getteness

[getteness]

7.8.2024

So Much Happening at the Moment

Ah, yes. Back on the old blog. I figured since I wasn't seeing any therapists lately, I should go back to putting my words somewhere. Plus I kind of miss the absolute chaos that is tumblr.

So I am almost almost done with my master's degree. I have two weeks left, I turn in the final project this weekend, and I lay on the ground in the fetal position until my grade is posted. This has been a five-year journey, and I am so glad it's almost over. Now to do grown-up things like finally start my career. I still don't think I'm grown-up enough for that.

So I got an email this morning from the Ex-BFF that decided to stop being my friend last year because I finally set boundaries for myself. I honestly want to just ignore her again this time, because I think that's what will burn her up the most-- but I might have time to be a petty asshole. We'll see. Either way, we're done.

Also, in my absence, I have been influenced by my kids to get into Taylor Swift. Yes, I said it. There are some songs that slap, I must admit. What have I become!!?!

[getteness]

11.15.23

Uuuuuuuggggghhhhh...

I've been sta-ruggling this term in school. Between having my mom here still, and also stressing about her wanting to move back home, and the littles, and just life in general, I've been turning my assignments in super late--- something I usually do NOT do. This time, I actually get the assignment in on time. Fast forward to two days later (today), and I still get an F! What??!! So I click on what I had uploaded and it was the FIRST FUCKING DRAFT. It was basically an outline. OMG. So here I go writing the professor AGAIN with another excuse. Now that I turned in the right copy, it looks like I bought myself two more days. Dammit! I just want this term to be over. I need this upcoming break. Oh, did I mention that I'm also in the middle of switching meds? Yeeeeea fun times...

[getteness]

09.26.23

So hubs and I finally had a talk about a possible baby #3. After a bit of a scare the past week, I realized that I do in fact want another child, just not yet. There are a LOT of things to consider first. And there are a LOT of things to get through like school and moving and my graduation trip and travel in general and and and

Just so much.

So we will put an actual effort into TTC next year. In the meantime, I have a new motivation to actually get healthy and lose weight. I need to give this future child the best shot possible since the deck is stacked against him/her with my age. By next year, I will be 38, hopefully having a child before I'm 40. We'll see how that goes. And if somehow, we're not meant to have a third child, then at least I'll be a healthier person after everything.

[getteness]

09.09.2023

I just checked on the folks I’m following and I may have liked some posts from like 3 years ago haha I was not hacked— just happy to see everyone doing well. ✌🏾

[getteness]

08.23.23

Birthday Thoughts

So today is my 37th birthday. I started it with working, which was fine. The library job doesn’t stress me out, so being there for my birthday was actually nice. I got a few gifts from some lovely coworkers, and it seemed like the day went by pretty quickly. Then I came home and was showered with love from my lovely kiddos and hubs and my mom (who is still staying with us as she heals from surgery). Then I went out to the most delicious dinner with the bestie and out for dessert. Such a lovely chill day.

I will say, though, that I had a strange dream last night in which I died. I was in a crowd trying to save the kids, and shots rang out. I didn’t feel the shot kn my chest u til I had gotten outside and gotten the kids to safety. The person I was with said “oh no…. Don’t look down. It’s gonna be ok” then my body started feeling cold, and I woke up. Interesting…

I must say, though that the death in the dream was symbolic. It’s time to let the old me die and for the new me to take its place. I’m ready

[getteness]

08.14.23

Moving On

I needed space on my phone to update to the new iOS system so I started deleting old texts. Well, I happened upon the text from the Blonde Bitch that my husband cheated on me with. I read it and read it and read it. Then I let it go. I deleted it. I no longer have a record of contacting her. I will never forgive her, but I am more at peace with myself.

Another text I read to myself was the loooong ass monstrosity that was Ex Bestie’s last word a few months back. As I read those horrible words, I realized something:

Those words hold no power over me anymore.

I didn’t even feel hate. I felt— indifference. Maybe some pity. She is truly delusional, and I think no response at all is so much more fitting. You know what they say: the opposite of love isn’t hate— it’s indifference. Ah the new update looks lovely.

[getteness]

08.10.2023

Making Changes

So I've decided to start going to the gym. Nothing crazy. Just half an hour on the elliptical a couple days a week to start. I mean, I work right next to a rec center, so there really isn't an excuse. And I have support from the hubs to go right after work so he will handle dinner and whatnot for those couple nights. I'm hoping this is the start of something new. I want this to be a new habit that I have the motivation and spoons for. I want to reflect the version of myself I see in my head. We'll see how the progress goes.

[getteness]

Well that's the end of that

So I've been going through drama with a friend for the past month or so, and we had decided to take a mental break. This past Friday, she decided to text me a giant ass tome about how terrible a person I was and how I hadn't ever been there and and how great she's doing without me in her life. She decided to send this the day before Mother's Day weekend while I was at work. Wow. There's a lot of nasty things I could say to her to completely ruin her, but I think the silence is more fitting. She always likes the last word anyways, and now she can have it. It's just kinda weird that after 20 years, she's been harboring such animosity towards me the whole time, it seems. It makes me feel skeevy that I actually let someone with such negative energy into my life for that long. I mean, that's over half my life! Gross.

[getteness]

What Does it Meeeeean?

So I've seen the name Addison three tomes today. It's looking like a sign. First, I was talking to my coworker this morning about certain generations of men with feminine names (there was a male patron with the middle name Beverly), and she said to look up Mitch McConnell's name: Addison! Hmmm OK....

