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[imfreakingbored]

My podcast

As you may have seen from one of my earlier posts, I have been watching a lot of new films during furlough - and I keep doing that til this very day. However, it doesn’t always have to be new movies, I can also occasionally rewatch the ones I have already seen a bunch of times. Movies have for the past few years really been a beacon of light in my life, something I use for both entertainment and as a weapon against depression. There aren’t very many things on this Earth that I love more than I love films.

So I thought.. Why not start a podcast? And that’s exactly what I did. I update it regularly - and the next episode is coming out today! Be sure to check it out:

https://anchor.fm/perksofamoviebuff

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I’ve been away

For about a month now, I have been busy. I cannot believe that it’s been like a month since I stopped just sitting at home. When I was put on furlough, I thought it was the worst thing ever because I really wanted to work- and get a full salary of course. However, during that time I did keep busy - I lost a bunch of weight, I got myself a nice bike, I got interested in the idea of podcasting.

Being on furlough I got so used to just waking up whenever I wanted to. Knowing myself it was still fairly early most days - like 8 or 9 AM - but I did enjoy not having to really put on an alarm clock. I got a little too used to being on a temporary holiday for months - that going back to work at the start of September was a bit of a shock. Granted, I don’t have to wake up at 6 AM like I used to to catch the morning train - but 7 AM is still really early. Just ask my niece.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: I don’t live on my own anymore. As of late August my niece has been staying with me. It’s nice to not be alone all the time anymore, but at the same time weird to be in a small apartment such as mine together. We are looking to move however - so hopefully in a few months we will be away from here.

For the next month or so I will be focusing on several things:

1. Finding a new job (as reducements are happening all over the place)

2. Finding a new flat and moving when I can

3. Putting aside money

4. Focusing on my appearance (losing more weight, getting a new haircut).

Hopefully this all will keep my busy for a while. Because that’s what I am these days. Absolutely and utterly busy. I always have something going on on the background, some project I have in the works. Hopefully will be able to give some exciting updates soon!

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Why I don’t really read

I have always loved books. As a child they were my key to unknown worlds. When I discovered a good story like the Kalle Blomkvist tales or the Children of the Noisy Village I could read the whole night. However, I didn’t go through stories with as easily as Matilda, and I wasn’t by any means at the top of my class when it came to reading. When we did tests on books like Animal Farm, I had to rely on classmates who HAD read the entire book. Sadly for me, the teacher was too smart and totally failed me when she realised I didn’t know the names of all of the three dogs in the story.

Because it’s with such little details that you see if someone has read. When it comes to the Twilight books, you can ask what the color of Rosalie’s car was or what’s the name of Bella’s mother’s new husband. Attentive readers will know.

I didn’t have such an attention with every story, but I did with some. As I grew to a teenager, a book was always in my bag. People in the bus often saw me with my nose in the book and commented how refreshing it was to see a young person READ. “They never do anymore these days.” they said to me. “Don’t ever lose that.”

I wish I had listened to these words back then. Sadly, looking back now I can say the early reading struggles began for me in high school. In Estonia, one of the biggest exams is writing an essay which is your way to show your viewpoint, maturity and how much you have actually read. I had a lot of the first, a little less of the second and not nearly enough of the third. I had barely finished reading Hamlet, and had not even halfway finished Goethe’s “Faust”. All I really had in my arsenal was some extra reading like Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. It was great shooting material for sure, a book I still very very much love - but it was nowhere nearly enough.

I chocked. I got nervous. I relied primarily on my writing talent whilst everything else turned out to be so much more important. So when it came to the actual grading, classmates of mine with far less writing talent got high marks and I got an average one. Funnily enough, the best writers in our class alongside with me all got marks that were nowhere near fair.

This did not help to make my relationship with books better, but luckily also didn’t erase my love for literature. When I finally went to uni and studied it, I really loved it. Mind you, I didn’t always finish the class reading - but when I did I had the best time. And even if I had only barely touched a book I was sometimes successfully able to analyze it’s structure. When I did fully read something though, I always got a straight A.

I pushed through a lot of books, sometimes more eagerly and sometimes less so. When it came to my final thesis, I don’t think I read nearly as much as I should have and so I basically ended up with an average grade yet again.

After university, I still sometimes read. However, I came to find that it was easier to actually go through stories with audiobooks - or sometimes even movies or TV shows. I have seen adaptations of stories like Big Little Lies and Me Before You before I ever touched the books. I still have a lot of books, so many I could probably build a throne out of all of them. But I hardly actually use them for what they were meant for.

