again. I keep opening Instagram to a combination of anger and love. It hurts seeing what you should be doing if last summer went differently. But it happened and it sucked and even the good moments weren't worth it.

I drove by the rest area my first real boyfriend dumped me over Twitter DM at when I was 18. I don't encounter this area often but when I do, it's like that 18-year-old girl is still there stuck in her shock. Stuck in her pain. You only get that kind of love when you're young and stupid. I'll admit, I miss it sometimes, it was like something out of a movie. But love isn't a movie.

In 7 days it will be my 24th birthday. I am terrified. My 23rd birthday was the most bittersweet day of the year. Bittersweet isn't the right word though. Painful is.

It feels like I'm still in that day sometimes, I woke up early like I always do on my birthday. I had planned to see my Nanny, my aunt, and my dad during the day. I didn't see my dad but that was okay. I woke up to no birthday texts from my aunt or my dad. That's when I knew something was wrong.

I went to my Aunt's house to my Uncle being the only one there. He told me my Nanny was dying. I'm in shock. I'm still in shock. I want to see her and talk to her and hug her so bad. I want her to kiss my cheek and ask me to take her to get zippers for whatever baby sweater she's crocheting now.

I never had any grandfathers. They were never alive in my life so I only had my two grandmothers. This is kicking me in the stomach. Nanny was 93 years old. I rushed to the nursing home she had been in since September when she had a stroke and my aunt found her sitting on the couch covered in blood with a pool of blood on the floor as well. We'll never know what happened to Nanny that day. She had a stroke. I would visit her every day I wasn't working.

Covid had her nursing room on lockdown for almost a month, maybe it was more I can't remember - I just remember it being horrible.

During my visits, Nanny would have a round of questions she always asked. Are you working? Where are you working? Do you have a boyfriend? Yes. A few places. No. She asked me a few weeks prior the last question and I wanted to tell her about my love story, leaving out all the details that made it seem like I was being manipulated and abused. I'd talk about our first kiss when he took my breath away and how long we've known each other and all the nights on Skype. But that was half a decade ago and what I was getting now was not the same person as all those years ago.

My birthday. Back to my birthday. I had made plans to see him that night. We hadn't seen each other in nearly a year. He booked a hotel room. I was supposed to have a good birthday. But here I was staring at Nanny, tears in my eyes. She didn't look the same as she did a few days earlier.

The week prior she said something to me and my aunt that can only be described as eerie. She saw this face. She kept seeing this face that wasn't there. It felt like a bullet. But today she was barely conscious. I held her hand for a little bit. It hurt. I sat there for a little bit until my aunt asked me to bring her back home to get her car and come back. I remember saying bye to Nanny. I told her that I loved her and walked out with my aunt. It hurt.

I told him what was happening and I just needed that support. I stopped at my mom's house and told my brother. He was taken aback. I went back to my apartment and got on a silly little outfit. I needed to wear something that made me feel good. It was cold that day. I didn't care. I got in my car with all my things and drove. 2 hours. I got to him, got out of my car, and kissed him. I needed to kiss him more than anything. He held me for a moment. I felt okay for a second.

The entire evening we spent together I was terrified of getting the call. He kept me pretty calm. His intentions that day were so much like the first time around. He cared so much. I couldn't sleep much that night but sleeping next to him for the first time was peaceful. I kept tossing and turning and checking my phone every few minutes. Nothing. Silence. The silence was scarier. He woke up at some point and eventually calmed me down and held me til I fell asleep. At least I had this support tonight. Most nights it is just Jasper and I. I wish I could've brought Jasper to see Nanny. She would've loved to get to pet him and give him treats one last time. That's her great-grandkitty.

I woke up the next day. Nothing. Still silence. I was too scared to ask.;

I found out after my aunt and my dad were counting down the minutes to midnight hoping that she wouldn't die on my birthday.

I eventually kissed him goodbye and got in my car and drove home. I was exhausted. I kept trying to force myself to go back to the nursing home. I was too depressed. I fell asleep eventually. Between the physical and emotional pain, I was half alive. I get the call at 5:40pm. When I saw Aunt Eileen pop up on my phone my heart sank. I think I had tears before I answered.

The silence was over. There was an eerie sense of peace. Nanny was okay.

But I wasn't. I cried for hours. My mom called me to check in on me. I was still crying. She took me out to lunch a few hours earlier to try and calm me down. I couldn't be calm. This hurt.

So in one week, it will be one year since my 23rd birthday. It will be my 24th birthday. I am trying to stay positive and trying to make plans so I don't have to be sad on my birthday.

Between the memories of my abusive relationship before it got physical. Between my Nanny dying. Between just hanging on. I'm trying.

But it's as if a cycle ended. I feel so different.

