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this is fucking insane no one in this world will ever look better.
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THROUGH A RAPISTâS EYESâ (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. It may save a life, It may save your life.)
An Article from Neena Susan Thomas
âThrough a rapistâs eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewâŠed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whoâs clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.
5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.
6] Number three is public restrooms.
7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they donât have to worry about getting caught.
8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isnât worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys youâre not worth it.
POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: canât believe it is so cold out here, weâre in for a bad winter. Now that youâve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.
2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said theyâd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4] If someone grabs you, you canât beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh â HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guyâs parts it is extremely painful. You might think that youâll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and heâs out of there.
6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, donât dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but youâd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL âŠ.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from youâŠ. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver wonât see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DONâT DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driverâs side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked âfor helpâ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and itâs better safe than sorry.
If u have compassion reblog this post. âHelping hands are better than Praying Lipsâ â give us your helping hand.
REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog thisâŠ.Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.
THIS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.â
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literally the best writer to ever write.
star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 18
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, youâve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youâve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heâs always wanted to, but what he didnât anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.Â
word count:Â 33K
warnings:Â cursing, drinking, mature content, heavyyyy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, jealousy, unrequited love, mature language, dirty jokes, arguments, whipped hyunjin, a big confrontation, lots of heartbreaks, mentions of diet, mentions of threats, toxic idol culture, a scene of unwarranted sexual advances! (not from hyunjin)
a/n: whew, this is another big chapter and picks up from hyunjin's pov after he moved back to the city, hope that's not confusing! there's a lot of toxicity surrounding idol culture, and features mature language and content throughout. please read the warnings to make sure you're comfortable with everything. this fic has taken a life of it's own, and im really enjoying focusing on yn's character arc, along with the obvious lovestory. this isn't a feel-good chapter, it features a lot of angst and uncomfortable situations, but i promise things will get better after this! anyway, this was very fun to write and picks up on one of my favorite arcs of this story. please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important:Â all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
Five Months Ago.
The electric blue guitar in Hyunjinâs hands felt familiar. He adjusted the strap around his body, he was getting used to the weight of it again. It had been a while since heâd touched it, fingers skimming over the strings. If he focused on this, he could ignore the blaring lights in his face.Â
âStill not used to the spotlight, Jinnie?â Jisung asked, elbowing him in the stomach. Hyunjin doubled over, avoiding another attack from the man, âOuch. The lights are brighter than I rememberâ
âWell, how else will they get our pretty faces on camera?â Jisung grinned, stepping in front of him, and thankfully blocking the heat of the lights.Â
âIâmâŠreally hotâ Hyunjin declared, drops of sweat dripping down his forehead, âI hope they can fix the cooling in hereâ
Jisung sighed, lifting his guitar to help him tune it, taking the weight momentarily off his hands. As he did that, someone stepped up to Hyunjin, a little electric fan and makeup palette in hand, âCan you please hold this? Your makeupâs runningâ
âSorryâ He apologised, even though it was no oneâs fault. The stage equipment and lights made the set far too hot, the air conditioning was broken and theyâd only just begun. Hyunjin couldnât fathom what the full day of filming would look like. He held the little fan to his face, the cool instantly relaxing his muscles with relief, shoulders sagging from tension. Jisung stood between them still, trying to tune his guitar and the makeup lady awkwardly stepped closer, patting down the foundation on Hyunjinâs cheeks, âDid you tan when you were away?â
âUm, I suppose. I was out in the sun a lotâ He responded, but realised quickly that she didnât really want a response. She was berating him because his usual foundation no longer matched him. Her lips pulled into a thin line, âYou should be carefulâ
Hyunjinâs eyebrows shot up. Careful aboutâŠwhat exactly? When he was in Daejon, swimming in the Creek, or lounging away in the sun, his first concern wasnât exactly putting on any heavy sunscreen. He was away from the world ofâŠsuch.
âHe just doesnât know his face would cost the company millions of won" Jisung joked. It was irresponsible, sure, but he had more important things distracting him at the time. At the memory of the bright Daejon sun, Hyunjin smiled, closing his eyes briefly to revel in the memory. If he thought hard enough, the blaring spotlights could almost replicate the southern summer sun. It was hard to get lost in his imagination though. The lady was prodding and poking at his face, turning him this and that side so she could fix him. This wasnât the time.
âThere. Try playing it nowâ Jisung said proudly, standing up straight and letting go of Hyunjinâs guitar. So he played a tempo to test it, and the music seemed perfectly fine now. In the end, it was futile anyway. The company didnât allow them to play live in the music video. Apparently they had no faith that the boys wouldnât mess up the instruments after such a long hiatus, and there was no time or money for retakes and reshoots. So, they would only pretend to play, and lip-sync the words and hopefully someone in the editing department would make it seem real. Still, Hyunjin was going to try his hardest to genuinely play. He hated pretending.
âClose your eyes,â The lady mumbled, an annoyed tone that frankly felt unwarranted. He followed the instructions, and felt the tip of a brush poking at his eyes as she reapplied some of the darker eyeshadow. The concept for this album was pop-rock, leaning heavily into the rock, and so their makeup was inspired from the 1980s world of rock.
âDid I do something wrong?â Hyunjin asked, as she used a little too much force on him, making his eyes water under the sharp brush.
âHmm?â She was none the wiser, and he suddenly wondered if he should backtrack, but he wouldnât be able to continue the filming knowing one of their makeup artists was possibly mad at him. âYouâŠseem upsetâ He said.Â
A sigh followed, âIâm not upset, I just think you should take better care of yourself. Jisung was right, you know? Your face does cost us thousand of won. I understand youâve just come back from vacation but if you donât do your job, itâs very difficult for me to do mineâ
âRightâ He nodded, sudden guilt overwhelming him, âCan I open my eyes now?â
With the confirmation, he did and looked at her, âIâm sorry, Iâll be more careful in the futureâÂ
She smiled, pulling at his cheek, âItâs good to have you back, kidâ
Within seconds, the set jumped back to life. Chan ran onto the stage, getting into his position, and Changbin followed. They were both visibly upset, due to the company not allowing them to sing live, but years in this industry had made them numb to some of that anger. Hyunjin took his place on the stage, as the cameras adjusted and thirty-something people gathered before them, ready to film. He wished he could sneak one look in the mirror before filming, for the reassurance that he didnât look like a total clown, but he trusted the kind makeup lady.Â
âAll right, boysâ Chan looked at them, microphone stand in his hands, âFrom the top, yeah?â
The backing track began on cue, and Hyunjinâs heart pounded like it hadnât in ages. Maybe he wasnât prepared to do a full-fledged music video shoot so soon after the hiatus. Did he even remember his chords right? The audience may not be looking at his hands, but he sure as hell would be. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a breath, hoping he didnât mess up for the sake of their team. Millions of people would watch this. Thousands would instantly know they werenât actually singing, and he had grown tired of the accusations. Most of those people would be rooting for his failure, and he could imagine the myriad of hate comments about how Hyunjin should never have returned to the band. Maybe it was a mistake being back in the spotlight so soon. Chanâs hand landed on his shoulder, startling him. He leaned in to whisper, loud enough for only Hyunjin to hear, âForget everyone else, Jinnie. Sheâs going to love thisâ
A surprised smile tugged on Hyunjinâs lips just as the spotlight hit him, and the camera began rolling.
»»ââââ-
Later that night, Jisung crawled into his bed. He pulled the blue comforter off Hyunjinâs aching legs, settling cross-legged across him. The filming had taken a toll on him, and heâd really let himself go when he was away. It usually took a lot more to get him this tired, and he was still adjusting to this new schedule. Jisung leaned against the wall, releasing a sigh of contentment. This had become second nature to them, a routine to sit, talk, and catch up on the past few months of summer. Theyâd stayed in touch through text, but it wasnât the same. Some nights, theyâd go for a walk, find an open barbecue place, and eat into the early hours of dawn. Other nights, theyâd stay in the dorm and order some cheesecake, and Jisung would tell him everything he missed. Every anecdote, each funny moment, painstaking details of how many different ways heâd embarrassed himself. Hyunjin had missed a lot, so heâd sit and listen to the tales of the city that heâd pined for all this while. It was good to return to the life heâd left behind. Everything was different here, and sometimes it felt like summer had existed in a void away from the world. Jisung would also ask him about his hometown, but Hyunjin never knew where to start, so he preferred to listen to Jisung instead. He had a lot more to say anyway.Â
Tonight was different. Jisung asked him about you.
And that wasnât the routine.
âI donât really know what you want me to tell youâ Hyunjin laughed, and they were both tucked into blankets, like kids bonding at their first sleepover.Â
âYouâve talked about this girl all freaking summer, and now you have nothing to say?â
âWell, yeah, you already know everythingâ Hyunjin mumbled, flush rising up. They never had this dynamic before, thisâŠsharing of crushes, or whatever it could be called. Jisung was usually the one in relationships out of the two of them, and Hyunjin would never bug him about it. Not until Jisung told him himself. So, Hyunjin didnât know what to say.
âYeah, I know the shortened version you sent over text, butâŠhowâd she react when you said youâre coming back?â
Hyunjin swallowed, memories flashing through his mind of his last night in his hometown, âShe was really upsetâ
âUpset, likeâŠdidnât talk to you kind of upset, orâŠhad sex with you before you leftâ upset?â
The words sent a flush up Hyunjinâs neck, and he knew this was exactly what Jisung wanted. This was his intention. To embarrass him. To celebrate this new dynamic, when Hyunjin was the one with a stupid crush and not the other way around.
âWe didnât have sexâ He clarified. Jisungâs eyes widened, âReally? Not even on the last night?â
Hyunjin leaned his head against the wall, playing with the threads of the blanket. The last night was complicated, for all the right and the wrong reasons, so he settled for the most matter-of-fact answer, âI didnât have any condomsâ
âShut up, I know thatâs not true. I sent you like a huge box your first week in Daejon. Donât tell me you never used themâŠâ
Hyunjin laughed at the memory, âThank you for that Jisung, butâŠIâd already packed it away. I didnât really expect anything to happen anyway. I thought sheâd be too upset at me for leavingâ
âSoâŠthatâs the only reason?â
Hyunjin swallowed, knowing that if perhaps theyâd had an hour longer together that night, things would probably have led straight to that, condoms or no condoms, âWellâŠwe were out of timeâ
âYou spent months with this girl. How were you out of time?â
Hyunjin sighed, âThere was no right moment. I didnât want it to be rushedââ
âNo rush? As if you wouldnât bust a nut as soon as youâreââ Jisung was interrupted with a smack in the face by a pillow, voice turning high, âOuch! Whatâd you do that for?â
âIâm not talking about this anymoreâ Hyunjin laughed, the red reaching the tips of his ears.
âThatâs pretty unfair, you know. I used to tell you every detail of my relationship with Mae, down to the nitty-gritty detailsâ
Hyunjin looked up at him. It had been a while since heâd talked about Mae so freely, and he swallowed, âHow are you holding up?â
Jisungâs smile fell, humorous demeanour disappearing in seconds, âSheâs happy nowâ
The statement meant so much more than he let on. Happy now. As in, she wasnât happy before, when she was dating Jisung. Thinking back on it now, their breakup had been explosive, and it seemed like Jisung was still picking up the pieces. Was this what the rest of Hyunjinâs life would look like? Surrounded by miserable relationships destroyed by their careers. He canât recall the last time he witnessed a love story with a happy ending. He sighed, âThat sucks manâ
Jisung shrugged, âIt is what it isâ
Hyunjin stretched out his legs under the blanket, letting out a soft groan, âMan, my limbs havenât hurt like this in agesâ
Jisung rolled his eyes, âYouâre getting soft, big boy. Weâre hitting the studio tomorrow at six. Album release is only a month away nowâ
His phone buzzed and he reached for it immediately. âIs that her?â Jisung asked, smiling.
âYupâ Hyunjin typed in a quick text to you, âSheâsâŠtelling me about her dayâ
âIs that all you guys do?â Jisung asked, a smirk on his face, scrolling up on their chats, without permission. He let out a dramatic gasp, âWhat are you writing her all these long-ass paragraphs for? It feels like Iâm reading a book. Big red flag. At least break it up into multiple textsâ
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, âI mean, thereâs a lot sheâs interested to know about my life here. I like telling her what weâre up to. If you see it from an outside perspective, itâs pretty cool. She really loves itâ
Jisung laughed, eyebrows wiggling like a kid, âUh-huh. Sure. Thatâs what she lovesâ
Hyunjin sighed, rolling his eyes, âStop. Weâre justâŠreally close friends nowâ
âDoes she know that?â
He didnât like this conversation anymore and what it implied. He informed him for the umpteenth time, âI told her from the start that I donât do relationships. She knows.â
Jisung was still scrolling through their chat, probably hoping to find something steamy but stopped at the media that Hyunjin had shared, letting out a gasp, âWait a minute. Have you been sending her our studio recordings?âÂ
âYesâ Hyunjin frowned, âShe likes thoseâ
âYou know, Eunwoo would have a heart attack if he knew you were leaking unreleased musicâ
Hyunjin sighed. Jisung was always so dramatic. âIâm not leaking anything. Itâs only to her. Sheâs not going to show anyoneâ
âAnd how do you know that?â
âI trust herâ Hyunjinâs reply was automatic, âMore than anythingâ
Jisung smiled, eyes crinkling, tilting his head, âEven more than me?â
He chuckled, grabbing his phone back, âShut upâ
»»ââââ-
He had been waking up earlier than usual, and heâd find himself at the kitchen table first thing in the morning, watching the sun rise through their apartment window. It was always fun to greet the boys as soon as they woke. Heâd missed them for so long and he was trying to cherish every moment with them. Jisung would joke about how obsessed he was with them, often hovering like a parent around the house in the morning, waiting for their kids to wake up. It was strange because Hyunjin wasnât an early riser, but his thirst to spend time with them overpowered his desire to lay in bed. He sat at the kitchen island scribbling ideas in a little journal Changbin bought him. It had admittedly become his diary, filled with crazy ideas, midnight thoughts, and sketches for paintings.Â
The dance practices had got easier in the past weeks, and his limbs felt lighter. It almost took no time for him to get back to normal, sucked into the whirlpool of obligations that his life offered. There were so many interviews, press junkets, editorials, and he was back in the studio every night. Heâd missed that grandly â getting to work on the music and, for the first time, writing his songs into the album. All of that made everything else worth it â like when they couldnât leave their dorm because it was surrounded by paparazzi. Theyâd crowded around the building, hoping to get a glimpse at or any comments out of Jisung. Unfortunately, Jisung was still in the middle of a huge legal battle with the media that had leaked every detail of his personal life and relationship. Hyunjin didnât understand how Jisung managed to still be so sane, after something like that rocked his world.
But slowly, he carved time in his life to start painting again, between schedules of course. An art shop in Hongdae was perfect for his needs. It was small and convenient, and he could be away from the public eye when he was in it. He found time for you. In changing rooms, backstage, in five-minute breathers between practice, heâd text you when he could.Â
âYouâre up earlyâ Chan smiled, and Hyunjin looked up at him. He was already dressed, and he moved towards the light switch, turning them on, âYouâre drawing in the dark?â
âItâs peacefulâ Hyunjin hummed, âOn setâŠitâs always too brightâ
âAh. Right. What are you sketching this time?â Chan moved over to him, glimpsing into his diary.Â
âJustâŠa rough map of home. Iâm writing down all the places, I wanna remember it. I donât know when Iâll go backâ
Chan smiled thoughtfully, âIs that your plan for the day?â
âNo, actually, I was just about to head out to buy some flowers. I really want to draw some white hydrangeas, they wonât be in bloom for longer, and Iâm hoping I can capture their whole life cycleâ
Chan laughed, âWow. Itâs only six am and youâre already talking romanceâ
Hyunjin flushed, âItâs just for my drawings. I want to get better at observation. Speaking of, can I come watch you in the gym later? IâŠthink Iâll draw you nextâ
Chan moved around the island, prepping a morning smoothie, âIf I didnât know any better, Iâd say youâre flirting with me, Jinnieâ
âOf course notâ Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aeraâs.Â
âUnfortunately, I donât think thatâs going to be possible Jinnie. AndâŠyouâre probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrowâ Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.
Hyunjin frowned, âWhat do you mean?â But of course, Chan turned the blender on right then, so Hyunijn had to wait until he was done to find out. The loud whizzing sound filled the kitchen, and if the other boys werenât up yet, they certainly would be now.
âSorry about thatâ Chan apologised sheepishly, pouring the smoothie into four cups, and then eyed Hyunjinâs pajamas, âYou should change into a coat, something warm. Itâs chilly outâ
Hyunjin tilt his head, suspicious, âWhy?â
Chan slid him the smoothie, which Hyunjin hadnât even asked for, and then grinned, âIâm kidnapping youâ
âWhat?â He laughed, reaching for the cup anyway. He might as well start drinking healthy.
âThereâs someone Iâd like you to meet, Jinnie. Sheâs a prodigy, she owns like a gazillion art galleries across the country, and she wants to meet youâ
âSince when are you interested in art?â Hyunjin hummed, trying not to gag at the taste of the drink. It was all protein powder and whey. Chan smiled at the sight, leaning forward on the counter, âSince my best friend started drawing masterpieces, of course. Go get changed. Iâll drive us there, and if we have time before going to set, we just might be able to buy your flowersâ
»»ââââ-
The paintings in the art gallery were beautiful, and Chan was a good sport, taking just enough interest in the art that Hyunjin felt important in explaining all the techniques. Theyâd wandered around for a while now, eyeing every exhibition. Enough time had passed as they stood observing the room of sculptures, and Chan nudged him. He was diverting his attention to a woman with a tablet in hand as she walked around the space. The apparent prodigy. She seemed busy, pushing buttons on the tablet as she inventoried the place, a flurry of rich visitors following her around. Hyunjin had seen her before, and he asked, âDoes she work in our building by any chance?â
âShe certainly does. Hey, Karina!â He suddenly called out, âThis is Hyunjinâ
Hyunjin went wide-eyed and awkward, certainly unprepared to meet someone so important out of the blue, but Karina seemed sweet enough. Her gaze caught his, widening when she noticed them. She whispered something to her ĂŒber important guests, and then walked over to them, all prim and poise. She certainly looked the part of an art gallery owner, although Hyunjin had never seen one so young before. She shot him a smile, âAh. Iâve heard so much about you, Hyunjinâ
âOh noâ Hyunjin had a funny feeling in his stomach, âWhat did Chan say?â
She laughed, âNothing too bad. He showed me some of your workâ
âHe what?â Hyunjin cringed, âIâm sorry about thatâ
She laughed again, âDonât apologise. Your workâs pretty good. Even before Chan, you were kind of hard to miss actually. Your face is plastered all across the company buildingâ
Hyunjin cringed yet again, clasping his hands together, âIâmâŠsorry about that. Thatâs embarrassingâ
She laughed, âNot at all. SoâŠdo you like the collection?â
Hyunjin looked around, nodding, âOh. Of course! Itâs beautiful. I love the exhibit, and I canât believe you have some Monet up too. That must have been hard to getâ
She tilt her head, an admiring smile on her face, âIt certainly was. The jobâs not easy, but I enjoy it a lot. We try to stick to contemporary work, switching up exhibits every month or so. Youâre lucky you caught us during Monet. Weâre having those shipped back to Paris soonâ
Hyunjin nodded, hands slipping into his pockets, âParis. WowâŠâ
âActually I donât have too much time, so Iâm going to cut to the chaseâ She smiled, âThe reason I asked Chan if I could meet you wasâŠif youâd ever be interested, I wouldnât be opposed to hosting an exhibition for your workâ
His eyes widened, a surprised chuckle escaping him, âWhat? Iâm literally just starting out. ExperimentingâŠI donât even have a specific art style yet or much original workâŠâ
Karina shook her head as if all of that was an afterthought, âWe already know itâll be a hit. Youâre very loved, especially in Seoulâ
He couldnât wrap his head around it. Why would an actual, real-life gallery ever want to exhibit his work? He barely had work to begin with! All heâd done was post a few artworks on his Instagram, and mentioned that he liked drawing in an interview, âBut Iâm not a professional, by any means, I justâŠdo it because I enjoy itâ
She smiled, âPrecisely. Itâd be nice to give new artists a voice. Sooner or later, some art gallery is going to snatch you up. Iâd prefer if we were the first. Thereâs a lot of interest in you by the public. Itâd be a loss to not display your work. If thereâs anything I learnt from Kim Jieong it wasââ
âWait, you know Kim Jieong?â Hyunjin forgot his manners, interrupting her, especially in such an excitement, but he couldnât help himself.
Karina laughed, eyes narrowing, âAre you a fan?â
âNo, but my girlfr-â Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chanâs gaze burn curiously into him, âUmâŠone of my friends is. Heâs her favourite artist in the worldâ
âWellâŠI wouldnât give him so much creditâ Karina spoke, clutching the tablet tightly, âBut yes, I used to intern with him earlierâ
He was too straightforward, but he didnât care, âDo you think you could help me get in touch with him? Iâm sorry, I realise thatâs a big favour andââ
Her expression changed, âI donât know, Hyunjin. My relationship with JieongâŠis complicated. But, if youâd really like maybe I could help you set up a meeting or somethingâ
âReally?â His eyes lit up, and the conversation had completely sidetracked but it didnât matter, âThat would mean everything to me. Thank youâ
âOf course. I canât promise anything. This may be TMI, but he and I arenât on the best terms. He is a wonderful artist though. Iâll give him thatâ
âThank you, Karinaâ He smiled, genuinely. A security guard came up, tapping her on the shoulder. She nodded at him, and then looked back at Hyunjin, âI'm sorry I have to get going, there's been an incident involving a spill in the impressionist gallery âŠbut the offerâs always up for the exhibition, by the way. Eunwoo could give you my contact details. I think youâd made a great addition to my portfolio, Hyunjinâ
He smiled, but all he could focus on was that she knew Kim Jieong. Hope festered in his heart that maybe now he could finally get you the chance you deserved.
»»ââââ-
The Hydrangeas bloomed beautifully on Hyunjinâs desk. Heâd been drawing them all afternoon, and he looked forward to seeing their state change as he came home each night from work. It felt silly, but summer flowers reminded him of you. The vase needed fresh water, and he stopped sketching to go up to the kitchen and fill it up. The boys were gathered around the dining table, just about to head out to the studio, and Chan was preparing cocktails. Hyunijn switched on the water tap, absentmindedly watching the vase fill up, listening to their conversations.Â
Karina still hadnât got back to him, but he was holding onto hope. It had only been a week since their conversation after all. His days since then had been busy so he couldn't worry too much about it, occupied by schedules, heâd also managed to squeeze in time for himself now. It seemed like going back to his hometown had been genuinely helpful. It had fulfilled its purpose. Heâd come back to work, feeling a new kick in energy and joie de vivre. There was hardly any sadness like before, and that's all Hyunjin could have asked for from his little vacation anyway.
Since his return, there had been some changes to the company too. Heâd discovered a new library, hidden in their building, somewhere on the fourth floor, and heâd been frequenting it during his breaks. Every morning, he picked a new book to read and would fixate on it for the next week and a half. Barely any employees ever came to the library, other than HR sometimes, and it was a nice escape. He could imagine that youâd really love the library, full of nooks and crannies begging to be found and thousands of books aching to be read.
He discovered he had an affinity for poetry, and some poems never left his mind. There was one in particular by Kim Yong-Taek that occupied all the space in his head.Â
ë ëŽëŠŹêž° ì ì / Before the snow falls,  íëČ ëłŽêł ì¶ì”ëë€ / I would love to see you.
They felt real, as if theyâd been written only for him, and shivers often ran up his skin as he stood reading them quietly, a deep ache in his heart at the familiarity of the words. It was crazy that something written hundreds of years ago could capture exactly what Hyunjin was feeling right now. He hoped he could make music that felt the same to others. The longing in his bones only got worse each day, and he was making a plan to fix it. Summer had been beautiful, even contending for his favourite season, but it was ending, and he would do anything to make autumn just as beautiful.
»»ââââ-
Sleep clouded his vision, the song's melody blending with his drowsiness. It had been a week of rerecordings and theyâd barely got any rest. Hyunjin tugged the headphones off, glancing at Chan through the observation window, âWas that a good take?â
Chan gave him a thumbs up through the window. His energy had been deflated too, but Hyunjin was hoping for a better response, âAre you sure? I can do another take. I thinkâŠit doesnât sound as emotional as Jisungâs verseâ
Hyunjin could only just about see Chanâs eyes, squinted over the mask he wore. The decision to cover his face was obvious; there was a little camera propped up in the studio, a way to film behind-the-scenes content for when the album finally released. Chan obviously didnât want to be captured in this sleep-deprived state. Still, Hyunjin would have loved to see his expression, the microscopic changes in his face would tell him if he really loved the recording or not.
Chan nodded, weary eyes, âIf you think you can do a better take, go for it, Hyunjinâ
So he did, inhaling a breathful of air so he wouldnât falter during his lines. Heâd sounded too emotionless and mechanical and they were recording a love song. He had to pour his feelings into it, so he closed his eyes. The lyrics were embedded into his brain anyway.Â
Chan began the backing track, and Hyunjin let his thoughts drift... They wandered into a familiar memory, one he usually saved for bedtime and when he was alone. His mind kept coming back to it. It was so fresh, but each day it was fading away, slipping out of his grasp and he felt the need to bottle up the memory and store it in a safe forever, where it would always be remembered. The twinkling fairy lights of the ChĂąteau, the blue paint puddle on the floor, the paint you spilled on his shirt, the heated and frenzied first, secondâŠand third kisses. The moment had been so short-lived. He had been so vulnerable that night. Youâd seen him that night, truly seen him, and he still felt surprised at how much heâd divulged in you so easily. It was the realest heâd ever felt, like the rest of his life before and after was just a charade for his friends, for the cameras, for himself.
Maybe it was only with you that he was the real Hyunjin. The teasing and laughs over the chocolate strawberries and paint easels had been second nature and strangely familiar, like it wasnât your first time doing this together, as if you had both been falling into patterns and habits of centuries ago. The most innocent actions felt crude, and cruel. Crude to kiss your cheek but not take it further. Cruel to give in to a desire he could never fulfil. Maybe every other moment in his life had been fabricated except for that night, that would explain why he was the happiest then.Â
âShitâŠwhat was that?â A voice interrupted him. Hyunjin snapped open his eyes to see Chan staring at him in disbelief. The backing track had gone onto the next verse now. He cleared his throat, âUm. Sorry IâŠ.spaced out. Let me record that againâ
âAre you kidding me? Thatâs the best take youâve ever given usâ Chan laughed, in disbelief, stepping into the recording booth, âYou sold that to me completely, Fuck. You almost made me tear up. You should do more ballads, Jinnie. That was amazingâ
Hyunjin blinked at him, holding onto his headphones tightly, so unaware of himself, âIâŠI didnât realise it was that goodâ
âCome on. Listen to itâ Chan grabbed his arm, leading him out, and replaying what had just been recorded. Hyunjin almost didnât recognise himself singing. Heâd never sang like this before. Goosebumps rippled up his arms and neck, and he looked at Chan, âYouâre right. That one turned outâŠreally goodâ
âDamn. You can convince the audience that youâve lived a thousand lives, been through a hundred heartbreaks. You convinced me. That was so realâ
Hyunjinâs lips tugged into a smile, and he pushed his hands in his sweatshirt pockets, âIt felt real to me tooâ
Chan wrapped up the recording, and then happily turned the company camera off, âDo you know what this means, Jinnie?â
âWhat?â Hyunjin asked, grateful they werenât being recorded anymore.Â
Chan stepped closer to him, a growing smile on his face, âWe fucking finished this album, babyâ
»»ââââ-
Hyunjin was changing the water in the vase. Heâd been desperately trying to keep the Hydrangeas alive, but that had been a failing task. So heâd found some time to buy some Cosmos, hoping he could draw them instead. It was almost autumn now, and the flower in bloom had changed, so he kept trying to adjust to it. It was harder than he thought. Chan's voice distracted him, âAre you coming to dinner with us? Weâre thinking of trying that new Italian placeâ. Hyunjin looked up at him, âShit. Is it okay if I bail? I was going to call Y/N later tonight. She wanted to paint togetherâ
His eyebrows shot up, a small smile on his face, âPaint together? Is that a euphemism?â
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, switching the water tap off, âNo. It's obviously notâ
âWouldnât you love if it was?â Jisung smirked at him, walking into the kitchen. It seemed like all their serious, and unserious conversations often took place in this kitchen, their one common space. Chan laughed, âSo how long will your paint date last? Should we bring you any takeout pizza?â
Hyunjin shrugged, glancing at the clock, âNo, thatâs okay, Iâm not hungry. Itâll last a few hours maybe. Next week weâre going to be so busy with the press tour, I was hoping to finish a whole painting tonight. Itâs easier if Iâm doing it with her. Iâm just more motivated thenâ
âThereâs a word for that, you know?â Chan leaned forward on the counter, a teasing smile on his face, âSheâs your proper museâ
Hyunjin laughed, not expecting him to say that, but he had been thinking about it. After all, thatâs what had made the recordings so much easier. He was singing with you in mind. He denied it, âThatâs really cheesy, even for you, ChanâŠâ
âEh, but itâs true. You should tell her that tonightâ
Hyunjin smiled, already imagining your reaction to such a thing. He wouldnât even know how heâd bring it up. Wouldnât it be too much? Would you be embarrassed? He could recall all the times heâd catch you off guard with his compliments back in Daejon, your expression as if heâd said the most insane thing ever when Hyunjin was just appreciating you. Fuck. He really needed to see that reaction in person again.Â
Every perfect summer memory only added to the weight of his longing in fall, and he decided it was time, âIâm gonna invite her to come to Seoulâ
Changbin stood across the hall, having just come out of his room to catch the last bit of conversation. His eyebrows shot up, âYou areâŠ?â
Hyunjin swallowed, catching the boys' reactions as he revealed the plan, âI just bought the train tickets for her this morning, and while she's here she can stay in an apartment I rented out for her. Itâs a few blocks away from ours, so sheâs close enough to me, without it being suspiciousâ
Jisung frowned, âBut if you rented it, your name would go down in the recordâ
âNo, I already thought of that. I asked to use my auntâs credit card, and sheâs not a Hwang, so there wonât be any trace back to meâ
Jisung leaned back in his chair, âYou really thought of everything, huh? No loopholes?â
âNo loopholesâ Hyunjin nodded, hoping theyâd approve of it because something like this would put them all under scrutiny and risk, âWell, as long as she says yesâ
âWhy wouldnât she?â Changbin frowned, crossing his arms, âIf I was her, Iâd jump at the chanceâ
âYeah, I know you would. Thereâs an apprenticeship she wanted in the cityâŠbut she didnât get it yet. She may not want to come here anymoreâŠin case it reminds her of thatâ
âIs there any chance she can still get it?â
Hyunjin shrugged, placing his palms on the counter as he thought over it, âI donât know how it works. Iâm trying to figure it outâ
Chan sighed, seeing his dilemma, âHey, if itâs in the starsâŠsheâll get it. She seems talented enough from what you tell me about herâ
âSheâs hellbent on believing she canât get it. Iâm going to try to convince her to apply again. Itâs kind of frustrating. Without connections, itâs so hard to make anything out of it. I mean, when we were at the gallery, you introduced me to Karina. It was so easy. She saw my work, and immediately agreed to a fucking exhibition. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair. What did I do to deserve that? I know there are hundreds of artists better than me who should be getting exhibitions, butâŠIâm getting it just because Iâm famous. It feels weird and privilegedâ
Chan sighed, âHyunâŠI know what you mean, butâŠitâs unfortunately how things are. And itâs not like youâre misusing this. The fact that you recognise it in the first place is sometimes all we can doâ
Hyunjin let out an exhale, staring off into the distance, when his phone pinged. It was a text from you.
hey! im all set up here. ready when you are :)
Chan grinned, handing him a cocktail heâd just made, âGo on then. Weâll head to dinner and weâll see you tomorrow, okay?â
Hyunjin smiled, rushing back to his room. In anticipation of this call, heâd already set up his work area. Ever since heâd been back, he hadnât gotten too much time talking to you, so he would make the most of it. He set his glass down next to his MacBook, and laid out his canvas. Through the computer screen, he could see a glimpse of your room, which was messier than his. It had more personality, and it was more lived in. He realised heâd never had a chance to come to your place. He had a sudden urge to see how you set up your room and things, your little knick-knacks, the big teddy he won for you, your artwork curated over years. But from hundreds of miles of away, he could only see a little square of your life. You were biting down on a chip when he spoke, âI think youâre going to love the song Iâm working on with Chanâ
Your face changed, lighting up, âYeah?âÂ
The connection wasnât great, so all your responses were delayed, but Hyunjin hummed, proud, âItâsâŠa sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking itâ
âWhen can I hear it?âÂ
He laughed at your eagerness, âWeâre still writing itâ
You nodded, going back to painting. He would surprise you soon with the ticket he bought you to Seoul, but he wanted to build up to it. Perhaps he could do a grand gesture, or leave you little hints to keep you wondering. He could only imagine how happy youâd be. He could show you his favourite places in the city, introduce you to the boys and you could finally see his life, in all itâs glory. It only felt fair after youâd let him into yours so warmly. He had fit into your life in town so easily, a puzzle piece falling into place, and he hoped he could make it the same for you. Obviously, thereâd be less freedom, more restrictions but at least you wouldnât be a stranger to his lifestyle anymore. Hyunjin took a moment to sip his drink, staring at his own work. getting the courage to say it, âCan I say something cheesy?â
âYeah?â
He leaned over the webcam, so he could be infinitesimally closer to you, cheeks reddening, âWhen I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helpsâ
He watched as you sat on your knees, curious, âWhat do you think about?â
He flushed, regretting how this made him sound so romantic when he wasn't trying to be, âYou knowâŠjust our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says youâre my muse or whateverâ
He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didnât see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didnât know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didnât have the words either. Not enough anyway.
»»ââââ-
It was supposed to be an informal gathering to celebrate the album, but it felt more like a full-fledged party. Their managerâs apartment had been completely transformed, no empty floor space as everybody from the company had gathered around for a hurrah. Hyunjin had a few drinks in his system already, enough to get him really going. He stood away from the crowd, tucked into a corner, phone pulled out, typing in a ridiculously cheesy message to you. The party was great, and he was so happy to have finished the album. All that was missing was you. The text started sounding far too cheesy, inspired by the love rot that the poetry books had filled in his brain, and slowly, it became more and more unhinged. The wine Chan brought must have got to his head, but he couldn't stop, all of his thoughts pouring out in a mixture of sentences that didn't really make any sense.
I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, itâs so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off andâŠI would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesnât have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said itâs a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when Iâm not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. Itâs like youâre here with me in everything. I guess what Iâm saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck Iâm really drunk so Iâm sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel youâ
The phone was snatched from his hands, Changbin squinting to read the message, âWho are you texting in the middle of our party?â
Hyunjin flushed red. He was really drunk but he still noticed their manager to the side, and hushed, âKeep your voice down, Binnieâ
He looked up, eyes wide, âIs this your idea of a sext?â
âWhat? noâ itâs not a sext. Iâm not sexting, what the hellâ
âYouâre likeâŠweirdly poetic when youâre drunkâ
Hyunjin closed his eyes, âJustâŠgive me thatâ
He deleted the message.Â
It was a bad idea to be sending you drunk messages anyway. He should just call you instead. Yeah. That sounded like a smarter, much better idea. Before he could dial your number, Changbin pulled him to the living room, and Hyunjin let himself be tugged along. Jisung was standing shirtless there, liquid smeared down his chest and abs. He was laughing, hair all messed up, clearly very tipsy, âCome on! Whoâs next?â
Hyunjin did not intend to be a part of whatever this was, but Changbin pushed him ahead, âHeâs upâ But they were surrounded by company employees. Even the girl from the art gallery, Karina, was here and he flushed from the embarrassment. âI donât even know what weâre doingâ Hyunjin chuckled nervously, as Changbin hoisted him up over the table, handing him a quick shot to get the nerves out. Hyunjin downed it in a single sip, the liquid burning his throat. The state of his sobriety stopped him from protesting too much, until Jisung explained, âBody shots, of course. Pick your contender, Jinnieâ
Hyunjinâs eyes widened, looking around the bunch of people, none of whom he felt comfortable touching him, but he saw a few of the women shy away, âIâŠI donât knowâ
âIâll do itâ Chan laughed, stepping ahead from the crowd, âIf thatâs okay with youâ
Jisung certainly seemed to have enjoyed it, and he wanted to give it a shot. He could be chill with this, but he would definitely blame the alcohol in him for how easily he went down on the table, and how easily he let Chan unbutton his black shirt. The overhead lights were too bright and Hyunjin closed his eyes, and his head was spinning. The music was pounding in his ears, the marble countertop cold to his back.
âI canât believe Iâm doing thisâ He laughed to himself, swept up in the environment as Changbin dripped tequila over his stomach. The chill liquid tickled him and he immediately squirmed, sending a shiver down his spine. He felt embarrassed for his reaction. Clearly, he was a novice to this party celebration, but he was also enjoying the attention.
âYou ready, Jinnie?â Chan asked, looking up at him with a comforting smile. Chan was definitely drunk too in order to pull a stunt like this in front of the employees. They were absolutely loving it though and he could hear them all cheer them on. They never got to see the members in a more unprofessional environment than this one, and Hyunjin hoped none of them changed their opinion of him after this. He gave a quick thumbs up, facing the ceiling as he felt Chanâs mouth near his stomach. He sucked in a breath in anticipation, cheeks flushing from all this attention. He was used to peopleâs eyes on him, but this was so different and intimate. Somehow, his self-conscious part disappeared just as Chan licked a stripe of tequila up Hyunjinâs torso. He squirmed, a giggle escaping at the ticklish feeling, and Chan held him down, hand on his thigh, laughing, âStop moving! Youâll get it on the table!â
Hyunjin stilled with the threat of ruining their managerâs table, eyes still closed as Chan finished licking the rest up until his chest, and his stomach was in knots. He couldnât help but imagine this situation differently. Would you have partaken in this with him? How would that have looked like? If it was you doing this to him, instead of Chan? The little party activity would definitely have turned into something else by the end of itâŠand he knows he definitely would not be able to resist, not when your tongue was on his stomach and you were so close to him. The image sent a rush of blood through his body, thoughts that he should definitely not be indulging in when his best friend was doing body shots off him, and Hyunjin immediately sat up, bumping his head right into Chanâs. âOuch!â Chan exclaimed, clutching his forehead, âCareful, Jin!â
âUm, sorryâ He swallowed, jumping off the counter, embarrassment lingering from how he'd stupidly turned himself on in front of everyone he knew, âI felt sickâ
âNo worriesâ Chan laughed, oblivious to his friend's thoughts, patting his shoulder as everybody around them continued cheering them on, âYou did goodâ
Hyunjin walked away, feeling sticky now, and he tried to wipe off the remaining with a kitchen towel. If it was you, he would have let you go all the way, until every stripe of tequila was gone from his body. And then some more.
He buttoned his shirt up again, hands shaking from the buzz, blood rushing to the parts that needed his attention. He needed to hear your voice. You didnât even know he was at this party. It was so inconvenient to be so far away, trying to convey all that he felt through a mere text or phone call. He stood to the side, shaky fingers pulling up your contact until he heard your voice on the other end. âGuess what?â Hyunjin grinned.
âWhat?â Your voice was soft on the other end, so calm, grounding him in his drunkenness. A stark contrast to the lively atmosphere of his party and he could think straight again. Hyunjin smiled, âWe finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually ready. Weâre at my managerâs apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking goodâ
He felt excited to hear your reaction. He was grinning ear to ear, as you congratulated him. Heâd heard that today many times, but hearing it from you was incomparable. You were proud of him. He giggled, stumbling out of the hallway, blood rushing to his head, âJisung made me drinkâŠfar too much. I liked the wine, though; Chan found it in this cool store, but then me and BinnieâŠwe did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. Sheâs the daughter of ââÂ
âWait, you did body shots?â You interrupted him.
Hyunjin nodded, walking around, trying to avoid anybody being able to pick up on his conversation. So many people were in this tiny apartment, and he wished he had more peace and quiet to talk to you. âIt was insane. Just like Seungmin told usâ
âIâŠcanât hear you, Hyunâ You spoke.
âSorryâ He apologised, walking off towards the balcony, âCan you hear me now?â
âYeah, I canâ
âFuck. I miss you so fucking muchâ He mumbled, voice dropping, and the rest of this party was fading from his vision, tunnel vision to you and your voice on the other end, âWhy arenât you here?â
Hyunjin thinks the only way he can stop missing you is if you start visiting him in your dreams. He wonders what sorcery he needs to do for that to happen. Could he visit you in your dreams? So you never grow apart, and find each other every single night. âI miss you tooâŠ.but you should get back to the partyââ
Hyunjin failed to notice Changbin creeping up on him, taking the phone away, âWhoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?â
âGive me the phone back, Changbin!â Hyunjin sighed, all his poetic declarations disappearing into the void. At this point, he thinks he needs to maintain another diary just to write all the things he wishes to say to you but never does.
âHey!â Changbin was talking to you, âYou must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate youâ
âStop!â Hyunjin exclaimed, realising their managers stood nearby and the commotion had caught their ears, âDonât announce it to the entire party.â Changbin laughed, âSo tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10ââ
âChangbin, give me my phone back!â Hyunjin tried to grab it.
âLet me finish!â Changbin laughed. Hyunjinâs head began to ache when he saw Jisung approach their chaos, âFuck. Is that her?â
âJisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?â He sounded like a broken record, like all his primary functions had ceased and wouldnât function until he heard your voice again. âIs that Hyunjinâs girlfriend?â Jisung asked, loudly. It was loud enough that their managers heard it, ears perking up and glancing at Hyunjin. One of their managers, Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, tilting his head. This was the first heâd heard of this, and goosebumps rippled up Hyunjinâs neck at what this could mean.