I do sometimes wonder how I actually ended up studying literature when I hardly ever read these days. Last year I didn’t even finish a book. It seems to me that I have somehow lost a part of myself that I don’t really know how to get back.

When 2020 began, I set myself goals about doing stuff that I used to do. Funnily enough, I have painted. I have made drawings. I have even started to cycle and cook more. I even sing more. But I don’t read.

At the same time I have over 40 audiobooks in my library. I love to listen to others read stories like the Harry Potter Books or the Millennium trilogy. But I miss that voice in my head when I read a book. I miss that imagination I had when I was going through a story. Those things are erased when you let someone else take control of your reading experience.

It’s really sad come to think of that. I know it’s not just me that is struggling. It’s a lot of young people these days. Our attention spans are short, and we cannot commit easily to holding something like a book in our hands for a long time. For past generations books were the main forms of entertainment - but not for us. For us everything is so visual. Youtube videos, movies, TV shows. Binge, binge, binge. You don’t have to imagine anything. You don’t even have to cut open the cake anymore - a piece of it is handed to you just like that.

But what if I want to actually cut open the cake for myself and see what is inside? What if I want to be a writer and actually bake the cake myself? What do I do? It used to be so easy, so simple - and now it’s so difficult. But there has to be a way. Even if I have to leave hundreds of unfinished books behind for a while, I will forever be trying until I find a way. Until I can connect again with that part of me that actually loved books for what they were. Not for how good the covers look, or how famous the author was - but for the stories inside. For that really is the true value of books.

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Watching a new movie

At the very start of this lockdown I set myself a goal. It was to watch a new movie every day. Whilst perhaps not the most useful of goals, I knew it was something I would be able to do as watching movies is something I really love to do.

I’ve watched close to 900 movies during my lifetime (and yes, I actually counted that). I suppose you could definitely say that I am a movie buff, although I always feel I haven’t watched enough of them to earn that title.Therefore, a challenge like this made sense.

As you can see from the picture above (if you actually bothered to count) I have actually watched 56 movies during the last few months of quarantine. This does not include films that I watched again or ones that I did not finish. Some Netflix movies were just too much for me.

Whilst this overall number may be a tiny bit smaller number than I expected, it is a much higher amount of movies than I would have watched if I wasn’t in quarantine. Above all, it reminds me of the fact that I do actually have the perseverance to take on challenges and complete them.

This is definitely not the end of this challenge (because let’s face it, I would be even more bored without it). Let’s see how many movies I will have watched once quarantine is over - because I for one am very curious to find out.

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The Dangers of Living Alone - An Essay

It’s the early afternoon. I’ve just arrived back from my long walk in the forest - my daily exercise that I cannot do without. I took it a little earlier than usual today, knowing well that the financial future of me and millions of others would be announced live on parliament around lunchtime.

My Whatsapp is going absolutely crazy. The usually quiet group with my colleagues is especially active.

“I’m so happy they will keep it at 80%!” one of them writes. “I was so convinced they would put us on 60%!”

Without a second thought I call my parents. Whilst the phone connects, I shed a few quiet tears and wipe them away the second I hear the familiar voice of my dad. “They extended the furlough scheme til October!” I say, sounding unnaturally chipper. “I’ll get 80% of my pay til then!”

“Until October?” my mum asks. “Why is it taking so long? Everything is already opening up here!”

“Mum,” I say, “It’s a good thing. They could have just axed it or put us on 60%! Believe me - it’s good.”

I suppose I can’t expect my already fully working mother in Estonia to understand me. With less than 2000 cases and less than 100 deaths, Estonia has had it a lot easier than other countries. From this Monday, malls are already opening and people are returning to work.

All this while I’m stuck at home in the UK. For days I’ve been wondering what my financial future will be like. It’s not easy to depend on the government like this, especially when the media clearly implies they could axe you at any moment.

“The furlough scheme will be cut down to 60% from July.” one article I recently saw said.

“6 million people could lose their jobs as a result of the furlough scheme ending.” said another title.

I’ve never seen such fearmongering in my life, especially at a time when the country desperately needs hope. I try to ignore the news, but it always finds its way to me through the texts I get from people I know. I try not to let it get to me, but eventually dark thoughts do start to circle around my head. And the fact that it’s just me here, day by day, makes it even worse.

When I moved here three years ago it seemed like a dream. Looking around on the internet I somehow stumbled upon a flat in an area I had never heard of. It had nice English houses that had gardens with rose bushes and hydrangeas. Within a five minute walk there was a forest, and a fifteen minute train ride the city centre. I was in between the countryside and the city - and I loved it.

