fellasohphii2

[fellasohphii2]

tms therapy is crazy, it's been a two weeks since i started treatment, and i've just noticed a weird wrinkle on either side my mouth, from smiling so much more than i used to. this is insane.

i'm loving life, like, whaaaatttt?!?

[fellasohphii2]

mfw the tms therapy is letting me have dreams again, but they're ldn dreams and the first one is about trying to bluff my way out of accidentally joining a cult, but it just goes on and on for an uncomfortable amount of time. they were vaguely physically threatening, taking pictures of me and some other marks attending the event so they'd have dirt on us if we flaked, i was plotting how me and my family would have to move across the country as soon as i got home, it was super stressful in a weirdly mundane way, while also being complete nonsense.

[fellasohphii2]

i have always been confused about what drives people to gatekeep music they like, but now i'm futher baffled to find out that some people gatekeep music they hate, and some people is my sibling.

[fellasohphii2]

[fellasohphii2]

i hate being a teenager so bad lol

[fellasohphii2]

I'm so sick of myself and I don't understand how anybody can stand me

[fellasohphii2]

do i want you, or do i only want another stop gap remedy for my chronic loneliness?

do i not want you, or is my self esteem so low and my will to live so nonexistent that i only can't imagine how being with me could possibly make you happy, so i push you away instead.

i love you. i have for years. it that too much for a new relationship, let alone one that i can't find it in me to agree to?

i feel at once compelled to beg for you to take mercy on me, and to curl up in a cave and beg for the cold to take mercy on me.

emotions make me feel stupid and out of control. numb, emotionless periods are much scarier, because they make me feel like i could actually end it. silver lining, this only happens when i'm too tired to do that.

[fellasohphii2]

idk what happened to the other account but it's 11 pm so i'm just gonna post on this one lol.

a close friend just confessed to me and i turned them down. i'm so lonely. i love them, platonically. we just went out earlier this week, and it was a lot like a date, and it was so much fun. just not romantically.

part of me wishes i lied and said yes because i'd love to hold their hand and hang out all of the time and talk and not have to worry about overstepping by treating them like they're as important to me as they are.

the rest of me remembers how my blood ran cold and my stomach tried to climb up my throat when i read their text. it was lose-lose, and they deserve honesty.

the rest of me also knows they deserve a better partner than i could be. someone who likes being alive and isn't tempted to take advantage of them to try and fill the chasm where my self-esteem should be.

also, our younger siblings are dating and that would be weird.

basically, "against the kitchen floor" + "under my skin" + "sweet hibiscus tea" + i want a qpr

[fellasohphii2]

this blog is a side blog, i'm converting it to a main blog @felasohphii . okay? okay.

[fellasohphii2]

my dad will drive by you in the parking lot, immediately assume you're homeless, abusing drugs, and trying to scam people for money. if you're wearing a jean-jacket, or have any visible piercings, you're a hoodlum.

"nobody is judging you" wrong, my mother is seemingly always judging every single stranger she sees

[fellasohphii2]

you don't have to call me out like that, lol

The warrior cats kid to furry to therian pipeline is real

[fellasohphii2]

[fellasohphii2]

god i feel this

I want to be someone's special person. Like. I wanna be the one you tell everything to. The one you think off when you see stupid cute videos. The one you talk about when people ask you about your partner.

I want an emotional connexion. Not someone to be in love with. Someone that don't drain me. Someone that put me first the way i put them first. I don't care if it's a qpr, a relationship or a friendship.

I don't want to be scared that you'll leave for someone you're in love with.

[fellasohphii2]

That being said, if you're allistic and find yourself being mad at an autistic person because of something you haven't actually communicated to them because you feel that you "shouldn't have to say it" and that "they'd figure it out if they really cared to", then YOU are in fact the one causing a problem and the one who needs to work on improving your communication skills

[fellasohphii2]

Yeah

[fellasohphii2]

I created a pile of cats and then I colored the pride flags into it. Idk, enjoy. Don’t “steal” them ig, but like, you can share them, just don’t say you made ‘em. Whatever, my signature’s on it.

Yay pride month!

Update: there are more! I reblogged with the extras but I don’t think many people have seen, so here: https://www.tumblr.com/chanceofwhat/753498899252150272/dang-yall-love-this-thanks hope that link works lmao

[fellasohphii2]

i might try to align my chakras or smth. idk, i did like ten minutes of radical acceptance and i feel great though. i am using the atla version of chakras as well as the more complicated real life one. i'm trying to let go of fear.

i'm afraid of being left alone.

but i'm not alone. i'm surrounded by the universe. by people who love me. when they're gone, it will still have been worth being around them. when they might leave, it is thus still worth it to spend the time we have together well. when i am not, it will have been worth being. it is thus worth it to be, while i still am. i am worth it. every good and bad decision is worth it. every inhale and exhale, every day, every night, all of the atoms and their quarks, all of the corners of the whole universe, all the people and dogs and fish, every uncomfortable situation and every perfect interaction. worth it. every time i scroll on my phone instead of doing something productive is worth it. every time i do something productive instead of scrolling on my phone is worth it. every instance of virtue and depravity. every gust of wind. every bumper sticker. every flag and every prayer is worth what it brings to this world. every life and every death. every second. every toil. we're worth it.

i don't have to agree. i don't have to be perfect, or try to be perfect. i'm not invulnerable and i can live with that. i can fail and learn. i can be shit at art and talking to people and skating and cleaning and forgiving. i will do these things, because they're worth it.

living is worth it. you're worth it