findingthelostgirl-blog

[findingthelostgirl-blog]

The List- Assets and Liabilities

The Rules Of The Game

I have created a list, that I have previously stated, will be ever changing. At the end of every blog post I will  create two list of qualities- 1. Assets- things I  admire about myself and 2. Liabilities- things that I believe need assistance to participate in bettering myself.  Once I feel a quality is no longer needing attention, I will move it to the love list.  Things might move off the love assets to the liabilities list as my “moods” change. The list will be at the end of every blog post to follow where I am at in this journey. 

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Assets

Kind

Patient

Hard-working

Loving

Funny

Independent 

Long time loyal friendships

Determined 

Animal owner and lover

Organized 

 Liabilities 

Hypocrite 

Agitated easily

Controlling

Moody

Pessimist 

Unable to take advice

Lazy outside of work

Stubborn

Unable to think clearly and normally when I am in a “mood”

Judging others too quickly

Comparing myself to others

Care what other people think

Hate delegating

My friendliness taken for weakness 

[findingthelostgirl-blog]

Tuesday- March 28, 2017

12:58AM

It is late. Well if we are being technical  it is early. 

I have smoke more than my fair share and consumed an Adderall.  I feel the most beautiful high from the combination.   

Brad came over to smoke and catch up.  We use to work together, and we connected.  We keep in touch and smoke every once and a blue moon still.  Life is hectic, we both have jobs and school.  He is someone I connect with very differently than anyone else.  Not in the sense that I find him attractive, rather I admire him. Brad is a few years older, and has a similar mind to my own.  

Side note- Brad also is bi polar. 

Brad and I talk about the people (or actions) that hurt us deeply, our mental health, and cats.  This beautiful high paired with the natural high of an epiphany, lead to a thoughtful self reflection. 

I have decided to buckle down to analyze my life.  List the qualities I love most about myself and the qualities I see need change.   This list is ever changing, it is not set in stone.  I am going to be constantly shifting the qualities that need work to the list of qualities I love.  Simultaneously, I will be analyzing myself to continue to find aspects of my life that I will address.

Brad and I discussed various topics, but what I think is most valuable here that we discussed was

 1. Be confident in everything that you do

 2. Be conscious of your feelings and actions at all times

 3. Be passionate and kind, in every aspect of your life

 4. Be knowledgable in things that not only interest you, but can aid to your growth. 

Brad is wise from both studying and life experience.  I found myself getting higher and higher, but it was transferring to comfortability.  Suddenly I no longer felt vulnerable.  I was reaching what I am calling my life epiphany(s) .  I walked away from the conversation realizing a hell of a lot about myself.  I believe that I may be one with Bi-Polar disorder.  Now this is not something I am stating lightly.  Brad, who has personal experience and is constantly growing his knowledge through his psychology degree.  

I mentioned I felt I could be bi-polar myself, and was asking question about his stages of mania and depression feel.  Brad had recently been given a list of traits that those with bi-polar commonly have.  To be a potential persons you had to fit minimum three of the listed traits.  After 5 traits I believe I related too, we stopped listing traits because it seemed pretty clear.  

**This is not a diagnosis, I am simply beginning to understand and acknowledge the possibility of myself being a bi-polar**

After Brad left, I sat in pure euphoria.  I surpassed the feeling of being high. Hence  my life epiphany.  I had established and addressed things I do/think to enhance my life. I am my biggest enemy.  I self destruct.  When I am having a “mood” I say and do things that my self outside of my “mood” would not deem acceptable. I have the ability to mend this issues and find tips/tricks to recognize and stabilize myself when I am in a “mood”. 

Post reflection after Brad left.  I found a simple list that of symptoms of both manic and depressed swings.  I have checked the items I personally feel I fit into.  I asked my boyfriend to honestly analyze what similarities he sees,  I need an unbiased opinion.   This is what I felt I related to, with personal examples. 

7 Signs Of Mania 

 1. Feeling overly happy, “high,” or elated for long stretches of time ✅

 When I am feeling overly happy, I tend to create goals that are too big to          achieve quickly because I feel like superwoman.  I feel I can conquer more  than truly possibly within a day, or week, or month.  I am generally heartbroken  when I can not reach my own goals.  

 2. Feeling easily agitated, which some describe as feeling jumpy or twitchy ✅

I get angry at others or things that are normally not bothersome to me.  No one/thing has done anything wrong. I just perceive the world as against me, and find literally everything to be either annoying or threatened.  

 3. Walking very fast, often accompanied by racing thoughts

 4. Extreme restlessness or impulsivity

 5. Impaired judgment ✅

Allowing my “mood” to make decisions for ME. When I am in  a “mood” I no longer make decisions with my best interest in mind.  I make decisions based on what will satisfy the“mood”. 

 6. Unrealistic overconfidence in your abilities or powers ✅

Refer to my example under “Feeling Overly happy, “high” or elated for long stretches of time” 

 7. Engaging in risky behavior, such as having impulsive sex, gambling with life savings, or going on big spending sprees ✅ I find myself over spending when I am in a “mood”.  I rationalize by using several different excuses.  I work hard for my savings account, I would like to keep it.

7 Signs Of Depression

***I was diagnosed officially with depression after my older brother died when i was 21.  I would say I struggled with depression since 3-4th grade in elementary school.  At the time I was to young to understand what being depressed was.*** 

 1. Feeling sad or hopeless for long periods of time ✅ For a day up to several months, I feel tend to feel like I have no purpose.  Just a lump on a log to put it at its simplest.  

 2. Withdrawal from friends and family, and/or a loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyed ✅ I tend to isolate myself when I am in my “mood”.  No one goes in my room, no one calls me, I respond to no ones text.  I also tend to quit things.  Things I love, due to sudden lost of interest.  

3. Significant loss or increase in appetite ✅

There is no particular emotion I an conscious of that leads me to have have an increased in appetite, or loss of appetite.  But I feel both, depending where I sit on the depression spectrum.

  4.  Severe fatigue or lack of energy✅ When I am in a “mood” doing a simple every day to day task is exhausting and nap worthy,  ie showering or preparing a simple meal.  

 5. Slow speech

 6. Problems with memory, concentration, and decision-making✅  I CANNOT MAKE A DECISION.  If I acknowledge I am making a decision (irrelevant or life changing) that not only will have consequences (positive or negative) I have no chance at making a final decision promptly. 

 7. Thoughts or attempts of suicide, or a preoccupation with death

 I have never thought about attempting suicide, but I have thought about how everyone would feel if I did die, or if anyone would care</DL> 

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I have not received the list back from my boyfriend.  I am anxious to see what he recognizes that I do not.  

I asked Brad to be my mentor because I am feeling confident. I am confident that I can succeed at bettering myself, and I am confident that Brad has advice that can benefit me.  I look forward to my next conversation with Brad.  He and I will learn and grow from sharing ideas/tips/tricks/etc.  

I am excited to become a better version of myself.  For myself.  For my boyfriend. For my furr babies.  For my future.  

Follow me on my journey of changing the things that I see within myself need changing.