incorporealentity

[incorporealentity]

adhd is like every few days you get a strong sudden impulse to do one particular thing and you make elaborate plans for it but after three hours you havent done it so instead you all at once lose any interest and begin to experience soul crushing depression for the next few days during which you lose the ability to do ANYTHING let alone take care of yourself and whenever you think about your three-hour hyperfixation you feel horrendous stomach churning guilt

[incorporealentity]

me: *breaks down crying in the privacy of my own home*

my brain: you’re faking your emotions for attention. you’re just doing this because you think it makes for a cool personal narrative

[incorporealentity]

i literally can’t stop thinking abt that richard siken quote where he falls to the floor crying but all he can focus on is the details of the wall in front of him

[incorporealentity]

adhd is having super amplified introspection yet zero self-awareness or decision making skills. i literally never stop overthinking absolutely everything but if you ask me how i am? i dont know. am i enjoying myself? i dont know. my opinion? i dont know. my favorite? i dont know. am i lying? i dont know. do i want this? i dont know. trust my gut feeling? it changes every second. which of these is better? i cant breathe. just pick one? eating glass would hurt less

[incorporealentity]

How to get over past mistakes

1. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, does things wrongs, and has moments of regret. There are no perfect people out there. In that sense, you are just the same as everybody else.

2. Remind yourself that “that was then, and this is now”. You can’t turn back the clocks and change what you did, but you can be a different person in the future.

3. Allow yourself to experience and name the feelings you are struggling with (regret, guilt, shame, disappointment, embarrassment, sadness, etc.) – then make the decision to let those feelings go. In the end, it’s unhealthy to become attached to them.

4. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation. What would you do differently if you found yourself in that situation again? How can it change the person you are now (so that you feel better about yourself)?

5. Recognise that failings and mistakes are part of the growth process. It’s inevitable that you’ll encounter obstacles, challenges and failures throughout life. Don’t let that stop you from really living life.

6. Remind yourself that “it was what you did, it’s not who you are.” Don’t allow any single event or experience to define you. You are more than – so don’t let that become your identity. Don’t let it determine your destiny.  

7. Give yourself the gift of a new start. Forgive yourself, let go of the past, and with confidence move on with your life.

[incorporealentity]

can’t. not explain things. really, stupid difficult to not answer what i interpret as a question or a misunderstanding. dumbass habit and action, sounds aggressive, don’t know how to leave well enough alone if i get a bad response. bad at not reading the responses i know are bad. stupid.

[incorporealentity]

me: compulsively switches between the same 4 apps for 12 hours straight because i’m absolutely incapable of being left alone w my thoughts

[incorporealentity]

Anxiety: I am worried about this thing.

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: No energy. No get-up-and-go.

Anxiety: Gotta do it.

Depression: Nope. Too tired.

Anxiety: Gotta do it.

Depression: Can barely do it. Can’t do it right and proper and up to your standards, so no, don’t do it.

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: Even if we fix this thing, you’ll just get equally scared about something else.

Anxiety: You should definitely do something to fix it right now.

Depression: … No.

(repeat a thousand more times)

[incorporealentity]

You know what really sucks about foreshortened future? You’re never prepared for shit and you’re always running around trying to do things at the last minute.

For the last eight years, I’ve been 100% sure for most of the year that I would somehow die before Christmas came, so to me, it wasn’t real. It didn’t exist. So I didn’t decorate, didn’t buy any gifts (or if I did buy them, I didn’t wrap them), didn’t decorate my tree, didn’t watch any cheesy holiday movies. Absolutely nothing. And it was extra weird because at work, I was surrounded by customers who were buying decorations and gifts starting at the end of October, talking excitedly to me about their holiday plans. And I was excited for them, I was happy for them, because I knew they would live to see Christmas. It was real for them, but not for me.

And then it got to be like, December 22nd, and it suddenly hit me that I’m probably not going to die just yet and I should maybe, you know, get a couple of gifts and throw some lights up here and there so that my family could at least have some semblance of a nice cozy Christmas. So there I am doing all my shopping and decorating on Christmas Eve even though my thoughts have already turned to “well, I’m going to die before next Christmas, so I shouldn’t bother buying new lights or wrapping paper.”

Same shit with every other holiday I celebrate, with going on trips, going to cons, even with preparing for seasonal changes like buying sweaters when they’re on sale in summer because I’m going to die before winter so what’s the point? And even after this happens eight, nine, ten times, it doesn’t change. Even though I survived the last eight Christmases, I’m not going to make it to this one, so why bother?

It’s bullshit and I’m never prepared for anything because my brain can’t comprehend the concept of anything actually being real for me if it’s more than two weeks away from happening. Combine that with executive dysfunction and even the opposite action “just do it even if it doesn’t feel real!” approach does fuckall.

[incorporealentity]

they have been to the moon i’m just a caterpillar dead in my cocoon swept by my mind’s typhoon and i’m all at sea

[incorporealentity]

New comics are coming

[incorporealentity]

anyway iam keeps trying to just lean right the fuck into the uhh -- fear of being seen as an asshole, i guess? not that they’re trying to be seen as an asshole but they think we need More Confidence and we need to Put Ourselves Out There More and Not Be Terrified Of Making Mistakes so they just. say shit. do shit. start doing shit.

and then they get fully out of front and i’m like “what the fuck have we done” because guess what

i’m terrified of making mistakes

[incorporealentity]

ok are we just having a fucking?? phase??? of Wanting To Externalize Everything Publicly???? iam decides to make a blog, chills out for a while to avoid burnout, when we come back to it we freak out about the blog because that seems like a bad idea -- and then as soon as we consider coming back over here to make a vent post about that It’s Fine And We’re Fine

just gotta. say my piece and then my piece ceases to need to be said i guess. the fuck

[incorporealentity]

how do i tell someone i feel worthless without them feeling like im trying 2 guilt them into treating me special

[incorporealentity]

i made art again today im proud of myself

[incorporealentity]

Fixing it after it starts isn’t enough I need to find a way to stop it happening when I’m in a place where I can’t fix it i can’t fucking stop and draw a picture and listen to music at work