innerharmonyblaze-blog

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Porches 

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Nightmare

I've never felt as close to hell as I did last night. However I think this can be a new start of my life. I wanna live a more responsible life. I wanna reaffirm all the positive things that I've believed in and rid myself of all the negatives. No more self pitying. I'm incredibly lucky to have all the opportunities I have today. I will treasure them and live every day positively. I will respect myself and others.

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2018 plans

Definitely won't stay in HK Option 1 - working in Shanghai and learning French - travel to Australia Ideally in fashion or law or PR Worst scenario teaching English/LSAT To do: check HKU database Option 2 - working in Europe and traveling Regardless of industry Preferably in 🇳🇱🇫🇷🇩🇪🇪🇸🇬🇧 To do: check HKU database

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4 Nov 2017

Having Andrea over was a mistake. XXX was disgusting. The HK scene is bound to be shit. Don't even bother. 2 beers is your limit.

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2 Oct

I can't think of a better fuck you to Hong Kong and HKU and all the boring people here than a 180 on the LSAT and a sick night out in London/Shanghai/Berlin/Melbourne

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Break boundaries

Lachie, one of my insta crushes, posted a photo of him and a cute Swiss guy, presumably his friend from Cantab. They are chilling and smiling on a boat in a lake in Switzerland. Beautiful as a film scene. It looks almost like a fictional world to me. 

Cantab also used to be a fictional world to me, when I watched Maurice at the age of 16, when I opted into the HKU-Cambridge joint admission scheme but didn’t even get invited to an interview, when I got in PKP but wasn’t sure if I was willing to pay over 5,000 pounds for it. I made it here. I’m not really part of this world yet but merely being here brings me a layer closer to this world. 

I realise my life has always been about breaking boundaries between worlds. The world I was born into is probably 10 worlds away from the world I live in. If I’ve made it here, I can make it further.  

I might not like Lachies’ worlds but at least I would like to experience them. This is my way to prove I’m living. I refuse to be trapped in the world that fate randomly assigned to me. When I close my eyes, I can see myself sit next to Lachie on that boat, smiling, enjoying the sun, and feeling proud to be there. 

13/08/2017

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09.03.17 Bigger

It’s been a week since I first met Ben at this gay bar in Central. I liked him immediately. Born in Germany, grew up moving around with his English parents, studied law at King’s, worked for Accenture in London, with a pleasant south England accent. If he was just these things, I wouldn’t pay more attention to him than I would to any other typical young ‘professionals’ in HK. After all, there are so many of them here, coming out of the same mold: white, works in either law or finance or consulting, from a cosmopolitan background, well-traveled and well-educated, goes to the gym four days a week. Their favorite brands usually include Ralph Lauren and Lacoste. Basically bougie as fuck. But Ben was more than that. He was funny and chilled out, with just enough confidence and no obnoxiously big ego. 

Nothing happened that night because we were both with our own friend. In the end we got each other’s facebook. Being typical me, I almost thought he wouldn’t be interested in me. After all, two day later I still message him. After a flirtatious chat, he asked me out for coffee. Despite all the uni deadlines looming above my head, I agreed. We ended up meeting at a Starbucks in Pacific Place. We had a long nice chat. We learned basic stuff about each other’s background and he showed me amazing photos he took on his trip to Indonesia. At one point, he grabbed my thigh under the table and I got the hint. After a while he suggested a walk but he said he needed to drop his laptop in his hotel room first. I went up to his room in Marriot, aware but not entirely sure of his agenda. 

His room was massive by HK standards with a nice view of the mid-hill buildings in Admiralty. There was a magazine lying open on his desk and he told me about the story in it that he found interesting. In the middle of me responding to him, he pressed his lips onto mine out of the blue. I’ll leave the details of what happened in the next 20 minutes or so out of this blog. 

Afterwards, we cuddled in his bed while he was playing instagram. His instagram page was so carefully curated with a nice balance of abstract and not so abstract photos from his world trips. He also showed me many friends of his including Asians that he found very attractive (and I didn’t). They were all very typical well-educated upper middle-class Asians living in the West. Browsing through their posts, I couldn’t stop thinking to what a large degree their lives were as good as they were due to their privileged background relative to mine and how many not-so-basic guys like Ben there must be in London holding average standards for Asian guys because whatever mediocrity of them would be justified as exoticness. 

