i-seethetragedythatisblessed

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

It's been two years now. I've been single since I crossed the country, and the days seem to drag on. I don't really know how I feel, and in some ways, I feel completely broken with no real intentions of fixing myself.

i still wonder how someone could think so little as to Cheat on them mas they are arranging your lives together.

Some words still haunt me, like when I said I was stuck you you, or when you used "I could contract HIV anywhere" to support the craigslits creeping.

there are certain a things that I will always wonder if others think the same way.

and there are some people who do.

but I don't think I'll ever understand why these events fell the way they did.

LITERALLY, All you had to do was not text me back.

i don't understand.

i will never understand.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

What really bothers me is I didn’t realize who he was.

He swore he was a great person and loved everyone to the best of his ability,

But he cheated on his wife before he knew she was cheating, and when he found out, he felt a way because he felt he had a right to cheat and she didn’t.

But he kept telling me HIS history with his ex-WIFE was repeating itself with me and he was afraid of what I would do to hurt him.

But he was trying to lure girls on social media to sleep with him while I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he was on Craigslist finding females because social media wasn’t enough game hile I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he was sleeping with girls on the bed he bought for us to sleep on while I was working 2-3 jobs trying to save up to move across the country.

But he knew before I crossed the country that he did not love me.

He did not treat me with love,

And him not kicking me out of the apartment I paid for was NOT doing better than she did to him.

I am extremely angry today.

Stay blessed.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

What Time Is It?

The day I left, time kept moving. The sun continued to rise and fall on opposites sides of the land. The stars soon followed the sun. The sky remained above us.

Nothing stood still.

Here we are today, and time has placed 6 months in between our last breath together. My soul has taken the time to take in the wonders of life. Yet I’ve noticed:

My sun does not shine quite as bright;

and my North Star is over the West coast.

This time tomorrow, the circles will begin making rounds in my head louder than bullets once more. Yet begin hit with these thoughts, the pain is more of an itch; manageable at times, an irritation most, but always a weakness.

Later that night, as my mind begins to fade from reality, I will search for peace once more. My eyes will lower and my mind will find Paradise; bodies entwined under satin sheets, my favorite song playing through his chest, and all of the forehead kisses in the world.

But Paradise will be soon joined by Heaven, and Grace, as I am left to surrender my peace for sidepieces.

The world will fade to black.

A Silent Solitude; where Invisible Tears Fall Loudest

I fall into paralysis.

And so it begins

Shake

Sweat

Breathe

Sweat

Open your eyes

Breathe

Open your eyes

Shake

BreATHE

SWEAT

OPEN YOUR EYES

breathe..

“What time is it?”

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Almost 10 Years

To be within arms reach of you

To have a conversation that doesn’t end because our device died

To call you a dumbass to your face

To sing a song that held a meaning to us, with each other

To see your eyes tell the same story they did back then

To hold your face close to mine

To see you like the first time

A second time

Almost 10 years later

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

I honestly don’t think there are words to express how badly I am hurt by my own life right now.

The way I am treated.

The way I treat others.

The way I treat myself.

My existence seems futile against the force of the universe.

Where is my strength?

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

The worst part is that you’ve been forgiven.

For wasting my time.

Wasting my money.

Playing with my heart.

You’ve been forgiven.

But i cannot.

For the life of me.

Forgive

Myself

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Sometimes I reflect and wonder where my motivation went..

Were they twins?

Was it a package deal?

Did I miscarry my motivation?

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Being alone has shown me just how big the hole in my soul is.

There is more to my personal closure than hearing those words I think I need to hear. 

My soul is tired of being angry and sad all the time. 

Things must change. 

I am strong enough to do this... I have to be, right? 

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

It is 1am and unfortunately I made time to scroll back to when this was sent..yet now I can’t seem to find the words to describe the reasons why... so I guess here’s all of it....... 

At this time, I was naiive and lost, and I ran to you. My guilty pleasure. My sugar in a citric acid factory.. The one I’ve ran to so many times for comfort and great conversation. Someone who understood me.

This time, I sought shelter in your arms and found the space and time to bury myself in your heart. Through a crack in the window, I let my light shine through, unknowingly disrupting your inner peace. 

For that, I apologize. 

See, because I understand we all have demons in our closet.. but I believe it is not the way we hide the way they are, it is the way we trust enough to let our demons free to play with others.

We spent the years following at arms distance. I just couldn’t take that step with you. Although, listening to you talk to me about how I was the one, yet having to watch you grow, get married, and self-destruct when you were relationship with another person made you unforgettable. Take that how you wish; If the shoe fits.

Although, you lingered on mind mind for years. 

Eventually, I watched your face walk by as strangers on the streets as the echoes of your laugh made my legs tremble as they passed. 

At the time, I swore I needed to tell you, but I thought I could never open myself to the thought of losing someone like you to something as petty as a crush...

 Yet, here I am almost 3 years later reading this message that I made no effort into, nor could I even place my name on... And it fills me with regret. 

Because maybe those 5 words should have been narrowed down to 3, and maybe I should have said it instead of read it, and MAYBE I should’ve known that bridges cannot be rebuilt after a foundation is set. 

Our foundation was arms length. We were safely juggling our hearts and heads. 

There my heart and head stayed balanced. 

Floating.

Foggy.

Free.

I think I love you. Like, forreals.....

Thank you so much it really means a lot to me feel free to hit me up anytime

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Miscarriage Mama

Mother’s Day is extremely hard for me. For some reason, with all of the “miscarriage mothers are mothers, too,” Mother’s Day always makes me feel a sense of shame. 

I was supposed to keep her alive. 

I was supposed to know my body. 

I was supposed to save her. 

But I couldn’t. And now, every Mother’s Day, I can’t help but think:  “You’d get a Mommy post if you hadn’t let her die” 

“You’d be a mother if you cared about her.” 

“Maybe you’d actually feel something if you hadn’t let her die.” 

And I don't know if this feeling is normal... It has been 5 years; 6 in September. 

I still think about her constantly. 

Does this pain ever go away? 

Will I find happiness in my next child? 

Will I be capable of protecting and raising my next child without this feeling following me? 

Will I ever really have a Happy Mother’s Day?  

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Love is not defined by the way you bandage the wound, but how you clean it.

It’s too late to say this to you but I like you. And maybe I could’ve loved you. But it just wasn’t our time.

If life puts us together again, with the right circumstances, I wouldn’t deny it.

I wouldn’t push you away again.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

I hate Mother’s Day.

I will hate it until I forgive myself. 

I will hate it until I forgive him. 

I will hate it until I forgive you not taking me with you. 

I love you, baby. I will always be your mother. 

Even if you never got the chance to be my child.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

Here I am a year later... Wearing your sweater. Writing your book. Speaking you name. As if nothing has changed so drastically that your memory is not just a shout at the wind. As if you are not just a thought in my mind. As if you actually mattered anymore.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

You’re with me know...  Please don’t break me.  Because I may break you first...  Then myself. 

It’s too late to say this to you but I like you. And maybe I could’ve loved you. But it just wasn’t our time.

If life puts us together again, with the right circumstances, I wouldn’t deny it.

I wouldn’t push you away again.

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

I walked into my mind to find the whispers. Little did I know they were demons that wanted to consume my happiness.

whisperings (via sadlyborn)

[i-seethetragedythatisblessed]

And so she continued to cry........