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A while back I learned that Kurt Cobain wrote a lot of his earlier songs by just putting together poems he liked, and in English class we were analyzing The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, and I had also watched and loved Dead Poets Society. So you could say poems was on the mind. For Christmas (today) I got a book of poems by Robert Frost, I asked for it because starting January I'll be starting guitar lessons, the guitar we keep in the house hasn't been used in years so it's about time to kick it back into gear, and I thought it'd be fun to start some song writing. I have NEVER done that before, never ever played guitar before either, but there's nothing stopping me from doing it, I love music and I joined choir this year so my singing has definitely improved. I love finding more ways to be creative, and I desperately need it because I spend 90% of the time thinking about being creative but never actually doing it. That's all thank you

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Started a Batman fanfiction tonight and I regret only doing this now, because it's actually so much fun to just write about your favorite character doing your favorite shit the way that YOU think that that character would do it. And there's literally no pressure to make it good at all because the stuff on fanfiction sites is completely off the rails and NOBODY on there should have room to judge another for what they write. It's also good practice for writing about your own characters, and if I get deep enough into this I'll post it because I think I'm cooking.

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I love traveling but oh my God there is truly nothing worse than getting to your destination. I've never ever had a good experience driving 2+ hours somewhere, because usually we're staying overnight somewhere like a hotel or a relative's home, so the car is packed full of suitcases in the back and the stupid snack bag sits between me and my sister that we never use because we just get fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not to mention that my dad is the worst driver I've ever seen, and he gathers road rage like a 40 year old man who collects sexy anime dolls. And if only gets worse as the trip goes on because he gets impatient that we're not there yet. When asked why she couldn't drive instead, my mom says: "he doesn't like to give up power."

And then there's flying and oh boy flying lemme tell ya, I don't think there has been more stressful times than the times I've been to an airport, I hate them. If my mom weren't there I would be a lost wreck. First you gotta drive like 45 minutes to the airport, which already sucks, then you gotta check in and hold onto your ticket with your life, then security, and who knows how long that's gonna take, then you gotta wait for the plane to come and that can take HOURS. Then the actual flight, and depending where you go, good luck, because the flight to New Zealand was 24 hours long and holy shit even with the 7+ movies I downloaded it was miserable. Now New Zealand is very strict about what can be taken into their country, which I like because it helps preserve the ecosystem, but oh my God we had to be searched, sniff by a dog, go through the longest line I've ever seen, it was awful.

If it wasn't for Netflix and Spotify I would not survive.

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The people who hate stingrays because one killed Steve Irwin should be ashamed because that's the complete opposite of what he stood for.

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So on January 17th I’ll be going to Alaska to visit a college for a few days. One of the things we could do there is visit a wildlife center to see Musk Oxen and Reindeer, and to be frank I am so extremely excited for it. Alaska has Moose, Bears, Bald Eagles, WHALES, and is the largest and one of the least populated states in the country. It is beautiful beyond compare, it is my DREAM. The only problem is it can get -60 degrees Fahrenheit and I’m not exactly built for cold weather, but I’ll get clothes and I’ll be fine.

But to tell the truth of course I have my doubts, being so incredibly far away from my friends and family is scary, having to fly every time I want to see them isn’t something I want to do, I’d barely see them. I mean in this digital world video calling is always there but it’s not really the same, what if my mom is in the historical from a heart attack and it takes me a whole day to get there, and it’s too late? Kinda scary. So I guess I was wrong to say it’s my dream.

My REAL dream is to work on the show Whose Line is it Anyways full time in its prime the 1990s, with legends Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. Thats my real dream, but sadly will never come to fruition. Oh well, guess I’ll study animals.

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Slowly this vlog has been turning from me talking about things I find interesting into me venting and blabbing about what's terrible about my life so I apologize

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I see no point anymore. I’ll never study animals, global warming will make sure of that. I’ll never be an artist or a writer, AI will make sure of that. Who knows if I’ll even get that education I need to do that, because the fucking board of education will be dismantled. I would rather die than work a desk job, living paycheck to paycheck, barely laying for rent while CEOs of major corporations destroy the world for profit. I’d have to live with my parents, and I’d rather die. I ended a wonderful two and a half year relationship with the only person who wanted me because I got a stupid crush on a guy who won’t even be here in six months. And finals are next week. So I’m sitting here contemplating shooting myself in the face only I don’t have a gun, and I don’t want to slit my wrists because I’m afraid of pain because I’m a skinny, ugly, coward.

