ghosthern

[ghosthern]

I Don’t Know

It’s 11:20 and I’ve been listening to HONNE’s music for the past hour. It has been so long since I’ve experienced this feeling of nostalgia and longing. Nostalgia for a memory that has not occurred yet - maybe never. Longing for something you do not know. 

Lately I have been feeling alone... lonely? I cannot really tell anymore. What I am sure of is that I know I am supposed to do more than what I am currently doing and it frustrates me to be faced with the reality that I am losing time. I have chained myself with eternal imprisonment in this sadness of being not enough for myself and now I am being faced with the idea that I am really going to live my life alone, physically and emotionally. 

Am I made for the ideal? No clear dreams or ambition, desires made of illusion, and now to be faced with eternal loneliness. Do people really have equal chances for life? For love? What if those are just for the lucky? Is love a privilege? Do I really need to endure this life?

At the end of all these ramblings, I still don’t know. And my gut says that for the rest of my life, I will never know.  

[ghosthern]

‘Isa’

Naaalala ko pa ang mga panahong

Lahat ng bagay at pangyayari’y tinatanong

Puso’t isip, sinasarado at kinukulong

Bawat galit sa mundo man, sa sarili, sa’yo at sa kanya ay nilalapat sa saknong.

 At kung di man magawan,

Luha ay una-unahang magpapatakan

Tapang, pagtitiis, tila ako’y tinatakbuhan

At ako, maiiwanang mag-isa at duguan.

 Tila ako sundalong sumabak sa digmaan

Ang kaibahan, ako’y walang dalang armas.

Lumalaban kahit di naman. Bakit?

Dahil sa kagustuhang maabot ang rurok, ang pinakaitaas

Ngunit, ang di alam ng lahat, puso ko ko’y walang kaligayahan.

 Ang hindi ko lubos maisip

Bakit mas pinipili nating (Oo, idadamay na kita) na madapa ng paulit-ulit sa putikan?

Kaysa tumayo at magtampisaw sa ulan?

Hindi ka ba nandidiri, o nayayamot na paulit-ulit na lang?

Kung ikaw hindi pa, ako sawang – sawa na.

 Sa unang pagkakataon, ako’y makikiusap sa’yo

Huwag mo nang subukan pang tahakin ang daang tinahak ko.

Imulat mo ang iyong mga mata

Titigan mo ang bawat talang gagabay sa’yo

Tulad nila, hayaan mong magbaga ang mumunting apoy na nasa sa’yo

At sinasabi ko, sinasabi kong sa puntong iyon, hindi ka na muli mag-iisa.

May kasama ka sa gitna ng digmaan.

[ghosthern]

Oblivion

The stars are carved with words

Words that speak of your flaws

Flaws that shone too bright

Too bright, I couldn’t stand to stare

Only to be enchanted.

Your eyes are pitfall to oblivion

Yet at the same time, like a pathway to the green fields

Oh come high or low!

Either of the two, I’ll stay away from you.

Not from your stares like ice

Will the fire in my heart burn out

Let the wind sweep through me

But never will I fall to your nothingness.

[ghosthern]

Hangal

Sa pag-inog ng mundo,

Ang oras ay tumatakbo,

Isa lamang ang makasisiguro ako,

Ang pag-ibig ko’y para lamang sa’yo.

Sa paglipas ng panahon

At pagkurap ng mga bituin.

Kasing lawak ng kalawakan,

Ang aking pag-asa’t paninindigan.

Ngunit, hindi ba ito’y isang kahangalan?

Mga salitang namumutawi mula sa’king damdamin,

Ay tila bunga lamang ng panandaliang paghanga at kaligayahan.

Ang tuso kong puso’y nahulog lamang sa kamalian.

[ghosthern]

Light Years

I’m fading

You’re growing.

How cruel

This life’s duel.

How long have we traveled,

That every step that I take left me all baffled.

I never got to touch those hands,

For I know that if I did, that would be the last chance.

When will the time come

When you and me will meet at one

Or is it even possible

After all this lost chance.

I believe we are stars

Forever be here, waiting to burn out

Never having the chance to love

But only to stare out.

[ghosthern]

To you, whom I won’t reach

As the night flickers,

The sun fades

You’re standing on the shore

I’m blinding on your silhoutte

How I envy the way you look in the night sky

How I wish you could lay your eyes the same way to me

That you would desire to look at me all night

Not ending until the morning light.

But then you’re a mere exception in my world

Someone I can’t hold onto

I can’t let go

I won’t reach.