But above all I loved being in charge. Ever since I first decided that living with other people was just too much, I started to dream of a place where I could decide where all the furniture and decorations went. Before I found this flat, a friend of mine actually offered me to rent a room with him.

“No, thanks,” I said “I want to decide where everything goes and I can’t do it with you.”

And decide I did. I got plates with a beautiful design, ceramic bowls and oven pans, and plenty of cups to release my inner fan girl. I put fairy lights around my headboard just like I’d always wanted. My flat wasn’t a perfect place, but it sure was a home.

My colleagues at the time noted I was more relaxed and happier ever since I moved in. I had a bunch of people over just because I could - and I was finally able to pay all of my bills and taxes and take care of everything myself. I felt like a proper adult.

There was so much magic in here when I first moved in - and yet, now there isn’t much of it left at all. I sit here, day by day, alone. Other people I know are isolating together. With parents, boyfriends or girlfriends. They paint their houses together, go to walks together. I see families like that outside all the time.

If I didn’t take trips to the forest or supermarket I wouldn’t see anyone. I last saw my parents in February, right before the outbreak really started in Europe. Right now I honestly don’t know when I’ll see them next - and it breaks me up inside.

Now that the lockdown easing announcement has been made, I see people joking around. No one really understands what the rules are.

“Can I see one parent in the morning and another in the evening?” I see one person ask.

“Should I just hire my family members as cleaners so they could come to my house?” someone else wonders.

They’re joking around really, I know. It’s harmless. But I don’t feel like joining in. This whole situation makes me angry. On Sunday it was said I can now play football with members of my household. Well - what if my household is just me? Do I just stay away from other people indefinitely? Do I just keep 2 meters apart forever? According to the news I might have to - unless a cure is found.

Most people have no idea what it’s like to go through all of this alone. Without anyone holding you and telling you it’ll be okay. Without anyone making you breakfast when you feel down. I have to deal with all of this alone.

How do you tell yourself it’ll be okay when you don’t really believe it? How do you deal with the fact that you don’t know when the next time you share a breakfast is? I must admit that I already do feel depressed, and all of this is just making it worse.

So I shut out the news. I watch movies that make me feel good. I make extra coffee if my stomach can handle it. I paint, I write, I take photos. Occasionally, I even read. I survive like I always have - alone.

But I have to admit that living alone during this pandemic has really put me off it.  Losing a job is much more catastrophic when you live alone - and the only way to interact with your loved ones is to stare at their faces on the screen. And when you bake muffins you are stuck eating then - alone.

Just like I started to hate living with someone, I now hate living alone. Despite the fact that I still live in a modern English paradise, I’ve gone through some of my darkest periods here. I’ve eaten so much crap I lost count, I’ve spent days and days in disarray and misery. Or, simply, just in bed.

So even if it’s a flatmate or simply just a cat, I have to stop living alone. Loneliness is not good, not for anyone.

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It’s a war!

I love Spider-Man. Love him. Always have, always will. He is single handedly one of the best heroes in the Marvel Universe. But.. I hate spiders.

Spiders are not necessarily the worst bugs you can ever come across. As I was a young girl, the flat I lived in was infested with cockroaches. It got so out of hand that we had to have the flat completely cleaned out several times. I also once saw little worms crawl all over my grandma’s flat which probably freaked me out for a lifetime. 

And yet I was still not prepared for what I experienced yesterday. As I was laying down on my bed, I suddenly saw a little spider crawling towards me at rapid speed! I screamed and jumped out of the bed.

As I later investigated my flat, I saw that spiders had completely infested a lot of secret spots in my flat I don’t always check. Behind the closet. High above the kitchen cabinets. All around the fire exit behind my bathroom. To my absolute horror, some of these little fellows had actually grown rather massive - to the kind of spiders I always feared the most as a child. The spiders with the really long legs.

Basically, I was like Ron Weasley in the second Harry Potter movie. I was living in the kingdom of spiders.

My best friend told me to get some bug spray and get the problem sorted like that. However, unlucky for me the store nearby didn’t have any. And considering that spiders quite often like to live in secret spots above the ceiling, it doesn’t really help when you are not tall enough to spray that high.

But lucky for me I do have my trusty vacuum cleaner with me. All I had to do was to turn it on and go over all the corners with the pipe. I found a lot more spiders than I expected - and to my surprise, I was able to kill them all.

I emerged victorious, feeling both like a hero and a mass murderer. I suppose that is what it feels like when you win the Spider Hunger Games.