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Thank you to my fear of heights for saving me because if it weren’t for you I’d be jumping off of a bridge right about now

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Pulling an all nighter with my iPad because I’m afraid to sit in silence

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GOD I DONT EVEN BELIEVE IN YOU STOP GIVING ME YOUR TOUGHEST BATTLES

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Smosh Mouth Try Not to Laugh you’re my only hope

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*type type* “how to buy a gun” *type type*

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Fucking screaming and shitting and crying and loathing in self pity

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Seeing the CEO assassination all over everything has made me not afraid to say that yes, I do wish that kid didn't miss his shot at that rally.

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I want to run away so badly. I hate school, I used to like it but it's so stressful now. I feel like I don't have a best friend, and that I'm nobody's best friend. I'm not even sure who I am, I'm trying too hard to fit in. I feel ugly. If I like someone I'm too awkward, I get nervous and stutter. I feel dumb, I know I'm lazy. If I do run away I don't want a plan, maybe I'd survive, maybe I'll be killed. After school though what is there, just more work? More concrete? If I run away I'll never see my friends again, but who knows the last time I'll have seen any of them in five years. Maybe by then I won't have any friends. Maybe I don't have any friends now, and they all just know my name because I show up. Chris McCandless ran away to Alaska when he was 24. It only took him about 100 days to starve to death, desperately writing notes on the dirty bus in some small chance a hunter would read them. I can drive. I have some money, there's tools in weapons in the house, warm clothes and blankets. There's plant books and survival books. The only thing that's stopping me is the knowledge and hope that people do care about me.

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Today in Ethnic Studies we read 'Finding my Eye-Dentity', an essay by Olivia Chung. She tells her story about living as a Korean girl, being called 'Chinaman' by kids in kindergarten, watching her friends get surgery on their eyes and being told by her own mom that she should get it. It would make her more beautiful supposedly. In the last paragraph she talks about opening her eyes to a broader sense of beauty, and really everyone should do the same.

Beauty standards today are created for product, for money. To dig into someone's insecurities and encourage them to change who they are so they'll buy that pill to lose weight. There's nothing wrong with losing weight, but not losing it is not bad. I think we need to separate being attractive and being beautiful, because attractiveness deals with preferences. You may like brunettes over blondes, or small over large, but that doesn't make either better than the other. Everyone is beautiful, just to you they might not be attractive.

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Recently my friend turned me into an emo fag by introducing me to My Chemical Romance. So I'm doing my due part and listing my favorite five. I'm not at all an expert, no I don't care if I just picked all the popular ones, because they're popular for a reason dammit. Anyways here it is.

Also if you're wondering my favorite album is revenge, I think the music is better in TBP but revenge has more bangers.

Hm: The End - The guitar in this is ASTONISHING. Ray Toro the musician you are.

5. Dead! - I love this song. It doesn't make me very emotional but the ranges in vocals and music are so so good. Paired with The End it's almost a flawless transition between the two and it makes me orgasm. Also it would be great if we were dead.

4. The Black Parade - This is their most popular song for good reason. I've cried to this more than once because to me it has such a meaningful message about being a good person to 'the beaten and the damned' as well as just 'carrying on.' My favorite part is after the first piano part, and Gerard repeats the lyrics just screaming and shouting. It's incredible.

3. Sleep - I never see anyone talk about this song. I don't know why, because it's so amazing. It gives me chills Everytime I listen to it, everything in the chorus is incredible, and it's perfect for a sad day. Sleep needs more recognition.

2. You Know What They do to Guys Like us in Prison - I'm obsessed with the beginning of this song. It's very different from their other song from what I can tell, and Gerard really gets to show off his vocals in it. Then we also get to the screaming and shitting and the incredible music and all the emotions and you get it.

1. Thank you for the Venom - I mean what to say about this song: the lyrics are great, the music is INCREDIBLE, even though he's practically shitting the entire time Gerard still sounds great. It's the type of song you sing when you're sad and mad and just want to scream your heart out. Mostly though this song is my favorite because I associate it with great memories.

Thank you for watching.