You will be the ‘someone’ who’ll live in my memories

Whose house I can’t go to in the middle of the night

Whom I can’t spend the night talking

Someone I will never reach.

You’ll always be a part of my night

A star that will forever be above me

And all I could do was to try to reach for you

Just like what I’m doing right now

As you stare away from me.

[ghosthern]

Araw at Buwan

Iisang pangarap Ating pinagsamahan Naaalala mo pa ba? Pagkat di ko malilimutan. Ang pagkislap ng iyong mga mata Tuwing ako'y magkukwento Tungkol sa pangarap na pinagsaluhan. Kagustuhan, yun ang atin. Sabi ko nga, walang makakapigil Hanggang ngayo'y nasa 'king puso pa rin. Ikaw, nasa sayo pa ba?

[ghosthern]

Kalawakan

Katulad ng araw at buwan Tayo'y di nakalaan Iyong liwanag ay di masilayan Sa kadilima'y di rin maramdaman

Buti pa ang mga bituin Handa akong aliwin Sa lalim ng gabi'y sila'y nakalambitin Upang aking lumbay, kanilang aalisin

Ngunit kaligayaha'y di maramdaman Pagkat tanging sayo lamang nararanasan Ako'y patawarin sa aking kasalanan Pagka’t ika'y nais muling hagkan

Tadhana, kailan mo muli ako pagbibigyan? Ako'y labis na ang kalungkutan At sa pagsikat ng araw kinabukasan, Puso ko'y mag-isa na naman.

[ghosthern]

Thy Love

Down in the green I see Streaks of light Calling thou to flee Art thou gonna stop tis' night? For I'll depart from thee Oh God! Catch the moon from falling, For I can't bear to see the sun rising. Remove tis' heart's longing, That it may refrain from loving. Let the wind douse thy lover's ache That it may feel this loving haste.

[ghosthern]

Asylum

Maybe you are reading my blog, because you’re bored, or you just want to gather clues to know who’s my crush, or maybe no ones actually reading this, but I still don’t care. This place is the only place I could vent my thoughts whenever I can’t keep it on myself.

Sometimes when I’m travelling, maybe to school or somewhere else, and I stare into the vast sky, I couldn’t resist on thinking if I’m seriously crazy or just a whiny teenage girl. I would always describe myself as someone with a different thinking compared to the majority. I would think that people don’t think the same way as I do, I am deeper, maybe? Who knows?

I want to know what other people think of everything else. I want to know their opinions, or just their thoughts. Is it silly? I’m obsessed with their reasons. The unending explanations of every one else. I’m weird or crazy?

Then I would think of those people whom I see along the streets, the real insane as the society call them. The people who lost theirs own selves to themselves. But then I would ask myself again, why did the strings inside of them broke? I would never know the anwer I guess.

We will never know if our own strings broke inside of us, so I never know if mine were already broken or near brokenness. But what I really understand is that we are all crazies, and the world is a big asylum, that will treat us from our delusions or will only worsen our current situation.

[ghosthern]

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: We all want everything to be okay. We don't even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough.

Every Day, David Levithan

[ghosthern]

Envisage of an Aspirant

March 26, 2016, probably midnight. I would never forget how I felt that night. How the wind kissed my cheeks, and let my hair go all over my face. I felt like I was Margo Roth Spiegelman of Paper Towns, travelling inside a car in the middle of the night, the difference was I don’t have my own Quentin.

Inside the car, I watched the street lights as I passed on each one of them. I see how comforting and exciting the deafening silence was. And right there, I realized how small I was, how I could tell that I’m still a little girl with a big dream. As a teenage girl, I would always dream of myself being successful, having my own car and I will drive in the middle of the night alone. Then, I will find the perfect place where I can stargaze while lying on a blanket that I purposedly placed on my car’s hood. An as I stare under the vast night sky, I will reminisce on the moment that I missed, and how thankful I was that I missed them because somehow it lead me to that situation. I will retell myself how I did become successful, how blessed I am that I got the things that I wanted, and one by one, I am achieving the dreams I onced dream. Lastly, I will dream more, and will never stop. 

[ghosthern]

Scars

You will never know who is a person until they decided to show their wounds and scars to you. 

I never became a fan of Logan Lerman because of him being Percy. When I saw this book, “The Perks of being a Wallflower”, it doesn’t give me quite an impression. I thought maybe its just some other novel which talks about a high school nerd turned into a hottie who experienced a lot of sex. Don’t hate me, but that was just an impression.

