gothicrosedoll

[gothicrosedoll]

Loving an addict will surely be some of the most self inflicted pain of your life.

You want so badly to believe that they really mean it this time. But then, you wake up to find no car in your driveway and you see that your keys are gone too. It’s like this pitting,horrible feeling inside of your stomach. This deep feeling of a frog inside of your throat. Maybe that is what it feels like when people say that their heart is breaking.

But sadly this addiction, is not really him. It is not really him I have to remind myself because if I do not, the pain of betrayal from the person you’ve given your heart to, this pain could kill me if I let it.

I have to tell myself that this is his conscious mind thinking whatever our subconscious mind has taken control of. I myself am on my own journey to personal recovery. I am days away from passing my nursing final and finally becoming an RN. I do not judge anyone’s troubles, demons or set backs because we do not live in a perfect world and let’s face it, this world can be very cruel when it takes over uou life. There are many beautiful days that lie before us, but when the world takes us down, if we can’t find peace within ourselves to find our demons, we will never survive this madness.

I took it up one myself for my own recovery to fight my own demons with hypnosis therapy. I believe that even with just one session, it may have just changed my life forever. I want to be a good example for you. You too have seen me at my first and don’t we deserve a shot at a beautiful life together?

Recently, I have started a more holistic approach to my own recovery. A JOURNEY of treatment via hypnosis therapy.

The subconscious mind has so much power in that, it can and will completely take us over telling our conscious mind which then tells us that it’s okay for us to let our lives spiral out of control. It tells us It’s okay to lose all of our money, to make excuses why you need to numb the pain, that the reality of perception is not real. Your subconscious mind promises you freedom, then tells you to listen, and that:

“It’s okay to burn your house down, now sit there, smile and watch it slowly burn.”

You knew damn well, that I was in that burning house when you set fire to it.

& you know damn well still as watching the flames grow dangerously, that I am still in there. Not safe but sleeping softly in our bed.

and will not make it out alive.

As you watch, you grin at the hauntingly beautiful picture of the amber embers flame.

The embers glow so beautiful & bright, haunted as the love I have always selflessly given for you.

When we give up on ourselves, we give up on our family too. You don’t know how much you selfishly hurt the people who have always fought for you, even when we couldn’t fight for ourselves.

We give up on the people that have loved us the most.

Cowardly, we make the decisions to continue running away from our problems, stresses and struggles by numbing the pain.

Whatever scares us, we run and numb.

We are all in pain.

You can’t handle pain my darling. You chose feel no emotion, no remorse.

The lying hurts. It’s the worst thing you can do to a woman who loves you and stands by your side.

What concerns me more is are sneaky. You are sneaky like a snake slithering into our Garden of Eden. 🌿����

My own life is still spiraling out of control but at least I’m fighting to become the best version of my inner self and gifts and talents.

My mind too is my burden, like it is for you my darling. I thought we were in this together as a team and that’s the kind of hurt that you don’t forget.

If you have no respect, then we have nothing because respect is everything. With no respect, there is nothing to grow here anymore.

Growing takes times and love and patience. Most importantly, it takes a lot of honesty, kindness, RESPECT and love to grow in a better environment then the one you’ve found yourself trapped in for so long.

It is hard, but it is not impossible. Nothing is impossible and only WE have the power to manifest our dreams.

It took a lot of my own trauma & forgiveness to myself to start on my path to recovery.

I do not judge you ever my darling, but today I have been reminded of how selfish you are.

Reminded how you selfishly choose your drugs over me.

I thought we were passed this.

I always believe in you.... until today.

It was your choice to get high, & it was your choice to do this, something that you know would hurt me very deep.

At my weakest point.

It makes my skin crawl that you can be so FUCKING sneaky.

Snakes are not welcome here. Negative energy is not welcome into my heart and heart.

I have been reminded today as my spirits guides have whispered to me,

“Beware of the false prophets. They come to you come in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.” -Mathew 7:15

Maybe this is why it hurts so much. You distract me from myself. And you know how it fucks me up when you fall. I fall with you just as I thought you fell for me.

When someone does this so selfishly to you, addict or not, They know the aftermath and what it does to you, which comes with concern for not them but us.

In other words, it’s just another way for them to say:

IDONTGIVEAFUCK.

About you, anything else or even myself.

Fuck, I would like to feel euphoric too, shouldn’t we all? That’s the difference between someone who is an actual addict.

The addiction, it is not really them and that’s the worst part, like loving Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I want to shout at you and scream, but I know how that goes. You would use it against me, say that I’m crazy and probably leave.

I see now that you have no ties to me, you do not love me or care for my well-being at all.

When there were no flowers on my birthday a few days ago, I was just so grateful for those 60 dollar headphones you bought for because you told me you had no money. That didn’t matter, I was grateful. I believed you.

But less than a week later, you spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars that we need for survival. You couldn’t buy me flowers which you have never given me but you go and spend 700 dollars on the drug of your choice ?

Heartbreaking.

Tuesday is going to be the biggest day of my life on my final exam and future of becoming an RN.

I have worked so hard for this, why now? Seriously? Can you not handle life either? Well neither can I but I have no choice to run.

I have to fight.

You give up on us when you chose to get fucked up over choosing to keep our home safe, peaceful and free of sin.

But your sins have become my reality and for that, I too have sinned. You have no remorse on how you make the people that love you the most, feel. It hurts but we try to brush it off and move forward, but IT HURTS. I’ve watched you lie to your mothers, knowing damn well you love her more than anything. I watched so many times how you did this to your mother, and I so foolishly love you so madly, that I knew it would end up becoming my reality. How can you not think about your actions after we have been through so much? You aren’t selfish but your lies, they eat me from the inside out. You don’t believe in my magic, you never have. Just know, that I see all, feel all and know when something is not right. I thought you were smarter than the poor actions you choose for yourself inside of actually fighting your fears. Since I am in recovery myself it makes me angry that you stepped out on us, on me. We worked so hard to get here, how could you do this to us? Our home has been sacred for longer than it’s been, and you drove right out of here and followed the road to sin.

[gothicrosedoll]

“Sometimes you’re not cut out to be the you that you have in your mind.” - Unknown

[gothicrosedoll]

I’ve found you, sparkling beauty, hidden beyond emerald doors. There is no magic quite like her, this gypsy born before. She’s the one that takes the pain from you, and heals you from them all.

[gothicrosedoll]

It was in that moment, I could not speak of it. You have to understand I couldn’t speak. I was trapped inside but determined to crawl out of this hell. I didn’t mean to hurt you, these things I won’t forget. I can’t help that I am drowning, haven’t sunk yet. I could see the look on your face when you realized what an angelic monster you made. Let the wolves know I am home. 🪦🥀