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Week 16: THE SHIP

We wait all year for this and now its finally here; the ship. And this season, a new challenger will hoist the Danza Cup. It’s all very exciting. Let’s take a look at how we got here. 

Even with team captain, A-Aron Rodgers laying an egg, Goostano somehow snuck by Matt. Matthew’s streak of silver-medal finishes is over and will do everything he can to avoid being a 4th-place bubbleboy. Goose is making his first dive into the money and just his second playoff appearance since the league’s maiden voyage in 2010, when he came in a disappointing 5th place.

Rob saw his team roll over and make a stinky just when he needed them most. Always an unfortunate occurrence, but it came in a week where Scott and his behemoth cock were shooting off fantasy point cum loads. It’s hardly a consolation, but at least then you don’t lose sleep over sit/start decisions, only over thinking about Scott’s monster lap hog. Scott will also have his best finish in Danzaland, topping his 3rd-place 2010 season. Yay for Scott! Yaaaayyy!

Matt at Rob -6.5

This year’s undercard is a rematch of the 2014 finals. Ryan Mathews stormed out to give Matt a rousing start on Thursday night. While I’m sure it fell flat to Matt’s expectations, his other crappyweiner options probably won’t do any better. Rob needs to hope that last week’s 67-point bed-shitting is merely an aberration. The Robmillionaires certainly have some nice matchups on the slate, but that doesn’t always translate to points. 3rd place walks away with a cool $200, a net-$80 handshake for having a mostly-successful season. 4th place gets, well...

Scroto Sackins at The Great Goostano -4.5

Aside from these two each thinking “wumbo” is a word, they have one thing in common: they’re both heavily reliant on a singular offense. Scotty, the Falcons; Goostifer, the Packers. As those real-life teams go, so do their fantasy counterparts and tethered dreams of glory. Goose already got a strong showing from his top pick, OBJ, but was let down by the Giants D. Call that about a wash. We’ll see going into Monday night if Dez can deliver Goose his one shining moment or if Matty Ice will end up being Scroto Sackins’ lord of the ring...

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Week 15: The Semis

Guys, I'm sorry. It was a deadline week at work and I had something going on every night. I was planning on waking up early today, having a nice cup of coffee, putting on the Muppet Christmas Carol soundtrack and doing the write-up. Unfortunately, I've been shitting my brains out since 1 in the morning. I feel like death and pretty sure I have Ebola. I'm severely dehydrated and can't feel my legs. But it's the semis, a week of such importance, and the show must go on.

Matt at Goose -5.5

Matty took down his old friend Dan and his mound of shit team, in last week's WWCW. He now gets the pleasure of facing the great Goostano. Goose is in unfamiliar territory; 10-3, in the playoffs, and coming off a bye. Will his inexperience get the best of him? Benching Bilal Powell was a good start. I think it's gonna be a close one.

Rob at Scott -3.5

Roberto and Scotty. One loves the Animaniacs, the other hates them. It's been an issue dividing people since the beginning of time, or at least since the mid-90's. Rob's been casting his dark arts all season, en route to his second scoring title. But it's actually Scotty Bagels with the home field advantage. Scrotes also took advantage of playing the defense going against Petty and the Jets. Scott is without Julio, Rob lost Melvin. This is already shaping up to be a bloodbath.

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Week 14: WILD Wild Card Weekend

Woooo-weeee. Thank you, Charlie! Put on your finest bolo tie and hold on tight, it’s WILD Wild Card Weekend! The figurative personification of a van with its brakes cut, filled with barrels of gasoline, careening out of control.

But before we get to it, here are some high and low-lights of the season that was.

Despite going a putrid 1-7 over the final 8 weeks, your beloved commish somehow came ever so close to sliding into the 5-seed. 10 more points last week would have done it. Or, you know, not making a countless multitude of poor choices. Basically, I just wanted to tell you that I hate myself and my life. But hey, I’ve got a fantasy league for The Bachelor to look forward to, which is nice.

Rob, Goose, and Beave all reached milestones. Roberto and Goostipher posted the 2nd and 10th highest seasonal point totals ever, while Beavis diarrhea’d the 3rd lowest in league history.  Congratulations all around.

And let’s compare my preseason predictions to what actually happened:

(Prediction/Actual)

Matt 9-4 1st/7-6 4th

Rick 8-5 2nd/5-8 7th

Roggen 8-5 3rd/4-9 10th

Paul 7-6 4th/5-8 9th

Sam 7-6 5th/5-8 8th

Dan 7-6 6th/6-7 5th

Scott 6-7 7th/9-4 2nd

Goose 6-7/10-3 1st

Beave and Rob 4-9 9th and 10th/6-7 6th; 8-5 3rd

I only correctly picked one playoff berth in a league where half the teams make it. Futility of that level is hard to accomplish. Like Jon Snow, I know nothing. BUT, but, I did nail something:

“Danny boy Watnick is the perpetual contender. He flips players like he’s shorting stocks. He’s shrewd. He’ll offer you a few real shit trades at some point that will insult your intelligence. I think he’s going to be the speed horse out of the gate, then fade as the season progresses, settling juuuuuuuuust outside the playoff picture. Eat shit, Dan.”

