inrecovery82

[inrecovery82]

Rough Day

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

Like I say, it has been a rough day.

It would have been our anniversary today.

I have been feeling like I have a knot in my stomach all day and my head keeps wandering to better days, then to how I betrayed her.

I have been out for a bit, just to get away from the house for a while.

I'll get through this. It will take time, but I will get through this.

[inrecovery82]

To my Wife

It is my sincerest wish that you have been reading this blog.

I wanted to send you a message today to wish you a Happy Birthday, but I don't want to run the risk of upsetting you.

I also want to yet you know that I am thinking of you all the time.

There is so much more I want to say, but this certainly isn't the forum for it.

I hope you have a good day.

[inrecovery82]

I Passed!

I passed the first exam!

76%

I'm really quite pleased with that.

Only 5 more to go.

Once I get the confirmation and certificate, I'm going to start applying for a new job.

Finally something to feel excited about and to be looking forward to.

[inrecovery82]

Continued Improvement?

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So, a bit longer than anticipated, I am now ready to sit my first exam. I am waiting on a date for it, but hopefully it will be happening soon.

I am also moving on to Steps 4 and 5.

I'm actually feeling quite pleased with myself.

I still hate the situation I have got myself into and what I am, but I am taking steps to be a better person.

I'm not there yet, but I will be.

Progress, not perfection

[inrecovery82]

Self Improvement?

I do not want, nor do I deserve any sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So I am deep into Steps 2 & 3. Its tricky as there is now much reference to God and a Higher Power. I'm atheist.

Wildly atheist.

At the moment, I am using the group as my Higher Power.

Main reason being?

The group exists.

If I make a cry for help, there is a reply.

I am also working on a new course.

It is a bolt-on to a course I did a couple of years ago.

I've made the decision to try and get out of my current job by the end of the year. I'm done with it.

I always said that it wasn't the job that I would be retiring from, but the though of being in that job next year is less than appealing.

Coupled with the pressure that I am under to perform in a role that I am not interested in, I'm going to end up a basket case. I've already done that. I'm not doing it again.

A change is definitely needed.

Whether the timing is right or not, I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of is that it needs to be done on my own terms and not because I've been bundled.

So, I have hit the books hard this week. I am planning to be in a position to take the first exam next week. I am going to do this.

[inrecovery82]

Who am I?

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

A question that I have been pondering for a while since September.

Who am I?

I am a sex addict, but I no longer want it to define me.

So, who am I?

I am a son

A brother

A cousin

An uncle

A friend

A cat dad

A mountain biker

A snowboarder

A runner

A hiker/walker

An engineer

A former rugby player

A recovering sex addict?

I'm certainly a broken man and I am working on this.

I am also trying to recover. It is a challenge to say the least.

Is it recovery?

My addiction has been such a big part of my life, from a young age, I have no idea who I am.

Over the years, I have tried, and failed to get a handle on it. I genuinely wanted to, but eventually, my dark passenger would take control.

I simply wasn't strong enough to resist the constant onslaught from it.

I will beat it. I will claim my life. I will recover.

[inrecovery82]

Time for an Update

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So...

There has been a few things happening, but also not very much.

There has still been no movement on the sale of the house, mainly that I am still waiting on word back from my wife on the draft separation agreement. This has been in her court now since March.

I'm still in pain. I actually have been signed off since that time, as I was under a lot of pressure that, quite frankly, I couldn't handle.

This has given me the time to process a lot of what has happened. Not just with my wife, but a lot of shameful acts from before I met her.

I am still in counselling, and it seems to be helping. More and more, it is becoming apparent, that I have some serious unresolved issues from my youth that led me to act out in the manner that I have.

I have also completed Step 1.

This has forced me to face up to the consequences of my actions.

I still wish, when my wife asked if we needed counselling, I'd agreed. Perhaps this would have been the safe space to bring light my addiction / compulsive behaviours a couple of years ago, and I could've had her support and been further along on my journey.

Maybe this is wishful thinking. Who knows?

My dads estate has finally be distributed. I've cleared the credit cards I used to pay the legal expenses accumulated and left me with enough to keep the roof over my head for a little while longer.

I also climbed my first munro - Schiehallion. It was hard going. I'm doing my next one in a few days.

I have also signed up to a new course to build my CV.

Prior to being signed off, it was obvious that I had truly lost interest in the job. Being pressured to perform in a role that doesn't excite you, just creates stress and anxiety. I don't need any more of that shit.

This is me now trying to claim my life.

Trying to work out who I am.

Trying desperately to be a better person.

Wish me luck!

[inrecovery82]

14/01/24

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

It has been a difficult week.

I feel I say this a lot, but it is nevertheless true.

