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Taking Longer Than I Had Hoped.

So things are taking a little longer than I had hoped. I was supposed to hear from the endocrinologist no later than two Fridays ago. That didn’t happen but I did see my doctor again today. They sent something to the endocrinologist but I think something went wrong with the fax so they’re sending it out again. My doctor then said they’ll call me in about a week or two with an update and when I should hear from the endocrinologist. Things are in motion but it’s just taking awhile and is a little frustrating.

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Just One of those Days

So today I am feeling rather depressed. It’s just one of those days. Every little thing at the moment reminds me of my sex assigned at birth rather than the gender I truly am. I’m happy and super excited that I have a prescription for spironolactone but that’s not doing much to help my mood right now. It’s days like this that make it hard to go on. But I will persevere. I’ll keep moving forward and, someday, I will be seen as the woman I truly am.

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Wonderful News

Hey everyone! I have wonderful news to share today. So today I had an appointment with my doctor. A part of me was expecting the same result as last time and that I wouldn’t be able to start hormones due to an issue with my pituitary gland. Although my cortisol levels were low, I was still given a prescription for spironolactone, which is a testosterone blocker. I have to wait to see an endocrinologist before I can start taking spironolactone but that will be anytime between two to four weeks from now and I have the prescription so I should be able to start taking spiro this month! I have been waiting for this for so long. It’s hard to believe it’s finally here. It shouldn’t be too long now before I can start taking estrogen. :)

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Good and Bad News

So we’ll start with some bad news. I was feeling depressed today. My depression has been slowly building over the last few days. Depression was accompanied by dysphoria and doubts about my gender identity. Sometimes there are things that can cause me to doubt that I’m actually a woman, even though I experience gender dysphoria, I imagine myself as a woman most of the time, and want to be perceived as female more than anything else. So the depression is bad but I have good news as well.

I had a blood test done and have an appointment with my doctor on June 2. Hopefully everything is fine on my blood test. I would have started hormones last summer if everything was fine but there was a problem with my pituitary gland. Hopefully nothing like that comes up. If everything’s fine, I may be able to start hormones. I also feel quite confident about my gender identity at this specific moment in time. That confidence has also raised my mood so I’m not feeling as depressed as I was. I also hung out with some friends yesterday, who are also transgender, and they used my preferred name and pronouns, which made me feel pretty good. So the past week had both good and bad news but I think there was more good than bad.

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Talked to my Doctor

I finally got a call back from my doctor! Apparently she had contacted the endocrinologist but never heard anything back. I received a requisition for a blood test though. After I get my blood test done, I’ll be able to schedule another appointment. I’m really hoping that I can finally get the ball rolling in my transition. The last time there was a problem with my pituitary gland. If there’s nothing wrong this time, I may be able to start spironolactone. I guess we’ll see at my next appointment.

In terms of my college email, things seem to have gotten worse. After I changed my password, I haven’t been able to log in. It worked fine for a day after I changed my password but now it just says that my username or password is incorrect, even though I know they’re both right. After my account was hacked, at least I could still log in. I’ll be at school tomorrow so I’m going to go see IT again. Hopefully they can resolve this issue without anymore problems.

[flickeringhope1]

Still Waiting

So I’m still waiting for my doctor to call me. I’m beginning to wonder if they actually will. I’m thinking that I’ll call back at the beginning of June if I haven’t heard back by then.

My mood this week is alright. I’m not in a super good mood like I was last week but I’d say I’m still in a good mood, so that’s positive.

In other news, my college email account was hacked so that wasn’t so great. A whole bunch of random emails got sent out to random people I don’t even know, asking to talk. I went to IT today though and they helped me flag an email I received as phishing and they also helped me change my password so it should be fine now.

So a quick summary, I’m still waiting to hear from my doctor but hopefully they call back soon. My college email account was hacked but it should be fine now. My overall mood is good.

[flickeringhope1]

Wonderful Week

I am in such a great mood this week. I’m not entirely sure why but it’s great. I was feeling really depressed and gender dysphoric for several weeks so it feels amazing to be in such a good mood. I was hoping to hear back from my doctor by now but I only called two days ago. She’s also very busy, she’s not even accepting any new patients at the moment, so it could take a little while. Hopefully I’ll hear back soon. I also went to a transgender support group tonight, which helped boost my mood, putting me in an even better mood than I was already in. I’ve had such a good week this week and I just wanted to share.

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Transgender Feelings

I haven’t used tumblr in ages but I’ve been feeling dysphoric lately and a friend of mine said a blog might help, so here I am. Sometimes it’s really good just to get some things out. How do I feel right now? I’m actually feeling okay today. My dysphoria isn’t too bad today. It was really bad the past few weeks but it seems to have lessened. It often feels like my transition is going nowhere, and that’s a big part of where my dysphoria has been coming from, but that’s not entirely true. It’s going very slow but I am making gradual progress in my transition. I would probably have started hormones last summer though if there wasn’t a problem with my pituitary gland so that’s very frustrating. However, I did just call my doctor today, because it has been awhile since I’ve heard back from them, and it sounded like she did talk to an endocrinologist and I’m pretty sure they’ll call me back. The receptionist emailed my doctor and told me she’d call me back once she hears back from my doctor. It sounded very promising when they said they’d call me back so hopefully something comes from that. I believe calling my doctor today was a part of this gradual progress which may be why I don’t feel as dysphoric today. Maybe I’ll even be able to start HRT this summer. I really hope so.

[flickeringhope1]

I know this feeling.

7002) this is such a silly thing but a lot of cis people seem to post about how awesome and liberating it is to be home alone and be able to not wear pants, or to even be completely nude. but i will never know how great that supposedly feels (unless i get the surgeries to be comfortable with myself) because in order for my dysphoria not to go insane, i need to stay 100% fully clothed as frequently as i can.

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6997) As many downsides that being transgender has, I think (as cliché as it sounds) I'm a better person for it. I don't judge people, over anything, and I know for a fact I was judgmental before transitioning. So if I can take anything from all this it's that i'll give anybody, regardless how they present themselves, a fair chance. Because I now know how hard it is to live with people not liking you for mere presentation.

[flickeringhope1]

You know all those wonderful Conservative parents who proceed to abandon, kick out, or cut off their children for any reason (including, but not limited to a child’s sexuality)? Well here we go:

“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8 (NKJV)

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500 likes!

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6531) Before I accepted I was trans I thought I was gay, because I thought the only deviation from the typical masculine straight male was being an overly feminine gay guy. I don't even like men.

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I love both cats and monarchs. This is wonderful.

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6190) No matter how many years I've felt like this and how similar my thoughts are to other trans people, I just can't shake the thought that this is all a delusion I've become overindulged in. The worry paralyses me.

[flickeringhope1]

This is amazing. I teared up a bit while reading this. Your sister is awesome.

1118) My little sister was the first to know about me being a girl when she walked in on me trying on one of her cute summer dresses when I was 10. I expected her to get furious, but instead she closed the door, talked to me, and helped me style my hair and do my makeup. Today, 12 years later, she helped me choose my wedding dress.

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6034) I'm really scared of people's reactions to my gender identity. I want to start dressing more feminine but I'm afraid. this is a really basic mtf confession but I needed to get it off my chest.