His voice dropped, stepping back towards his meddling friends, âStop, Jisung. Sheâs just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and donât announce it to the party!â
âThen I can have her?â Changbin interrupted, oblivious to his surroundings. Hyunjin yanked the phone back, and he was pissed, but he wouldnât blame them. They were only messing about. He let out a breath, âHey, Iâm so sorry. TheyâŠtook you hostageâ
Your voice sounded far away, resigned, âThatâs okay. Donât worry about it. You should enjoy the party, Hyunâ Panic built up in his throat at the thought of you leaving, âNo, no, I called you because I missed youâ
âI canât really even hear you,â You said, crushing his heart and soul to irreparable pieces. Maybe he was being dramatic, but perhaps he needed you to breathe, âWe can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?â
Hyunjin was ready to protest, bear his heart out to keep you a little while longer. What was the point of celebrating his success if he couldn't share it with you right now? Isn't that why he'd pushed himself so hard this time? So he could impress you with all the songs he'd written with only you in mind. Heâd leave the party if he had to, just so you wouldnât go. Before he could declare his insanity of wanting to talk to you, Eunwoo stepped closer to him. His eyes were narrowed, a tell-tale sign, disapproving head tilt. Hyunjin had lost the opportunity, and he said, âAll right. Iâll call you laterâ
With no qualms about destroying the party's vibe, Eunwoo asked curiously, âWho are you talking to?â
âNobodyâ Hyunjin panicked, hanging up. He shoved the phone into his pocket, and it burned into him. Eunwoo sighed, âI heard Jisung mention a girlfriend. Is there something you want to share?â
He shook his head, unease settling into him or maybe he was just about to throw the fuck up, âCan weâŠnot talk about this right now? I mean, weâre at a partyâ
Eunwoo stared at him, as if dissecting all of Hyunjin's deepest, darkest secrets, gaze burning through him. Then he nodded with a smile, âOf course, Hyunjin. You should celebrateâ
Hyunjinâs nerves calmed down and he began walking away. Maybe now he could return to enjoying the rest of the night. But of course, Eunwoo stopped him, hand over his shoulder âWeâll talk about it first thing in the morning though. I want to see you seven AM, in my officeâ
Hyunjin suppressed a groan, bile rising up his throat at what this could possibly mean, âOh. Okayâ
Eunwoo patted his shoulder, before walking back to the party, âDonât be late, Hwangâ
»»ââââ-
He definitely didnât feel human stepping into the office, a mere three hours later. He hadnât got any sleep. He had just enough time to head home, shower, and wipe the remnants of tequila off his stomach before heading here. The body shots didnât sound like a great idea now. His shirt was sticky and ruined. His head hurt, and he was surprised that Eunwoo wasnât hungover. Heâd probably gouged on hangover soup last night, and he sat in a crisp suit-and-tie across the table. He looked up at him, cheery smile, âMorning, Hwangâ
Hyunjin sat in the uncomfortable office chair, squinting against the lights that hurt his sensitive eyes, âGood morningâŠâ
âDid you have a good time at the party last night?â
Hyunjin nodded, putting on a smile, âYes. It was niceâ
Eunwoo was their nicest manager, heâs the only reason Hyunjin had been able to go back home and he certainly liked him the most. He was miles better than Kim Soohyun, the guy who basically decided Hyunjinâs life. But nowâŠit seemed like Eunwoo had been sent by his higher-ups to sweet-talk Hyunjin, âYou certainly seemed to enjoy it, but sadly, I didnât see too much of you. We would have liked to get a drink with youâ
âAh, I was with the boys most of the nightâ He answered. Could this meeting not have been an email? His head was pounding and he couldnât focus on anything.
Eunwoo tilt his head, picking up on his irritation, âSay it. Whateverïżœïżœs on your mindâ
âNo disrespect. IâŠjust donât understand why we need to talk about this right nowâ
âWhy? Because itâs a Sunday and most people donât have to go to work today, or because you drank too much last night?â He laughed, leaning back in his chair. There was a stress ball in his hands and Eunwoo kept tossing it back and forth.Â
Hyunjin bit his lip, âNo, Iâm fine. Iâm just a bit tiredâ
âBecause it may be a day off for everyone in the country, but not for you. Iâm sure youâre aware of that. After all, superstars donât get to where they are by slacking offâ
Hyunjin frowned, âI understand. Is there a specific reason you wanted to see me today?â
Eunwoo put down the stress ball in his hands, expression suddenly turning serious, âLook, kid. If I could turn a blind eye to this, I would. Trust me. I hate doing this as much as you hate hearing it, but Kim Soohyun was at the party too. He overheard things. Iâm accountable to him, and youâre accountable to meâ
Hyunjin sank into his seat, âSoâŠam I in trouble or something?â
Eunwoo clasped his hands, âDependsâŠdid you do something to get you into trouble?â
âNo, I didnât, Eunwooâ
He leaned forward on the desk, hands folded under his chin, âThere was quite a lot of talk about a girlfriend last night. You never mentioned that to meâ
Hyunjin let out a sigh, âThereâs no girlfriend. The boys were dicking aroundâ
Eunwoo gave him a tight-lipped smile, âThen, who were you talking to? On the phone when I saw you? Surely your parents wouldn't be awake that lateâ
âJustâŠa friend from back home. Theyâre not importantâ
âLook, Hyunjin. I hate to pry. Your personal life is entirely yours but not when it concerns your image or the company, or god forbid, the media. If you are dating somebody, you have to let me know so I can be prepared for when it eventually gets out to the mediaâ
Hyunjinâs head began to hurt exponentially more and maybe he should never have called you last night, âIâm not dating anybody, Eunwooâ
Eunwoo nodded. Clearly, he didnât believe him. Heâd known and managed Hyunjin for years. He'd known him since he was fifteen. He could see right through him and wished he was a better liar. âYouâre gonna have to give me more than thatâ
Hyunjin sighed, sitting up straighter as if that could convince him better, âSheâs just an old friend, from back homeâ
Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, and then leaned back in his chair, âOkay, Iâll believe you. I hope youâve already passed along the contract to herâ
He frowned, âWhat, the NDA? Iâm not dating her, why does she have to sign it?â
âWell yes, youâre not, but clearly you and her are close if youâre drunk calling her from a work party. She could have the wrong idea, if she goes around telling people a different storyâŠthatâll be a problemâ
âShe is not going to tell anyoneâ
âYou donât know what girls can be capable of to get fame. An argument with you, if someone bribes her, if she sees any opportunity, she could go to the mediaââ
âY/N is not like thatâ Hyunjin interrupted, a surge of bitterness ripping through at the assumptions.
Eunwooâs eyebrows shot up, âY/NâŠthatâs her nameâ
He wished he could take back that information. It was too late. He released a breath, âLook, youâre not making her sign any contracts. Weâre not romantically involved. There are no legal obligations. Am I not even allowed to have fucking friends anymore?â
Eunwoo closed his eyes, âDonât get angry on me, Hyunjin. Youâre not stupid. This is how itâs been for years. The rules wonât change for you. Itâs going to be difficult to manage these rumors after you already took half a year off to yourself and with Jisungâs trial and Chan and KairiâsâŠwhatever the hell theyâre doing. You say youâre not dating this girl, Iâm going to trust you on that. But if at any point that changes or the girl goes to the news, the company will have to step in. For example, she talks to somebody about herâŠspecial friendship with you. Kim Soohyun wonât think twice before suing her for defamationâ
Hyunjin saw red, and he clenched his fists as to not react. Defamation? âI get it, Eunwooâ
He nodded, putting a document on the table and sliding it to him, âIf anything changes, you have to let me know. I have to be ready to release a statementâ
âWhat, a statementâŠfor what?â Hyunjin stared at the files. An NDA and a press release statement. This was absolutely insane. Nothing had even happened, and they were preparing for the worst case scenario. No, they were waiting for it.Â
âYouâve been in this industry long enough, Hwang. We must inform the public and fanbaseâŠif youâre in a relationship. If we keep it to ourselves and it gets out anyway, the backlash would be immense. Now, donât worry. We can always try to keep her identity secret if youâre worried about her safety and with threats and everything, butââ
Hyunjin stood up in panic, blood rushing to his head, âThatâs not happening. Thereâs not gonna be any threats to herâŠor announcementsâ
Eunwoo looked up at him, blinking blankly, âOkay⊠I appreciate the sentiment but thatâs not entirely in your hands. The press tour starts today. All eyes are going to be on the four of you. The whole damn country is talking about you, Hyunjin. We canât afford a scandal. Kim Soohyun has me in a tight grip. I have faith in you that nothing happens to throw that offâ
He swallowed, nails digging into his palm from his emotions, âYeah. It wonâtâ
Clearly, his plans of bringing you to the city to visit him were down the fucking drain. Heâd be lucky if he could even get a phone call with you anymore.Â
âAlso if youâre using the company phone to stay in contact with her, I suggest you change that. It shouldnât be traced back to usâ
Hyunjin nodded, and he wasnât even dating you but the worst was already happening. This was what heâd feared the whole time. There was no point. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and he asked, âIs that going to be all?â
Eunwoo nodded, âYou should take these documents with you, just in case. HR were happy to print them out for me this morning. They also told me youâve been hanging out in the romance section a lot in the company libraryâ
So he had absolutely no privacy anymore either. Hyunjin snatched the folder, carelessly holding the files in his hand, with no intention of ever using them. He wouldnât let the press statement or NDA document anywhere near you. In fact, theyâd be tossed in the trash as soon as he was home. He headed for the door and couldnât get out of there fast enough. He needed to decompress. He couldnât show up to practice this pissed and this wound up. Heâd explode, and the boys didnât deserve that.Â
Eunwooâs voice stopped him, âOh, and congratulations, Hyunjinâ
Hyunjin turned around, gripping the doorknob in blind fury. It felt like a taunt, a joke. There was nothing to congratulate him for. He couldnât even keep his friends close without it exploding into a big deal. What did he even have to be grateful for? He looked right at Eunwoo, and his lack of sleep made him more irritable, âForâŠwhat?â
Eunwoo smiled warmly, his entire demeanour changing, âThe album pre-sales are the biggest weâve ever seen. Youâre a global superstar now. You should feel very, very lucky, kid"
»»ââââ-
âCan you stand still for me, please?â The assistant responsible for touching up Hyunjinâs face asked. He nodded, letting her put rosy tint on his cheeks, blending it with the contour. Heâd been here for what easily felt like hours, and through the mirror he could see that Changbin was just about done with his makeup.Â
The week leading up to the release was always the hardest. Somebody tugged at his hair and he resisted the urge to grimace. They didnât deserve his terrible mood; they were only doing their job. The hairstylist apologised, noticing Hyunjinâs sour expression, âSorry. Eunwoo said we need to get started on your hair right now; the other boys are already ready.â Hyunjin nodded, letting himself be manhandled by three different women as they struggled to put his hair into braids, âHave you been using the product we gave you?â
âHmm?â
âYour hairâs thinning out, especially the bleached rootsâ The lady mumbled, disappointed.
âYeah, I haveâ Truthfully heâd forgotten, a grave mistake for someone in his industry, but heâd been too caught up in everything else. His stomach rumbled and he hadnât had time to grab breakfast this morning, so he looked around until he spotted one of their assistants, âRowoon, could you please get me some honey butter chipsââ
âStay still, pleaseâ The makeup assistant repeated. Hyunjin straightened up, speaking through his teeth, ââŠor ramyeon?â
Rowoon looked at him through the mirror, eyebrows shooting up, âUm. Are you sure? You have a pre-recording tomorrowâ
âIâŠhavenât eaten since last nightâ Hyunjin replied.
âLast time you ate itâŠyour face got pretty swollen, and you were pretty beat up about not looking great in the music showâ Rowoon said, grimly smiling.
Hyunjin nodded, gut hurting at that memory of his swollen face, âRight. Never mind. Forget it. Thank youâ
âHow long are we filming for today?â Jisung asked, adjusting his headset in the back. Rowoon looked between them, âWell, you guys are booked until 4 PMâ
Hyunjinâs eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at his phone. 6:43 am. Fuck.
Changbin walked by, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder, slipping toffees into his palm, âThatâll fill you up before the interviewsâ. The candy looked less than appetising, but it was his only option, and he reached to eat some, just as the lady stopped him to apply lip tint to his mouth. Today was going to be a long fucking day.
They were almost done with his hair, braiding it at the top of his head, secured with glitter barrettes. It was an elaborate hairstyle, and he feared heâd ruin it if he moved. It was like walking on eggshells, like his slightest touch would crumble things. Well, everything already seemed to be crumbling. Hyunjin hadnât been in the best of moods since his talk with Eunwoo, and the possibilities of how everything could go wrong loomed over him. The worst heâd feared for was already happening, things set in motion and no matter what he did, he couldnât stop it from worsening. The company knew your name. They knew of your existence. Theyâd already restricted him. Thereâs no way in hell Hyunjin would be able to bring you to Seoul, much less meet you in this city without a hundred documents or cameras being thrown at you. Slowly, all his happiness that had been built up carefully and precisely, was turning into bitterness.
âHave you seen Chan?â Rowoon asked, in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Hyunjin shook his head. Heâd been sitting on this chair for forty five minutes straight. How the hell would he know where Chan was? The hunger and frustration was getting to him, and he shook his head, calming himself down.
âMay I go now?â He looked up at the hair assistant.
She nodded, âJust no quick movements. The hairspray is still settling inâ
Now that he could properly look at himself, it looked good. Having longer hair always set him at the mercy of experimentation for new styles, and often crazy accessories. He smiled at them, pushing the chair back to stand, âOf course. Thank you so much for your hard work. Itâs beautifulâ
In other circumstances, heâd snap a picture and send you, butâŠheâd been on eggshells with you too. Inadvertently, the conversation with Eunwoo had created distance. Hyunjin hated that because none of this was your fault. You shouldnât be subject to this silence from him, but he was constantly looking over his shoulder, paranoid that heâd be caught and it was getting tiring. His carelessness at the party had led to this. He wanted to fully blame himself for not having any self-control when he drunk called you. Yet, a part of him knew that even without the doomed phone call, somehow everybody would have found out anyway. It was only a matter of time. Things never stayed stable for too long in his life.
He walked into the hallway, hoping to find an empty room. There were usually a few reserved for stage props. He could have a few moments to himself, just to talk to you. That could calm him down, and he could apologise for his distance. He didnât know how heâd begin to explain what was happening to you. To anybody else, itâd seem like he was pushing you away and he hoped you understood that it was never his intention.
A door was ajar, sliver of light leaking out into the hallway. He stopped in his tracks, familiar voices inside. He didnât meant to eavesdrop, but they were so loud, âWhat do you want me to say? Iâm doing absolutely everything I can! Jisungâs trial is alreadyââ
âDonât bring Jisung into thisâŠâ Kairiâs exasperated voice interrupted, âWhatâs going on with him is different. You always do this, Chris! Why are you making this your problem?â
âIâm sorry? Theyâre my bandmates. Theyâre my friends. Of course Iâm going to take their burden!â
âJisung is an adult, heâs perfectly capable ofââ
âI made a promise to all of them, Kairi. Iâm not jumping ship when they need me the mostâ Chan sounded so frustrated.
She groaned, âIâm not asking you to jump ship. But Chris you havenât slept in three fucking days! YouâreâŠbarely eating. This is not livingâ
Hyunjin didnât know that, and his blood ran cold at the information as Chan replied, âThis isnât your problem Kairi. ItâsâŠmy problem to deal with. I have to make sacrificesââ
âI had to quit my job because of you, Chris!â She trailed off, Hyunjinâs eyes widened, and he flinched at the aggressive tone. He wasnât new to their arguments, especially over the last month, but none were like this. This felt like the culmination of something that had been building for months, even years. Kairi was always so sweet, and her volume returned to normal, âI meanâŠI had to quit because of us. I made sacrifices too. So yes, it is my problemâ
Chanâs voice dropped, âWell, I donât want you to make sacrifices for meâ
âThatâs what people do when they love each other. Iâm sorry but thatâs just a reality youâre going to have to accept Chrisâ
âDo weâŠhave to talk about this now? The interviews start soon, and I canât focus on themââÂ
âIâm so worried about you, Channie. I donât know how youâre going to make it through the morningâ
Chan groaned, âI donât know either, but I have to do it for the boys. I canâtâŠlet them downâ
Hyunjinâs chest ached now, a different kind of pain settling in. Why were they all making sacrifices for each other? They were only in their twenties, pushing for their dreams; this instability shouldnât be normal.
Kairi sighed, âSee, thatâs exactly the problem. Why do you always take the blame for everything? Even when Hyunjin was gone, you made it your mission to do damage control for him. Not everything has to be your burdenâ
At the mention of his name, he really should walk away and learn to mind his own business, but he couldnât help but overhear, feet rooted to the floor as Chanâs voice softened with a new desperation and frustration, âThey mean everything to me. You know thatâ
âThey do to me too, Chris. I know this is a horrible timeâ
âHyunjin?â He heard Jisungâs voice call for him in the hallway. He needed to head back. An entire press and interview team was waiting for them, only a few rooms over and if he listened any further, heâd be in no state of mind to answer questions. But of course as he stepped away, he picked up on the last bit of conversation, âDid you know HR gave Hyunjin the papers?â Chan laughed bitterly, âTheyâre already prepared for the worstâ
Kairi sighed, and he could hear her footsteps as she moved closer to Chan. Only dread filled his stomach as he heard the next sentence out of her mouth, âThatâs their job. You have to not make it your problem this time, Chan, IâmâŠso worried about your health. And thatâs Hyunjinâs responsibility. He knew what he was getting into when he started seeing her. It was bound to happen. It always does.â
Hyunjin didnât stick around to hear Chanâs response.
He had heard enough.
»»ââââ-
âHyun, can I come see you?â
The question was expected, but Hyunjin was shocked when you said it anyway. He froze, choking at his words. A few days ago, he would have been overjoyed at this. After all, heâd already bought the tickets and made all the arrangements for you to come see him, butâŠthings had changed. It was too risky. He didnât have the heart to tell you about his conversation with Eunwoo. What was the point after all? Hyunjin let out an awkward fucking chuckle, âW-what?â
âUm, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I justâŠI really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like youâre going through a lot. Maybe itâll help.â Your voice was far away, drenched in longing.
It wasnât out of nowhere, it was only what Hyunjin had been planning since forever. But nothing went to his fucking plans, âIâŠIâm not sure, Y/Nâ
Your voice deflated, disappointed, âYeah?â
His heart broke, but it had become increasingly clear that it would be the dumbest idea ever to have you come visit. If anybody saw themâŠif anything got outâŠhe wasnât prepared to deal with that, âYeah. Fuck, Iâm so sorry but IâŠI donât think I can meet you. Right now, with everything thatâs going on, I honestly donât have the time andâŠâ
âYeah. I understandâ Of course you understood, no matter how shitty Hyunjin kept behaving. For once, he wished youâd actually yell at him.
âIâm sorryâ He swallowed, and he could feel the life being sucked out of him.
Your response was sweet as usual, âItâs okay. Itâs bad timingâ
âItâs bad timingâ He repeated, and Hyunjin suddenly had a horrible feeling that maybe this was the last straw. Things had slipped out of his control. Soon, eventually, you would too.
»»ââââ-
The seasons were changing, but flowers bloomed all year long in Seoul, and so Hyunjin had prepared early. Heâd bought the Camellia seeds so he could grow winter flowers on his own, and see their life unfold before his eyes. Even if everything else seemed to be falling apart, at least he could try to be consistent and paint his feelings away. The yellow falling leaves and orange tree cover taken over the city inspired his many paintings. Usually, youâd send him pictures of every little detail from back home, especially of changing landscapes and beautiful natural sights of town, but you hadn't shared anything the past week. He wondered what autumn would look like in Daejon. Now that his conversations with you were thinning out, he had an irrational fear that heâd never find out.Â
âEverything okay?â
âSorry?â Hyunjin snapped out of it, and Changbin looked at him, concerned. âYouâre in your head again. Is something bothering you?â
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, âNo, Iâm goodâ
Changbin clearly wasnât convinced, because his expression softened, and he reached a hand out, âHey, why donât you go wait in the car? Iâll bring the Americano out to youâ
But he was so past being taken care of or worried about. So Hyunjin shook his head. The idea of waiting in the car sounded absolutely horrible right now. He needed fresh air, and he was perfectly capable of getting his own cup of coffee.
âNo, I got this. Why donât you let me get this for us?â Hyunjin asked, pushing his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. It was getting colder by the day, and even in this temperature-controlled cafe, he was cold to the bone. Changbin grinned, shooting him a cheesy wink, âWell, Iâll never say no to being treated by youâ
A smile tugged at Hyunjinâs lips. Changbin could find the brevity in each situation. Hyunjin walked up to the cashier, placing an order for their usual. âCould I have two coffees, black, please?â He asked. The cashier, a girl probably in her 20s, smiled wide at Hyunjin, âIs that all?â
He glanced at the pastry counter, and everything looked so appetising. Yet he was on a diet and couldnât afford to do this. Everybody would be so disappointed in him, âNo, thatâs allâ
âSorry, but doâŠI know you?â She asked, punching in his order. Hyunjinâs brows shot up, and he thought heâd concealed his identity enough with the hat, but clearly the rest of his expensive outfit was a dead give-away that was he was some big shot. They had another schedule after this, so they were dressed up and he was draped head-to-toe in luxury items, âUm. I just have one of those faces, I guessâ
The girl didnât look convinced, âRightâŠIâll have your coffee out in a few minutesâ
He stepped aside, joining his friend to the side. Changbin had a huge grin on his face still and Hyunjin was thankful to have his positivity surround him, âThat chick was totally flirting with youâ
âWhat?â Hyunjin shook his head, pushing the receipt in his coat pocket, âShe barely said two words. You think everyoneâs flirting with meâ
âWell, why are her and all her friends giggling and looking at you?â Changbin rolled his eyes. Hyunijn looked back, and sure enough, the cashier and her coworkers were looking at him. Maybe they shouldnât have come in here today. It was too close to the comeback. He shook that thought from his head. He was desperate for coffee.
âExcuse me, sir? Your coffee is readyâ The girl said, and Hyunjin stepped back up. She was smiling, flushing red under her uniform cap, and as she handed them the cups he noticed a piece of paper stuck to it. Changbin glanced at it, eyes widening as they stepped away, âIs that her number?â
âI donât knowâ Hyunjin mumbled, unfurling the paper. This definitely was the most romantic way heâd been asked out. It was her Instagram handle, and a note was stuck to it, Hope you liked the coffee, handsome. Maybe we could get a stronger drink later tonight?Â
âWowâ Hyunjinâs brows shot up, and he pushed the note into his pocket too. Itâd be thrown away later, âThatâsâŠcertainly a bold moveâ
âPlease tell me youâre going on that dateâ
Hyunjin shook his head, amused at how light-hearted dates and budding love could be for Changbin, âIâŠhave plansâ
âWhat plans? Youâre a recluseâ
âI was going to talk to Y/N tonightââ He trailed off, eyes landing on someone familiar in the crowd. Hyunjinâs breath hitched.
It was a while since heâd seen her. Years, at this point.
She was sat at a far table, laughing over a cup of coffee and croissants. She seemed better than she had in years. Happier than sheâd ever been around Hyunjin. Right now, she was glowing. The cause of her happiness seemed to be a boy sitting across her. A guy dressed in flannel and suit pants, chunky glasses on his face. Hyunjin couldnât look away as the boy leaned forward, kissing her cheek quickly. She smiled, and then the cashier called out, âCoffee for Yujinâ
She kissed the boy before standing up. She walked towards them, and Hyunjin was still standing stupidly at the counter. She noticed him, eyes widening, coming to a stop. Almost instantly, the life drained from her face.Â
A stark difference from a moment ago, when she was so happy. Hyunjin didnât know what to do; he raised a hand; a small, non-threatening wave. Things between them had ended in peace, after all. Yujinâs face traversed many expressions before she settled on a calm look, âHyunjin. WowâŠhi. ThisâŠis such a surprise. HelloâŠChangbinâ
Hyunjin nodded, hoping this interaction wasnât being watched, âItâsâŠbeen a while, Yujinâ
She was still beautiful, smiling to diffuse the tension, âI didnât expect to see you around hereâ
Hyunjin nodded, hands squeezing his coffee cup, âYeah. IâŠdonât come here too oftenâ
She nodded, familiarity returning to her gaze, âAh. Too easy to get recognised?â
Hyunjin nodded along, even though that wasnât the reason. He hated how his life seemed to revolve around his fame, and not his choices, like maybe he didnât come here because he just liked another coffee shop more. Changbin took over, noticing the awkward shift in Hyunjin, âUm, so how have you been, Yujin? You look good!â
She smiled at him, âIâm great. Iâm actually doing really well⊠I, uh, moved out of the city, closer to the outskirtsâ
âReally?â Hyunjin asked. He wondered why she would make such a decision. Sheâd trained with him for years, until sheâd suddenly dropped out of the idol industry, but back when Hyunjin knew her and dated her, they had the same ambitions. The same thirst to be recognized, to be respected, and known for their talent. Thatâs why they had got along so well.
âHmm, the city got too much for me sometimes. Anyway after I met Haru, it just seemed like the right choice to makeâ
âHaru. Is thatâŠyour boyfriend?â Hyunjin asked, noticing the boy back at the table.Â
âWellâŠâ She giggled, lifting her hand up to show them the glittering, gorgeous ring, âFiancĂ©, actuallyâ
Changbinâs eyes widened, âYouâre engaged?â
She nodded, a dimple in her cheek, âHaru asked me a few months agoâ
Hyunjin forced himself to smile, but there was a deep pit in his stomach, recalling the conversations they used to have back in their days as trainees. They were never that serious to talk about weddings, or marriage. They both knew it was only an attraction between them and would stay that way, but he remembered a specific conversation where Yujin had said that the only disadvantage of becoming famous was the love life theyâd be giving up. He was happy for her now. She hadnât had to give it up after all, âCongratulations, Yujin. ThatâsâŠreally goodâ
âNever too early to settle down, am I right?â She laughed, âWhat about you, Jinnie? How have you been?â
âIâmâŠgood too. SoâŠwhat are you doing these days?â He redirected the conversation back, curiosity brimming at him. What did someone do once theyâd left the idol life? They were free to do absolutely anything, the choices were limitless. Heâd never known a life without rules. Heâd been training since he was fourteen, after all. She shrugged, âIâm doing a bit of everything. I volunteered at an organisation for a while, I tested my hand at photography, modelling even, but then I realised I really donât want to be around cameras of any kindâ She laughed, âI teach now, thoughâ
âThat sounds really nice, Yujin. Iâm glad you get to do something you loveâ
âWell, you too! Youâre absolutely thriving, Hyunjin. I see you every day with all your brand deals and advertisements. Does it ever get tiring being pretty all the time?â
Hyunjin smiled, âItâsâŠpart of my jobâ
âWell, you deserve it. I remember how focused you used to be. You were my motivation, you know? It should have been obvious that life wasnât for me. I hated everything. My favourite part of the academy used to be seeing youâ At those words, the boy, Haru joined her, slipping an arm around her waist, âEverything all right, baby?â
She glanced at him, âShit, I totally forgot to get the coffee. Just ran into some old friendsâ
Haru laughed, âDonât worry, Iâll get it for us, babe.â He kissed her again, with no hesitance of being seen by so many people, and went to pick up the drinks. Changbin conversed with Haru, as Yujin asked Hyunjin, âI read that you went on a break for a couple of months. That must have beenâŠwow, relieving?â
He swallowed, âYeah, it was really good, butâŠIâm back to work nowâ
âThat mustâve been nice. I donât know how you do it, Hyunnie. I remember when we training together, you wouldnât leave the practice room for days. Still the same?â
Hyunjin nodded. Yujin had changed so much from when heâd last met her. Had he changed at all?
Haru smiled at him, âThank you for taking good care of her then. She tells me about those days a lot. It must have been thrilling to keep it a secret from everyoneâ
Hyunjin shook his head, smiling politely at him, âIt was terrifying actuallyâÂ
They laughed. Haru pulled Yujin into his side again as she said, âWellâŠthis was unexpected, but if your schedule permits, you and the boys are always welcome to the engagement party. Itâs the end of Decemberâ
Changbin sighed dramatically, âUnfortunately, weâre working the whole monthâ. Yujin frowned, âThatâs terribleâŠ.I would suggest catching up after that butâŠme and Haru are going to be gone for three monthsâ
âOh, where are you going?â Changbin asked.
âBackpacking through Europeâ She responded chirpily, âHaruâs really into art and sculptures, so we have this silly idea to visit every museum in Parisâ
âThat sounds really goodâ Hyunjin smiled, but he was drowning so deep in his thoughts he could barely focus. What a nice life. It was strange, the last time he saw her, she was in the same boat as him. Training to be an idol, like him. But their paths had diverged, and envy settled in him. He was so lucky to have his life, but he wished he could just take off like that too on vacation, no questions asked. Changbinâs phone buzzed and he apologised, âUm sorry to stop this, but we gotta go. Eunwooâs calling us back in to workâ
Hyunjin nodded, âOh, of course. It was great to meet you Yujin, and you too, Haru. Congratulations again, on the engagement. I hope you have a good time in Europe. Iâm really happy for youâ
Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjinâs wrists.Â
»»ââââ-
A fire burned within him, a quiet inferno consuming his peace. He couldnât stop thinking about Yujin and what her life was like now. Sheâd rebuilt it to something so special. She would never have that peace of life if sheâd stayed in her company or with Hyunjin. He sat at the company table, signing albums, and it was a monotonous task so his thoughts kept drifting.Â
âJinnie. Your phoneâ Jisung mumbled, poking him with a pen. Hyunjin lift his head to see it buzzing across the table. You were calling. He took a breath, walking out to talk to you. You were the only thing that could make this horrible fucking day better. He hoped you werenât still upset at him rejecting your offer to come to the city. Hopefully, youâd understand. Everything was too treacherous. HyunjinâŠwas too treacherous for you right now. Still, he listened to you about your day, and how youâd apparently made up with Yongbok. He smiled, lowering his voice as employees passed him in the corridor, âWhat did you guys do?â
As you told him everything he wished he was doing with you instead, Hyunjin faded into thought again until you said, âUmâŠand something else happened. When we were talking, Yongbok said somethingâŠHe told me he loves me. That he has his entire lifeâ
He wished he was more surprised.
A cynical stupid part of him was happy at this. So Yongbok finally told you. Bitterness settled into his veins, scorching him from the inside out, and Hyunjin found himself thinking that maybe with Yongbok, you could finally have the life he couldnât give you.
When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.
»»ââââ-
He woke to fresh flowers on his desk. Baby blue, lilac, pink and white. All shapes and colors. The scent is what woke him up. It starkly contrasted to the dying hydrangeas that he still hadnât thrown away. Heâd been meaning to draw them in that state. A cruel render of their destruction.Â
The comeback was in a few days. Their album would finally be out to the public. There was so much to do today, and he lay in bed just a little longer to enjoy the temporary peace. A press conference was underway soon, and he would have to put on his best self. It was going to be live-streamed and there were no doubts that heâd be asked about the hiatus. He worried if the music would be well received, if it would surpass everyoneâs expectations. Hyunjin finally crawled out of bed and read the little notes attached to the bouquets. Congratulations on your 4th successful studio album. Never forget how lucky and blessed you are~!
He walked into his kitchen, sweatpants hanging low, sleep clouding him, to see even more flowers on the island. âWho sent these?â He asked, rubbing his eyes.
Jisung looked sorrowful though, ignoring the bouquets entirely.
âWhatâs wrong?â Hyunjin asked, the worst scenarios playing in his head.
He swallowed, âThey broke upâ
His stomach was a pit at the news, âWhen?â
âLate last night. ChanâŠstill hasnât come home yet. We have no idea where he isâ
âWhat? How do you know they broke up?â
âKairi texted Binnie. She was worried. We canât find him anywhereâŠâ
âIâm going to call him" Hyunjin said, rushing to his room.
âWe already tried that, Jinnieâ Changbin spoke, âWeâve been trying since an hourâ
âMaybe heâll pick up my callâ Hyunjin hoped, as the ringer rang in his ear. After eight rings, Chan did pick up. âHello, Chan?â Hyunjin asked, voice soft. Jisung and Changbin moved closer, eyes wide as they observed him. Chan sounded low on the other end, âJinnieâŠ? Is everything okay?â
âYes. Iâm okay. Where are you, Channie? Are you all right?â
âIâmâŠfine. Donât worry. Iâll be back in time for the conferenceâ
âNo, can I please come get you? Let meâ Hyunjin pleaded. There was a pause, and a sigh and then Chan said, âIâm at the old dormâ
âIâll be right thereâ Hyunjin hung up.
âNo, weâre coming withâ Jisung said, stepping ahead.
âGuys. Let meâŠjust do this on my own. Eunwoo would kill us if none of us are here. Me and Chan will make it to the press conference, I promiseâ
Hyunjin couldnât drive fast enough. For a second, he worried he would forget the way to their old house but it was embedded into him. Itâs where theyâd had their whole beginning, and Hyunjin got there in record time. Kairi meant everything to Chan, and he couldnât imagine what heâd be feeling right now. Chan was always there for him, and he felt personally responsible to make sure he was all right. The old dorm building looked run-down; it had been falling apart for years, even when the boys lived there, and he chose the stairs over the rusty old elevator. On the fourth floor, there was an alcove. It was hidden behind a door that was sometimes locked, but he pushed it open. Chan was sitting inside, on the window seat, a soft smile on his face when he saw Hyunjin approach.
âJust you?â He tilt his head, seeing nobody else follow, âI thought the cavalry would show upâ
Hyunjin shot him a soft smile, leaning against the door, âJust meâŠ.can I join you?â
Chan pat the empty seat next to him, and Hyunjin sat down. This is where Chan was always found, back when they still lived here. Itâs where he came to think. To write their greatest hits. To ponder about lifeâs biggest mysteries. It was always his place, and Hyunjin could see why he loved it so much. It was hidden, like a secret room. Ignoring the cobweb in the corner, it was cosy. A faded old painting hung on the wall, rickety floorboards that probably hid treasures inside, a window that looked out onto an alley. The alley was something special in itself. It was between two apartment buildings, and a little bakery was carved into the side of the building. The few times Hyunjin sat here with Chan, heâd seen bakers arrive at three in the morning, loading powdered sugar and other ingredients in, creating storms and clouds of sugar. It was always a beautiful sight.
âWhat happened, Chan?â Hyunjin ended up asking, cutting to the chase. They both knew why he was here. Chan swallowed, looking wistful, âIâm fine, if thatâs what youâre wondering. Iâm going to be okay. I just neededâŠa day to let the sadness outâ
âYou can take more than thatâÂ
âNot really. I canât afford to, not this week. I gotta put on my best selfâ
âWeâll understand if you donât.â Hyunjin frowned, admirable of Chanâs resolve, âIf you want to talk about it, Iâm hereâ Chan glanced at him, a smile on his face, âI know you are, Jinnie. Youâre actually the best, and the worst person to talk to this aboutâ
âWhy the worst?â Hyunjin frowned.
Chan laughed, âYou donât want to hear the good part first?â
âNoâŠâ
âThe worst becauseâŠI know what you felt about me and Kairi⊠I feel responsible for how you see the world, crazy as that sounds. I know you had to hear our arguments the past few weeks, Iâm sorry about that. I feel like I took away all your hope.â
Hyunjin swallowed, âItâs not your fault. Iâve had minimal hope to begin withâ
Chan laughed, loudly, âGod, Jinnie, thatâs really fucked up, you know? It shouldnât be this way. We should be out there, showing our girls the best timeâ
âYou shouldnât apologize to me for your break up, Chan,â Hyunjin emphasized.
âWow. Breakup. That sounds insane to sayâ He breathed in a sigh, as it was finally settling in, âTo think I was going to ask her to marry me in a few monthsâ
Hyunjin felt emotional. Heâd known and adored their relationship for the longest time, âIâm so sorry, Chan. I donât know what to say, I wish I couldâŠmake this betterâ
âYou donât have to. IâmâŠhappy youâre here. Kim Soohyun asked to see my phone last night. I donât know why, but I deleted every conversation with Kairi. I suppose I panicked. I shouldnât have done that, because now all my best memories with her are just thatâŠmemoriesâ
Hyunjin swallowed, and maybe all the reading poetry had rotted his brain. His heart was starting to shrivel, just like the Hydrangeas that were out of bloom. Once he got home, maybe it was the right move to erase his chat history with you too. A small way of shielding himself from the damage that could follow. His memories with you would be lost, but his carelessness would only hurt the boys more.
Chan reminded him far too much of you, the way he held onto memories, objects, and tangible things with an iron grip. He recalled how sad youâd felt erasing the little star youâd drawn from Hyunjinâs face. It had meant so much to you. Maybe he was becoming more like you every day too, which is why the dying flowers still rested on Hyunjinâs desk when he should have thrown them out weeks ago. He ended up saying something that only halfway made sense, âI want to say thatâŠthe things weâre meant for will always come back to us, but⊠I stray further from that thought every day, so I would be lying if I tried to convince you of thatâÂ
Chan smiled sadly, and he held something within his hands, âYouâre the most romantic person I know, even without trying to beâ
Hyunjin laughed, bitterly, âI think itâs safe to say Iâm doomedâ
Chan turned to him, âDonât say that, Jinnieâ
Hyunjin shook his head, facing him, âI came here for you, not to talk about meâŠyou know you have me, always, right?â
âI knowâ Chan leaned in, wrapping his arm around Hyunjin. It was an awkward half-hug but Hyunjin relaxed into the embrace, whispering, âIâm so sorry it didnât work out with Kairiâ
Chan pulled away, a sincere smile on his face, âThank you. We should probably get going if we want to make it in time for the conferenceâ
âYouâre rightâ Hyunjin nodded, but they made no attempt to move, trying to lengthen this short-lived peace.
âSometimes I wonder if itâs worth it.â Chan muttered, and itâs only then that Hyunjin realised what he held in his palm. A diamond ring. The one he was going to propose to Kairi with.
âWhat?âÂ
âWhat our lives are like. Do you never question that?â Chan asked. Hyunjin had never heard him talk like this, and he couldnât comprehend this. Chan had built them up from the ground up, worked his ass off to get them to where they are. In fact, he couldnât bear to see this side of him. He shouldnât be questioning all his hard work, or that all would have been for nothing. Out of all people in the world, Chan couldn't be the one to lose hope. He was their rock.
He felt for Chan. So much. Yet, this train of thought was so dangerous. What would happen to them if they all started hating their job? They had never been forced into this career, theyâd made their choices of their own volition, even if it was done as a teenager who didnât know what heâd be giving up, but theyâd gained so much too. The lifestyle Hyunjin ledâŠpeople would kill for. 14-year-old him would kill for this. And heâd be so proud of him for it too. So, why was he questioning everything now?Â
âNo, I donâtâ Hyunjin said. It was a lie, but he would sell it to Chan, for his sake, âWeâre doing something impossible for most people to even imagine in the world. The impact that you have on people isâŠunreal. Millions of people love you, and you inspire them. You inspire me to work harder everyday. So, I donât question if itâs worth it, and you shouldnât either, Chanâ
Something in Chanâs eyes changed, as if he had never expected him to say this. Hyunjin, the romantic, would never have said that. Love felt like the core of his life. He was hungry for it, but there was more than one kind of love.
So later that week, when Hyunjin stared at his phone in his hands, it was filled up with memories of you. Every phone call, each picture youâd sent him, each sweet thought heâd scribbled in his notes but never had the chance to send you. The press tour had already begun, and the boys were knee-depth in stress, and Hyunjin could never let himself add to that. Kairi had talked about sacrifices, and he finally understood it. Maybe it was cowardly to never explain to you what was happening, but it was easier. He didnât have the heart to delete the past few months, so he took Eunwooâs advice and changed his number instead.
Sorrow settled in his chest as Hyunjin realised that he would go to the ends of the earth for you, but perhaps that wasnât still enough. He wasnât willing to give this life up, and this was a sacrifice he was going to have to make.
»»ââââ- Present Day.Â
You only had the moonlight to guide you tonight.
There were hardly any streetlights this far out. It was pitch black, and the glow of the moon fell upon Hyunjinâs face, tracing each contour perfectly. You were trying real hard to not look at him. He was drumming his fingertips against the steering wheel and it was annoying. It kept grabbing your attention, and youâd glance at him only to remember you couldnât do that anymore. You couldnât spend time marveling at his little mannerisms becauseâŠthings had changed.Â
All you could do was listen to the conversations of the backseat. Chan was mumbling something to Kairi, and their voices had dropped in volume since youâd pulled out of the parking lot. Each syllable was spoken in a whisper, like it was a secret between them, and you felt like you were eavesdropping. Still, there was not much else to focus to. You definitely were not going to focus on the boy sitting next to you.
âI know that it couldâve been betterâŠbut I hope that you still had a good time todayâ Chan said softly, and through the rearview mirror, you saw that theyâd laced their hands together. Kairi was leaning into him, fingers interlocked, and you looked down at your hands. The empty spaces between your fingers bothered you.Â
âI did, Chrisâ Her eyes were closed, but she smiled, âHonestly, it was a pretty special birthdayâ
You averted your gaze, giving them privacy. Hyunjin kept glancing in the mirror briefly before looking back to the road. There was a small smile on his lips. He used to talk about them so much. He must be happy with this outcome. You didnât know the details of what had gone wrong with their relationship, youâd never pried, but it must have been hard getting back together after all that heartbreak and pain.
âIâmâŠreally fucking tired. I might pass out any secondâ Kairi announced, followed by a yawn.
âDonât worry. Hyunjin is a smooth driverâ Chan reassured, âIsnât he?â
Hyunjin nodded, eyes flickering to Chanâs, âOf course. And um, Kairi, if youâre cold, I have an extra jacket in the backseatâ
There was rummaging and then Kairi gasped, having found the jacket, âThis is so stylish. I missed your clothes, Jinnieâ
âHey, hey. What are you trying to imply?â Chan complained. Kairi giggled, and Hyunjin laughed, âYour girlfriend is a fan of color, Chan. Thatâs not my faultâ
âHow predictable of youâ Chan mumbled, and you could see him rolling his eyes. You drifted out of their conversation, looking out the window at the passing landscape. Trees drifted by in a blur and there was hardly any civilisation out here. Miles and miles of nothing.Â
âDonât you agree?â Kairi laughed, hand landing on your shoulder, and she was talking to you.
âSorry?â You asked, âAgree with what?â
âFuck. Did I wake you?â She apologised, âI didnât realise you fell asleepâ
âNo, no, Iâm up. I was just distractedâŠ.â You replied, clearing your throat. This conversation warranted another glance from Hyunjin, as if he was checking to see what you were distracted by. You returned his gaze with indifference, raising your eyebrows. He immediately looked away, back to the road.
âWell, I was telling Chris that your friends, Minnie and Jamie are one of the cutest couples Iâve ever met. I mean, I hardly see relationships that strong here; people are usually just serial datersâ Kairi explained.
âOh. Rightâ You nodded, thankful to have the context, âTheyâreâŠreally cute, yeahâ
âA serial dater?â Chan asked.
âYeah. Dating apps will do that to you, especially in midtown. Take my advice now, never get on one, youâll be fighting in the trenchesâ Kairi laughed. The trees were whizzing past so fast it made you dizzy, you mumbled, âItâs funny. Dating apps could never work back homeâ
âCause you know everyone? Is that really true?â She asked. You nodded, âI mean, yeah. You go to school with the people technically in your dating age range, and there are only five restaurants and hang-out spots, so youâre always bumping into each other. Itâs impossible to not know everyoneâ
âWas that ever weird?â Kairi asked, âLike seeing your ex at dinner or something?â
A small laugh escaped you, âIt actually sucked. You couldnât escape themâ
âDid you ever run into her exes?â Chan asked, and it took you a second to realise the question was directed at Hyunjin. It took him a few seconds and he sat up straighter, mumbling quietly, âNo.â
You blinked at his nonchalance, trying not to let this phase you. This could be a normal car ride if you just let it. Suddenly your gut was hurting with anxiety and you looked out the window again, away from him.