I mean, that’s pretty fucking spot-on. It all would have played out exactly like that, except none of our pathetic teams stepped up. Dan now becomes the third team to make the playoffs with a losing record. Congratulations, Dan. 

TO THE LINE!

Dan at Matt  -6.5

WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME! Where two men enter, but only one man leaves. Although, this battle is less clash of the titans and more Clash of the Idiots. 

Matt’s got a lot of nice matchups for his guys, starting with Crabtree on Thursday night going against the 32nd-ranked secondary. But don’t write Dan off. In spite of his team being a total mound of shit, ANYTHING can and will happen during WILD Wild Card Weekend. Plus, anyone with a double-dip in their arsenal always has a chance of blowing up. 

I think it’s going to be a real close call and, based on my preseason predictions, have no idea what’s gonna happen this weekend. 

But one thing I do know for sure- for one of these two, dying time’s here...

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Week 12 + 13: I hate fantasy and I hate all of you.

The Commish is back from his hiatus. I was planning on having a writeup for Week 12. However, when I returned from vacation, I found two weeks worth of work needing to get done in two and a half days, because the people who manage me are useless and incompetent and dipshits. Then I was going to do it over the long weekend, but I instead just went on living my life. Anyway, we’re here now and that’s all that matters.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend, filled with great food, great people, and great pie – especially pie. Luckily mine was. I needed some sort of comfort while I watched the Cowboys/Redskins game in anguish. Apple, lemon-chocolate, pumpkin, cherry…all consoled me while Fat Rob’s futility and the Dallas secondary forgetting to cover Desean Jackson rang the death knell for my 2016.

I’ve gone 1-6 over the last 7 weeks and with the season on the line, my shitbag team came through with a will-to-live-destroying 78 points. If that wasn’t bad enough, I lost to my two archrivals, Rick Southard and Mark Ingram. DAMMIT. Fuck you, Mark Ingram! I guess I’ll just continue sad-walking around Danzaville for one more week. 

We’ve come to the ultimate week of the regular season, and there’s plenty hanging in the balance for half the league. Excitement builds. Let’s take a gander around:

Those with nothing of substance at stake:

Goose – It’s like he finally graduated into being a real fantasy player. 

Goose is all but locked into the 1-seed. Yahoo for Goose. So proud.

Scotty Bagels – Scrotes has a bye secured, and his worst-case scenario is falling into third place, which doesn’t actually make a difference.

The Rick – The Rick will look to continue his role as the playoff spoiler. He’s won 3 straight, essentially put the nail in my season’s coffin, and can do the same for the Over Achiever’s inspirational and aspirational playoff bid.

Jonny Poogan – Hey, better late than never? Roggles, similarly to The Rick, suffered through a lost season, but has won two straight. He can potentially fuck up Dan’s world by making it three in a row.

Those with something at stake:

Sampel – Despite writing himself off following last week’s loss, Sam has a decent chance of wrastling the final playoff spot away from those in contention. He’s gotta win, Beave and Dan have to lose, and he’s gotta cover a 14 point differential. That shit is very much in play.

Paul – Technically speaking, I have a modicum of a chance to sneaking into the 5-seed. But it’s not sneaking so much as it’s a covert ops mission. I’d put the odds at 0.3%*. First I need to win, which is already asking a lot. Sam, Beave, and Dan would all have to lose. AND I need to outscore Dan by 67 points. Waaaaiiiittttt a minute…Am I crazy or could this actually happen?!?!?! Oh yeah that’s right, my team sucks. Nevermind.

*Okay full disclosure, I got excited once I started thinking about this. So I wanted to figure out the actual odds of me pulling it off. Here’s my breakdown: just using the dual-outcome model of binomial distribution for the 4 matchups (without factoring in projections), gets me to 6.25%. Then I (perhaps generously) estimated a 1 in 25 chance of outscoring Dan by 67. So 6.25% x 4% equalsssssss… 0.25%. Fuck. But wow. My original odds, which were meant to be outlandish, were pretty much EXACTLY right. I’m no longer excited, but I am convinced I’m a genius.

Those with EVERYTHING at stake:

Roberto – Rob’s spot in the postseason and title as points leader are secure. This much I know.  But a titular matchup with Matt will determine a bye week or getting sent to the thunderdome.

Mathias – Matty Babes is the biggest swinger of the bunch... Hold on there’s gotta be a better way to say that… Matt can go either way… Hmmm. I think you know what I’m trying to say. If Matt wins, he penetrates the soft, cushy walls of the bye-week quorum. A loss would send him to Wild Wild Card Weekend, or possibly (albeit unlikely), careening out of the playoffs altogether.

Dan – Danny Boy Watnick, the resident neurotic crackhead of Danzaville, is currently holding court in the 5-spot. Win and he’s in. He falls out with a loss and a Beave win. Or any of the increasingly-improbable scenarios outlined in the section above.