At that moment, I felt like an outsider staring into Ben’s world, a world I could be in now if I had been born with a little bit more privilege. I know his world is nothing but a bubble, just like my bubble but a curious one which I really want to explore. I’ve been in school and HK for so long that I often forget how much bigger a world there is out there. And I must not lose sight of it. I am where I am now precisely because I never forgot - or always tried not to forget - this simple fact when I was back in that small town in the cold north. 

We ended up leaving his hotel around 6pm and queuing up outside this popular Japanese ramen restaurant. Over the queuing and probably the best ramen I’ve had in my life, we talked about philosophy of jurisprudence. Surprisingly, he read many legal/political philosophers in his law course that I’ve read in my philosophy classes as well. It was nice to talk to someone about philosophy which so few people seem to give a fuck about in this superficial city. And that was my Friday night. 

Tonight I met him at the same bar again. He told me that Accenture decided to send him back to London and that he’s leaving in three weeks. I wish him a good trip in the end and he said he’d see me when he came back from Taiwan. It’s kind of sad that he’s leaving but hey, I know nothing would happen between us even if he was staying. Maybe I’ll see him in London this summer and get a closer taste of ‘his world.’ But who knows how much my perspective will have changed by then? The only thing that doesn’t change is the fact that there is a bigger world out there and I want to see it. 

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04.03.17 Missed Opportunities

 Just realised how good this Live, Learn and Intern in China programme is: everything is covered by the fund from the Chinese Commerce Chamber; an internship is guaranteed; participants are from top notch UK and US unis. Should’ve applied last year. The STJU summer school was a blast but also seems quite a waste of time now compared to other programmes. 

More broadly speaking, I missed so many opportunities at uni. Just to list a few:

PKP-HKU scholarship: Had I got a 3.5+ GPA, I would’ve saved 5000GBP and had a nice item on my CV. 

Yale visiting programme: Would’ve been such a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the liberal arts environment at Yale and make quality friends. 

Top unis in the exchange programme such as Columbia, Melbourne, and Berkeley: had I got a higher GPA, I would’ve been able to go on exchange last year at a top uni. 

Internships at top firms: Had I looked into it and applied 

I always complain about how few opportunities are available to me and how disadvantaged I am. The fact is that there have been a lot of opportunities around me but I just let them slip away again and again. 

Much as I despise the snobbish/elitist people such as J Hong, S Chen and M Liu, they do appreciate their opportunities and work hard to get them. That’s why they get to go to Yale, intern at top firms and get scholarships and I DON’T. 

This time is a good wake up call. A bit late but not too late. Less complaining and self-pitying. More hard work. 

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Moving on to new and better things

Last night, I decided not to put up with assholes in my life anymore. Then I met probably the best guy that has appeared in my life. It felt like a dream. The moral of the story? Never settle for something less than the best. 

And dear America. It’s a much wider exciting world there. Don’t lose your hope for life just because your life in HK sucks. There’s good stuff to look forward to and work hard for. 

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Are you willing to practise the LSAT every day to score a high 170s?

Are you willing to prepare and revise for classes every day to get a 3.7+ sGPA?

Are you willing to work out every day for a sexy and athletic body? 

Are you willing to eat healthy every day to gain muscles and lose fat?

Are you willing to go to bed before 1am every day to be efficient and healthy?

Are you willing to read every day to be an interesting person? 

Are you willing to learn English every day to be a near-native speaker?

Are you willing to run for at least 20 mins every day to have lean legs? 

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24.12.16

End up alone this year. Normally I wouldn’t feel sad about being alone, even on special occasions. Having experienced some of the closest human relationships ever this year, I actually wish I had those people I am close to around. 

Never thought Xmas had anything to do with me until now since most of my friends are from that culture. It’s sad that I have to stay in HK alone but it’s not really my fault. Two reasons:

1) I don’t live in a western society. People I like here have gone home.

2) I cannot afford to travel, Could’ve visited Melbourne. 

I will be fine once I overcome these two difficulties. I just need to be patient. That’s why I should work even harder during the holidays. 

[Caveat]

Try not to be affected too much by social media. Remember how shallow these platforms and their contents are. Consume them critically. Get inspired without being dispirited. 

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Create motivations for yourself. 

When you are bored, depressed, frustrated, take a walk in Admiralty, Soho, or even SYP.