Except, I am not entirely sure that I did. This morning when I woke up I noticed some more spider webs behind my blinds and elsewhere. I had merely won the battle, not the war. Lucky for me I suppose that I am home at all times - because I might be dealing with this problem for a while. Had I not discovered it now, I might have had to deal with even a bigger amount of spiders. At least by the end of it all, my flat will be cleaner than it ever has been before.

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Lazy

So my first week in furlough is coming to a close. And I must say, what I knew would happen has actually happened. I have been constantly, and sometimes even extremely lazy.

I have watched just a couple new movies this week instead of the usual 10 (at the very least). I have not progressed nearly as well with the cleaning of my flat as I would have liked to. And above all, besides regular walks i have not done as much exercising as I used to.

But the worst of all, I have done something I hoped I would never do during this lockdown. I have been bored.

I have definitely had reasons to feel disappointed in myself you could say. I set high, perhaps even too high, goals for the quarantine. Perhaps I didn’t just want to come out as a better person, but a superwoman.

But despite the resilience I always expect of myself, I sometimes have to remind myself that I am just a human. It’s great to set goals and you should do it - but if you set them too high all at once you just complicate things.

This will happen. Me being bored and occasionally just lazying about. Everyone is doing it during the lockdown. In fact, resting should for sure be apart of the quarantine menu. When I think of myself exactly a year ago, I was in a much much worse situation. I was absolutely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I was so depressed I had nosebleeds at times. I felt underappreciated, incompetent, pushed to my absolute limits. I was a wreck.

I always envied people who could just take massively long holidays and go to the other side of the world. I wondered what it would actually be like to have an entire month off. It’s not been like this for many years. But it is now.

With things such as these it is also important to forgive yourself and just move forward. And focus on the postive. So.. what have I done well this week?

1. I am getting better at latte art and my homemade coffee tastes better than what I had at work.

2. I actually finally opened a book and started reading it. And I liked it!

3. I started cleaning and rearranging my flat.

4. I decided maybe it may be time to finally adopt a cat and started bonding with the cat I chose to possibly adopt (more on that later)

5. This is yet another week that went by without me using any sugar. I even resisted baking a bunch of cupcakes!

6. I started drinking water much more.

7. For the first time in many years, I started working on getting a tan. And by the color of my arms, it seems to be working!

All in all, I cannot say it’s been a wasted week. Maybe it’s just me being critical that not all the goals I achieved were the ones I set for myself - or rather, I ended up doing things I did not expect to do. All in all, this week is still a step forward towards a brighter future.

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Why it’s good to have a BFF in Gerda

No, not literally. Gerda hasn’t eaten anyone.

I’m the one who you should blame. I weighed myself today and I’m 85kg. Last November I was 75kg. Seems I could learn a thing or two from Gerda!

At least I know the reason I weigh this.

That’s the wonderful thing about the Universe.

It’s been so clear with us this year.

If something isn’t top-top, the reason is usually obvious. That leads me to the point of this post: my inspiration, and bestie, Gerda.

Obviously.

I found a friend in Gerda back in 2012 during my high school final exams which I was supposed to be studying but instead I was on Merlin Wiki. Totally worth it.

That soon evolved to BFF after all kinds of cyber adventures along the way. Friends, foes, unicorns, dragons and ok, I admit it... burritos.

To this day, Gerda takes my breath away. If it isn’t her ability to listen (should I call you the woman with the iron ear or does that not ‘steel’ the show enough? Hehe), it’s everything else below.

Are you ready, The Magnificent Gerda?

I could send 200 messages at once and it wouldn’t scare Gerda away. Gerda focuses on the good in people, understands, forgives, and has demonstrated unwavering resilience. To this day.

A rare and commendable quality.

I can turn to Gerda anytime for anything... the sky is the limit.

The most obvious thing is a top quality conversation at any hour, uncompromising, then there’s her golden artist’s hand, her platinum writer’s hand, relationship wisdom, design vision, encyclopedic villain knowledge, language skills, spiritual clarity, leadership abilities and communication badassery.

We’re talking about someone raised in a fervent Church who did a Masters in Literature with a thesis on VILLAINS!!!!

Someone who moved to a country long-term speaking a different language and built a life all by herself. Has happily lived by herself for years now and definitely not looked outward for comfort, but rather learnt to love her own company (and soon another’s).

Someone who has worked her way from one completely different job to the other and changed her entire life situation in a VERY short amount of time using incredible willpower, belief in herself and others, all during one of the hardest imaginable times.

Sent me packages made with unimaginable love. Packages that would be the talk of the village if we were to live in villages.

Omg! they’d say, who has a friend like that?

That’s not even all... someone who broke the drudgery, stale tide at Manchester city Toastmasters, ate the cliques as a side dish (with Steve as the breakfast), all while graciously speaking up to represent those who may have not had a voice.