âWell, thankfully, Iâve never had to deal with that,â Chan spoke, âEunwoo would have a heart attack if one of us was found on those apps. Although thereâs quite a few fake profiles out there with Hyunjinâs face on themâ
âEunwoo?â You asked, ignoring the second part of his statement. It sent jealousy surging through you. Why did you feel jealous by even the thought of Hyunjin being on a dating app? You needed to get a grip on your emotions.Â
âAh. Hyunjin didnât tell you?â Chan asked, so casually, âEunwooâsâŠour manager, of sortsâ
Without thinking, you spoke, âI thought your manager was the lady in the shopâ
âWhat shop?â Chan frowned, confused, âWait, hold up. Youâve met one of our managers, Y/N? Where was that?â You stayed silent, for only a second, wondering if Hyunjin would answer this question. After all, he knew the manager and they were in the shop for a reason. The one where he had ignored you completely, as if you didnât exist. You were only there by accident, after losing your way trying to find the Atelier. To your relief, Hyunjin did speak, âYeah. That was Mrs. GiwonâŠshe was accompanying me on one of the snack runsâ
âAhâ Kairi exclaimed, âSheâsâŠthe worst oneâ
âHeyâ Chan spoke, âSheâs really helpful sometimesâ
âAnywayâŠmoving onâ Kairi rolled her eyes, âShe kind of traumatised me after she busted usâ
âBusted you?â You turned, intrigued. Kairi laughed, âShe walked in on me and Chan making out in the studio! God, that day was hell. She likeâŠactually yelled at me for not maintaining a professional attitude in their buildingâ
âAnd that, of courseâŠled to the no-girlfriend in the studio rule,â Chan mumbled, and through the rearview, you saw him roll his eyes. That seemed like an insane rule to have, especially for adults. You stole a glance at Hyunjin to catch his reaction. He looked straight ahead, as if he couldnât even hear this conversation, laser-focused on driving the empty streets. Kairi laughed loudly, âChangbin was the most pissed about that!â
âHe has a girlfriend?âÂ
âNo. That manâs a serial dater, through and through. Heâs too busy producing insane music to have a full relationship anyway. He goes through NDAâs faster than you can say hookup, but honestlyâŠhe enjoys himself so much. HeâsâŠvery popular with all the girlsâ
You wanted to ask so much more about that. NDAsâŠ? So that was a truth and not a rumor. Hyunjin had never mentioned those to you. At the paint and wine event, Sakura and Yeosang had asked him about it, and heâd been cautious about answering. But it was true. All of it felt so silly. Their words came back to you. Imagine sleeping with someone and then signing a contract instead of some aftercare.
If you and Hyunjin had hooked up back in Daejon, would he have also made you sign an NDA? But he fingered you. He let you touch him. He let you cut his hair and give him a handjob in his little bathroom. Did that not ask for an NDA? Or did he just trust you enough? All the possibilities floated through your head, and stupidly, like a stupid girl, you blurted, âSo what all does that NDA cover? Is it just sex orâŠis it like, making out and other things too? And it's legally required?â
At your question, Hyunjinâs grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up.Â
Youâd struck a nerve.Â
Good.Â
It was satisfying to know you had some sort of impact on him. Till now, he was just pretending you didnât exist.Â
Kairi paused, pondering over it, âUmâŠpretty much just sex, but likeâŠI didnât have to sign an NDA every single time. Itâs only if itâs with a new person"
âRightâ
Chan laughed, âI know. It sounds crazy. Especially in the 21st century, but with the internet and everything, you can never be too careful what people will say in a public forum. Hyunjin, didnât you hate them too when we started out?â
Hyunjin cleared his throat, âYeah. Itâs stupidâ
So he would sign them too? How often did he sleep with a new girl? You didnât want to think about this any longer. There was no point wondering about his past when you wouldnât be in his future. Your phone buzzed against the console and you grabbed it, positioning it on the seat between your legs so you could read it. It was a text from Felix.
hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you I know youâve likely forgotten all about me but call me later pleaseâŠI think ill die here without you
A smile pulled at your cheeks, and you typed in a quick reply.
im getting back from a party lixie. It was kairiâs birthday. i miss you guys too :(
âWho are you texting at this hour?â Kairi piped up, leaning ahead, âNate?â. You immediately clicked your phone screen black, even though you had nothing to hide. You just shot her a smile, âJust⊠a friend from back homeâ
Hyunjin probably knew exactly who you were talking about, yet he didnât react. His stone-cold demeanour was really beginning to bother you.
âSo where were you guys, at the party? When we found you, you two were at the cabinsâ Kairi spoke, breaking the tension. You swallowed, wondering if he would answer but he obviously wasnât interested in speaking so you said, âI was dancing. And thenâŠI hurt myself. So Hyunjin took me to the cabin to find a bandaidâ
That wasnât exactly what had happened. You had conveniently skipped over your argument, and the two of you spying on them, but Hyunjin nodded along, following your lie, âYeah. There were no first aid kits there thoughâ
Kairi nodded, âShit, yeah. We didnât think anybody would use the cabins for anything other than sexâŠanyway, I was thinkingggg we should play some game. Itâd be nice to kill the time.â
Chan reminded her, âI thought you were about to pass out, babyâ
Kairi was full of energy now as she suggested, âWell, Iâm wide awake now! I kind of want the celebration to last a little while longer. Y/N, you can pick a game, since you're my guest of honour! Do you know any good ones?â
It seemed like Kairi and Chan had absolutely no fucking idea what happened between you and Hyunjin. They knew you werenât together, but it seemed like they knew nothing more than that. Hyunjin hadnât told them any of the details. They only knew youâd ended things, but not why. By their ease, and comfortâŠit seemed like they didnât even know Hyunjin had been the one to end things with you. The memory of that made your chest clench, with hurt.
The heartbreak felt so one-sided. Everything seemed so easy for him. Had you got everything wrong this summer? Had you read too much into his actions? You felt embarrassed, thinking back to the kind of things youâd said to him. You didnât tell him you loved him, but you pretty much said everything else. He knew more about you than anybody else in your life, and now he wouldn't even talk to you. Youâd been willing to move to the city for him, but he didnât even bat an eye. Being in Seoul suddenly didnât feel worth it anymore.
âSorry, what were you saying?âÂ
âWe still are two hours out of the city. Itâd be fun to play somethingâ Kairi said, glancing at the GPS on the console. Play something? Like a road trip game? This hardly felt like a road trip, it was far too depressing to be one. âIâmâŠgood with anythingâ You spoke, âIâm kind of really tiredâ
âHow about word association?â Chan suggested, âI used to play that with my family as a kidâ
You realised he was waiting for your response so you nodded, âSure. How does it goâŠ? Is there a way to lose?â
âOnly if you take longer than three seconds to answer. We go in a circle, Kairi can start with any random word, you have to say a word related to the previous one, and the person who canât come up with something losesâ
You werenât really in the mood to play, but you would need more energy to protest. Plus, any time interacting with the back-seaters was time removed with the boy in the front seat. Kairi quickly explained the rules, and that it would go clockwise, starting with Hyunjin. He still hadnât reacted to the idea of the game so you werenât even sure if he was playing. Kairi hummed loudly, looking around for inspiration. Dark clouds were forming on the horizon so she naturally said, âThunder!â
âStormâ You immediately said.
âWell, Hyunjin was supposed to goâ Kairi laughed, âIâll go again. Eclipse?â
âCosmicâ Hyunjin replied. A curt, short, emotionless answer. You realised you had to speak now. You mumbled, âUmâŠthe starsâ
âMarilyn Monroeâ Chan said. Kairi laughed loudly, âChris. What the hell?â
âWhat? SheâsâŠa starâ Chan defended. You smiled at their bantering. Kairi rolled her eyes, âNo. Thatâs whatâs called a Freudian slipâ
âExcuse me?â Chan giggled, âDonât psychobabble me. What even is that?â
Kairi laughed, âItâs this theory that if you accidentally say something wrong, you were thinking about it subconsciously. Most people are thinking about sex, so thatâs what a lot of Freudian slips revealâ
âSo what⊠youâre accusing me of wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe?â Chan frowned. She giggled, âNo, Iâm just saying thatâs how it works, smartass. It usually reveals your repressed thoughtsâ
You glanced back at her, âYeah. I guess thatâs what this entire game is about. Although I really donât think Freud has had the best ideas. Some of them areâŠreally regressiveâÂ
Kairi grinned at you, nodding aggressively and she was still tipsy from before, âYouâre so right, honestly. Most of the people I played this game with had no idea what a Freudian slip was. You know, this is why weâre friends. YouâreâŠso fucking cool. Youâre just like meâ
âY/N is not just like youâ Chan laughed loudly.
âExcuse me?â She gasped, offended, âYou just met her. How would you even know what sheâs like?â
Chan chuckled, âYeah, but Iâve been hearing about her all summerââ He suddenly stopped, realising what heâd said. An awkward silence enveloped the car and you did everything not to look at Hyunjin. So⊠Chan had been hearing about you all summer. You knew Hyunjin had told the boys about you. You just wondered what heâd said. What did he know of you? Chan cleared his throat, embarrassed by his slip of the tongue, âI meanâŠ.never mind. Should we continue the game? Hyunjin. Why donât you start?â
Hyunjin swallowed, adjusting his hands on the wheel, âUm. I donât know. Sin?â
Your eyes widened at his word choice, and it was your turn to go next. Sin? What was he even thinking of? Your mind went through the seven deadly sins that you knew of, and you only had three seconds so you blurted, âLustâ
It was Chanâs turn now, and he blanked, eyes widening, âUhâŠpassion?â
You didnât like this tangent of thought⊠and you waited for Kairi to say something. Chan teased, âAre you serious? Youâre gonna loseâ. She yelled, âWait, wait. I know. Yearning!â
It was Hyunjinâs turn to play. His mouth parted, and he was about to say something, but instead he chose not to. He just shook his head, âI donât knowâŠI canât really focus on the game when Iâm drivingâ
Kairi sighed, âCanât believe you lost on yearning, Hyunjinâ
âYeah. My mistakeâ He mumbled. His knuckles were white against the steering wheel. You didnât really want to play this game anymore. You stared out the window, your reflection flickering in the window. You wanted to be home already, and not in this car where you felt like a stranger.
There was so much brevity and lightheartedness in the conversations between Chan and Kairi, and here you wereâŠstruggling to even get a proper hi out. You felt like a stranger, even to Kairi. Youâd only known her for a few weeks, compared to them. The three of them felt like a unit, like a family that was finally complete again. Hyunjin had sang praises of their love, and you could see it now. It wasnât anything grand or impossible, it was so casual and effortless. Kairi and Chan fit together like puzzle pieces, so perfectly, but even more than that, they enhanced each other so simply. There was no fear of misunderstandings, or betrayal. They were giggling in the back, laughing about some inside joke youâd never be able to understand. Perhaps you shouldnât have accepted this ride. Kairi was your friend, but you werenât really welcome here. You were an outsider. Chan must have wanted to keep the conversation going so he said, âSo, Y/N, you were about to tell me about yourself when we got in the carâÂ
You swallowed, âUm, I didnât know I was going to be doing thatâ
Kairi teased, âYeah, Chan. I thought you knew all about her, and how me and her are so similarâ
Chan giggled, âIt was a figure of speech. No, but seriously, Y/Nâ
You bit your lip, and a deep sadness was overwhelming you. One youâd been trying to escape for months but it seemed impossible now. Youâd genuinely enjoyed the party, until heâd showed up. Heâd ruined everything. It had taken so long for you to not think about him. Now you felt like you were sinking again, âUmâŠwhat do you want to know? I came here to study art. Thereâs not really much to tellâŠYouâre the one who has a really interesting life."
Chan frowned, âCome on. Thatâs not a real answer. I wanna know you, not answers youâd type in on some Facebook pageâ
You were at a loss for words, and you mostly just felt conscious around Hyunjin. You always hated introductions like this, and icebreakers, especially around someone you wanted to like you. Chan seemed amazing, he was brilliant so how could your little life possibly impress him? Youâd done nothing that would have an impact on anyone, unlike them. Anything you say would be so boring. So you settled for a basic fact about yourself, a preface to your personality, âWellâŠI used to work in an artââ
âSheâs a really good artistâ Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.
Your gaze snapped to his.
âOh yeah?â Chan asked, surprised.
âYupâ Hyunjin cleared his throat, âSheâs in the most prestigious program of the countryâÂ
Chan smiled, âWow. ThatâsâŠamazing, Y/N. You should be bragging about that stuffâ
âThereâs only likeâŠ25 people that get in from across the worldâ Hyunjin continued talking, staring right ahead so casually. There was a knot in your stomach, and he had the faintest of a smile on his face as he talked about you. It was more than heâd given you in the past hours, âSheâs one of the few domestic studentsâ
âWhat? You didnât tell me that!â Kairi exclaimed, hand reaching out to tap you. But you were speechless, staring at Hyunjin. Why did he just do that?
âWell, now youâve got to show me your art, Y/N!â Chan grinned, âHyunjinâs got pretty high standards when it comes to those, so Iâm curiousâ
You nodded, forcing a smile at him, âYeahâŠum, maybe laterâ
âWell, I hope you taught Hyunjin something tooâ Chan laughed.Â
Hyunjin nodded, and there was a hint of emotion as he spoke, âShe didâ
You chewed on your lower lip, fiddling with your jacket, thinking about his words, even long after heâd said them.
The barren highway enveloped the car in darkness, and the tiny GPS screen was the only light source. You stared ahead, watching the road lit up in the headlights, uncovering more of the unknown every second. There was nobody else out here. It was spooky, and you hated the feeling. You felt trapped in this metal contraption. Hyunjinâs fingers tapped lightly on the steering wheel, a familiar rhythm, probably calming his nerves down. The backseat noise had died down, and it seemed like the tiredness had finally hit Kairi. The only indication of passing time was the clock on the dashboard. You watched it tick down every second, hoping it would go faster. The city was still so far out. You leaned back onto the seat, watching trees whiz past in silence. Hyunjin was so quiet youâd almost think he fell asleep. The only surmountable sound was the heating, and the tapping of his fingers. You closed your eyes, hoping the time would pass faster.
You couldnât help but think of what was waiting for you. There was no lingering excitement. This party had been the only thing youâd been looking forward to for a while. There was so much work back in class, starting Monday. Kim Jieong was expecting so much from you. You felt emotionally drained. He was your only motivation, pushing you to get better. After all, there was nothing else waiting for you back there.Â
Suddenly Hyunjin cleared his throat, drawing your attention. From your peripheral vision, you saw him reach for the radio, fingers hovering over the console, and then he looked to you, âUmâŠmind if I put something on?â
You blinked, distracted by how he looked in the glow of the light. His glasses were thin, hanging on his nose bridge, and his lips were pursed. Heâd bitten them raw. Maybe you werenât the only one anxious in this car. You shook your head, âGo aheadâ
He pressed a button, and life filled the previously stagnant car. An announcer was talking, probably at an all-night radio station, and you asked softly, âWouldnât this wake them up?â
Hyunjin looked at you again, over the rim of his glasses, eyes meeting yours for another torturous split second. In the dark, they looked like pools of black, a darkened gaze as he spoke, âUh, donât worry. I turned the speakers in the back off. Itâs only the front ones that are workingâ
Oh. You didnât even know that was possible. They obviously had access to the best cars with the best technologies. Music began playing, a rock band from the 80s, and you rest your head again, closing your eyes to savour in this newfound peace. It was strange to sit next to the man you desired the most yet have no conversation. For the past few months, it had been impossible to separate you, and the irony of this moment didnât fail to surprise you. Youâd come all the way to Seoul for him. Yet the only sound in the car was Bon Jovi on the radio.Â
âUmââ
âSoââ You and Hyunjin both spoke at the same time.
âSorry,â You apologised, âWhat were you about to say?â
He glanced at you, hand reaching out to the radio again, and you noticed he had new rings on his finger. They looked so expensive, glittering sparkles, and he must have bought them recently. He seemed nervous and he spoke, âI canâŠuh, change the music if you donât like itâ
Your eyebrows shot up. That clearly wasnât what he was going to say. âNo, itâs nice. I like himâ
He nodded, retreating his hand and putting it back on the console. You wondered about the unspoken, but wondering would only kill you. So you shut your eyes again, hands warm in your lap, wishing to be somewhere else. The tune was thrilling.Â
â80âs music is actually one of my favouritesâ
You opened your eyes to look at him, âReally?â
âYeah. I thinkâŠ.their songs are pretty incomparable. I actually got a lot of inspiration for our album from them. I donât know if you heard it; itâs very pop-rock heavy, which isnât what we usually doâ He spoke, a nervous wavering in his voice, as if you two were just getting to know each other.Â
You observed him, âIs that what you were going to say earlier?â
âSorry?â He looked right at you, dark eyes flickering over your features. You felt conscious of how you looked. You were still in his sweater, and your hair was still wet from the swim. You said, âUmâŠyou were about to say something but decided not to. Was that it?â
Realisation sank into his face, lips parting, âNo, I wasâŠgoing to ask you how you met Kairiâ
âOhâŠâ Disappointment filled you. What were you expecting to be said? An apology would be nice actually. Something to start with. You were having trouble grasping that things between you and him were truly over. They couldnât be. Hadnât he only come into your life yesterday, uprooting everything you thought you knew about yourself? Or maybe you were just desperately clinging on to a summer dream that wasnât real.
âSorry. Should I not have asked?â Hyunjin said.Â
âNo, thatâs fine. It was just a crazy coincidence. We were at a barâŠme and my friends, and somebody spilled a drink on her, I just happened to be there. I offered to help her. ObviouslyâŠI didnât know who she was. Later, I realised it was Kairiâ
âThatâsâŠâ Hyunjinâs fingers adjusted on the steering wheel, he spaced them out, glancing at you again, âThatâs really nice of youâ
âYeahâ
âAre you cold?â He asked.
âWhat? Um, no.â You shook your head awkwardly. His sweater was keeping you plenty warm.
âOkayâ
The silence drowned you again, and you focused on the song playing, replaying the previous conversation in your head, clinging to it for life.
âIâŠtried GouacheâÂ
It took you a second to register that Hyunjin was talking to you, again.
Why was he making an effort after what went down earlier? Youâd argued and fought, and now he wasâŠtrying to be nice? Was he trying to make amends? Did he finally realise what an asshole heâd been? Or were his memories of summer coming back to him too? Because every time you looked at him, all you could remember was the calmness of each moment youâd spent with him, and how his skin had felt to touch, and how his body had felt against yours, warm and comforting. How could he not be thinking of that?
âSorry?â You glanced at him.Â
He straightened up, hands clasped before him, âIâŠtaught myself Gouache. I hadnât explored it much before, but I had some time between schedules last month and I decided to give it a shotâ
You didnât know what to say. Gouache was such a difficult pigmented paint medium to work with. You stayed quiet, which somehow⊠he took a sign to continue speaking, âIt was hardâŠbut I found the supplies and tried many styles with it. I couldnât get it right for the longest time but then realised I had the wrong brushes. IâŠthink I prefer it to watercolorâ
âAre you serious?â
He glanced at you, almost surprised that youâd replied even though he had been telling you all of this. He nodded, his lips a thin line.
âGouache can never have the same effect, orâŠeven replace watercolours. ItâsâŠso much more intense. It loses all of its softnessâ You ended up saying.
âHave you worked with it before?â
âIn class. I do all the timeâ You answered, âI donât like it. I prefer acrylics or oilâ
Hyunjin nodded, eyes zeroed in on you again, âDo you have the freedom to choose?â
âChoose what?â
âThe material you want to paint withâ He stated, simply.Â
âYeah. Itâs up to usâ You said.
Hyunjin just nodded, and then silently turned away. As did you. Queen was playing on the radio now, and you liked this song. Somebody to Love. It seemed like Hyunjin enjoyed this song too, because he reached ahead, his bracelets clinking together and he increased the volume just slightly. You glanced in the rearview mirror, and Kairi and Chan were still asleep, cuddled up to each other. Hyunjin was softly singing, under his breath, but he knew all the words. His voice brought a strange calmness to your body, warming it up.
âI canât believe you tried Gouacheâ You mumbled, still thinking about it. You didnât want to initiate conversation with him, not after everything heâd done to your heart. But you were so curious. It was really hard to work with, especially if someone was a beginner.
âCan I show you something?â He asked.
âWhat?â
He looked at you, a newfound energy in him, âTheâŠpaintings Iâve been working onâ
âUnless youâre going to pull overââ
âTheyâre in my phone. You can justâŠsee them thereâ
You glanced at his phone that lay on the console.
âUmâŠare you sure?â You reached for his phone, and it was strange that he completely trusted you with it.
âYeah. I donât mind. Thereâs nothing I have to hide from you. The passwordâŠI can just type it inâ He grabbed it from you, entering random numbers that you couldnât grasp the significance of, before handing his unlocked phone back to you. The wallpaper was a pretty sunset. You recognised the landscape instantly. It must have been the pictures he took on the Ferris wheel with Seungmin, back at the summer carnival. Memories of that flooded through you. It had been a perfect day. You recalled the photobooth pictures that lay in your sketchbook, Hyunjin had put them there for you to find. You still didnât understand why, or how he got a hold of them. As far as you knew, heâd deleted them in front of your eyes. You glanced at him; his eyebrows were knitted as he concentrated on driving, still occasionally mouthing the words to the song. You may never get this chance again. âHowâd you get those pictures?â You broke the silence.
It took him a second to comprehend your question, and he turned casually, âHmm?â
In this angle, confusion on his face, nose scrunched up, he looked so tame, so innocent. You already wished to take back what youâd said, in case it ruin this strange peace. It was too late to back up now as he stared at you so you said, âIn my sketchbook, I found the photobooth strip. The pictures of us kissing. IâŠthought you deleted themâ
His eyes widened, and he turned back to the road, voice dropping low, âOh⊠It doesnât really matter, Y/Nâ
His response irked you. It reminded you again that this was futile, whatever you chased for with Hyunjin. âYeah. It doesnâtâ You agreed, looking back at his phone in your hands. You opened up his picture gallery. Everything was divided into little folders, and his entire life was so organised. If you were his girlfriend, would there be a folder for you in it too? You clicked on the one which was so fittingly named âArtâ. You were annoyed at him but you couldnât pretend, âOh. These areâŠreally good, Hyunjinâ
He clearly gravitated towards drawing flowers and landscapes. Some of them were familiar, most of them were new. There were so many pictures of flowers, at all stages. He must be drawing from life. It seemed like heâd developed a lot of art ever since heâd come back. They were all so intense and bold, no softness to them that watercolour provided. Youâd always thought that Gouache was something in between watercolour and acrylic, a strange midway compromise, yet Hyunjin had made masterpieces out of it, âYou did all of these in Gouache?â
He only nodded in response, as you scrolled through the gallery.
âYouâre crazyâ You said.
Hyunjin let out a laugh, âYou really hate it that much?â
âItâs just difficult to work with, but youâre actually really great at theseâ You stared at the art, and how his technique had improved. All his lines were more confident, pronounced, bolder. Heâd gotten so much better in your absence. Youâd only gotten worse in his.
âSoâŠhowâs the apprenticeship going? Is Kim Jieong as nice as you thought?â He asked. You put his phone back on the console, even though you urged to see everything heâd felt worth storing in his phone. He had asked you a question so you tried to focus on that, âYeah. Heâs really nice. He is so talented. I, um, asked him about the painting, by the way. The one we were talking aboutâ
âThe one about the lovers drowning in moonlight?â
You nodded, hands feeling jittery, unable to stomach this casual conversation, âYup. He was surprised it was my favourite. He thinks I have morbid taste. And⊠the day he took us to your work building, he wanted us to meet some gallery curatorâ
âMust have been Karinaâ
âYou know her?â You glanced at him, hoping your face didnât give anything away. How petty of you to be jealous that he knew another girl. Another artist at that.Â
âSheâs the prodigy I was telling you about. She wants me toâŠexhibit some of my work at a gallery next monthâ
Your eyes widened, and you fiddled with the zipper on the jacket, âOh. ThatâsâŠa big deal. Are you allowed to do that?â
He looked at you, âYeah, the company and Eunwooâs really supportive. The fans love it, so he thinks itâs a great stream of revenue and publicity. Any press is good press. He couldnât care less about the artâÂ
âRightâ You nodded, watching him, âWell, maybe Kim Jieong will make it a field trip for us again. Your exhibitionâ
Hyunjinâs lips tugged into a smile, âThatâd be really embarrassing. I wouldnât want all your professional artist friends to judge my workâ
âWellâŠtheyâre not as pretentious as you might think. My friendsâŠtheyâre really nice. Everybodyâs not bad. I meanâŠit was hard settling in, butâŠI think I like it nowâ You were rambling, without meaning to share so much with him. Maybe youâd just been craving to have a real conversation with him all this while. After all, he was the only person in your life who understood, âAnd Kim Jieong is my favourite part of it anyway. Even if everybody sucks. I look up to him a lot. HeâŠeven calls me sweetheart. It always throws me offâÂ
âIsnât that a bit inappropriate?â
You frowned, not expecting that response, âNoâŠhe has different nicknames for everyoneâ
âI seeâ His reply was curt, like he didnât believe that. He cleared his throat, âAnd umâŠyour friends? The other students? Are they cool?â
âI mean, youâve already met Jeonghanâ
âIs that the boy who you were dancing with?â
âYeah, thatâs himâ
Hyunjin stayed quiet for a minute and then he said, âHe has two left feetâ
âExcuse me?â
âSorryâ He chuckled dryly, âWhen you were dancing with him, he almost dropped youâŠlike ten timesâ
âHe only came to the party for me, because I didnât know anybody. Donât make fun of him. He was kind of the best part of my dayâ
âIâm not making fun of him. Itâs just an observationâ Hyunjin mumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes and he looked at you, âAnd I saw your face. You were worried heâd drop you tooâ
âI was notâ Your eyes narrowed, but a stupid smile tugged at your lips, âAnyway. Youâre one to talk. Youâre probably worseâ
He laughed properly this time, looking at you over his glasses, âOh, am I?â
You shrugged, âWeâve never danced together so it could be trueâ
âI think youâre forgetting that Iâm a professional dancer, Y/Nâ His tone was cocky.
You sighed, facing away to look out, âUgh. Do you always have to bring up the idol card?â
âThe idol card?â He repeated, âThatâs my job, what do you mean?â
âJust seems like an unfair advantageâ
Hyunjin chuckled, âFine. Okay. Even if I wasnât a professional dancer, I bet Iâd still be able to take Jeonghan in a dance battleâ
âIâm starting to think that youâre obsessed with himâŠâ
Hyunjin laughed, âI guess I see why you chose him nowâ
Your gaze darted to his, âWhat?â
You arrived at a railway crossing. The signal was loud, and he stopped the car, foot on the brake as he slowed down. âHe is your boyfriendâŠisnât he?â He said, so surely.Â
You stared at him, wondering how he could ask that so casually, so unaffected. Youâd probably die if Hyunjin had a girlfriend. Did he think youâd move on so fucking fast? You woke and fell asleep to the thought of him every day still, months later. You thought of him every waking second. Maybe you should take a book out of Hyunjinâs ability to be vague, âAre you seriously asking me that?â
He looked at you, eyes heavy with emotion. He swallowed, âYeah. I amâ
You stared right back at him, heart pounding fast, âYeah. I am dating himâ
âOhâ He shifted in his seat, âThatâs niceâŠhow long have you known him?â
You couldnât believe he could be soâŠcasual about it. You looked out, âIt doesnât matterâ
Hyunjin nodded, âWell. For what itâs worth, Nate seems like a nice guyâ
You just couldnât comprehend how the fuck he could be so casual about this. As if you two had just been an inconvenient situationship and your lives and souls hadnât completely intertwined this summer. As if youâd just move away, and get a new boyfriend and fall in love. As if you could ever truly move on from Hyunjin. As if he didn't know that you'd been in love with him this whole time. It wasnât that simple. It could never be.
âSoâŠyou really donât give a fuck?â
âIâm sorry?â He looked at you, feigning innocence, âAbout what?â
You could have said so many things. Bitterness clawed out of you. âWell, for what itâs worth, Nateâs a great kisserâ
His eyes widened, and he nodded, voice falling low, âIâm sure he isâ
You couldnât stop. You wanted your words to stab him like little knives heâd dug into your skin all this while, âAnd for what itâs worth, I actually trust himâÂ
Hyunjin tensed up, fists clenching at the wheel. The train was just passing by, and the signal was so loud but you knew he heard you. âIâmâŠglad you trust himâ He ended up saying.Â
You watched him, observing every micro-expression. You could have played along, egged him on, made him believe it. He should hurt too, like you were, but you couldnât wrap your head around this. Was it really so easy for him to move on? He was pretending like nothing ever affected him. Were you seriously the only one who had been invested in the two of you? You let out a laugh, âSo thatâs it?â
âWhat?â He looked at you.
âYou donât care? You really think I would just dateâŠa random guy from my class? Because if you think that, you donâtââ
His brows shot up, âIâm sorry, so youâre not dating him? Why would you tell me you were?âÂ
âDo you care if I was?â
He frowned, eyebrows furrowing, âSeriously? You know I still care about you, right?â
It pissed you off. He had no right to say something like that when he didnât give a fuck about you. He had just abandoned you, with no intention of ever making up things, âI donât know, Hyunjin. I meanâŠeverything youâve done to me the past few months has shown me quite the opposite. That you donât careâ
His eyes widened, âEverything Iâve done to you?â
A scoff escaped you, and you were losing it, âIâm sure you had your reasons for never wanting to talk to me again. I, personally, would have just liked a goodbye or an explanation before you decided to leave. Thatâs just me though. But you know what? Maybe I read too much in what happened this summerâ
He swallowed, shifting to look at you, âLook, it wouldnât have made a difference anyway. I didnât know how to explain and I thought that you would understandââ
How the fuck could he expect you to understand? Your voice shot up, and everything you'd wondered over the past few months bubbled to the surface, âYouâŠpushed me away, Hyunjin. You completely got rid of me! Iâm sure you had your reasons, but I wasnât okay. Iâm still not fucking okay. It was a complete asshole move to block me for months with no explanation. I didnât even know youâre capable of something like that, but you know what, it sucks to find out. In my head, I built you up to be some angel on a fucking pedestal. That was obviously my mistakeâÂ
He swallowed, adam's apple bobbing, and you could see him grappling with what to say. It felt good to render him speechless. It took away from your embarrassment of knowing that Kairi and Chan could probably hear each second of this conversation.Â
âThings were always going to end this way. You knew that, Y/Nâ The way he spoke pissed you off, like he had a rehearsed answer in his head and no real fucking emotions. Why could he just not tell you what he truly felt? Why was he trying so hard to be someone he was not?
A dry chuckle escaped you, and it was better you take out your anger on him because you felt like crying with each word you said, âNo, I didnât know that. if I knew that you were just going to disappear, I would have preferred never to know youâ
His gaze burned through you, âY/NâŠâ
Somebody suddenly knocked on Hyunjinâs window, and you shook away your building tears. It was an officer, and Hyunjin rolled down the window, âYes?â
He leaned in, not knowing what he was interrupting, âExcuse me? The signalâs running at a delay. Thereâs going to be a ten minute hold-upâ
Hyunjin nodded, âOh okayâ
He rolled the window back up, and looked back at you. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even look at him. You hated him and his fucking nonchalance. You swallowed, âI need some airâ
Before he could say something, you opened the door, stepping out. There would be a delay anyway, and hardly any cars were behind you. You walked to the side of the street, taking in a breath, willing yourself to not start fucking cry.
Another car door slammed shut behind you, and Hyunjin followed you out.
âY/Nââ He said, walking around the car, following you to the side.
Your emotions were brimming to the top, and you couldnât keep it in. It would be petty, mean, childish but you deserved to get some answers.
You turned around, voice raising, âIf I hadnât moved to the city, you would have never met me againâ It wasnât a question. You knew he had no plans of returning to town anytime this century, âAnd you were just okay with that? With never seeing me again?â
He closed his eyes, his body towering over you, âItâsâŠnot that simpleâ
âYeah. It is. You didnât even think I was worth an explanationâŠor a proper goodbye?â
âIâŠdidnât know what to say. You just have to believe when I say Iâm doing this for your own goodâ
âReally?â You scoffed, âYou expect me to believe thatâŠ? You couldâve said anything. Anything would have been better than what I got. Just tell me what's going on, pleaseâ
âAnything I said would have hurt youâ His voice was shaking, like he was going to cry. How could he ever explain that he had picked his life over you? That you were the sacrifice he had decided to make?
You loved him, and you couldnât bear to be the reason he cried but you had so many questions. Your voice was loud, in disbelief and frustration, âHow is this any different? You cut me out of your life like it was nothingâ
âIt wasnât nothing. It was just as hard for me asââ
âNo, Iâm not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friendsâŠthe only life I knew, and this place where I donât really fit perfectly, but Iâm trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I loveâŠI canât even love that anymore because I canât fucking stop thinking about you when Iâm painting! Itâs not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didnâtâ Your voice broke.
âBefore I saw you in the shop, I was this close to calling you upâ He held up a small gap between his fingers, âI justâŠalways ended up talking myself out of itâ
A scoff escaped you, at the ridiculousness of his response, âI really have a hard time believing thatâ
âI donât expect you to believe me anywayâ He mumbled. You stared at him, crossing your arms, wondering how everything led to this, âI thought you were different, Hyunjin, from every other guy Iâve known in my life⊠but youâŠâ
He stepped closer to you, running a hand through his hair, âWhat was I supposed to say to you, Y/N? That I never want to see you again? Do you think that would be easy for me to say?â
âI donât know, Hyunjin! I donât fucking know, but anything would have been better than what I got, because the person I knew would never have acted this drastically. So, were you just pretending in Daejon? Or are you pretending now? Because Iâm having a real hard time telling who the real you is, Hyunjinââ
His eyes widened at those words, as if they personally struck him. He grabbed your hands, pulling you closer to him in the process, âY/Nâ Stop. Iâm notâŠI never pretended with youâ
His grip on you was firm, but enough that you could let go if you wanted. You looked up at him, and you were already so emotional, âThen why are you being so cold? Youâve been acting like you donât care, but I donât even know if youâre acting anymore. I feel likeâŠI never saw the real you. Thatâs what youâre making me believeâ
His closed his eyes, shaking his head at your words like they were the worst thing he could hear, âIâm sorryâ
Your eyebrows knitted together, voice fading, âForâŠwhat?â
âForâŠchanging my number and not telling youâ He swallowed, and his hands held yours in between them like a prayer, âForâŠtrying to push you away. For ignoring you in the shopâ
His eyes glimmered with incoming tears, but he cleared his throat, and blinked them away, âIâm sorry I didnât apologise until todayâ
You swallowed. Youâd been waiting for an apology this whole time, but your heart still hurt. There wasnât any explanation. You couldnâtâŠjust believe him. Your heart squeezed so bad, it felt like a heart attack. You blinked away tears.
âThereâsâŠa lot I want to talk to you about, but I canât do it hereâ He swallowed, and there was a cloud of smoke when he talked, it was freezing outside but your heart felt dead, âYou just have to believe me when I say Iâm doing this for your own goodâ
âI donât understandâŠâ
He closed his eyes, and the train at the signal crossing was still passing, giving you a few more moments of his vulnerability, âIâve told you before. If we didnât stop talking when we didâŠit would have led to something more that I canât deny. Iâm not going to regret my choices because I know why I made them. And that doesnât mean I donât care about you. I will always fucking care about you, itâs insane to even think anything else butâŠI canât be in your life, and you canât be in mineâ
Tears threatened to shoot up, but you had some dignity clinging on so you said, âThen what is this? Why are you still being nice to me, making conversation? Why did you show up tonight? Why are you driving me home? If you donât want me in your life, then justâŠstay out of it, Hyunjinâ
He blinked, glossy eyes, and suddenly the car behind you honked. The train had passed, and you were free to cross.
His voice was shaking and this was the most emotion youâd seen in him in months, âIâŠcouldnât leave you at the party. Itâs not safeâŠof course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to youâ
You ripped your hands away from him, âThen I guess itâs a good thing that itâs not your responsibility anymoreâ
»»ââââ-
The rest of the ride was fucking horrible. You stared out the window the entire time, and Hyunjin didnât say anything else. Maybe it really was over now. What was left to salvage? You donât know how much Kairi and Chan had heard, but it didnât matter anyway. They were probably getting back together, which meant you couldnât be a part of this anymore. If Kairi started hanging out with Chan again, you would obviously not be invited. Not after they witnessed you being such a bitch to their best friend. They were friends first, after all. You were the stranger.
âThe next right turnâ You mumbled, as you approached the street you lived on. Hyunjin brought the car to a stop. They were now awake in the backseat. You didnât even know what to say. You unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbing your bag of things, avoiding eye contact with anybody, âThank you for the ride homeâ
âI can walk you homeâ Chan offered.
âIâll be fine. Itâs a minute awayâ You replied, holding your bag to your chest.
âItâs really late outâ Chan replied, insisting. You didnât want to argue with him any further. The longer you argued, the longer youâd have to stay in this car, next to Hyunjin. He was looking at you, but he was pretending real hard not to. The eyes flickering back and forth, it couldnât fool you. Youâd become an expert on all things him. These secretive glances were all you had back then, so how could you not notice them now?
âDonât worry about it, Chanâ You replied, shooting them a smile so they believed you. Chan nodded, and you glanced at Kairi. She looked tired, but she was in his arms, so she was clearly very happy. She smiled warmly, and you wonder if theyâd heard you breaking down. Her voice was soft and sweet, and she grabbed your hand, pressing a kiss to your knuckles, âThank you for a perfect birthday, Y/N. You had a good time?â
âOf course.â You nodded. You were suffocating in here. You reached for the doorknob, but then you heard Hyunjinâs voice, âGood luck with classâ
You couldnât see the look in his eyes, but youâd die for it. You stepped out into the cold, glancing briefly back, âYeah. Thanks.â
It didnât matter because he had already looked away. Itâs like he couldnât bear to see you anymore.
»»ââââ-
âDo you want to talk about it?â Your neighbour, Jeongin, stood in the doorway. You had been standing in the cold for a while, staring at the spot the car had been. It had driven off a while ago, but you could still picture it where it stood. The humming of the engine, the heat, the stupid 80s music stuck in your head. You had been so mean to him. He didnât deserve it.
You looked at him in surprise, âYouâre awake?â
âI work on European timeâ He shrugged, leaning against the doorway. It was freezing cold, and you could feel it in your bones. It had never been this way back home. âLetâs just go insideâ You spoke.
âThat sounds like a wonderful ideaâ He smiled, pulling you in by your arm, âI was wondering how the party wentâ
You followed him up the stairs, feeling like a zombie in each step, âIt was good. I missed you at it. You should have comeâ
âIâm sure Nate kept you plenty companyâ Jeongin laughed, âAre you going to go to sleep now?â
It was almost six am, and the sun was rising. You donât think you could fall asleep with these thoughts in your head. You glanced at him, âWhy? You got something in mind?â
He grinned, like he'd been waiting for you to ask him this. And so you spent the dawn with Jeongin, in his cosy apartment, struggling over a 1000-piece puzzle and downing the red wine heâd brought you. He didnât ask you any questions, which was nice. You wouldnât even know where to start. He was sweet and he was always smiling, telling you about his work and all the new video games heâd bought. You prolonged everything, asking more questions, anything to keep the focus on him. You didnât want to go back to your empty apartment and face your thoughts.
âHow long have you been living here?â You asked. The window in his apartment was bigger than yours, facing out at the busy street, as the city woke up and came back to life.
âAlmost my entire life. Moved here when I was twelveâ He told you. You couldnât bring yourself to be excited about this anymore, or about anything else. You missed your friends, the familiarity and comfort of them. You missed the diner, and itâs cheap coffee.
âDoes it ever get easy?â
He laughed, âHonestly, no. SeoulâŠis hard to fall in love with, but once you doâŠyou never go backâ
You sighed, placing the final piece of the puzzle. You missed your art shop. It had always kept you safe and happy. If you knew it was going to be this hard leaving that behind, you would have thought twice, âI thinkâŠsome people probably never get used to it. That makes me sadâ
âYeah?â He asked, âBut youâre used to it now, arenât you? You once told me it was written in the stars for you to come hereâ
âI donât know if I believe in that anymoreâ
He relaxed on his couch, âIâm sure things will change. Youâll find something worth staying forâ
You shrugged, pushing the puzzle to the side and it fell apart, all the pieces getting jumbled up. He didnât complain about you ruining your hours worth of hard work. He just watched you grapple with your thoughts. You looked up at him, feeling hollow inside, âI think I made a mistake, Jeonginâ
»»ââââ-
Kairi had apparently found the best dessert shop in the city. She had pleaded you for hours until youâd decided to come. There were no seats inside the place, it was so busy, and so you and Kairi sat on a patio table outside. You looked around, as you swirled your hot coffee around. There were no leaves on the trees anymore. Winter had finally come.
âIâm going to bring Chris this when he gets backâ She spoke, through a mouthful of brownie, âHe doesnât really have a sweet tooth, but I know he will love this. I once baked the boys this cake for Jisungâs birthday, and Chris said he hated it, but I saw him eat all the leftovers later. He literally stole mine too!â She laughed.
âWhen heâs back from where?â
âOh, right. Theyâre in Japan. They had a flight the morning after my birthday, remember? Well, theyâre supposed to show up at an event in Tokyo, and then they come back home for a few days, until they go back again. Itâs the end of the season so thereâs a bunch of award showsâ She told you, sprinkling sugar crystals into her coffee. You didnât know that they were in an entirely different country, âMust be hard. All the flying back and forthâ
She shrugged, taking a sip of her drink, âNot really. Theyâre used to it at this point. Itâs tiring, butâŠin their line of work, they have to learn to adjustâ
Maybe that was your biggest flaw. You couldnât adjust. To a different life, to new friends, to a new bed. To a life without him.Â
âIâm sorry if I ruined your birthdayâ
Her eyes widened, and she kept her cup of coffee down, âWhat are you talking about? Youâre the one that made it perfect. You made it happen in the first place!â
âYeah, butâŠâ You trailed off, feeling embarrassed, âYou must have heard usâ
She swallowed, âI didnât hear anything. It wasnât my business to.â
You looked up at her, âChan must hate meâ
âWhat? Why would he?â
You looked down, âIâmâŠan assholeâ
She reached ahead, grabbing your hand, âNo one thinks youâre an assholeâ
You let out a sigh, and you didnât believe her, but there was no point arguing.Â
The next week, the boys flew back home. You only knew because Kairi told you. She had been counting down the days till they returned. She invited you out to a small get-together, but they would all be there. You said no.Â
Slowly, all your plans with Kairi became into plans with Kairi and Chan. You wouldnât mind at all, because you loved Chan. You just hated that he almost always came with Hyunjin. So you never went to any of those. He would be grateful. He probably never wanted to see you again either. Your time with Kairi became divided. You didnât blame her. She was in love, and you wouldnât deny her any time with him. It became obvious how much happier she was around him.
A week later, you realised you still had Hyunjinâs sweater that heâd given to you at the party. So, you washed it and returned it to Kairi, hoping he wasnât angry that you kept it with you for so long. Youâd truthfully forgotten. You wouldnât want to keep anything of his longer than you had to anyway.Â
»»ââââ-
Nate was staring in awe at your painting. It was balanced on the easel, and you stood next to it, embarrassed at the attention it got. Nate laughed in disbelief, âHoly shit. ThatâsâŠbeautiful. When did you get the time to make that?â
It was show-and-tell day. You were almost in the middle of your semester, and you were supposed to display your best work in class. You looked back at your painting. Ever since Kairiâs birthday, you hadnât left your room. Youâd been fixated on this. There was only one good thing left for you here, and it was this opportunity. Youâd do anything to grasp at it, and maybe all your sadness and heartbreak had ended up being perfect inspiration. You had been endlessly inspired, each brushstroke came to you so easily. Perhaps all good art did come from suffering. Your best work to date youâd done when feeling your worst. Youâd sniffled, and cried and fought your way through it.
âIâŠfound timeâ You shrugged. Your hands were folded behind your back as you explained it to every single person who passed it. All the easels were set up in a circle, and it was almost like those expensive ChĂąteau classes you could never afford to go to. Nate smiled at you, tilting his head, âYouâre so mysterious. It suits youâ
âIâm really not trying to beâ You replied, âIt justâŠcame to meâ
His eyes trailed over you. Youâd tried to dress your best, an outfit youâd bought off the fancy boutiques, and it had cost you a fortune but none of your own clothes would fit the vibe. Nateâs voice dropped, âIs it weird if I say that you being coy is a turn-on?âÂ
You smiled at him, wondering why his words had no effect on you. He made you feel wanted. He flirted with you endlessly. He was attracted to you. He actually wanted to talk to you.Â
But you knew that was all. He didnât want to date you. He certainly didnât have any intentions of a relationship. Perhaps, you didnât want to just be wanted anymore.Â
âMmh. ItâsâŠa little weirdâ You teased him.