Beeftits – The Beave can weasel his way into the playoffs with a W and Roggen winning the Hebrew Hammer battle. It would be true-to-brand if the Over Achievers somehow make the playoffs with the lowest point total in the league.

TO THE LINES!

The Commish at The Goose  -9

0.3% BABY! YEAAHHH!

Sam at Scooter  -5.5

Rickles at Beavis  +1.5

Dan at Roggen  -3.5

Hebrew. Hammer.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Big Shot Rob at Thewy Lewis  +6

So much rides on this matchup. It only adds to it that they absolutely hate each other.

**wait, they don’t hate each other?**

YEAH…they HATE each other. IT’S ROB. IT’S MATT. IT’S THE GAME OF THE WEEK.

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Week 11: Week of Upsets

Hola mis amigos de futbol fantasticos. Oh man, Europe is pretty dope. As I sit in the VIP lounge of the Madrid airport, eating as much free stuff as I can, it's giving me time for reflection. First off, fucking A. 5 straight losses. Now I know what the Great Depression was like. But that's all ending this week. That's right. Commish is making a run. I'm going to rise from my own ashes like a fucking phoenix and it'll be glorious. it's time.

Sampel at Paul -3.5 it's gonna be close, but didn't you read my preamble? IT'S MY TIME. Matt at Beave +5 This is a real hoohoodilly. Manchisis. Playoff jockeying. Black leather gloves. Dan at Rick -2 Yup, I'm taking The Rick here. IT'S A WEEK OF UPSETS. Roger at Goose -4.5 what a year it's been for these two. what's up is down. I can't feel my face. WEEK OF UPSETS. Rob at Scott -5 OH MAN IT'S THE GAME OF THE WEEK. Arguably the two best teams going head to head. It's gonna be a fuckfest.

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Week 10: Holiday in Spain

Greeee-tings peasants, The commish is coming to you live from Salamanca, Spain. I've been gone for two days and I'll be vacating all around the Iberian peninsula for the next ten, eating jamon, drinking wine, and overall just living my best life. And given what happened in the election, there's a 38% chance I don't come back to the states. This and next week will be short write ups, because as outlined above, I've got a lot going on and plenty of cool shit to see. Let's get to the lines! 

Paul at Matt -5 Man, this matchup is almost as dark as the state of the union right now. To think, I was 4-1 at one point this season. Is this a loser leaves town match? Mr. Miyagi at Daniel-san -4.5 Looks like the student has become the teacher. Veryyyyy important game for the playoff race. Beavis at Scrotes -8.5 Given that it's Scotty Bagels' 30th birthday (hbd Scott) and that Beave's team is sneaky awful, I think Scroto Baggins takes this one going away. GAME OF THE WEEK 

Rickles at Poogan -7 

Haha, jk. Although this game is special, in like, a short bus kind of way. GAME OF THE WEEK Nicholootz at Roberto -3.5 Oooooooo weeeee! We've got a real barnburner on our hands. Couple of powerhouses with a combined 7-straight wins, duking it out for playoff seeding. FIRE EM UP BOYS. IT'S GOOSE. IT'S ROB. IT'S THE TONY DANZA GAME OF THE WEEK.

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Week 9: Toight Like A Toiger

Ooooooooweeeeeeee those are some tight standings. 8 weeks down, and 80% of the league has realistic aspirations for the postsesaon (all but Rickles and Poogan, whose seasons were laid to rest last week, RIP). Hate to see you both go, love to watch you leave. With 5 weeks left, there is so much to play for and each game will hold more and more weight. This is gonna be fun. Well, not for those who don't make the playoffs. This is gonna be exciting. Yeah, exciting... Interesting, it'll at least be interesting. To the lines!

Romper Stomper at Semen Sampel +4

Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1-7 and giving points on the road? Vegas can't be fooled. The sharp money is coming in on Roggen. And for good reason. Poogs, despite his abominable record, has a better team than most of us. Sam, well, he might have the worst team in the league - and that's coming from somebody who is strongly considering starting CJ Prosise. This is definitely the crappy Thursday night game of matchups this week. May god have mercy on both of you.

Goose at The Rick +2.5

Richard, what's happening? Has not been the season that was envisioned for Ricky Bobby. But, as a wise man once said, "if you ain't first, you're last." Since I know that's Rick's credo, (along with this) it's all for the better anyways. The Great Goostano just keeps rolling, and is well on his way to his best Danzaville showing. This can easily be a matchup that clips his wings. One of those regression to the means. An Admiral Akbar Memorial Game - the dreaded trap. Fly carefully, Goose. 

Scotty Bagels at The Commish +13.5 After my team served up a hearty bowl of poo stew with a side of poopy pudding for dessert, I've hit rock bottom in the midst of a 3-game losing skid. These are the types of streaks that make you question your life choices and the existence of a higher being. Half of my players are on the bye, which means a win this week will take all of my cunning. Luckily, all of my starters are basically replacement-level players anyway. Unluckily, I have The Otters on the slate.

I just hope Scott buys me dinner before he fucks me. 

