figtree34
figtree34
9K posts
Theatre person, craft enthusiast, nonsense connoisseur. 30s, she/her.
Last active 60 minutes ago
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
figtree34 · 1 hour ago
Text
Tumblr media
I love how it doesn't matter what expedition it is.
They all turn into excited kids when they meet penguins.
Tumblr media
32K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 3 hours ago
Text
met a woman today whose original real actual given-at-birth first name is "Vendetta." ma'am are you aware you are a videogame protagonist and/or a character in a skullduggery pleasant novel. real quick sorry to bother you miss but who exactly were your parents expecting you to avenge in their name
45K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
i should get a million dollar research grant for making woolly mice, I think
2K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
29K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
i got these knockoff boots online and instead of the brand name on the tag they have the name of an apparently nonexistent martin scorsese movie??? what the fuck
401K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
As a published academic, I FLIP SHIT when I run into someone at a conference or somewhere that tells me something I wrote was useful; I would legitimately cry if someone emailed me. Email your friendly local academics.
(And if you would like to read their paper and can’t access it, email them and they’ll probably send it to you!)
should be able to leave kudos on scientific studies. i liked your paper dude keep at it
125K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
possession horror where the thing possessing the autistic character causes them to behave in a more neurotypical way. autistic possession horror where the thing inside you is easier to communicate with than you are, the thing inside you doesn’t have a flat affect, the thing inside you doesn’t let your body stim, the thing inside you is how you were told to behave and you can only do it when you are no longer you. autistic possession horror where you will never forget that everyone liked it better than you before they found out something was controlling you. autistic possession horror where they know what’s inside you isn’t you and debate whether it would be easier for everyone to leave you like this anyway. you agree. reblog.
5K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 4 hours ago
Text
If I was a vampire I'd always go for the femoral artery so I could feed from between the thighs and stick my face in my victims crotch and lick and drain them and the other vampires would all think I was weird and I'd say stuff like "no bro it's just slightly less oxygenated so it has a better flavor it's more subtle" and they'd all say it's just a weird sex thing and they'd be right
4K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 6 hours ago
Text
5K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 6 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
live reaction of me finishing Book One of The Wizard, The Witch, and The Wild One
22 notes · View notes
figtree34 · 6 hours ago
Text
I keep getting this Etsy ad where this person says, "My personal style wouldn't be what it is without self-expression," and every time, I'm floored by what an absolute nothing sentence that is.
3K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 8 hours ago
Text
it really is so easy for people to keep forgetting that kink is morally neutral. because we're all on board for people who want to get tied up and roleplay that they've been kidnapped or want to fantasize that they're being used against their will but heavens forbid someone wants to do all of those things for their partner because they're turned on by it too. it's okay to get off on something you'd find horrifying in real life but only if you're placing yourself in the role of victim and not perpetrator. even in fantasy. because we have to be a little catholic about everything apparently
41 notes · View notes
figtree34 · 11 hours ago
Text
I do think the funniest part of the Coven of Heart subclass in the WBN Witch class is that they can replace spell components with things like the laughter or tears of a loved one because I know the wizards fucking hate that shit.
I had to do the equivalent of a magical thesis defense, and memorize a million spells, and keep track of a trillion different spell components; and yet those fucking Witches with their TWEE BULLSHIT get to make their friend laugh instead of growing mushrooms under the exact right conditions in a process that can take months at a time and is incredibly easy to fuck up?
At that point me and the entire metaphorical concept of magic itself have to scrap.
2K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 12 hours ago
Text
People who say shit like "I would die for my kids!" really do not appreciate it if someone points out that they would also rather die than go to therapy, so it's not like they're exactly subtle about what their priorities are.
2K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 12 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
60K notes · View notes
figtree34 · 12 hours ago
Text
one thing about me is I am always elaborating on it
860 notes · View notes
figtree34 · 12 hours ago
Text
there needs to be some kind of tumblr feature for when you see a post and don’t immediately reblog it but then think about it like days or weeks later and want to find it again. some kind of search function maybe
1K notes · View notes