Kim Jieong approached you, and you straightened up, pulling Nate to the side. He glanced at your painting, and he certainly looked impressed. There was a small smile on his lips, and he was observing your art with all the focus in the world, âHow many hours did you spend on this?â
âMaybeâŠtwentyâ
He laughed at your feeble attempt of lying, âThat looks likeâŠit took a hundred, at the least. Is it all you did this week?â
You nodded, âThatâs what Iâm here forâ
He looked at your painting again, âAs your professor, I have to say that I wish you hadnât sacrificed sleep for this, butâŠâ He leaned in closer, voice dropping, âThis is exactly why I picked you, sweetheartâ
Your eyes widened, not used to this proximity, but you felt so special. He hadnât said this to anybody else. He was far too close to you, but you blinked at him, âAre you proud of me?â
He laughed, lifting a finger up, âYouâre not there yetâ
Your face fell.
âIâll be proud of you if you can get that done in a dayâ He smiled wide, hands clasped behind his back, âYou should start preparing for next week. I want you to make something special. If you win, itâd mean a lot for you, Y/Nâ
You nodded, remembering the assignment. The best painting in the class would be chosen for a prize. A scholarship, and the chance to get your work displayed in Seoul Museum of Art. It would certainly make everything much easier, taking the burden off you, and youâd also get a perfect start. You would finally be able to prove your worth here.
»»ââââ-
Youâd been painting all day, and your clothes were ruined with stains. You were working on the assignment for next week, it had to be perfect to win, and you hadn't got much sleep, completely immersing yourself into this. In a little break, you laid on your couch, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the call to go through. Yeonjun picked up your phone call, and he sounded so happy on the other end. It had been a while since youâd talked to him and he apologised, âIâm sorry Iâve been so busy with work. There was a company retreat last week, and we went out to these cabins in the woods. It was straight from a horror movie, and there was no network there. I took some pictures for you thoughâ
âHow did it go? That sounds nice, to be away from everythingâ
He laughed, âIt was. I missed you though. ButâŠI have some news to tell youâŠsomething happenedâ
âYeah?â
âRemember the girl from my work I said was cute? SheâŠkissed me. We actually, ended up making out in the hot tub. It was really fucking niceâ You could imagine him smiling on the other end, and it warmed your heart. You sat up, smiling, âAre you serious? Thatâs soâŠamazing. SoâŠyou guys made out? Is that all that happened?â
He laughed on the other end, âNo. WeâŠslept together. Every night of the retreatâ
Your eyes widened, âYouâre kidding me. So, you really really like this girlâ
âI mean, yeah, things with her are soâŠsimple and easy. She gets me, and sheâs so fun to be around. Sometimes thatâs just how it has to beâ
You thought of the polaroids on his desk of Hana, âDid she never ask about the pictures on your work desk?â
Yeonjun laughed nervously, âIâŠended up taking those down. Itâs easier to move on that way. I mean, I wonât ever be over her, butâŠitâs a startâ
âYeah. Youâre probably rightâ
âI may have discovered a new kink about myselfâ He joked, âI have an urge to just move to that cabin and live in that hot tub foreverâ
You smiled, âMaybe you shouldâ
âHow about you though?â
âWellâŠIâve been trying to make my magnum opus. If I have the best painting in class, I get to win this insane amount of money for a scholarship, andâŠitâll be perfectâ
âWell, youâre obviously going to win. I already know youâre the best in classâ
You smiled, âI appreciate your faith in meâŠI think Iâm going to start working on it in the classroom. Itâs going to be a really big canvas, and thereâs not much space in my apartmentâ
âThat makes sense. And um, I wanted to ask, how are things withâŠHyunjin? Did you guys ever talk after you saw him in the shop?â
You lay back down, and the lie was on easy on your tongue, âI donât know. I havenât seen him since thenâ
âWow. HeâŠhasnât even reached out to you?â
You shrugged, echoing his words from before, âI donât care. Itâs easier to move on that wayâ
»»ââââ-
Your canvas lay across multiple tables, occupying most of the space in your classroom. Youâd joined them all together, it had taken a lot of strength, but it was worth it. Now, you sat on top of the paper cross-legged in the center. It was easier to work this way, as if the entire floor was your painting. You hope you werenât breaking any rules by being in the classroom after hours. Youâd just wanted some time to work on your painting, and you werenât exactly inspired at your place. Your anger from the past few days had manifested into this; an insane obsession to make this your best work ever. You would prefer that over sadness. This, after all, was the only reason youâd come here. Not for him. It was almost midnight, and you scooted across the canvas, filling in more details of your sketch. Your plan was far too ambitious, but you were going to have to go all out to win the contest. It was the only thing you cared about right now.
âI didnât know anybody was in hereâ The voice made you jump. Nobody was supposed to come in here right now, the building was shut down. You glanced up, watching Kim Jieong walk in, and you smiled at him, âProfessor. Hiâ
His eyes narrowed in on your silhouette, and a familiar smile across his face, âOh, itâs you. WhatâŠin godâs name are you doing on top of the tables?â
âUm, my canvas is pretty big, so I thought itâd be easier to work like thisâ You explained. He laughed loudly, âYouâre adorable, Y/N. You know that?â
You sat back down comfortably, realising he would let you stay here, âUm. Thank you, professorâ
He looked around, âOh, please donât let me interrupt you. Why is it so dark in here though? I can hardly see you"
Adjusting your canvas and brushes around it, you spoke, âI like it that way. I think much better in the dark, the lights were too bright. Plus, the moonlight looks really niceâ
You think he smiled at your words but you couldnât tell in the dark. You could barely see him, just his silhouette and you heard him laugh. You heard his footsteps as he approached his own desk, âSo, weâre far from the final project. Iâm curious why youâre in the studioâ
You bit your lip, feeling anxious about all this effort you were putting in, âIâm working on the contest painting. The scholarshipâŠI really want to try my best. I also donât work too well at my apartment, I thought maybe I could work hereâ
âWhen I got a notification that a student was still in the studio, I was curious. I had to cut my dinner shortâ
âOhâ You blinked, feeling guilty, âIâm sorry. I didnât know it notified youâŠâ
âOf course, itâs for the safety of our studentsâ He smiled, stepping towards your workspace, âWould you indulge me in what youâre working onâŠor is it a surprise?â
Your canvas wasnât ready to show, âIâd prefer if you see it when itâs finishedâ
He laughed, and asked, âMay I sit next to you?â
âOh, you wonât be getting back to your dinner?â You asked, looking up at him.
âNo, Iâd like to stay here with youâ
He was perhaps the only person in the world you wanted to be around right now, so you didnât mind. His presence would calm and comfort you, âOf course. Thatâd be fine with me, professorâ
He pulled a stool up close to your workspace. The greenhouse-studio was deathly quiet and he inched closer to your table. You stared at your big sketch, âIâm really sorry about interrupting your dinner. I thought itâd be fine if I let myself inâ
âDonât apologise, sweetheart. My wife was pretty tired anyway. Just gave us a reason to end the night earlyâ
He was at dinner with his wife? You didnât even know he was married, but he was in his late thirties so it made sense. You continued adding details, but you couldnât focus when he was observing you so close. Thankfully the dark could conceal your expressions and embarrassment. You ought to feel proud. The greatest artist in the country was here to watch you paint.
âHave youâŠeaten dinner yet?â You heard him ask. You glanced up, gesturing to the side of the classroom where your leftovers lay, âYeah, I had some chinese takeout. Although when Iâm painting, I donât get hungry for hours.â
He just hummed in response. You were grateful that your mentor wanted to sit with you so badly that he skipped dinner with his wife. But the other part disliked the supervision, and you did want some alone time. Still, he was the greatest living artist, so youâd learn to adjust to it. After everything that had happened, he was also your only hope of making it big in the city. He was the sole reason you were still here, spending thousands just to stay in Seoul so you could attend the classes. You looked at him, and he was admiring you while you worked, so you said, âI might be here all night. I wouldnât want to keep you"
He frowned, âI donât mind staying. I could get some work done tooâ
âOhâŠsureâ You looked back at your sketch, erasing off a mistake. He stood up, walking towards the cabinet, sifting through canvases. Usually, you werenât awkward around him, but right now it was really late and you were tired to make small talk. But itâd be weirder if you just stayed quiet. You felt a need to fill in the silence with anything, âSo, Professor, umâŠyour wife. How did you meet her?â
He shrugged in your peripheral vision, not particularly excited to answer, âThe usual. We were high school sweethearts. Got married as soon as we graduated. I was too focused on my art to pursue other women anywayâ
You nodded. Well, that made it even more awkward. So you kept going, âRight. Wow. High school, thatâs really cool. Was sheâŠany of the inspirations for your paintings?â
âSome of them, yesâ
âThatâs really nice.â You smiled, sketching out the boundaries for the stars. The idea for this painting had come to you after waking from a dreamless sleep. Youâd ended up researching for it for hours, making sure you were portraying accurate art. You couldnât wait to present your concept next week.
âWhat about you?â He asked.
âSorry?âÂ
âYou have a boyfriend?â
You blinked, a nervous laugh escaping you, âUmâŠnot currently. Iâm alsoâŠI guess, trying to focus on my art, and build a career from itâ
He smiled at you, crossing his arms, âGuess weâre more alike than I thoughtâ
You looked back at your canvas as he walked closer to you, âThe temptation to understand your sketch is a lot. Can you give me a hint as to what itâs about?â
You slid your sketchbook towards him, where youâd drawn up a miniature version of the sketch, âAll I can tell you now is that itâsâŠa landscape, inspired by my time in the city so far. I was walking home the other night and I couldnât help but notice the night sky. Iâve always liked it, and I know itâs been overdone in art, but I wanted to explore a new side of it. Someone once told me that thereâs no stars in the city, which justâŠsounds so sad. I was thinking along the lines of that. What do you think so far?â
He pushed his glasses up, a proud smile on his face, âI think thatâŠIâm incredibly lucky to have you. I can't wait to see what you'll do with thisâ
Your eyes widened, unsure how to respond, âUmâŠI mean, weâre the lucky ones. We get to study under you, Professorâ
He laughed, his voice echoing through the empty studio, âStop calling me Professor. I think you and me are way past that, donât you?â
âItâsâŠonly appropriate.â You frowned, going back to work. That was weird. You don't think you would feel comfortable calling him by his first name. And then, you felt another stupid need to fill in the prolonged silence. He was here watching you after all, you could just ask him all the things youâd wondered for years, âUm, I wanted to ask. The painting about the moons. Celestial Fatality. Did you paint that when you were in college?â
He hummed mindlessly, not really answering your question, then he grabbed your sketchbook off the table. Eyebrows furrowed, he stared at it, "I think you can work on your perspective, but these are nice. These hands. Youâve drawn them countless timesâ
âYeahâ You felt embarrassed, and climbed off the table so you could also see what he was looking at, âItâs a friend from back homeâ
âDid you draw these from observation?â He asked, as you joined him at his side.
âHmm. He really wanted me to draw his hands,â You said, recalling the time Hyunjin made you observe them.
Kim Jieong laughed, âCanât blame himâ
A nervous laugh escaped you at those words, âYeah.â What did he mean by that? You reached to get your sketchbook back. Instead of handing it to you though, he sat down on the desk, turning the pages of your book, âThese ones are pretty good tooâ
âYeahâ You nodded, taking a seat next to him, unsure of what to do, âI made those a while agoâ
As he turned another page, something drifted out, landing on the floor. Your eyes widened, and you reached for it. The photobooth strip pictures of you and Hyunjin. You felt embarrassed, but thankfully, Kim Jieong didnât notice or see them fall out. You grabbed them, hiding them between your palms on your lap. There was nothing wrong with him seeing them, butâŠit was embarrassing and stupid to carry around pictures of a boy who wasnât even your boyfriend.Â
âYouâre very talentedâ Kim Jieong spoke again, voice dropping low.
âOhâŠthank you. It means a lot hearing it from someone like youâÂ
He finally put your sketchbook to the side, looking right at you. He did look kind of intimidating in this light, towering over you, âThis scholarship means a lot to you?â
You swallowed, feeling embarrassed, âYeah. I could use the help. Itâs an expensive life here, and Iâd really appreciate it. Plus, the exhibition would be a great kickstart toâŠa careerâ
âThe others donât need the scholarship. They just want it so they can winâ He said, then leaned forward, âDonât the rich kids get on your nerves sometimes? They donât act out of necessity, but youâŠâ He pointed a soiled paintbrush at you, âYouâre wonderful because⊠youâre desperateâ
âIâm sorry?â
âDesperate to be seen, and respected. As an artist, I mean. I donât mean that badly, but all great inventions are born out of necessity. I think thatâs why you stand out from the restâ
You didnât know how to take this compliment, âI guessâ
âYou know you have the potential to go so many places?â He asked, tilting his head, waving your sketchbook about in one hand. It was so dark in here, and the building was completely empty except for the two of you. ThisâŠfelt increasingly inappropriate. You were in the studio after-hours with your professor and he was far too close for comfort. He was your favourite artistâŠbut he was still a grown man and you didnât want to overstep as a student.
âWhat do you mean?â
He shrugged and stepped closer to you, caging you against the table, âI mean, the right people can get you into any exhibition you dream of in the world. Paris, New York, Seoul. Isnât that what you fantasise?â
An awkward chuckle escaped you. He was far too close to you, âYeah. Thatâs the end goal. The scholarshipâŠwould definitely make it easier to get thereâ
Suddenly, the sound of roaring thunder distracted you and you looked to the windows. The clouds had now hidden the moon, casting a dark shadow over the entire art studio. A chill ran up your spine, and you suddenly felt uncomfortable at his proximity.
âUm..I think the last bus home leaves in twenty minutes. Iâll try to catch itâ You stated, shooting him a smile and standing up.
You took your bag, but Kim Jieong grabbed your arm, pulling you back towards him, âYou can always convince meâ
âSorry?â You fumbled, stupidly. YouâŠhad to have heard him wrong. What was he talking about?
He smiled sweetly, and in the dark, his glasses glittered, âIf you won the scholarship, the other students wouldnât question it, youâve already proven your worth to everyoneâ
âRightâ You were unsure what he was trying to say, or hinting at. What the fuck did he mean by saying that you could convince him? âI should really goâ
âItâs pouring. Youâll catch your death out there, Y/Nâ He stated, pointing to the storm outside. You swallowed, his grip on your arm foreign, âThatâs fine. I have an umbrellaâ
âRidiculous. Iâll give you a ride homeâ He shook his head.
âYou really donât have to. I already feel bad for ruining your dinnerâ
âOh, stop apologising, Y/N. Your sweet talk drives me mad sometimesâ His hand moved from your arm to your waist, wrapping around it and he pulled you closer to his body, "You stress too much. You need to learn to let things goâ
You took a step back, unsure how to process this, âProfessorâŠâ
He closed the distance, and his other hand grabbed your chin, voice low in the dark room, âWhy do you seem so nervous? You donât have to be around me. Weâre just talking, arenât we?â
âRightâ You were having a hard time breathing, panic surging through you. He was right. Of course. He was your professor. He would never hurt you or make you uncomfortable. He was a living legend. You shouldnât be nervous. He was just being kind to you. He was the only person youâd looked up to your entire life, the reason youâd tried so hard to come here, and he would never do something wrong.
âI can see you struggling in class, and I know youâre doing everything you can to prove your worth. Iâve asked you this before, about what your dream is. â He spoke, voice as low as a whisper, fingers gripping your jaw.Â
âIâŠI donât know what you meanâ Your voice was shaking from the nerves, with no fucking idea how to navigate this situation. If you pushed him away, youâd lose all chance of winning the prize.
âWellâŠ.whatever it isâ He smiled sweetly, and in the low light he looked less like the mentor youâd grown up loving and more menacing, âAll you have to doâŠis ask meâ
His eyes flickered to your lips, and back to your eyes. His grip on your waist was so tight, it felt like his palm was burning into your skin through your shirt. Had you somehow given him an alluded hint? He took a step even closer.
âIâm sorryâŠ.â You pushed him just enough so he wasnât holding you anymore.
He looked surprised, eyes wide, and he laughed, âY/NâŠWhat are you doing?â You grabbed your bag in a hurry, âIâm sorry. I should really go. The last busâŠâ
He called after you, but you rushed through the glass doors to the emergency stairwell. You didnât want to be stuck in the elevator with him. You couldnât breathe, legs moving off their own accord. A flash of lightning through the glass windows scared you, and you all but ran down the emergency stairwell, bag hanging off your shoulder, fists clenched. What the fuck. He obviously wasnât making a move on you, right? You were just being paranoid. He was your professor. He wasâŠthe most famous artist in Seoul. He was the kindest person ever. You had to have been reading into things.Â
You pushed the heavy door open, walking out onto the street. It was pouring rain, and you let out a breath, taking in the air. The rain soaked through your clothes, and you were shivering. You wanted to call Hyunjin so he could pick you up and so you could cry in his arms, the only place where you'd feel safe, but he'd never even given you his new number. He clearly wanted nothing to do with you. You looked down at your hands, and in your tensionâŠyouâd completely crushed the photobooth strip to pieces.Â
Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.
»»ââââ-
You didnât show up to class the next day. Or the next. Or the one after that.
You were still trying to wrap your head around it. Were you stupid for declining his advances and whatever he was suggesting? You couldnât go back to class and face him. Youâd be too embarrassed of your reaction. Maybe he wasnât even suggesting anything and you jumped to conclusions. You had to have been imagining things. After all, he didn't actually do anything. Still, youâd ruined all your chances of getting the scholarship and succeeding in his class. What if he brought it up in class? What would the others think?
Your body was shaking from the cold. The heating in your apartment wasnât working, so you sat on the floor, back to the kitchen counter, knees pulled up. Youâd forgotten your huge canvas in class too, and it was probably in the garbage by now.
Your phone buzzed loudly, and Felix was calling. You picked up so he wouldnât worry, but your voice sounded hollow, âYes?â
âBabe. Where have you been? Youâre not answering any texts the past weekâ
âIâm sorryâŠI got caught up in things. Is everything okay, Felix?â
âMore than okayâ He smiled on the other end, âIâm at the diner. Theyâre throwing a big party tonight! Apparently, itâs been ten years since it opened! Can you believe it?â
âWowâŠit feels like weâd been going there our whole lifeâ
âThatâs what I said!â His excited voice came in, âSo anyway for their anniversary celebrationâŠall the drinks and food is free. You best believe Iâm making full use of itâ
You could hear so many familiar voices in the back, âWho all is thereâŠ?â
âUmmâŠwell me and Minho, obviously. Hanaâs here too. Seonmi, Eunbi and the others. Seungminâs here as well.â
âWowâŠI really wish I was there, Felixâ
âMm, I wish that too. Your apprenticeship better be worth it, Y/N. Youâre missing all the good stuff. And everybody in Daejon misses you a lot. Mrs. Aera came up to me today and said the shopâs a mess without you hahaâ
âReally? It is? Mina isnât taking care of it?â
âAh, you know how Mina is. She canât organise for the life of her. That shop was basically running because of youâ He laughed, and you could hear him chew something.
âWhat are you eating?â
âBlueberry-chocolate waffles. Thereâs this new recipe Seonmi is trying out, and itâs so good. You should have it when you come back. How about you, love? Are you missing me a lot?â
âSo muchâ You mumbled.
âKim Jieong better be worth itâ He sighed, âI guess I forgive you because youâve been obsessed with him for years. Is he as dreamy as you imagined?â
âUmâŠâ Your gut hurt, the memory of that night flooding through you, âYeah. HeâsâŠgreatâ
âIâm sure he isâ Felix chuckled, âI still remember how you stole all the magazines in the library that had his paintings in itâ
âI didnât steal themâ You protested, âI justâŠborrowed them for a really long timeâ
He laughed, âTo fawn all over your artist crush. I get it. AndâŠwhat about your other lover? You accidentally bumped into him yet?â
You forced a smile, not having enough energy to protest that he wasnât your lover, âNoâŠI havenât seen himâ
âWell. Seoul isnât that big, Iâm sure youâll find him. Or heâll find you. Oh, I also forgot to tell you! A new cafe opened up in Daejon last week. Itâs some fusion book-and-coffee cafe. They actually have the best coffee in town, no you didnât hear me say that Seonmiâ He started laughing, and you could hear them in the background. Suddenly, the past few months felt like a joke.
There were only two reasons youâd uprooted your life and come here. Now, youâd lost them both.Â
So why were you still here?
Maybe you had acted rashly. You thought youâd fit in here, and that this was where you were meant to be. Youâd felt stuck there, but here you werenât any better. You'd probably only found the courage to come here because you knew Hyunjin was here too, and that was clearly...not the right thing to do. He didn't even want you near him, or anywhere in his life. He had made that plenty clear.
âI think I made a mistakeâ You whispered.
âSorry?â Felix asked, still laughing loudly, âWhat mistake?â
âMoving outâŠI shouldnât have done thatâ
âWaitâŠwhat? What do you mean?â
âI think I should come homeâ
âYouâre messing with me. Right?â Felix laughed, âDidnât you want to move to the city since you were fifteen?â
âBut I was a kid. I didnât know anything. I had no idea what to expectâ
âY/NâŠwhat are you saying?â
âI was happy in Daejon. I should never have come to Seoulâ You stood up, moving to your bedroom.
It was like a parasite, an idea festering into your brain and heart, that maybe this was the reason for this unhappiness. Things were perfect in Daejon. Why had you been complaining all your life? All of your happy memories were there, so the logical thing to doâŠwas go back to where they were created. Then youâd be happy again. You hadnât learnt how to be happy in this house, in this city, in this new life.Â
âBabe. I would be the happiest boy in the world if you came home to me, but maybe you should think this through. Did something happen? Why are you being like this?â
You grabbed your duffel bag off the shelf, âI canât go back to class, Felix! I canât. I messed up, big timeâ
âNo, Iâm sure you didnât. You could neverââ
âYou donât even know what happened!â You yelled. He fell silent on the other end, âLove. JustâŠwhatâs going on?â
You stared at your empty bag, âIâmâŠcoming home. I should never have come hereâ
âIs that Y/N?â Minhoâs familiar, comforting voice came in. You wanted to hug him and never let go. They were so far away. âYeahâ Felix responded to him, voice falling, âShe says sheâsâŠcoming homeâ
âGive me the phoneâ Minho mumbled, âY/N. Whatâs going on?â
You tossed your clothes in your bag, messily zipping it up, âI canât stay here, Minâ
âBut what about the art classes?â
âIf I donât withdraw, Iâll probably be kicked out anywayâ You mumbled, âI didnât go to classes all week"
âYou should think this throughâ
âI have thought it through! It was a stupid fucking mistake. One I needed to make. You know what they say anyway. The grass is greener on the other side. I just fell for the charms of the city, like everybody elseâ
âNo disrespect but youâre making no senseâ Minhoâs voice was harsh, âYou canât just give upâ
âCan you give the phone back to Felix please?â You asked.
âFineâ You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, âLove. Iâm hereâ
âLixâ You swallowed, âI know it seems like Iâm being irrational, but Iâve been thinking about this for a while. I know itâs embarrassing and stupid, but maybe I was never supposed to be hereâ
Felixâs voice was so soft, calm, encouraging. You just needed to be near him, in his arms. âI believe you, Y/N. Iâm gonna be okay with whatever you decide. I just really want you to think about thisâ
âIâŠI want to hug you, Lixâ A sniffle escaped you, âI donât want to go back to classâ The idea had completely taken over you.
âAre you sure?â
âNothing can make me stayâ You swallowed. There was a sigh of resignation on the other end, and you knew he wouldnât fight with you. He would agree with whatever you decided, and thatâs what you needed right now. Thatâs why you called him, and not Yeonjun, or your other friends. Felix was the one person who wanted you home more than anything. He wouldnât talk you out of it, even if this seemed like the stupidest decision you might be making.Â
âWhat do you need me to do?â He asked, voice soft on the other end. Relief spread through you, and you stopped to look at the window outside your apartment, âA train ticket.â
You could sublease your apartment. You could figure the rest out from the comfort of your real home. You could go back to Aeraâs, and get your life in order. Youâd find a way to love Felix back. After all, he was the only one who wanted you the way you needed to be wanted. Maybe you were destined for that kind of life after all, where everything stays the same everyday. But thatâs good, it was safe. The boy you loved had made you think that you belonged in the city, but he couldn't be more wrong.
Thatâs what you told yourself, at least, ripping your paintings off the wall. In your short-lived time here, youâd made and put them up to feel less lonely. Thereâd be no room to carry them back, so you bunched them up, carrying them to the garbage disposal in your apartment. As you shoved them in the disposal, you felt nothing. The hallway was warmer than your apartment and it made you feel a tad better.
Your phone buzzed again, and Felix had sent you something. The train ticket heâd bought for you. It was for tomorrow morning. You knew that you could always trust Felix, with anything. He would always be there for you, if nothing else. Perhaps you'd taken your friendship with him for granted this whole time.
âNeed some help?â Jeongin asked. He was coming up the stairs, probably after having heard your struggle with the garbage. You shot him a smile, nodding. He came over, helping you, âAre you redecorating?â
âYou could say thatâŠâ
âWait. Are these your paintings?â He realised, stopping halfway.
âCan you help me with something?â You looked at him. He looked confused, and he was frowning, âUm. Sure. What do you need help with?â
âMy suitcasesâŠI donât think the elevator is workingâ
âAre you going somewhere?â He tilt his head, further confusion scrunching his face. In another life, you and Jeongin could have been really good friends.Â
âIâm just going home for a whileâ You mumbled, shutting the garbage door. For a while would be forever. He didnât need to know that. Itâs not like he would be sad, or miss your presence.Â
âOh. Okay. Of course, Iâll be there in a bitâ
Back in your apartment, your phone buzzed again. It was your groupchat with Jeonghan and Minnie. You skimmed through the messages, feeling regretful.
yn are you sick? whatâs going on? professor jieong told us you werenât eligible for the prize anymore
You turned your phone off, staring outside the little kitchen window. The traffic wasnât as loud as usual. It was a quiet night.
You hugged yourself, trying to find a singular reason to stay. Why had you wanted this life for so long? It had given you nothing but heartbreak, yet a part of you was so sad about leaving tomorrow. You squeezed your eyes shut, a single tear escaping. Maybe you wanted a sign to stay, despite everything in you screaming to leave. When you opened you eyes, your reflection mirrored on the glass pane and then you saw it.
A snowflake drifting down. It twirled in place and your eyes followed its path before it settled on your ledge, quickly crumbling into nothingness.
And then more followed, a flurry of snow falling like stardust. It was beautiful, a cloud of white enveloping everything so quickly, covering the street below.Â
Your first snow in the city.Â
A bitter smile tugged at your lips.Â
The doorbell rang.
Jeongin was already here to help you with the bags.Â
So much for a sign.
You grabbed your duffel, and your suitcase, wheeling it out. The quicker you moved with things, the easier it would be. Reaching for the rusty brass doorknob, you pulled the door open.
âCan you take this one? Iâll bring the otherâ You mumbled, pushing your things out. He nodded, still seemingly confused but he asked no questions, âWhat timeâs your train?â
âIn a few hoursâ You glanced at your phone, âBut if thereâs going to be a snowstorm, Iâd prefer being at the station earlyâŠâ
He grinned, still so happy and you wish he could share his secrets of eternal happiness, âSmart move. If it was me, Iâd probably miss my train. Canât tell you how many times thatâs happenedâ
You smiled at him, âI canât afford thatâ
âI called a taxi cab for youâ He said. You nodded, âIâll meet you downstairs. Thank you, Jeonginâ
You stepped back into your apartment. There wasnât much youâd brought with you, so there wasnât much you had to take back. Youâd never grown fond of this apartment. It had always felt like an inbetween place, while you waited your life to be perfect. Waiting was doing no favours for you.
You shoved your sketchbook into your duffel, putting on your coat before closing the apartment door behind you, and your throat closed up as you realised what you were doing. This was so fucking stupid, and this was rash but what else could you even do? Maybe you could come back to the city in the future if you wanted, but right now it was a terrible decision. You would go back home and you would hug Felix, and maybe you would kiss him and the ache in your heart would be better. The thought of his arms around you, as someone who genuinely cared about you, already made you want to cry.
You unceremoniously dragged your bag across the landing, and the taxi must have arrived already because you heard a loud honk.
It was freezing in the otherwise heated hallway. Your breaths came out in soft mists.
The door downstairs must have been left open, sending cold winds and flurries of snowflakes up the apartment.Â
Jeongin would never forget to do thatâŠ
As you approached the top step with your bags, you realised whoâd left it open.
Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.
»»ââââ-
masterlist â
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :)Â
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 17
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, youâve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youâve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heâs always wanted to, but what he didnât anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.Â
word count:Â 31K
warnings:Â cursing, drinking, heavy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, kissing, mature language, making out, jealousy, references to injuries, unrequited love, fighting, arguments and confrontations, hyunjin is mean, mentions of weed, post-breakup behaviour, passing mention of threats, a guy makes yn feel physically uncomfortable
a/n: most of this chapter contains heavy angst, yn is thinking about hyunjin 90% of the time, and it's a very different pacing from usual, but i enjoyed writing this a lot :) i hope you love it too! please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important:Â all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
The romantic movies youâd watched growing up always skipped over the hard parts.Â
The break-ups in them were just a short montage set to the soundtrack of a sad song. The main female character would have given up all hope, drowning her feelings in ice-cream and wine, and just when she hit rock bottom... somehow the boy would find a way back to her. The audience would cheer even though it was so predictable, and the credits would roll. All the sadness would be overshadowed by a firework-worthy reunion kiss, and a stupid Happily Ever After.Â
If only your life right now could pass by like a montage. If only you could hit fast-forward, and skip to the day you feel better.Â
You were never much into Greek mythology, but you had read Percy Jackson in middle school, and the myth of Sisyphus always stuck to you. He was condemned to roll a rock up a mountain for eternity, but the rock would roll back down to the bottom every single time. It was a cruel punishment because he could never achieve his goal.Â
Forgetting Hyunjin was a Sisyphean task. It was futile, in every way. On most days, it almost felt impossible. You could always try, and push yourself really hard, but he would always be there at the bottom of the canyon. Homereminded you of him, of all the good times there â bumping into him at Aeraâs, plunging into freezing water with him at the creek, kissing him in the meadow of the fireflies, sloppy and wet but enchanting. And so did this city. The lights of the skyscrapers, the culture, the fashion, they all screamed his name. It didnât help that his pictures were plastered all over every big billboard, every bus stop shelter,ïżœïżœeach subway station. Perhaps to forget him, youâd have to run away to a remote cabin, somewhere in Europe, where you could paint your life away and never look back. Yet wouldnât that be useless too? Everything beautiful in your life would be forever linked to him.
âWhat are you thinking of so deeply, Y/N?â A voice pulled you out of your sad tangent. Youâd been sketching in your notebook, mindlessly doodling, drawing circles and squares.Â
Jeonghan was slumped in the chair opposite yours, his own sketchbook balanced on his knees, but he hadnât drawn for an hour now. He was too busy listening to a podcast on those big headphones he never let go of. Minnie was supposed to join you today, but she was running late from a date with Jamie, so for now it was just you and him. There was so much noise around you, a constant buzz and chatter of people in the coffee shop, so you raised your voice to be heard, âIâm thinking ofâŠhow romance movies are all bullshitâ
His eyebrows shot up, and he sat up straighter, clearly not expecting that. You suppose it was a bit random, âIâm sorry?â
Now that youâd brought it up, you had to explain it, and you struggled to find the words, âTheyâre all such cookie-cutter depictions of romance. The same formula every time. You donât think so?â
His eyes narrowed, suspiciously, âWell, who broke your heart?â
You shut your sketchbook with a snap, âNobody. Iâm just talkingâ
âClearly you think Iâm stupider than I actually amâ He pulled a hand up, and started counting on his fingers, âYouâre not eating, youâre not sleeping, youâre only painting of blue and depressing things, youâŠdidnât even laugh at a single joke of mine in class todayâ
âMaybe because they arenât funnyâ
âAnd you now think romantic movies suck. Thatâs the telltale signs of a breakupâ
âIâve always thought they suck⊠That doesnât mean anythingâ
âOkayâ He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, âHow about the fact that you all but ran out of Pegasus and went white as a ghost when you saw that guy in the elevator?â
You stilled, staring at him. Itâs been days since that incident, but heâs never brought it up till now. You had never given him a chance to. You realised youâre an expert in deflecting when it comes to matters of Hyunijn. You pulled at the spiral binding of your notebook, âHe was just an old friendâ
âYou reacted way more than someone wouldâŠto an old friend. Iâm not going to judge you, you know that? Iâm from fucking LA. If I started judging people, Iâm afraid Iâd never stopâ
You sighed, looking down at the coffee table, âHeâs just someone I wasnât expecting to see. It brought up old memories, shit Iâd like to forget now. LetâsâŠtalk about something else, pleaseâ
He released a breath, looking around, âFine. I think Iâm gonna get another cup of coffee. You want one?â
âNo, Iâm good. Coffee keeps me up at nightâ
Jeonghan stood up, lanky frame hovering over you, lips pressed into a thin line, âDonât blame coffee for thatâ
With that, he walked off to the counter, and you stared at the empty chair. Youâre trying hard not to think of that evening, after you walked out of the storage closet, out of the Pegasus building and straight home. You had felt a new kind of pathetic⊠and to make it worse, your apartment keys had refused to cooperate. Itâs because you were shaking the whole way home. Youâd dropped them on the landing multiple times as you made your way upstairs, the shrill sound the only thing snapping you out of your daze. Even your hands had shook as you tried to get into your apartment.
Youâd crawled into your mattress, and youâd cried yourself to sleep. Your pillow had muffled the sounds and it wasnât even satisfyin. Your tears felt empty and forced. The numbnessâŠwas real. What were you even crying for? Hyunjin had made it crystal clear since day one that nothing could happen between you, so you shouldnât have expected him to suddenly change his mind.Â
âI got you a cupcakeâ Jeonghan sat back down, a red velvet cupcake in his hand, a Cafe Mocha in the other.
It just hurt that heâd given up on the two of you, before you even had a chance to try. It wasâŠa horrible memory, and your chest hurt at it. âI donât want it, sorryâ
âSuit yourselfâ He shrugged, peeling back the paper wrapping so he could take a bite out of it. The white frosting smeared on his nose, and he smiled at you. Heâs a good friend, but youâve been nothing but miserable the past few weeks. Itâs bad for you because this is not the time for drama. Youâre working on real stuff now in art class. Youâre past introductions, and over the bunny hill. You have an actual assignment, and thatâs the reason youâre here in this cafe, trying to brainstorm ideas for it. This artwork matters more to you than anything else lately, because it feels like a last plea for happiness. If your professor actually likes it, then you wonât feel so useless anymore. Time lately feels like itâs slipping through your fingers, wasting away, precious days blurring together into sadness and nostalgia. You used to count the seconds until you could live this life, but what youâre feeling right nowâŠthatâs not living.
How can you be creative right now, when all you hold inside you is bitterness? All this time, youâd held on to some minuscule hope, that one day things between you and Hyunjin would be all right. That maybe one day he would give into what he felt, and you could actually be together. It was almost âŠlike a given. How could he kiss you like thatâŠand not want it for the rest of his life? A part of you had imagined it all â the future you could have had with him, the relationship you could lead with somebody who knew every bit of you.
Youâd been surrounded by good people your whole life, but the impact Hyunjin left on you was incomparable. His thoughts, the way his brain worked things out, the kindness with which he approached life â you couldnât hope to find that in anybody now. It was special to only him, and more than anything, you couldnât forget that. You couldnât forget the beautiful things he kept hidden in his mind, in his heart. The first few weeks youâd known himâŠit became obvious what he would mean to you. In the silliest of ways, he even finished your sentencesâŠHow could somebody be so perfectly built for you, but not be meant for you at all?Â
Maybe the romance books were to blame for making you believe there was someone perfect for you at all. Soulmates were an urban legend, and a red string of fate didnât exist. But then why did everything pull you together all this while? It couldnât have beenâŠfor nothing.
Were you the one to blame for imagining an actual future with him? Youâd never even had the honor of calling him your boyfriend, how could you hope for anything more?
The logical step wasâŠto move on. So thatâs why youâre here, painting in the new coffee shop, and hoping it will help. Jeonghan helps, kind of. Heâs funny, and heâs got a large personality and an even bigger sense of humour, and you wonder how he fits it all in his lanky frame. Heâs a perfect student and on top of that, heâs helpful. Heâs always sharing his supplies with you in class, and heâs genuinely so amusing, if not mildly annoying sometimes, but with Minho and Felix youâd gotten used to it. He was humming now to a song you donât recognise, his music taste is very different from yours, and he suddenly asked, âWhy do you think I moved back to Korea?â
Your brows furrowed, and you randomly guessed, âI donât knowâŠAn American girl broke your heart?â
âBingoâ He bit into the cupcake, crumbs falling onto his button-up, and on his ripped jeans, âShe kissed my friend at a party. Right in front of meâ
Youâre surprised to hear that, and even more so that heâs openly telling you. Maybe talking freely about the past is moving on. So you told him, in solidarity, âMy best friend dated the boy I likeâ
His eyebrows shot up, and he leaned forward, pausing the music on his phone to give you his whole attention, âDid she know you liked him?â
âNoâŠnot reallyâ
âThen you canât really blame her I guessâÂ
âI donâtâ
âSo you blame yourself? For liking him?â
âNothing I do could have made me stopâ
He tilt his head, âIs that so?â
You chewed on your lip, âI liked him for a long time before my friend met himâ
âThen why didnât you ask him out?â
âI didnât know his name at theâŠtimeâ
His eyes widened, a smile forming, âOhâŠnow Iâm really, really curiousâ
âIt doesnât matter. Itâs in the past nowâ
Jeonghan sighed, âYou know, this is a recordâ
You reached for his cupcake, and bit into it, it was too sweet and you hated red velvet but you wanted to feel something, âWhat do you mean?â
âThatâs like the most Iâve got out of you, Y/N. Youâre a pretty closed bookâ
Youâve never been told that before. You're usually always oversharing. You have to try to be better. Maybe divulging the details of your life isnât such a weakness or vulnerability. Itâs hard to explain to anybody about what youâre going through, the only person whoâll understand is Kairi, but you havenât talked to her since that time in the park, when she brought Hyunjin up and you came crumbling down like a house of cards.
You feel so weak lately, like a balloon about to be popped, stretched to your limits. You canât accommodate any sadness in you anymore, and any mere mention or thought of Hyunjin breaks you down. Youâre trying your best though. Yeonjun is sad you donât hang out at his place anymore, after all itâs not his fault thereâs a billboard of Hyunjin right across. Falling apart felt itâd be more climatic and sudden, but itâs more of a gradual process than anything. Even now, sitting in this pretty shop in Seoul, your chest pains at the memories. The hurt is so immense sometimes you have to clutch your chest waiting for the pain to pass. Itâs like a heart attack every time you think of him. You canât remember how it used to feel when it didnât hurt.Â
In the past few weeks, youâd have had a lot of selfish thoughts and wishes. Some of them are cruel in a way that you can never say it out loud. You feel guilty for even thinking them, yet most days when youâre alone in your bed and you crave him, you wish he never became an idol. Hyunjin without the fame and without his music was still the same boy inside. Hyunjin without the frills was the kid in the art store you fell in love with all those years ago.Â
You wish he could just be yours, to love forever, not the entire citysâ. Forever was a long fucking time but you felt capable of it, of cherishing him for the rest of your life because he made it so easy. But you should have taken the hint when he cut you out of his life, without even leaving a phone number behind. If you hadnât come to Seoul⊠it was entirely possible he would never have seen you again. He would have left you behind in the town, and never looked back. To himâŠyou were just a girl he messed around with in the summer. So temporary. So forgettable.
You wish you could pick apart your brain, and take out every memory of him, but you feared thereâd be nothing in you left then. Loving him took up all the space in you. Missing him did the same. Jeonghan was speaking to you still, wondering why you never shared too much about yourself, and you shrugged, âI donât know. I just want to focus on now. I hate feeling haunted by the past. Itâs paralysing, to be stuck in those memoriesâ
Jeonghanâs eyes narrowed, this is a pretty serious conversation for this cafe, but he asked, âYou ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The movie with Kate Winslet and that one dudeâŠum, Jim Carrey?â
Youâve stopped sketching entirely now, you hadnât made progress in hours. It goes without saying that ever since you saw Hyunjin in the city, your inspiration has been lost. Youâve been searching for it ever since, in new friendships, in new coffee shops, in conversations like this, âIâŠhavenât, but Felix, my best friend loved that movieâ
He leaned forward, excited to explain to you, âWell, in the movie this coupleâs broken up, and they hate each other, like absolutely loathe each other. So thereâs this futuristic procedure where they can choose to erase memories of their lover, and the girlâŠshe does it. Itâs too painful to remember the boy she lovedâ
âOh?â
âMmhâ Jeonghanâs eyes twinkle as he explained and you wonder if he and Felix would be best friends if they met; they talk about movies with the same passion, âSo the guy, he starts going through the procedure too. But as the memories of their relationship start being deleted, he realises he doesnât want them to be erased after all. They loved each other, and their time together was so special to them. That shouldnât be forgotten. Itâs a cool concept, right?â
Youâre listening to him, and the noises of the cafe have faded away, âYeah. Itâs coolâ Youâre playing the movie in your head, wondering what you would do if you were in it. Would you alter the chemistry of your brain so Hyunjin never existed in your life? Itâd sure be easier than trying to move on, which wasâŠuseless.
Jeonghan suddenly frowned realising you ate some of his cupcake. The proof was in your hands which were covered in white frosting. He leaned over the little table, âI thought you didnât want the cupcakeâÂ
You apologised, âSorry. The frosting was goodâ
âIs that so?â He grabbed your hand. Heâs touchy sometimes in class, so you werenât too surprised. But in a single swoop, he licked the frosting right off your hand, tongue swirling around your finger for a brief second, âEh, could be better. Anyway, do you want to watch that movie with me? You could come over after you finish the artworkâ
Before you could even process what just happened, a tote bag slammed onto your table, and you both jumped. Minnie grinned at you, standing by, âSo did you guys finish the assignment?â
»»ââââ-
You are supposed to paint your most dominant emotion. Itâs an important task, because youâve to be graded on it. Itâs due today. The thought of being evaluated for your creativity terrifies you. You donât feel good for anything right now, but this is what you signed up for. Your supplies are sprawled across the apartment floor, and youâre forcing each stroke onto the paper, trying to paint a semblance of anything. You want to prove your worth in the art studio. You havenât been too interactive in class, youâve been at your lowest, but this meant so much to you for the longest time. So youâre trying really, really hard.
There is music playing from your phone, a mix of calm songs youâd put together months ago. Hours had passed, and youâve fiddled away at your canvas, trying to fix every little detail. You stayed up nights in a row, finishing the painting and it was honestly a good distraction, for the most part. If Kim Jieong loves it, then perhaps youâll stop being so sad. You will yourself to just fill in the gaps of your artwork, to correct the error in your ways so that it can be perfect for the presentation today.
