goodnyquil-blog

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Mean Girls 2

PROTIP: You can get those extensions at Elim's Wigs, if you're looking to be superpunkrawk. 

Here's a list of crimes the main mean girl commits.

Vandalism

Destruction of Property

(Conspiracy to do all that shit)

Attempted Murder

Breaking and Entering

Theft

Destruction of Property (again)

Reckless Endangerment

MOAR Theft

Arsen

Coersion

Destruction of Property (yet again)

Attempted poisoning of bitches and ruining of a swanky party

Grand Theft (from a charity...an ANIMAL charity)

Espionage (not sure if this one is a legit crime, but she's a dickbag nonetheless)

Being a general dickbag

Shopping exclusively for pink ruffled floral-print summer dresses and looking like a tool.

I'm just saying. 2/5 nyquils.

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Swinging with the Finkels

We watched this one because I have a not-so-secret obsession with British fellas, and Martin Freeman is in it. No shame to say I wanted to watch a flick about swinging and Martin Freeman because maybe I'd get to see his boobies. I'm not gonna spoil your fun and tell you if you do, indeed, get to see his titties, but I will say I want oodles of his wardrobe for myself. Point of order, this movie also stars Mandy Moore. You may remember her from such things as being famous in the early 00s for remembering how to walk and singing about sweets. Anyway, she's also in this. Don't write off the movie, though. Apparently at some point in their characters' nine years of marriage, he boned her up with some acting chops, cause she is pretty decent and he is, obviously, awesome, even if I remove the bonus points he gets for being adorable. All in all, it's a reaffirmation RomCom that both follows the rules while experimenting oh so slightly with format an serving up some sex and love is a pair of annoying pants that fit really well realness. Totally watchable. Great date movie for couch time with husbear Justin, who didn't even hate it. 1/5 nyquils. Being a little buzzed lets your brain wander pleasantly toward Freeman's titties.

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eCupid

If you can't suspend your disbelief you will hate this movie.

Steps for recovery and enjoying this movie:

#1. Forget that during intense emotional scenes wherein one of the characters is wronged and should be sad, that character should either cry, hide their tears in furious anger, or the unbelievable-to-witness choose not to cry. In eCupid, they don't do that.

#2. Forget that apps on your phone don't actually control your life in a direct manner.

#3. Forget that they couldn't control your life as though they were SKYNET and delete texts and block phone calls.

#4. Forget that a place called Divinity Diner where the only person working is a sage blond lady never has any people in it and is somehow still open.

#5. Forget that people can't magically appear in perfectly created situations in order to test and teach you about your love life.

#6. Forget that you want to pretend you're only into well-acted, high drama bullshit starring Meryl Streeeeeeeep.

#7. Remember that you have made the choice to watch a gay romcom called eCupid, rejoice that they cast some handsome gentlemen in it, rejoice that a lot of them take off their tops, and rejoice that STFU IT'S A ROMCOM.

All kidding aside, if you ignore the fact that the whole movie is built on a silly premise, you'll be fine. For that, I give it...

2/5 nyquils. Surprising in that it's ridiculous enough to keep you interested, but it won't take home any awards. The little bit of nyquil will make the nonsensical setup logical. No promises.

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Bring It On Again Again Again Again Again

Don't worry. ABC Family really wanted me to watch these today, and I felt compelled to write this review as a Public Service Annoucement.

If you live in LA, please don't be a cheerleader.

There is a lot of drama inherent to the LA Cheer-munity, and everyone is obsessed with West Side Story. Bitches change squads on a daily basis, and squads from underprivileged areas routinely find national or otherwise unbelievable opportunities that are being threatened by rich rivals. If you are an underprivileged member of the cheer world, don't let your captain leave for the rich school. Also, be on the lookout for rich school transfers. 

You will hate them at first, even Solange did, and she's a sandcastle disco. Trust me, though, that rich white girl probably has a heart of gold and was on HEROES at some point. You'll eventually become besties and defeat the rich kids. They're probably from the opposite place on the compass, too, so it will be easy to pinpoint your biggest enemies.

If you're a rich cheergirl in LA, avoid the underprivileged schools. Not only will you try to steal their routines only to be thwarted by some new dance style infusion, but you may drop a spirit dildo and lose your mojo, get kicked out of cheer camp, and have to team up with them. 

If you don't get thwarted by new dance styles, you'll probably lose because they're way more hood and ethnically diverse. Also, you prolly cant do the hooo-gurl head & shoulder sway like them gifs up thurr.