I am not crying over losing him anymore. I actually for the first time, feel a little something for someone else and am excited about the future. There's so much on the horizon. Last month I got a new car and this weekend I gave it a taste of the "old" me that I lost for a little bit. I made friends on my own, I went out, and I started hanging out again. When I drove by his exits on the highway I remembered, but it didn't hurt anymore. He didn't destroy me this time. I am free.

March is going to busy. My year is picking up again, I am getting my shit together still, but it's mostly little things at this point. I am listening to my body. I am trying to find motivation. I am okay. I am free.

I have lots of exciting and scary things coming up but I am doing the damn thing. I feel so free.

[irislabslive]

Waking Up From A Coma

That's what August felt like. August felt like waking up. I started seeing things for what they were, and the rose-colored glasses broke. That's when I knew he would leave, I knew the silence was deafening, and the high wore off.

I tried to make it through August but was holding something I didn't have. I thought I was making a life, but my life skidded to a halt instead.

You yelled. You got a temper. You told me everything I was doing was wrong. Everything was wrong. You were right. You were wrong too. I needed someone to just be there. I needed someone to just be. I still get scared when I get Snapchat notifications. You told me I was killing you by trying to be in your life.

You still liked the support I gave though. You still liked having a version of me. You still liked having the company every night that just watched you work. You liked having a pretty face to glance at every once in a while. You liked spending time with me.

I thought we were getting closer. I thought I was doing a good job. I thought I was doing what I was told.

I tried to survive August. I woke up with an elbow in my sternum. I woke up with the feeling of him pushing me away. I woke up when he came hours later than he said. I woke up sitting on my couch waiting for him to arrive. I woke up when the detective called me 20 minutes after he arrived. I woke up when I brought him into my Aunt's house and he faked the pleasantries. She thought he was nice and smart. She saw me wake up.

I woke up when we were alone in the apartment and you wanted me to go get the car by myself so you could have a break from me. I woke up when I threw up after he met my mother. I woke up when he held my thigh as we drove back to the apartment. I woke up when he called me annoying. I woke up crying when he called me annoying. When he called me annoying, the glasses broke. I knew it was over. He shoved me onto the bed he was so annoyed with me. He didn't want me. That night I woke up crying, looking right at him. He seemed so peaceful. He had work the next day. This time tomorrow he would be gone. This would be the last time I slept next to him. He drifted out of sleep eventually. He saw me with the remains of tears in my eyes. He pulls me closer and tells me he's there and that I'm there and that I'm safe. He holds me until I drift into sleep. I knew I was losing him, but I had this moment in his arms.

The next morning we talk through the problems that happened in those short moments he was here. I dust it off to us getting too caught up and my anxiety getting the best of me. But that was the last time I slept next to him. That was the last time he held me and told me everything would be okay. That was the last time he put his hands on me, but it wasn't the last time he yelled at me.

[irislabslive]

The Beginning

Roughly a decade ago I began my dive into Tumblr and there is a sort of irony in starting a website using Tumblr to host it, but it's familiar and I need familiar faces more than ever.

I began on Tumblr at 13 in 2012 with a blog for the artist I loved at the time, Owl City. By the end of 2013, I had established a following and a voice that was all my own. I had watched my favorite artist get exposed for allowing fans to be taken advantage of for being a fan, but these were more than just fans - these were people I cared about, my friends. I was one of the first and only people outspoken about these things that had happened. I received painful backlash and hate for years. But that didn't stop me from fighting for a voice for these fans. I stopped listening to the music, but I kept the friends and connections I made at this time in my life.

I never lost my connection with music though, I found other artists and musicians to connect with and more community in these artists. Eventually, in 2017 I pursued my Bachelor's in Music Business. I knew I had a place in this scene and I knew I had a mission to do good and make the scene brighter and safer. I graduated just two and a half years later at 20 years old. I had begun traveling around the continent for music and community and found it everywhere. It was beautiful, and I made friends and connections I will carry with me forever. I had begun to establish a career for myself in the live events realm working at major music festivals like Bonnaroo and Rolling Loud. I started working on shows instead of just going to them and I felt like I found my place.

When the pandemic hit in 2020, I wasn't full-time in the live events space yet, so I rode out the pandemic working in the toll booths New York had once upon a time. Once my job in the toll booth was eliminated I had to find somewhere to place myself until shows could safely come back. I ended up working from home and burning myself out after 8 months of 60-hour weeks in front of a screen. Once they started coming back, I came back to life. I ended up landing a job in one of the biggest venues in the world and making friends that made me feel like I was getting to the right place.

That changed almost a year ago though, on November 30th, 2021 I was in a hit-and-run car accident that left my body with some horrible injuries I still haven't gotten over. I was out of work until February 3rd, 2022 and still am not back to my strength nearly a year later.

But I didn't let that stop me. I had to keep going. I started working more and more and by the time summer was coming I was working shows all the time. I wasn't at my full strength but I was doing my best. That's all I can do, give it 110% and keep going. I was back on the festival route and found love and passion in what I was doing again. I was feeling better, I was being better. I felt good.

