goprojectjoy-blog

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: A Relationship Experiment

One thing that really hinders my project for being happy is the way I feel about my relationship. Not seeing my S.O. takes a lot out of me. The after effect is even worse and the attempts to get out of the feeling is probably the worst state I could ever be in. I feel stagnant and none of my previous methods work AT ALL. It just feels pointless and I have zero drive.

Part of the project was to try and displace those types of feelings with positivity, especially in terms of improving myself. I’ve gained a lot in just a few days and have really done things out of my comfort zone. But it seemed to only be a temporary fix, since it halted immediately after I felt some inner turbulence resulting from my relationship. (Seems to happen QUITE A BIT). The humor only works as a temporary fix as well. Work/hobbies is, unfortunately a TEMPORARY fix.

I’m not following the scientific method as accurately but I would like to throw out a hypothesis.

·         My security in the relationship with him will increase if I actively provide security to him

Right now it seems pretty backwards to me because-isn’t HE supposed to be doing that for ME? I could be very, very wrong. But that’s what the experiment is for. How will I change if I am participating in the role that I am expecting him to follow? More happy? Less? Same?

So even if I am the one feeling the insecurity here, I’ll flip it for the sake of this experiment. Now, it’s going to be my S.O. who is feeling very unsure and insecure about the relationship’s future and I am going to treating him the way I am expecting to be treated. Here are the ways I might proceed.

·         Answer all calls/immediately text back reassuring why I didn’t pick up

·         REALLY Sound like I care/want to talk because I haven’t talked to him all day

·         Ask him how he feels, focus on him

·         Listen and respond thoughtfully to the things he is saying

·         Bring positivity

·         Talk about the future

·         Talk about how he’s included in your life/think about him when he’s not there

·         Talk about how you’re lucky to have him/why you’re grateful for him 

I’ll definitely try to add to this. But it’s definitely work for me and it seems more positive overall for both of us. This seems like a great extra part to add to the project and I’m excited to see the outcomes over time.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: It’ll Pass

I had a very short weekend with my boyfriend and it kind of puts the start of the week kind of low. He goes about whatever due to his work. While I’m feeling meh, it’s difficult to get what I want out of the project. 

It’s going to pass though, since it’s only a feeling. I never conjured up a way to get over this feeling. So maybe some ideas worded out will help. 

Agree that it WILL PASS 

Think of it as a comedy skit OR think of it as if you’re recording your life on Youtube (but must incorporate humor) 

Go back to your promises (You are a warrior) 

One best depiction of myself that I have been holding onto for a while is a time when suddenly I explode with advancement, knowledge and skill that I haven’t shown before. Like in those documentaries, when a person being interviewed talks about suddenly, there’s this explosion of a person that breaks new grounds and barriers for themselves. So even if I have to wait a bit to show myself, I am going to come in exactly like that, an explosion of crazy awesome. And maybe just a bit more time is what I need to prep. 

So I will keep on working on me, the project and learning to let things pass. 

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Not Always Expected

I find out that I may not be needed at the chill job for probably 2 weeks. Does this decrease my worth? No. It probably just means I have more time to work on me and enjoy my life.

Though, not having plans work out is disappointing. It may just be needed though.

My S.O. Will soon be preoccupied with his own business. That probably means he may be less focused on EVERYTHING else. Being young and worried about this type of thing is definitely not in the best depiction of myself. It is definitely hard to be my best depiction when things like this happen. Though here it is:

Joy is confident and satisfied with herself. Very independent looking. Very busy. She comes in looking nice, though it definitely took some effort. She is happy for him and she is also STRONG and is encouraging but brutally honest. Joy offers helpful support. She has her own plans, ideas and goals, separate from him. She carries them out and all service comes from a sacred place. He says he needs no help but she doesn’t hate him for it. The service wasn’t hers to begin with. It came from God, who is just channeled through a medium.

This best depiction is amazing. I am sure my best depiction gets fatigued very easily. But it definitely comes from selfless service…

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Getting to Work

A lot of opportunities are coming up or falling through. In the best depiction of myself, I am working super hard and ENJOYING a lot of things. I am starting to become part of a process or becoming an important, CALM, knowledgeable, freaking cool person. Most of all, I am getting to do work. As of now, it is a start but I am going to learn.

I came across a OK paying job that will allow me to work with youth. It really resonates with my life in general, which is very important to me. My advantage is I have myself. Which will allow me to relate in a way that is unique to me. It’s going to be nerve wracking, but I’m going to go for it. I have nothing to lose and more to gain.

I would love to help out on Monday at my other chill job opportunity. It seems to be the only day that I may actually be needed. Showing up may just be enough to really communicate that I want to work. If not, I’ll get to hang for a bit.