I'm scrolling through my e-mails and I check one of the listing emails from my realtor. The one listing on this email was on Addison Street. I didn't even know there was an Addison Street nearby! Hmmm OK OK...

Then, I'm scrolling through FaceBook, and I come across an Amazon ad. It was for a personalized stuffed rabbit with the ear embroidered with a name: fucking ADDISON! What does this mean!?!? My brain wants to jump to it being a sign from the Universe to have a third child. Add 1 son. Right?? Maybe it could be our chance to have a boy finally. I don't know. I'm crazy. A third child is such a bad idea on so many levels. But I seriously can't ignore running into this name three times in one day. Hmmmm

[getteness]

Man it’s been a while. My oldest just turned five last month and my youngest turned three yesterday. It’s incredible how much time flies while also feeling like it stays the same. Like right now hubs and I are elbows deep in the throes of tiny human woes. It seems like it’ll never end some days. However it is totally worth it. Those little girls are out of this world. Love them to bits. Meanwhile I’m still juggling work and grad school. I feel like I’ll never graduate! 😩

[getteness]

10.26.2021

So I didn't get the job I had applied for and stressed over. I'm disappointed in myself a bit. I'm trying not to let it get me down (I'm pretty sure I'm the newest of the new people that applied and interviewed), but it stings a bit. Especially since I have to deal with people brining it up constantly all day. And I have to move my stuff out of the desk I was sitting at, so that makes it more awkward.

I keep trying to tell myself that the Universe was looking out for me, that I didn't need any more on my plate right now. Hopefully something else will be in store for me. But until then, I just really want to go home and crawl under the blankets.

[getteness]

09.17.21

I have my first appointment with my BetterHelp therapist today. I'm nervous-- giddy, even. I just want this to be the first step in feeling better.

[getteness]

06.26.2021

Blurgh so I feel like a failure today. I've managed to pay for the second damaged library book since I started working for the library. Grrr. At least it's not my fault this time. Hubs poured wine on it last night...

So I go up to the front desk to pay for the book and everything, and a coworker comes up to me to see what's going on. Dammit. This is the same coworker that looked over my shoulder the other day and saw that I was doing the "Dial Back the Drinking" challenge on the health website. So now I look like an alcoholic when I really am not. I'm trying to get from a couple glasses of wine a week down to zero, not a ridiculous amount down to a few. Blurgh. I hate being misrepresented but I also don't want to make it awkward and have to explain myself. I guess I just wanted to put that out somewhere into the universe.

[getteness]

04.15.2021

So I had my second vaccine dose on Tuesday, and I was a hot mess yesterday. Body aches, chills, headaches, fatigue. It was terrible. I feel a lot better today-- still a bit fatigued and sore in the arm.

In other news, our realtor is coming over tomorrow to give us a rundown of all the things we have to do to get the house on the market. I am super nervous about this. I have a feeling she is going to tear us a new asshole with all the things that need to be pared down and straightened up. We're probably going to need at least two storage units. Hopefully, it'll be worth it. I just want us to settle into a forever home. I hate that feeling of being in a temporary setting. Hopefully, the kiddos will take it well. My eldest is experiencing some BIG feelings lately.

[getteness]

03.29.2021

It's def been a while. I think I was in a bit of a fog due to post- partum depression. I thought I had somehow escaped it, but nah, I definitely needed an increased dose of Zoloft. I'm feeling better, and I'm feeling more hopeful. I think it's also the start of Spring and the end of the SAD that's been helping as well.

In other news, the hubs and I are seriously considering selling our current house and moving into a larger house in order to make room for our tiny humans and all the stuff they come with (as well as having a proper guest room for out-of-town family). However, buying in a sellers' market is a hot ass mess. Not to mention the amount of house envy we've been experiencing due to all of our close friends moving into three-story McMansions in great school districts. Blurgh. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I feel like we're always a step behind those elusive Joneses. I just want a sign that we're either going in the right direction or just fucking it all up. Ya know, just a tiny hint.

[getteness]

02.19.21

It's hard to believe that my second born is going to be one year old tomorrow. Like, what?? I'm sad that I don't have a tiny squishy baby anymore, but I'm also excited to see the new things she learns and how much closer to walking she is getting. There's a tiny voice in my head that's starting to say "Maybe a third kid wouldn't be so bad..." Ugh. A third is all I can have, but I still want to wait a few more years to give the old ute time to rest.

I've been battling with post-partum depression, and I didn't even realize until recently. I got a new job back in December (finally), and I've been feeling "meh" about it. I should be ecstatic that I finally landed a job with the city and I a, no longer a slave to my old toxic job. I knew something was up at that point. So today I have a virtual doctor's appointment to increase my Zoloft. That will hopefully be a start.

[getteness]

01.06.21

Meh my brain has been bugging me lately. I think it’s time for a med check and to seriously find a new doctor. I’ve been putting it off. I even tried just now to call, I dialed the wrong number, got flustered, and now I can’t call again because my work break is over. Dammit. Perhaps I can do better tomorrow.

On that note, I need a hobby. A work email went around wanting to know people’s hobbies. I seriously don’t have any. All I do is work, come home, get the kids ready for bed, then watch an hour of trash television til I go to sleep and do it again. Where has my passion gone? I don’t draw, bake, do anything anymore. Ugh. Alright I’m done.

Oh and happy new year