You went from a shy girl who wanted to run out of the room like a mouse, to the comedic star, the most colourful, outfit-diverse president to date, the queen of dress ups and the Gandalf of the room with your dazzling, out-of-the-box speeches which dared to cross the line of reality.... whatever that is!!!

And NOW YOU’RE AREA DIRECTOR!!!!

I’ve found a friend in a gifted young lady named Gerda... that is just a piece of who she is.

And did I mention she’s actually watched 37 movies in just a couple weeks?

How blessed I am to know Gerda.

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Furlough day 1

It’s a sentence I’ve repeated many times. Whether it was genuine or a way of being lazy, I have used this sentence more times than I can count. I lost the track of it a long time ago.

Ever since I was a child there have been about a million things I always wanted to do. Some of them I actually did, some I got started on and never finished. There was a time when my drawers were full of letters to my friends and family that I started writing but didn’t actually send out.

Over time as I progressed with school and eventually work, I didn’t have the time for many things I actually wanted to do. Or at least, I said I didn’t. Whether it was actually cleaning my flat, getting started on that list of recommended films and TV shows, or finally finishing the novel that’s been in my drawer for years. I can tell you for sure: with where I am at the moment Stephen King wouldn’t be proud of me.

I, just like most people in the world, didn’t see COVID19 hitting us so hard at all. I did complain a lot at first, just like many others did - until I realized this is an opportunity for me to finally focus on myself.

Today is my official first day of furlough. I must say it feels weird, as I am used to starting work at 8 am - and today is the first time in months that I’m not. For all I know, this could be going on for months.

And whilst I cannot promise that I will do absolutely everything I always wanted, getting started on it’s own is a massive step forward. I want to keep busy, whilst also allowing myself the holiday I’ve needed for months.

All I know is, when each day ends I don’t want to think: “Well, I didn’t actually do anything today.” I want each day to be a step forward, whether it be big or small.

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What I’ve done so far..

So it has soon almost been a month that I have been at home. A month! I know it’s not that long ago that I was still working in my office but now it honestly feels like it was ages ago.

I’m not going to lie - quite a lot of this time has been filled with laziness. On some days the only useful thing I did was my job. From 8 to 4 I was stuck in my so called “home office” answering calls and e-mails from customers. After that, I mostly just stayed at home.

But it hasn’t all been a waste. Surprisingly, during this month I have already achieved some things that previously seemed impossible.

For one, I have lost a noticeable amount of weight. Since the start of this year I have lost 15 kg already - and quite a lot of it I lost whilst stuck at home. It’s hard for me to put to words how hopeless I felt when they closed all the gyms in the UK, partially because I just thought that losing weight at home is impossible.

Actually, it’s not. Sure, it may not happen the way it does when you work out in the gym, but there are still plenty of ways. There are hundreds of workout videos you can use for one - or you can still go out for a walk. My walks to the local forest are always the best part of my day.

I have also managed to watch 37 new movies in just a few weeks! Despite me having seen over 800 movies in my lifetime, I still always feel like I haven’t seen enough. Luckily, I have 4 streaming services. Yes - FOUR. Netflix, Amazon Prime, NowTV and Disney+...

So it’s safe to say I will probably stay busy for quite a while.

But the thing is, even with so many movies to see I have to find other things to do. A friend of mine living in Italy put it the best. He said:

“Learn some new hobbies. It’s the only way you can get through this.”

And he is right. What can I learn during this time that I previously haven’t? What new hobbies can I get? Keep reading to see what I come up with.

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Stuck

So I got the news this week. Like many people in the UK, I am now stuck at home unable to work. And for someone who has worked for many years now this is a scary prospect. Not so much financially, as it all came down to this simple question:

What will I do with all this time?

I used to always say: “Oh, I don’t have time for this.”. But now that I have all the time in the world I am not sure what to really do with that. Like almost everyone alive today, I have things that I always wanted to do but never really did. I don’t even know why. This may be the best time ever to do it all.

I have already started with cleaning my flat and I set myself a goal of watching one new movie every day. But there is also reading, writing, baking, drawing, exercising and many other things that I can do now that I have all of this free time.

It all comes down to a question: who do I want to be when the quarantine ends? I’d like to think I’ll be a better version of myself - a more confident and resilient individual.

And to make sure I never forget this journey, I decided to keep a blog of it all. Once things change, once the world moves on from all of this and everything gets busier again it will be easy to forget what this time taught us. I think it would actually be pretty cool if I could have something to look back at - even if some of it is complete and utter nonsense.