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hellosensitivity · 3 years

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내 불안한 마음도 ( For my insecure heart ) 위태로운 모습도 ( For my unstable self ) 미안해 ( I'm sorry ) 미안해 ( I'm sorry ) 이런 날 용서해줘 ( Please forgive me ) 내 마음이 내 마음대로 잘 안 돼 ( My heart won't beat the way I want it to ) 좀 기댈 게 ( Can I rest my head on your shoulder? )

내가 ( It's because ) 못된 것만 배워서 그래 ( I only learned how to be bad ) 못된 짓만 골라서 했네 ( I did horrible things ) 이런 내가 미워 ( I hate who I am ) 나도 착하게 살고 싶었는데 ( I wanted so badly to be good but— ) 너무 많이 다쳐서 그래 ( It's because I've been hurt too many times ) 너무 많이 속아서 그래 ( It's because I've been lied to too many times ) 나도 이러긴 싫어 ( I don't want to be like this either ) 웃고 싶어 ( I want to smile ) 근데 그게 잘 안 돼 ( I try but I can't )

사랑을 잘 몰라서 ( Because I don't understand love ) 아직도 잘 몰라서 ( I still don't understand love ) 그래서 그래 (그래) ( That is why ) 그래서 그래 (그래) ( That is why ) 네 마음을 잘 몰라서 ( Because I don't understand you ) 내 마음도 잘 몰라서 ( And I don't understand me ) 그래서 그래 ( That is why ) 내가 나라서 그래 ( It’s because I'm me )

살기 위해 ( I did it to live ) 웃기 위해 ( I did it to smile ) 나를 위해 ( I did it for me ) 그랬어 ( Because— ) 살기 위해 ( I did it to live ) 웃기 위해 ( I did it to smile ) 다 너를 위해 ( I did it to smile ) 그랬어 ( Because— ) 그랬어 ( Because— )

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hellosensitivity · 4 years

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‘i don’t know it just is’, selfishness and regret

Oct 5th, 2020

2006 was when we first engaged contact. Both, freshman in High School. Every interaction would begin with a playful punch to the arm. When I least expected it, you would be sure to put a little extra “umpf” into the punch. There were definitely times where it would hurt, but maybe “love is pain” (cue: “BIGBANG - Lies”, legendary song btw). Neither of us minded it. If anything, it always brought a smile to our face. It was one of the things I looked forward to the most during school days, within the ~11 minute gap in between our six class periods days. I didn’t think much of it at the time besides cherish the moment. This went on for a good ~2 years. You had a boyfriend at the time. I had a crush on another girl on the Badminton team we were on. Since she was the best girl player on the team, I spent A LOT of time improving my Badminton game so I could be the best guy player to impress her. It was some crazy long-con and oh so naïve idea I had that didn’t get me very far. We went on about our days and continued to grow up.

Around March 2008, was when I first had developed some very real feelings. You had broken up with your boyfriend, but kept calm and carried on.

I liked everything about you. Personality, looks, sense of humor, ambition, dedication, selflessness, the list goes on. In my eyes, you were truly perfect.

I had no idea how to express myself. Somehow, I mustered up the courage to say that “I like you” and she simply said “oh... i didn’t know that”. I asked her if it made her awkward, but she said “no”. She asked the same back and I said “yeah”, but she said “don’t be!”. The exchange ended there. Things continued to be casual.

We would always meetup in between periods, and walk to class together. I would try and throw in nice compliments and say things like “you’re pretty today”.

We would share the same math book because we had the same math class. I would have notecards in as placeholders / to put my notes on. One day, I open my book and see that my notes were drawn all over by her. She drew little cute drawings and so I would write / draw things back with her. It went back and forth for like 3 days since it happened the week before finals.

Going into the Summer break and beginning of our Senior year, was me talking to a lot of close friends about managing all my emotions, reading into the situations, and figuring out what to do.

Fast forward to Spring 2019, and I had asked you if we could turn our friendship into something more. You politely mentioned that you had to wait until college before dating. “No big deal”, I thought. I’ll just wait it out. “Hopefully, we get into the same college”. We continued to be friends and continued add to our list of great memories.

