gaypanic97 - Tumblr blog

[gaypanic97]

every once in a while as an adult, you must ask yourself if your childhood imaginary friends would be proud of the person you are today. if the answer is ever no, you should go find a tree to climb immediately.

[gaypanic97]

sometimes healing your inner child is just painting your nails black while scream-singing along to Kelly Clarkson’s masterpiece 2004 album Breakaway in an empty room.

[gaypanic97]

I saw the first post a few days ago, and it sent me into a brief existential spiral before I willingly erased it from my memory (aging is my mortal enemy from which I can never escape). Finding this reblog gave me a much-needed different perspective and a reality check on my own fatalistic stupidity. So, thank you for that.

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

[gaypanic97]

It’s the 4th day of 2024, and I’m still wondering why the writers of OUAT were so hellbent on trying to convince us that so many beautiful, obviously queer women were down to fuck rumplestiltskin

[gaypanic97]

Before you have a slight stroke like I did upon first reading this—read the username.

Obama had a true crime podcast and a group of my classmates and I decided we were gonna solve to crimes. We solved two cold cases before the FBI started trying to stop us and then Joe Biden yelled at them.

I’m not even American.

[gaypanic97]

Me, stepping outside my home on a crisp October morning, only to find a colony of my arch nemeses, The Bees, still alive and buzzing:

[gaypanic97]

if I had a nickel for every time seth green played the nice boyfriend of the bookish, nerdy girl who fights supernatural beings with her group of friends (called the scooby gang) led by her pretty but badass best friend (played by sarah michelle gellar) before she eventually came out as a lesbian, I'd have two nickels.

[gaypanic97]

So, I’m a true crime fan, which I know is something we’re all sick of hearing at this point in the game. But it’s true. I like watching crime documentaries just like I like watching historical documentaries—it’s interesting and tragic and informational. Dramatizations are not as much my forte, unless you count Netflix’s Mindhunters. That show is great, but almost every other true crime drama show I’ve watched just made me feel icky. (Hence why I haven’t watched the Dahmer thing yet. Feels… gross.)

That being said, I have never really looked into the true crime community on tumblr. The tiktok ones can be pretty insufferable at times, though, so I decided to see if there were some cool research-based posts/blogs on here. And there were.

To get to those, however, I had to sift through an ungodly amount of fan-club blogs of some sick motherfuckers. Namely, the Columbine shooters and Adam Lanza. Icons of those assholes. What are you saving the icons for? Edits made with captions about how handsome they are or intelligent and god knows what else. What the actual fuck, man?

Frankly, I’m confused. Why is there this weird, cult like obsession with those pricks online? Is this a new thing, or am I just late to the party here? Columbine was almost 24 years ago now. Sandy Hook was ten. I’m so confused why people have started worshipping these guys?

Why them, too? A bunch of pathetic, sickening, psychotic losers? And I know what some of you are thinking. It’s language and treatment like that that made them into the monsters they became. Yes. Bullying is terrible. It shouldn’t happen. It can destroy lives. But those pieces of shit lost any chance of sympathy from me the moment they started killing other children. In Adam Lanza’s case, elementary grade kids who never did fucking shit to him.

I get pissed off over all the mass shooters, serial killers, rapists, etc. As someone whose family was torn apart by a murder years ago, I fucking hate those guys. I don’t care about their background. I don’t care that their childhood sucked. I don’t care that they felt alone. I don’t fucking care. Should someone have stepped in to help before the crimes were committed? Yes. When you see behavior like that, you acknowledge the red flags and try to prevent escalation. But I don’t buy the post-arrest confessions, teary trial apologies, or sob story suicide letters. You had a choice. You came from shit, you lived through shit, and you could’ve chosen to be better than that. Better than your family life. Better than the bullies. Better than your fucking diagnosis. You had a choice, and you decided to fucking kill innocent children.

And as much as the murders piss me off, I think that the murder apologists are even worse. You know this asshole killed/tortured/raped people? Actual people. Real life, breathing people with lives and families and futures and dreams. They killed them brutally, and you want to talk about them being misunderstood or relatable? Fuck right off. No way. Get the fuck out of here. Find a new obsession, a new hero, a new fixation. Liking fictional film/television/book villains is one thing—that shit is fake, and I get it. But now you’re romanticizing real life murderers and rapists and necrophiliacs and goddamn cannibals (see Dahmer comment above)?? I am astounded and disgusted and fucking sick.

Grow the fuck up. If you met Adam Lanza, Eric Harris, or Dylan Klebold while they were alive, you wouldn’t have been able to “fix” them or whatever. There would’ve been no romantic bullshit. You would’ve just been another victim. So, maybe you should consider the kids killed and the families whose lives were ruined instead of the twisted, insane, nasty motherfuckers who pulled the trigger?

Jesus, fuck. I’ve never angry posted before, but here you go.

[gaypanic97]

I’m sorry. I know this was an artsy post, but this is where my trash brain went to instantly.

