hatredbornnarcissism

[hatredbornnarcissism]

noooo I'm not eating you babe I'm just chewing a little

like c'mon it's not the same

just a little chew

like yea maybe borderline cannibalism but my tummy isn't bein' filled so it doesn't count jus lemme chew you a lil

[hatredbornnarcissism]

All I want is you. Touch me, feel me, hear me, see me, please. Look at me and only me, have me as what you hiare to me. I want you. To yearn for me, beg for me, yearn for me. Need me. Gasp without me, blind without me, deaf without me, restless and empty without me. But you're not. I hate it. This one-sided greed, love, obsession. I need you to see me fall, let me tear into you and rip at myself and still love me. It hurts, it hurts so much, why won't you just need me?

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. See me. Look at me. Hear me. Look at me. Feel me. Look at me.

[hatredbornnarcissism]

To be alive is to be so utterly ruined for anyone except myself. Each day is it’s own toll, chipping away until i can only look myself in the eye. So drained and empty yet filled with craving so engraved in my own being only i can satisfy. Except i’m never truly satisfied, how can one complete themselves? I will never be whole, a mess of contradictions and hypocrisy. I can only love myself, i can only hate myself, there is no other path in the eyes of the extinguished. Love so much it’s overwhelming and pours over, overfilling and extending itself unkindly, hate so much it breaks and carves and caves and chokes. Love so heavy i want nothing but to escape my own hubris and sink in that hate such a dull ache it’s comfortable. But this love so unconditional and all encompassing i want nothing but to dwell in it knowing it will never leave me, let it flood my every sense. Forever accept myself as i am, flaws, cracks, disgust, and hateful, as i am. Love as i am, hate what i will always be.

[hatredbornnarcissism]

My dissonance between Mind, Body and Soul is no longer jarring and now a comfort I seek and indulge. Seep into the gaps of myself, claw bare each seam to simply gaze upon. Drown deeper in myself. Become lost in what I've found but will never reach. Mask the cracks that will never repair. I will never be complete and I have come to love and forgive that. Burying resentment. I will forever remain separated amongst my own ideals and imaginations, many as one and adore the lives that are 'mine'.

[hatredbornnarcissism]

Your touch is so warm, so hot, it almost sears through my flesh, when you hold me so gently. You taste so sweet, nauseatingly sweet - my throat clogs as my stomach rolls, when you trace the trail of blood back into my mouth with your tongue and lips and whisper to me so tenderly.  You always kissed with the taste of iron and always spoke of me so dearly with lips smeared in red like lipstick. Fingers pushed into bruises, teeth dug deep and reopened still healing wounds, and it became addictive because you looked at me like that. In awe, like I was made of gold and diamond, and mapped my body just as delicately. You made me feel loved. Made me know that I could never live without you, no matter how many times you make me bleed and cry and shake and break. Because you love me.

[hatredbornnarcissism]

Some of the things that run through my head

Romanticising myself, expression of love and hate for myself as well as longing for humanity and normalcy

no one who reaches this here is allowed to police my self expression. Leave.