Matt at Dan -6 #noMattandDan. Nope. Not now not ever. And not for game of the week. You two dingleberries came close, but not close enough. Matt will surely miss football manbeast, David Johnson. While Dan will be without his best two players, AJ Green and Lamar Miller. Should be a riveting matchup and I will be rooting for a low-scoring affair and possibly a tie. GAME OF THE WEEK

Robbie the Elder at The Vastly Overachieving Michael Manchisi +2.5 Wow, I pegged these two for 4 wins a piece and they've already eclipsed that. As they stand at respectable 5-3 records, they'll try and get any advantages they can. Rob has taken to mental highground approach and is speaking exclusively in riddles leading up to their game. But I'll be damned if it isn't working. I kept hearing a gong every time I read his messages and want to start living my life by the Tao of Rob.  

Thus far, Beavis has overachieved in pretty much every facet of his life. Objectively speaking, he's a real goofus. But he's managed to marry up, have a cute kid, and works in the government, even though he thinks that Wyoming is located in Canada. In 2016, the overachieving has spilled over onto the fantasy canvas. Objectively speaking, his team stinks. But his opposition for the year is averaging 88.5 points. That's about 20 points lower than the overall average score. 20 POINTS! I don't know what kind of dark arts you've been practicing, but tip of the cap sir. 

IT'S ROB. IT'S BEAVE. IT'S THE GAME OF THE WEEK.

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Weeks 7+8: Whooaaaaa We're Halfway There

Did everybody miss me? I'm back after a week hiatus that was partially sparked by being overwhelmed with work and not having the time, and partially by not feeling like doing a writeup for you jackals. I'd say it was an 80/20 split. Once the complaints started rolling in, there was no chance I was doing it because I'm petty AF and also because I don't give in to terrorism.  

And since I skipped last week, I'm combining 7&8 into the midpoint edition of the commissioner's note, because, hey it's my league and I can do whatever I want. To quote John Francis Bongiovi, "whoa, we're halfway there." With 6 weeks left to play, there is plenty to be decided. The standings paint an interesting landscape; we've got two doormats, three high flyers, and a fat middle. 

*Small aside* For whatever reason, Randy Quaid's character from Independence Day (the opening clip above) always reminds me of Rob Meier. Don't ask me why. Just does. I mean, tell me I'm wrong. To the lines!

The 1-6ers at Matt and Rob -5 (combined tease)

The 1-6ers... One's been plagued by poor sit/start decisions and stubbornly holding onto his stud workhorse, while the other by plain bad luck. Opponents are averaging a silly 128 against Poogan through 7 weeks. Sucks bro. But you've both won this league twice and, well, even if you hadn't, I'd have no pity for either of you. 

It's win or go home time for the road dogs. Despite the embarrassing records, I think these are gonna be close games. Maybe they both win and keep their slim postseason hopes alive. We all know Matt's team stinks, so Poogs has a chance. Rob's the points leader, which doesn’t bode well for Ricky Tan, but anything can happen! Like maybe Melvin Gordon won't score 3 touchdowns this week! I keep looking at Richard's team and keep thinking it’s really, not, that, bad...Smells like a pair of trap games.. What do you think, Admiral Akbar?

Semen Sample at The Goose Eggs -9.5

Ohhhh the Great Goostano, finally making me proud to admit that we're related. Finally, it doesn't seem like you took one-too-many rides in the dryer as a kid. And you now get mancrush Dez Bryant back to the fold - until he breaks his foot again. But relish it for the time being. 

Speaking of shitty injury luck, we come to Scuba Sam. LeVeon is on the bye. Thomas Rawls got his leg amputated, I’m pretty sure. And nobody knows what’s going on with Jamaal Charles, but Kansas City is perfectly content with Spencer Ware. All this adds up to Sam having to turn to the smooth, jazzy running styles of Miles Davis. That's one of those times you plug in a player and say your prayers... Like when an Asian woman has to switch lanes on a crowded highway. Jesus take the wheel... 

Paul at Beavewad -3.5

The BeavaPaulooza showdown...I'm pretty sure you can combine our teams and still be left with a mediocre starting lineup. We're both reeling from losses, and whoever loses this one will find themselves on the outside of the playoff picture.  

Last week, I had all my receivers and tight end combine for 10.7 points. FOUR OF YOU, 10.7 POINTS. All the great efforts by my master acquisitions were wasted. You think Lambo Lambo is just going to slap up 17 every week in kicky balls? RECEIVING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE STRENGTH OF MY TEAM. INSTEAD, MY TEAM HAS NO STRENGTHS. Fucking disgraceful, you bunch of flonkies. Fuck, I hate my team. CHRIS IVORY ON A THURSDAY? ARE YOU NUTS, PAUL? Clearly so, as I just third-personed myself a question. Things grow dark for the commish...

GAME OF THE WEEK

Dan at Scott -4

Talk about a heavyweight fight. The #1 and 2 teams in Danzaville, both 5-2, separated by a mere 10 points. The Otters are composed of cocksure, big swinggin' dicks. Each of the guys in Scotter's lineup reside in the top 10 scorers for their respective positions - with Travis Kelce being the only exception, and he's close. 