I’m slowly committing to more guitar knowledge, also. And I am finding some burning passions I didn’t know was there before. 

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: What I Already Have

I got a lot accomplished today so I decided to spend some time jamming with my brother. The piano is back in my room, so I started playing random things, or what I described as "random, unorganized and without any thought/application of knowledge." It was more like freestyle to me and I was just going off of what I was hearing. It was barely anything special or worthwhile, in my opinion. Pretty much just "noodling." He was surprised it was entirely made up. He said that it was the best live performance he has ever heard and it was hard for him to try and keep up on guitar. I found that obvious since the song had no form. He said something like, he was trying hard, but God came down and told him to stop and listen (He was being funny) My bro doesn't play piano much, so it probably was more impressive to him than it really is, but his comments made me so happy, since I consider myself average at best. But he also said that besides the Led Zepellin live performance at MSG, my noodling was crazy good and something to be proud of. I wish I could feel that for myself. I guess I should learn now. Unrelated to that, he asked me to play again and I started my random noodling. At one point, I go into what I describe the "free jazz" part. It sounds like a cat walking on the keyboard sometimes, though I keep my ear on things for guidance and my mind pretty open to sounds. Suddenly I feel the most intense sadness, almost catatonic, from it. I'm not sure I remember what it sounded like. But it felt pretty horrible. I may not be noticing what I already have. Again, countering an "I wish" statement with I AM GOING TO LEARN.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

by Luke Sky

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Who do you like better?

Sometimes it’s hard to feel the best depiction of myself and carry out the project. Passion doesn’t always come as strong, but at least I have already started.

Something that wears me down is the comparison of myself with other people. Total downfall. There’s someone who is more experienced in work, better with people, overall nicer, more talented, super thoughtful, important especially in my S.O’s business. I can’t offer the same amount of assistance because I don’t really know shit. It all comes down to asking myself:

·         Who do you like better?

           Sometimes the answer is me, and sometimes not.

I thought of a new technique to counter jealousy/any other emotion of the sort. Counter it with humor. Or think of the situation as a comedy skit. It makes it easier to see the situation is enlightening, rather than depressing. Which it really shouldn’t be.

Other ways to find myself is asking these questions:

·         What do you come from?

·         How did you get to where you are?  

·         Who is in that best depiction of yourself?

 I studied classical music on the piano but was always in situations where I was forced into it, so I wasn’t enjoying it at all. Guitar was my freedom. MY CHOICE. So that is what I came from, the decision to start something for myself. Something I was interested and passionate about on my own.

I got to where I am in guitar through pushing myself to practice and learn, to do techniques I saw and heard. I had the passion to be great-a female guitar player. Nothing could be better. I picked up bass because it is THE SEXIEST instrument of the rhythm section and drums because it was equally as bad ass. I love all these instruments with the same type of burning passion. It just really hasn’t surfaced in execution.

In the best depiction of myself, of course it’s me. Could it be that other person in it? Probably not, because my best depiction of myself has a lot of my traits in it. Just in a super amplified, more awesome way. And I LOVE the way my best depiction is. So I should love where that came from. And that’s pretty much right here and now.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

****insert clever message about not deleting the text here****

So I’d like to tell you a little bit about me. I’ve been struggling with depression for about a year and a half, and I was suicidal for most of my junior year. I know this isn’t unique or nearly as bad as it is for some people, but it is something I’ve worked through. I’ve gotten a lot better over the past few months, but I’m still struggling. 

Last night, those feelings came back a little, and I had a little trouble shrugging them off. And it sucked. I know I’m not the only one who has bad days, and I’d like a way to try to make those days better.

So here the idea. I want a way to spread a little more happiness into the world when I’m feeling down. So basically, if you reblog this post, I’ll write your URL down on a piece of paper and put it in a box. Then, whenever I’m feeling sad (which is often), I’ll draw a URL and send that person a nice message that will hopefully brighten their day. I think sometimes making someone else happy is the best way to get yourself out of a funk.

So, here are the guidelines:

you don’t have to be following me, but you can if you want

reblog this post to have your URL added

And that’s it. It’s pretty simple. You can reblog at any time, and this will go on perpetually. If I run out of URLs, I’ll start over. And if you ever feel sad, try sending a nice message to someone. It might help, you never know.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Getting over bumps

Yesterday I was teaching at a level close to the best depiction of myself. AND got some results. It also takes an awesome student though, and the girl freaking rocked. I got a lot of energy and satisfaction out of that lesson.