I love you rings I love you camera I love you art I love you music I love you books I love you museums I love you poetry I love you beach I love you fictional characters I love you day dreaming I love you comfort food I love you candles

[gaypanic97]

I’m about to get on a tangent here, but I’ve seen a ton of hot takes on Anakin and Obi Wan’s relationship since Kenobi came out. Be warned—spoilers for the prequels, A New Hope, and slight for Kenobi ahead.

The major take, of course, focuses on how, since his fall in RotS to A New Hope, the Emperor always felt threatened by Obi Wan. Hence the whole “your feelings for your old master cloud your judgment” comment. Anakin spent most of his life with Obi Wan. He learned from him, looked up to him, and sought his approval. He loved him.

And, while I guess I understand where the ship comes from, I don’t think it was a romantic love or a crush. Padme was always Anakin’s true love, but Obi Wan was something else. Not quite a father. Not quite but close. Think of Anakin’s childhood. A mother who loved him more than anything but was helpless to save him from the circumstances they were both entrapped by. No father. The closest thing to a male role model he had as a boy was Watto, which obviously doesn’t count because he legit owned Anakin. There were no heroes for him to look up to as a kid.

Enter two Jedi who are everything he’s ever idealized them to be. Qui Gon seems to instantly connect with him, sensing his Force sensitivity, and steps in as something like a paternal figure. Obi Wan’s first impressions are different. Now, I haven’t read the Phantom Menace book, so I’m going solely of the film here. Obi Wan is suspicious of the whole situation at first. He knows how the Council will feel about Qui Gon attempting to take on Anakin as a Padawan, and he warns him against it. Considering he currently is Qui Gon’s Padawan—and, if we follow the Jedi Apprentice storyline, we know all that he went through to become his Padawan and how much he values that title—it might stand to reason Obi Wan could feel just the tiniest bit envious. After losing his previous Padawan, Qui Gon did not want to take on another. Obi Wan had to beg and prove himself to get his Master to agree to it. And here Qui Gon is not just desiring to teach Anakin but insisting that he will. You can imagine Obi Wan’s emotions were extremely conflicted during this period.

By the end of TPM, though, that source of conflict is tragically and brutally removed (I have a special place in my heart for Darth Maul, but I’ll never forgive him for killing Qui Gon Jinn like that). Obi Wan grows substantially in that time, and he learns exactly why Qui Gon wanted to train Anakin: he is the Chosen One, and he will bring balance to the Force. So, with or without the Council’s permission, he chooses to fulfill his Master’s dying wish and train Anakin. Not wanting to lose Obi Wan, the Council allows it, despite Anakin’s clear inner turmoil.

So, now Obi Wan has the large (literally) shoes of Qui Gon Jinn to fill, and he has only just be promoted from Padawan to Jedi Knight. Not only is his apprentice older than most, he’s also the Chosen One. A prodigy by all accounts. That’s a lot of pressure on one approximately 20-something year old. Even while Anakin’s initial training takes place at the Temple, Obi Wan must feel that long oppressive shadow looming over him. And yet he prevails. By Attack of the Clones, he is older and wiser. Anakin has grown as well, but he is still headstrong and cocky. He displays everything a Jedi is not meant to be, in spite or perhaps because of his raw talent in the Force. There is tension building there between them throughout. The feeling of a young man teetering on the precipice of adulthood and seeking to show his mentor he is ready.

We see this in their arguments in AotC, but we also see it in the flashbacks in Kenobi. Anakin knows he’s good. He knows he’s strong in the Force. He knows he’s an excellent lightsaber duelist. He just wants Obi Wan to acknowledge that as well, and he will go so far as to dive into a battle with Count Dooku—a Sith Lord three times his age with extensive experience killing Jedi—to accomplish it. Consequently, he loses his hand but not his Master’s respect.

For his part, Obi Wan knows how powerful Anakin is. He believes in Anakin, and he loves him. But he can also sense the Dark Side’s power within him. He loves Anakin very much, but he also fears what he could become. He worries over him. I imagine that, each time he sees his Padawan displaying passion and brash anger and even violent hatred, Obi Wan hears the words of the Council echoed in his mind. Of the dark power within him. Couple that with his obvious strength, and Obi Wan fears everything he has taught Anakin could be used for the enemy.

He is hesitant to give praise. Mindful to reprimand. Quick to discipline. In the end, this is the way in which Obi Wan fails Anakin.

This is not to say Obi Wan is to blame for Anakin’s fall. He isn’t. That is clear in RotS. When we meet the pair then, they are no longer Master and Padawan. Yes, there is still a level of reverence for Obi Wan from Anakin, but they are equals. Two Jedi Knights, renowned for their skill and success in the Clone Wars. Obi Wan turns to Anakin for help during their missions as often as Anakin does him—maybe even more. They are friends. Brothers. This is where the change comes. Obi Wan was never Anakin’s father figure. He was his older brother, his confidant and his most trustworthy friend. Even when Anakin didn’t know it, Obi Wan was always on his side. Always fighting for him.