But it was almost time for class, and if you didnât leave now, youâll be late. You stare at the painting, breathing a sigh, it doesnât look half bad, âWellâŠthis is as good as itâs gonna getâ
As you roll the canvas up so you can carry it to class, the song on your playlist changes and within seconds⊠Hyunjinâs voice fills your bedroom. It was a song from the new album.Â
You freeze, recognising it instantly, goosebumps rippling up your arms and legs. Itâs a ballad, and his voice is soft and melodious. Once upon a time it was comforting. Dread fills your stomach. You hate this song. You hate his voice. You canât listen to him ever again. Your phone lay across the bedroom floor. You need to turn it off. In your hurry to scramble for it, your hand slips, and your elbow knocks into a glass of muddy paint-water. Before you could even process it, the liquid tips over. Within seconds, helplessly you watch the wave of liquid destroy your art. It seeps across your entire canvas, ruining everything youâd worked on for weeks.
It becomes a glob of colors and itâs so funny and pathetic you couldnât even cry or be frustrated. Itâs your carelessness to blame. The only thing you can do is turn the fucking music off.
You feel stupid, showing up to class with that. When you arrive, Minnie was presenting her piece already. Itâs gorgeous, and her painting is about love. Itâs obvious in the way sheâs drawn a portrait of whatâs supposed to be her girlfriend, Jamie. Thereâs strokes of red for her hair, and pink and warm tones all over. Jamie is drawn so beautifully, accentuated features, so much personality in a single portrait. Does she know how beautiful she is in her girlfriendâs eyes?
Jeonghan goes next, and heâs painted triumph. Itâs more abstract than a loverâs portrait. Itâs smart, and itâs confident, and itâs full of gold accents. You feel ashamed thinking of your own work. You slide the rolled-up canvas behind your desk, and hope nobody notices it. Like a zombie, youâre applauding for everyoneâs work, and your hands clap every few minutes, but youâre not even looking at anything anymore. Analysis and appreciation is out of the question. Your own failure is far too distracting.Â
Then, Kim Jieong glanced at you for the first time this morning, expectant eyes, anticipating smile, âCome on up, sweetheartâ
The rest of the class had apparently finished, and youâre the only one left. Itâs easy to lie through your teeth, âIâm sorry, Mr. JieongâŠI forgotâ
His eyebrows shoot up, and confusion is evident in his gaze, âForgot what?â
You can feel your friends eyes on you, âI forgot about the assignmentâ Itâs better that he think youâre careless rather than not talented. Jeonghanâs gaze on you was deathly, because he knows youâve worked on nothing else the past few days. This was the only thing youâd been sleeping and breathing. This was your turning point. Your hope for happiness.
Your professor nods, âI seeâŠâ
âIâm sorryâ Your voice was small and pathetic but you donât even feel any remorse. Sadness is so present in you that thereâs no room for guilt. You stare at your table, not wanting to look anybody in the eye, especially as he speaks, âThese assignments are for a reason, and I hope everybody knows that. We donât wake up and come all the way here to waste each others time, do we?â
You curl up in your chair, pulling your jacket tight around yourself, and your eyes sting. You could feel his stare of judgement at you as he addressed the class, when youâre the only one at fault. Everybody else did the work. Minnieâs gaze was burning into you too, but you didnât look up for the rest of class. Itâs childish. You just feel embarrassed. You count down the minutes until itâs over. Youâre going to go home and redo everything, and hopefully he will forgive you for your lack of tact.
As soon as itâs time, you grabbed your bag, rushing to leave, but his voice echoed through the class, âY/N. Please stay back. I need to talk to youâÂ
The dreadful words make you stop in your tracks, but you were already at the door planning your escape. Minnie pinched you in the stomach as she left, âGood luck, babeâ
You turned around, clutching your bag to your chest as everybody around you exits, and you know youâre being judged right now. This is a class for professionals. Heartbreak is not an excuse. You take a look at him, âIs everything okay?â
The professor crosses his legs on the stool, seemingly relaxed, and he didnât look mad, âJust need to discuss something with you. Iâve been thinking about it for a whileâ
âOkayâŠâ You breathe, running the possibilities in your head. Is he just upset, or is it possible to actually get kicked out of this program because of your fucking carelessness?
Jeonghan stops in front of you, âShould I go ahead, or do you want me to wait for you?â
Your professor was quick to interrupt, âNate, I appreciate you sticking up for your friend, but Iâd like to speak to her aloneâ
Your heart warmed at the thought that he was going to stay back for you, âItâs okay. Iâll see you tomorrowâ You told him, even though you crave his comfort. Soon, the rest of the students trickle out of the classroom, dillydallying and slow to move with no care in the world. You stand by there, waiting patiently as Jieong wraps up his work, packing up his bag and things. As soon as everyoneâs gone, you apologise, âIâm so sorry about forgetting the assignment. It was really irresponsible of me, and I can explainâ
âExcept you didnât forgetâ He looked up at you.
âSorry?â
âThe canvas behind your desk. You didnât really do a great job of hiding itâ
âThatâs⊠not my assignmentâ You protest, âThatâsâŠnothing. Itâs a messâ
He got up, âThen you wonât mind if I take a look at it?â
âI promise you, itâs nothing. Itâs not worthâŠâ You trailed off, watching as he makes his way there. He unfurls it, and heâs quiet for a few minutes as he stares at your botched painting. The artwork makes no sense. The canvas is completely ruined, and a kid could have done it better. He turns to you, disappointed. âCan you remind me why youâre here, Y/N?â
Your heart breaks even more, âI promiseâŠIâm gonna do better next timeâ
He steps closer to you, âThatâs not what I asked you, Y/N. Why are you in my program? Thatâs what I want to knowâ
Youâre suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and your mind is blank. Thereâs no fucking space for your thoughts or for logic or reason, when itâs just been corrupted by memories he left behind, âIâm here⊠because Iâve always wanted to beâ
âDo you think thatâs good enough?â
This behavior of his isnât even out of nowhere. Youâve been a horrible student of lately, you havenât paid attention, your enthusiasm has been curbed, and your paintings have been tacky and upsetting. You swallowed the lump in your throat, âIâm really trying to be better. IâmâŠsorry for disappointing--â
âIâm only disappointed because you lied to meâ
Your eyes shoot up to his, and his gaze burns you, âWhat?â
He crossed his arms, stepping close to you until thereâs no personal space anymore. Thereâs no venom in his tone but you know heâs masquerading it because unlike you, heâs a professional who knows how to deal with people like you, âYou canât just choose what you want to do on a whim. Thatâs not up to you. Thatâs not what my program is for. This canvas is your assignment. Why are you pretending otherwise? Why didnât you present it to the class?â
âBecause I fucked upâ
He didnât flinch at your usage of the swear word, and he ran a hand over his face, âWhat emotion were you trying to convey?â
âPeaceâŠâ
âAnd is that how you feel? Peaceful?â
âNoâŠâ You sighed, âI feel horribleâŠâ There was a lump in your throat blocking your airways. The pain in your chest was returning. Youâre angry at Hyunjin for doing this to you.
âCan you please tell me whatâs going on? You didnât even meet the mentor I took you to see all the way to Pegasus for. Those field trips arenât optional. I didnât take you for some city tour. I wanted you to meet Karina. Those opportunities are important. If you miss those⊠you might as well not be here. This program is for people who value that, we have no room for freeloadersâ
Your eyes shoot up to his, panic rising, and your eyes sting with tears, âProfessor Jieongââ
âCan you sit down for a minute?â He stepped forward, hand going to your lower back, leading you to your seat. You feel awkward at the touch; the greenhouse studio is empty right now, itâs just you and him here. Would you have to beg him to let you stay in this program? Just like you begged Hyunjin to stay with you? He stands across you when you sit, crossing his arms, a pensive look in his eyes, âI receiveâŠmore than ten thousand applications for this program every year. Thereâs only twenty spaces in this classroom though. I couldnât possibly look through all the applications myself. Youâre aware of that, yes?â
It's hard for you to focus on his words when you only want to cry. In all this fucking sadness, you may just be losing the most important opportunity you ever got, âYesâŠâ
âI have a team that does it for me. Theyâre all trusted, close associates. All artists of course, and with all their idiosyncrasies they have a unique way of viewing the world. They hardly ever mess up in finding talent, but earlier this year, one of them didâ
âWhat do you mean?â
âYour file didnât come in to me. You were sent a rejection, werenât you?â
The reminder is a punch to your gut, even though itâs in the past and irrelevant now.Â
âDid you never wonder how you got inâŠeven after being rejected?â He asked, lips curling up, as if knows the secrets of the universe and is indulging you in all of them. Heâs going to tell you it was a mistake after all. You werenât meant for this. Youâve fucked up so bad.
You wipe the single tear on your cheek as you look up at him, âTo be honestâŠI just decided to take the blessing, and not question furtherâ
He smiled, eyes crinkling, âOf course you did. Well, I think youâd be interested to know how you ended up getting inâ Youâve never questioned it until now, and youâre anticipating his next words, "On a hot summer morning, I was supposed to catch a train up north to visit my parents. It was my day offâŠI donât get too many of those hereâ He laughed, âBut obviously, I missed the train. Instead of taking the next one, I came back to my office. When I did, I saw your file. It was in the rejected pile, but I took a single look at it and I knew thereâd been a mistake. I knew that you had to be in this program. Somebody must have overlooked it, and Iâm thankful I saw yoursâ
Your eyes widened, âWhat do you mean?âÂ
âI chose you, Y/N. Everybody else in this class was picked by my peers, by the committee, but youâŠI picked you myself, so you of all people shouldnât be falling behind. You have an innate talent and I respect that a lot. I donât want to be disappointed by you in the future. I know itâs intimidating to join in the middle of a semester, but youâŠbelong here. Donât question that. Donât let it fuck you upâ
You were dizzy with his compliment, perhaps this validation is the only thing you needed. You didnât deserve this kindness, âYou have a lot of confidence in someone who fucked up their painting so bad, Mr. Jieongâ
âIf I didnât, you wouldnât be sitting here, Y/NâÂ
âRightâŠum, thank youâ Your lips tugged into a smile, and your chest felt lighter for the first time in a long time. He picked you.Â
âThatâs the problem with your generation, youâre always doubting yourself so muchâ He chuckled again, âImagine if Iâd taken that train to see my parents. Iâd never seen your application. It would have been such a shame to not have you here with meâ
You nodded, standing up to leave, grabbing your things, âThatâs a crazy coincidence⊠Why didnât you take the train though?â
He shrugged, carrying your canvas for you, so he could walk you out, âTheyâd closed down the entire platform for a few hours, so couldnât even if I wanted toâ
You frowned, switching off all the lights and glanced at him as the room was plunged in darkness, âHuh. I didnât know they do thatâŠâ
âI didnât either, but apparently some famous guy was returning to Seoul that day. Iâm guessing a lot of fans wanted to see him, there was too big of a crowd. So they ended up shutting down the whole platform. Made me miss my damn trainâ
âA⊠music artist?âÂ
âYeah! You might have seen it on the news. Heâs one of Pegasusâ artists actually. I think heâs also a painter, like you.Â
The pain in your chest returned with a bang, âOhâŠâ
He laughed, âThis city and its obsession with celebrities. But I guess if it wasnât for that⊠you wouldnât be hereâ
âYeahâŠâ
His hand landed on your shoulder, trying to comfort you but nothing could, âI guess thatâs why they say coincidence is just another word for fate, huh?â
»»ââââ-
Unread messages flooded your inbox. Some from Yeonjun, most from Felix⊠You havenât ignored them on purpose. You just havenât had time or the energy to get back to them. They all read the same anyway. Asking about your life in the city, and how it feels to live your dreams. A part of you thought itâs the universe being decidedly cruel to you â reminding you the irony of how youâve never been this miserable in your life.
And then there was one from Kairi.Â
hey! i hope youâve been doing good. i went to this cute new cafe in gangnam and i thought of you. i feel like we ended things on the wrong note. could we maybe have a redo of last time? if thatâs okay with you
You donât reply, because you have no idea what youâll even talk about to her. Itâs creepy to pursue friendship with Chanâs ex. Youâre supposed to be moving on, not just from him, but from his entire world.Â
Your phone buzzes again and itâs a text from Minnie on your group chat. Itâs just you, her and Jeonghan in it. You donât talk too much here, just make plans for class and coffee. So you were surprised at what she had sent you. Maybe she feels pitiful after the way you embarrassed yourself in class earlier.
minnie: so youâre not gonna believe this yn.
yeah?Â
minnie: i have a friend of a friend, and he saw a picture of you on my instagram. he thinks youâre really fucking hot.
who?
minnie: just some guy. anyway, do you want me to set you up with him?
noo. please donâtÂ
minnie: wait you didnât let me finish. he works in the city, and i havenât met him yet but my friend said heâs smart and funny. he seems like the kind of guy youâd like?
youâre trying to set me up with someone youâve never met yourself?
minnie: omg its called a blind date girl
no dates. please.
minnie: all right :( anyway jamie and me are getting drunk tonight. do you wanna come?
You were trying really hard, to make casual conversation more often, to just be a normal fucking human who isnât heartbroken and defined by your love for someone, so you said yes. You bought a bottle of wine from the store so you could bring it for them, as a gift for inviting you over.Â
Minnieâs place wasâŠnice. Itâs in the higher end of the city, and she definitely comes from money. You were gathered around her dining table, and youâre sitting with your knees up on her chair. Jamie was lying on the couch across you, and sheâs very tipsy already. A glass of wine was balanced on her stomach, and theyâre telling you the story of how they met â through mutual friends on a night out in the city, apparently it was love at first sight, and Jamie had asked Minnie out only days after they first met. You didnât opt for alcohol tonight, instead, you were digging into a large tub of chocolate ice-cream.Â
Minnie was sitting cross-legged on the table, in her pajamas, âAnd then, guess what restaurant she picked for our first date? ThisâŠcandle-lit fucking expensive place! I was so impressed, and kind of embarrassed I wouldnât match the vibeââ
âBut you looked fucking hotâ Jamie interrupted, âWe flirted the entire night, and thenâŠwe fucked on the very first date. At her placeâ
âWhoaâŠâ You smiled at their story, tasting another spoonful of ice cream, âAndâŠwhen did you start dating? Was it soon after that?â
âItâs embarrassing. She asked me to be her girlfriendâŠthe same nightâ Minnie giggled, covering her face in her hands. She was definitely very tipsy, and youâd only seen her this cheerful around Jamie. In class, she was much more composed and serious, and itâs nice to see the side of her around her lover. Sheâs so much more open, and happier here.
âOhâ You realised, âAnd youâve been togetherâŠthree years now?â
Minnie grinned, shrugging, âIâd already fallen in love on the first date, no matter how stupid that soundsâÂ
You smiled at that, and then buried yourself into the ice-cream cup again, licking flecks off the steel spoon. Minnie nudged you, snapping you out of it, âAre you ever gonna tell us what happened with your ex or are we supposed to guess?â
âMinnieâŠâ You rest your head against the wall, âItâs really not as interesting as your storyâ
âY/NâŠ.â She whined loudly, and she had made her way through the second bottle of wine, the one youâd brought, âYou donât trust us? I promise weâre not gonna judge. Please, please, pleaseâ
âItâs not about thatâ You sighed, but her excitement to know your past was endearing, âI just find it depressing to talk aboutâ
âWell. Thatâs what weâre here for. How can you move on if you avoid it forever?â Jamie sat up, blanket wrapped around her, and Minnie even shifted closer to you. This felt niceâŠto have friends here, in a city you couldnât call home yet.
She was right. The past shouldnât be your vulnerability. You sighed, staring inside your empty cup, âWell, then Iâm gonna need a hell of a lot more ice creamâ
âUm, so this is about the guy you mentioned right? The one you had lost touch with?â
You knew youâd be asked this story one day. You had to tell this without naming names. You couldnât compromise Hyunjin like that. To them, it would just be a guy from your town, not an idol, not someone famous. You curled up your legs, ripping open the plastic of the brand new strawberry ice-cream tub, âI donât know where to start honestly. Itâs kind of a long story, butâŠum, I had this crazy crush on a boy in my town. He was really cute. He was kind, and funny, andâŠreally really fucking hotâÂ
Minnie and Jamie laughed at that, eager ears as you continued, âI didnât think anything would happen between us, because I thought he was into my best friend. Turns out he wasnât. Me and him ended up kissing one night, it was romantic as hell. I kind of felt likeâŠthe main character in those coming-of-age 90s films. Because he wasâŠso old-fashioned in a way? But also, really modern. Heâs so romanticâ You paused to breathe and all those memories are flooding back, âI was in thisâŠpretty satin dress, and he was in a suit, with like a cropped jacket, and really cool pants. They fit him so wellâÂ
Minnie lived in a high-rise building, and from here, the city lights blinked in the distance, golden specks lighting up the horizon. The memory flooded through you, clear as day. Two people under the night sky, surrounded by mountains on all sides. He had shown you the stars and the sky. You remember telling him that stars would remind you of him now. He had held you in his arms, and imprinted his words into your soul, âAnd when I look at the city lightsâŠIâll think of youâ
Was he thinking of you now?
The city lights were brighter than ever.Â
âHoly shit. Where did he take you on a date to? The Met Gala?â Jamie laughed, âI didnât know guys our age even wear suits other than to funeralsâ
âNo, it wasnât a date date. It was just a fancy event in the townâ Maybe you had terrible storytelling skills, because nothing made sense and it was all jumbled up, but they were listening intently so you continued anyway. No words could convey your first kiss with him. No sentences could capture your emotions, the lust, the love.Â
âBut after that kiss, he regret it immediately. He wasnât really looking for a relationship. Despite that we kept kissing, over and overâŠand we didnât stop. It became a thing, I donât really know what we were doingâ You smiled softly, staring at the skyscraper lights from their window, a kaleidoscope of inappropriate memories projected on the glass. You lost your words, blaming your imagination for the way a film reel of those moments was cast onto the windows. Maybe you really were going crazy, staring at the glass, and seeing him touching you in the reflection. Heat rushed to your face, like your dirtiest thoughts were out on display, but Jamie and Minnie were quiet, and this was all in your head anyway. You took a larger serving of the ice-cream this time, the creamy texture melting on your tongue, âI guess thatâs when I realised I was absolutely, insanely in love with him, but⊠then he had to leaveâ
âLeave for what? The military?â Minnieâs eyes were wide. Jamie shushed her, âWait, let her talk babe. You can ask your questions laterâ
âNo, not the military, just for his work, and thenâŠâ Then came the hard part of this story, âAnd then he blocked me. For a few months. I donât know whyâÂ
They frowned, but they didnât interrupt you, âI saw him in a shop downtown, and he completely walked past me at firstâŠhe ignored me. But when we met later, he kissed me. Then he told me he could never see me againâ It sounded crazy told all together like this. It didnât sound like your life. It sounded like a story from some tacky relationship podcast Jeonghan would listen to, but it was the truth. Their eyes were wide as you finished, and you stared at them, feeling naked and vulnerable, âThatâs the gist of itâ
âHe sounds like an assholeâ Jamie mumbled, pouring herself another drink. Your gaze shot up to hers. âIs thatwhat Iâd made him seem like? That wasnât my intention. Heâs not an asshole, heâsâŠreally niceâ
Minnie frowned, âYeah. No nice guy would do that to someone he cares aboutâ
They didnât know he was an idol, and they couldnât know, so it was frustrating that theyâd never understand all of it. How could they have guessed that it was forbidden for Hyunjin to love you?
âHonestly that sounds really fucked up. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldnât have ghosted you in the first place, and then he had the nerve to kiss you? God, men are such dicks. As soon he had enough of the sex, he dropped you?â
They didnât know all the nice things heâd said to you, or the nice things heâd done for you. You shook your head, âNo, guys⊠it wasnât just about the physicalââ
âDid he ever tell you he loved you?â
You swallowed, âNoâŠâ
âAnd he told you he doesnât do relationshipsâ Jamie scoffed, âThatâs what my friendâs ex was like. He said the same thing, and next year he got fucking married to another girl. This boy youâre telling us aboutâŠheâs obviously not going to be single forever, especially if heâs as nice as you say he is. If he actually saw any future with you, Y/N, he would have told youâ
Minnie sighed, and it seemed like this very specific conversation about you had escalated into a hatred of most men, âIt sounds like a fucked up situationship, and babe⊠if you give him so much importance itâll only hurt you. He used you, because youâre so fucking nice. Not that thatâs your fault, butâŠheâs just like every guy I know. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, theyâre bored of herâ
A fucked up situationship? Maybe thatâs what it actually was. Hyunjin had clearly stated that what you and him had only existed in Daejon. Here you were, calling it destiny, stupidly. Your vision became blurry as tears shot up to your eyes, and it was pathetic because you werenât even drunk, you were just sad and loaded on strawberry ice-cream, âHeâs not like thatâÂ
âWhy are you defending him?â
You knew they were wrong. Obviously they were wrong, but is that what this seemed like to the outside world? That Hyunjin used you? Because you were easyâŠand nice?Â
Minnie reached out to touch your shoulder, comfortingly squeezing it, âYou can do so much better than him, Y/N. From everything you said⊠he just sounds manipulative as hellâ
You put the empty ice cream cup away, âYeahâ You mumbled, âSoâŠwhat am I supposed to do now?â
âGet yourself out there! Go on dates. Kiss every guy in Seoul if you want to, if that makes you happy. Youâre⊠fucking amazing. Are you seriously going to wait around for a guy who isnât even trying for you?â
Youâve never been a casual person, but maybe that is what you need now. Youâre done with world-shattering true loves. Even Hyunjin had casually been with girls before you, and the thought stung you that he might even be with girls after you. He only had an issue with relationshipsâŠand thatâs why heâd pushed you away, because he couldnât give you one. Thereâd be thousands of other girls whoâd be willing to be with him - no label, no expectations, just sex. Yeah, you did need to get yourself out there. How bad could it be?
»»ââââ-
The text said, Meet at eight.
Itâs half past, and your date is not here.
Youâd dressed yourself in a tight black dress, very revealing and you could hardly breathe. It was from a fancy store in your neighbourhood, and it was far too expensive, but itâd be worth it for tonight. You did your hair in a style Hana had taught you, and you havenât dolled up like this in a long, long while. The last time you dressed yourself this muchâŠwas for the Paint and Wine event in the ChĂąteau. Tonight is a first for you and you want to make a real good impression.Â
Although, itâs been more than thirty minutes and your date hasnât shown up. You were sitting at the bar, getting anxious and impatient. Looking around, the place was full, everybody seemed to be on a date, and nobodyâs looking at you. Nobody was looking for you. Youâre only a little mortified, and the best case scenario isâŠthat he got the timing wrong, or that he got busy and decided this wasnât worth his time. Minnie told you heâs working, so he obviously has a more hectic schedule than yours. The worst case? That he saw you and left.
âCan I get you anything?â The bartender asked, leaning over the wooden bar, âYouâve been here a whileâŠâ
âIâm waiting for somebody to show up. A dateâŠâ You explained, and understanding settled into his features. He headed back to the rest of his customers, and you wonder if heâs going to gossip about the poor stood-up girl at the bar. They must see this a lot everyday. This bar seems fancy, your blind date suggested you meet here so he seems like a man with good standards. Thereâs a dance floor and blaring Latin music, which brings in most of the crowd. You texted Minnie, um am i at the right bar?
shit heâs not there yet?
You decided to order a drink so tonight isnât useless after all, and you browsed through the flimsy, paper menu. Itâs got stains of ketchup on it, and itâs gross but it reminds you that you hadnât ate in hours. You wanted to be able to fit into this dress and to leave enough room for dinner with him. Your eyes caught sight of the familiar names of drinks that Hyunjin had wanted to make you but didnât have the ingredients for. You ended up choosing a Tequila Sunrise instead. You donât really want to taste an Italian Dolce Vita and discover what you missed out on that last night in Daejon with him.
An hour has passed now. You were most definitely stood-up, but youâre stubborn so you would stay until the end of tonight, and if he ever did show up youâd forgive your date in a second. Your drink was empty, youâd chugged it to calm your nerves. Your napkin was soggy, and the other couples who sat at the bar have already made their way to second base: the dance floor where theyâre grinding up against each other. You have resorted to playing with the condensation drops on your glass, observing the way the water falls onto the countertop.
A blind date was how this had all started, back in the bowling alley, so why were you getting yourself into it again? Maybe you should have more dignity, and walk away right now, but you were so desperate. If you leave tonight, youâd never work up the courage again to go on a date, and you need this more than anything. You feel so stupid, and maybe Hanaâs actions that past summer actually make sense anyway. You would do anything to forget Hyunjin. Youâd date âŠalmost anybody to get over him. Even if itâs a guy who kept you waiting for an hour by yourself.Â
âHey. Um. Are you Y/N?â An unfamiliar voice asked. You turned around to see a boy in a maroon button-up. Heâs finally here, and your heart calms a little because heâs actually cute. All Minnie had said about him was that he was smart and funny, so itâs a relief that heâs easy on the eyes too. He looked older than you, and heâs got kind eyes and curly hair. Although itâs a bit off-putting that heâs wearing a baseball cap indoors. It felt like youâre both dressed for different occasions, but you are not going to complain. No matter what happens tonight, you canâtcomplain. This isnât the time to be picky. Itâs the time to take whatever life throws at you, because clearly thatâs the only way youâre going to find somebody genuinely interested in you.
âHey, Kang-min, right?â You forced a smile at him, and suddenly youâre so nervous. This is the first real date youâve ever been on in ages.Â
The boy took the empty barstool next to you, and eyed your glass, âSorry I was late, I had a friend emergency. I hope youâre not drunk already. Thatâd be meanâ
You smiled, watching the way he sat so comfortably like this was routine for him, âIt was just one drink. Donât worry, I just came here tooâ Just a little white lie so he wouldnât feel too guilty.
His eyes flickered over your dress, falling to your cleavage, âDid you buy that just for me?â
It was so forward that it caught you off guard. Your eyes widened, and you donât want to give away how much tonight could possibly mean to you. So you said, âUm. Depends. Do you like it?â
He laughed, gaze on your bare legs and thighs, shamelessly checking you out, âGuess youâll find outâ
You donât really know what to say so you smile at him, hoping he also likes the shade of red lipstick youâre wearing. He looks around the place, catching a feel for it, and then back at you. He looked at the bartender, snapping his fingers to catch his attention and ordered a drink for himself. A large beer. Tasteful. He looked at you and asked, âSoâŠwhatâs your damage, pretty?â
âSorry?â
His drink arrived pretty fast, and he lift the large glass to his lips. In a single go, he finished all of it, and youâre surprised at how fast he drank this. He had foam on his upper lip as he said, âYou agreed to go on a blind date. Your last relationship must have been seriously fucked upâ
You hoped you masqueraded your frown, âI just wanted to try something newâ
âRightâŠmakes senseâ He tsked, âSo my friend told me youâre an artistâ
You smiled, relieved the conversation steered in a direction you were familiar with, âYup. I study at a studio in the city. Itâs an art program under this artist--â
He interrupted you, âI hear artists infamously make almost no money, but I mean youâre living in Seoul. You must be pretty well offâ He pointed at you, almost accusatory, a grin on his face, âLet me guess, rich parents. Trust fund. Private school educationâ
You shook your head, a little offended and surprised that he made such an assumption in five minutes of knowing you, âNo. IâŠI worked a couple of years and saved up for thisâ
He called the bartender again, to order a second beer and seemed surprised, âThat takes some serious hustle. Why art then? You couldâve picked anything in the worldâ
âWhat do you mean?â
âI meanâŠnot to offend anyone, but thereâs no money in art. Whatâs the point of it then?â
âUmâŠâ You laughed, nervously. You realised that youâve never been asked this question before. Most people in your life knew you since birth, and never questioned your passion for it, âItâs just what I like to do. It makes me really happy to paint beautiful thingsââ
âSo you donât paint about real shit?â
âSorry?â
âI think my personal pet peeve is when people pretend the world is so great and lovely, even though everythingâs so fucked up. Seems like you look at the world with rose-tinted glasses, if you only like to paint all the nice, pretty things, and not something that actually mattersâ
âI think art can be about everything, and thatâs the beauty of it. It doesnât always have to make a social statement, but it can always be interpreted as such. Some art is just about capturing the beauty of our world, and thatâs okay tooâ You forced a smile, wanting to get the heat off you, âUm so you never told me⊠What do you do?â
He looked at you over the rim of his glass, âIâm a pharmacy tech. In short; I make important phone calls, and deal with horribly annoying peopleâ
So thatâs why Minnie said he was smart, âOhâŠthat must have taken a lot of studyingâ
âYeah. Not everyone can do it, but somebody has toâ He laughed, âI stepped up. I make good money though. So, um, arenât you going to get another drink, Y/N or are you a lightweight?â
âIâm goodâ You smiled, although you were hungry as fuck because youâd been waiting for him so long, âMaybe we could order the food now?â
âHere?â He chuckled, âItâs really not worth it, I only come here for the beer. You didnât get dinner before this?â
âIâŠI thought weâd eat togetherâ
He laughed, pushing his curls out of his face, âNo, Iâd rather get drunk with youâŠand we can danceâ
You looked to the dance floor which smelled of sweat and other things you donât want to think of, âMaybe we could just talk more. Iâll just get another drink thenâ
He smiled, then looked at the bartender, âA beer for the ladyâ
âActually, I might get wineâÂ
His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled, âOh. Let me guess. You want the most expensive one, right?â
You blinked, âUmâŠno Iâm okay with any. The cheapest one is fine tooâ
He laughed, throwing his head back, âNo wine is cheap, pretty. â
âI can pay for itâ You offered. Ugh. You wanted him to like you so bad.Â
âNo, no, youâre out with me. You should have a real drinkâ He went ahead and ordered a beer for you. He probably thought you were the most boring girl in this entire city, so you agreed. You needed tonight to go well. Obviously, he wasnât anything like Hyunjin, but no one could be. If you compared every boy to him, youâd never find anybody. So this would have to do. You sipped on the beer, and it tasted bitter and so horrible, but you swallowed anyway, shooting him a smile. Youâd been miserable for long, you needed to let go, and have fun. You could be that kind of girl.
He grinned, reaching forward to grab your thigh, fingers clawing against your skin, âYouâre cuteâ
You were distracted by the suddenness of his touch, and you laughed, nervously, âThank you. Youâre cute too. I like your piercingsâ
âYeah?â He tilt his head, smirking, âYouâre like the tenth girl to say that to me. I must be doing something rightâ
You didnât have much experience with first dates... was it always this fucking awkward? His hand was inching closer up your thigh. You shifted away slightly, hoping he wouldnât notice. Sure, he was attractive, but you werenât attracted to him yet. It was too soon.Â
âSoâŠyou said youâre late because of a friend emergency? What was it?â You wanted hoping to keep the conversation going, and to keep it interesting. You wanted to know more about him.Â
âUgh. Do not remind meâ He rolled his eyes.
âSorryâ You apologised, âIs your friend okay?â
âNope. He ran out of some weed, so I had to run down and get some for him. Even though he knew I had a date tonight and hot girls rank higher in priority than weedâ
âOhâŠyou seem like a good friendâ
He was a perfectly cute boy, why couldnât you let loose? Just because youâd been attracted to Hyunjin from the first time you saw him, did not mean itâd happen with everybody else. That kind of shit was once in a lifetime, and if you started expecting those sparks from every future relationship, youâd be lonely forever. But all you could wish for was him. The way he was around you, how he talked to you⊠the way your body was on fire when he so much as breathed near you. The thought choked you. There was no way youâd be hung up on him forever. You had to move on. It had to be as fast as possible, and tonight should be it. How often would a guy agree to go on a date with you anyway?Â
So, when his hand landed on your thigh again, and slipped under the hem of your dress, you didnât stop him. You forced a smile, hoping somehow your body would cooperate, and youâd actually start enjoying it. His nails were long, digging into your upper thigh, inching closer to your underwear.Â
âMaybe we could play a drinking game or something. To get to know each other betterâ You suggested.Â
âOkayâ He agreed, pulling his bar stool closer and leaned in, âName of the last guy you fuckedâ
Your eyes widened, âWhoa. Youâre getting right to itâŠâ What game was this? Why would he want to know that anyway?
He tilt his head, smirking, âDonât stall. You have fucked, right?â
Oh⊠So he just wanted to know if you were a virgin. âYeah. I haveâ You tried to change the topic, trying not to feel disgusted at this implication, âIsnât it my turn to ask you something now? I meanâŠaccording to the gameâ
Kangmin smiled, lazily, running a hand through his curls, âYouâreâŠalready playing pretty hard to get though. Weâll have plenty of time to know each other. My place is pretty close. Weâve got all night.âÂ
SoâŠhe probably only picked this bar because he lived close by. Maybe this was his way of flirting with you, or you ended up going on a date with the worst guy in Korea. This was how the rest of your life would be? He leaned in closer to you, and his breath reeked of beer, and you realised in horror that he wanted to kiss you. You couldnât. You moved away, before his lips could touch yours, hoping your unease would disappear, âSorry. Iâm nervousâ
He hummed, almost taking this as a challenge, hand sliding under your dress completely, âA few more drinks then?â
You felt nauseous, instead of turned on. God, what the fuck were you doing here. This was a mistake. You couldnât do this. âActually. Iâm justâŠgonna run to the bathroom for a minuteâ You grabbed your purse.Â
He sat up straighter, a smirk on his lips, âOh? Thatâs where you want to take this?"
Your eyes widened at his implication, âWhat? NoâŠIâŠI just need to goâ
âOhâ He looked disappointed, and a little confused, like he couldnât comprehend why you wouldnât want to fuck him in a random club bathroom.Â
You got up, making your way through the dance floor. When you looked back, he was already ordering another beer for the two of you. You shouldnât have agreed to this date. You donât know what you expected. It had surely helped Hana, but she moved on from Yeonjun with Hyunjin. Of course that helped her. For their date, he took her to the coolest Japanese restaurant in Daejon, and a part of you thought tonight could be like that. Of course it couldnât. That was her. That was him. This was all you.Â
It was freezing outside, and there was an alley of smokers right at the exit. Mostly old men, and some younger girls, blowing puffs of smoke into your face as you passed them. You leaned against the brick wall, trying to book a cab, but to your luck, there were none available. Your first instinct was to text Yeonjun, but he was on a work retreat, as far as you remember. Although Jeonghan⊠had told you he was going to be out in the city today. If he was close enoughâŠmaybe he could help you get home. You dialled his number.
âY/N! howâs it going?â He asked, and then immediately said, âWait, if youâre calling me in the middle of your date that meansââ
âCan you come pick me up? Please. Thereâs no taxisâ You blurted. A few of the smokers were eyeing you up, and you covered your chest with your arms, stepping away from their cloud of smoke, âAnd umâŠI donât feel comfortable taking the train back aloneâ
He paused, âUhhâŠyouâre at the bar downtown?âÂ
âYeahâŠI know itâs out of the way. Iâm really sorry to bother you, I justââ
âIâm on my way, Y/N. Donât apologiseâ
You squeezed your eyes shut in relief. You tried to catch your breath, but there was no fresh air here. Minutes passed so slowly, and you were shivering against the brick wall. Everytime a guy approached you, you just pretended to be on your phone, hoping Jeonghan would be here soon. The back door to the club opened, and your blind date, Kang-min stepped out. He walked straight to you, and he lookedâŠreally pissed. You straightened up, watching him get closer. âWhat the fuck?â He laughed, âI was waiting for you to come backâ
âIâŠIâm sorryâ You apologised, âI was feeling sickâ
He seemed upset, âYou didnât even pay for your drinkâ
âOh. Iâm sorry. I justââ You reached into your purse, but just as you did, you spotted Jeonghan on the other side of the street. When he saw you, he did a little jog up to you.
You looked back at Kang-min, âI have to go. My friend is hereâ
âWhat?â Your blind date asked, stepping closer.
âWhoa, whoa. Back off, dude" Jeonghan made it to you, eyes narrowed at him, âLetâs go, Y/Nâ He grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side.
Kang-min laughed, âWhatever. You arenât even that hot, bitchâ
Before you could say anything, Jeonghan tugged at your hand, taking you away from a possible confrontation, âCome on, the subway is close byâ
âFuck. Shit. Iâm really sorryâ You apologised, running your hands through your hair, trying to process what you just put yourself through. You followed behind him as you walked to the nearest station. He shook his head, making sure you stayed close to him, âNo, no donât be. Iâm sorry it took me so long. I missed this stop at firstâ
Technically, you could have taken the train home yourself, but it was late andâŠyou were in the worst mood. Jeonghan bought the tickets, and you waited at the platform, squeezing your purse in your hands. A little bakery was still open at the station, and he asked, âYou already ate dinner, right?â
âYeah. Letâs just go homeâ You mumbled. He did not need to know that your supposed fancy dinner date consisted of only cheap beer. You could have some cold pizza when you got home. The train arrived, and you boarded it, standing next to him in a corner, away from the crowd. You were so fucking embarrassed, but he wasnât judging you.
So no more blind dates for you then⊠or perhaps it was a work in progress, and you would just have to keep powering through. It wasnât Minnieâs fault either, she had no idea about the guy beingâŠsuch an asshole. You stared out at the window as the train whizzed by stations, trying to not feel so sorry for yourself. Jeonghan asked you about the blind date, and you told him the gist of it.
He shook his head, releasing a groan, âThat sounds really annoying, sorry. It sucks that most guys I know here are all like that. Iâm surprised he even let you leaveâ
You swallowed, âYeah. Were you busy when I called?â
âI was just working on an assignmentâ
âOh, Iâm sorryâ
âIâm obviously kiddingâ He laughed, âItâs a Saturday night, I was at a party at my friendsââ
âOh. Is he gonna be mad you left?â
âIt doesnât matter. I told him my friend needed help getting out of a date. He totally understood. This happens here more than you think, unfortunatelyâÂ
Your place wasnât too far from the bar, and you arrived sooner than you thought. Jeonghan even chose to walk you home, not wanting you to take any deserted alleys on your own. You stopped in front of your building, and he asked you, âYou gonna be fine?â
You blew a puff of cold air, leaning against the front wall, âYeah. I justâŠI donât think I should have gone on the dateâ
He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, smiling at you, âAt least you have a funny story to tell the kidsâ
You scoffed, âWhat kids? At this rate, Iâm going to die aloneâ
âYouâre dramatic. Iâm sure the other dates you go on will be better. Hopefullyâ
âYeahâŠâ You already dreaded the idea of going on more dates, âI just thoughtâŠitâd help me not be stuck in the past, you know? Or maybe the only thing that can help me is that potion from the movie you were telling me about. Eternal Sunshine, was it?â
Jeonghan laughed loudly, âItâs not a potion, Y/N! Itâs a science fiction movie, not fantasyâ
You rolled your eyes, smiling, âWhateverâ
âMaybe we can get you on a dating app. If youâre looking to casually mess around with a decent guy, those are good. It requires more effort, butâŠsome guys are sweet. At least better than the blind date you hadâ
You smiled, âHmm. Are you on a dating app?â
âWhy? Would you swipe on me, if you saw me on one?â He sounded so coy.
Your eyes flickered over him. Under the lights on the street where you lived, Jeonghan looked pretty. He looked safe. Tonight he was dressed in a simple white tee, a flannel covering him, hanging off one shoulder. You smiled, a flush rising to your cheeks, âNo but seriously, thanks forâŠrescuing me tonightâ
âMmh, that was very damsel in distress of you to call me like thatâÂ
You smiled up at him, âDonât push itâ
âIâm just surprised you actually agreed to go on a date. Minnie and her girlfriend must have had some magical convincing powersâ
You sighed, âI thought kissing somebody else would help me. Maybe I should have just let him kiss me, but I might have thrown up if he did. TonightâŠwas an absolute failure.â
Jeonghan let out a soft hum at your words, âI seeâ
âWhat?â You frowned, standing up straighter.
âAh. Donât pout. Wasnât a total failure. I got to see you all dressed up. Youâre usually showing up to class in just sweatsâ
âAre you making fun of my heartbreak?â You laughed, pushing him lightly.
He stumbled back on the curb, laughing, âAnd are you trying to kill me? Donât push me onto the road, Y/N!â
You giggled, pulling him back on the sidewalk, âThereâs no cars, Jeonghan. Youâre so dramaticâ
He frowned, throwing his hands up, âI was just saying that if you want to kiss someone tonight. IâŠwouldnât be totally opposed to the idea.âÂ
He floated that suggestion so casually. Your eyes widened at it, and you didnât know what to make of it, âYouâreâŠjoking, right?â
He shrugged, and there was no nervousness, âIf your big dream of tonight was to kiss some guyâŠI mean, youâre my friend. Itâs not a big dealâ
âSo a pity kiss?ïżœïżœ You frowned, but a smile tugged at your lips.
He rolled his eyes, âOh my god. If you donât want a kiss, then justââ
You didnât let him finish, stepping ahead, hand grabbing his face down to yours. Your mouth met his, if only to shut him up. He immediately kissed you back, hands threading through your hair, messing up your fancy hair. His lips were rough, but it was niceâŠbecause it was different. Thatâs exactly what you wanted right now, a taste of something new and unfamiliar. Maybe you were trying to prove something by kissing him. He stepped ahead to be closer, and tilt his head, deepening the kiss. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you pulled away. It only lasted a few seconds.
He pulled back too, mouth stained from your lipstick, âMm. That wasnât too badâ
You stared up at him, âYouâre so annoyingâ
He hummed, voice breathy, âYour lips are really soft, Y/N. What lip balm do you use?â
You sighed, âI should have just pushed you on the streetâ
âOuch. I just gave you a pity kiss and you have the audacity to threaten me?â
âShut up!â You laughed, shoving him away. You were thankful he didnât make this awkward and didnât read into it.
âNo, Iâm serious. It was really, really good. Youâre a great kisserâŠbut I should tell you, and this is really importantâŠâ
âYesâŠ?â
âYou taste like cheap beerâ
âUghâŠI knowâ You closed your eyes, feeling tiredness seep into your limbs, âAnyway, I should goâ
He nodded at you, âYup. See you in class tomorrowâ
You waved goodbye, making your way up to your apartment, feeling the sensation of his lips on yours still. The kiss was niceâŠbut there was nothing electric about it. It was nothing like what it could be. Itâs like youâd taken one step forward, and two steps back. Tonight was all about moving on, but everything that happened had just made you miss Hyunjin more.
»»ââââ-
This time, you bought the coffee. You found a cute table, over by the window, and you waited. Your earphones were plugged in, but itâs on mute, and youâre choosing to listen to the sounds of the cafe instead. The cafe you discovered with your friends was so cute. Plants hung from every corner, and there was cool seating; couches with crochet pillows and pink heart-shaped seats. It had so much personality, and it fuelled your inspiration. It could be your new haven.
The chair opposite you shifted, and Kairi sat down. âThere you are. Iâm dying for some caffeineâ She smiled, cherry-colored lips. She was dressed in a fleece bomber jacket. You shot her a smile, trying to not be nervous, âHey⊠Did you want a Mocha? I wasnât sure if youâd like the same as last timeâ
âAmericanoâ She told you, settling comfortably like you did this each day. She had been so sweet to you even in the few moments you had with her. She was a breath of fresh air. So, after your failure of a date, you had finally texted her back, and decided to let her into your life. Maybe you could immerse yourself into your new friendships, and you could move on like that. When you were standing in line to buy her coffee, you glanced in her direction and she was smiling at you, fondly. She hadnât seemed upset that you didnât text her back for so long. You wondered how much she knew about you, how much Hyunjin told her, or even Chan.Â
When you walked back to the table with coffee and snacks, you feared there might not be anything to talk about if she already has existing assumptions of you, but once your conversation startedâŠit didnât end.
