fiftyshadesofsos - Tumblr blog

[fiftyshadesofsos]

My Jet Black Heart Letter

Dear 5sos and management, I'm pushing. I'm pushing forward so hard. I want to tell you from what, but when ever i open my mouth, it just keeps getting worse. I want to talk about it, but i don't have the strength. I want to confront it, but I can't get the chance. I want to tell you guys, but i can't afford the chance of my head betraying me. There's something wrong with me. Its like the universe is playing games with me. What's wrong with my head? Why does my head do this to me? Why am I able to see everyone's emotions? Why am I able to say things and act things that i never knew my mind could do? Why are there so many questions? Even the question "why". The word never leaves. The world is one big "WHY". I have so many more questions for the world but yet if i use the word to much, this letter won't work or fit together. Like the world. Everything I'm saying here is something I have never thought before. This information is flooding out faster than I can type. With out using questions, I'm gonna face my problem. Right here. Right now. No questions. This is my life. This is the way I think. I have a Jet Black Heart. This is the house i live in. These are the parent's i have. These are the problems they have and they are affecting me. My dad did yell at me that he was kill himself. I did yell back telling him to forgive himself. I do. I did. I am. I just explained my life with out the big question. This world is built up as questions. I'm Supposed to talk about the album and Jet Black Heart so here we go again. (Without questions) You guys understand me. You guys know me. You guys have told me who I was honestly. I never knew what a jet black heart was till i stayed up till 4 am to listen to it. 5 Seconds Of Summer knows i have a jet black heart. Perhaps you guys know. Perhaps I'm not the only one who feels this way. In the morning of October 23rd I sat at my desk listening to Sounds Good Feel Good. I didn't cry the first time. I was confused. This band who made music for millions of perspective's and mine fit in perfectly. Just like millions of fans and there stories. Every story and every fan and every perspective, it fit perfectly. You guys did it. You guys made it. If you see this, text your mom, dad, sibling, girlfriend, friends, and say "I made it." Tell them that the small band from Sydney, Australia made it. But between you and me, you guys made sense for me. Made me stop asking myself who I am. Made me embrace myself no matter how fucked up I am. -Agnes

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Im always writing weird things on tumblr and my mom read on of my weird things and she didnt like it so idk if i should keep doing it. 😑

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Color Love

I wanna love in color. I wanna hear blue. I wanna feel Pink. I wanna see purple. I wanna fly in yellow. I wanna learn to know black. I wanna experience grey and I wanna walk in red. I wanna laugh with orange and smile at white. I wanna love like the sun doesn't even understand. I wanna love like the moon cant even see it. Do you feel the same?

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Cut

I looked up at Ashton. I wanted him too know how I felt about him. I wanted him to stop thinking these shitty things about him because it was breaking my heart. 

“Ashton.” I said shaking my head.

His eyes glistened with tears. 

“I don’t want you too feel bad for me and I don’t want you helping me. I’m beyond help.” 

“Damnit Ashton.” I didn’t care if let out my anger on him. I didn’t care about anything but for him to stop being so fucking selfish. “Stop! Please! Stop being so fucking selfish!” I started to cry. He looked down, afraid. 

“Stop being so fucking selfish! I do give a fuck about your health and doing this to yourself will kill you!” 

“You don’t get it do you?” He rolled his eyes. “You will never know how  I feel.” 

“What? About yourself? What about me? How do you feel about me? Cause damnit I love you. I fucking love you Ashton.” 

“I love you too...”

“Then stop.” I put my hand on his neck. Our eyes bore into each other. “Please. I can’t do this if I have the constant  fear of you just dying.” 

“Please.” I muttered. He pressed his forehead against mine in thought. I squeezed my eyes shut making tears spill out. The pain. Oh the pain of this. Why was love so painful. Why did pain demand to be felt even through the most beautiful things. “I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.” 

“Sshh.” He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m scared too.” 

