hockeyisdumb-and-iloveit

[hockeyisdumb-and-iloveit]

nhl teams as john mulaney quotes

habs: theyre a group of french assholes slowly taking over america humiliating audience members one by one ‘

yotes: 🎵and life is a fucking nightmare🎵

vgk: i’m new in town and it gets worse

canes: you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologise to you!

ducks: too old to be a duckling quack quack

blues:  They’re like ‘does that work?’ I’m like ‘it didn’t NOT work.’

leafs: eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.

kings:  it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

devs: i was just a young motown singer. i was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick. 

sens: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.

pens: you have the moral back bone of a chocolate eclair

oilers: hm gross. mop it up.

flyers: im really sorry about last night, it’s just that im mean and loud. it probably will happen again

preds:  He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled “SCATTER!”

caps: something happened here. you hope it was a miracle. probably not.

bruins: Would like an old turnip that we found in a cabinet?

avs: You ever have those days where something happens and you’re like… Whatever, this may as well happen?

stars: *mooing angrily*

isles: 28-year-old healthy man trying his best

sabres: With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7…

sharks: one dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half

bolts: and i thought ‘i’ve never climbed a fence that high before!’ and a woke up at home

wild:  cause you’re never too young to learn our national no snitching policy

rangers: its a grid system mother fucker!

cbj: she is so fucked up she calls the head the top part

canucks: we were a swell bunch of kids in group 2

jets: fuck. da. police.

wings: don’t get me wrong, i’m unhappy,

panthers: somoene took a shit on my dad’s computer

flames:  I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

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why are we not talking about this

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watch your language 👀 (03/17/18)

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he’s right and he should fucking say it

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so uh.... 

it turns out that my exterminator (we live against the mountains so it’s like... a routine thing) also does his thing at Oliver Ekman-Larsson’s house???? and a bunch of other NHL players??? 

what the heck???

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I love how in other sports if anybody starts fighting the refs or umps run over and try to break up the fight immediately but in hockey the refs just kinda stand back and watch like they’re angry toddlers or something

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Drunk Jakub Vrana with an NBC-provided camera is a national treasure.

(source)

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um

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I like how everybody is paired off haha

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Why do you think the yotes will be competing for a spot in the postseason? This is me asking for all the reasons lol

This might be my hottest of hot takes, but I have my reasons. Strap in, lads.

1. 2017-18 second half

Yeah, we all make fun of the Yotes and how absolutely terrible they are, but honestly? They put together a pretty solid back half of the season. From February-on, they went 17-12-3. That’s over .500, and for the Yotes that’s amazing, and very promising for next season. Personally, I believe they’ll be able to carry over that momentum and at least hover around .500.

2. Antti Raanta

Raanta has been nothing short of amazing. He finally got his chance to be a starter, played more games and more minutes than he ever had before, and he put up fantastic numbers. In 47 games, Raanta had a .930 save percentage and a 2.24 goals against average, which is amazing considering the team in front of him. He actually put up a winning record of 21-17-6, which, granted, is not as good as it could be, but again, consider the team. There’s also the eye test: I watched plenty of late-night Yotes games this year, and Raanta looked damn good, and fucking fired up. Every time they got a win, especially a close one, that man screamed in joy. He’s into it. Also, they recently signed him to another three years. He’s their goalie. If Raanta can get even more games next year and perform at this level again, he’ll drag that team kicking and screaming towards playoff contention.

3. 5th overall pick

The Yotes have the 5th overall pick in the 2018 NHL draft this year, and the player they choose could potentially immediately come onto the NHL roster next season and make a big impact on the team. They’ll just miss out on the big four of Dahlin/Svechnikov/Tkachuk/Zadina, but there are a number of good players behind them and the Yotes will have their pick of the crop. Likely candidates include Adam Boqvist (defenseman), Oliver Wahlstrom (forward), and Quinn Hughes (defenseman), all of whom would likely be great additions. The defense out there could probably use a bit of help, as it was struggling and also a number of them were old, so I can see them taking a d-man, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see them take Wahlstrom or another forward. Either way, that 5th overall pick could be huge to the Yotes’ success next year.

4. Youth

The Yotes currently have 9 players on their roster age 26 or younger. To me, youth = speed, and that can only help you in this league. A young team has the potential to grow and get better as a group and be good for awhile. Plus, who knows what young kids get drafted and/or make it out of camp from the AHL team that I can’t even see. The Yotes have the potential to be young and ferocious.

