hallofpain - Tumblr blog

[hallofpain]

Gilded Cage

i wish i was allowed to be angry i want to yell like my father hit things like my brothers stomp, slam doors, storm out of the house

of course i'm scolded when i do any of it its "rude" and im not allowed like women having emotions are forbidden like I'm a bad daughter when i dont have sunshine coming out of my ass

so i turn it all inside drink hot sauce, run barefoot, hold ice until my skin numbs anything to burn stronger than my rage anything to keep it in for just another day

i want to unhinge my jaw and scream i want to punch holes in the drywall i want to flip my dad off when he's being a jerk i want to chuck bottles at the ground and watch them break

i want to be anywhere but this guilded cage

[hallofpain]

did you know that you can hear thunder on the radio?

my brother understands why, Something about signals and waves and electromagnetics

but all I can think about is divine wrath splitting the atmosphere so fully it even splits apart broadcasts and messages and radio static

I started watching thunderstorms on the front porch with our old weather radio in hand tuning it to an empty channel counting the seconds after each flash of lightning until i could hear its corresponding boom and crackle come through

i think that's the closest ive ever gotten to divinity like i could feel the ghosts reaching their fingers through the speakers and the static and the lightning making patterns like a croaking undead dirge ive never felt more human, more small its the same in sea and sky and abyssal space rolling waves of nothing parted by the occasional round of untamable forces bursting at the seams i think thats why i love the rain and the storms and all the weather people think is bad it makes me feel at home on this quaint little planet of ours

[hallofpain]

and it always comes back

to your willingness

to destroy yourself

for the slightest chance

that someone might

care enough to stop you.

-mars

[hallofpain]

Waiting to Implode

I hate the feeling of eyes on my back More than almost anything else I know it's my burden to bear Inescapable, just like Atlas My fate to take it until I can't take it anymore Every time I hear the door open It's the crack of the whip The lashings I've earned Hearing the voices over my shoulder As the noose tightens As the sky crushes me towards the earth Second by excruciating second But I can't help wanting to stop it Barricade the door, stab their eyes out, I don't care Drop the sky and let the world end for a quiet second alone The trouble is I know there's a way out And I'm too much of a coward to take it So whatever happens next is my fault And however much I hate it is my problem And it never gets easier Every time I try for a deep breath I hear another rib snap Under the pressure

[hallofpain]

Picking at Scabs

there's blood all over my clothes and clothes all over my floor my head's never been such a mess crying behind the room's closed door

I know i can wash it all away fill my mouth with something sweet but I don't know if I deserve the distraction of a consolation treat

it's fine enough that I can bear to smile and joke and laugh a bit alone I let it fall apart let my cracking facade take the hit

maybe tomorrow ill find the guts to get the peroxide and have at the cuts

[hallofpain]

Remember that one Pete Wentz poem in From Under The Cork Tree? Me too.

From day one I talked about getting out But not forgetting about How my worst fears are letting out He said why put a new address On the same old loneliness When breathing just passes the time Until we all just get old and die Now talking's just a waste of breath And living's just a waste of death And why put a new address On the same old loneliness And this is you and me And me and you Until we've got NOTHING LEFT

[hallofpain]

Monochrome

Some days I don't even have the energy for black and white Everything fades to shades of gray And all I can do is fade with it Until I'm not sure I'm really here at all Translucent and despondent Waiting for things to matter again But I don't know if they ever will