hainkamana

[hainkamana]

It's 43°C outside and not a single drop of water from the faucet for the last five days. This is the kind of monstrosity most Filipinos have to suffer through on top of being stuck ay home. I wish it would rain just for a wee bit so we can collect some water from the rain since the MCWD seems relentlessly hopeless. Covid-19 also requires we practice proper hygiene periodically needing to wash hands every so often. How do we do that without water? This means we really need to work on improving our resources not just at home but in commercial and public spaces. Urban planning and architecture need to up the ante in ensuring rainwater collection facilities are mainstreamed. We can be more proactively in adjusting to the new normal. Pero sa totoo last year wala pang Covid-19 ganito na rin kapag summer. Climate change is no joke. Our water sources are drying up.

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Excerpt from an interview with Anais Nin “Question: I am interested in so many things, and I have a terrible fear because my mother keeps telling me that I'm just going to be exploring the rest of my life and never get anything done. But I find it really hard to set my ways and say, "Well, do I want to do this, or should I try to exploit that, or should I escape and completely do one thing?" Anaïs Nin: One word I would banish from the dictionary is 'escape.' Just banish that and you'll be fine. Because that word has been misused regarding anybody who wanted to move away from a certain spot and wanted to grow. He was an escapist. You know if you forget that word you will have a much easier time. Also you're in the prime, the beginning of your life; you should experiment with everything, try everything.... We are taught all these dichotomies, and I only learned later that they could work in harmony. We have created false dichotomies; we create false ambivalences, and very painful one's sometimes -the feeling that we have to choose. But I think at one point we finally realize, sometimes subconsciously, whether or not we are really fitted for what we try and if it's what we want to do. You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you're not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn't a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now.”

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"The first thing I do when all of this is over is go home."

To be stranded in another city through all of this is twice as difficult. Without a family to support me, I need to tend to my own needs alone: do my laundry, cook, collect water, clean the house, wash dishes, fight insect infestation or simply make sure not to set the place on fire.

I've been on this planet long enough to manage all of that by myself. But as they say, it takes a village to keep a home in top shape. It also takes a village to keep a person sane. I'm sure someone said that somewhere.

For a while I found it hard to understand my restlessness. There was so much time in my hands but I couldn't figure why I couldn't get a lot of things done. Nevermind the "hobbies" people suggest I can now revisit. I do not function the same way.

I read a post on Facebook about how all of this feeling is from what is called a collective grief: we pine for the lives we lost literally and figuratively. We constantly struggle to deal with the very real possibility that things are not going to be like the way they used to.

No more crowds in offices, schools, places of worship, concerts, restaurants, coffee shops, malls, or public transportation. And even then we ask, how is that all possible when our population is swelling so bad that crowds are the only way to exist. Our economy thrives in the inconveniences of crowds. But now the new world is demanding a change.

Part of me refuses to embrace that this complete overhaul of existence. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too much of a romantic, holding on to something I can't obviously return to.

Some people adjust to this change better than others, if at all. If you have been living on the comfort of being able to afford basic commodities, a car, a stable salary, paid help, then the shift isn't all too painful. You can probably afford a therapist too, to manage whatever anxiety you must be feeling.

You will be okay.

But in a population with most are just a few clicks above or below the poverty line, you wonder what this change will require for them?

The sacrifices will range. For others it would just mean giving up gym membership or cutting back on the fastfood and coffee. To make ends meet, parents would need two to three jobs--- side hustles, if you will. Some would need to sell their house so they can afford to pay off loans. Some would need to stop school.

This experiences has excacerbated the existing inequalities for all the world to finally see. Perhaps a way to also realize that for a long time, we haven't been okay.

A great indicator of privilege now is to ask whether you are angry and what you are angry about. The best indicator of your humanity is to ask further: what do I do with this privilege?

Some people excitedly make plans about the first things they would do once this nightmare goes away. To meet up or celebrate in a way that the old world used to require without really realizing that the rules of the game have changed.