5. Galchenyuk addition

God I’m just so happy Alex Galchenyuk got the fuck out of Montreal. That city was downright toxic to him, and he has the chance to have a fresh start out in Arizona. Less media and less expectations could be just what he needs. And Galchenyuk has the chance to be an absolute star. Can you name a forward for the Yotes if you’re not a follower of the Yotes? Chances are the only name you can think of is Clayton Keller. Galchenyuk could be the star of that team. He has had 20 and 30 goal seasons in the past. He is a dynamic player. He is the kind of player that people come out in droves to see. If Galchenyuk regains some of his old form, he becomes the star of this team, and he leads the Coyotes offensively. The Coyotes definitely got the better end of that trade, and if he finds himself again, the entire dynamic of the Yotes is changed.

Add all these things together, maybe add a piece or two on defense and possibly offense as well, and the Yotes look kind of scary. I’m not saying they’ll win the divison, but I think they’ll compete for a postseason spot, and at the very least play .500 hockey. Of course, I could be incredibly wrong and they could pull a Yotes on me and suck ass all year, but I legitimately think they could maybe be a good team. Just think about it for a moment. I have no idea how competent the management is of this team, but if they pull some strings, they could surprise you this year. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

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people on twitter are like “max domi is pretty good though” and this isn’t about whether or not max domi is good. It’s that the habs have like no assets and they desperately need a centre or a defensemen. their BESt movable asset, alex galchenyuk, was used to get a different left winger that regardless if he’s secretly as good as Galch or not, does not have the value galchenyuk does. Like even if Domi was proven to be as good as Galch, it’d be a hilarius trade because the habs used one of their three good players, one of their two movable players, to get the one position they didn’t need to change!

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GET IT TRAVIS

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@ npatrick19: What a treat seeing salt bae live !!!

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i cant wait for macro images of kyle dubas wearing a backwards snapback while softly hollering at his baby in joy

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Hockey Players I Can Trust

So this is an ongoing list I’ve decided to make consisting of player who have spoken out against racism/sexism/homophobia/ect. I’m going to continuously be adding names as more come to light, and anyone is welcome to send me a message or an ask giving me more names to add or to dispute any you don’t agree with.

Take a look at my Hockey Players I Can’t Trust List as well. *Coming Soon*

Devante Smith-Pelly - He publicly denounced Trump for having a “racist and sexist” rhetoric.

Braden Holtby - Do I even need to say? Extremely active in the LGBT+ community. There are so many articles just look up “Braden Holtby LGBT” on google.

Brad Marchand - THIS. GUY. Love him. He is not taking anyone’s homophobic nonsense. Pretty much the whole team is just a bunch of stand up guys tbh.

*These were the first three people on my list and everyone I’ve talked to seems to strongly agree they belong here.

JT Brown aka my literal husband? - The first NHL player to take part in the national anthem protest to draw attention to racial injustice and police brutality. He also does a shit ton of community work on his own. He received a lot of death threats for this, but a lot of good came from it as well.

Henrik Lundqvist - He has been incredibly active in the LGBT+ community for years, so like Holtby, you can just look it up on google because there are so many article.

Henrik Zetterberg - Spoke out against Russia’s anti-gay propaganda laws leading up to the 2014 Olympics. Nothing by respect for my captain.

Sean Avery - This one was controversial, obviously. But he’s a huge LGBT advocate and that needs to be acknowledged.

Victor Hedman - Like Z, he spoke out against Russia’s laws as a member of Sweden’s hockey team leading up to the 2014 Olympic in Sochi.

Andrew Ference - (shout out to @nebulasarah for this suggestion) His twitter is a gift. He’s shown his support for the LGBT+ community and has spoken out against racism in the league, plus he’s super into the environment and always has been even when activism in hockey was even more unheard of. He doesn’t play anymore but recently became first director of social impact, growth and fan development. He basically said he doesn’t want the NHL to just be for old white men.

Again, if you have anymore names you think I should add or if there’s a name here you don’t think belongs, please feel free to let me know by either messaging me or sending me an ask.

*Special thanks to @evermoreeclipse for sending me quite a few names both for this list and its opposing one that will be up soon.

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“They can scratch my name off that cup, and I’d hand my ring back in right now if I could go back and make it so that I wouldn’t have had to experience all this pain and sorrow and anger and sadness.I’d make that tradeoff in a heartbeat.”