I met up with my wife through the week to have a chat about the sale of the house, or more to the point, the separation agreement to allow the sale of the house.

All I succeeded in doing was pissing her off.

I feel I need to speak to a solicitor before I can sign it and make it a binding document. This will happen on Monday.

She was really upset. I can understand why, as she just wants to draw a line under things and take her next steps. This is something that I need as well.

I need to heal. I can't do that in the house that we started to make together. It will never be home.

Therapy is still ongoing. I've asked if I am narcissistic.

The therapist seemed shocked at the question.

I don't know if I am, but I need to rule it out as a possibility, as my wife has mentioned things that suggests I have traits.

If I am, how do I manage this?

I don't want to put anyone through my shit again.

No-one deserves this.

[inrecovery82]

2024

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So here we are on a Sunday afternoon. Still broken.

I am just about to begin the second week of the year and I have no motivation.

SAA on Thursday was, albeit heavy, really quite good.

I confessed that I am not as sober as I want to be. I am skirting in the middle circle behaviours along with outer circle behaviours. The way I see it at the moment, as long as I am in the middle circle, it is better than than inner circle behaviours, which I did venture into briefly a few weeks ago.

One piece of good news is that the woman I met before Christmas, I've told her that I don't think that we are a good match.

But, I have reached out for a sponsor.

It is definitely time. I need to fully embrace the programme and heal.

I truly hope that 2024 is a year of recovery.

I'm tired of feeling like shit.

I got an amazing gift from a friend over the weekend there.

She gave me effectively a deck of cards - 52, one for each week of the year, and it kicks off with this....

I won't lie, it set me off.

She has been brilliant over the last few weeks. I admire her brutal honesty. She has been through what I put my wife through and has given me a very different perspective on everything.

I hope someday, I can be the friend that she has been for me, but importantly, I don't want to abuse the friendship.

In other news, I have finally stopped threatening to go on a parkrun, and went for it.

It was bloody cold!

But I did it. I actually ran 5km in 33mins 45sec.

Okay, it isn't a world record, but I did it. It was also a pretty good time for me. I was actually happy.

Trouble is, I still don't feel I deserve happiness. This lead to feelings of guilt.

Someday, I might allow myself to feel happy....

Right now?

Not going to happen

[inrecovery82]

New Years Eve - 2023

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

I never thought 2023 would end this way. Broken and alone.

I started the year content. Happy.

There was a point before I started to misbehave, we were at a friends birthday party I was watching my wife, and I was thinking;

"what the hell am I doing?"

I had a chance to stop it before it began, but I never. I pushed through the feelings of guilt and shame.

I need to admit to myself, that what I have done is not a series of mistakes. It is a pattern of behaviour.

I would give anything for my wife to take me back and work to better myself. I need her support.

So on the 27th, I was in London with my brother to collect my dads vehicles. It certainly wasn't a smooth ride.

It kicked off at 5am when he picked me up to catch our flight from Edinburgh airport. Got through security without any pain and into the departure lounge.

The flight departed on time.

Once in London, we got a taxi from the airport to the storage facility, again without incident.

This was when the fun began.

Because the vehicles had sat for a year the batteries were completely discharged.

The good news is that we managed to get a mobile mechanic out that day to fit a new one. Once fitted, the camper van kicked over no problem.

The car we made the decision to just scrap it. It wouldn't have been worth the expense to go back down in the new year, arrange the pickup from the storage facility to a MOT test centre, get it through the MOT to drive it back up the road. Again, a scrappy came out and gave us an okay offer for it.

On our way.

Apart form the London traffic, the drive was uneventful until we got to the Lake District, where we had to come off the motorway on a massive detour.

We ran out of fuel. The worst bit?

We were less than 3 miles from motorway service area.

We managed to get a 24hr recovery. Fuck me! That was expensive.

The rest of the journey passed without incident.

Home by half 5 on Thursday morning. Absolutely exhausted.

Apart from this, I was pretty boring. Just been indulging in some outer circle activities.

I'm miserable.

[inrecovery82]

Christmas Eve

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

I need a break from Facebook.

It has very kindly given a memory this morning.

Seven years ago today, my wife and I were away to St. Anton in Austria for our honeymoon.

I posted a lot on that holiday. I guess I am taking a break from it for a while.

For the first year, at least, after it I was actually behaving myself.

I was content with my life.

I had a good life and threw it away.

I may not get my wife back. A thought that is absolutely devastating to me.

I have told my family and friends that I need to be alone tomorrow and Boxing Day. I need to face this at some point and might as well get it over with sooner rather than later.

I wish I had got the help I needed before my world crumbled.

[inrecovery82]

I've Slipped Up

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

As the title of this entry says, I have slipped.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I set up a profile on a site I have used in the past and had been chatting with women.