Dan on the other hand, has gone week to week, combing through the free agent pool and finding diamonds in the rough with ideal matchups. Has he been neurotic about it, picking up and dropping the same guy over and over like a crack head? Sure. But his nimbly tricks seem to be working. As the great Al Davis said, "just win baby." And Dan has done just that. Will he manage another one behind Jaboo? Will Dan suffer the karmic retributions of starting a rapist at quarterback? Hell, will he even be on his roster by Sunday? Who knows. HOW CAN YOU GAMEPLAN AGAINST DAN WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'LL BE FACING?!? You can't, that's how. Dan's wildcard antics have been controlled chaos in a world where everyone’s looking for stability. He’s playing in the deep end of the mental pool. And so far, it's worked out swimmingly.  

IT'S DAN. IT'S SCOTT. IT'S THE GAME OF THE WEEK.

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 6: Long Journey to the Middle

“You’ll meet them all again on the long journey to the middle.” –Lester Bangs, Almost Famous. (R.I.P. PSH)

Everybody came a little closer to the center of the standings, as there are no longer any winless or undefeated teams roaming about Danzaland. Actually, the last winless team took down the last undefeated team in a head to head battle, which is always fun.  

The stats page got another tag after week 5, but instead of desolate ineptitude, it was one to post on the refrigerator. The Commish put up a cool 166.7, good for the 8th-highest single game in the books. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. TO THE LINES!

Matt at Rickles  -3

I feel like this is the same team going against itself – a stud runningback surrounded by a lot of questionable choices…Kinda like a hot girl at a bar surrounded by a group of ugly friends. Additionally, my contempt for both of you is tremendous. A hearty congratulations for Ricky Tan are in order, as he got his first win of the year last week.

Roger Pedactor at Beavis Fartpants  +9

Normally you see a team that’s 1-4 against a team that’s 3-2 and would favor the home team with the better record. Not today. None of Beave’s opponents have broken 100 points. 380 total points-against through 5 weeks! How is that even possible? WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS?!? Beave’s living in a paper house. To date, he’s only outscored Sam, and everyone knows Sam’s team is poostink. Roger is the flip side of the same coin. Guy has been putting up stats, but can’t catch a break. Regression to the mean is coming here and coming hard. And if he gets hot and makes a run to the postseason, watch out - Roggles has the horses to bring him another chip.

Sam at Roberto  -7

I originally had this line way higher, because as previously mentioned, Sam’s team is poostink. But his guys are starting to get healthy - Carsey is back against a dreadful secondary, Jamaal is supposed to be getting the lion’s share of touches, Gronk should gronk… Maybe his squad will stop putting up 70-point weeks and sharting its pants.

Short aside; Along Came Polly is the most underrated movie of all time. Critics hated it. Movie goers dragged its name through the mud. But it’s a great flick and I’ll die on that hill. Phenomenal performance by PSH, solid bit roles by Alec Baldwin and Hank Azaria. Lots of laughs, feel good ending... I don’t know why it got so much flak. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there...

Danny Boy at The Commish -3.5

Ohhhhhhhh Danny. This is a big one for the standings. And oh man, I certainly don’t like you. The winningest regular season coach versus the second winningest. But this is my house and it’s time for you to get out of my house.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Scooter at Goostipher +2.5

Uh-oh, things are starting to come undone for the Great Goostano. The Crowbar turned into a pumpkin. The Pats are passing more, and inflicting less Blount force trauma. OBJ has yet to unlock the potential of his stratospheric talents. Rodgers has been middling. Both teams are reeling from losses though, as Scotty suffered his first of the year. Despite that, Scroto Sackins is trending up. Big Ben is lighting defenses on fire. DeMarco Murray looks like Eric Dickerson. Julio Jones has a third leg. And T.Y. Hilton is the fastest kid alive. That sloppy little otter is gonna be a handful for everyone he goes against. This might be 3 L’s in a row for the Goose Eggs, but hey you’re already doing better than last year. 

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 5: Desperation Strikes

The season is still young as we embark on the NFL’s fifth week. But as we take a look around, some of you have already entered must-win territory. There are currently a lot of desperadoes standing on the desolate, dusty outskirts of the Danzaville standings. Some know they need a win and have made moves to ensure that happens. Others are standing pat, hoping that their garbage teams chock full of underperformers regress to the mean. 

It has been a weird year so far. Scoring has been down, points are being spread out, and even blue chip players can’t be counted on to consistently deliver. For every Julio Jones 42 pointer, you’ve got OBJ putting up a spiffy 3.8. 

A special congratulations goes out to Scotty Bagels. He is the last undefeated team in the league. He is also the only one who hasn’t paid. Scotty, for every day you don’t pay me, I kill you. 

Beave at Goose -7.5

The Baby Bro Bowl is always a crowd pleaser. As of this writing, Beave is without a tight end...

And the free agent pool is pretty slim pickin’s after the market’s been strategically cornered. Will a deal be struck? Will he pick up a duster and cross his fingers? Will it matter?.. HE’S STARTING RYAN FITZPATRICK.