When I have successfully channeled more of the guitar goddess I can do the same thing with guitar. My initial goals in becoming this:

·         Learning history

·         Knowing basic maintenance

·         Fixing my own guitars

·         Practicing

These past few hours have proved that the way I appear to my S.O. really affects my motivation. He acknowledges my ideas, thinks they’re cool, tells me I can do whatever I want, but says he personally feels otherwise/differently. And it’s all his opinion, which usually comes from his age.

Sometimes I feel hurt. Offended? If that’s it, I should get over myself. But I should also LIKE my own ideas otherwise. It comes from places of passion anyway. Passion goes a long way. I love these ideas. So I have my image of myself, I’ve laid out my plans and all there is, is the decision to go for it. So I want to go for it.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Channel the Guitar Goddess

Yesterday I had my first full 8 hour day of shadowing. I loved seeing the clients and my mentor was super helpful in helping me decide what to do next in my life, as well as give me awesome advice. Again, super chill dude.

I usually encounter the BEST mentors.  

I learned a really good motto to counter act negative thoughts (thanks to my mentor):

·         Negative thought: I FEEL LIKE I AM…

·         Counter with: Well YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN  

For example:

·         I feel like I don’t know anything about work

·         Well you’re going to learn about it

There’s no use in dreading it. The time will come and it may/will be rough. But it’s going to be OK since you already ARE a FREAKING WARRIOR. And I already have the best depictions of myself for support. My newest one to work on: Joy is a Guitar Goddess

Kind of a silly sounding thing but I’ve always wanted to be really knowledgeable about guitar, as well as know how to maintain/fix/repair it (I love tools). I’ve always found some hidden inner strength from the guitar, but I’m an average player. It is definitely time to channel the inner passion. Maybe I already am a guitar goddess and I don’t know.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Looking for Work

I’ve been filling out some applications without much success. I’m not too fazed by it, though. Somehow not even discouraged (Bad thing???) I read a post on Humans of New York about a girl trying to look for work after graduating, to no avail, for over a year. She didn’t get hired until she actually went TO the job and asked directly for work.

This weekend, my boyfriends family friend offered to have me shadow him at his work. HUGE thing, with his type of connections and experience. I was strongly encouraged to GO FOR IT (DUH). This weekend I got his number and I could have let it sit there. Usually, my parents set up things for me. But I put together a text and sent it (this is not even 2 days after he offered). I got a reply today asking when I want to start. And now I’m starting tomorrow.  Now this is my thing. I initiated it on my own.

For me, pretty fearless (You gotta start somewhere!)

After working a bit in the morning at my dad’s place I go over to my boyfriend’s work. It’s pretty chill there and I’ve hung out there a few times. I’ve been asking him if he needs extra help, to which he denies. I got to talk a bit with his boss (AWESOME dude) and asked him directly if there’s any day HE needs extra help. I said I would help clean/organize anything, I really don’t care. He went over days that I might be needed and was all for it, even suggesting things he believes I can do OTHER than cleaning. (I can do stuff??)

I went and asked for work. Even though the boss is SUPER chill, and I don’t see anyone being afraid of him, I maybe, MAYBE approached it the way I’ve always wanted to: like a badass

Next steps from here is execution. And I get very anxious about it. I just need to be in the moment, deep breaths and think about something that I’ve added to my Wunderlist:

You are a FREAKING WARRIOR.

[goprojectjoy-blog]

Project Joy: Improving Myself

I’m starting this project that I would have liked to name “happiness project” but there is already something out there like that. Calling it “project Joy” makes it more about me. My progress. I’ve got a bad habit that I’d like to kick/change/reduce. I’m prone to feelings of uselessness and it really gets to me most days. Joy (myself) is never up to par on anything. It’s exhausting and very VERY self-terminating.

I need to change that.

It’s going to take work and A LOT of preparation. I’ve downloaded the app, Wunderlist (check out here https://www.wunderlist.com/download) to help me keep track of TO DOs. This is NOT an ordinary TASK list-everyday things like cleaning, homework, studying. It’s a list dedicated to me

Things I’ve included are:

·         Accomplishments

·         Motivational thoughts

·         Best depictions of myself

·         BIG GOALS (can go along with BEST depictions of myself)

I’ve been feeling slightly more motivated especially with the best depictions of myself. I would like to be a calm, knowledgeable, fearless BADASS. So I write down some situations that may describe that, but start with JOY IS…

For the negative, I write things lie JOY IS NOT…For negative thoughts and feelings I’ve been trying to adapt methods by Byron Katie, called The Work. Check out The Work http://thework.com/en. It basically tries to clear up “untruthful” thinking.

I hope to report success and share methods with people who are struggling a bit with the same type of problems.