âSo youâve only been here a few weeks right?â Kairi was sipping on her coffee, a plate of half-eaten biscuits laid between you. From here, you had a perfect view of the street and it looked Parisian. Itâs good for people-watching, but right now, Kairiâs the most interesting thing here, âYou seem like youâre settling in wellâ
âI think so. Iâve lost trackâ You answered her, reaching for a biscuit, âI moved here in the fall, and itâs almost winter now, but it also feels like no time has passedâ
âYouâre so luckyâ She hummed.Â
You lift an eyebrow, âWhy?â
âIâve always had this crazy dream, to move somewhere new. A place where people would have absolutely no idea who I am. I could have a new name, new jobâ She laughed, âLike a secret identityâ
âWhy would you want that?â
She shrugged, wiping biscuit crumbs off her mouth, âIâm curious to see what kind of person I might be in another country⊠if Iâd behave differently, if Iâd have different reactions to situationsâŠif Iâd have the same kind of friends, or jobâ
âOhâŠwowâ You blinked, âYouâve actually thought it throughâ
âWell, yesâ She shook her head, smiling, âYou did start over. Howâs that been for you, Y/N?"
You leaned back in your seat, itâs a plush leather and pink in color. In this moment, it doesnât feel like this is the first real conversation youâre having with her, âItâs harder in practice, Kairi. I think your baggage ends up following you everywhereâ
She leaned forward, and her eyes were sparkling, âNo, but what if it didnât? What if you could haveâŠa clean slate? What would you do, Y/N?â
âWhat would I doâŠ.?â Youâre left wondering. In a way, Seoul was your clean slate, but youâve let it be tainted by your sadness, âI think Iâd move to ParisâŠor a big city like Milan. I wouldâŠhave a cool, catchy name, and Iâd dye my hair a crazy colorâ
Kairi laughed, âReally? And what would you do in a city so big?â
âI donât know. I would love to set up those little stalls at crowded places like the Eiffel Tower, and paint tourists, capturing them at their happiest. People are always so carefree on their vacations, and theyâre always dressed their best. Even if I donât make much money doing their portraitsâŠIâd kill to give them a beautiful memory, something they could hang on their fridge door or something, you know what I mean? Itâs not ambitious at all but man, I could imagine doing that for years and enjoying itâ
Kairi was smiling wide, eyes crinkling as you talked, and you suddenly felt embarrassed for the way youâd been rambling, âUm sorry. I donât know what came over me. Thatâs not what you askedâ
This was strange becauseâŠyou havenât felt excited like this in a long while. You felt inspired. Itâs as if something has changed, just from her presence. She put you at ease.Â
âNo, youâre so cute. Your dreams are beautifully simplisticâ She told you, and you almost blushed.
âWhat would you do, Kairi? If you could be anyone in the world?â You had a newfound vigor and energy, only from this conversation alone. Was it really so simple to find motivation?Â
âI would move to the countrysides of JapanâŠor an island in Hawaii. Somewhere away from people. It would be nice to have so much time for myself, and not be surrounded by millions of othersâ
Your heart warmed hearing her talk, âWe want the exact opposite things. Thatâs kind of funny. You should move to Daejonâ
Kairi laughed, âHyunjin told me it was beautifulâ
Your smile fell, momentarily, and you nodded, âIt is. Yeah. What else did he tell youâŠabout me?â
Her lips parted, to answer, but before she could, your phone buzzed loudly on the table.
âWho is that?â She asked. You looked up at her in surprise. âSorryâ She apologised, cheeky, âIâm nosy like thatâ
âItâs my neighbourâ You told her, reading Jeonginâs text, âApparently he locked himself out. He needs help getting back inâ
She frowned, âThatâs annoyingâ
âYeah, heâs always helping me get in, like every second dayâŠâ You told her, typing in a reply to tell Jeongin youâd be there soon.
Kairi sat up straighter, a sad pout on her face, âI guess that means you have to leaveâ
âYeah. Shitâ You realised, âIâm sorry. I would like to stay moreââ
She reached across the table, grabbing your hand, and you noticed sheâs wearing a charm bracelet, similar to one you had, âDonât worry about it. Youâll just have to make it up to me thenâ
You tilt your head, âHow?â
âSame time. Tomorrowâ
You smiled at her eagerness, âUmâŠIâm not sure if Iâll be free, Kairi. I might have classâŠâ
She squeezed your hand, âRegardless, Iâll be here. I have some work on my laptopâŠand I prefer to work out here, soâŠâ
And that was it.
You rushed home to Jeongin, helping him get into the building, and he was intensely apologetic of cutting your plan short. Heâd been standing on the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and a sheepish smile on his face, âShit. I ruined your day, didnât I?â
You shook your head, inserting your keys into the doorknob, âNot at all. I wasnât going to let you stand out here in the cold. And are we still in the 18th century? You should talk to Mr. Kwon and have digital keypads put in or something. He loves you, so heâd listen to youâ
He watched you from where he stood, arms crossed over his chest, âWhat happened today?â
You glanced back at him, âSorry?â
âYou havenât had a proper conversation with me in daysâ
You stilled, not realising that youâd done so, you hadnât meant to be so flippant, âJeongin, Iâm sorry, IâŠâ
âYou donât need to apologise. Itâs good. I like it. You seem chatty todayâ
You smiled, âUm. I just met a friend for coffeeâ
âAh. Is that all it takes to win your heart?âÂ
You rolled your eyes, âStopâŠâ
âIs it the same friend that dropped you off the other day? That boy?â
Your eyes widened, âHow do you know that? Have you been spying on meâ
âYou wishâ He walked past you on the stairs, âThat was an awkward kiss, Y/N. Havenât your friends in the city taught you anything yet?âÂ
You gasped, following up after him, âWhat do you mean it was awkward?â
Jeongin laughed, stopping in front of his apartment door, âIâm kidding. Is that dude your boyfriend?â
You hugged your bag, leaning against the stairwell, âNo⊠heâs just my friend from classâ
Jeongin smiled, âI seeâŠwell, if you ever wanna hang out with someone not from your classâŠâ He pointed to his door, âMy doorbellâs right hereâ
Then he left, and you stood at the stairwell, a soft smile on your face.Â
»»ââââ-
The table by the window with the heart-shaped chairs was occupied. Kairi sat on one side, laptop before her, a cup of tea and a gochujang sandwich with the meat spilled out. The chair opposite her was empty, for you. She didnât see you when you walked in, too busy typing super fast on the laptop. âNo coffee today?â You asked, sitting down.Â
She seemed surprised, cheeks dimpling as she smiled at you, looking away from her work, âYou made it. How was class?â
You hung your scarf over the back of the pink seat, glancing outside. It could have been a beautiful afternoon, if the weather werenât so dreary. âIt was just work in studio time... I left early.â
âYouâre kidding me. I feel specialâ She grinned, eyebrows raising teasingly. She is special. Thereâs something about her thatâs changed the energy in you, making you get out of bed today.
âI didnât want to keep you waitingâ You admitted, folding your arms on the little table, âAnd I thought we could pick up where we left off. I was wondering about it all nightâ
âHmm, right. You can text me too, you know?â She leaned forward, head in her hands, âYou asked me a question yesterday. You still want to know?â
Youâd asked her what Hyunjin had said about you, and you swallowed. Immediately thereâs a damper in your mood, âIâŠI was just really curious, becauseâŠâ What if he talked shit about you? What if all she knew about you were your flaws? Your gut hurt and you shook your head, âActually, I donât want to know, never mindâ
She sensed the drop in you, âDonât worry about that. Youâre mine to know nowâ
âWhat do you mean?â
âI meanâŠI want to know you on my own terms. Not through secondhand stories of your personality. We donât need to talk about him, at allâ
Itâs like a weight lifted off your chest, âWe donâtâŠ?â
You donât want your friendship with her to stem from Hyunjin, becauseâŠHyunjin has given up on you. Heâs lost all hope for the two of you, and you canât let that taint this new beginning. In an ideal world, you could erase him from your mind, and nothing would be tainted by the beauty of his existence. Heâs ruined everything for you, because the happiness of nothing can compare to him.Â
You want the exclusivity of her. She wants to know you without the attached drama of broken hearts. You also want to know the real Kairi, without Chan, and it seems like she wants to know you too, without Hyunjin.Â
âWe donât have to ever talk about him, if you donât want to. I donât want to spend all our time talking about boys anywayâ She smiled, and itâs a relief. Your shoulders relax. You donât want to relive the past like you did with Minnie and Jamie.Â
You smiled too, âWell anywayâŠI see that youâre having tea todayâ
She laughed, a pleasant sound that calmed you, âWell, if weâre going to be doing this everyday, I have to start being more healthyâ
âEverydayâŠ?â
A single cup of coffee turned into a weekâs worth. A week turned into a month, and quickly, it became obvious that she was your favourite person to hang out with in the city. Yeonjun was there, but he was different. Jeonghan and Minnie were closer to you everyday, but you only talked about art. Kairi and you talked about everything, and anything. Anything except him. She told you about her work, about the drama and the gossip with her coworkers. You told her about the movies Felix used to drag you to, and the music that played on repeat in Aeraâs. You hadnât made time for a movie since forever, so one day, she took you to the theater and instead of your routine coffee, you had soda.
You like to sketch while you talk, and she sits across you, finishing up her work. Her corporate job is tough, but you keep each other entertained. Your art still isnât too inspired. Youâre struggling, and you come home to an empty bed each night. Thereâs nights you get lost in the memories of summer, and there are mornings when you wake up from dreams of him. Sweet dreams. Dirty dreams. Beautiful, out-of reach dreams. In your dreams, heâs yours still.
All your afternoon naps remind you of him. Something about the sunlight, the warm wooden floors and you have an urge to be in his arms. So you stop sleeping during the day. In the moonlight and secrecy of your bed, you still touch yourself to thoughts of only one boy. You canât help it.
All of the people who said time heals all wounds, were actually right. Each day, the burden is less. It feels like you were inching closer and closer to a state of not just being heartbroken. You had your moments though, like when Jeonghan would take you home after class, the skyscrapers would reflect onto the train windows, and youâd think of how prettier the blinding lights would be through Hyunjinâs eyes. Your own couldnât capture the beauty he could see.
Thereâd be moments -- when someone in the coffee shop would order a vanilla iced latte with whipped cream and sprinkles, and your heart would skip a beat, wondering if heâd be on the other end of the counter to take it. But of course, Hyunjin could never walk into a crowded coffee shop in the middle of Seoul. Â
On the other handâŠKairi and you are closer every day. The day you invited her to your apartment, she met Jeongin on the staircase, and she fawned over how contagious his smile was. She picked you up from the Atelier one day, and bumped into your friends from class, and she loved them too. She can be intimidating sometimes, with her classy clothes, bold personalityâŠbut she has endless love to give to everyone, and sheâs not a fan of keeping it hidden. You love that the most about her. Itâs easy to be happier around her. You wonder how her and Chan ever made it work. A love like theirs shouldnât be behind closed doors.Â
On a Thursday afternoon, you were none the wiser when she told you, âSoâŠmy birthdayâs next weekâ
You spilled your coffee at the revelation, staring up at her in shock, âYouâre telling me now?â
Her eyes widened at the reaction, and she pulled out a tissue from the dispenser to wipe the table clean as she laughed, âWhy not?â
âThatâsâŠnot enough timeâ
âFor?â
âI have to buy you a presentâ
She giggled, âA present? You donât need to, Y/Nâ
You scoffed, and youâre so much more comfortable around her now, âI kind of have an obsessive problem when it comes to birthdaysâ
She shook her head, âYou really donât need to get me anything. Some of my friends from work are throwing a party, and Iâd like you to be there. Obviouslyâ
âA party?â
She smiled, âItâll be fun. You can invite Jeonghan too. It wonât be too big a thing, but Iâm guessing thereâs gonna be a lot of plus-onesâ
âWhere is it?â
She smiled, sipping her coffee in between. Sheâd given up on tea after the first time, âSoâŠthere are these campgrounds outside Seoul. Itâs a few hours from the city, itâs alongside the bank of the Han River. Thereâs a lot ofâŠoutdoorsy shit there, volleyball courts, barbecue grills, some cabins if anyone wants to stay overnight, canoes. I was thinking itâd be nice to go there.
âThatâŠsounds amazing actuallyâ
âI donât know what to wear yet. Everybodyâs going to be in swimsuits, since the riverâs right there and my friends all love to go out on it, skinny dip and everythingâ
âOh wowâ You blinked, and Kairiâs friends sound as free-spirited as her, âMaybeâŠI could help you choose what to wear?â
She clapped her hands, a wide smile on her face and you love seeing her like this, âPerfect. I know what weâre doing tomorrowâ
»»ââââ-
The curtains of the trial room parted, and Kairi stepped out, doing a spin for you. The lights of the boutique are harsh, but Kairi looks amazing. She doesnât dress up much â youâve seen her entire range of dark sweaters, and graphic jackets over the weeks by now.
âShit, you look amazingâ You realised, eyes roaming her figure. A black bikini hugged her tightly, and it was the sexiest swimsuit youâd ever seen. Under the bust, two silver chains hugged her torso, sparkling under the store lights, wrapping around her navel too.
She had a smile on her lips, and she seemed satisfied with it too, âIs this the one?â
Youâre in a cute boutique, it sells dresses and swimsuits and silver jewellery. Itâs decorated prettily, and thereâs not many people here because itâs not summer. Itâs rapidly approaching winter, and in a few weeks, itâll be Christmas.Â
âItâs the oneâ You nodded, standing up to circle around her, âYou lookâŠgorgeous. Everybody will fall in love with youâ
Her smile fell at those words.
You must have said the wrong thing, âWhatâs wrong?â
She shook her head, âChris would love it so much. He was always hyping me up, especially when I bought new clothes because I barely ever didâ
She didnât talk about him much. In fact, this was one of the first few times she brought him up. Every time she did talk about him, it was with confidence. They had broken up ages ago, but she was never angry about it. How does she possess such ease in her, to talk of a failed love? If it was so confident, why would it end?
With trepidation, you voiced your thoughts, âCan IâŠask you what happened?âÂ
It was a shot in the dark, of course. She didnât have to tell you the truth, and you could handle not knowing. She wasnât surprised youâd asked. She just sat down on the boutique floor, stretching her legs onto the fluffy carpet, âUhâŠitâs not that big of a dealâ
You joined her, crossing your legs, touching her hand, âYou can tell me, but only if youâre comfortable with thatâ
âSomeone threatened to kill meâ She chuckled.
âWhat?â
âIt was probably an empty threatâ She shrugged, âNo big dealâ
âButâŠwhy? What, I donât understand?â
She tilt her head, âYou know Yoko Ono?â
âJohn Lennonâs wife?â
She nodded, âAfter she got married to him, and The Beatles broke upâŠeverybody blamed her for it. Apparently he was putting her before the music, and she was one of the reasons the band ended. Could you imagine how much people hated her? They singlehandedly blamed her for the breakup ofâŠthe most iconic band in the worldâ
Your brows furrowed, âBut what has that got to do with you?âÂ
âA few months ago, a paparazzi spotted ChanâŠat a luxury storeâ She breathed in. Your heart skipped a beat, watching Kairi talk.
âI guess he wasâŠlooking at engagement rings. I donât know for sure. Maybe he was buying something for himselfâ She breathed, âBut after the news of that came out and people realised that the Bang Chan may be getting marriedâŠâ
âOhâŠâ
âPeople think Iâm gonna be the Yoko Ono hereâ She forced a smile, âThat heâs gonna get caught up in this relationship, and not pay attention to their music. That heâll choose me over the fameâ
âKairiâŠIâm so sorryâ You traced a soothing circle on her skin, but you had goosebumps from just listening to her, âThatâs fucking unfairâ
âAnyway, those pictures were the beginning of the threats. I wasnât too concernedâŠbecause honestly, Chris is the only thing that mattered to me, if he was happy, if he was okay. As long as he was good, I would be too. But Pegasus thought they were real. And ChrisâŠhe was scared for meâ
âIâd be scared tooâ
She let out another scoff, but she was shaking, and you could tell how much this bothered her, âSo instead of marrying the love of my lifeâŠwe broke up.â
Your chest wrenched, âIâmâŠso sorry, Kairiâ
She nodded, head bending down, and squeezed your hand, âIâm sorry too. Itâs stupid that the entire life me and him had planned together may not ever happen because of a few threats posted online by losers. Maybe they were real though. I donât know. I guess Iâll never knowâ
âCouldnât the company do something about it?â
She scoffed, âThe company wonât do shit. They can protect Chris all they want, but theyâd never step up to protect his partner. Their entire image revolves around them being singleâŠand available. Sex sells. Their sex appeal is more important to them than his lifeâÂ
It wasnât a competition, but her heartbreak was much worse than yours. She had everything, and then she lost it. You mumbled, and you hurt for her, âItâsâŠnot fair at allâ
âYeah. Anyway, me and Chris werenât getting along towards the end of that. We disagreed on a lot of shit.â She nodded, lifting her head up to meet yours, âThe breakup was hard on the others too. Especially Hyunjin, heâŠâ She paused, âItâs almost like he took it personallyâÂ
The name sang to your heart, coursing through your veins like lifeblood, making your pulse quicker. âHe loved the two of you togetherâ You ended up saying.Â
Kairi smiled at you, âHe tell you about us?â
âYeahâŠhe said Iâd really love youâ
She smiled, eyes crinkling, âHe was clearly right about thatâÂ
âCan I⊠ask you something?â You said, and she nodded, âDo you ever think youâll get back together?â
She smiled, âI mean, I can hope, but unfortunatelyâŠthe decision would have to lie with Chris. If things go wrong, he could lose everything. I would lose nothingâŠexcept him. So in the end, itâs up to him. Right now, I think itâs impossible. In summer, a news website threatened to publish about our relationship. Chris isnât equipped to deal with the fallout that comes with thatâ
âOhâŠIâm sorryâ
She took another breath, âUm, we should probably get off the floor before the employees sees us. Itâs your turn to try on a bikini anywayâ
You couldnât understand where she conjured up all her positivity from, and you shook your head once you realised what sheâd said, âOh, no Kairi, I have a swimsuit alreadyâ
She shrugged, tugging your arm to make you stand up, âYouâre going to get a new one though. Itâs my birthday, you have toâ
âButâŠâ You protested, as she lightly shoved you towards the rack. Tons of bikinis hung on it, ranging from all different styles and colors. Ombre, mismatched, bejeweled. âI donât knowâŠâ You touched the material of a blue one, wondering how youâd pick one.
âHow about this lilac?â She asked, pulling a set out. It was too sexy, and too out there. It was the kind of thing Hana would force you to wear. Kairi must have noticed the drop in your expression, because she spoke, âActually, Iâm sure we can find another oneâ
After some looking around and a lot of nudges from her, you settled on a red bikini set. It wasâŠbeautiful. It looked like a thing youâd see on a model in a catalogue. There were metal hearts instead of strings, on either side of the underwear. Youâd never be one for vanity, but right nowâŠyou could stare at yourself for hours. It fit you perfectly, like nothing else ever had, almost as if it was made for just your body, nobody elseâs. When you stepped out, Kairi was patiently waiting on the ottoman. She was rocking her heels back and forth, and she still hadnât changed out of her final pick, âHoly shitâ She grinned, âWeâreâŠgonna look so fucking hot!â
You giggled, âYouâre looking forward to it, right? I wanna help your friends plan it too, if thatâs okayâ
She pulled you into a hug, warm arms enveloping around you. You were still in your swimsuits with the tags on, but you melted into her embrace as she mumbled, âOf course thatâs okay! Plus, youâre gonna be there âŠso Iâm not worried about anythingâ
»»ââââ-
The campgrounds were beautiful, and the party was in full swing. Green grass stretched for miles, running alongside the Han river. Bordering on the outskirts of Seoul, it was far from all the noise, the pollution, and the constant ringing of the sirens. They werenât just normal campgrounds though. Instead of cabins, there were little glass houses, hidden beneath trees with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the river, which people could book for vacation rentals all year round. Everything in the city was more boujee. Even nature. Itâs like the city folk had figured a way to camp without the mosquitos and the discomfort and glamorised it, fit for celebrities and socialites.
A volleyball court was constructed on a stretch of sand, and a wooden dock extended onto the river, canoes attached to it that anybody could borrow. Pink and yellow inflatables floated down the water, occupied by some of Kairiâs friends who were already so drunk and it was only midday.Â
Pretty lanterns hung across poles, the only lighting for this place, and even a freaking DJ booth was set up by the bonfire. It all had a modern festival vibe, and Kairi told you that this place usually booked a lot of small rock gigs over weekends. The campgrounds were public, but she had rented out an area for the day. Her friends from work were originally supposed to be planning everything, but you were also helping them now. For someone who hated parties, you sure loved planning them. It was a perfect distraction, from the stress of classes. The venue for Felixâs birthday had been naturally beautiful, but it couldnât compare to the extravagance of the city.
Youâd driven up here in the early hours of the morning, and Jeonghan had been a boon. Heâd helped you unload the crate of beers from his car, loading them into ice-cold pink coolers youâd situated every few metres across the riverbank. It was a hotter day than usual, despite the city being on the brink of imminent snowfall, so cold drinksâŠwere a must. Â
Most people had arrived at the campgrounds in the late afternoon, checking in at the front-desk before making their way towards the river. Kairi had a ton of friends, most of them from work, and you werenât the corporate type, so you maintained a little distance, choosing to be orchestrating everything behind the scenes more. Thatâs why you were at the barbecue right now, grilling meat for some hotdogs.
Jeonghan had long abandoned you. His red swim shorts are easy to spot, and the official dress code of this party was just swimwear. He was supposed to be helping you cook but he was stretched out on the riverbank, sketching instead. He must have been really inspired, and from where you stood, you could see him with his feet up in the sky, nose buried in a little sketchbook. It was sweet of him to come, and he was the only person you knew, so you were grateful that he was here.Â
A frisbee whizzed past you, and you looked up to see Kairi giggling. âShit! I almost hit you, didnât I?â She looked beautiful, and the silver chains on her swimsuit sparkled in the sun as she ran around the grass, indulged in a serious game of frisbee with her friends. You smiled back at her, âIâll forgive you, but only because itâs your birthdayâ
Ever since sheâd told you the truth of what went down between her and Chan, youâd grown fonder of her, and almost protective in a sense. She was so much stronger than you, and you could learn a little from her in terms of positivity. She had introduced you to all her friends, but they were too many names for you to remember. Sohee, Jinsoo, Eric, etc. Youâd assigned yourself to the snacks, not feeling too confident in greeting her guests.Â
âDo you want it crispy all the way through?â You called out to her, pork belly sizzling against the pan as you tossed it. This made you feel useful. It was better to not let your mind wander, instead you filled it with little responsibilities such as this.
She ran up to the grill, frisbee still in her hands, âWhy are you all the way over here?â
You gestured to the barbeque, and the plates of snacks, âSomebodyâs got to feed your guestsâ
âThey can feed themselves, Y/N. We should go in the river while the sun is still out!â She grabbed your arm, and started leading you away from the barbecue, âIâm sure Nate can take over anywayâÂ
You werenât going to argue with that. Youâd missed swimming, and being in the water, so, you let her pull you into the river. In the cold water, surrounded by nature on all sides, it almost felt like home. Kairi swam over to you, a big smile on her face, âFuck. The sun feels so goodâÂ
You drifted closer, smiling, âIâm glad youâre happy. Itâs kind of your day, you should beâÂ
âIâm really, really fucking grateful that dude spilled a drink on me and we met in that club bathroomâŠâ
You laughed, clasping your hand with hers as you swam in the water together, âWell. Iâm sure thereâs nicer ways for us to meetâ
She rolled her eyes, âNo, are you kidding? That was the best one. I needed someone like you in my lifeâ
You giggled, âSomeone like me?â
âWe havenât even know each other that long, if you think about it. Honestly, I never even thought youâd text me back, becauseâŠof himâ She paused, âBut I think you sacrifice your peace for others, andâŠI donât know anyone else like youâ
You swallowed, and you didnât want to get emotional in the middle of the river, âKairiâŠtell me you didnât bring me in the water just to make me cryâ
âActuallyâ She corrected herself, a small chuckle following, âI did know one person like youâ
You donât have to probe to know sheâs talking about Chan.
âYou remind me of him. As crazy as that soundsâ She hummed.Â
âIâm sorry things didnât work out between youâ You apologised, and you were caressing her shoulder now, rubbing it.
She wrapped her arms around your waist, and her body felt warm against yours, âYou donât have to be sorry. Iâm sorry I keep bringing him up. Itâs like second nature for me. Does the same ever happen with youâŠ?â
There canât be a better day than today for you to move on, so you forced a smile, âNo. I donât think of Hyunjin anymore. Itâs in the pastâŠâ Itâs a complete lie, but one day, youâre hoping it will come true. Kairi doesnât know everything that happened in the end and she doesnât need too. She doesnât know he gave up on you, all she knowsâŠis that you donât talk anymore.Â
Resignation settled in her gaze, âSoâŠyouâre completely okay with him?â
You nodded, âYup. Anyway, um I donât know about you but⊠Iâm starving. Should we get the hotdogs?â
Kairi blinked but didnât question your change of topic, âSure. Thatâd be perfectâ
You waded out of the water, jumping back onto the riverbank, and the air was prickly cold, but the sun was still warm in the sky. The DJ booth set up in the distance had a party playlist on repeat, and tons of people were dancing, some of Kairiâs friends, some just locals who were enjoying this area. The water droplets on your skin looked like glitter, and you ran over to the barbecue grill, dripping wet. Kairiâs friends, Sohee and Eric were indulging in a platter of pork ribs and grilled chicken, perched on a picnic table. They smiled at you as you approached them, âThe water nice?â
You nodded, hugging yourself, âMmh, you guys should get in while itâs still warm! If you guys donât mindâŠcould I please borrow a plate for Kairi?â
âOf course. Help yourselfâ Sohee smiled, black sunglasses resting on her head, and she was in a white one-piece swimsuit, âYouâreâŠKairiâs artist friend, arenât you? Weâve heard a lot about youâ
You laughed, flushing, âI hope good thingsâ
Eric laughed, âYou bet. Hey, weâre playing volleyball later, if you wanna join?â
You grabbed a plate of the sausages and bulgogi, âThat sounds cool. Iâm a terrible shot but I might join!â They laughed and you picked up some disposable cutlery, heading back to Kairi.
She was out of the water now, sunbathing on the grass and Jeonghan sat at her side.Â
âI got you some meatâ You handed her the plate, balancing it on her stomach. Her arms were stretched behind her head, and she squinted under the sun at you, âThanks, babyâ
The term of endearment brought a flush up your chest, and you sat cross-legged next to her. It was crazy how fast youâd grown fond of each other, as if you were always destined to be such good friends. As you ate off her plate, Jeonghan brought you a couple of drinks. It seemed like heâd finally abandoned his sketchbook in favour of enjoying the place around him. Jeonghan yawned loudly, âThis weather makes me want to take a napâ
âWell, I really donât mind if you doâ Kairi suggested to him.
Jeonghan laughed, âReally? I wouldnât be the lamest person at this party?âÂ
âYou won that title hours agoâ You joked. Jeonghan gasped dramatically, and lightly shoved you, âItâs rude that youâre not my self-proclaimed hype girlâ
You pushed your sunglasses up your head, staring at him and trying not to laugh, âIâm sorryâŠyour what?â
He blew a puff of air, and laid his head on your lap, âYou knowâŠIâm like always hyping you up in class. Making you laugh when youâre miserableâno offenceâ and even rescuing you from pathetic blind dates. Youâre not gonna do the same for me?â He bit into a sausage, sauce smeared across his lips.
âYouâre such a messy eaterâ You commented.
His eyes were closed and he smiled, âYou can lick it off me, if itâs bothering youâ
Kairi sat up, laughing, âWhat is going on with you two?â
You shook your head, âNothing. He flirts with me when heâs drunkâ
It was rapidly approaching nightfall, and thatâs what you hated the most about winter: shorter days, longer nights. The sun set behind the forest, settling warm rays on your skin, drying the water from your swim off.
You smiled, indulging in this moment, wishing every day could be the same. You were in a beautiful place, with new friends and this could be your blank slate. Tonight could mark what you and Kairi had talked about â a real, fresh start. For the first time in weeks, your chest didnât hurt.Â
»»ââââ-
You knew you were terrible at coordinated sports, and it became obvious to everyone else too when you missed the fifth volleyball headed your way. Eric on the other team, did a fist-bump with his teammate at your loss, and Sohee sighed, âJust catch one, Y/N!â
You threw your hands up, a giggle escaping you, âYou guys asked me to join. I told you Iâm horrible at this stuff!â There were two teams, and the one with you was⊠horribly failing. Nobody took it too seriously so it was okay, it was for fun. It was just insane to you that you were playing volleyball next to the freaking river with strangers in Seoul. If past you found out about it, sheâd absolutely freak out. You were counting every blessing, grateful to be here in the city, and you were making the most of tonight. Youâd made Jeonghan join with you, and he was on the other team. Kairi was somewhere by the bonfire, dancing, and you could her loud singing along all the way over here.
âJust try to catch this next one, okay?â Jeonghan called at you over the net.Â
You were horrible at bowling too, but Seungmin had taught you once and after that you hadnât been half as bad. All you had to do was focus, and channel all your built-up energy into shooting the ball, not get distracted by every other thing happening. Youâd seen Sohee shoot enough successful ones to try to imitate her. So, you stepped up, rooting your feet in the sand, and she was cheering you on in the background. You didnât even know her, so it was funny that she cared this much.Â
Jeonghan across the fence tossed the ball towards you. You donât know what prompted you to jump, and this time you actually hit it with all the energy you could muster, your fist making contact with the ball, and it shocked Jeonghan so much that he forgot to serve entirely. âAre you kidding me?â He cried, crawling under the net to run up to you. He pulled you into a hug, arms wrapping around your body, âI knew you had it in you! All you needed was a little bit of humiliation to get you thereâ
âI barely hit!â You giggled, hugging him back, and his torso was warm to the touch, âAnd youâre supposed to be on the other team, butâŠthanksâ
He rolled his eyes, holding you tight in his grip, âIâll gladly let you win any dayâ
He was so touchy tonight. It must be the mix of alcohol, adrenaline and being away from the stresses of the art studio. His hand lingered on your waist, drifting close to your ass but you didnât stop him. It was silly because you werenât even into sports, you didnât care about this volleyball game, but you were smiling widely, and it wasnât forced.Â
Jeonghan let go of you, steadying you on the sand, and in your happy daze, you got up on your toes and kissed him, threading your hands through his hair. It was frizzy from the wind, and you settled on the nape of his neck. He smiled into the kiss, pressing your body to his, and he was only in his little swim-shorts, and you were only in your bikini so most of your skin touched his. It was a strange feeling, to be so physically close to somebody who wasnât Hyunjin, but that would never happen again, and to curb the hurt, you kissed him deeper.
Sohee was laughing in the background, âYou guys know the game isnât over yet, right?âÂ
This kiss didnât mean anything, yet it meant everything. It meant that you could let go. Hyunjin didnât want you in his life, and one day youâd be okay with that. Right now, you had to live in this moment. You wound your arms tighter around Jeonghanâs neck, and you kissed him deeply, and he was probably surprised that you were giving in so much, because he knew this wasnât anything special. You surprised yourself too.Â
Kairi calling your name is what made you pull away from him, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She was walking over to you, and you ran up to her, across the makeshift volleyball court, âBabe! Did you see me hit that ball?â
She looked like sheâd seen a ghost though, and she reached for your hand, âY/N. I need you, pleaseâ
âWait, whatâs wrong?â You frowned, stepping out with her.
She was fumbling over her words, âHeâs here. Y/N. Heâs hereâ Her eyes were wide in despair. She looked like she was going to cry, staccato mumbling, âI donât know what to doâÂ
You grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the game, Youâd never seen her in such a state, âKairi, please calm down. Whoâs here? Whatâs going on?â
She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear spilling out, âChanâŠChan is hereâ
Fucking hell.
âHey, hey, hey. Kairi, I need you to calm down, okay?â
Your heart had dropped into your gut, but you had to be there for her. She was breathing heavy, and her eyes were filling up with tears, smudging her mascara and her silver eyeliner, âI donât know what to do. If I talk to him, Iâll end up doing something stupid, like kiss him or somethingâ
You grabbed her gently by the shoulders, so she could look only at you and not be stimulated by the rest of the party, âIâm gonna handle it, okay? Kairi. Iâll take care of it. You donât have to do anythingâ
Her eyes were wide, âWhat? You will? AreâŠare you sure?â
âOf course. Itâs Chris, I got thisâ You held her chin, fingers caressing her jaw, âToday is your day. I donât want you to stress about anythingâ
She let out a breath, a tear escaping, âThank you, Y/N. Iâm sorry, I just got really overwhelmed, I wasnât expecting to see him andâŠI donât know if he knows Iâm even hereâ
âWhat do you want me to say to him?â
âJustâŠdonât send him away. I donât want him to get hurt. But pleaseâŠfind out why heâs here. Iâm soâŠfucking confused. Why today? What does he want?â
âIâll talk to himâ You looked around, eyes landing on a concerned Jeonghan. He was still playing the game, but his focus was on the two of you, âCan you go hang out with Jeonghan till then?â
She nodded absentmindedly, seemingly so lost, âThank you...Fuck, I justâŠdonât know how to deal with this right nowâ
âJeonghan?â You called out, and it only took him a second to abandon the game and run up to you. His eyes observed Kairiâs fragile state, âWhatâs up? Is everything okay?âÂ
âCan you take her to the dock? Iâll catch you there in a bit, okay?â
He glanced at her, no questions asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, âOf course, no problemâ He smiled at you, a dazzling grin that told you heâd take care of it, âCatch you in a fewâÂ
Then he took her away, leading her towards the other side of the campgrounds. The dock was nearer to the woods, hidden between the trees and the rocks, away from Chan. Youâre sure the physical distance from the rest of the party would help Kairi calm a bit. You glanced at the volleyball game. They were all standing and waiting for you. Sohee had her hands on her hips, âYou coming back?â
âIâm gonna have to ditch the game, sorry! Win for me, okay?â You shot her a smile.
âWeâre gonna kick your ass, Y/N!â Eric yelled across. You laughed, waving them a goodbye as you walked over to the bonfire. Thatâs where Kairi said she saw him. You couldnât understand. Why would Chan be here, and how had he heard about this party? Things between them had long ended, and there was no logical reason for him to come here suddenly. You were proud of yourself for staying calm though. Kairi was what mattered tonight, and you could easily deal with her ex.
There was a dance party situation happening around the fire. Everyone had congregated near it, and the DJ had long given up on playing good songs, settling for dance club music instead. From here, you could see the bonfire. One of Kairiâs friends, Jinsoo ran up to you, âY/N, hey! Do you know where the rest of the beer is?â
You stopped to explain, youâd somehow become the unofficial host for this party and everyone must have noticed how close you and Kairi were. âUm, it should be in a pink cooler. We unloaded near the cabinsâ
âGreat, thanks!â She smiled at you, running back there. Your eyes scanned the crowd around the fire. The sand here was warm, and it felt so good between your toes. Everybody was drinking, and dancing, making it harder for you to find him. Youâd never seen Chan in person, but youâd seen so many pictures of him. Itâd be second nature to recognise him.Â
Then, you spotted a boy by the fire, gaze frantically looking around the campgrounds, and you stepped up to him, making your way through the people dancing.
He was in a black sweatshirt, and dark jeans and he stood out, surrounded by girls in bright-colored bikinis, and boys in expensive swim-shorts. There was no telling from his stature that he was someone famous, which is probably why none of the guests were giving him a second look. You wonder if any of Kairiâs friends had ever known about their relationship. You werenât nervous about this interaction, even though you should be. This was Hyunjinâs best friend. Why were you not freaking out? Maybe because youâd do anything to make sure Kairi had a good night.
âChris?â You asked, voice low. You didnât want to spook him.
At hearing his name, he turned to face you. Your heart jumped at the sight. He was beautiful in person. None of the pictures could do him justice. In the pictures, he had stage makeup and styled hair. Right now, natural curls fell into his face, and he looked so simple, like any other guy youâd pass by on the street.
âHey. Youâre Chris, right?â You spoke, and the only thing making you nervous was him looking right into your eyes, âIâm uhâŠIâm one of Kairiâs friends.â It was best to not say your name. His gaze wasâŠvery intense but you had to keep cool for her, so you smiled. A genuine, warm, smile.Â
The tension in his shoulders dissipated as understanding settled in his face, and he stepped up to you, clearing his throat, âHey. Um, I go by Chan actuallyâ
âChanâŠâ You repeated, smiling at him, fiddling with your fingers, âI wasnât really expecting you to show upâ
He sighed, hands in his pockets, âI know⊠Iâm not on the guest listâÂ
âShe didnât know youâre coming tonightâÂ
âI wasnât planning toâ He answered, taking in another breath, and his voice was shaky, âI came straight from the studio. I droveâŠthree straight hours to get here, on a whim. I know Iâm not dressed for the party, but I need to see her right nowâ
Oh, wow⊠You hope you didnât sound rude but this was in her best interest, so you said, âIâm sorryâŠI donât know how to say this⊠but sheâs not feeling great about this. How did you even know about the party?â
He was about to answer but itâs like he couldnât find the words, struggling. Had he come here just to wish her for her birthday? It was hugely romantic, but there must be more he wanted to say.  What would make him drive all the way here?
âChannie, she is not by the cabins either!â Someone yelled out.
You would recognize that voice anywhere.
Your heart stopped beating.
Within seconds, somebody came running up through the shadows of the trees. The air left your body, and you couldnât breathe.
Hyunjin.
He stepped out into the light and all of the noise around you died.Â
The waves of the river were suddenly quiet, the forest was mute, the music was silent. Only your pulse ringing in your ears.
He was here. He was here. He was here.
Immediately, his gaze landed on you, and he stopped still in his footsteps.Â
There was no hiding his surprise. There was no pretending, or feigning of emotions. His mouth parted, eyebrows shooting up, eyes wide as he saw you.Â
Vision blackening, clouding, blurring, you could only see him in the centre, and your gut started squeezing you from the inside out.Â
Dark hair tied up into a bun, half of it hanging to his shoulders, he looked like he always did. Fucking unreal. He was dressed so simply, black sweater blending into the darkness. He got prettier each time you laid eyes on him. So fucking beautiful and you hated him for it.
His eyes were on yours, thick lips parted in shock, and it was cruel how your heart leapt out of your chest, as if you hadnât been training to tame it all this while. The last time you saw him⊠flashed through your mind, memories pricking at you like a hundred thousand needles stabbing into your body. He left you, before you even had a chance. He didnât even know you loved him.
Youâd been trying so hard to move on, but here he fucking was, the one place you didnât think he could be.
But you needed to be strong, for Kairi. This was all for her, and she was your saving grace. So you looked away from him, even if it took all of your fucking willpower. Your gaze found Chan, and suddenly the noises were back. The party was raging, the river was loud, the forest full of cacophony. Chan was saying your name repeatedly, and youâd tuned out completely. So had Hyunjin it seemedâŠbecause he snapped back to reality, a click going off in his head, and turned to his friend.
Chan stepped closer to you, âYouâre Y/NâŠ?â
You nodded, no words escaping at him recognising you. Youâd been recognised. Of course you had. You and Hyunjin had been fucking staring at each like fools. It was a dead giveaway.
âI need to see her, Y/N.â
You ignored the peripheral gaze burning in the side of your face. Donât fucking look at him. You stared right at Chan, âChan, I canâtâŠâ
âThereâs something I need to say to herâŠand after that Iâll leave, I promise youâ There was desperation in his voice, one youâd felt all these months.
It was the most difficult thing to not look at Hyunjin, when he was fucking staring at you. Heâd always had your entire attention, any room he was in but right now you couldnât afford to do that. It was so hard for you to ignore him, but it had been so easy for him before. You could do that to him too.
âI donât know. SheâsâŠreally upsetâ You turned around, glancing over at the dock, then back at him, âWhy tonight? She wants to talk to you, butââ
âI know youâre just trying to do right by her. Something I should have been doing all this timeâ He closed his eyes, âI understand if youâre gonna ask me to leave, but I promise you. If she says she doesnât wanna see me, Iâll walk right out.â
You shook your head, guilt overwhelming you, âChanââ
He continued speaking over you, âBut if youâve ever been in love, orâŠor loved someone, youâd understand why this is so fucking important to meâ
You stared at him, lost for words. If youâd ever been in loveâŠ?
Hyunjinâs gaze on you was stronger than ever. It burned you. Â
He had said nothing this whole time. What was he thinking? You wanted to climb into his brain, read his mind and know what he thought of this question. Did Hyunjin have any fucking idea how much you loved him? You were so stupid crazy in love, you missed his silence too. And did Chan even understand the significance of what he was asking you? All of your emotions were cascading on top of each other, and the sane part of you was drowning in the waves. It was hard to speak, but you finally found the words, âSheâs⊠by the docks. You can find her thereâ
They were the right words because Chanâs eyes lit up instantly, a smile spreading on his face, and he was beautiful like this, a warmth and comfort emanating from him. He was prettier when happy, and it looked like he couldnât believe youâd said yes, âThank you. Shit, thank you, Y/N. Youâre an angelâ He turned to Hyunjin, âIâll be back soon, okay?â
âDo you want me to come with you?â Hyunjin asked him. His voice sent shivers down your spine.
âNo, IâŠgot thisâ Chan swallowed, and he suddenly looked nervous and doubtful of this.
Hyunjin stepped close to him, voice dropping, âItâs gonna be fine. Youâre gonna be fineâ
Chan nodded, eyes closed, âIâm justâŠfucking anxious. What if she asks me to leave?â
âChannieâ Hyunjin repeated, in a low voice, hand landing on his shoulder, âIâm right here if you need me, okay?â
He took a deep breath, and Hyunjin pulled him into a half-hug. You stood by, unsure what to do, staring at them. You were still trying to wrap your head around whatever the fuck was happening right now. In seconds, Chan took off towards the dock, where youâd told him Kairi was. You watched his retreating figure, hoping you made the right choice. He seemed genuinely apologetic, for whatever had went down between him and her.Â
His departure⊠left you and Hyunjin by the bonfire. Just by yourselves. So, you finally looked at him.
He was staring at you.Â
In the glow of the embers, Hyunjin looked almost sinister, he looked dangerous in the way that you wanted him, even now. Dark shadows cutting across his face, heâd only grown more into the version of him youâd ran into the storage closet. Taller stature, stronger arms, piercing gaze.
You suddenly felt consciousâŠbeing in this tiny swimsuit, and your arms came up around yourself to cover up somehow. It hurt too much to see him this close, after everything that had happened. Youâd been giving up your soul to forget him, and heâd just decided to show up, now? It was unfair. You had to be the bigger person here, and you were going to leave. You didnât owe him a conversation, not after heâd shown you how easy it was for him to forget all about existence.
So, you turned to walk away, but then Hyunjin spoke, âI didnât know you were going to be hereâ
At first, you almost didnât hear him, over the music, over the laughter, over the river. You stopped in your tracks, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing heâd never spoken.Â
You didnât look at him as you mumbled, âYeahâŠyou wouldnât be here if you knewâ
It came out more venomous than you wanted, and you didnât wait to see his reaction. But he asked you, âWhat are you doing here then?â
You turned to look at him, and fuck it hurt every bit of you. You hope you had a stable tone, arms crossed across your chest, because how the hell could he ask you that? âIâm⊠kind of the hostâ
His eyes widened, genuine surprise in it, âYou areâŠ?â
Well, he wouldâve known that if heâd let you be in his life. Why had he pushed you away? Why had he not even tried to keep in touch with you? Was cutting off all contact the only way he knew how?Â
âI have to goâ You mumbled, feeling hurt all over again, âThereâs drinks in the corner if you wantâ
Hyunjin began to say something, but he was stopped because somebody yelled your name, interrupting whatever he could have said. What was Hyunjin going to say?  Â
Jeonghan ran over to you, laughing, oblivious to everything around him, âYou know Soheeâs going around saying you abandoned her during the game?"