The Commish at Poogan -4

I’m coming off a real dogshit win, only putting up 82.6. I'm sorry it had to be you, Goose. We both deserved to lose. But for the second week in a row, I outlasted two studs on MNF. I may be 3-1, but my team is low-key trash. The only reason I won was due to Roberto's powerful hand at the dark arts, turning OBJ into Minnesota's fuckboy. Poogan is still waiting for manbeast Todd Gurley to break out, and I’m afraid it’s gonna be against me on Sunday. 

The Rick at Scroto Sackins -10.5

I was originally going to say I think this is going to be Rick’s week. Then I looked at his starting lineup. Yikes...You better conjure up something nasty, Ricky, you're going against the best team in the league doe. Beating Scott is like trying to tackle Greg Jennings.   

Scuba Sam at Mathias Kiwanuka -6

Our resident sensei is currently on pace for the lowest season point total of all time. Yes, even ahead of my 6-foot party sub cock sandwich from 2010, headlined by Beanie Wells. Scuba Sam’s scuba squad is averaging a blistering 79 points per game. Ew. 

Matt is in full-on tilt mode. Although, he's making the best of it by embracing his dark passenger and swinging win-now trades. Way to lean in, Matthew. 

GAME OF THE WEEK

Big Shot Bob at Dan The Man +1

SOOOOOOOO much dark voodoo has been tossed around, that this had to be the marquee matchup. Danny boy is starting 3 guys he picked up off waivers this week, including a rookie QB. Rob is starting a running back with sickle cell anemia. This might be an ugly game, but it’s the best game.  IT’S ROB. IT’S DAN. IT’S THE GAME OF THE WEEK.

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 4: Yeeeeehaaaw

I got this one done early because by Thursday afternoon, I’ll be 3 sheets to the wind down in Nashville, Tennessee. By kickoff, I’ll most likely donning a cowboy hat and speaking with a Southern drawl - or maybe just slurring my words.

Let’s get right down to brass tacks, gentlemen. To the lines!

Scott at Sam +2.5

Well that was one for the record books. Sam couldn’t crack 50 as he put up the 4th lowest score in Danzaville history. Congratulations, Sam.

Scott is atop the standings at 3-0 with Goose. Yes, I know, what you’re thinking, “who has Scott played? Look at his points against, he’s had a soft schedule.” Now you listen here, Scott’s got a cock like an Alaskan Bull Moose; it’s long, girthy, and covered with fur. And while that has nothing to do with anything, he can only beat who’s in front of him, and that’s exactly what he’s done. 

Steven Beavis at Rin Tin Tin -6

Beave’s staunch loyalty to the mediocre players he loves finally paid off, as Fuck Fuck Fleener had a big game. A sign of things to come, or a flash in the pan before reverting to his 1-catch-for-7-yards former-self? Rick has faced some steep competition and sits at an unlucky 0-3 as a result. It’s a mad world out there, Ricky…It’s a mad world… 

Romper Stomper at Dan the Man +1.5

Dan, I know you’re in 3rd place and you have a respectable point total thus far. But, I just looked, and your team kinda fucking stinks.

But you have two good defenses, which is nice. I think Roggleypoo is going to take the first leg of this season’s Hebrew Hammer Bowl, headlined by new RB1, Christine Michael. Named like a girl, runs like a man. Shabbat Shalom.

Matty Ice at Robertus Maximus -4

Despite drafting 4 show ponies with his first 4 picks, Matty is already down to 2. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s putting his fate this week on the feeble shoulders of Kirk Cousins. I don’t want to be in the Manchisi residence if things go downhill on Sunday. Rob arguably has more to be mad about than 0-3 Rick. He’s second in the league in points, but sits at a paltry 1-2. One more week til Brady comes back, and hopefully (for Rob) one more week of Tevin Coleman savaging touchdowns. 

GAME OF THE WEEK 

Goose at Paul -1

Oh my! Is that Goose in first place?!?! Why yes it is! At 3-0, He’s already surpassed his win total from last season! (Side note - going 2-11 takes a real special level of incompetence. Good job.) Well enjoy your super happy fun time while it lasts, baby bro. That’s all coming to an end this week. I couldn’t be more overcome with joy that it’s me who gets to go against the Great Goostano sans his Green Bay double-dip. 

Our teams are basically mirror images of each other. But I’m nervous about Monday night. You have two studs going (OBJ and Rudolph the red zone reindeer) and I’ll just be sitting idle, fervently refreshing our box score. But then again, that feeling when you grab hold for dear life on Monday Night with nobody going and come out with a win is a fantastic one. That feeling goes a little something like this:

I am nervous...but hopefully I’ll have a big enough lead when we get there… 

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 3: A Menagerie of Maladies and Beset Uncertainty

Gentlemen, we have our first trade of the year. The Brothers Manchisi consummated a deal that addressed the weaknesses of both sides. After neither of these sorry excuses for teams could break 80 points last week, they knew moves needed to be made. Although, we’ll probably look back on this and think it was like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.*

Week 2 came with a smattering of injuries to tailbacks throughout the league, with a throng of foggy depth charts following in its wake. This weekend’s shake out will determine who’s riding shotgun for offenses currently mired in murky situations, hopefully giving credence to all of my pickups.

