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[iamsunshine21]

Hello! Last night was quite a chilly and icy one for us here. I got done early with work. It was super icy (which is why there was no one ordering food!), and I went to my car and it was a solid brick of ice! I hate snow and cold but I absolutely despise ice! All of the above raises my anxiety to an unmanageable level but ice tops the cake. On top of the shitty weather, I had found after work that the new weight loss plan was not for me after all, and that was very frustrating to me as well. This morning I woke up with pretty high anxiety knowing I needed to go to therapy for my anxiety and it's 40 miles away with icy roads. It took me an hour for a usual 30 minute drive. Even with getting up early and leaving early I was late 😒 I needed to also leave therapy early today because I had orientation for my new program I've been hoping to start in school on Monday the 23! Going to this made my anxiety even higher than it was before because I really wanted to start classes this semester and I knew I would find out if I would be able to at this meeting. While there I learned that I WILL be able to start school this semester! That makes me so incredibly excited because I absolutely hate what I do now and the faster I get done with school the better! After that great news, I decided to join the gym again! I have been putting it off awhile, but I am finally at a point where going to the gym on a regular basis is definitely manageable. I'll be up early tomorrow so this is going to be the end for tonight. If anyone has any tips or suggestions as this is my first blog I'd love to hear them in my suggestions! Ashlee

[iamsunshine21]

New Journey

Hi I’m Ashlee from Wisconsin! I am starting this blog to help keep me accountable in my weight-loss journey and keep my anxiety in check. I will also keep you all posted on other things that are happening in my life as well, but this is primarily going to focus around my weight loss journey and anxiety.

 Before I dive into where I am now, I would like to give you a little background information. I am going to just throw it right out there— I have never been at a healthy weight. I was obese as a very young child, so I don’t have a firm basis of what it feels like to be at a healthy weight. I have ALWAYS loved food. I can remember being as young as 4 or 5 and sneaking up to my grandparents kitchen while they were babysitting me and grabbing doughnuts or an extra sandwich after lunch. My aunt would always sabotage me with going out to eat and as a 4 year old she would get me not 1 but 2 kids’ meals!! My mom would try her hardest to get them to control my eating but there was only so much she could do while she was at work during the day. My grandma and aunt would compromise it with if she is hungry she has to eat. She is a growing child. However, I was definitely growing more wide than I was tall. For as long as I can remember, my mom has tried helping me lose weight. This wasn’t a forceful help to lose weight, it was an accepted I also wanted to lose weight type of help. Slowly she changed me drinking regular sodas to diet sodas, regular calorie things to light options.

By the time I was 15, we had joined Weight Watchers together. Every Saturday morning I’d get up early with my mom and we would go downtown to the Weight Watchers meeting. We found a friend group there and have been going for the past 8 years! Now, I have attended Weight Watchers for the past 8 years but with that I have also gained a whopping 150 lbs. It has a general pattern, I would lose 20 lbs and gain back 50. Every freaking time. A few years after starting Weight Watchers, I found that I had another hurdle to jump over.

At 17, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was put on medication and that kept it in bay for about 5 years and then I had become immune to the medication I was put on. After that, it has been a pretty big struggle for me. In the years since then, I have found that I eat to take away my anxiety. It has been a ‘coping mechanism’ for me. I believe that I have had GAD since I was a very small child and I would sneak up to my grandparents’ kitchen for that extra doughnut or an extra sandwich.

In the past 3 months, my anxiety got to a point where I would no longer go to work, or go to school. I was strictly at home, and I’d eat all day long! I knew I needed to do something and I admitted myself to inpatient care for learning to cope with my anxiety as I knew that sitting at home was not going to lead me to a successful life. I did what I needed to do, I dropped my classes at school (in the middle of the semester, and one class I had only 3 weeks left!), I told my job that I would be going out of state for treatment, and I finally had told my parents and boyfriend what I had decided to do.

While in treatment, I found out an incredible amount about me. I found that I CAN survive without eating 10 times a day, up to 12 cans of Diet Coke in a day, and without being around my family. Going into treatment was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I have become such a better person because of it. I was only inpatient for 2 weeks but I learned what I needed and have continued intensive therapy at a Partial Hospitalization Program. While there I was put through Exposure and Response Prevention therapy and was diagnosed with OCD anxiety. A lot has come together since this therapy, and I am in the best place I’ve been in probably close to 10 years.

Right now in my life, I am starting a new job (as my other job was a very toxic environment for me), I am starting a new weight loss program, and I am continuing to conquer my anxiety on a daily basis. I am looking forward to keeping you updated on a daily basis on this new weight loss journey and the battle of conquering my anxiety!!

  Ashlee from Wisconsin