fuck-my-parents

[fuck-my-parents]

Just how shitty parents act when you are with them and then a complete 180 shift when you go to the other parent like they're waiting for you to be back.

Like for what? To be treated like shit anyway and accept it because I should accept your toxic love? If you can't love me the way I need, you simply do not love me.

[fuck-my-parents]

these days, the summer fan is on, and there is a little cricket in you. your mother would say you don't have ambition, but that's not quite true. you just had different priorities: for most of your life, the pain swallowed so much of your energy that picturing a future was almost impossible. it took so much just to render yourself here without evaporating - making goals always felt shallow, far-off.

at 17, maybe you would have wanted to be famous. maybe you would have wanted to kiss every woman and come home late at night and call the dawn to heel like a dog. to meet taylor swift and ask her to collaborate on poems and french-kiss in the rain. to wiggle your fingers at jealous ex-lovers while you lifted the hem of your ballgown and got out of limousines. a life of rooftops, spinning and glittering.

these days, it isn't that you're tired, but that you have learned the weight of carrying things. you have had the good times. you have laughed at the bottom of a pool. you have had your hands on the paring knife. you know the cost of it, like a carcinogen. these days, you want a life like a stone fruit. these days, you want a life that lays gently on your skin, rather than piercing through.

you are going to get a little condo with your friend. the two of you fantasize about basic things: how it will feel to cook in a friendly kitchen. the serenity of picking out wall paint colors. putting plants in the sunlit corner. you want a place that never rings in anger. where the only echo is jazz music. you want a peace like holding your head under the water.

ah. maybe your younger self would be devastated - you got boring?

she doesn't know yet. she has lived her entire life terrified, running. she has grown so accustomed to the threat that she has fallen in love with the scythe. she thinks passionate and violent are synonyms, that anything lovely has to come with a bad side. she thinks life has to break like a wave - that you need to swallow the ocean in order to stay above the foam. she doesn't know about the boat yet. she doesn't know about spending hours at home, quiet, your hands folded, finding peace. she doesn't know about weightlessness. she thinks everything good is everything sharp. that the pain is what makes something satisfying.

one day she will make cookies from scratch. one day when she breaks a plate, she will be the only one around, and nobody will start shouting. one day she will slip her fingers under the sand, and it will make sense to her. the life assembling in little shards: oh. i've been afraid of a quiet life at home because i've never had a quiet home to come to before.

the gentle world inside her, singing behind a door.

[fuck-my-parents]

“I feel like I am so far behind in life that I will never catch up. Everyone is doing so many things with their lives. I am just here. Frozen. I have been a ghost for years. I wonder if that is all I will ever be.”

—

[fuck-my-parents]

smoke signals

[fuck-my-parents]

Neglected children will go 'At least I have freedom! Because nobody pays attention so I can do whatever I want!' and then go and use the 'freedom' to mainly endanger themselves

[fuck-my-parents]

Do you want me to be what you are? Or be something you never could?

“Tell me, father, which to ask forgiveness for: what I am, or what I’m not? Tell me, mother, which should I regret: what I became, or what I didn’t?”

— thoughts of a stray iii | m.a.w

[fuck-my-parents]

Inappropriate age gap relationships(very young teens)

TW: using the f word a bit strongly, old/young relationships, slight sexual context.

Older men or even older people dating minor/just turned 18 young girls or just much younger women/people in general, really just fuck you. Break up with them right now, get out of their lives.

I had a "thing" with a guy much, much older than me. Sure I knew I shouldn't be doing it, that it was wrong, all of it, and more. I was also a fucking child and was in a terrible phase mentally, which isn't even the point. I was a fucking child who needed some kind of validation and care and that was the only way I found it then.

I saw some comment under some post saying something like "the things I'd say to my younger self" which is pretty basic but I thought of my self back then and just kinda imagined saying something like "I'll give you all the care and love and attention you deserve but please get out of that thing/relationship. I'll even do the sexual things for you if that's what and why you won't break it off."