You blinked, looking up at him, âShe knew we werenât going to win anywayâ
He laughed loudly, and he was clearly tipsy by the way he talked, âWhat can I say? Youâre a very wanted woman tonight, like five people stopped to ask me where you were. Also, you do remember that youâre the only person I know at this party? You canât just leave me alone. I might actually end up missing youâ
âRight, I forgotâ You stifled a smile, âI was doing something for Kairi. Speaking of whichâŠyou left her alone?â
âIâm sorryâŠâ He sighed, âThere was this dude that wanted to talk to herâŠshe asked me to leave them. And, I did not come tonight to babysit her. Iâve only met her like one time!âÂ
You laughed, âReally? It is her birthday, Nate. What did you come here for then? â
He shook his head, smiling, âOh, being coy suits you, Y/N. Itâs sexyâ
âWhat?â You laughed. Before you could even register it, he wrapped his arms around you, picking you up in a little spin and twirl. A surprised noise escaped you, and your hands came to brace yourself against his bare chest. He was grinning at you, completely oblivious to the fact that someone was watching you. You almost forgot where you were, and who was watching, a giggle escaping you. âNateââ You mumbled, pulling away, hands on his chest. Â
âWhat?â He frowned, and only then he saw Hyunjin standing there, watching all of this take place. âOhâŠhey, manâ Jeonghan smiled at him, âWowâŠyou are way too overdressed for this party. Take your shirt off or somethingâ
Hyunjinâs gaze was on the arm around your waist. There was an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes. Youâd seen jealousy on him before and this wasnât it. This⊠was something else entirely. An emotion so intense that you felt scared of what he was holding inside.
He was frowning, furrow in his forehead, and then he glanced at you, a sudden indifference in his voice, âWhere did you say the drinks were again?â
You swallowed, âBy the cabinsâŠâ
âOh, I can show youâ Jeonghan offered, and you wish he wasnât so nice to everybody.
Hyunjinâs brows shot up at the suggestion, and you were afraid heâd say something mean, but of course Hyunjin wasnât mean, so he forced a smile, âCool. Sureâ
Jeonghan began walking away with him, and your grip on his hand was tight, you yanked him back, whispering, âWhat do you think youâre doing?â
He smiled, whispering back, âRelax. Just showing some hospitality. Also I think that guyâs famousâ
You sighed, closing your eyes, because he was impossible to argue with, âFine, butâŠget me a drink tooâ
âWill doâ He grinned, leaning in to kiss your cheek. You watched them walk away, and you could hear Jeonghan say, âIâm Nate by the way, only sheâs allowed to call me Jeonghan. Donât ask me why thoughâÂ
You couldnât pick up on what Hyunjin said in response and you itched to know, butâŠyou had to hold back. You stood still, feet rooted to the sand as Jeonghan led Hyunjin to the cabins, and the coolers that lay there, filled with beers. You couldnât watch for long, because somebody grabbed your arm, turning you around, âWhy are you by yourself?â Sohee, from the volleyball game asked, âCome on, you can dance with us!â
âIâm not in the mood, sorryâ You apologised, walking away from the fire. What would they talk about? You hope Jeonghan didnât bring up how miserable and depressed youâd been this whole time. Would Hyunjin talk about youto him? Would he ask him what you and Jeonghan were? Did heâŠeven care?
Sohee laughed, âWhat? Shut up. Youâre dancing with us. You already ditched us in the gameâ
âI think Iâm just gonna go get a drinkâ You tried to decline, as politely as you could, without being a spoilsport or a downer. She stopped you, hand on your wrist, âWhatâs wrong?â
âI justâŠdonât wanna dance. Iâm sorryâ You gently pulled your arm out of her grip, walking nearer to the river. You could already feel it. All of the progress youâd made all these months was reversing. You were going back in time against your will. What had all this happiness been for, if it was just going to be ripped from you in an instant? How could you ever fucking say you moved on when seeing him for a second changed your mind?Â
You thought you were stronger than this, but you were so fucking weak, falling back into an emotion you didnât need. Self-loathing and sadness and wishing you were enough for him was staring you in the eyes, and you thought youâd left it all behind. This wasnât how tonight was supposed to go. YouâŠhad plans, to feel better, to move the fuck on. Kairi and Chan were nowhere to be seen, and it was past midnight already. She hadnât even cut the birthday cake yet. Youâd made Jeonghan drive you all the way to that special bakery for nothing. Why would Chan show up uninvited on such a special night? Why the fuck would he bring Hyunjin with him?
You ran your hands over your face. Every breath was harder to catch, and you felt like youâd pass out if you stayed standing. A tear slipped into your mouth, and you tasted the glitter mascara that Kairi had put on you. Kairi. You were going to find herâŠand youâd make sure she still had a good night, regardless of her ex gatecrashing the fucking party. Chan was a lovely person, youâre sure he was, but this was not the time. If he wanted to come so bad, he shouldâve just come alone and not brought Hyunjin.
You looked back towards the fire, where Sohee was twirling around with the others, laughing loudly, so drunk and so happy. Jeonghan was back there too, he stood watching the girls dance, but Hyunjin wasnât with him.
Did he leave? Where was he?
Your eyes scanned the crowd so fast, trying to place him amongst the crowd.Â
âI thought you hate beerâ
You jumped, startled by the sound.Â
Hyunjin stood behind you, holding a beer bottle in his hand, extended out to you. How had you missed him walking over to you?
âWhat?âÂ
He seemed confused, hand outstretched, âYouâŠhated beer, right?â
âWhat are you doing?â
He shrugged, nonchalant, âYou asked Nate to bring you a drink. HeâŠwanted to dance instead, he asked me to bring it to youâ
You laughed, bitterly, âAnd what, you work for him now?âÂ
Why the fuck would he willingly approach you? After forcing you to get out of his life? Pretending like everything was normal? Acting like he hadnât devastated you entirely, and broken you down. He didnât even apologise for the way heâd kissed you and pushed you away. He still didnât fucking realise what he meant to you, and he never would.
Hyunjinâs tongue poked his cheek, and he said, âNo. I was trying to be away from the crowdâ
You released a breath, âWell, congratulations, now you are. Iâm gonna goâ
âWaitââ He called out.
You stopped, âWhat, Hyunjin?â
He swallowed, âArenât you gonna take your drink?â
You should walk away from this conversation right fucking now, but you felt angry. Did he know youâd been suffering so much because of him? Did he know youâd given up on love and resigned yourself to a miserable fucking existence, because of him? How could he act so normal?Â
âYou know what?â You forced a smile, âYou can have it. Youâve already ruined tonight for Kairi. You might as well for me tooâ
âExcuse me?â His features contorted into a frown, as if he couldnât believe you were bringing it up, âIt wasnât my idea to show up hereâ
âSo whatâŠyou came as moral support or something?â
âChan needed meâ He stated, with finality.
âWellâ You laughed, âYouâre a great friend then. Are you even allowed to be at this party? Isnât that gonna be a problem for you?â
His lips were in a thin line, âYouâre angryâ
âNoâ You laughed, so bitter, so petty, âJust concerned. Actually I am gonna take that drinkâ You grabbed it out of his hands, pulling with more force than needed, making sure none of your fingers touched any of his. Hyunjinâs eyes narrowed, and he would hate you now if he didnât already, but that was fine. He didnât want you anyway.
Jeonghanâs yell interrupted you two, âY/N! Come on. Itâs your favourite song!â
You turned back to them, realising that indeed a song youâd liked in a club once was playing. It wasnât your favourite song, far from it, but you wanted to be away from Hyunjin. You were losing yourself so near him.
So you glanced at Hyunjin, lifted the beer bottle to your lips, and drops of alcohol dripped down your neck and chest, into your bikini top, messily, âThanks for the drinkâ
Jeonghan basically pulled you into the circle, as the chorus came on. You let him. You chugged the rest of the beer, because there was no way you were doing this sober anymore. Jeonghan was fucking tipsy, so he spun you around, and if it wasnât for his arm around you, youâd fall over into the sand. Somebody handed you a shot of tequila, and you drank that too. The music was loud enough so you couldnât think, EDM beats playing over and over, making your heart vibrate against your ribs. You wanted to laugh, because everything was so horrible. Sohee was a good hype girl, cheering on for you, grinding her hips against a taller boy, and everyone was lost in the music.
As the song picked up tempo, your hands met Jeonghanâs and he helped you move with an exhilarating speed and you couldnât even breathe, head spinning. He wasnât a great dancer, but he was holding you tight, moving your body against his, and it was good to feel desired, âYou look so fucking sexyâ Jeonghan mumbled into your ear, âYou should wear pink more oftenâ
You rolled your eyes, âItâs redâŠNateâ
âHuh. Maybe I should get a closer look at it thenâ
âWhat?â You laughed as he suddenly leaned in, kissing your neck, and collarbones. His other hand dropped to your ass, squeezing it tightly. You couldnât find it in you to feel shy because nobody was looking at you anyway. Everybody was too busy dancing, or too drunk. Hyunjin had probably realised his mistake and long left. You hope heâd fucking left. You didnât want to see him again tonight. In the centre of the circle, Jeonghan was bent over you, pressing kisses to your body. Your arms rest on his biceps, as he kissed your neck, âYouâre so beautiful when you laugh. I wish you were happier like this more oftenâ
Oh, the irony. If only he knew youâd never been this sad in your life before. Knowing Hyunjin was here, so close yet so far. He was here, but he wasnât here with you. What was the pointâŠof anything? Weeks and months of moving on. Everything was useless. Hyunjin had to be there, everytime, haunting you like a demon, following in your shadows for the rest of your life.Â
âY/NâŠâ Jeonghan asked, head buried in your neck, realising you were standing still, deadweight, âWhatâs wrong?â
Youâd gone on a date, you had a friend you casually made out with, you were in the best art studio in your country. You were so unhappy. What was the point?
It was like there a string on his chest, tying him to you, bringing you together even when you couldnât be. Even when he didnât want to be.
âNothingâ You swallowed, tears shooting up to your eyes, âCan you just kiss me and not ask me anything?â
He frowned, and it was hard to hear him over the loud music, âNoâŠY/N. Tell me if youâre okay. Do you want some air? Water?â
âI just want you to kiss me and not ask whyâ
So, almost reluctantly, he did. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to yours and you hoped itâd distract you. You wanted to get lost in it, and you brought your palms up to his face, to his hair, running through it. Youâd never kissed him for so long, or with so much emotion. It had always been so casual, for fun, no strings, nothing.Â
For just a second, you opened your eyes. You wish you hadnât.
Over Jeonghanâs shoulder, there was a direct line of sight to Hyunjin.
He was still standing by the river, staring out into the darkness, one hand shoved in his pocket, the other lifting a beer bottle to his lips. He was still here. Right where youâd left him.
Why wouldnât he leave? There was a path straight to him, people parted like the red sea, the taut string of fate between you working harder than ever.
You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on kissing the boy who actually cared for you, but when your eyes flickered open again, Hyunjin was watching you.
It should have been obvious, but you were still surprisedâŠto see him stare. Your heart hurt so much you thought youâd collapse. He didnât want you in his life anymore. Heâd made it plenty clear.Â
Then why did he look so fucking sad watching you kiss another man?
The party was raging, you were dying. Each press to Jeonghanâs lips made you sick. He kept spinning you around, and you were getting dizzy. Every few seconds, your eyes would fall on Hyunjin. Everything but him was blurred. Your insides hurt, and he was looking at you and you were looking at him but you were dancing with another man. Was this how it felt like to be dying? Jeonghan was giggling about something, and he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You didnât hear it, because Hyunjin had turned away from you now, like all of this was beneath him. As if being here was the greatest inconvenience of his life. Â
He was walking away. Heâd probably had enough of your dancing.Â
Heâd had enough of you.
âY/NâŠhello?â Jeonghan snapped a finger in front of your face.
âIâm going to be sickâ You mumbled.
His eyes widened, âWhat? Did you drink too much?â
âNo. I justâŠI need some airâ You stepped back from him.Â
âShould I come with you?â
âIâm fineâ You shook your head, looking around, âYou should dance with SoheeâŠtill Iâm back. â
Before he could protest or respond, you walked away, towards the river. Kairi was nowhere to be found, at her own birthday party. It was all his fault. You had to go find her. What if she had a fight with Chan and needed you?
The alcohol had gotten to your head. You shouldnât have chugged that beer, and that tequila and that last shot of vodka. Slowly, but steadily you made your way towards the dock. Her birthday cake was rotting in the car. Was it so hard to ask for just one good night?
He had to ruin that too, just like heâd ruined the idea of love for you. You could never love anybody, ever again, not in this same way.Â
You walked until you caught up to him. Thankfully, there was nobody else here. Everybody was either in the cabins, or dancing. Hyunjin was pacing back and forth, on his fucking phone as if he was too good for this place. The question left your mouth before you could rethink it, âWhat does Chan want?â
He looked up at you, eyes drifting over your figure briefly, voice small, âWhat?âÂ
âItâs been an hour. Sheâs not back yetâ You stated, as if it was obvious, âIn case you didnât know, she turned twenty-four today, and this entire party is for her. So why is he here, Hyunjin?â You stepped closer to him.
He clicked his phone off, the number he never shared with you, and put it in his pocket, âUm⊠I donât know if itâs my discretion to tell youâ
You stared at him. You were so past begging to be included in his life. You nodded, a scoff escaping, âYeah, sorry I asked. I donât know what I was thinkingâ
Turning towards the dock, you only made it about five steps away from Hyunjin when he called out, âWaitâI didnât mean it like thatâ
You turned to face him, and there was fire in your eyes, there was fire in your veins, âThen what did you mean, Hyunjin?â
Something flashed through his eyes when you said his name, like he also couldnât believe he was talking to you. âUm. Do you⊠remember what I told you at the ChĂąteau?â He asked. The familiarity of those memories flooded through you, like a tsunami. You remembered every single word, you remember each breath he took, each touch. You remember every ridge and curve in his hand, as he held yours. You remembered how many times he pressed his lips to yours, and how loud heâd moaned when you touched him.
âI donât know what youâre talking aboutâÂ
Hyunjin tilt his head, âAbout⊠how theyâve been together for two years now? About how Chan had planned to ask Kairi to marry himâŠon her birthday?â
Your eyes narrowed as the realisation sank into you, âYouâre kidding me. Is that what heâs doing right now? Heâs literally going to ruin herââ
Hyunjin stepped forward, âNo, heâs not doing that! But he just needed to talk to her about it. Heâs just here to make things right with herâ He explained, emphasising each word.
âWhy?â
Hyunjin seemed confused, âWhy, what?â
âWhy now? He couldnât have picked another day?â You sounded so harsh, but you didnât care. Yeah, maybe you were pissed that Chan was willing to go to all this fucking effort for the girl he loved. But nobody would ever make any effort for you. You were pissed that Kairi was the one good thing you had left, but now Hyunjinâs life was ripping her away from you too.
He didnât seem fazed though, and he seemed just as confused as you, âI donât know, Y/N! I tried to talk him out of it. That it wasnât a good ideaâ
You scoffed, crossing your arms, âWell you clearly didnât do a good job, because heâs here right now anywayâ
âWhat do you want me to do? I tried my best!â
âWell, you should have tried harder, Hyunjin!â
He let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face, âWhy are you fighting me?â
You took a step back, âRight. I forgot Iâm not allowed to be near youâ
His eyes narrowed, âExcuse me?â
âNever mind. Iâm going to go see if sheâs okay or if she needs meâ
He frowned, stepping in front of you, âYou canât just interrupt them. What if theyâre having a moment?â
You squeezed your eyes shut. This was a fucking disaster, âHe better not be proposingâ
Hyunjinâs voice dropped, âWhy? Wouldnât you be happy for them?â
âDonât put words in my mouth, Hyunjin. I would be happy. Obviously Iâd be fucking happy. But Kairi loves him too much. She told me everything that happened. She would just get hurt again when he chooses the company over her.â
Hyunjin was quiet, eyes flickering over yours, voice dropping, âIs⊠that what you think I did?â
Your voice had lost its energy too, and you stared at him, âIâm not talking aboutââ
âBecause thatâs not what I did, Y/Nâ
You looked up at him, but you were shaking, âThis is about her, not meâ
He didnât say anything. For a few seconds, you were both just staring at each other.
He sighed and chose to speak first, âChan would never hurt her. Their decision to break up was mutualâ
Unlike how things happened with you. âYeah. I understandâ
âItâs not just you. Iâm worried about Chan tooâ He ran a hand through his hair. This was not the time to create a scene in public, so you curbed your anger, shoving it deep inside. He cared about Chan, and you cared about Kairi. Thatâs the only reason you were still here, and still talking to him. It was the only fucking reason youâd talk to him tonight.Â
âI canât believe itâs her birthday and sheâs not even hereâ You mumbled, âAll of this was for nothing then. I hope sheâs not upset or crying somewhere in a cornerâ
For the first time this night, Hyunijn looked a tad guilty, brows furrowing, âDo you want to go check on themâŠ?â
You hugged yourself tighter, the wind was picking up quickly, âI thought you just said we canât interrupt themâ
âWe wonâtâ
Your eyebrows shot up.
âIsnât there another place we can see the docks fromâŠwithout interrupting them? To see how theyâre doingâŠâ
You ran a mental image of the campgrounds in your head, âYeah, there isâŠâ
And so, Hyunjin followed you.Â
There was a clearing in the forest, a thick cover of trees that looked right out onto the docks. Youâd seen it back when you came to scope out of the place with Kairi. You were taking him there. You focused on the sound of your footsteps, and on the party you were leaving behind.Â
âSoâŠwhat changed? Why did he pick today?â You surprised yourself by speaking first.Â
Hyunjin seemed surprised too, and he glanced at you, âUmâŠI donât really know. We were working on a few songs last nightâŠand itâs like Chan had some great epiphanyâ
âOhâ
There were people swimming in the Han river, some of them were skinny dipping too, and Hyunjin averted his eyes as you passed them. It was so strange to be here, and talk to him, like everything was okay. His tall frame so close to you again, and he took longer strides than you but right now he was slowing down to keep up. You made sure there was enough distance between the two of you so your arms wouldnât accidently brush. It was funny. Months ago, you used to pray for this to happen, to be alone with him, to have a reason to talk to him, and to accidently touch him.Â
You tried to look for Chan and Kairi against the landscape, but they were too far so all you had was to settle for Hyunjinâs momentary glances on you. âYouâre good at theseâ He suddenly said.
âSorry?â You looked at him.
He looked around, making a noncommittal gesture, âBirthday parties. You planned everything, right?â
âI guess. It wasnât all meâÂ
âYouâŠalways outdo yourselfâ
You looked up at him, from the corner of your eye, âI had help. I didnât organise it on my ownâ
âI knowâŠbut Iâve seen how passionate you are about these things. The foodâŠthe musicâŠitâs all very youâ
You swallowed, wondering why he was deciding to be civil all of a sudden, or maybe heâd been civil all along and you were the one creating a fucking scene, âThank youâŠâ
âIt reminds me of the beach party, for Felixâs birthday. That oneâŠwas so good tooâ
âWell, at least if things donât work out with my art, maybe I can become a party plannerâ You mumbled.
Hyunjin laughed. He actually laughed. It was between a giggle and a chuckle and you looked up at him in surprise. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, âIâm sorry. I didnât mean to agree with you. Things will obviously work out. Youâre a great artistâ
You couldnât handle seeing him like this. Eyes crinkled, a real smile. Was he not miserable without you? You looked back at your feet, arms crossed over your chest, âYupâ
âSoâŠis he your boyfriend?â
You looked up, âSorry?â
Hyunjin seemed nonchalant as he asked, âNate. The boy you were dancing withâ His eyebrows were knitted together, as if he actually even cared if that was your boyfriend or not.Â
âWeâre hereâ You told him, choosing not to answer, pointing to a clearing in the trees, âYou can see the dock right through thereâ
Hyunjin stepped ahead, forest leaves crunching under his feet as he did so. There was a pile of rocks and big boulders overlooking the river. Your view was being blocked by them, and you couldnât see anything from here.Â
âIâm just gonna climb up and check if we can see anything from thereâ He told you, and before you could tell him it was a bad idea, Hyunjin jumped up, easily climbing onto a boulder. It looked so easy for him.
You stood at the bottom, trying to warm yourself. You should have brought a coverup because the wind here was so strong, and you were half-naked. From where Hyunjin stood, he must have a clear view of the entire campground, a good vantage pointâŠfor spying on people, like you were now. He could see over the bushes, and you couldnât, so you asked him, âCan you see them?â
Hyunjin responded, eyes in the distant, âYeah I canâ
âAndâŠ? Does she look upset? Are they fighting?â
Hyunjin was silent. You couldnât see anything from down here, and you were frustrated. âHyunjinâŠ?â You whisper-yelled.
âCome up. You can see for yourselfâ He suggested, very unhelpful.
âIâm not wearing shoes. I canât climb up rocksâ
âIâll help youâ He said, turning to face you.
You looked up at him, and his hand was extended out to you. Did you really want his help? But you wanted to see for yourself. You didnât trust him in the moment. So, you gave in, âOkayâ
You grabbed his hand, only for the support, but a bolt of lightning travelled through you, through your entire body. You felt on fire, hair on the back of your neck standing up. Your heart skipped beats, and all you were doing was touching Hyunjinâs hand. It was so warm. His palm was baby-soft, like heâd been taking good care of himself, of his skin.
You tried not to let the shivers affect you. He bent down and mumbled, âKeep your foot here, and Iâll help with the rest okay?â
You climbed up onto a ledge, with sharp rocks jutting out, âIf you drop meâŠâ
âI wonâtâ
âHere goes nothingâ You mumbled, keeping your foot on the ledge for balance, hoping you didnât fall and embarrass yourself. Hyunjin pulled you up, tugging at your arm. You stood head-on, face inches from his. On this tiny boulder, there was barely any space for the two of you. Hyunjin clearly hadnât calculated for that when he asked you to join him. Because now, you were pressed to each other, and his hand was on your bare waist, gripping you tightly so you wonât fall. Fuck, youâd really put yourself in this situation willingly.
âShit. Iâm so sorryâ He realised, leaving his hold on you once youâd found your balance.
You were breathing heavy. Your eyes searched his, and his gaze was so familiar. Half-lidded eyes, dark hair falling into his forehead, lips pink...and plush up close. He was so beautiful, and his body was warm.Â
His eyes fell to your body, noting the goosebumps on your chest, âYouâre shiveringâ
âIâm fineâ
âTake my sweaterâ
âHyunjinâŠâ
He didnât let you finish and took off his dark woolen sweater. Inside, he was in a simple long-sleeved t-shirt that hugged him tightly. It was almost too small on him, and you could see the shape of his body through it. He handed you the warm sweater, and it was soft to the touch. You slipped it on over your bikini, and it smelled like him too.
He nodded, jutting his head towards the dock, âUm. There they areâÂ
You turned, trying to balance on the little space you had to stand, peering through the trees.
âCan you see them?â Hyunjin asked, maintaining a sliver of distance between you, as he tried to look over your shoulder. You could see them. Kairi and Chan sat at the edge of the dock, legs hanging off into the water. They werenât touching, but they were sitting close together. They were talking about something, passionately, because you could hear hints of their voices all the way here.
âWhatâŠare they doing? Theyâre justâŠtalkingâ
âYeahâ Hyunjin said, a puff of cold air leaving his mouth, âI guess they had a lot to catch up onâ
Your heart clenched. You knew how much she loved him. âShe missed him a lotâŠâ You admitted.
Hyunjin glanced at you, and then back at them, âYeah? He did tooâŠheâs been in a lot of talks with the companyâ
âAbout what?â
His expression changed at your curiosity, âItâs not important, Y/Nâ
You frowned, even more curious now, âTell me, Hyunjinâ
He sighed, âIt was⊠just about ensuring her security, in case they got back together, and even if they didnât. Tracking down and suing the people that sent her the threatsâ
A flicker of hope lit up in you, for them, âWasnât that the only reason they werenât together? Because of Kairiâs safety?â
Hyunjin looked at you, empty, downcast eyes, âNo, when I came back to the city, theyâd been having a lot ofâŠarguments, and fights. I would hear Chan on the phone with her till the morning hours, justâŠarguing, about anything and everything. They werenât even angry at each other, they were just frustrated becauseâŠhe could barely give her time. It sucked, kind of felt like Iâm a kid listening to my parents fall apart, you know? Watching their relationship fail right in front of me. The nights they stayed up arguing, Chan would show up to practice the next morning unmotivated and unfocused. It was affecting his work a lot. He was barely able to be creativeâ
You watched the side of his face, as he told you the tale of how this line of work had pulled Chan and Kairi apart. âSoâŠwhatâs going to change now? Wonât they just go back to fighting?â
Hyunjin shrugged, âI donât know. Things will never change. But Iâm not gonna be the one to take away his hopeâ
âYou really think thatâŠ?â
He looked at you, gaze piercing yours, âWhat?â
âThat things are always going to be bad, that they wonât get better?â
âI donât think that. I know itâ
Your heart dropped, offended at the negativity he possessed, âWould it kill you to be a little more positive?â
He swallowed, looking right at you, âMe being positive is not gonna bring them back togetherâ
Now heâd given up on his own best friendâs relationship too, what chance did you stand? You glanced back at Kairi and Chan, breath hitching in your throat at the sight. His hand was on her face now, caressing her, and he had inched closer. They lookedâŠethereal against the river and the moon.
âIt just mightâ You mumbled. Chan was whispering something to her now, nose brushing against hers. It was so intimate, you suddenly felt like a voyeur.
Hyunjin inhaled, realising it at the same time as you, âWeâŠshouldnât watch thisâ
âWe⊠shouldnât have watched any of itâÂ
You turned, and Hyunjin had already jumped back onto the sandy terrain, and you wished you were as athletic as him. He made it look so easy. He was holding his hands out to you, âI got youâ
You stared at him, and the way his hands were ready to catch you. He was wearing the same jewellery he always did, the same rings as the night he kissed you for the first time, and told you that you shouldnât be worried because he wasnât going anywhere. That all felt far too fabricated a lie now. Were any of those things he said true?
âI can get down on my ownâ You said, rejecting his offer to hold you, to touch you again.
âAre you sure?â He frowned, hands dropping to his side.
âYupâ You werenât going to ask him for help again, so carefully, you stepped down, one foot on the ledge, trying to balance your weight out.
Hyunjin was watching carefully, and maybe it was good, because you fucking slipped. Bare feet and rock climbing was not a good mix. One second, the rock was firm underneath you, the other it was gone. A yelp escaped you, but in half a second Hyunjin had stepped forward, catching you in his grip. He had you pressed you to the rocks, grip strong around your body, âFuck. Are you okay?â
You couldnât even find it in you to be embarrassed, staring up at him. There was no space between your bodies, and the moonlight fell right on him and his stupidly perfect face. You tried to catch your breath, but he was crushing you to the rocks. You couldnât even breathe. Your hair fell in front of your face, and Hyunjinâs gaze flickered over it, as if he was itching to fix it. His hands dug into the fabric of the knit sweater, fingers poking in the holes, and his other handâŠlay dangerously close to your ass, resting just at the end of your bikini.
So you still could feel like this again, like you would explode from human touch. You hadnât felt this alive in the longest time, each nerve ending firing at full capacity. This is what attraction felt like, not what you had with your date in the bar, not what you felt when you kissed your friend. Your eyes searched his, for any remorse or guilt for what heâd done to you. You found none.Â
"Please let go of meâ
âWhat?â
âLet go of me, Hyunjinâ
He dropped his hands from you immediately, hurt flashing through his eyes, and a part of you was happy he could still display that emotion. Heâd been fauxing his emotions the entire night so well, heâd pushed them all aside, and you hated that. Why couldnât he admit he missed you? He stepped back, apologetic, âIâm sorry. I justâŠwanted to make sure you were okayâ
âIâm fineâ You side-stepped him, walking back to the campgrounds through the trees. Hyunjin was quiet, and he followed you, a few steps behind. You knew because you could hear his breaths, and his footsteps against the crunching leaves.
After some minutes, he spoke, âY/NâŠâ
âI donât want to talk to youâ You were walking away from him, as fast as you could, hoping to put some distance between you.
âY/NâŠyouâre bleedingâ
You stopped, âWhat?â
He stood a few steps behind, watching you, âYour leg. I think youâŠyou cut yourself on the rock. TheâŠbranchesâ
You had far too much pride in the moment to even check if he was right. âIt doesnât matter. It doesnât hurtâ You mumbled, and began walking back towards the party again.
âIt could get infectedâ
âCan you just stop talking, please? I can take care of myselfâ
âIâm sure you can. Iâm just worried about youâ
âWhy are you even here?â You turned, walking back to him so you could be closer. Each step against the grass did hurt now. You must have cut yourself really bad, because the dirt was burning your wound, but you werenât going to show your weakness, not right now. You were so far from the rest of the party, otherwise anybody would have been able to hear you arguing. You were thankful everybody else was distracted and having an actual good time, unlike you.
He frowned, âWhat do you mean?â
âI mean, why the fuck are you here? I didnât invite you to this party. I want you to leaveâ
His eyes narrowed, âIâm not leaving Chan aloneâ
You let out a frustrated sigh, âHeâs with Kairi, and they seem to be doing great without you!â
âYouâre hurtâŠâ He spoke, calm as fucking ever. Why couldnât he just express himself, like he used to? Why was he wearing a shield?Â
âAs if that matters to you. The damage is done. I knew it wasnât a good ideaâ You were talking about the cut on your leg, but of course you fucking werenât.
He squeezed his eyes shut, âJust please let me take a look at it. I donât want you to get hurtâ
âItâs too late for that, Hyunjinâ
He reached out, grabbing your arm with more force than you expected, to pull you closer, âY/N. Stop fighting me. Iâm not letting you go without making sure youâre all rightâ
The authority in his voice shocked you. Youâd never heard Hyunjin so determined before, so aggressive. His eyes were narrowed, and his grip on your arm was strong but not tight enough to hurt you. You swallowed, wanting to suddenly cry because you were in so much pain and he was the reason for it all, âFineâ
His grip relaxed on you, and he let out a breath as if it was hurting him too. He looked around, eyes landing on the glass house hidden between the trees, âCan you walk till there?â
âYeahâ
You only felt a little shameful, walking over to the cabin, and you hope nobody was fucking in there or anything. Hyunjin pushed open the door, stepping inside, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.
âEverythingâs emptyâ He mumbled, a frustrated look in his eyes.
You leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, âYeah. Itâs a vacation rental, so thereâs not gonna be any personal belongings. Maybe you could check in the bedroomâ
He sighed, walking through the open doorway into the bedroom. The house was soâŠmodern, and fancy, with large glass windows that faced the river. You could imagine how nice itâd be to spend the night here. There was an open four-claw white bathtub, and clearly this room was designed for sex. Why else would there be a tub in here? Hyunjin seemed impatient as he opened every cupboard, pulling open the drawers with gold knobs.
âFound anything?âÂ
He shook his head, âNoâŠjust condomsâ
âOhâŠâ
âAnd a bottle ofâŠlubeâ He chuckled, turning to look at you, arms crossed as he leaned against the dresser, âYeah. nice planning. Thereâs no first aid kits, anywhere?â
âI donât knowâ You sighed, âI wasnât exactly planning on climbing up rocksâ
Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, âRight. Can you sit down?â
The bedsheets were nicely made, you didnât want to ruin it but you were in pain now. You sat at the edge of it, hands in your lap. You had on Hyunjinâs sweater on top, but under thatâŠyou were still just in your bikini, legs bare. He knelt down on the floor, lifting your leg up in his hands. A wave of deja vu overwhelmed you. This position⊠reminded you of Felixâs birthday party. Almost the exact same thing had happened, when San had broken a beer bottle and Hyunjin had been worried about you. You stayed quiet, letting him probe around. The cut was near your Achilles heel, which explained why it hurt so much. Tenderly, he touched the skin around it, âDoes this hurt?â
You nodded, biting your lip, âYeah. It hurts.â
He sighed, looking up at you, intense gaze, âItâsâŠnot that deep a cut, butâŠyou shouldnât go in the river or anything. It could get infectedâ
âSo Iâll be fine? Weâre done here?â
He let go of your leg so you could put it down, âYeahâ
Clearing his throat, he got up to walk to the door.
You stared after him, âYouâre leaving?â
âThereâs a store a few miles from here. Iâll get you a bandaidâ
âWhat? Youâre gonna drive all the way for that. Thatâs stupid. ItâsâŠan hour awayâ
âThen itâs a good thing Iâm not asking for your permission, is it?â He mumbled, pushing the door to walk back outside the house.
âHyunjinâ You groaned, getting up to follow him, âWait! What are you doing?â
He threw his hands up, voice high, âI donât know. What the hell do you want me to do?â
As if this was your fault, âWell, maybe donât come to a party youâre not invited to. That would be a great startâ
His voice shot up higher, âIâm sorry I fucked up, okay? I came here for Chan. I had no fucking idea youâd be here! I didnât even know you knew Kairi, so how could I have guessed youâd be at her birthday party, Y/N?â
You swallowed, knowing he was right, frustrated tears rising up, âSo you wouldnât have comeâŠif you knew I was here? I was right?â
He sighed, each word said so powerfully it cut through you, âYes. It would have changed everything! I obviously would have preferred to stay home rather than watch you make out with your new boyfriend right in front of me!â
Your eyes widened, and it seemed like he instantly regret what he said.
He squeezed his eyes shut, âIâm sorry. I didnâtâŠmean to yellâ
Hurried footsteps distracted you, and you turned to see Kairi walking up to you, confused gaze, âHey. Why are you all the way here?â
âKairi. Are you okay?â You asked, immediately embracing her, âI was looking for you earlierâ
She nodded, âI am. I am. I just I got to talking with Chan, and we didnât realise how much time had passed. Iâm so sorry, oh my god. Does everybody hate me for abandoning my own party?â
You shook your head, pulling back to look at her, and you were happy to see that there were no tears, âNo, no, theyâre all having a good time. That doesnât matter anyway, are you okay right now? Do you feelâŠokay?â
She nodded, âI am. Chan and meâŠwe talked about a lot of shit. Iâll tell you everythingâ
âWhere is he?â Hyunjin asked.
Kairiâs eyes widened at him, âHwang fucking Hyunjin! What did I do to deserve the honor of you showing up to my party?â
He smiled at her, and itâs like his mood had changed instantly around her, âHappy birthday, Kairiâ
She jumped into his arms, tackling him in a hug, âI missed you dumbassâ He hugged her back, warmly, burying his head in her shoulder, âI missed you too, Kairiâ
She pushed his hair out of his face, hands resting on his cheekbones, âYou look fucking hot, Jinnie. Itâs been a whileâ
His eyes sparkled at her, cheeks flushing, âI hope youâve been taking care of yourself tooâ
Why couldnât you be the one to get a reunion so warm? It was your fault for being bitter anyway, and for trying to start a fight with Hyunjin. You donât even know what you were trying to do.
âI see you two have been reunitedâ Chan laughed, walking over to you. He glanced at you, a sheepish smile on his face, âIâm sorry about earlier, Y/NâŠâ
âItâs okayâŠâ You told him, âI get it. You really needed to see herâ
He nodded, looking around the grounds, âSo did I completely ruin the party?â
âNoâ Kairi shook her head, âI think most of them are too drunk to even notice Iâm gone. AlthoughâŠY/N might be a little sadâ She pouted at you, âYou planned everything. Iâm sorry it didnât go accordinglyâ
You felt conscious, feeling all their eyes on you, âNo, I only did it for you. If youâre happyâŠthatâs enough for meâ
Chan nodded, glancing at his wristwatch, âFuck. Itâs getting really late. We have a flight in the morning. Should we drop you guys home?â
They had a flight? To where? You shook your head to answer him, âNo, thatâs okay. IâmâŠgoing with Jeonghanâ
Kairi giggled at his mention, âYour boy was passed the fuck out a few minutes ago. I think he drank too much. Eric said theyâre gonna drive back in the morning, when theyâre all sobered up. Do you wanna wait till then?â
It was almost three am, and you donât think you could wait till dawn, âOhâŠno Iâll just take a taxi home. I have class at elevenâ
âA taxi from here to the city? Of course not. Thatâs not safeâ She frowned. You forced a smile at Kairi, âUm. Iâll just take it in the morning thenâ
âThatâs a terrible ideaâ Hyunjin mumbled.
âJust come with us?â Chan offered, and his voice was so sweet it was hard to say no, but theyâd all known each other for years, and youâd feel too awkward riding with them, âIâm justâŠgonna go check with Nate, if thatâs coolâÂ
Chan nodded, casually, âAh. Weâll be in the parking lot. Look for the black carâ
You nodded, âGot it. Thanks Chanâ
You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already looking at you, arms crossed in front of his chest. He averted his gaze as soon as you caught him.Â
Back at the bonfire, Jeonghan was sitting in a beach chair, talking to a group of strangers. They must be locals who had rented some cabins. His face lit up when he saw you walk to him, âWhereâd you get that sweater? Is there a mall here I donât know about?â
âItâs just my friendsâ You told him, not in the mood to joke, bending down to be level at him, âKairi said you passed out. Are you okay?â
He nodded, smiling, âIâm fine, Y/N. I just found out that these people went to the same high school as me, in LA. Isnât that crazy?â
You glanced over, at some locals who were sat in a circle. The set-up seemed cozy, there was cider and hotdogs that lay between them, âOh wow. Itâs a small worldâ You told him, âUm, I came here to askâŠKairi was headed home, and she asked if I wanna come with. But I said Iâll stay with you, make sure youâre okay and everythingâ
Jeonghanâs lips tugged up into a smile, âY/N. Iâm more than okay. You seem tired, on the other hand. Maybe you should let Kairi take you home? I think Iâll chat here with them for an hour or soâ
You nodded, biting your lip, âAre you sure? I donât want to leave you here aloneâ
He rolled his eyes, âAre you trying to make me fall in love with you?â
You swallowed, âIâm just being a good friend, Nateâ
He leaned ahead, pinching your cheek, âI know and so am I. Please, just get some sleep. You seem exhaustedâ
You sighed, dread filling you. This meant youâd have to ride with Hyunjin. âAll right. IâllâŠsee you in class on Monday then?â
You got up, to leave but he tugged at your arm, voice dropping, âThe boy from earlier. Was thatâŠthe guy we saw in the elevatorâŠat Pegasus?â
You looked around, but nobody was listening, so you nodded, âYeah. That was himâ
Understanding settled in his features, âHe wasâŠlooking at you the entire time he was here. When we were dancingâŠdrinking. He...didnât look away from you for a secondâ
âYou saw that?â
âMmh. Is thatâŠthe same guy you wanted toâŠEternal Sunshine out of your mind?â
You smiled, the movie reference catching you off guard, âYeah, but um, donât tell anyone, pleaseâ
He grinned, imitating a zip over his mouth, âMy lips are sealedâ
»»ââââ-
There was a black car in the parking lot. You found your shoes, and your jeans, abandoned by the check-in area at the campground, slipped them on and walked over to the car. The three of them stood there, and the trunk was open. Chan sat in the back, leg pulled up, sipping beer and Kairi was snuggled up to him. It was chilly out here. HyunjinâŠstood across them, hands on his waist and they were laughing about something. He seemed so carefree when you werenât there. His eyes were crinkled, and his laughter echoed in the open night.Â
His sweater on you was warm, and you felt shy and awkward as you made your way to them, âHeyâ
Kairiâs eyes lit up, âY/N! Nate isnât coming?â
âHeâŠsaid he wanted to stay a bitâ
âPerfect. We were waiting for you, so we could cut the cakeâ Chan smiled.
âWhat?â You laughed, noticing the little bento cake sat neatly in the back of the trunk, âHere? Just...the four of us?â
âMmhâ Kairi nodded, âMy favorite people ever. Itâs perfectâ
Your heart warmed, and nothing had gone to plan, but it wasnât up to you, âSure... Why not?â
She jumped up, standing next to you on the concrete as Chan opened the box carefully. He dug into his pockets for a lighter, and lit the candles. It wasâŠdefinitely not the way youâd envisioned tonight, but this was about Kairi, and in a wayâŠthis was perfect.Â
Under the moonlight, in the empty parking lot, the glow of the candles was bright. Kairi leaned in, closing her eyes to make a wish, and then blew hard on the candles. Chan laughed loudly, singing a bad rendition of Happy Birthday, and you smiled at the sight.Â
It was strange how they found solace in each other, in an abandoned lot miles away from the nearest city. The celebration was small, much smaller than youâd plannedâŠbut it still felt complete. You hugged Kairi, arms tight around her, and she hugged Hyunjin after you. You wonder if your scent lingered on him, through her. He said something to make her laugh, and she teased him by smearing frosting on his cheek. Hyunjin gasped, dramatically, dipping his finger right into the cake.Â
âNo, no, no!â Kairi laughed, hiding behind Chan. Chan rolled his eyes, âJinnie. Youâre not putting cake on herâÂ
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, laughing, âRelaxâŠâ Although clearly heâd been planning to do just that. Instead of putting it on her face, he licked his finger, tongue swirling around it.Â
Kairi got on her toes, pulling Chan in for a hug. You still donât know what they talked about that made them so happy again, but you would have to be patient and she would tell you everything. For a few seconds, they just held each other, indulging in and enjoying each otherâs embrace Your gaze drifted to Hyunjin. There was a small smile on his face, and shamelessly he watched them. You remember how much he loved Chan and Kairi. They wereâŠthe world to him. So⊠he must be the happiest right now.Â
Your own smile fell though, the longer you looked at Hyunjin. He must be cold, but heâd given you his sweaterâŠit wasnât much but it was everything right now. He made you crave him always, even when you were supposed to be so angry at him. The adoration in his eyes, the softness in his gazeâŠit used to be yours. He used to look at you like that, and you still didnât understand what changed.
What happened to make him change towards you so drastically? Why didnât he want you anymore? After the way youâd acted tonight, showing your immature, petty and vengeful side, he probably wouldnât want to evenâŠassociate with you anymore. A wave of sadness hit you. Had your anger ruined any chance you had with him tonight?Â
ButâŠwhy wouldnât you be angry at him? You had every right. Or maybeâŠheâd just think of you as the bitchy ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life. You were an anecdote to tell his future lovers, a girl to mention in passing, someone he had a fling with one summer. To you, he was the entire worldâŠbut heâd never reciprocate the feeling. Youâd ruined everything, because of your sadness. Tears shot up to your eyes, and you looked away.Â
You wish you never met Hyunjin. Your own thought killed you.
âCome on. We should get going, if we hope to make it to Seoul by dawnâ Chan said, pulling away, hoarse voice.Â
âYouâre not driving are you?â Kairi asked him, âThereâs a lot I wanna talk to you aboutâ
âShe means she wants to get drunk with you in the backseatâ Hyunjin laughed.
âSame differenceâ Kairi shrugged, and then turned to you, âYou donât mind riding shotgun, right? Hyunjinâs a good driverâ
How did you end up in this situation anyway? You'd already told Kairi that you had no problem with Hyunjin. You'd already caused so much trouble tonight.
