imaskylorsaurus

[imaskylorsaurus]

people love to imagine what they would have done in germany during WW2 and like fam i've seen how youve been acting towards jewish people the last couple years and. well.

[imaskylorsaurus]

Mercury’s in retrograde

I’m texting my ex

It’s been eight weeks since I’ve last had sex

[imaskylorsaurus]

Why are there so many children at this AJR concert? I can’t hit my penjamin in this environment.

[imaskylorsaurus]

Like 3.5 years ago I had sex in the back seat of my car and yesterday I cleaned my back seats (vacuumed, used upholstery cleaner, vacuumed again) for the first time since then, so sorry to everyone who sat in my back seat the past 3.5 years

[imaskylorsaurus]

Living in California might be expensive but when I can’t decide what I want for dinner I can get legally stoned, walk to Trader Joe’s, and let Joe tell me what I should make for dinner.

[imaskylorsaurus]

Turns out she was trans and queer

Can someone help me figure out if my boyfriend is

1) scared of intamacy

2) a homosexual

3) just taking covid precautions

[imaskylorsaurus]

Kind of sad my relationship is on the rocks, but glad I don’t need to shave my pussy anymore

[imaskylorsaurus]

I don’t know what my type is. I’ve literally fucked a cop and a drug dealer within a 12 month period.

[imaskylorsaurus]

Currently writing y grad school application that’s due at midnight on the bathroom floor with a dildo inside of me . How’s everyone else’s Monday going?

[imaskylorsaurus]

If anyone wants to know how long my off/on situationship has lasted, I just discovered the movie theater we used to get freaky deaky in closed 6 months ago.

[imaskylorsaurus]

*working retail*

Customer: hi, I’d like to return these pants

Me: of course, was there anything wrong with them

Customer: they’re high waisted

Me: I feel like you just called me old

[imaskylorsaurus]

*sends spicy selfies to my situationship unprompted*

Me: am I ovulating?

[imaskylorsaurus]

So I recently took my first ever retail job after working in corporate for several years, falling victim to layoffs, and running out of savings.

There has been a lot of shocks, but the lack of hard drug use completely shocked me. When I worked in corporate all my work friends were getting fucked up on hard stuff on the weekends. I recently went to a party with my new work friends and discovered that I was the only one of the bunch who had ever tried shrooms. I also found out I was the only one in the group who has slept with their drug dealer.

[imaskylorsaurus]

Can someone explain to me how all 3 of these jeans are my size

Please someone make it make sense

[imaskylorsaurus]

Dear universe, i am currently waiting for a Walmart employee to unlock the pregnancy tests. If there is any moment to start my period now would be the moment.

[imaskylorsaurus]

I tried prunes for the first time ever today and so far

They made my tummy hurt

I am farting more than I’ve ever farted in my life

My farts smell like old people

I finally know how old people get that old people smell. It’s prunes.

[imaskylorsaurus]

My little sister has some friends over and one of them said that 26 was almost 30 and I whipped my 25 year old head around so fast I think I gave myself whiplash