So, how did Obi Wan fail Anakin if their relationship was so great? Well, as I said earlier, Anakin is nothing if not desperate for approval. He always has been. When he was a Padawan, Obi Wan was not quick to give that. Not necessarily his fault—that appears to canonically be the way most Masters behave with their Padawans, barring a few. However, when Anakin achieves Knighthood and shows such promise, such devotion to the Order and the Republic, those fears are muted for Obi Wan. He loves Anakin so much. He has known him so long. He cannot conceive that he could fall. Anakin overcame his anger and hatred back on Tatooine. He has learned to accept loss of his loved ones. His training is complete.

With this change of relationship, though, Anakin’s issues do not magically go away. As we all know, the treatment we receive from those we look up to as children follow us throughout life. He still wants to prove the doubts of Obi Wan and the Council wrong. Enter Sheev Palpatine, the creepiest Senator in the galaxy. Seriously, rewatch RotS. Tell me he does not look at Anakin like a slab of meat. Unlike Obi Wan, Palpatine is always quick to praise Anakin as the best and brightest of the Order. He befriends him at a disturbingly young age (i.e. their interactions in AotC) and gives him the positive attention and reinforcement that Obi Wan does not, albeit with sinister intent. He slithers his way between the two and drives a wedge there. A wedge he then spends the next two films and, say, 10-15 years building. He tries to become that role model Obi Wan is to Anakin.

But he can’t. Not for a while. Not ever, one could argue. When they rescue him from Dooku in RotS, Palpatine tries to convince Anakin to leave him for dead. Anakin refuses, accepting possible death with Obi Wan over abandoning his former Master. He can manipulate Anakin against the Council. Against Mace Windu and Yoda and the Republic itself. He cannot manipulate him against Obi Wan.

The only person who can do that, coincidentally, is Anakin himself. His self doubt. His fear of losing Padme. That is what turns him against Obi Wan. It’s clear that he thinks something is stirring between Obi Wan and Padme. He gets angry when Padme suggests telling Obi Wan about her pregnancy earlier in the film. He is jealous of his Master. Because, deep down, Obi Wan is the pinnacle of what Anakin longs to be. He has looked up to him almost his entire life. He has seen how the Council interacts with Obi Wan versus how they interact with him. And he knows that, without Obi Wan, he wouldn’t even be a Jedi.

Obi Wan is Anakin’s hero. Why wouldn’t Padme choose him? Why wouldn’t she let him convince her that Anakin is evil? Why would anyone choose him over the man he holds above all others?

And we all know what happens after that. The two battle and, even in all his dark strength, even with his hatred, Anakin cannot defeat Obi Wan. He is beaten and must be reassembled by Palpatine. In the end, he loses the woman he loved to the very power he thought would save her.

But Kenobi gives us another perspective here. A new lens to view this through. Yes, we see the turmoil between the two through their cat-and-mouse chases as well their confrontations. However, I think Palpatine’s words say so much at the end. He knows that Anakin couldn’t kill Obi Wan. But Darth Vader should’ve been able to. He is the greatest terror in the galaxy. One of the strongest Sith Lords to ever exist. Obi Wan should’ve never defeated him again. Unless there is still some Ani Skywalker inside of him, buried under all that rage.

That is Palpatine’s greatest fear throughout the original trilogy. That is the only thing that concerns him. Not the Rebels. Not the few remaining Jedi in the galaxy. The only thing that could stop him is if he was wrong about Anakin. If he wasn’t able to squelch out all of Obi Wan’s lessons after all.

And you know what I’ve been considering lately? What if Obi Wan knew this, too? Maybe not at the end of Kenobi when he walked away from Darth Vader. I think he really was crushed and hopeless at that point. But maybe it came from the only two pieces of his old friend that he could see. Maybe it came from reflecting on his time with Leia. Maybe it came from watching Luke grow from afar. Maybe Obi Wan could sense that the goodness he’d known in Anakin was planted in those two kids. And maybe he even knew that, one day, it was the goodness in Luke and Leia that would redeem Anakin Skywalker and bring him back.

Maybe that’s why, when he finally allowed Darth Vader to strike him down willingly, there was a little smile pricking at Old Ben Kenobi’s mouth.

[gaypanic97]

Me seeing my friends swoon over David “Dad Bod” Harbour in Stranger Things when Winona “Mom Jeans” Ryder is literally right there

[gaypanic97]

Me seeing my friends swoon over David “Dad Bod” Harbour in Stranger Things when Winona “Mom Jeans” Ryder is literally right there

[gaypanic97]

me: will I survive the apocalypse?

this fuckin quiz:

hi i made a uquiz

what are your chances of surviving the end of the world?

[gaypanic97]

I’ve been saying this for almost two years, and honestly

god i hope whatever bullshit happens next is funny

[gaypanic97]

is tumblr advertising lumberjack porn to me, a lesbian, as a side job?

[gaypanic97]

Who the fuck is out here writing Folgercest fanfic I just wanna talk

the second most fucked up part of the folgers incest commercial is the brother is coming home from africa and his reaction to the folgers is "finally, real coffee"

[gaypanic97]

This is adorable, but I just know that every time one of those skunks turned their back towards him this dude’s butthole clenched.

Have you ever asked yourself: “What does the skunk say?” unmute to find out