I have now had a social meet with one of them and we really hit it off. We have not done anything more than have a coffee.

I know this doesn't make it right as the intention is there.

I don't know what to do now. I know what I need to do - cut all ties and shut down my profile, but it has been September since I last had sex and that was with my wife.

Again, this does not justify my actions.

I am so confused. My head is a mess. My dark passenger is getting louder and I am struggling to ignore it.

I don't want to be this person. This person is so destructive, to themself and everyone around him.

I hate this person.

[inrecovery82]

18/12/2023

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

She has blocked me on Facebook. I noticed at the weekend there.

Also, she appears to have went back to her maiden name. I spotted this when I was looking at messages that she sent me in the past.

I hate what I have done, and hate that my urges for acting out continue to grow.

The estate agent comes today, and my wife is supposed to be coming as we have paperwork to fill in.

I am struggling to concentrate on anything else at the moment.

I would give anything to fix this mess that I have created, and have my wife back with me.

I have never had to deal with consequences like this in my life.

On a lighter note, I have had a load of hiking gear delivered. Stuff that is a better fit and will be going with me to Kilimanjaro.

This includes a new GPS.

I was having a play around with it over the weekend and noticed an option for Geocaching. Curiosity got the better of me and I had a look. Now I have a new hobby!

I found myself in a very dark place yesterday (Sunday), fighting the urge to log onto the website I mentioned in a previous post, and decided just to go for it. I went out and found a cache quite close to me. I was surprisingly pleased with myself for finding it.

The only downside?

I kept thinking that it is something that my wife would have been quite excited about getting involved with. There were tears when that thought struck.

The good news is I may have found a new outer circle behaviour.

[inrecovery82]

What to do?

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

It has been a while since I last updated this, but there isn't much I can say at the moment. I'm stagnating right now.

I was in touch with the estate agent about getting things moving with the sale of the house, and being honest, it was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made.

I always hoped that this house would be the one that I'd be boxed up in. Now I don't know what the future holds and quite frankly, I'm terrified.

I still don't see a future without my wife.

Therapy is still very much getting to know me, but it is only the second session. I'm 41. My life can't be compressed into an hours session!

My wife went for a job interview down south at the weekend. It hurts that she is making moves like this, but I can't blame her and understand why she is doing it. I guess she sees a future without me.

My urges continue to grow.

I re-joined a site that I used for acting out in the past, and have contacted women. I've not done anything other than contacting, but I'm a fuck-wit....

Why am I like this?

It's just making me feel worse about everything. I need to shutdown my profile, but I struggle to actually hit the delete button and go through with it.

I guess I am thinking about christmas coming up and how I am on my own for the first time. I really am not looking forward to it.

Why am I such an arse hole?

[inrecovery82]

More Pain

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So today, my wife was around the house so we could start getting it straightened up for it to go on the market.

Her parents were around as well.

Her dad was icy with me, Not a surprise. I hurt his daughter.

I told her that I was sorry again, but that I am not looking for her forgiveness.

I cannot forgive myself. So how can I expect to be forgiven by anyone else?

I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to hurt her.

I hate myself. I told my wife this for the first time today.

I hope I can have a sit down and chat with her and confess(?) everything. Maybe she will listen. I hope she will listen.

It wasn't just mental anguish I was dealing with, this weekend.

I have started my training for my trek of Kilimanjaro.....

It was a local hill - East Lomond. A walk from my house to the top of over 20km, and a total ascent of 629m.

I have a bit of work in front of me as some of the ascents are over 1200m.

I have a bit of work in front of me as I was in bits by the end of this hike!

But I did it. I view it as a benchmark.

Anyway,

My next counselling session is Tuesday.

I wouldn't go as far to say that I am excited about going, but I am feeling optimistic about it. It hurts as I have to revisit things that have caused me and my wife pain of the years.

I still want answers. I need to know I can be salvaged, or am I too broken?

[inrecovery82]

It Began

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So therapy began.

As with all counselling, the first session and the following few sessions are very much about getting to know me.

It was emotional.

I was asked a lot of questions about my relationship with my wife and my youth.

I know it is a cliché, but I think this lets me know I'm speaking to the correct person.

I'm ready for the healing to begin.....

I can heal?

[inrecovery82]

Therapy Begins

I do not want, nor do I deserve sympathy. I only have myself to blame.

So today, therapy begins.

I really hope that it is what I'm looking for.

I made it clear that it was for sexual addiction that I need help, but I also need help to come to terms with what I have done.

I've been trying not to analyse myself too much, but it is really difficult. Especially as the conclusion I draw, is that I am a piece of shit.

I never deserved my wife, but she certainly didn't deserve what I did to her.