incorrect-ionians

[incorrect-ionians]

He has them in spirit, and that's what counts.

Felsic: There's all these different dating apps now, but I have yet to find even one that lets me search for the two qualities I find most important in a potential partner.

Felsic: A pilot's license and forklift certification.

Gareth: ...Could you elaborate on that?

Felsic: No.

[incorrect-ionians]

Logan, sick: [pours Nyquil and orange juice in his coffee]

Hellebore: You would make a fascinating toxicology lesson.

[incorrect-ionians]

Cheetle: Guys, no! These contracts break like fifty laws!

Gareth: There are fifty laws?

[incorrect-ionians]

Zob: Fred just slid a tortilla under my door with an index card on it that says "consider this a warning."

Zob: I legitimately have no idea what to do with this development.

[incorrect-ionians]

Victor: Just came up with a really good four-word horror story, but I don’t know if you guys are ready for it.

Victor: "Two cups vanilla extract."

Pinchy: Okay, but what did they cook after they drank two cups of vanilla extract?

Ares: Wow! I’ve never seen someone invent a whole new type of sin in just fourteen words before!  

[incorrect-ionians]

Logan: Who the hell's reading fanfic about multi-level marketing?

Piper: Wrong MLM, buddy.

[incorrect-ionians]

The Bomb, leaning against a doorframe: Unfortunately, due to factors beyond my control, I have a serious medical condition called "too much swag."

[incorrect-ionians]

Felsic: One day, I will be strong and punch the sun.

Eli: I’m... pretty sure that’s not possible.

Felsic: I will punch it!

Eli: Look, buddy. If you try punching the sun, your hand is just gonna get burned up. Not really sure what you’re expecting here.

Felsic: I’m gonna punch it real hard!!

[incorrect-ionians]

Peekel: Ees friends, right?

Mottle: Normally I'd say "yes" without hesitation, but I feel like this is leading up to something and I'm not sure I like where.

Peekel: Okay, ees test that.

[a couple minutes later...]

Skagzag: The hell am I looking at...?

Mottle, trying to pry Peekel's skull out of a rotisserie chicken: The price of friendship.

[incorrect-ionians]

Felsic: Sometimes I'm like, "I should buy some orange juice. I love it. I don't know why we never have it in the ship."

Felsic: And then I get some.

Felsic: And I remember it's because some kind of dormant Scurvy Prevention Instinct activates within me like a sleeper agent trained to seek and destroy, except it's just me standing in front of the open fridge at two in the morning, chugging juice straight out of the carton like a crazed citrus gremlin.

[incorrect-ionians]

Hellebore: I have the heart of a lion, the lungs of a cheetah…

Dash: And a lifetime ban from the Llwendolyn Zoo.

[incorrect-ionians]

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Victor: No.

Judge:

Judge, covering the mic: what do i do?

[incorrect-ionians]

Hellebore: Never ever egg the wrong house...

Kopi: YOU THREW A BRICK THROUGH MY WINDOW, NOT A FUCKING EGG!!!

Hellebore: It was dark and I dropped an egg and I couldn’t see what I was picking up!

Kopi: HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL A BRICK FROM AN EGG???

[incorrect-ionians]

Skagzag: Imagine sticking your tongue on a stranger's car on a cold day and getting stuck.

Mottle: Why...?

Skagzag: To ruin everyone's day. Imagine being late for work because of that. Just calling in like, "hey, sorry, I'll be late today. Some idiot got stuck on my car."

Klernt: I'd probably just get in, lock the doors, and drive.

Peekel: Ooh, ees brutal.

[incorrect-ionians]

Kyuubi: I think life would be better if everyone was sillier.

Kyuubi: I used a marker pen to change the label on the oat milk so it says "boat milk" and now I crack up every time I open the fridge.

[incorrect-ionians]

Zugg: Hey, could you take a look at this for me?

Heiro: A look at what, exactly?

Zugg: I was thinking we could get around the city better if we had some kind of small vehicle. We don’t have the money for a bike, but the voidyard foreman’s got an old tricycle and a chainsaw she said I could take apart.

Zugg, holding up a diagram he drew: A chainsaw has a spinny part to cut things, right? So like, if it were spinning a bike chain attached to the wheels instead, that’d probably make the thing go!

Heiro: That’s actually not a bad idea. I think it would work, if well-executed.

Zugg: Awesome! Wanna help me build it?

Heiro: Totally.

[the next day...]

The Bomb: [sitting on a bench]

Zugg, motoring by on the finished contraption: Hey, Bomb!

Heiro, standing on the back: Sup.

Zugg: Look! We built a chainsaw tricycle thingy!

The Bomb: That’s cool! Also kinda loud.

Zugg: That’s to drown out the haters!

Zugg: [puts on sunglasses and guns it]

[incorrect-ionians]

Kopi: I put the fires out.

Tontu: You made them worse!

Kopi: "Worse?" Or "better?"

Tontu: