gotanumbrellabigenougfortwo-blog

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Warning this is long, read if you wanna know what's up with me

I've been thinking a lot lately about myself in relation to those around me. I've been feeling a weird sort of empty. I have this necessity to pour myself into others, it feels good to give my affections and resources to the people I care about. However I feel sad sometimes and sort of lacking, because that giving isn't often reciprocated back at me to the same degree. I don't think this is because people don't care about me. I'm a very affectionate person and have access to resources and experiences that maybe my peers don't. So I think maybe people just don't express their love in the same way that I do, and in the ways that I am wanting them to. Today I practiced driving, got to see my grandma, spoke in Spanish with her and her sister, shared a meal with me family, learned how to make empanadas, got a package from a friend I love very much, got spooky stuff and art shit at Michael's, brought home fresh basil from my grandmas garden, and ate doughnuts with my dad. It left me feeling loved and energized in a way I haven't for a little while. At the same time I know that my father can be abusive and my grandma and family can be racist, homophobic, and mysoginistic. It's confusing to love people who can be abusive and toxic. At the same time I feel super blessed to be surrounded by so many incredible people who care for me, all of my family, chosen or otherwise are such a huge light in my life. I'm not sure why I feel the need to say all of this. I think I'm just trying to understand myself and navigate this weird time in my life. I'm posting this in case anyone who knows me is curious what's going on in my brain, and in case it is helpful for anyone who can relate to see someone else going through a similar situation.

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The incident began when a school-based police officer happened to walk by Kaylb’s classroom and hear him crying and disrupting other students, according to a lawsuit filed last week by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of Kaylb’s family. When Kaylb continued to cry and yell in the hallway, against the officer’s requests, the officer put the child in handcuffs and brought him to the main office, where he sat until a parent arrived.

Data shows that black students often receive harsher punishments than their white counterparts.

There needs to be a discussion about why black students are receiving discipline while white students who do the same thing do not receive discipline.

“No schools should be handcuffing little kids. I want it to stop. Someone needs to step up and speak up. Unfortunately, I’m not a media guru. This is, to a certain point, embarrassing. But if this is what it takes to help people recognize it’s not OK”.

#BlackLivesMatter #KaylbPrimm #Kansas #AmeriKKKa  #StayWoke

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So you delete all the conversations. In a moment of weakness or in a moment of empowerment you don’t really know but it feels good and it fills you with dread but your friends call you strong and you wake up the next day and you tell yourself that it’s gonna be okay. Things are gonna be okay. But then it’s two weeks later and your fingers are trembling so much you can’t even type you can’t even look through your pictures but you’re desperate for any proof that he loved you. And the only thing you find is a conversation from a few months ago. One of those times where it was 3 in the morning and you had rolled over and blinked at your phone with sleepy eyes just to text him I love you and by some magic, some love connection, he had woken up too. And you ended up sending I love you’s back and forth till your eyes were blinking away tears cause you were so fucking tired but it was worth it because your smile was so big it was biting at the edges of your cheeks. And you’re reading it but all you can do is cry so hard the bed’s shaking and you don’t know how to stop your teeth from chattering and everything just fucking burns through you, every I love you and forever you promised each other because that forever seems so far away now. So it burns, it’s acid in your stomach because you only ever wanted a forever with him and you’re not sure why that ended up being too much to ask for. And you realize that you’re so fucking scared, because every part of you really believed that the love wouldn’t leave. You thought the love was never gonna change.

love lessons (via loveserum)

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My sister is in a horrible emotonal state

I feel super guilty that I haven’t been around to support her

I feel like the way my parents are treating her is abusive

I don’t really know what to do to help her at this point

I know she resents me for not being around

and is feeling hurt and lonely 

I am overwhelmed by my life right now 

A lot of the people that I care about are moving far away

Which makes me super sad 

and I have a lot of trouble physically detaching from people that 

I am emotionally close with

I’m not really sure what to do about my family dynamics right now

I feel like my relationship with my parents is fairly healthy

but it’s hard for me to respect them 

when I know how they are treating my sister

I don’t know if I should be taking classes right now 

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lol

I love being an ugly fatass

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(8.20.16) (C.B)

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We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you.

Warsan Shire (via tanya-nicole)

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I need someone  to ground me with the rhythm of their breathing to sit on the couch  and run their fingers through my hair  my head in their lap  my lips tracing soft kisses on their fingers I need someone to be still with someone who will hold me I need someone to hold me lord knows I don't know how to ask I need someone who can tell when I am needing Maybe I am that person Perhaps I need myself Need to learn to ask When I need someone to wrap them self around me

Melonwrites 8/3/16

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When home alone, listen to music and eat papaya 👌

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Disappointed I haven't taken advantage of this moon

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What the fuck??? Somehow millions of kids all over the world have the audacity to believe they are memelords

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😎🍁highasfuck🍁😎 my dude

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Reasons I am sad

1 my friends are all leaving for college soon 2 my family is probably moving in the next two months 3 I feel ugly 4 my sunburn hurts 5 I want someone to romance with 6 Sydney got upset 7 I made flora sad by not being home 8 a lot of gay people were murdered 9 trump is close to being president