I talk to myself or to older versions of myself almost as a completely different entity because it makes it easier to have more space and perception, but the second I thought of that last line, I got grossed out, not because I know it's just old me, but because the version of me is a CHILD and I am older than her. A CHILD who is just scared and cornered and even if she wasn't all of that, she is a child.

If you just go mathematically, the difference between my age then and now is not at all much. Like not at all. But the difference lies in the thoughts, views, personality, mental headspace, stages of puberty and brain development and so much more.

So I don't know how older people, especially men have such disgusting mindsets of seeking young girls out explicitly for the satisfaction of their own pervert thoughts. Such people are only pedophiles and abusers. Even if the relationship was consensual, children/young teens don't know enough about themselves and their lives to know what exactly they want about such romantic relationships because those things become way too personal and up close and way too real with real consequences. That is not to say that teenagers should have no autonomy and not date, dating/being around people their own age is good for them/us. If an actual adult someone 25+ (personally I think 30+) dates older people that is mostly fine, because you know the basics and then some more.

Stay away from our young girls. Every young person deserves not to have such trauma in their head even if they consented to be in a relationship with the older person/abuser.

To all the young children and teens, girls especially, if you fancy/like someone much more than a year or two older than you please know that having a fling/relationship with them is not going to help. At all. I know it feels like the end of the world with the issues you have. You want them. Any affection you're shown by them keeps being churned in your head, but know that you deserve softness and warmth and someone who gets you. Not that piece of shit who likes you most likely just for your age and body. I know you know that he's terrible, but please ACT on it. Please.

[fuck-my-parents]

Another consequence of trauma from abuse - you can not completely relax and feel unselfconscious if you’re in someone’s presence. And I don’t mean just, better manners when someone is around, I mean, you are aware, for every second, that you’re possibly being watched. And you are watching your every movement and in your head, watching it thru this other person’s eyes. You are extremely aware of how you come off, you’re developing impressions, possible vulnerable spots and conclusions the other person is presumably developing while they’re watching you. You cannot stay in your head, you need to monitor how you’re being perceived, because being perceived in a negative way has costed you way too much than it should have in the past.

You expect your every movement to be scrutinized, your appearance to be judged, your intentions to be misread and met with hostility, your vulnerabilities revealed and your actions attacked. You’re doing all you can to prevent it. If you can gain some sort of control over their perception, you feel as if you might evade the shame and humiliation of being judged so harshly.

Normally, it shouldn’t feel this way, people who haven’t been exposed to this kind of cruelty can lose every bit of self-conscious thoughts while feeling safe with others. If you’ve been exposed to abuse, this is much harder, or even impossible. Sometimes you can’t even relax when you’re alone, and you imagine what a person might think if they were watching you right at that moment. What was inflicted on you follows you inside of your head, and when you’re in someone’s presence, it talks louder.

[fuck-my-parents]

abusive parents will be like “I wouldn’t want something bad to happen to my child"and then go and be the worst thing that ever happened to a child

[fuck-my-parents]

Me: *does something bad*

My mom: oh do you do that at your dads?!?! Are you also a little bitch with him?? Now without waiting for you to respond I'm going to talk about how much you hate me compared to your dad??!?!!

[fuck-my-parents]

Just told someone new I met upon being asked that "you used to live at X right" and I have to go... "I still kinda partially live there".

As in my love and memories and my beautiful clothes and the only brief childhood I ever got and books are there, no I haven't been there in years but I love it so much and oh god I realized the others there don't love me as much and it hurts but it's fine except that it's not fine and that it still hurts every time to think of it and I think of stabbing myself in my chest because I wonder if that will release that pressure and weight I feel on my chest.

And they go "??how does that work" and I have to go "it does..." because I don't think all my thoughts and feelings rushing under my tongue should be allowed to flow out onto strangers every time they find an unusual thing about my life.

[fuck-my-parents]

Friends' parents

I think I avoid making friends too much or more so getting close (especially as a minor) because it includes maybe visiting their house with their parents in it or just meeting parents and looking at the parents interacting so...lovingly? With each other and the child. It makes me feel so lonely and unloved and out of it all.

Like I just know I won't fit in. I am not jealous reeally. I am just sad. I am lonely and sad and there's that sad smile on my face when I see them.