Maybe it's denial. Maybe a lack of imagination. Whatever it is, my goal remains the same.

The first thing I do when all of this is over is go home.

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We get so caught up in doing things one particular way: get to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids and grandkids, retire and then peacefully depart. But we really need to get used to detours. If this pandemic is not an example of an epic detour, I don't know what is. Fact is, you are already delayed and you will need to do a lot of catching up. What we need to remember is there is more to learn in overcoming detours than following a straight picture-perfect path. Pace yourself. Enjoy the ride. Don't let the world rush you.

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I used to think I was good with people. Not great. But good. This year was proof that life has more surprises than I care to expect, especially when it comes to my relationships with others and with myself. I learned that people can change, freakishly, even over a short span of time; that you'd come to love and hate and miss them in an unusual but almost repetitive pattern. This also applies to feelings I have toward myself. Imagine being constantly around that flip-flop between loathe and even more loathe for self? I give credit to The Fred for not being afraid of getting swallowed into that hole. (Perhaps he didn't know there's a way out!). In other cases, I'm just plain wrong about people. We all put our best foot forward but later on reveal our inner crazy. Much later, circumstances reveal whose crazy syncs with whom. But there's a sadness in realizing those connections don't always last. I guess there's consolation in knowing you have a handful of relationships that stood the test of time. In which case, you'll be stuck with oddballs your blessed with so better try your very best to keep them.

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"Our stories are not meant for everyone."

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May bago na daw siyang mahal at dahil wala naman daw ako doon, sila nalang daw mag-date. (at Guitar Master)

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Hello Danggit! (at Tabo-an Public Market)

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Tonight three things caught me. First, a jeepney driver who referred to a woman passenger as "ganda" to which I rolled my eyes but after a few minutes called man passenger "gwapo" so that I had to unroll my eyes and smile. Second, a young girl standing in the shadows of a newly closed sari-sari store with her right fist clenched in front of her, as if holding a mic, while her friend, another young girl, sat as her audience. Third, a traffic enforcer walked into a carenderia. With a tired voice he said "laing ulit...para maiba naman" exhaling all his exhaustion and comfortably sat himself alone on the wooden bench by an empty table. Truly, the daily commute through the streets of Manila never ceases to amaze. Every corner is a peek into an overlooked yet intriguing second of someone else's life.

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Biyernes. Pauso. Katipunan.

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"13 reasons why" is a good way to bring back (again and again) the conversation on bullying and the fact that the most important issue continues to be how adults misunderstand their role and the damage inaction can do to a child. But I agree with those who have warned that it could be a trigger for those going through depression. After binge watching the first season, I had a nightmare which compiled my experiences on bullying when I was a kid. Also featured were microagressions which, I believe, have knotted around my ankles like molten rock. As adults, some of us seem to think that bullying in those formative years is a phase kids outgrow; that it's a good way to get thick skin and be ready for the gut wrenching reality of life. But take a bit of time to think about it. Do we really get over those bruises?

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I miss Bantayan and the migraines I get at the sight of this.

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A few feet from where our motorboat docked, men and women gathered around a freshly butchered pig, waiting for their share. Children where racing against each other along the side of the river;later jumping on the boat and then off again into the water. I forgot the name of the community but I remember how amused I was. That's how simple life was in Northern Samar. Here a young man washes blood off a bolo they used on the pig. On that sidr of the river, red was flowing into a bit of brown water. Haunting sight for such a quiet river.

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Most things only make sense backwards. Have faith in the process. Also, *yakap*. #notetoself

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Without irrigation, the farms aren't well-maintained and yield remains low. Traditional methods of farming have not adapted to the crazy changes in climate. Poor farmers remain poor. (at Laoang, Northern Samar)

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Among the best sundates are museum sundates. ;) (at National Museum of Anthropology, Manila)

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at Sto. Niño Church, Tacloban City