holiestache

[holiestache]

i am more gaping wound than person

[holiestache]

the days are getting shorter and i’m still unloveable

[holiestache]

you make me want to be hungry

did you know that after, i hardly ate for two weeks?

you make me want to open my skin back up

to lose everything i’ve worked to create

and my revenge will be

not eating

which will only destroy me and not you

but i don’t care

i’m tired of dreaming

maybe starvation will kill me more than you

[holiestache]

you ache of sorrow,

how i’m still angry,

and that he put you in your place;

but do you stop to imagine

how all the things you’ve done

have disfigured me;

how my conscious,

my very person,

has become nothing of what i am;

and that i’m nothing

empty virtue

desperate please of mothers praying for their lost young.

[holiestache]

i don’t need you to promise me

i need you to prove to me you can treat me better

i don’t need elaborate apologies

or elaborate making ups and letters

i don’t want to explain to you

how to treat me right

i’m too tired to fight for good treatment

i just need you to prove to me you can be kind.

[holiestache]

i pray the guilt destroys you

[holiestache]

destroy me so i can finally feel open

so all this convolution is of use

because when i am destroyed i cannot stop creating

because otherwise nothingness consumes me and eats me whole

and i feel so hollow

this smell fills my lungs and leaves me breathless

and these bags under my eyes are full carrying everything that keeps me up deep into the night

and i just want to be held gently

i’m so sore

i’m so tired

i am so bruised.

[holiestache]

and it hurts to see you love

someone i always craved to be me

and i need to let go

but my stupid mind keeps convoluting possibilities

and i’m so tired of this fruitless yearning

that only brings me wound and blood

and i should truly start accepting

that you’re not who i think you are

and you’ll never love me

as lovely as i am

and i need to accept you’ll never crave me

as stupid as i am

but God has me craving you

in the holiest of ways

but I wish He’d let me let go

my putrid foolish aches

[holiestache]

maybe i will let myself be full of love

and be soft

and let my tender hands hold those around me softly

maybe i will let myself be soft

and not build thick stone walls

around my heart

maybe i will let you in

maybe, baby

maybe