heyitsjaxx

[heyitsjaxx]

No one:

Mississippians when there’s a slight chance of any winter weather:

I can feel the ice crystals in my blood. My vision is frosty. My breath is pure mint. I am becoming a cube of frozen H20 someone help.

[heyitsjaxx]

I love talking to old ladies. They always give off such a uplifting and empowering vibe.

Old woman: “Oh deary, don’t be worried about the future.” “How can you worry about something you know nothing about?” “The past is irrelevant.” “The present is never ending.”

Me: Wow, you know a lot about time and existentialism. You’re so wise.

Old woman: “I surely do.” “For example, you’ll die eating a new food that you didn’t realize you were deathly allergic to.”

Me: What

Old woman: “Eat your tangerine, baby.”

[heyitsjaxx]

I was playing PUBG with my boyfriend one night. He’d had a pretty hard week and wanted to wind down with some kill shots. I’m normally really bad at battle royale type games, but I wanted to impress him.

I had a really good scope and a very powerful gun. I saw a guy right outside the house me and my boyfriend were sniping from. This player was giving me a crystal clear shot. My adrenaline started plowing through my veins. A mixture of excitement for a potential kill and in turn potential praise from my lover. I couldn’t stand it. I lined up the crosshairs of my scope on the unsuspecting player. I had him. I readied myself to pull the trigger, thumb hovering over the button. I pressed it firmly.

I pressed the wrong button and jumped out the window.

[heyitsjaxx]

Comforting my friends when they were sad when I was 14: You are freaking precious. You are a blessing. YOU ARE GORGEOUS. Don’t listen to those voices in your head. They’re jealous of you. They want to be you, but they can’t because you’re the one in control of your life. I love you dude. 💕♥️💕♥️💕♥️💕😍

Me now barely having serotonin to function:

I’m severely depressed because all of the trauma this year has severely worsened my undiagnosed mental illness.

That’s a whole ass mood bro

U wanna play cod

I’m crying.

That’s ok u can mute ur mic

[heyitsjaxx]

Me to myself: Not everything is about you. Just because someone you know is having a problem does not mean it’s you.

My boyfriend: I can’t come over something came up.

Me:

It’s because of my earwax I fucking knew it

What

[heyitsjaxx]

ACT Guidelines: “You may bring your electronic devices as long as they are turned off and placed away during test times.”

Me: Reasonable.

ACT Guidelines: “You cannot pull them out during break.” “If you do your device will be confiscated.”

Me: But what if my Mommy texted me.

[heyitsjaxx]

I’m in the ghetto trying to peacefully drive through.

A group of gangsters look in my direction.

I start to sweat profusely.

My radio is quietly playing Britney Spears.

I get possessed by my inner white boy white boy genes.

I scream out “Hit me baby one more time.”

I get a cap to the head.

I perish in Chicago.

[heyitsjaxx]

Had a dream last night I was in a school play dedicated to American patriotism. I was chosen to raise the play curtains and to be one of the people to salute to the flag. Instead of doing each task separately like how normal logic would work, there were two of me. They were clones.

If that’s not American patriotism I don’t know what is.

[heyitsjaxx]

My aunt owns a store in one of our small towns. I was staying with her this past autumn and was working as a part time cashier. This guy walks up to me and this is how it went.

Me: Hey! How can I help you?

Guy: *hands me this ginormous heavily used sonic cup* Unsweet tea, lots of ice.

Me: Uh ok

*fills cup and hands it back*

Him: More

Me: W-What

Him:

Ice

[heyitsjaxx]

Mom: Why don’t you wear makeup more? Boys won’t like you if you don’t wear makeup.

Me: Aw jeez ok

Boyfriend: Why are you wearing makeup? I like you natural.

Me: Aw jeez ok

[heyitsjaxx]

Me: *trying to express my love* You’re so stupid

My boyfriend: Thank you

Me:

*heart skips a beat* You’re really stupid like a total dumb bitch ass-

[heyitsjaxx]

My Weatherman- “Get ready to die tomorrow.”

Me- “ok.”

*packs all my possessions and grabs necessities.*

*Day of reckoning arrives*

My Weatherman- “Death is right on your doorstep.”

Me: *looks outside* “What but it’s only-.”

My Weatherman- “Death is on your doorstep-“

Me: “But it’s rain-.”

My Weatherman- *distorted*

De a T H iS on yOur dOoRs-sTep.”

Me: “IT’S RAIN.”

[heyitsjaxx]

Real Talk:

Does anyone actually wear pjs?

We talk about it so much in the media and the entertainment industry, but are we actually doing it?

I know I’m not. Heck I don’t have 4.5 seconds to put on comfortable clothes I will sleep in my t-shirt from today.

[heyitsjaxx]

If you had a pissin’ match with yourself would you be peed off or teed off.

[heyitsjaxx]

Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?”

“Uh you know I jumped out the whip on my ex and then I hit him with a lil Nae nae and then I locked up and now I can’t quit doing the Nae Nae so.”

Doctor: “Well I think I’ve reached a diagnosis.”

*puts on shades*

“Get Nae Nae’d...OHH AHHH-.”

“OH NO-“

[heyitsjaxx]

*kicks a rock*

“Haha lil biatch.”

[heyitsjaxx]

Everyone: Callie where’s your boyfriend?

Me loudly eating Hostess cupcakes-

“MY WHAT- “