It almost makes me feel like being jealous would be better but grass always seems greener on the other side, no?

Just today I was with a friend and their family and one parent ate a little and upon being offered more they replied that they'll eat more later when their spouse(i.e the other parent) gets there so that they wouldn't have to eat alone. And I went "awhhh" and the friend jokingly went "ugh haha" like finding them cringe kiddingly.

Another time, in the car with another friend and their parents, such care and thoughtfulness in the interaction. How my friend could speak anything on their mind and their daily life happenings without a thought. How the parents knew the names of their child's friends and even classmates and more and how they joked and were still encouraging my friend.

I was left feeling unworthy, small and sad.

[fuck-my-parents]

Separated parents and their new partners(a few series post)

I don't want their partners near me. I don't want to be around them.

And maybe it would have been fine if it was just occasional and I wasn't told off on how to be nice and good and whatever to them.

But on the contarary, my space and comfort zone and needs and wants too are constantly disregarded and disrespected with the presence of the partners. I am not saying that the partners are necessarily bad people, but I have the right to choose who I want around me and not, especially for such vast amounts of time. I do not want to be nor should I be forced to be around them, talk to them, especially a lot and about a lot. But I am. I do not want to always or actually ever want to think of their partners and when they are coming over so that I be dress "decently" in my own fucking supposed house?

I should not have to see their partners more than my other parent? I do not want the new partner to ask me about stuff or buy me stuff. Often times the things they buy for me without telling/asking me are forced upon me.

Fuck. Off.

[fuck-my-parents]

Separated parents and their new partners(a topic with more series)

I don't like my parents' new partners. I said it, because it is true. I'm tired of thinking of how rude it is of me or how unthoughtful or whatever.

I was angry at first, more so at the fact that the partners tried to "win me over" with gifts or whatever but actually at the reality that my parent(s) were ignoring me for them. Especially while I am distressed, they are having a good time with them right beside me.

I hate flattery and I hate feeling that way. I have no real power in their eyes and any and everything about them I feel is said to be dictated and fed into my brain and mouth by the other parent.

Yes, I do not have a mind of my own and feelings that I feel that DARE to be different than yours. /s

I knew that my parents should find other new people for themselves if they wish and like them, I wasn't angry that my parents aren't together. Because everyone we know, knows that they are terrible together.

But I hate their new partners. I hate that they make me meet them. Over and over and over. They don't care of I dislike them or hate them or whatever I feel. They only care that I don't like the person THEY like. No I don't want to talk to your partner, I am not being disrespectful but YOU are constantly disrespecting my boundaries and feelings.

(please share your thoughts, stories or whatever related to this by reblogging or commenting or by using the first tag, I want stories etc. might really help me or others and will be easy to find)

[fuck-my-parents]

toxic mothers are wild they'll really be like "I never said that" like ma'am yes you did cause it's been ingrained in my head since I was twelve

[fuck-my-parents]

Habits I've Developed that Stem from Long-term Parental Abuse

-Hiding food

-Mistrusting intentions

-Passwords on every device

-Concealing things that are normal, such as interests or things I like

-Hiding food wrappers in the trash can

-Self-conscious of outfits, hair, and makeup

-Disliking physical touch

-Holding back tears like a pro

-Hating teasing

-Keeping my phone lying screen down

-Keeping one earbud out at almost all times

-Wanting to keep doors closed even when it's just me in the house

-Hesitant to pursue my interests and practice my hobbies

-Checking to see if any door I'm going into can lock

-Hiding my journal even though it's just me and my husband

-Always anxious that someone is coming up to me when I'm not looking.

-Being nervous around older adults.

-Being a total perfectionist

-Anxious when my environment is dirty

-Feel panicky when I have something to do and I'm not doing it

-Hating Mother's Day

-Feel guilt when taking time for myself

-Denying basic needs

-Feel guilty for spending money

The little things that stay with me even after my parents are no longer in my life and by all accounts, I've moved on. But sometimes, in these moments, I go back to being that little girl who was left wondering why mommy hated her.

[fuck-my-parents]