*credit to Goose for making this joke after seeing the trade. I was doubly-impressed because I didn’t think he knew what the Titanic was.

To the lines!

Samurai at Beefcakes -4 

I know what you’re asking yourself, how can Beave be giving points? His team is a steamy heap of dogshit. He just traded his best performer of the young season, his first round pick is slated for a trip to the glue factory, and his new lead runningback is fat: 

Well his back is against the wall. It’s fuck-or-walk-time for the Beave. We’ll get to see what Jerick McKinnon can do and all I know is that it can’t be any worse than AP’s first two games. Plus, there’s the possibility Beave steals Sam’s phone and sabotages his lineup. The Battle of Arlington rages on. 

Big Shot Bob at Poogan, Biscuit King of Charleston -2.5

The previous two champs are meeting and this one looks like a toss-up to me. Rob is sending a message to his team by rolling out a new signal caller, my man, the petty king Phil Rivers.

Phenomenal managerial move by Rob. He’ll be slotted against a QB he’ll always be linked to, the mouth-breathing, two-time Super Bowl champ, Eli Manning.

Should be a captivating matchup. And perhaps this will be the breakout game for Todd Gurley. Perhaps. 

Scott’s Ass Horseshoes at Scott -3.5

I can’t remember what inspired Matt’s team name that he carried into this season, but here are some guesses:

-Scott got “lucky” when he played Matt, sending the latter on an expletive-laced tirade and name change to commemorate the occasion.

-Scott got too close to a pony on a trip to a farm last fall, one thing led to another, and it resulted in a horseshoe getting lodged in Scott’s anal cavity.

That’s it. Those are the only two explanations. You choose your reality.

Goostano at Danny boy Watnick -9

Goose gets to go against his own personal Danzaville boogeyman. In their 10 encounters, Dan is 8-2 (#statspage) against the junior Centopani brother. Both of these bozos are undefeated, but one’s clearly more impressive than the other. If Nicholootz is gonna knock Dan off his ivory tower, he’s gonna need a big Sunday afternoon from his Green Bay duo.

GAME OF THE WEEK

The Commish at The Rick -5.5

Come on, were you expecting anything else? This is the premier rivalry in Danzaville, fueled by follicular jealousy and mathematical anomaly – a 1-10 lifetime record is unsustainable, right? RIGHT??? This matchup will dictate my mood for the coming week and tone of the next commissioner note. Rick could easily be undefeated if the schedule broke differently, instead he stands winless through 2 weeks. Sometimes, life ain’t fair. I should know. Season after season, this is how I feel: 

Either way, there will be regression to the mean for one of us. We have a wager going for our season series, so I don’t even want to think about the heinous, unmentionable black magic curses and ritualistic sacrifices going on in Rick’s house as you read this. 

Random person: Hey Paul, if you had to choose between losing a finger or beating Rick this week, what would you pick? Me:

IT’S PAUL. IT’S RICK. IT’S GAME OF THE WEEK.

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 2: Half & Half

It was a tepid opening to the fantasy season. Lots of low scores and superstars putting up pedestrian stat lines. Week 2 will be the only point of the year when all 10 teams are split into diametric opposition; 1-0 or 0-1. With the microscopic sample size, you can talk yourself into anything. A good start and you already see delusions of grandeur. Your gold reflection smiling ear-to-ear as you uncork a bottle of champagne into the Danza Cup and press the cold metal to your lips. Lay an egg, then football sucks and the season may as well be over. We’ve a long way to go, boys and girls. Don’t let one game cloud your vision. What’s up now could soon be down. For the season is long and full of ACL tears…

The Rick at Dan -5

The war of attrition has begun. Dan had the first significant injury loss of the season, watching in horror as Keenan Allen shred his knee. If that wasn’t bad enough, Rick has been talking non-stop about how great Dan’s team is. Even saying verbatim, “that’s the best team I’ve ever seen,” and “golly gee wilikers, that team Dan put together sure is mighty gosh darn good.” I thought it was weird how much praise he was heaping on after only one week. I also thought it was weird that he was talking like a mid-19th century prospector. It wasn’t until I looked at the matchups that I realized why. The curse has been cast, Dan. I wish the best for the safety of your players.

Goose at Poogan -3

Goostano snuck by with a 91 point victory to kick himself off in the win column. While that’s a real trash W, Dominic Toretto, the all-American philosopher, has his own take on the matter:    

The Jolly Roger couldn’t get much going either, losing and also putting up 91 last week. And after his top pick, Todd Gurley, got bottled up on Monday night, he gets to face the daunting Seattle defense. I’m sure the Biscuit King can’t be thrilled with that one. Luckily, Goose’s team stinks.

Scooter at Big Shot Bob -4.5

One of them likes Animaniacs. One of them doesn’t like Animaniacs. Pick your side.