He held me for a few more minutes. The fear was thicker than tension. His breathes shook as he inhaled as he clung to me. Finally he left. He walked away with his black boots hitting the damp ground. I watched the scarred boy leave me. He was too numb to exist. Right then I understood his pain. I could feel it. I felt the rotting pit in any emotion he had. Happiness slipping faster than a plane. Disappearing in nothingness. I knew then how impossible it was to get happiness if it didn’t exist for him anymore. I felt how numb he was. The numbness so numb He couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t weak. He just simply couldn’t survive anymore. There was no choice but to let go. He was mentally falling. Mentally gone. 

He turned around and looked at me. I realize that I was being selfish. I was the one who was making him live through this. I was the reason he was so crimped. I loved him too much to let him live like this any longer.

I held up a hand a waved. 

He waved back.

“You can go. It’s ok.” I said.

He smiled sadly and walked away, autumn leaves blowing around him.

 It was the last time I ever saw my Ashton.

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Maybe...

He was large. Sometimes my neck would hurt from looking up at him. I was tiny compared to his straining height. Just his tiny girl. Always there to amuse him. To amuse his love. And he would amuse me back. It was a simple love. Simple yet beautiful. Always ready to jump and take flight for anything. I remember when we first kissed. He told me I was pretty and I refused the complement. Thinking that's what all boys say to their girls. Maybe we were just 'boy and girl' . The usual love. But this was alive. This was sparking like fireworks above an lightened city. I remember he would take me to a park and we would walk along a river or creek. His arms slumped around my shoulder and his soft voice  humming new tunes to me. I would smile, spinning the daisy he gave me in between my index and thumb. Sometimes I would see us in third person. I would see how beautiful he was. The sun shining through the tree's, making his dull blue eyes live. I would see how beautiful this love was. How quit but happy it was. I could hear the music in my ears. Like symphonies rejoicing to us. No one knew. And no one will ever know.

Sometimes after a long day at work I would come home. Lay down on a lawn chair next to the lake we swam in. I would look up at the dark poki-dottied sky. The stars would mock me back. The way he did and I silently reminded myself, that maybe, just maybe one of those burning stars was him. Maybe my Luke was still right above me. Loving me and missing me. Just maybe Luke Hemmings was still mine.

[fiftyshadesofsos]

I'm so glad he is finally happy

[fiftyshadesofsos]

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Yasss !!! This makes me weak

[fiftyshadesofsos]

I understand what he's going through. Its if Ashton has a breaking point

[fiftyshadesofsos]

I am fucking pissed. I am so tired of "categories." The pretty and the ugly. The skinny and the fat. The people who wear makeup and don't wear makeup. The gay and the straight. Etc... Why is everyone in this society judged by their "category." I was just called a tramp by my own Mother because I decided to wear makeup today. And my shirt was a bit to low and the only pants I could find were to small. My own mother thinks just because I decided to be a girl , I am gonna get laid and pregnant. If your sexually active, Great! But to be judged by ones apearence it beyond wrong. The nicest most innocent girl could be secretly pregnant and the girl who has a big ass and piercings and lots of makeup, could have the least desire to do that. It is just wrong for someone to say "oh well that girl has (this or that) so she's going to hell but that other girl has (this or that) so she is alowd to be treated normally." WE ARE ALL FUCKING NORMAL!! It doesn't matter if your 15 years old and having sex with a bunch of people or 21 and a virgin. Stop categoring everyone for who you think they are! It doesn't matter if they are gay or skinny or ugly or straight or fat. Now start learning about that person before you call them a whore.

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Breaking My Own Heart //L.H// (on Wattpad) http://w.tt/1PfcTBj I hate myself. I hate myself so so so much. What did I do to myself. It's my fault I fell in love with Luke Hemmings

[fiftyshadesofsos]

The feels here aren’t legal to be real. What is this shit <3333

[fiftyshadesofsos]

Hey! I’m Agnes. I’m new to Tumblr. I like Dan and Phil, 5SOS and lots of other bands which will be quit obvious after a while... Fuck