icyousmiling

[icyousmiling]

Hello darkness my old friend.

Being that its mental health month, I figured now is as good a time as any to open up again...

A conversation with an uncle, a meaningful card from a best friend and another ear splitting, screaming, rolling on the floor tantrum from my challenging threenager and it clicks. Every part of the last year was for a reason, every time I asked why I was doing this to myself and when would I get a break… it all meant something. I’ve been overwhelmed, but I keep doing it to myself over and over…

[icyousmiling]

A sort of break!

Hey hey to those few that follow this blog of mine! Just writing a quick one today, my posts have been sporadic again. Sorry about that, thing is I’m still writing but more on my current journey so I’ll be writing a bit more regularly (and maybe even publicly) on that and I don’t want this to become a student nursing diary as thats not what ‘my friend mental health was intended for’. So for now…

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Self awareness and the double edged sword.

So I know it’s been a good month since I posted last but I’m sure you can forgive me when you think about the intensity of learning about the nursing profession and how much might be on my plate right now.

Learning about being a nurse and the kind of person you have to be has made me realise that actually I have never been more right in my decision to train as one. There is this level of…

[icyousmiling]

The little things...

The little things…

There’s an age old saying that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, easier said than done, right? Also what if the small stuff is actually helping, are we supposed to ignore the positive stuff just cos it’s small? My answer is hell no, details are what make up the whole picture, they can add more to a story, develop character.

In one of many sessions of therapy I’ve had a counsellor talked about…

[icyousmiling]

A journey of self discovery.

A little later than I would usually post but I’m approaching some crazy times in my life as in a few days I start my nursing undergrad which is what this is kind of about. This is also sort of a part 3 to what a pandemic has done for mental health but I felt it deserved a better title than that.

From what it seems like in the news and rumor mills these days, we’re fast approaching another…

[icyousmiling]

What a pandemic has done for mental health... Part 1

What a pandemic has done for mental health… Part 1

When I started to write this I don’t think I realised how much I had to say on the topic, but you know how it is when you start to really express your thoughts… there isn’t always an off switch and in this case I didn’t want people to be practically reading a dissertation of drivel so I opted to break it up a little.

So these posts might be a little on the controversial side as I know not…

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What a pandemic has done for mental health... Part 2

What a pandemic has done for mental health… Part 2

So I wrote a little (or a long depending on how much you enjoy reading) something about the negative impact COVID 19 has had on me and a little on society as a whole, now I could fill my blog with all of the negative experiences I have had or I know others have had, because I know full well there have been a lot of them but I don’t want to dwell too much on the things we cannot change because…

[icyousmiling]

4am thoughts... being an Aries

4am thoughts… being an Aries

Obviously its not 4am now but I thought I would post at a more appropriate time for my somewhat non existent audience.

So its 4am on a Saturday and in typical curse of the creative brain fashion my mind has opted for now to be the time to vent some feelings… some things never change and I guess no matter how ‘well’ I am insomnia will likely always be a dear friend of mine.

I think…

[icyousmiling]

Love yourself and then spread love.

A little excerpt from my crazy brain during lock down, something I think many people can relate to. I’m better now, actually in the best place I’ve ever been sometimes these episodes are like fleeting moments looking back but I guess it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them at the time.

Do you ever wake up and ask yourself 101 questions that might not be relative to that moment in time? Do…

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It doesn't have to be 'just' something.

It doesn’t have to be ‘just’ something.

Hey you, it’s been a while… I don’t have an excuse but god its been a weird year and I figured everyone needs to vent somewhere. Despite the kind of year its been I’ve actually been really lucky, each low has been met by a high and I came out of the UK lock down with more positive than I thought I would ever have. Enough about me though I’m sure that’ll be another post in time!

Today I was…

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Ignorance to the Invisible

This one I wrote a little while ago but managing an entirely new illness on top of third year, extra responsibilities, dissertations and a lot of other time in between that has caused a small delay (more like a couple years) in finishing and sharing this. I cope with my disability a lot differently now a few years on but at the time trying to get people to understand something they couldn’t see…

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To those that should be celebrated more on this day...

To those that should be celebrated more on this day…

Being a mum, I feel blessed that I get to watch someone grow up, that I get to have my legacy on this earth. Sure if you’ve read my other posts you know that there were parts that came with motherhood (i.e. the baby blues) that I could never have predicted. For a while I beat myself up for ever thinking so negatively about my own child, but I know now that it’s the nature of the beast. It comes…

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Contribution to the Stigma...

Contribution to the Stigma…

My writing always came from a place of pain and it always felt invasive and personal, it was like I was sharing parts of myself that weren’t meant to be shared. I guess that’s part of the reason I just stopped posting things here, I never stopped writing I just stopped sharing. I was always so worried about the way that people might talk to me, or look at me, as if I was damaged. For a long time…

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LLL Part 2... The things they say to scare you.

LLL Part 2… The things they say to scare you.

Looking on my Timehop I found that today is exactly a year since we announced the extension of our family, so I thought it only right that I talk about how my second trimester began. 

We sat waiting for our follow up appointment with the midwife, still reeling from the excitement of seeing our little one for the first time, even then it didn’t feel real. When they called my name I’m not sure what…

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Feeling the blues.

I’ve been quiet again I know, but I needed some time. Time to make sense of the things that have been going through my head in more recent times, some of it has just been too raw to post here straight away and I’m always concerned about my no bullshit filter affecting or even influencing someone else’s feelings. I know I probably don’t have that much power but I always have to think about the…

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Lovely little lady...

Lovely little lady…

Since there are three trimesters in pregnancy this will come in 3 instalments, though not necessarily in order of happenings. I had such a tough time in my pregnancy for so many reasons and the whole thing was such a long process, there really is no way to keep things short and sweet. It is all relative though, I swear.

When some people think about babies they see nothing but light and positive…

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Unpause.

I never should have stopped writing. I have so much to say but it’s almost like I’ve forgotten that even if time passes, it’s okay to have some sort of response. It’s like when someone messages you and you read it but you get distracted momentarily, and though you have every intention of replying, you forget. Then 2 days have passed and you remember. Crap! Is it still okay to respond? What do I…