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Barney: That’s why we needed a legal expert.

Marshall: Oh, really? Who did you get?

Ted: *stares*

Marshall: Oh! Right, that’s me… Yes.

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Ted: Are you listening to me?

Marshall: *Nods*

Ted: What did I just say?

Marshall: *Nods*

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*After one of Barney's schemes goes wrong*

Some guy: You’re in big trouble pal, I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

Barney: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

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Marshall: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

Ted: Look, what did you think a tiger shark was?

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Ted: Robin, you’re never going to get a husband by being sarcastic.

Robin: Alright, no husband.

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Lily: What do you call sabotage and vandalism?

Barney: A hobby.

*Pause*

Barney: That I don't engage in.

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Robin: You just said 'I love you'.

Barney: *Panicking* I say 'I love you' all the time! Marshall, I love you.

Marshall: Aww thanks Barney, I love you too.

Barney: See! It means nothing.

Marshall: Hey!

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Barney: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.

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Barney: Want to play laser tag?

Ted: Not right now, but ask me 10 years ago.

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Lily: Marshall, can I speak to you for a moment? In private.

Marshall: Ooh, someone’s in trouble. It’s me. I don’t know why I did that.

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Barney: This date is boring.

Robin: This isn't a date. I told you I was going to the store.

Barney: Then why did you invite me?

Robin: I didn’t. I specifically told you “do not come with me” and you said “don’t tell me what to do” and followed me here.

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Barney: You're so awesome, I love you.

Robin: ...What did you just say?

Barney: Nothing! I said, ‘you’re so awesome' and then I just stopped talking.

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Robin: I can't take this anymore! I need someone to take me out.

Barney: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Robin: I don't know. Both? Surprise me.

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Ted: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Marshall: It's kind of complicated, but I bought a goat and-

Ted: Got it. Forget I asked.

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Ted: You've been stalking women?!

Barney: You call it stalking, I call it "Lovingly lurking in the shadows".

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Robin: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail.

Barney: No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have used my one free phone call to play a prank on Ted.

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Ted: I remember the first time I saw her. I was like, 'holy shit. I'm gonna fall in love with this woman.'

Lily: oh, that's sweet. Robin, what did you think the first time you saw Ted?

Robin: I thought, 'oh shit. This guy's gonna hit on me'.