Years had passed and this summer I decided to watch the movies I randomly downloaded, including the adaptation of that book. I don’t really expect that much because I didn’t read any reviews of it from the internet, but the thought of me wondering why one of my best friends loved it that much was never put aside. 

I was watching and I can’t help but think that this movie was more than I think it was, it is deeper. I was asking myself, why can’t Charlie just go out there, smile, and have himself some new friends so he will not be alone? But when he talked about what happened to his suicidal friend, Michael, I knew there was something else. There are fresh wounds that are unseen. He was vulnerable. But, he wanted to be something else, he was trying so hard to solve it, he was trying hard, but fate was hard on him, he can’t.

I never understand the issue with Aunt Helen, but I suspected, and it was confirmed in the latter part of the movie. Secrets really keep you imprisoned. Chained with the horrors of what the society would think. And freeing yourself from it, is the best part. You need to let go. Because its either you choose to be free, or just let the strings inside of you break. And I tell you that the latter choice would do you no good.

When I grow up, I wanted to do what Sam and Charlie did in the movie, get in the car, stand on the back, and let the wind erase your worries. Just feel free under the night and around the innocent night lights. And lastly, feel infinite.

[ghosthern]

Hopeless Romantic

Every time I watch romantic movies, or reading novels, I always got this moment where my heart would beat so fast that I am barely breathing. Earlier, I just finished re-watching The Twilight Saga, and as the final scene of Breaking Dawn Part 2 crept in, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, then I asked myself, is this the feeling of falling in love? I am always curious on how does it feel to fall in love with a person. Well, I knew the feeling of going crazy over the person you really like, but I also know that there is a big difference between liking some and loving him. It’s easy to say you love him, but what feeling you must feel for you to say those words? I’ve read a lot of novels from John Green, Nicholas Sparks, Suzanne Collins, and Veronica Roth (if I should count those two sci-fi authors), and also I’m a fan of reading e-books from Wattpad. I’ve read many characters’ perspective about falling in love, but none of their’s complimented the way I think I should feel. AS a girl, I was once a believer of fairy tales, I dreamed of having my own Prince Charming, and as I am now, I thought if I could have an Edward Cullen or Peeta Mellark or Tobias ‘Four’ Eaton or just a simple Augustus Waters or a rock star like Wade ‘Sexy’ Rivas. But I realized, I will never have someone like them, because they are perfect guys made by mere imagination. My reality will come in the near future but definitely not now. Yet, I wish I knew the feeling of being in love, so I could tell if ‘he’ is the one when he comes along.

[ghosthern]

PURPOSE

It’s much better to be lost in His Word, than to be lost in the World.

As we grow up, we always ask ourselves. Why am I doing this? For what I am doing this? We think we do this, that, for us, for our future for our happiness, for ‘them’ but still at the end of the day, there are feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness that slowly crept in within our hearts. As the time passes by, we became used to it and overwhelmed by it. Nothing changed. 

We just do things that are expected from us. Just doing things that we feel that we will make us whole, make us fulfilled but no, it do not. 

We got lost in the world, our flesh, our emotions, our ideas. We try and try to find who we are, create who we are. 

Not knowing that He Is the only we are finding for. His love. His presence, His word. With Him, we found our purpose. A purpose that will keep us strong, will keep us going, will lead us unto eternity. 

Our Purpose. It’s not all about us. It’s not about what we’ve done. But what He has done, what has done on the cross. It’s all about him. He deserve everything.

We, blessed by his grace is here, breathing, called to be witnesses of what He has done and share the salvation we had received. We, undeservingly have more than what we need because of Him, his love.

And yes, I declare, I hope that all of us too, that my purpose more than anything in this world is to serve God, honor Him, and share His gospel. 

[ghosthern]

Awkward Couple

So, I was like re-watching the Twilight movie just now (for no reason for as long as I can remember), and I just realized how awkward Bella (Kristen) and Edward (Robert) were, but they definitely did have a chemistry. I was at this point where Edward just saved Bella from the guys who were trying to harass her and he invited her for dinner, as they were talking, I did have the feels even though I was disappointed from the very beginning of the movie up until before that scene. I can’t help but smile when Edward admitted to Bella that he could read all the minds inside that shop but apart from her. That line was really used and corny yet it hit my ‘kilig bones’. And yeah, I still can’t get over about it.  

[ghosthern]

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Arthur Ashe