firerubyjam

[firerubyjam]

why can't I just shout the brain and have some peace, I hate to remember the past

[firerubyjam]

growing up with an angry father is terrifying but growing up a daughter with an angry mother is gut wrenching because you get it, you understand that she’s been worn down by the world and being treated as less and she’s been carrying the rage and traumas of her mother and her mother before her and her mother before her and when you see her you recognise that same rage in you

but her rage is not pointed at the world, it’s pointed at you because you’re 14 and not used to the harshness of it yet but she will make sure you get there and you don’t know what to do but cry and she hates seeing your tears because they make her nauseous

growing up with an angry mother feels like being ripped apart because you know she loves you, she’s your worst enemy, she makes you feel safe, she terrifies you, she’s your best friend, she’s the reason you can’t let people get close, you love her, you never cried over a boy or a girl as much as you cried over her words, she made you, you’re her puppet, you’re desperate to leave, you’ll never escape her blood or her judging gaze and even when you leave you can hear her voice in your head and it will haunt you until you’re dead

you understand her rage but you see it in yourself and that scares you more than anything else

[firerubyjam]

I've been mentally abused by my mother for so many years. I can't even remember one time in my childhood where I felt understood. Sometimes I think that my mother doesn't know that I'm her child and she is the parent. I'm her parent more than she is with me because I talk to her and I try to understand her, but what I truly want is to be accepted and loved. She has no interest in the person I am, she doesn't care at all. Why my mother doesn't think that I am interesting enough or whorty enough to spend time with? Why she always have to compare me with the others that had more love by their parents?

I wish I had a better relationship with both of my parents and sometimes I wish they never had me at all. Social standards makes people think that they need a family to be considered important, but what people truly need is love. It's a loveless world we live in, isn'it?

I can't even talk to a friend about this hole, this doubt that I have in my mind. I just keep to myself the poison, psychiatrists are too expensive.

Parents ruin childrend's life by giving them life itself.

[firerubyjam]

mid autumn

Age: 22

Hair: long died blonde

Weight: ??? I don't know, in the 60ixies I think

Close friends: 4+2

Bestie: 3

Last time I cried: I don't remeber, proud of me

What I like about myself: my semplicity, my awkwardness

What I don't like: I'm a stick moving

Current reading: nothing

Current fanfic: nothing

Goals: pass all my exams, be brave and leave my town and home

Worried about: college, climate change, being broke and can't afford basic needs

Excited about: Christmas and New Year celebration, Secret Santa

Happiness: 8/10

Confidence: 7/10

Mental situation: stable, I'm good, I'm actually are

Love life: by my own, forever and ever but it's okay

Wish: get the best scores in university, to be always that happy and full of life

[firerubyjam]

I forgive the world because it has you

[firerubyjam]

SOS

I want to read She Wasn't A Guy but I can't found the title in german. Has someone translated it in german???

plz tell me

[firerubyjam]

mid autumn

Age: 21

Hair: long but not as muchas they used to be

Weight: 60.2 kg

Close friends: 3

Bestie: nobody

Last time I cried: I don't remeber, proud of me

Bank account: got a job and got fired very soon, still miserable

What I like about myself: nothing

What I don't like: everything from the way I look to the way I move my body, I'm so awkward all the time

Current reading: 22.11.63, mary poppins, radio silence

Current fanfic: ATYD the war

Goals: pass all my exams, be brave and leave my town and home

Worried about: college, climate change, being broke and can't afford basic needs

Excited about: my books... that's so pathetic, just not really into anything

Happiness: 3/10

Confidence: 2/10. why can't I be like my friends?

Mental situation: bad, I hate myself and everything. I feel left out from my friends, I feel like the last weel of the wagon, I feel so immature and childish respect people of my age. I alway think about having a glow up but actually never do anything to make it hapens. I also feel very stupid, very ugly. I cover this situation by isolating myself and my mind tricks me I always feel so shitty and I doubting myself constantly.

Love life: by my own

Wish: please universe send me an angel, a patient one with a dazzling light one that finally sees and make me their mate, because right now I'm invisible by my own eyes too. I just want to be heard and loved, like I do with other people.

[firerubyjam]

[firerubyjam]

I will always be James and never Regulus

I will always be Sirius and never Remus

I will always be the obsessed one, never the obsessed over

[firerubyjam]

Always an angel never a God

Always the writer never the muse

Always the medicine never the cure

Always the lover never the loved

Always a choice never the chosen

Always a distraction never a solution

Always smart never gifted

Always trying never enough

Always good never great

[firerubyjam]

Beginning of summer

Age: 21

Hair: still long

Weight: 61.5 kg

Close friends: 3

Bestie: nobody

Last time I cried: yesterday

Bank account: I'm still not rich, and I haven't found a job

What I like about myself: my eyes color

What I don't like: my body I feel fat

Current reading: 22.11.63

Current fanfic: ATYD 7

Goals: pass all my exams

Worried about: college

Excited about: summer is coming

Happiness: 6,5/10

Confidence: 4/10. I broke all my promises and I'm the only person to accuse.

Mental situation: high and low, sometimes I feel shitty, not the best in general

Love life: peacefully single

Favourite actor: Mr. Gorgeous aka Timothee Chalamet

Last movie seen: Dear Evan Hansen 10/10

[firerubyjam]

I love being a woman but I am so sick of everything. It's not a gender crisis but more the delusion of living in a world like this.

I don't want to be pretty, I don't want to be your toy, I don't want to be perceived at all.

I want peace, I want to be safe, I want to be free like a man is.

[firerubyjam]

Close the windows that hurt you, no matter how beautiful the view is

[firerubyjam]

I hope you get everything you've ever wanted, and I hope I never hear a thing about it

[firerubyjam]

A baby cannot hate the mother, without the mother first hate their baby

[firerubyjam]

I'm so glad we live at the same time. My world is a bit lighter with you in it.

[firerubyjam]

Remember: if they ever come back to you doesn't mean they care about you, it means that nobody cared about them as much as you did