Little did I know, came the breaking point.

Prior to graduation, there were rumors of you and another guy seeing each other. It ended up being true. I couldn’t help but feel led-on and betrayed. It was a huge turning point in my mental well-being. My first real heartbreak even though we weren’t actually dating. Where did it go wrong? Why did this happen to me? Why am I like this? Questions that I thought about for years to come. Rejection was painful.

I started to ignore you, and you took notice. You didn’t have the courage to confront me about it, because you’re not the confrontational type. Eventually, enough of our friends convinced me to talk to you about the entire ordeal because we were both hurting.

We talked. You had told me that I was one of the best guy friends ever, and that you regret making me feel the way I felt. You never intended to break my heart and felt 100% guilty. You hoped that we could become friends again and that we could get passed this, and that you missed me. You said it would be okay if I didn’t agree, and losing me as a friend would become one of the biggest regrets of your life. I decided that, yes, we could rebuild that strong friendship we had again. At the end of that day, we exchanged hugs and smiles.

I lied. The very next day, I was still in utter pain from it all. I continued to ignore you. I felt like you didn’t deserve a friend like me. I didn’t know how to control my emotions and let it consume me. I just wanted to run away as far as I can. I was selfish.

Soon, we graduated and went our separate ways.

Years pass, and there were few occasions where us crossing paths again became very real. I did everything in my power to avoid it.

A lot of my decisions, things that I involved myself in, and where I am at now, were because of what we had gone through. This single series of events shaped me into who I am today. I was desperate for an escape from all this pain. This would continue even til this day, and no end appears to be in sight.

Looking back at it, I was 100% at fault. I was caught in my own emotions and threw away our friendship. Instead of preserving what we had, I left you with regret. I’m sorry.

This sounds like something out of a fairy tale, no joke (or no “cap” if I’m trying to stay with the times). A lot of people say, what happens in High School doesn’t even matter. We’re young and just still figuring it out. But, this is something I held dear to my heart, and has shaped me to be the person who I’ve become the past 10+ years. I feel like I’m paying the price now. My life has been filled with episodes of depression, and anxiety ever since. I deserve it for being such a shitty friend. Knowing you, you’d want me to overcome and get through this. I’m trying my best. It’ll come someday.

I always think about this from time to time, no matter what is going on. I don’t know what it was exactly, but being around you always made me happy. Anytime I ask myself when I was ever the most happiest, it was our friendship. I miss it.

Fast forward to Oct 4th, 2020. I discovered two songs:

eaJ x Seori - It just is (feat. Keshi’s Strat)

CHUNG HA & Christopher - Bad Boy

As I drowned myself in these two songs, I had a flashback of all those good memories we had (it sounds cheesy, I know. But, its the truth). The lyrics from both songs just really hit home. Even though we had a falling out, I still feel like you were one of the most complete and near perfect people I’ve ever met. I don’t think I could ever say anything bad about you, despite how I felt. These two songs remind me of the vivid memories I had of us.

It was around the time where “Wong Fu” was making a name for itself. They had just released “Just a Nice Guy”. This was around the time where we would listen to / share K-Pop music from BIGBANG, Girls Generation, Super Junior, Wonder Girls, Epik High, DBSK, etc, because it was a topic of interest we shared. You also introduced me to the Mando-Pop singer, Rainie Yang, who I still re-visit and listen until this day. I remember watching the Asian dramas: “Why Why Love” and “Boys before Flowers” because you recommended them to me.

I woke up on Oct 5th, 2020 to a Facebook notification about you. Coincidentally, I had taken the day off, and was inspired to write all of this.

Thanks for the great memories, and life experiences.

Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for only thinking of my feelings and not yours.

Sorry for throwing away our friendship.

Sorry for being one of the biggest things you regret losing in life. I regret it too.

Regardless, it’s been ~11 years and you seem to have got life figured out. You’re starting a family and on your way to become very successful in your career. I’m very happy for you.

Here’s to a life long wish of continued happiness to you and everyone you love.

Happy Birthday B.

Sincerely,

a memory.

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