Thanks for heeding the warning. As far as the reviews go, don't do nyquil. Instead, take a drink every time you hear a cheerpun. I promise you'll have a good day. 

OH I FORGOT! The punk girl in your school is secretly way amazing at cheershit. Befriend her. 

She'll do this though:

[goodnyquil-blog]

Big Gay Muscial

DIS MOVIE IS SO GAY!

OK. So, because it's freebonushourofsleep night, we watched a second shitbox movie. I have a few things to say about this one:

In the first five minutes, there are tap dancing angels in white timbalands. Also underwear.

Justin says they're lip-syncing, but also they have six packs, so please see number 3...

This movie is offensive. It perpetuates the stereotype that all gay men are stunningly gorgeous athletogays with six packs and no body hair or effeminate older wise gays. I mean, it's true, but super offensive anyway because reasons.

One of the two main characters is a virgin. Falsehood. Gay men aren't virgins, but unicorns.

Also, the movie hollers a bit from the glittery pulpit, but who gives a fuck? If oyu don't like movies that hold your hand, don't watch RomComs; if you don't like/watch RomComs, we can't be friends because you're far too serious and far too unfrivolous. Side note, facetiously has all five and a half vowels in alphabetical order. Deal with itttttt.

1/5 nyquils. Some of these bitches can't lip sync for their lives, so be a little booze to make it all A-O-Gay.

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The Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green

has the longest title ever.

Also, it's annoyingpants.

Bleurgh on this whole shebang. There was baseball and a title sequence that set the scene and 2 old gays in teal mumus with ugly hats.

That's about all I can recall.

OH! We got really excited because in the opening credits, there's a picture that makes the roommate look like Tara from True Blood, so we were hoping for some ass whipping and sass. Alas, not Tara. That's not racism, it looked like her. Dammit. I sound more racist now, don't I?

Well fuck it. I'm gonna go watch Saved the Last Dance because Taye Diggs is in it. 

After that it's gonna be Remember the Titans. Taye Diggs movie marathon.

TL;DR 5/5 nyquils. Take Snooki's advice and get wasteypants for this one.

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Kickoff part 2

Their uniforms are pink fuchsia. Best thing ever.

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KickOff or CopOff or something else British that I didn't understand.

I'm 16 minutes into KickOff.  It's a British gay movie about field fairies. So far they've sat around a big ass table and talked about being gay and playing football. Also there was a drama drama drama fight, an older gay who may or may not be a younger gay's foster father (not really sure dafuck that means) and so many bits of British slang I'm not sure what the fuck is going on.

BUT

The captain of the team wants to just play some good ole football and avoid prancing around like a bunch of sissies. It would seem a revolt is in order. I'm hoping they'll pump some Solange Knowles (I hear she's big in Europe) and do a choreographed dance number that ends in glittersplosions, then backflip and sassykick it past the goalie for the win.

That, or the old gay will get sassy with the captain and we'll get this face:

MAYBE IT WILL BE LIKE BRING IT ON AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN FEATURING SOLANGE KNOWLES!

Here's to hoping. So far it's 2/5 nyquils, because you'll need to be a little fucked up to stop caring that you don't understand any of the British word jokes. 

I'm not sure I'm adequately sharing that I hope Solange shows up. Sandcastle disco 4lyfe!

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Saved by the Bell, episode 2

Did you know they're in Indianapolis? That's where they live. Indy. Not Bayside.

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Saved by the Bell

I'm so excited. I'm so excited! I'M SO SCARED.

First off, this shit is on Netflix, which is good news for my life and bad news for Justin. We're going to marathon this until we've watched every single episode, and I don't care what he says.

Second, have you seen the pilot for this show? #1-- Kelly isn't in it, which I forgot. #2-- AC Slater hasn't joined yet, which I recall. C-- No Jessie;no awkward lesbian girl in the jean jacket;no random people from later seasons you forgot about because fuck the college years. The pilot is basically about the American History teacher and how Belding awkwardly wants to bone her. It's kinda weird.

Zach doesn't even appear for the first few minutes, which are just the crazy art teacher and Miss Bliss, who goes on a date (and then Zach ends up at her house). This brings me to my next point:

Dafuck is it with these kids in the 90s going to their teacher's houses? It's not okay. Feenie was a badass, but stop bothering him. Miss Bliss does not really want to feed you pie on her date, Zach Morris, no matter how cute coiffed your hair is. 

Back to the episode, Zach pretends he's a 9th grader and gets pwn'd by his new ladyfriend, who Sandy Olsen-style moves to Danny Zach-o's school after their summer lovin'. She goes a-prancing away before Zach goes to Miss Bliss's house to get some pie:

I'ma avoid the obvious joke, and offer you this GIF instead. It goes with the first picture of him and his gingerbread peen.