That all changed on June 16th, 2022. I started that day so well, waking up in my best friend's bed between shifts in the city. I go to my mom's job and have lunch with her and tell her about the boy I loved since I was a teenager, I felt like I had it all. I had all the love I needed. I go to work ready to kick ass and have another successful show before having a day off.

That wasn't what happened though. A bartender had other plans for me. He offered me drinks and I accepted one thinking of it as a celebration for me being so, me lately. He's flirting with me and I reject it and kinda just brush it off and go back to my work, but he comes back. He keeps pushing me and by the second drink the size of a shot I feel fucked up. I describe it as the most fucked up I had ever been with drinking the tiniest bit. I was then led to a storage room in the venue and was violently raped by this bartender.

After it happened, I didn't know what to do, I continued my shift until the show ended and avoided the room he had first found me in as much as possible. I felt sick. I told my best friend and my partner before my shift ended. When I was finally alone in my car, I called my partner and discussed it with them and told them everything. I could feel it breaking them to hear. We talked on the phone for about half of my commute home. I got home and grabbed my cat Jasper and just held him. I crawled into bed and held myself until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next day feeling awful. I was covered in my own blood - but it wasn't like getting your period. It was just bleeding, it hurt. I was covered in bruises on my chest, and I could still feel hands on my throat. I had this intense pressure over my right eye. I would later learn that the trauma from this would retrigger my vision disability.

I bled for five days. Luckily, only two of those days I was by myself. In those two days, I spent my day off curled up in bed holding myself. I wanted to escape. Two days after, I was supposed to go to work. I tried to, I wanted to. I got a flat tire on my way to work. I spent three hours on the side of the highway I spent four years working on, on the verge of tears listening to one song. When the help truck finally came, I knew the guy from my years in the toll booth and had to fake pleasantries. This was my third or fourth flat tire in a year. I felt defeated.

When I finally got back home and got another car to drive, I remembered that I had to check on my emergency contraceptive script that I stayed up til 3am to find online. I went to my pharmacy defeated. They told me that the script wouldn't be in until Monday. That was too late. They asked me if it was time sensitive, and I said yes. They told me they should have a different brand behind me. I was met with an empty shelf. The pharmacist and I were slightly panicked. We called six different pharmacies trying to find an emergency contraceptive or a script to be filled on a Saturday afternoon. We eventually got my script sent to the CVS and I had about a 7-minute drive there. I had Silk Chiffon by MUNA stuck in my head on the drive there. I'll admit I waited in the parking lot of this CVS getting high and feeling anxious, life's so fucking fun.

I eventually get the courage to go in. I pace the aisles unsure if my script is ready yet - I am so scared to pick up this little pill I need more than anything. After about seven minutes of hyping myself up to get this pill, I take a deep breath and the cashier makes pleasantries with me. She can see the fear and anxiety on my face. $22. My partner had venmoed me enough to cover it. I didn't want them to pay for it but they were the kindest person while I dealt with this. I just had to make it to tomorrow to see them.

I take my script and walk back out to my mother's car. She's away on vacation and my brother said I couldn't take his car - so at least I took the emergency contraceptive in style in my mother's brand-new Lexus. I downed this pill with a glass of iced tea - a bittersweet mix in my throat. Then I decided to go to my favorite record store - there has to be some good to come out of this day. There has to be something despite the blood, despite the pill, despite the flat tire. I am navigating this alone, but my partner is holding my hand from a state away, I just had to make it through the day.

I barely make it through the day, I have a panic attack at 1am because of the bleeding. I can't. I should go to the hospital but I can't. I can't go to the hospital alone. I call one of my friends and she urges me to go - but that wasn't why I called her. I didn't want to go alone. I couldn't go by myself. I call my partner and he begs me to go. I couldn't go alone. I don't go to the hospital. I go to bed, I don't care, I can't do this by myself. I hold my cat until I fall asleep.

It's November again. My rapist hasn't lost his job or gone to jail. My partner left me alone again. My family thinks I'm crazy. One thing I didn't lose was that passion, it's barely there - but I still feel it. I know I'm more than what happened to me, but I also know what happened to me shapes me. One day I'll talk more about what happened to me after but I do know one thing, I'll live.

I've had so much taken from me, but it's time to start taking it back. That's what this whole thing is, taking back everything, starting with me.

Next year I'll do a better launch of what Iris Labs Live is, but for now, it's taking back the things that are important to me. It's taking back my ability to go to a concert and feel safe. It's taking back my body. It's taking back my mind. It's taking back all the things I've had taken away from me by men. It's a safe space for me and the people I care about to feel safe. It's me. That's all it has to be right now. Once I have me back, then I can focus on everything and everyone else. For now, I just have me, and the few people that care for me. I didn't think my year would look like this, but I can't change it, so the only way out is through.

For me, for Lissa.