âYeah. I donât mindâ You mumbled. Chan closed the trunk, after making sure the cake was secure, and you walked to the front. You didnât even know they had their own cars. Youâd always assumed their managers drove for them, but their company probably had no idea they were even here.Â
Huh. Hyunjin broke the rules for Chan. Just not for you.
You settled into the passenger seat, and Hyunjin sat next to you.Â
âJinnie, youâre gonna have to adjust the seat for yourselfâ Chan told him, as he and Kairi settled comfortably in the backseat.
âAh. The sins of being tallâ Kairi joked. In the rear view mirror, you saw them immediately snuggle together, and Chan wrapped an arm around her, like they couldnât bear to be apart. Must be nice. You were jittery, and anxious again, having Hyunjin in such close proximity to you. You rest your hand on the console, trying to not look at his side profile, trying to not think of how you were in his sweater over your wet swimsuit.
Chan moved ahead, hand landing on the back of your seat, âSo, Y/N. Tell me more. Now that youâre finally here, Iâd love to hear about youâ
You bit your lip, âIâm sure you already know everything there is to know about meâŠâ
A warm sensation made you jump, and you realised Hyunjin had accidentally placed his hand on top of yours, on the console between you.Â
âSorryâ He apologised, pulling his hand back.
âUm. Itâs fineâ You put your hands in your lap. Youâd forgotten how warm and comforting his hand was. You wanted to hold it again, for the rest of the ride. Glancing in the rearview, Chan was saying something to Kairi, her face held in his big hands as he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. Perhaps this is why their car had blacked out windows.
âSoâŠhow long will it take us to get home, Jinnie?â He asked.
Hyunjin glanced at the GPS, that was above the console, âSays about three hoursâ
âFuck. Iâm definitely gonna fall asleepâ Kairi laughed, and Chan nodded, âMe tooâ
Hyunjin reached into the glove compartment, taking out a pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses. He put them on, and youâd never seen him wear these before so these must be anti-glare, for the drive. RegardlessâŠhe looked suddenly ten times hotter than before, and you looked away. You would blame the alcohol for how attracted you felt to him in this moment.
âWhat are you waiting for, Jinnie?â Kairi asked him.
âUm. Car wonât start until everyone has their seatbelts inâ
He glanced at you, and before you could even think, he had leaned over to your side, pulling your belt out of the hook. Your breath stopped as his face hovered over yours but his gaze was focused on the strap as he pulled it towards him. He clicked it in place for you, crossing the strap over your chest, and waist, then he asked you, voice low and hoarse, âThat comfortable?â
Just for a second, he looked up at you, eyes meeting yours. His strong scent infiltrated you. You had no words to say. He was so close, and you just nodded, hoping that would be enough.
âWeâre good nowâ He spoke, leaning back into his own seat, and started the car. There was absolutely no fucking need for him to be doing that for you. You knew how to put a seatbelt on, but now you wished he was always there to do it for you.Â
Your chest was pounding embarrassingly loud. You think everybody could hear it. You glanced at him, and his hands rested on the wheel, and he looked so fucking attractive. The thin glasses rested on his nose, and he licked his lips, turning around, one hand on the wheel, other on the back of your seat so he could reverse the car out of its parking lot. God, you wish you never met him but you wanted to jump over the console into his lap, and kiss him for the rest of your life.Â
Hyunjin cleared his throat, and looked at you before turning to face the road again. His gaze dropped to your body for a second, to his sweater hugging you tightly. You werenât talking to each other, but⊠your gaze mirrored his, youâre sure. You stared at his face illuminated in the moonlight, darkened look in his eyes. So, he couldn't love you, but you still had an effect on him, and it made you feel proud. Anybody in the world would be able to tell what you wanted to do to each other. Even right now, when you hated him more than anything. Even when heâd broken your heart and made no attempt to patch it back up.Â
You both said nothing, as he focused on the road, pulling out of the campgrounds to catch the highway. The silence was enough. Youâd been in this car for just a few minutes, and you were already dying, air thick with tension.Â
There were three long hours to Seoul, on a dark highway through the woods, with only the moonlight to guide you, and Hyunjin was inches from you.Â
You had no idea how youâd make it there, without completely ruining each other.
»»ââââ-
masterlist â
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :)Â
if youâd like to support me and my writing, you can buy me a coffee here! thank you so much.
taglist: @thebelljug @lovhyunj @imthecuteanimal @diya-ke-khayalââ @princess-kayleighââ @lovelyyyouââ @ermahgerd-larry-and-ziam @murderyoursoul @hyuneluvbotâ â@hyunjinslovelys @danyxthirstae01 @jamaisvu97 @lixvsââ  @lcvryuâ @seungly @hyuka-luvbot@neochaeryeongââ @xa21xââ @mel-the-mad-hatter @jellyjelly605ââ @beaann @sadbixth11 @tae-kook-loverââ @hyunzales29ââ @hyunhanji @imhyvnjinââ @hyyneeââ @xpressomarstini @hyyuniverseââ @tulips4uââ @kibblesnbitesââ @natskilou
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hey girl can you make a master list? I love your writing!! đ«¶đ»
heyya i truly appreciate that as iâm still very knew to writing. thank you for loving my style. masterlist is now pinned to my profile đ
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passing notes in secrecy
synopsis: life's not that easy when you're in love with the prettiest boy who just happens to be an idol, but you'll make it, right?
cw: childhood friends to lovers, smut, idol!hyun
word count: 1,1k
In the soft hush of midnight's embrace, you tiptoed through the corridors of stardust and dreams. Your heart a symphony of secrecy and longing.
You've been with him for five months, even though you've known him your whole life, long before the world knew the crescendo of his name and fame was but a distant dream. Your stories were woven together in the tender threads of childhood's innocence. You used to be just kids, sharing stories and secrets under the benevolent shade of the old oak tree in your neighbourhood's park down the road, where the houses were all painted in a beautiful cinnamon color. You would visit each other every day, some days at his house, some others at yours. His mother would always welcome you with a huge smile painted across her face and freshly bakes cookies, always. You'd lie on the grass, or the beach sand, or the wooden floors of his room.
As your teenage years unfurled like pages in a book, your friendship deepened into something more profound. In the golden haze of sunsets and the soft whispers of wind, you found yourselves drawn together by an invisible string. He wrote a song about you one day, when he was around the age of 15 and you 14. All the unspoken words of his heart spilled into paper. With trembling hands and a courage down from the depths of his affection, he slipped the parchment into your school bag, a secret serenade to the girl who held his heart. You started dating that summer. You remember it as the best summer of your life, and the last one before you lost him.
That following fall, he embarked on a journey of trading the familiar comforts of home for the uncertain allure of a music company's door. He always wanted this, he would always talk about wanting it. And he was truly an artist. He wrote beautifully, his words always so tender and artistic, he would dance like a god, moving like water, and his voice was as beautiful and soft as one could be. You always believed in him and encouraged him to try, and never thought about what follows all this. And he got in. He made it. He made it and you lost him and yet you would not want it any other way, because the love you shared and the bond was not a common one.
He trained for two years, two years of barely seeing each other, he basically lived inside the walls of his company, practicing hard, his dancing, his singing, his rap. You met the people he would debut with once, and they were lovely. You had dinner with all 8 of them that day.
"You guys do know if we actually debut you have to like, broke up right?" the one named Jisung said.
The table fell silent and someone visibly kicked him under the table but you can't remember who it was now. Hyunjin had looked at Jisung angrily yet shocked he brought it up, like they had talked about this before and he could not believe he said it in front of me, and then just continued finishing his food while taking huge gulps of his wine.
"What do you mean? Why?" I had asked.
"It's dangerous that you're still dating now, actually. If the company finds out Hyunjin's definitely getting kicked out for not focusing on his debut. It's strict as hell, you know this" Jisung continued explaining, in a soft sorry tone.
Hyunjin had stood up and went outside. He used to smoke sometime here and there when he was really tired or stressed. You followed him outside the restaurant were he opened a new pack of cigarette and stood right next to him, reaching for his hand.
"You know.. what he's saying is true" he said. Silence on your part as you let him continue.
"If they find out it's going to be so messy, I will get in so much trouble and if something happens to me, everyone's debut gets affected, it's like a fucking domino. And eventually even if we continue this I will not have time to take care of you and be around you and you'll grow tired of me never being there cause I won't be able to and if someone ever finds out after i debut it's yet again over for my career and I put everyone at risk again. I just don't"
You stopped him, silencing the cacophony of stress with a gentle touch. Your fingertips, like whisper promises touched his face softly, and with bravery born of longing leaned in, interrupting his thoughts and anxieties with the melody of your lips pressed tenderly against his.
"It's okay" is all you said.
You broke up 2 months later.
In between the next 3 years, you watched him from afar. You got a boyfriend when you turned 19, a nice boy you met at the library where you'd spend most of your days outside of uni. You spent beautiful moments with him, you gave your v card to that boy that summer, and he was a great destruction from Hyunjin. But that's all he was, and when you realized that you felt like such an awful person. You broke up with him later that year, as Hyunjin continued to never leave your mind. But how could he? His band became a huge success. He was everywhere. On billboards around town, on the radio, all over social media. You could not escape him even if you wanted to. But you didn't mind. Seeing him thrive, even without you, brought you an absurd amount of happiness and peacefulness, knowing that he'd doing well, living his dream.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dressed as an employee with the card he specifically made secretly for you so you can easily sneak in, you slipped into the bustling company. You heart racing, as it always does during this part, pretending to be an employee to pass through doors.
You and Hyunjin found your way to each other a few months ago, when he visited home to see his parents. It was irrational and you weren't thinking, but the second his lips touched yours, as now full grown adults, things could never go back to how they were. He was even prettier now, if that's even possible. His hair was long, black. His lips still beautiful and full and so soft. His body was bigger, and harder than what you remember, probably because of his dancing. He fucked you in his childhood room that night. His hand on your mouth and other times kissing you hard to muffle your moans as his whole family was in the house.
"You have no idea how many times I've dreamed of this" he said as he laid you on his bed, getting you under the covers. He let you undress him and explore his body, taking your time with it. He was so hard under his boxers and leaking already, you palmed him through them and kissed him like this would be the last time you'll get to put your lips on his. You left comments about his size and you felt him both twitch and smirk through the kiss.
"When did you get so handsome?" you asked.
"When did you get this fucking hot" he responded.
He opened you up later that night, kissing you down the softly and eating you out hungrily, with so much skill. You wondered how many girls he's done this to, and you asked without thinking. He doesn't respond but he looks up at you while hes down there. He started inserting fingers, one by one, while continuing to play with your clit between his tongue. When you were finally ready for him he came close to your face and kissed your nose.
"I haven't done this in years. Be gentle" you tell him shyly yet in a playful tone.
"Oh so you've done this before?"
"You haven't ?"
You stare at each other for a moment, then smile.
"Now that we're here, I wish I never did, so I could do it with you" you said. And he simply said "These things don't matter to me" before kissing you again.
He let you ride him, so you could take your time and control the movements that were happening, and it's safe to say he loved being at your mercy. Your hands intertwined, sweaty foreheads, soft whimpers. He sounded beautiful. That one boyfriend you had back in the day was a nice guy, but the few times you had sex felt like a joke right now. He was silent, strict with it, forward. Hyunjin was vocal, touchy, loving, considerate. You felt like you were having sex for the first time, cause you were one way or another. At the end of the day what did virginity even mean.
When your hips got tired, he immediately noticed and started moving you up and down on him. He changed positions a few minutes later, now being on top of you. He fixed your hair that was all over your red face and kissed your hands while entering you, much harder this time. You could feel both your orgasms coming. Out of nowhere, he put his hand on your belly, and dragged yours right there a second later.
"Can you feel me. That's me baby. All of me"
Looking deep into his eyes, shocked, ears and cheeks red, you both came, as he started playing with your clit fast and then pulled out and spilled on your belly. He got up immediately after the events and cleaned you up, dressed you up in your pajamas and then got in the bed. You didn't sleep that night, not until 5am at least. You stayed up and talked. You talked about everything. Your lives, what you've been doing, how this insane life he was living is like. You told him about the boy you met that summer, and he told you he has been with someone from his company for a few months after he realized his heart does not belong there and broke things off. You asked him who the girl was, and when he answered he notice how your face dropped.
"What is it?"
"Oh I know her, shes really pretty and talented, no wonder"
"And yet you're the prettiest girl in the world and the one i cant get this stupid mind of mine to let go, all these years"
You talked about what was going to happen, and both agreed that you wanted this, even if it was risky. It was okay, his dating ban was lifted long ago, and you'd be careful, you could do this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sneaking in the company using your card, you finally end up on the third floor, successfully unnoticed. You always meet him here since this floor is always empty. After a couple minutes pass you hear footsteps and hide behind a trashcan, and the second you realize it's him you jump up on him and hug him. You kiss, trying to be silent, and then he takes you to a tiny room he uses to write and record music.
The space is tiny and he has never brought you here before.
"Oh. This place is tiny we barely fit in here. What do you even do here?" you ask.
"It's my little space, I come here to concentrate and write."
You move your head in understanding and then he suddenly pulls you on his knees, as he's sitting down on the one and only chair that fit this room.
"It's also soundproof"
"Oh." you smirk and kiss him, running your hands through his beautiful hair, ruining his ponytail.
Suddenly, after minutes of purely making out, he positions you directly above his knee, and starts harshly pushing up, going right under your skirt and directly hitting your wet spot.
"So warm down there, you're wet for me already baby?" as you hum in response. He keeps saying dirty, yet loving things in your ear as he's fucking you with his knee, and at some point you take control and start moving yourself. Your hands on his chest, on his shoulders, in his hair, on his neck. He fucking loves all of it, you can see it, you can hear it. After reaching a crazy orgasm, you get off of him and immediately unbuckle his belt.
"Oh love you don't have to that's fine, let it be about you only this time"
"God you have no idea how much i want you do you?" you responded and gave him singlehandedly the best head of his life. After he came down from the high of his orgasm he pulled you up and kissed you hard, yet with so much tenderness.
Being with him was definitely a challenge. Everything had to be done in secret. Behind malls and bars and late at night where only the moon and the stars could see your faces. But you wouldn't change it, not for the world, he was your own little world.
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i am a girlboss i am a war criminal i am a lunatic . i am clinically insane & the next virgin mary & i am never going to die
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2 am, who do you love ?
hyunjin x reader (f) - idol hyunjin/painter yn
smut: fingering, face fucking (f receiving), very very soft, reader is stressed and insecure
words: 1.4k
It's Sunday night.
You finished your work for the day on a painting you have been working on for the past few months that is a commission and you're super excited to finish once and for all and get payed for. It's a beautiful big canvas and you're playing with all the shades of blue, painting the perfect night sky for your costumer. You have been having fun doing this. After all it's your passion and the thing you love most in the world, but it sure can be draining and filled with pressure. You promised to finish it in around a month and it's already been far too long.
You stood up from your painting stool and took off all of your clothes, getting ready to have a bath, praying in will calm your nerves as you're waiting for your boyfriend to come home after his schedule. Speaking of.. another thing that has been stressing you out lately. You boyfriend is sweetest in the world, and it has nothing to do with him, but you have been feeling weird lately. There's been two months or so where all you see online is people shipping him with an idol, a beautiful girl that he is known to be close friends with. You know there's nothing between them and you have also met her. She is super sweet and kind, and maybe that's what messed with your head.
After spending an embarrassing amount of time in the shower thinking about everything that has been stressing you out, completely ignoring the fact you wanted to have this bath to relax and clear your head, you stood up and started getting ready for bed. You wore one of Hyunjin's comfortable hoodies that were way too big on you and headed to the couch, as you remembered seeing during commercials that your favorite movie "Before Sunrise" will be on in a few minutes.
After a while you heard the door open. You smiled.
"Babe?"
"Couch"
He entered the room and you looked up at him and he looked at you.
"Are you okay? You look.. upset" he said.
"Yeah i was just, thinking about stuff and been stressing about this commission and all"
"Babe you know you don't have to rush it. The costumer even told you to take your time. Relax and do your thing"
"Yeah you're right.. I'm just so tired of it all"
He took off his coat.
"Can i help with anything?"
"Babe what are you talking about. It's nothing. I just have to finish this damn commission..I can manage"
"Oh i know you can manage. I was just thinking, maybe you can let me help you, with..your stress"
You looked at him. He was massaging your feet and drawing circles. You didn't respond, just smiled at him. He stood up from the couch and went to the bedroom. After a few minutes you were about to get up and follow him, get some proper sleep, when you saw him in front of you with nothing but a hoodie on and boxers. He looked at you looking at him and leaned down to kiss you. He let his body weight fall on you, and was basically on top of you on the couch.
"Let me help you my way"
"Help me"
And that's all he needed to hear for you two to start heavily making out on the couch.
You were making all sorts of sounds, him too. One of the many things you loved about him is how vocal he was. All men you've been with before him were just dead silent during moments like this, and it was such a turn off. You want to know that the other person is feeling good too, that you're also doing a good job in making them feel good. Love shouldn't feel like it's just something done to you.
"Sometimes i can be such a jealous prick. I hate that" you just blurted out
"What?"
he stopped kissing your neck and looked at you, confused.
"Myra"
He didn't say anything
"I know. Don't say it. I know she's just a childhood friend and all that but seeing people ship you two online is so weird sometimes. And i wonder if they ever find out about us how they'll react. Will they like me or.."
He kissed you so hard. and you felt your face wet. You grabbed his head and looked at him, and he had tears falling down his face.
"I'm so sorry about it. I know what fan are doing. I wished you'd never see it and i wish i could shut it down somehow or say something or let the world know about you. But you know I can't, right? If i could i would do it in a heart bea-"
It was your turn to kiss him mid sentence.
"I know baby. I'm sorry. It's stupid"
"No it's not. I would be so angry if i saw people wanting you to date some random friend of yours"
"Ouu.. you would?" you said, changing the atmosphere and letting it take the direction you wanted.
"Fuck you think?"
You started heavily making out again, and he started touching your body.
"In my hoodie, with nothing but your panties on..mm?"
You smiled while kissing him and he smiled too. And then you felt his fingers on your wet area and you shivered.
"Can i help you, please"
"Ye..yea. You know you can"
And just like that, while on top of you on that little couch of yours, he put your panties to the side and slid one of his long beautiful fingers inside of you. Slowly and carefully as he always does. So gentle with you. You moaned and grabbed him closer to you as you also felt him grow on your leg.
"i love you" he blurt out while slipping in a second finger.
"i love you more"
"you have no idea how much" and you felt him on your leg, moving, trying to get some relief out of the friction.
And before you could reply to that he took his fingers out and went down on you. He started licking your clit in circle, while fucking with two fingers. Slowly at first, as always, and then picked up the pace.. as always. That's another thing that you love about him. He was gentle, oh so gentle with you and would never agree to do anything that could possibly hurt you, but he could also go hard and be rough in his own way and the combination of it drove you crazy.
You were so sweaty and felt so hot, especially on your face. You felt like you had fever. The pleasure he was giving you was so much. You were both making sound, especially you. Grabbing his beautiful hair and letting him know he's doing good.
"You like that baby?" he said while looking up at you, knowing your answer, knowing you're straggling to talk.
"Ye.,yea i do" you said and held his head between your legs, squeezing him uncontrollably and moving yourself on his tongue.
"Sit on my face" he says suddenly and gets up.
"Woa, O. okay"
He knew you were about to cum.
You were now on top. On top of him and at the edge of the couch, placing yourself on him while he dragged you on his face.
"Ride my face baby"
And just like that you let go. At first you were shy, as you have probably done this one or two times, too long ago for you to be comfortable to just start moving on him the way you wanted. But with his help and the way you could see how hard he was, leaking in his own boxers, it gave you confidence, and you started moving, using him like a toy.
You came in his mouth a few minutes later.
"Oh my god Hyunjin.." you said while turning around and looking at him, kissing him and tasting yourself in his mouth.
"Your turn now baby"
"No, tonight was just about you"
"Nonsense. You look so delicious right now i will die if you don't let me have you"
You went down on your knees as he was seated on the couch.
"You don't have to baby.."
"I want to. Trust me.."
And you took his boxers off, and his beautiful long leaking cock hit his abdomen. And before you went ahead to pleasure him just like he did a few minutes ago, just like he always does, he took your face in his hands and looked deep in your eyes
"You know i love you and only you, in the loudest way i can, right?" ---------------------- hi i'm back. let me know if you enjoyed and what you'd like to see me write <3
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I encourage everyone who sees this to read this story !! itâs not finished, but itâs so so so worth following. Really beautifully written and youâll fall in love with hyunjin all over again, trust me.
The writerâs previous work âOnly fools fall for youâ is finished and is also soooo worth reading : )
check it out đ
star lost with you | hyunjin au
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you've had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you've never met somebody like him.
there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again.
he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heâs always wanted to, but what he didnât anticipate was meeting you.
hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
fic type: written series
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, mature content, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden (?) romance, slowburn (!), soulmate au (kind of)
status: ongoing.
comment to be a part of the taglist, if youâre interested !
playlist | discord server | moodboard #1 #2 #3
1. the boy in the art store
2. the night at the bowling alley
3. strawberry streusel
4. endless supply of twinkies
5. the aftermath
6. the perfect present
7. remnants of dreams
8. neon painted hearts
9. the morning after
10. the tickets were just an excuse
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I miss your writings! I hope youâre doing okay and will come back soon :)
oh đ„č hey there.
something with my family came up so i didnât have time for anything the past few months :( everythingâs alright now, so iâll try to get back to this as soon as i can. i miss it too â€ïžâđ©č
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I just read Hotter Than Your Ex Better Than Your Next and I just wanted to tell HOW GOOD IT WAS
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE IDEA, THE STORYLINE, THE ENDING, THE WHOLE THING
ahhhh thank you so muchhh iâm so glad you enjoyed it đđ«Ąđ
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the project, part 2 (+18)
part 1
synopsis: you've been thinking about him and what happened at his house all day every day and now you could not wait to see him again. after all, you still got a project to finish..
warnings: perv hyunjin, schoolgirl reader, schoolboy hyunjin, both are 19, masturbation(m), fingering, penetration, public sex, unprotected sex, pet name, oral (m receiving), face fucking
words: 2k
It's finally Monday, you'll finally see him again.
What happened at his house, his fingers inside you, your hand giving him pleasure beneath his clothes, wet sounds, kisses, hot breaths, moans. Everything was replaying in your head since it happened. You grew impatient. You wanted to see him more than anything today, in his school uniform that you had never noticed just how insanely sexy he looked in until he opened the door and you saw him.
You got in class, he wasn't there yet, late as always. You sat at your usual desk and waited. Your eyes on the door, waiting for him.
Around 8.30 am he walked it. He looked tired, but he also looked so.. so good. He looked up and you saw him searching for you and when his eyes landed in your, you smiled at him. He approached you and sat next to you, just like he promised that night.
"Hey" he said
"Hey there, I was waiting for you"
He didn't say anything but gave you a smile. He was still shy? Like he wasn't burying his fingers in your wet cunt just two days ago, but his shyness was kinda cute knowing the kind of freak he is behind closed doors, and you hadn't even seen half of it yet.
You did not talk to each other until the class ended. You both got your stuff and got outside to go grab coffee. There was awkwardness between you. You both got popsicles and coffee and sat together at the cafeteria.
"Soo.. about our project" he said
"Yeah? What about it?"
"You know it's not finished right?"
"Well, other things had to finish first"
He looked at you and you could see his entire face turn red and a tiny smile
"Damn you look like a beetroot right now, you shy?"
"No?"
"Your face says otherwise"
You both laughed. And then you remembered that you're supposed to actually finish the project by today 12am and your smiled dropped.
"Shit we have to finish it by today"
"Yeaahh.. that's what i'm trying to say.
"Okay shit, don't worry we'll do it. Meet me at the Library at 2pm?"
"Sound good" he said.
You continued drinking your coffee and eating your popsicles, you were looking at something on your phone so you weren't really talking
"I want you to do this to me" he suddenly said while you were sucking on your popsicle. You looked at him, he was sucking on his too.
"Well look at you acting all shy yet saying all this dirty shit to me"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was 1.30 pm and Hyunjin was already at the library waiting for you. The Library was literally empty, only one old lady behind a counter somewhere next to the door. Hyunjin was walking around the library, checking for books, maybe he could even find something useful for this goddamn project. Suddenly, his eyes fall on a green shiny book. He pulls it out the shelf and he looks at the cover. "20+ ways to do it right" and an animated couple in bed, missionary style. His eyes widened. How the hell did this book end up here. This was a school library. He grabbed the book and opened it quickly, looking around to see if anyone was there but the library remained empty. He flipped through the pages. Pages full of animated characters in different positions. He felt himself getting so turned on by those images, because all he could think about was you. All he could do is replaces those faces to yours and his.
He felt himself getting hard in his uniform. And he checked again if there was someone around. No one. He touched himself beneath his pants to adjust himself, but he should not have done that. He felt so good, he let a tiny broken moan and closed his eyes. When he realized what he had just done he started walking away from the aisle, with the book in his hand. He walked away, at the back of the library, where even when the library was full, no one would go there since the books were not themed and no one cared about them.
He rested his back on the wall. Opened the book again and started seeing more of it, getting even harder. He did't know why he did't just close the book and went back to the table to wait for you. What was he even doing? Getting hard in a library? What's the point? He could never jerk off in here, it was way too risky plus there were cameras. But he knew there were no cameras where he was right now, at the back of this huge library. He could never get caught here, especially now. No one was here except the old lady who worked here.
He dragged his hand away from the pages of the book and unzipped his pants. His closed his eyes and brought back the image of you, the feeling of your hand on his cock, your tight cunt and the way his fingers would disappear inside of you, and the noises you were making that day in his bathroom. Oh how he wished he could bury his cock inside of you. How he wished he could feel your pretty lips on him. He started teasing himself at first, and then started to fully jerk off. He wasn't making any noises, but his face was making all sorts of expressions. He was imagining you in all those positions he just saw, 69, doggy style, face off, cowgirl, golden arch. Everything. And his hand was going up and down so fast. He just needed to come immediately.
"Oh my god"
He opened his eyes and took his hand away from his pants. He looked so frightened, like he just got caught committing the worst crime known to man.
"Relax it's me" you said "Holy shit Hyunjin, what are you doing"
"I.. Jesus I'm so sorry you had to see this I'm so embarrassed. I . I just run into this fucking book I have no idea how it got here and I've just been so horny ever since we did what we did at my house. I can't stop thinking about you"
"Oh so, you were thinking about me over there with your hand in your pants?" You started approaching him
"Who else would I think of"
You were insanely close to him now, and he closed the distance between you with a wet and desperate kiss. His pants still unzipped and his dick still rock hard in his pants.
"You need some help with that?"
"We need to finish the project"
"Screw the project, and screw me too, here, now"
He looked deep into your eyes to see if you were being serious. And oh were you serious.
"Don't look at me like that. You're the perv jerking off in the library in the first place. Now finish what you started properly and let me take you. No one's here anyway"
And as if a different person got in his body, he pushed you against the wall and put his face in your neck.
"Whatever my angel wants"
You moaned silently at the name. He said it in such a low tone.
He pushed your skirt up and your panties to the side and stick one finger inside.
"How the hell are you this wet?"
"You think you're the only horny one here?"
"Am I the reason?"
"Are you stupid?" you heard him let out a little laugh
"Tell me, tell me what you've been thinking"
"What I've been thinking? When we were in class this morning all i could think was you taking me in one of those shitty desks in class. I was thinking about how good you'd feel inside me. How good you'd look, you look so pretty all fucked out because of me"
And when you said that, he turned you around so you could look at him
"Better now?"
"Fuck yeah"
And he continued fingering you with his long digits. In and out, his mouth open almost as wide as yours, as if he was feeling his own fingers too.
"I'm gonna cum so hard"
"Not yet angel"
That name again.
He took his fingers out of you and lowered his pants. And without him even saying anything, you were on your knees, finally looking at his cock, not just feeling it in your hand
"I've never seen a pretty one. This just might be the first pretty cock I see in my life" you said and looked up at him
"Well.. I"
And before he could respond to that huge compliment you just gave him, you put his cock in your mouth and held his balls in your hand, the other one on his leg, supporting yourself. His hand immediately going in your hair, put not pushing you. His head fell back and his mouth was fully open. He looked gorgeous.
"My god you're so good at this" he said breathlessly
"Fuck my mouth" you said and he looked down. "Don't just look at me, fuck my mouth until you see tears in my eyes"
"Fuck angel.." and he held your head with both hand, and started moving. He was going slow at first, and then sped up.
"Touch yourself" he said, and your hand traveled down to your clit so fast. You were insanely wet. He was going so fast now and you knew he was going to come in the next second if he didn't stop, when he suddenly stopped moving and took his cock out of your mouth.
"Stand up" and you obeyed.
He pushed you against the wall again, facing him so you could see his face since you admitted it turns you on looking at his fucked out expressions, and he held your leg up.
"Are you ready angel?"
"If you call me that again i'm seriously gonna cum just like that"
He smiled "Oh no, maybe i should stop saying it then, angel"
And he slowly inserted himself inside of you. You clenched around him and grabbed his arm tightly. It stink for a few second and knew, he could see it in your face.
"Tell me when it feel's okay to move"
His gentleness made you insane.
"Move, it's okay, it feels good knowing you're the reason of it"
"God you're so fucking hot, where the fuck have you been"
"Literally across the room for 6 months now"
You both smiled at each other, and he started moving slowly, in and out. A few second later he started going harder, and harder.. and harder. It felt so good. Sounds of skin to skin and panting, you both prayed no one came back here. And while he was fucking the brains out of you, he was praising you the entire time
"You're so beautiful like this" "Your eyes are so beautiful" "Your tight little cunt is just perfect for me" "You're taking me so well.. angel"
And with that last pet name you let out a loud moan covered by his hand and came all over his dick. He kept going.
"Where do you want me"
"Fuck. Inside. I trust you"
And just like that he came inside your cunt, shaking and letting out broken moans, both of you. He pulled out and you moaned, suddenly feeling empty without him. He zipped his pants and sat down on the floor, trying to catch his breath, and you sat down next to him, resting your head on his shoulder.
"You fucking perv, you fuck so good you know that?"
And you could feel the smile on his face.
"The project.."
"Yeah.. yeah the project"
And you both laughed and helped each other up.
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i have decided to make a part 2 of âthe projectâ since you guys like it that much đ€
coming soon âŒïž
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OMGHDHD I LOVE THE WHOLE PERV HYUNJIN FIC! would lowkey like to read more ahha but lately from all those skz concert vids, it would be nice if you could right something about hyunjin seeing you get broken up during the concert and then helping you forget about it after :) giving from the shirt he wore âhotter than your ex, better than your nextâ
itâs up, thank you for the request and i hope you love it đ«Ąđ
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hotter than your ex better than your next (+18) - anon request
synopsis: you finally got the chance to see your favorite band live after years of supporting them, yet your boyfriend had to go and ruin everything, or maybe, not.
warnings: smut, unprotected sex, artist hyunjin x fan reader, penetration, fingering, choking
word count: 3k
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Today was the day!
You were waiting for years for today to finally come. And it did.
You have been such a huge fan of the kpop band "stray kids" for years now, and you always wanted to see them live. You never got the chance though. Not working back then was the reason you could not attend since you couldn't afford a ticket, and then covid happened so concerts just kind of disappeared off the face of earth. Things are going back to normal, kinda, and you will finally.. finally see them live.
You are going with your boyfriend. He has been acting kind of weird lately and you genuinely do not know why, too scared to even ask him in fear he puts an end to your relationship. You just hope today changes things. Today you'll be together, having fun, dancing and singing at the concert, have a few drinks maybe.. and later when you come back home maybe he'll finally be in the mood for sex, which is something he's been avoiding for the past month.
Anyway, point is, today you're seeing stray kids, and that's insanely exciting cause that also means you'll finally see hyunjin live, in front of you! Hyunjin has been your bias from the beginning and you've been loyal ever since. You don't consider yourself a crazy fan with delusions, but that man.. he's just a little too fine for his own good
It's 6 pm, the concert is at 9 pm, so you and your boyfriend both start getting ready. He doesn't look excited at all though. He looks kinda.. miserable. You don't read much into it, you're too excited and have waiting for too long for this day to be ruined by anyone at this point. You locked yourself in the bathroom and got ready.
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You're both there, it's already been an hour of you dancing and screaming your lungs out. Stray Kids are incredible. Every single one of them is just magical. And hyunjin.. oh brother, he is just ethereal. You knew he was going to look even better up close, but not like this.. not looking like a character that just jumped right out of a magical book.
You could not stop staring at him. His dancing was insane, his voice, his stare. You would swear he looked at you a few times, after all you were in front of the stage, and you turned next to you to tell your boyfriend that you think he looked at you with excitement in your eyes but you were met with a poker face. He was not even dancing, with a beer in his hand looking either emotionless or.. angry? You could not really tell. You could never tell with him anyways.. You turned your attention back to the stage and kept dancing and jumping.
As the time was passing it was clearly obvious that Hyunjin was looking at you. You were literally just staring at each other. You caught yourself feeling shy, like you were being observed in a way you were not at all ready for or expecting. Suddenly you felt someone grabbing your arm and it cut off your smile like a knife
"I can't do this anymore"
"What? What do you mean? Is there something wrong babe you wanna go outside maybe and wait for me?"
"No. Not what i mean. I want us to break up. Now"
"What?"
"You heard me."
"You're gonna do this.. right now?"
"Yes. I'm sorry but i just can't hold it anymore"
And he just left. He dropped your arm and started walking fast towards the exit of the venue. You were just standing there looking at his back, leaving you just like that in the middle of this concert while you were having the time of your life 2 minutes ago before he decided to drop this bomb on you and leave.
Warm tears started escaping your eyes. You turned to look at the stage. He was looking at you, again. He had a worrying expressions all over his face. What the hell. What if he saw all this oh that's just way too embarrassing. Your bias watching you getting dumped during his own concert. You quickly looked away. You were so shocked. Everything started sounding weird, like white noise. You folded for a second and tried to focus on the sounds. When you realized you were probably going through a shock you turned around and started walking out.
You went to the bathroom and looked at yourself in the mirror. You looked awful. Mascara and eyeliner rolling down your cheeks and spreading all over your face. Eyes red from crying. You tried to fix yourself, collect yourself and go back there and enjoy the last part of the concert. But it was impossible. You could not stop crying. Fixing your makeup and ruining it again a few second later. You could not believe he did this to you.. You locked yourself in one of the bathrooms and just stayed there.. for at least 30 minutes, when suddenly you hear footsteps, loud speaking and laughing. The concert was over. You missed the last 40 minutes or so, and you've been locked in this godforsaken venue bathroom crying. But you just refused to get out. You did not know what had gotten into you. You just wanted to stay on that dirty bathroom floor and cry your eyes out.
A few minutes later, after the venue was basically empty from fans, you heard footsteps again, the sound getting louder each passing second, which meant the person was getting closer.
"Is someone in here? Are you okay?"
You froze. What the actual fuck. His voice? No this can't be. You're probably imagining things from all the crying.
"Are you crying?"
You remained frozen,
"Look, I'm really sorry I'm here, i know this is the women bathroom but i heard sobs and i had to check. Did something happen and can i help you? It's okay. Just unlock the door."
You knew now that it was definitely him. This was Hyunjinâs voice. You could recognize that voice from miles away. You unlocked the door.
"Oh my god it's you" he said "I saw everything sweetheart i'm so sorry, it's okay. I'm sure he was an asshole anyway"
And with that, him literally being in front of you kneeling, calling you a sweetheart, recognizing you, immediately trying to comfort you, you fell in his arms and started sobbing.
"It's okay, you can cry. That was the most asshole move I've ever seen in my life" he said and started moving his hand up and down your back.
"Hey" he said when you kind of calmed down, your head still on his shoulder "You wanna come to my dressing room and clean yourself? I'll make sure you go home safely tonight. That asshole didn't even think about how you were going to leave"
You were utterly shocked. Hwang Hyunjin comforting you, calling your (now ex) boyfriend an asshole, taking care of you.. ??? what was even happening.
You nodded and he felt it on him. He stood up and helped you stand. And then you just walked behind him, following him around the venue, long halls, big spaces, and then suddenly you saw a door with his name on it, and him entering and turning around to look at you, so you walked in.
"First of all, what's your name?"
"I'm..i'm y/n"
"Cute name you got there going on"
You laughed.
"How old are you?"
"20"
"Oh okay good, this would've seem weird i guess if you were younger."
You laughed again.
"Listen I, I will go outside and wait for you to take a bath, this is the bathroom and these are the towels you can use. If you need anything just call me, i'll hear you, alright?"
"You.. you don't have to go outside"
"Oh no it's okay, I would never want to make you uncomfortable. Use the room like it's yours and I'll go find someone from our staff that can safely take you home"
"I want you to stay." you said.
He froze, just like you did when you heard his voice in that dirty bathroom.
And as you were looking at each other, you started addressing yourself, your eyes never leaving his, his never leaving yours, refusing to look down at your body.
"Is what i'm doing.. unacceptable?" you said
"N..no"
"Then why are you not looking"
"I don't think I should"
"You definitely should"
"We are both going to get in trouble"
"Do you find me attractive?"
" . .... Yes. Yes." and you saw him getting uncomfortable in his pants.
"Then it doesn't matter"
You have no idea what the hell was going on with you. What you were doing right now was crazy, but every time you were feeling this amount of sadness you'd turn into the most bold person. But this, this was insane.
And he finally looked down at your body. His cheeks and his ears turned red, his eyes shiny.
"Please, help me with my bath, if you want to that is"
And all he did was nod and walk to the door of the dressing room to lock it.
You got into the bathroom and he made sure the water was warm and filled up the bathtub. And then you got in. He took the sponge and started cleaning your dirty body. You could clearly see his boner now.
"You wanna get in here with me now? I feel clean, because of you, thank you."
"I don't think i'll be able to control myself if i get in there" he said and laughed to himself.
"And who said i want you to control yourself? I know you're tired. You danced your ass off out there. Get in. Take it all out on me"
He was just sitting there staring at you, not moving
"You know.. I should not be doing this at all like this is so.. I will get in so much trouble if anyone finds out I had a fan in my room helping her take a bath or whatever it is we are doing like I can't just, get naked in front of you I don't even know you like yes you are so attractive and i had my eyes on you during this whole show. I don't know. I felt something when i saw you. And then he did that to you and i felt sick on stage. I really did. And i got so worried when you left in tears and I was thinking where could you possibly be. And-"
You cut him off, he was speaking so fast and so nervously, he wasn't wrong through. You were a stranger to him, and he would in fact get in trouble if anyone found out. But no one would. Your intentions were not ill at all. Your heart was broken into a million pieces right now, you saw the most gorgeous man on earth that just happens to be your bias kneeling in front of you and comforting you after the worst breakup probably in history, and now you just wanted to feel loved, by him, by someone you trusted.
"I will not tell a single soul, are you insane? I would never do this to you"
And there was so much sincerity in your voice that it actually calmed him down and he believed you.
He stood up and started undressing himself. When he took his shirt off and you saw his gorgeous toned upper body you felt yourself melt like sugar in the bathtub's hot water. And when he took off his pants and his underwear and you saw him, all of him, you gasped.
"Oh okay sir, wow"
"Well that's the reaction any man could ever ask for"
You laughed. You had realized that he has made you laugh in the past hour more times than your ex had the past few months.
He got it the bathtub, right behind you. You could feel his cock on your back. He was so hard you had no clue how he was holding himself that well.
After a few minutes of complete silence you turned to face him.
"Can you please.. can we do it? I want to so bad. Do you ?"
And he turned your entire body around. Everything started going so fast. You kissed. Hard and rough and messy. And then he started touching you everywhere and you did the same to him. His hand going around your thighs, your boobs, your nipples. Soft kisses everywhere. Your hand going to his back and to his dick. The second you touched him he looked at you and moaned.
"I want to too, but there's one thing you should know"
"And what is that?"
"I don't "do it". I fuck. And i fuck hard"
You let out a moan in his ear as a response. And then you both stood up in the bathtub and he got you against the wall. Started putting his long fingers inside you. One by one. You were a moaning mess and he was hovering over you. Enjoying watching you getting ruined on his fingers. His mouth was open and you could see his dick twitching every time you'd moan. You started moving yourself on them as well at some point .
"Are you ready?"
"Fuck . Fuck yes I am"
And with your approval, he positioned you so he could grab you correctly, and he started pushing in slowly, filling you up just right, your head back and your eyes rolling to the back of your head, and him intensely staring at you and your expressions, not wanting to miss the way you look right now.
"My god you're so big, i'm not used to this"
And with you saying this, he slowed down even more, and you thought to yourself that even though he was very obviously going to fuck your brains out tonight, he also wanted you to enjoy this and not feel any pain, but pure pleasure. And that alone brought your pleasure.
"I'm good, it feel good, let loose"
And he started going faster. And then he was going hard. In and out of you, found your spot in under 2 minutes. You were feeling so much pleasure it was insane. He was going harder and harder and you were both moaning so hard and loud, you just hoped no one was sitting behind the door of his room.
"You're taking me so well my god. Look at me"
And as you looked in his eyes, he started going so fast and he was forcing your head straight, your eyes in his eyes as he was doing this to your body. The pleasure was out of this world. He was moving his body like it's nothing. Not once losing his pace. Where did he even find all this energy after such a tiring night.
And then he put one of his hands around your neck, very loosely.
"Can I ?"
"I was waiting for you to do this since we got in here"
He smirked and tightened his grip. Not too much. Not too tight and not too loose. Just right. Just the right amount that was making you lose your mind. And it was making him lose it too, you could see it. He looked gone.
"Do it to me too"
"Oh fuck Hyunjin" you moaned, and put your hand around his neck
"Tighter" he said.
And as you tightened your grip you felt him twitch and he let out the loudest moan you heard from him yet
"I...ahhh. I'm so close" he said through moans
"Yeah, me too"
"Ladies first" he said and took his whole cock out of you and pushed it back in again while his hand move from your neck to you clit, playing with it at the pace he was going.
'FUCKKKKKKkk" and just like that you came all over his fingers and dick.
He pulled out and started playing with his tip
"Let me" you said, and took him in your moth, covering the base with your hand since you could not fit the whole thing in your mouth. A minute later he was coming all over your face.
"Holy shit" he said looking down at you. His cum all over your face.
"That was the best sex I've ever had in my life" you said and he smiled.
You both sat down to catch your breaths, and then cleaned each other and got out of the bathtub.
He gave you his clothes. Sweatpants and a hoodie, and put your dirty ones in a bag.
"Thank you for.. whatever this was"
"It wasn't my intention you know.. I just wanted to help you. I don't want you to think i'm some sicko who takes advantage of fans. I've never done this before"
"Hyunjin.. i know. I literally started this"
He laughed
"Yeah you did" and then.. "I want to see you again. Don't just disappear, could that be possible?"
You froze. He wanted to see you again? This wasn't a silly little one time thing between two people, one super tired who needed to relax, and a super heartbroken one that needed comfort? Oh..
"What? Yeah. Yeah what the fuck yes"
He let a little smile show from your reaction.
You exchanged numbers, and then he found someone to take you home. That night you texted for hours. You talked about yourself, after all he still did not know shit about you other than your name, age, and the fact you liked his band. He talked about himself too. Turns out there were a lot of things you did not know about him.
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The next day, you were scrolling through twitter and you suddenly saw a photo of him at the concert they were currently having, and you noticed something in his outfit, something he never wore during the other shows.
His shirt had a slogan on it.
"Hotter than your ex, better than your next"
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