TL;DR 1 Nyquil. It will make it sillier and probably ramp up those squigglies colors in the opening.

[goodnyquil-blog]

My So-Called Life

Jared Leto is a douche; grunge parties.

Netflix recommended this one because Justin likes female-driven melodramas, and I like gay shit. The two combine to form the 90s behemoth My So-Called Life, which Justin has never seen, and which I remember hating because my sister liked it and I hated everything she liked on principle.

Fitting, because now that I've grown up and want to meet my sister's baby, I also really really really really like this show. Specifically, I quite enjoyed how she dyed her hair "crimson dune" or some equally offensive color, even though it was just maroon. Side note, I did that with Kool-aid and the effect was far stickier and far less cute.

Anyway, the pilot is a nice 45-minute chunk that's delightfully well-written and well-acted, likely because Leto was confined to leaning dramatically. In the happiest closing dialog in the known universe, he and Claire Danes share the epic lines, "How was your weekend?"

"Sucked."

*flighty smile*

Yup. That shit is real. Before then, you get R.E.M. and plaid shirts and Ricky, the happiest bi in the show. If I recall correctly, the show will continue to deliver, Ricky will get sadface, annoying friend will become a more interesting character and the dad, whose name is Graham (like a boss) will have an epic subplot.

TL;DR Zero nyquils. Good show.

Also, they eat an entire block of cheese. I was sold then and there.

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Bear City

Oh, man. This movie.

2 things:

I love bears.

Justin hates this movie, and it makes my inner awe-how-cute go apeshit. 

I have no idea why, but this movie is delightful. Pseudotwink Tyler loves bears and goes hiking through a remarkably small bear community in what I BELIEVE is New York--like I said, it seems tiny. There's a group of four musclebears, one of whom is the hot daddybear. Spoiler Alert, it's the dude from CSI who likes guns. Awesome.

Tyler's gaybestfriend is Simon, and between him & Brent, sassiness abounds just enough for a few good one liners. We go about dealing with every character's issue (it's written toward an ensemble movie, but it's just a dickflick) while we watch pseudotwink become an otter & fall in love with Daddybear Roger. They keep going for this bowling metaphor that makes me roll my eyes because fuck bowling. Anyway, Roger is the unmakeable shot-slash-seven-ten-split (WHICH IS IT?!) 

As you can surely assume, Tyler "makes the spare" & they make out while the camera slowspins around them and zooms in.

HOOGAY! 

P.S. I didn't ruin the movie because you should watch it anyway. For B-movies, it's happy. And you get this awesome song during the end credits: www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN_8LRgu6_4

TL;DR 1/5 nyquils. The little bit o drugs will make the mediocre parts okay. Just giggle, goddamnit.

Also, there's a sequel, and I'm totally going to see it.

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Is It Just Me?

Long & short of it--yes.

This one starts off with your regular depressed, self-loathing creative gay who gets all down on hisself because he's not gorgeous. Luckily, mancandy roommate prances in and out of every scene forgetting to wear a shirt more frequently than Taylor Lautner does.

In the pivotal scene of the early bits, creatogay orders a double decaf latte extra foam extra hot and gets a big sass from the barista. I'm willing to bet it's the direct result of the stupid fucking drink he just ordered. Creatogay sasses back, then stops and gets all poutyface. A sweet Texan gay wanders up, orders the same fucking shitbox of a drink and bitch-arista makes it for him, for free! Texan gay gives creato-pouty-pants his free coffee. Instead of thanking Texan-gay with a BJ, like he wants to, creatogay goes and pouts somewhere else. Logic fail.

Anyway, on and on we go through some semblance of a plot in which creatogay meets a nice southern gay on the interwebs. Surprise, surprise, it's the same nice Texangay who bought him a coffee earlier. They go through the modern A/S/L of a-chattin', a-phonecallin' and a-picsharin'. They both decide the other is cute, but Oh, le no! Creatogay sent Texogay a picture of his gogoboy roommate!

From here on out, the movie takes a dramatic turn for the whatthefuck, because creatogay can't figure out how to tell Texogay he mistakenly sent the wrong picture, despite the fact that they've had a few 8-hour phone calls.

Buncha shit happens all over the place, and in the end someone might die. I'm not sure.

TL;DR I give this movie 3/5 nyquils. Fall asleep once the idiot happens. If you fight it and stay awake, they're nice to ogle.