The Commish at Papa Khouv -1.5

Big question marks are circling Sam’s squad like a school of sharks; Is Jamaal coming back? Is Gronk going to play? Do sharks travel in schools? Will the Black Unicorn prance about in New England’s crisp September air, only adding insult to a literal injury?… Let me answer that last question with a visual –

It’s a yes. It’s always a yes.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Beavis at Matt -6.5

Ahh, the Battle of the Mancheesies. (I googled ‘mancheese’ in hopes to find a ridiculous picture for the game of the week and OH MY GOD DON’T GOOGLE MANCHEESE. DON’T FUCKING DO IT. SAVE YOURSELF.) Matt will look to avenge his Week 1 loss. Beave, in addition to that, to avenge a childhood of funny arms, wet willies, and Texas chili bowls. IT’S BEAVE. IT’S MATT. IT’S THE DANZAVILLE GAME OF THE WEEK.

[holdmeclosertonydanzaffl]

Week 1: Fearless Predictions and Opening Lines

We’re baaaaaaaaack. A new season has dawned. Hope springs eternal. All those sleepers you picked in the draft’s twilight are about to wake up and make you float above the crowd… Well, probably not. As I’m about to prognosticate, let me start off by reminding you, I don’t know anything. Despite any claims, I cannot actually predict the future. Exhibit A: last year I pegged Goose to make the finals and his team turned into a dumpster fire almost immediately. To call it a trainwreck would be an insult to trainwrecks. I also gave Poogan the lowest draft grade a season ago, and that throbbing hard-on is your reigning champ. (Though I’d still argue that his team wasn’t good.) It’s all just a guessing game given what I know at the moment and my feelings on your given players. Don’t take my insults personally.  

I don’t see anyone truly head and shoulders above the pack. Rather, a big middle section and a couple poopy teams. We start at the top:

Mathias Kiwanuka Manchisi. Despite Matt using his first four picks on runningbacks, he still put together a solid lineup, top to bottom. Maybe this will be the year he breaks the 2nd-place streak and takes the cake. Final record: 9-4

Rick, you think I give you bad grades because I don’t like you. While that may be true, I’ve given you bad grades because I’ve thought your team stinks. Objectivity is one of my better character traits. Having said that, I actually like your team this year. QB and TE are a little weak, but you’ve got some studs mixed in there too. 8-5

Roggen had the pleasure of having Todd Gurley falling into his lap at 5. AP over Gurley could be a watershed moment of this year’s proceedings. I’m a fan of Shady and the pass-catchers as well. One of these years Frank Gore is going to die on the field, but until then, he should continue to put up consistent numbers. 7-6

Coming into the draft, I was happy sitting at the 8 pick. I figured between Zeke, David Johnson, Le'Veon, and Lamar Miller, I’m coming away with AT LEAST 1 of those dudes in the first two rounds. Nope. Should have known I wouldn’t get any of them since I was sandwiched by all the crotchety elder statesmen. Then on the next go around, Lacy is there, Rawls, Charles…NOPE. Now I need to rely on notorious racist Chip Kelly to not ruin Carlos Hyde’s career. Luckily I’ve got 36 inches of cock between 3 receivers and nabbed my mascot/favorite player, the Black Unicorn, in the 14th. I’ll see you all in hell. 7-6

Sampel. Papa Khouv assembled a fine squad as he awaits Le'Veon’s grand return. As long as he can tread water until then and Rawls/Charles can play, he should be alright. 7-6

Danny boy Watnick is the perpetual contender. He flips players like he’s shorting stocks. He’s shrewd. He’ll offer you a few real shit trades at some point that will insult your intelligence. I think he’s going to be the speed horse out of the gate, then fade as the season progresses, settling juuuuuuuuust outside the playoff picture. Eat shit, Dan. 7-6

Butterscotch Dangle-angle-o, owner and proprietor of Scotty’s Bagels. Guy makes a fine bagel. Unfortunately for Scooter, he hasn’t come in a prize position since the inaugural voyage of the Danza league. For the Otter to buck that trend, Devonta Freeman needs to show that he’s no fluke, and needs to get a full season from the Forte-Murray-Foster troika. I’ll take the under. 6-7

Goose. Young Goose has a pair of big names coming off lost seasons, a reaaaaallllll tasty double dip, the underrated Delanie Walker, and some unreliable battering rams. Plus some high upside receivers waiting in the wing. But even with all that, I look at his team and it doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy. One of these years you’ll reach respectability. This year ain’t it. 6-7

Beave and Rob 4-9:

To the lines!

The Rick at Big Shot Bob +2

Mr. Miyagi at Daniel san  -7

Very happy I get to post two of these pictures this season.

Brothers Manchisi at Super Cento Bros. -5 (combined)

Look at the following pictures and tell me, am I wrong? 

vs

GAME OF THE WEEK

Scotty’s Bagels at Poogan, biscuit king of Charleston -4

As it being the opening week and we’ve yet to see what our guys can do, I chose GOTW based on who had the closest ESPN projection. Plus, the returning champ gets special treatment in the opener.